Thank you very much, thank you.

非常感謝，謝謝。

So that's fun.

所以，所以這很有趣。

Phoned my grandmother to tell her the good news, which was really cool.

打電話告訴奶奶這個好消息、太酷了

I don't think she understood what was going on, but still she was happy.

我覺得她不明白髮生了什麼、但她仍然很開心。

Phoned my Gran, she was on the the phone like,

打電話給我奶奶，她在電話裡說

I was like, "Granny I am going to be on the Daily Show."

我當時想，奶奶，我要上每日秀了。

She was like, "Woo, Trevor"

她說："哇，特雷弗"

"I'm so happy for you."

"我真為你高興"

"You got a job."

"你有工作了"

I said, "No, no, Gogo."

我說："不，不，果果"

"No, I already had a job, Gogo."

"不，我已經有工作了，果果"

"I already had a job."

"我已經有工作了"

She is like, "No, you didn't."

她說："不，你沒有。"

"Did you have an office?"

"你有辦公室嗎？"

I said, "No."

我說 "不"

She's like, "then it wasn't a job."

她就說 "那就不是工作"

"Well done, Trevor."

"幹得好，特雷弗"

My mom was a bit better.

我媽媽還好一點。

I phoned her, she was on the ball.

我給她打了電話，她馬上就來了。

You know, she was really excited for me, and to give you a bit of a back-story, I have two younger brothers, right.

你知道，她真的很為我激動、給大家介紹一下背景故事 我有兩個弟弟

I have a, one brother is 9 years younger than me and then the youngest is 20 years younger than me.

我有一個弟弟，比我小 9 歲。最小的比我小 20 歲。

And so, the youngest one who's 11, just became head boy of his school.

所以，最小的那個 11 歲剛剛成為他學校的校長。

He is the head prefect at his school, right.

他是他學校的校長，對吧。

Yeah so, no, no, please don't, this is my show, you don't clap for him.

是的，所以，不，不，請不要這是我的節目，你不能為他鼓掌。

Please, they didn't clap for me at his, please.

求你了，他們沒有為我鼓掌，求你了。

I work hard for my applause, please guys.

我的掌聲是努力換來的，拜託各位了。

So anyway, so I phoned, so I phoned my mom.

總之，我給我媽打了電話。

So I phoned my mom to tell her my good news, my good news.

於是我打電話告訴媽媽我的好消息，我的好消息。

And I am on the phone and I'm like, "Mom, this just happened,"

我在電話裡說："媽媽，剛剛發生了這樣的事"

and she's like, "Oh baby I am so happy for you."

她會說 "寶貝，我真為你高興"

"Oh, this is so wonderful, oh my son, I am so happy, this is so great, oh,"

"哦，這真是太好了，哦，我的兒子，我太高興了"

"and did you hear what happened with your brother? He became head boy at his school."

"這太棒了，哦，你聽說你弟弟的事了嗎？""他成了學校的校長"

"Oh, I am so happy. Both my boys are doing big things."

"哦，我太高興了。我的兩個兒子都在做大事"。

And I was like, "Yeah. Some things are bigger than others."

我就說 "是啊""有些事比其他事更重要"

She's like, "No baby, it's all the same to me. It's all the same."

她說："不，寶貝，對我來說都一樣""都是一樣的"

I was like, "You say that but I mean you know, ha-ha."

我說："你是這麼說，但我是說你知道，哈哈"

"I mean you know, if you had to choose."

"我是說，你知道，如果你必須選擇的話"

She's like, "okay fine, fine. I'll be honest."

她就說 "好吧好吧""我實話實說"

"You were never a prefect, so"

"你從沒當過縣長"

"Dammit!"

"該死！"

That's when I wish I had a physical phone, you know.

這時候我就希望有一部實體手機。

That's when I wish I had a land-line.

這時候我就希望自己能有座機。

I have those land-line moments in my life where I wish I had an old school phone so I could slam it down.

在我的生活中，我也曾有過希望擁有一部老式電話的固定電話時刻這樣我就可以把它摔下來。

Young people will never know the joy of slamming the phone at the end of a call. Cellphones have robbed us of that.

年輕人永遠不會體會到快樂在通話結束時摔手機。手機讓我們失去了這種感覺。

That feeling where you get to tell the person, "Screw You!"

那種你可以告訴對方 "去你媽的！"的感覺。*Slamming the phone down*

Ah, it feels so good. They feel it on the other end like, "Agh!"

啊，感覺真好。他們在另一端的感覺就像"啊！"

It's like you punched them in the ear.

就像你在他們耳朵上打了一拳。

Now with phones, you are robbed of all of that.

現在有了手機，這一切都不復存在了。

There's no sense of power, "Screw you!"

沒有力量感，"去你媽的！"*按下按鈕*

That's all you have, and you can't even press the screen hard because you are scared you'll crack your own phone.

這就是你所擁有的一切。你甚至不能用力按壓螢幕因為你害怕會弄壞自己的手機。 *按下按鈕*

I hate cellphones so much.

我非常討厭手機。

I think they are robbing us of our intelligence.

我認為他們在剝奪我們的智慧。

I honestly believe cellphones are going to be the reason that human beings devolve.

老實說，我相信手機會成為原因人類在退化

We are going back to the stone ages because of those things.

因為這些東西，我們正在回到石器時代。

Everything about them are turning us into apes again.

他們的一切都讓我們再次變成了猿人。

Neanderthals.

尼安德特人

I was looking at my thumbs the other day.

前幾天我在看我的大拇指。

I spend so much time texting and sending messages that I feel like they have started curling over, like monkey hands.

我花了太多時間發短信和發送信息我感覺它們已經開始捲曲，就像猴子的手。

I've gotten really good at typing and grabbing branches.

我非常擅長打字和抓樹枝。

Everything about those phones is robbing us of our humanity.

這些手機的一切。是在剝奪我們的人性。

We were proud because we evolved. We stand, we walk tall.

我們自豪，因為我們進化了。我們站立，我們昂首闊步。

And then we got our phones and now every day we spend like this.

後來我們有了手機，現在每天我們都這樣度過。

And over time we are gonna go back.

隨著時間的推移，我們將回到過去。

Down.

下來。

Have you tried to have a conversation with someone on their phone?

你試過用手機與人交談嗎？

Literally sounds like a caveman.

聽起來簡直就像個穴居人。*穴居人的聲音*

We've lost it. We don't know how to communicate anymore.

我們失去了它。我們不知道如何交流了。

Now we use those emoji's for everything.

現在我們使用這些表情符號。什麼都用

Emoji, emoji, emoji, emoji.

表情符號，表情符號，表情符號，表情符號。

No one even uses words.

甚至沒有人使用文字。

Sent a paragraph to your friend, "Had a great day, did this. It was so funny!"

給朋友發一段話："今天過得很愉快，做了這個。太有趣了！"

They reply. *Smiley face emoji*

他們回答 *笑臉表情符號

"And did you hear she died?"

你聽說她死了嗎？

*Sad face emoji*

*悲傷的表情符號

That's it? No words?

就這樣？不說話？

Emoji's are basically the cave drawings of 2015.

Emoji 基本上就是 2015 年的洞穴壁畫。

Yeah, we judged cave men. We think they were primitive because we couldn't find any words in their pictures.

是的，我們評判穴居人。我們認為他們很原始，因為我們在他們的圖片中找不到任何文字。

Someone's gonna think the same thing of us.

有人也會這麼想我們的

The way we look at cave men and go, "Oh, look at them, they couldn't write."

就像我們看穴居人一樣，"哦，看看他們，他們不會寫字"。

"Oh, the cave man, he was so simple."

"哦，山頂洞人，他是如此簡單"

"And he was hunting, and he had a family. Aww."

"他在打獵，他有一個家庭。啊"

"Simple."

"很簡單"

Someone's gonna see our messages in a thousand years.

一千年後，會有人看到我們的資訊。

And be like, "Oh, look at that. Oh, the people of 2015, simple. Aww"

然後說："哦，看看這個。哦，2015 年的人們，真簡單。啊"

"Yeah, look at that. They laughed and they cried. Hmm."

"是啊，看看這個。他們又哭又笑嗯"

"Sometimes they laughed until they cried."

"有時他們笑到哭"

"Some of them where blind in one eye, yea."

"有些人瞎了一隻眼睛"

"But that didn't stop them from having fun."

"但這並不妨礙他們玩得開心"

*crazy face emoji*

*crazy face emoji*"啊"

"And there were monkeys that didn't talk."

"還有不會說話的猴子"

"Monkeys that didn't listen."

"不聽話的猴子"

"And they were always dancing in red dresses, aww."

"她們總是穿著紅裙子跳舞，啊"

"2015, a simple time."

"2015，一個簡單的時代"。

We don't communicate anymore.

我們不再交流了。

We got our emoji's. Phones are making us dumb.

我們有自己的表情符號手機讓我們變笨了

I fear most for woman, the most intelligent of our species.

我最擔心的是女人，她們是我們這個物種中最聰明的。

I fear for you, I fear ladies.

我為你們擔心，我為女士們擔心。

I fear for what the "selfie" has done to you.

我很擔心 "自拍 "對你造成的傷害。

Women are obsessed with selfies.

女性痴迷於自拍。

The average woman spends 50% of her day thinking about when she can take the next selfie.

普通女性每天有 50% 的時間都在考慮何時能拍下一張自拍照。

That's all she's thinking about, "Oh, let's take a selfie."

她滿腦子想的都是這個。"哦，我們來自拍一張吧。

"Oh, let's take a selfie. Can we take a selfie now? Let's take a selfie."

"哦，我們來自拍。我們現在能自拍嗎？我們來自拍吧！"

"Take a selfie of me taking a selfie of you, Ahhh."

"自拍一張我自拍一張你，啊哈"

Oh, this is great. Selfie-ception. I love it."

"哦，這太棒了。自拍的感覺。我喜歡

Everyone's just in there. Selfie, selfie, selfie.

每個人都在那裡自拍、自拍、自拍

And you know what's fine? The pictures look great.

你知道最棒的是什麼嗎？照片看起來很棒。

On Instagram, "Like my picture, like my picture."

在 Instagram 上，"喜歡我的照片，喜歡我的照片"。

Yea, it looks normal. But have you seen what it looks like when someone makes a selfie?

是的，看起來很正常。但你見過別人自拍時的樣子嗎？

It is the creepiest thing you have ever seen in your life.

這是你這輩子見過的最恐怖的東西。

A normal woman sitting by herself, having lunch, doing whatever she's doing.

一個普通的女人，一個人坐在那裡吃午飯。做她正在做的任何事情。

And all of the sudden she will look at her phone.

突然，她就會看手機。

And something in her head goes weird.

她腦子裡有些東西變得怪怪的。

And she transforms into a selfie monster.

她變成了一個自拍怪獸。

She'll literally just be there, looking at her phone, going through stuff and all of the sudden she's like,

她就在那兒看手機。翻東西突然間她就會說：

"I just randomly took a picture."

"我只是隨手拍了張照片"

"Caught off guard."

"措手不及"

#IwokeUpLikeThis

#IwokeUpLikeThis

#NoYouDidn't, #You'reCrazy

#你沒有，#你瘋了#

#StopThatShit

#StopThatShit