She's very cool.

她很酷。

She has to be to put up with me.

她必須忍受我。

And I actually knew that I was going to marry her on our first date we ever went ou of.

而我，其實在我們第一次約會時，我就知道我要娶她。

I had gone out the night before and had gotten a little too drunk and my stomach was really not feeling very good.

前一天晚上我出去了，喝得有點多，胃很不舒服，

But I knew I didn't wanna cancel on her.

但我知道我不想取消她的約會。

So we go out to dinner and it was one of those magical nights, guys,

我們一起出去吃飯，那是一個奇妙的夜晚，各位，

and I really do hope everybody has a night like this where you're sitting across from the person that you basically know you're gonna spend the rest of your life with.

我希望每個人都有這樣的夜晚，坐在你對面的那個人，基本上你知道你會和他共度餘生。

And I'm sitting across from her and we're laughing and we're joking and things are going amazing.

我坐在她對面，我們有說有笑，一切都很順利。

And I feel a sneeze coming on.

我感覺要打噴嚏了。

Now. I sneeze like this like this.

問題是，我是這樣打噴嚏的。

Like a mouth sneezer.

很喜歡用嘴打噴嚏。

The fucking worst, the mouth sneezer is the worst.

用嘴巴打噴嚏是最糟的方式。

So I don't want to scare her on our first date.

所以我不想在第一次約會時嚇到她。

So instead of "ahh" I plug my nose and when I plug my nose, I shit my pants.

所以，與其用嘴巴打噴嚏，我捏住鼻子，當我捏住鼻子，我挫賽在褲子上。

Swear to God, first date, future wife, poopy pants, everybody.

各位，我發誓，第一次約會，未來的老婆，便便褲子。

And I'm sitting there and the expression she must have seen it change on my face because it was like.

我坐在那裡，她一定看到了我臉上的表情變化，

'Cause she reached over and she grabbed my hand and she was like, "I know it's a great date, I feel it too."

因為她伸手抓住了我的手，說：「我知道這是個很棒的約會。我也感覺到了。」

And I was like, "Man, I hope you don't feel it from across the table."

我當時想：「我希望你不會從桌子對面感覺到。」

She said, "Excuse me, I have to use the restroom."

她說：「不好意思，我要上廁所。」

And I was thinking, "You have to use the restroom. I am the fucking restroom at this point in time."

而我心想：「你要上廁所？此時此刻我就是那該死的洗手間。」

So what's my instinct when she leaves?

那麼，當她離開時，我的直覺是什麼？

As a man, what's my instinct?

作為一個男人，我的直覺是什麼？

Run!

跑走啊！

You know why I didn't do that, man, I had shit in my pants. That's why I didn't do that.

你知道我為什麼沒那麼做嗎 我褲子裡有屎，所以我才沒那麼做。

That's one of the, you know that that's this run here, you know that.

你知道這種奔跑的感覺嗎？

That terrible, that terrible run from your car to your front door with your keys in your hand like this, "Fuck!"

這種想大號，從車上衝到家門前，手上拿著鑰匙大喊的那種奔跑。

By the way, let me ask everybody, speaking of which,

順帶一提，讓我問問大家，說到這個，

when you're in your car, why do you have to shit more when you see your house? Like what is it about your house?

當你在車上的時候，為什麼當你看到你的房子時，你會更想上廁所

Sometimes I don't even know I got a shit, I pull into my drive on, I come out of shit up my car

有時我甚至不知道我需要上廁所，當我開進家門時，我才發現我需要趕緊去廁所。

Crazy, right?

很扯吧？

I'm not the only person that's ever shit in the front lawn, am I?

我不是唯一在前院草坪拉過屎的人，對吧？

Am I the only person?

只有我一個人這樣嗎？

So I decided I just, I gotta tell her.

所以我決定告訴她。

Yes, what else? I have run through the Rolodex in my head. I got nothing.

沒錯，要不然要怎麼辦？我已經在腦海中回顧了一遍，但我想不出其他的了。

I gotta be honest with her.

我得對她說實話。

So she comes back, she sits down and I said,

於是她回來了，她坐下來，我說：

"I have to tell you something."

「我要告訴你一件事。」

And she said, "You can tell me anything."

她說：「你可以告訴我任何事。」

And I said, "We're about to find out, aren't we?"

我說：「我們就快知道了。」

"I shit my pants."

「我大便在褲子上了。」

You know what she said?

你知道她說什麼嗎？

You know how I knew she was for me.

你知道我是怎麼知道她是我的命中注定。

She looked me straight in the eye and she goes, "I knew it."

她直視著我的眼睛，說：「我知道。」

"I knew you shit your pants. I'm sitting 2 ft away from you."

「我知道你大在褲子上，我就坐在離你兩英尺遠的地方。」

"You don't think I could smell that you shit your pants?"

「你以為我聞不到你拉屎在褲子上的味道嗎？」

"Everybody in this section knows that you have shit in your pants."

「這裡的每個人都知道你拉屎在褲子上。」

And I was like, "No way."

我說：「不可能！」

And the guy next to me was like, "Yeah, dude."

我旁邊的人就說：「我們都知道喔，老兄。」

She said, "You know, I went to the bathroom so you could leave with some dignity, but you're here when I get back. What's the deal with that?"

她說：「你知道，我去洗手間是為了讓你體面地離開，但我回來時你還在這兒。這是怎麼回事？」

And I said, "How are we gonna get out of here?"

我說：「我們怎麼離開這裡？」

She said, "Well, we're gonna pretend like you're retarded and walk you out the front door."

她說：「那我們就假裝你是個智障，然後送你出大門。」

That, my friends, is love.

朋友們，這就是真愛。