Irish people keep it so bottled up, you know.

愛爾蘭人總是把話憋在心裡。

Like the plan with Irish people is like, I'll keep all my emotions right here and then one day, I'll die.

愛爾蘭人的計劃是會把所有的情緒都放在心裡，然後憋到死。

Irish people don't want comfort.

愛爾蘭人不貪圖安逸。

Look at a sweater made in Ireland.

看看愛爾蘭製造的毛衣。

It's like a turtle neck made out of brillo pads.

它就像一個用布里諾墊做成的烏龜脖子。

I wanted to tell you one story.

我要說一個故事。

This is the story of the best meal I've ever had in my life.

這是我這輩子吃過的最好吃的一頓飯的故事。

Happened when I was 11 years old in Chicago, Illinois, where I grew up.

事情發生在我 11 歲那年，地點在我長大的伊利諾伊州芝加哥，

I went to a place called the Salt and Pepper Diner with my best friend John.

當時我去了一個叫 「鹽和胡椒餐廳」的地方。

We walk in to the diner one day and they had a jukebox there.

有一天，我們和我最好的朋友約翰一起走進餐館，那裡有一個點唱機。

And the jukebox was three plays for a dollar.

點唱機一美元可以播放三首歌。

So we put in $7 and selected 21 plays of Tom Jones' "What's New Pussycat?"

於是，我們投入 7 美元，播了湯姆·瓊斯的歌《What's New Pussycat?》。

And then we ordered and waited.

然後我們點好之後等待。

Here's the thing about when What's New Pussycat plays over and over and over and over and over again.

《What's New Pussycat》一遍又一遍地播放。

The second time it plays, your immediate thought is not "Hey, someone's playing What's New Pussycat again?"

播到第二次，你的第一反應不會是「有人又播《What's New Pussycat》了？」

It's, "Hey, What's New Pussycat is a lot longer than I first thought."

而是「《What's New Pussycat》這首歌比我想象中長得多耶。」

The third time it plays, you're thinking maybe someone's playing What's New Pussycat again.

第三次播放時，你會想也許有人又在放《What's New Pussycat》。

The fourth time it plays, you're either thinking, "Whoa, someone just played What's New Pussycat four times, or at least someone played it twice and it's a really long song."

第四遍時，你要麼心想有人把《What's New Pussycat》這首歌播放了四遍，要麼有人播放了兩遍，所以這首歌真的很長。

So the fifth time is the kicker.

所以第五次才是關鍵。

Now, John and I, we're watching the entire diner at this point.

約翰和我現在正在觀察整個餐廳。

Most people have gotten wind as to what's going on.

大多數人都知道發生了什麼事。

And we're staring at this one guy and he's sitting in like a booth with his stupid kids jumping around and he's like staring at his coffee cup like this and he's been on to us since the beginning.

我們盯著一個人，他坐在一個包廂裡，他的傻孩子們跳來跳去，他就像這樣盯著他的咖啡杯，他從一開始就盯著我們。

And he's sitting there and his hand is shaking; he had this look on his face like he had just gotten his 30-day chip from anger management.

他坐在那裡，手在抖。他臉上的表情就像他剛剛從憤怒管理中心拿到了 30 天的籌碼。

And he's staring like this and the fourth song fades out.

他就像這樣盯著第四次播放，然後第四次就淡出了。

It's dead quiet.

一片死寂。

Then, I don't know if you know this, but the song begins very quietly,

然後我不知道你知不知道，但這首歌開始時非常安靜，

and he goes, "Goddamn it," and pounds on the table, and silverware flies everywhere,

然後他說：「該死！」然後拍桌子，餐具飛得到處都是，

and it was fantastic.

這畫面真是太棒了。

But a word about my best friend John and what a genius he was,

我想說說我最好的朋友約翰，他真是個天才，

because when we first walked into the diner, when we first got there, and I'm punching in the What's New Pussycat?

因為當我們第一次走進餐廳時，當我們第一次到那裡，我正在投錢點播《What's New Pussycat?》

I've punched in like seven at this point.

我已經投了差不多七個了。

And then John says to me, "Hey, hey, hey, before you punch in another What's New Pussycat? Let's drop in one It's Not Unusual."

然後約翰對我說：「嘿，在你點下一次《What's New Pussycat》之前， 我們來點一首《t's Not Unusual》。

Oh, yes.

是的沒錯。

That is when the afternoon went from good to great.

就在那時，這個下午從不錯變成美好。

After seven What's New Pussycat? in a-- it played seven times.

在播了七次的《What's New Pussycat》——它播了七次。

Suddenly... and the sigh of relief has swept through the diner.

突然，整個餐館內的人鬆了一口氣。

People were so happy.

大家都非常高興。

It was like the liberation of France.

就像法國解放一樣。

For years, scientists have wondered, "Can you make grown men and women weep tears of joy by playing Tom Jones' It's Not Unusual?"

要知道，多年來，科學家們一直在想，播放《It's Not Unusual》能讓成年男女喜極而泣嗎？

And the answer is yes, you can. Provided that it is preceded by seven What's New Pussycat?

答案是肯定的。首先前面有先播放七次《What's New Pussycat》。

It's true. Dead on.

這是真的。

And on the other hand, when we went back, holy.

而另一方面，當我們回去，天啊，

It's Not Unusual fades out.

《It's Not Unusual》淡出。

It's dead quiet.

一片寂靜。

People went insane. People went out of their minds.

人們都瘋了。都瘋了。

No one could handle it.

沒人能承受得了。

No one could handle it and they were surrounded by this seemingly indifferent staff that was just like, "Yeah, same crap as always."

沒有人受得了了，然後身邊都是些看起來滿不在乎，心裡想著：「就跟平常一樣糟。」的員工。

They unplugged the jukebox after 11 plays, and that was the best meal I've ever had.

播放第11 次後，他們拔掉了點唱機的插頭。那是我吃過的最好吃的一頓飯。

'Cause think about it, Lucy, no one in the OJ Simpson trial won an Emmy.

因為你想想看，Lucy，從 94 年到 95 年，OJ 辛普森案的審判中沒有人獲得艾美獎。

From 94 to 95 there--- You didn't need to watch any TV shows.

從 1994 到 1995 年——你不用看任何電視節目。

There's a thing called the OJ Simpson trial and it was the best thing that ever happened on TV, ever.

有個節目叫《OJ 辛普森審判》 它是電視界發生過的最棒的事情。

It's a murder trial. It sounds terrible, right?

這是一場謀殺案的審判。聽起來很可怕。，對吧？

It was so goddamn entertaining.

其實超級有趣。

These people delivered-- everyone in that trial delivered.

這些人上了法庭——審判中的每個人都被審問。

They went up and they went, "What's your name?" "I'm Kato Kaelin."

他們上前，然後被問到：「你叫什麼？」「我是 Kato Kaelin。」

"All right. Here's the ball on the tee," and then he would knock it out of the park.

「好的，球在發球台上，」然後他把球打出去。

And there was a guy named Johnny Cochran and this guy does not have an Emmy.

還有一個叫約翰尼·科克倫的人，這傢伙沒有艾美獎。

He's dead, he died without an Emmy.

他死了，死時連艾美獎都沒有拿過。

And this was the most entertaining man.

他是最有趣的人。

You'd love him, Lucy.

你會愛上他的，Lucy。

This guy would put on a knit cap and goof around with the murder evidence.

這傢伙會戴上一頂針織帽，拿著謀殺證據胡鬧。

Either one of two things happened and we truly don't know.

這兩件事中有一間發生了，但我們真的不知道真相。

Either. OJ Simpson murdered his wife and then like took off a glove and was like, you know, like threw it over his shoulder was like, "Done with that glove."

要麽 OJ 辛普森謀殺了他的妻子，然後脫下一隻手套，就像這樣把它扔在他的肩膀上說：「我不要這手套了。」

Either that, either he threw away his glove or a cop planted the glove. Both (are) very entertaining.

要麼是他扔掉了手套，要麼是警察栽贓他，兩者都很有趣。

So OJ had to try on the gloves in front of the jury, Lucy.

所以 OJ 不得不在陪審團面前試戴手套，Lucy。

I know you all know this, I'm telling Lucy.

我知道你們都已經知道這件事，我是在跟 Lucy 解釋。

And he gets up and he's like, "Oh, these are my gloves," and he tries to put them on and he goes.

他站起來說：「哦，這是我的手套，」然後試圖戴上，然後他做出這個表情。

He actually bit his tongue, go watch it. It's on YouTube.

他真的咬了自己的舌頭，去看看吧。YouTube 上有。

I watched it, recently.

我最近才看了。

He's doing that and then he goes.

他又試了一次，然後做出這個表情。

I think that the bullying that young people have to go through now in schools is really rough.

我認為現在年輕人在學校裡經歷的霸凌真的很嚴重。

I really sympathize because I was bullied when I was a kid.

我真的很同情，因為我小時候也被人欺負過。

When I was in grade school, I was bullied for being Asian American.

我上小學的時候，因為是亞裔美國人而被人欺負。

And the biggest problem with that is that I am not Asian American.

最大的問題是，我不是亞裔美國人。

But when I was younger and this is absolutely true, people thought that I might be Asian American.

但在我年輕的時候，這絕對是事實。大家認為我可能是亞裔美國人。

I have pretty thin eyes.

我的眼睛很細。

I had very thin eyes when I was a little kid and I had straight black hair that I wore in a bowl cut.

我小的時候眼睛很細，頭髮是黑色的直髮，髮型像個碗。

And from the ages of 3 to 8, people thought that I might be a young Chinese person.

從 3 歲到 8 歲，人們都認為我可能是一個年輕的中國人。

On the first day that he met me, the guy that is now my best friend, he met me (on) the first day of kindergarten.

在第一天認識我的那天，也就是現在我最好的朋友，他在我上幼兒園的第一天認識我。

He went home that night and said, "Papa, today I met a boy with no eyes."

那天晚上他回家後說：「爸爸，今天我遇到了一個沒有眼睛的男孩。」

And that was me.

那就是我。

Kids would make fun of me in middle school.

中學時，孩子們會取笑我。

Kids would call me a "China man," which, of the racial slurs, has got to be the laziest.

孩子們會叫我 「中國男」，這是最懶惰的種族蔑稱，

That is just pushing two words together. No work was done there

只是把兩個單詞拼在一起而已。根本沒有努力思考。

It was very confusing to me because I'm not Chinese; none of my family is remotely Asian.

這讓我很困惑，因為我不是中國人，我的家人也不是亞洲人。

I mean, we take our shoes off when we come inside, but that was more of a carpeting thing than anything else.

我們進屋時都會脫鞋，但這更像是不想讓地毯弄髒的問題。

Here's how bad it got though.

事情的嚴重性是這樣的。

I remember when I was in junior high, we had this music appreciation class that we never appreciated.

我記得我上國中的時候，我們有一門音樂鑑賞課，但我們從來沒有欣賞過，

And they took us to hear some classical music once at a symphony orchestra, so we go to a symphony orchestra.

他們帶我們去交響樂團聽了一次古典音樂。

In one of these classical pieces, there's a moment where they bang a gong and every time they banged the gong,

在其中一首古典樂曲中，有一個時刻他們會敲鑼，每次敲鑼的時候，

all the kids sitting in front of me would stand up, turn to me and bow like that.

所有坐在我前面的孩子都會站起來，轉向我，然後像這樣鞠躬。

Which is some racist ass bullshit.

這真是非常種族歧視的。

But also incredibly well coordinated for a group of 13-year-olds.

但對於一群 13 歲的孩子來說，非常有默契。

13-year-olds are the meanest people in the world. They terrify me to this day.

13 歲的孩子是世界上最壞的人。他們至今仍讓我感到害怕。

If I'm on the street on like a Friday at 3 p.m, and I see a group of eighth graders on one side of the street, I will cross to the other side of the street,

如果我在星期五下午 3 點在街上看到一群八年級學生在街道的一邊，我就會穿過到街的另一邊，

because eighth graders will make fun of you but in an accurate way.

因為八年級學生會取笑你，但又很一刀斃命。

They will get to the thing that you don't like about you.

他們會挖掘出你自己不喜歡的東西。

They don't even need to look at you for long.

他們甚至不需要看你很久。

They'll just be like, "Ha ha ha ha, ha, ha ha, ha ha ha. Hey, look at that high-waisted man. He got feminine hips."

他們就會說：「哈哈哈。嘿，看看那個高腰男。他的屁股好娘。」

And I'm like, "No, that's the thing I'm sensitive about."

我心想：「不對！我為這方面很敏感！」

When I was a boy, I was also confused with a woman sometimes over the phone because before I went through puberty, I had a voice like a little flute.

當我還是個男孩的時候，有時在電話中我也會被誤認為是女性，因為在我進入青春期之前，我的聲音就像一支小笛子。

I was once on the telephone with Blockbuster Video, which is a very old-fashioned sentence.

我曾經打電話給百視達，這聽起來是個很老的句子，

And it is, I was on the telephone with Blockbuster Video.

確實，我曾經打電話給百視達。

That's like when your grandma would be like, "We'd all go play jacks down at the soda fountain."

這就像跟你奶奶會說：「我們都去蘇打水機那邊玩傑克遊戲。」一樣老。

You're like, "No one knows what you're talking about. You idiot."

你會說：「沒人知道你在說什麼，你個白痴。」

You know how you talk to your grandma.

你都是這麼跟你阿嬤說話的。

So I was on the phone with Blockbuster.

於是我就打電話給百視達。

I'd called them a couple of times in one day to ask about a movie.

我在一天之內給他們打了幾次電話，詢問一部電影的情況。

And I called for a third time, I said, "Hey, yeah. I was just calling to see if you had Addams Family Values yet."

當我打了第三次，我說：「黑，我只是打電話想問問你有沒有《阿達一族2》。」

And the guy at Blockbuster went, "Hey lady, I'll tell you when we get Adam's family values."

百視達的人就說：「嘿，小姐，等我們有《阿達一族2》時會再告訴你好嗎！」

But look, I wasn't offended as a boy being confused with a lady,

但是，我並不是因為身為一個男生背誤認為女性兒感到被冒犯，

I was offended as a lady who is getting pushed around by this chauvinist asshole that works at Blockbuster Video, talking to me like I'm some floozy.

而是作為一個被這個在百視達工作的沙文主義混蛋推託的女性而感到被冒犯，他對我說話的口氣就像我是什麼輕浮的女人一樣。

I am a proud Asian American woman and you will treat me with respect.

我是一名自豪的亞裔美國女性，你要尊重我。

I am a tiger mom.

我是一個虎媽。

I've lived in this city now. I love it.

我已經在這座城市生活過了。我很喜歡。

I've lived here for a few years now.

我在這裡住了幾年了。

And so I have this new phenomenon in my life where like late at night on the street, women will see me as a threat.

所以我的生活中出現了一種新現象，比如深夜在街上，女人會把我當成威脅。

That is funny. Yeah, that is silly.

真有趣。是啊，這太傻了。

That is silly.

這太愚蠢了。

It's kind of flattering in its own way, but at the same time, it's weird because like, I'm still afraid of being kidnapped, honestly.

這本身有點受寵若驚，但同時，也很奇怪，因為說實話，我還是害怕被綁架。

But I'll give you the best example of this.

但我給你舉個最好的例子。

A few months ago, I was at a subway station at two o'clock in the morning.

幾個月前，我凌晨兩點在地鐵站。

And at this station, I'm changing trains and you have to walk down this long hallway in order to change trains.

在這個車站，我要換乘火車，你必須走過長長的走廊才能換乘火車。

So it's two o'clock in the morning, it's just me and this woman.

時間是凌晨兩點，只有我跟這個女生。

And we're walking along and she's walking a few yards ahead of me, but she keeps giving me like the over the shoulder, like that.

我們走在一起，她走在我前面幾碼遠的地方，但她一直回頭看，就像這樣。

And then, she starts to pick up the pace, she starts to walk a lot faster.

然後她開始加快步伐，她開始走得更快了。

So I think, "Oh, she must hear the train coming."

所以我想：「哦，她一定是聽到火車來了。」

Well, you know, maybe she feels it in her feet like a native American.

也許她能像美國原住民一樣從腳底感受到動靜。

So I start to, I start to sprint down the hallway at her and she looks back and she's like, "Ahh."

所以我開始在走廊上向她衝刺 ，她回頭看，然後大叫。

And then she gives chase, right?

然後她開始玩你追我跑了。

So now we're booking it down the corridor at two o'clock in the morning and I'm gaining on her.

所以現在我們正在凌晨兩點沿著走廊狂奔，我正在逼近她。

I'm gaining on her and we're getting to the end of the hallway and she starts to go into that like dead end to shuffle, you know, that women do when you chase them.

我正在逼近她，我們快要到走廊的盡頭，她開始走進那個像是死胡同一樣的地方，就是當你追逐女性時她們會這麼做。

And I'm almost at her.

我快逼近她了。

I'm almost at her and then it dawns on me, "Oh, she's running from me."

快了，然後我突然發覺：「喔，她是在逃離我。」

Because in her eyes, I'm an adult, and adults rape each other.

因為在她眼中，我是大人，而大人會強暴彼此。

Kind of a lot.

還挺常的。

So I wanted to go up to her and be like, "Hey. Whoa. No, no, I'm not like a..."

所以我想上前跟她說 ：「嘿，我不是那種人啦。」

"I'm not a man, I'm some stupid punk, you know."

「我不是男人，我是愚蠢的混蛋。」

But I think that that would be equally creepy because if you were in a subway station at two o'clock in the morning,

但我認為這同樣令人毛骨悚然，因為如果在凌晨兩點的地鐵站，

and I chased you down, grabbed you and said, "I'm not gonna rape you. I'm a little boy."

我追你，抓住你，說：「我不會強姦你，我是小男孩。」

I actually just quit drinking a couple of months ago because...

實際上，幾個月前我戒酒了，因為...

Oh, I'm not exactly slap-happy about it myself. Boo me.

我對此也不是那麼高興。噓我吧。

But I had a problem because I was blacking out all the time.

但我有個問題，因為我總是經常斷片。

And I went and I talked to my doctor and he said it's not that you drink too much.

然後我去見我的醫生，他說不是你喝太多，

It's just that after a couple of major blackouts, you black out easier and easier after that.

只是在斷片幾次之後，你就會越來越容易斷片。

So I would just have like a couple of drinks in my brain would be like, "Ok, I see where this is heading."

所以我喝了幾杯酒之後，大腦就會想：「好的，我知道該怎麼做了。」

We're just going to power down now and get restarted sometime tomorrow morning.

我們現在先斷片，明天早上某個時間再重新啟動。

The morning after a blackout that was so strange because I always feel like this detective,

斷片了一整晚醒來後的感覺真是太奇怪了，因為我總是覺得自己像個偵探，

trying to solve the mystery of how I got home the night before.

試圖解開昨晚我怎麼回到家的神秘之謎。

It's the case of the empty wallet and the, for some reason, bleeding knee.

錢包裡的錢不見和不知為何膝蓋在流血的案件。

And luckily, I can get right on the case because I'm still fully clothed from the night before.

幸運的是，我可以立刻開始調查，因為我還穿著昨晚的衣服。

It's not good. Bad, bad.

這不太好。這很糟。

It was always weird when I go out with like some money and black out and wake up with no money.

每次我帶了一些錢出門，斷片之後，醒來時錢就不見了，總是讓我感到很奇怪。

But it was a lot weirder when I go out with some money, black out and wake up with more money.

但更奇怪的是，我帶著一些錢出門，斷片之後，醒來時發現錢變多了。

That meant that I had earned money.

這代表我賺到錢了。

That meant that I had traded goods and or services and blacked out.

這代表我進行了某種商品和服務的交易，然後斷片了。

It's not anything wholesome.

這不是什麼有益健康的東西。

It's not like I was temping at a real estate office.

我又不是在房地產公司做臨時工。

I saw this woman on the news, she started drinking when she was eight years old when she was eight.

我在新聞上看到這個女人，她八歲時就開始酗酒。

I don't even know what I'd be like drunk at eight years old.

我甚至不知道自己八歲時喝醉了會是什麼樣子。

My dad just come home from work and be like, "So, John, what did you do today?"

我爸爸下班回家問：「約翰，你今天做了什麼？」

"Colored."

「畫畫。」

"You did what now?" "Colored, you know, like with a cram."

「你做什麼？」「畫畫，用蠟筆。」

"Well, what did you color?"

「你畫了什麼？」

"Brontosaurus rex."

「Brontosaurus rex。」（一種虛構的恐龍）

"You mean tyrannosaurus rex?"

「你是說霸王龍嗎？」

"I said what I said."

「我說什麼就是什麼。」

"Come here. Come down to my level."

「給我過來。蹲下來。」

"You don't know me. I got secrets."

「你不瞭解我。我有祕密。」

"You know how you and mom said I'm not allowed to watch Night Court?"

「你知道你和媽媽說過我不能看《夜間法庭》的。」

"I watch it. When you're out of the room, I watch it and I get it."

「你不在的時候我會看。我會偷看，而且我懂。」

"The one lawyer has a lot of sex, I get it."

「就是一個有很多性生活的律師。」

"Were you at O'Halligan's tonight?"

「你今晚是去了 O'Halligan's 嗎？」

"It was nickel shot night."

「今天是 shot 狂歡夜耶。」

"I got this many."

「我喝了這麼多。」

I always wanted to live in New York when I was a kid.

我小時候一直想住在紐約。

I'm so excited that I get to live in New York.

我很高興能住在紐約。

I saw New York City in a movie when I was a kid.

我在小時候看過一部電影。

It was called Home Alone 2: Lost in New York.

電影叫《小鬼當家2紐約迷途》。

It is a sequel.