I'm like, "That's fine. If you think my life is so easy, why don't you go to some open call auditions?

我說：「沒關係。如果你覺得我的生活那麼輕鬆，那你為什麼不去參加一些公開試鏡呢？

And you understand how hard it is, how much rejection I face every day at my job."

這樣你就能理解這有多難，理解我在工作中每天要面對多少拒絕。」

He was like, "OK."

他就說：「好喔。」

And he went to all these auditions and he started booking everything.

他參加了試鏡，然後開始接到了所有的演出機會。

It's a true story.

這是真實的故事。

He got on this show in China, in mainland China, called Little Daddy.

他在中國大陸上了一檔節目，叫《小爸爸》。

Half a billion people watch that show.

有五億人在看這個節目。

It's like the Big Bang theory of China and Richard blew up.

這就像中國版的《生活大爆炸》然後 Richard 就爆紅了。

And he was like, "This is easy. I don't know."

他說：「這很簡單啊，我也不知道為什麼。」

My plan completely backfired.

我的計劃完全適得其反。

And my aunt in Shanghai, she watched the show and she would call the house in LA and she's like,

我在上海的姨媽也看了這個節目，她會打電話到洛杉磯的家裡，她說：

"Congratulations Richard. You're such a good actor. Did your son teach you how to act?"

「恭喜你 Richard，你真是個好演員。是你兒子教你怎麼演戲的嗎？」

And he's like, "No, no, I'm a natural."

他說：「不，不，是我有天份。」

"Oh, that's very good. You and your son, same business. You know, you two are very funny."

「那很好啊。你和你兒子做一樣的工作。 你們兩個都很有趣。」

He's like, "No, no, Jimmy is not funny."

他說：「不，不，吉米一點都不好笑。」

And I'm like, "Dad, that's bullshit. OK?

我跟他說：「爸，這根本不是一回事好嗎？

You got one good role. Good for you. I'm happy for you.

你得到一個很好的角色，你很棒，我很為你開心，

But you're not a real actor yet.

但你還不是一個真正的演員。

Real actors, we got to cry, we got to laugh.

真正的演員需要會哭，需要會笑。

Do you even know how to cry in front of a camera?"

你知道如何在鏡頭前哭泣嗎？」

He was like, "Yes, I just think about how much you suck at ping pong."

他說：「會啊，我只需要想想你乒乓球打得有多爛就會哭了。」

Needless to say, I grew up with low self esteem because I was raised by Asian parents.

不用多說，我是在自卑中長大的，因為我是由亞洲父母撫養長大的。

My dad is not even the worst; my mom is much worse.

我爸爸還不是最糟糕的，我媽媽更糟糕。

Have you guys ever hung out with old Asian ladies?

你們有沒有和亞洲老太太一起混在一起過？

Old Asian ladies will tell you exactly what the fuck is wrong with your face as if they try to do you a favor.

亞洲老太太會毫不客氣地告訴你，好像是在幫你一個忙一樣，直截了當地指出你臉上的問題是什麼。

I go to my mom's house, the first thing she says, she's like,

我去我媽媽家，她第一件說的事情就是，她說：

"Jimmy, oh yo, oh yo, why is your face so fat?

「吉米啊，哦呦，你的臉怎麼這麼胖？

Your clothes look homeless and your hair, oh yo, it's a gay."

你的衣服看起來像流浪漢在穿的，你的頭髮，哦呦，看起來很同性戀。」

Sometimes it's like embarrassing for me to hang out with my mom.

有時候和我媽出去真的讓我感到尷尬。

You know, 'cause Asian people, we just got a different custom, you know.

因為亞洲人有不同的習俗。

Like my mom, when she goes shopping, she doesn't buy shit she needs, she just buys shit because it's a good deal.

就像我媽媽，她去購物時不是買她需要的東西，是買她覺得划算的東西。

One time, I bought a full price shirt home, $20 and she was like,

有一次，我把一件原價 20 美元襯衫帶回家，她問：

"Was it a full price? No, it's a bad deal."

「這是原價的嗎？一點都不划算。」

I was like, "Mom, It's only 20 bucks.

我說：「媽媽，這只要 20 美元。」

She's like, "Yes, $20. If you are stupid."

她說：「對啊，傻子才會花 20 美元買原價。」

She goes to Ross and she freaks out because everything is a great deal.

她去羅斯百貨就會因為每樣東西都是很划算的價格而發瘋。（羅斯百貨為美國廉價百貨公司）

She's like, "Jimmy, you should buy this, you should buy, this is a good deal. This is a good deal."

她就會說：「吉米啊，你應該買這個，這很划算。」

I'm like, "Mom, that's a double XL shirt, ok?

我說：「媽媽，那是一件 XL 上衣耶，

And it says obey on it. I'm not gonna fucking wear that."

而且上面還寫著「服從」，我他媽才不穿呢。」

And she's like, "It's OK. 50% off. Someday it will fit, ok?"

她就說：「沒關係啦，打五折耶，總有一天會合身的，好嗎？」

If you want a good deal, you follow the old Asian people, right?

如果你想得到划算的交易，就跟著亞洲老人走，對吧？

You go to Costco, you see a sea of old Asian people because you know everyone is getting a great deal.

你去好市多，看到的都是亞洲老人，因為你知道每個人都可以獲得划算的交易。

Nobody is getting ripped off.

沒有人被騙。

You go to Whole Foods, never seen one old Asian motherfucker in my life.

我這輩子都沒見過半個亞洲老人去全食超市。（全食超市為全美最大的天然及有機食品超市）

We don't believe in that shit.

我們不相信那些有機的鬼話。

I grew up very stereotypically, man.

我成長過程真的超級刻板印象的。

I didn't play basketball, football.

我不會打籃球、橄欖球，

I grew up playing ping pong, competitively.

我長大的過程都是打乒乓球，還打得超競爭。

That was a serious national sport back home, man.

那在我們家鄉是一項嚴肅的全國運動。

You know, I didn't go to any like fun summer camp, space camp.

你敢相信，我從來沒有去過什麼有趣的夏令營、太空營，

My dad sent me to a ping pong training camp in Guangzhou, China.

我爸就直接把我一個乒乓球訓練營，還在中國廣州這樣。

I almost died.

我還差點掛掉耶。

It was 100 kids competing for one spot on the national team.

有一百多小孩競爭一個國家隊的資格。

It was basically Fortnite with ping pong paddles.

基本上就是拿著乒乓球拍的《要塞英雄》。

We took that shit seriously though.

但我們對這件事真的超認真。

My dad would take me to every practice, every tournament game and he always tried to give me a pep talk before every game.

我爸會親自帶我去每一次練習、每一場錦標賽，然後在每一場比賽之前，他都會試圖幫我打氣。

But you know, Asian parents, they're way too honest.

不過你們也知道亞洲父母嘛，他們真的是有點太誠實。

So every pep talk just turned into an insult.

所以每一次打氣都變成像是在靠北我。

Like he will come up to me and be like,

像他會來跟我說，

"Jimmy, Jimmy, you're going to play well, ok?

「吉米啊，吉米啊，你要給我打好一點喔。

Even though you're slow, even though you're weak and you suck."

雖然你很慢，雖然你很弱，而且你還超爛。」

And then he would just walk away.

然後他就這樣給我走掉了。

I was very good at math.

我的數學很好。

That's a big Asian stereotype.

這是對亞洲人的一大刻板印象。

I think there's some truth to that.

我想這是有一定道理的。

Not because it's some weird genetic thing just because our parents care so much more about mathematics and academics.

這並不是因為我們的遺傳基因有多奇怪，只是因為我們的父母更關心數學和課業。

Right?

對不對？

You guys seen it, you guys seen those like Kumon learning centers in those strip malls, right?

你們看過吧，你們有看過那些在購物中心裡的 Kumon學習中心，對吧？

Kumon learning centers, so you guys that don't know are basically detention camps for young Asian Children.

不知道的人，Kumon 學習中心基本上是年輕亞洲孩子的拘留營。

You can tell that place is kind of fucked up by the look of its logo because it's supposed to be a smiley face, but it's not really smiley.

從他們招牌的外觀就能看出那個地方有點爛，因為它應該是一張笑臉，但實際上並不怎麼開心。

It's just like, man.

它的表情很不屑。

My parents are way too cheap to send me to Kumon. They got a different strategy.

我父母太小氣了，不會把我送去 Kumon。他們有其他的策略。

They never let me use a calculator until I turned 15.

在我 15 歲之前，他們從不讓我使用計算機。

So I can work on my brain function.

這樣我就可以鍛鍊我的大腦功能了。

That's an old school Chinese strategy, you know.

這是傳統的中國學習策略。

So when I turned 15, it was a very special occasion.

所以當我滿 15 歲時，那是一個非常特殊的時刻。

It was basically my quinceanera.

那基本上就是我的十五歲派對。

My dad just gave me a TI-83 Plus and he looked me in the eyes and he was like, "You're a woman now. OK?"

我爸爸給我一台 TI-83 Plus 計算機，然後他看著我的眼睛對我說：「你現在是個成年女人了。」

But when you're a kid, when your parents tell you can't do something, what do you do?

但當你還是個孩子的時候，當父母告訴你不能做某件事，你會怎麼做？

You rebel, right?

你會造反，對吧？

So when I was 14 years old, I stole my brother's calculator.

所以在我 14 歲的時候，我偷了我哥哥的計算機。

I stole Roy Roger's calculator and I locked myself in my room and I started rebelling.

我偷了 Roy Roger 的計算器，把自己鎖在房間裡，開始造反。

I started doing math homework.

我開始寫數學作業。

Other kids were like fucking around with like alcohol and drugs.

其他孩子的叛逆期是酗酒、吸毒。

I was fucking up some problems, you know, locked myself in a room.

我當時則是對著數學問題造反，把自己鎖在房間裡。

I was just punching in numbers. I was like, "Oh man, this feels great." You know.

我就不斷的在計算機上敲打數字，我當時想：「天哪，這感覺太棒了。」

It's so wrong. It's awesome.

我好壞，但感覺好讚。

My dad was pissed.

我爸爸很生氣。

He was knocking on the outside of the door.

他在門外敲門。

He doesn't like locked doors in the house and he was screaming.

他不喜歡家裡鎖著門，他在外面大叫。

He was like, "Jimmy, Jimmy, what are you doing inside?

他說：「吉米，吉米，你在裡面幹什麼？

Come out right now. I know you are using a calculator, come out right now."

馬上給我出來，我知道你現在在用計算機，馬上出來。」

I was so scared. I didn't know what to do.

我害怕極了，我不知道該怎麼辦。

And he unlocked the door and he came in, I went into the full panic mode,

他打開門走了進來，我完全陷入了恐慌，

so I just threw away the calculator and I pulled down my pants.

於是我扔掉計算機，脫下褲子。

I was like, "Dad, I was just jerking off."

我說：「爸，我只是在打手槍。」

And he came in and he looked at me and then he looked at the math homework.

然後他進來，看著我，然後看了看數學作業，

And he was like, "Good, good. Very good. Very good. Very good.

他說：「很好，很好，非常好。

You must really like math. That's good. That's good. Keep it up."

你一定很喜歡數學。這很好。繼續保持。」

Because there's nothing, there's nothing that will make your Asian father more proud than to see his son jerk off to his math homework.

因為沒有什麼比看到兒子對著數學作業打手槍，更能讓你的亞洲父親感到驕傲的了。