Thank you.

謝謝你。

Not in a good way.

不是好的名聲。

Oh.

喔。

This is Rear Admiral Bates; I'm Vice Admiral Beau "Cyclone" Simpson.

這位是海軍少將貝茲，我是海軍中將博·「旋風」·辛普森。

That is an awesome name.

那名字真的太酷了。

I know.

我知道。

We've summoned you here today to talk about the Oscars.

我們今天召喚你來這裡是為了討論奧斯卡。

I have to admit, I wasn't expecting to be asked to host again.

我必須承認，我並沒有預期會再次被邀請主持。

Well, let me be perfectly clear: You were not my first choice.

嗯，讓我說清楚：你並不是我的首選。

Or my second choice, or my third, fourth, or eleventh choice.

或是第 2、第 3、第 4，甚至是第 11 個選擇。

In fact, we asked a lot of people before you.

事實上，我們找你之前問了很多人的意願。

Well, I'd rather not know who they were.

嗯，我寧可不知道他們是誰。

Let me tell you: Whoopi Goldberg, Tina Fey, Jon Stewart, Chris Rock.

我來跟你說：琥碧·戈柏、蒂娜·費、喬恩·史都華、克里斯·洛克。

Letterman, Leno, Arsenio, Magic Johnson, Chevy Chase, a child dressed as a pirate.

大衛·賴特曼、傑·雷諾、阿塞尼奧·霍爾、魔術強森、吉維・蔡斯、裝扮成海盜的一個小孩。

- Well, those are pretty good⏤ - Steve Martin, Steve Carell, Steve Buscemi, Steve Austin, Steve Seagal, Steve Urkel, Steve from "Blue's Clues".

- 嗯，他們都是不錯的—— - 史提夫·馬丁、史提夫·卡爾、史蒂夫·布希密、史蒂夫·奧斯汀、史蒂芬·席格、史蒂夫·烏克爾、《妙妙狗》裡的史蒂夫。

That's just the Steves.

那還只是名為 Steve 的候選人而已。

Did you ask Steve Harvey?

你們有問史蒂夫·哈維嗎？

Begged Steve Harvey.

我們懇求了史蒂夫·哈維。

He would've been good.

他的表現一定會很好。

Good?

很好？

Are you kidding? Steve Harvey would've been incredible.

你在說笑嗎？如果是史蒂夫·哈維的話，會超棒。

But that's not important right now.

但那不是現在的重點。

Warlock, tell him about the mission.

術士，跟他說明任務。

The objective is the 3,332-seat Dolby Theater on Hollywood Boulevard.

目的地是好萊塢大道上、可容納 3,332 個人的柯達劇院。

Inside is the 95th Oscars.

在裡面會舉辦第 95 屆奧斯卡。

- A 3-hour celebration of⏤ - 3 hours; right.

- 長 3 小時的慶典—— - 3 小時，最好是。

A 3-hour celebration of cinema, featuring the biggest movie stars of the world.

3 小時的影業慶典，特別介紹世界上最大的電影明星。

ABC has tasked us with finding a host who is unflappable and unslappable.

ABC 電台要我們找一個沈著冷靜、不能被賞巴掌的主持人。

Good, oh, that's good, 'cause I can't get slapped; I cry a lot.

好，喔，那很好，因為我不能被賞巴掌，我很愛哭。

Tell us your plan of attack.

告訴我們你的攻擊計劃。

Well, I'd probably start with a big musical number.

嗯，我大慨會用盛大的音樂劇開場。

One that would go a little something like this.

曲子可能會有點像這樣。

- The Oscars, the star⏤ - OK, please.

- 奧斯卡、眾星—— - 好了，拜託。

No singing.

不准唱歌。

What about a dance number where I really⏤

那跳舞表演如何，我可以真的——

I can do the robot.

我可以跳機械舞。

No dancing.

不准跳舞。

Well, in that case, that's a big audience of very nervous famous people.

嗯，這樣的話，當天觀眾會充滿一群很緊張的名人。

So, I'd probably start with something self-deprecating to break the ice; joke about how I'm wearing two sets of Spanx.

所以我大概會用一些自嘲的言語來打破僵局，開玩笑說我穿了兩套塑身衣。（譯註：Spanx 為女用塑身衣品牌名）

Maybe something about the magic of storytelling⏤they love that.

或許可以講一些說故事的魔力，他們很愛那種東西。

And, then, I'll lead a standing ovation for someone old, and if I make it out, there's only 4 or 5 hours left until we give Best Picture to, hopefully, the right movie.

然後我會帶領大家起立為某個老人鼓掌，然後如果我順利完成，那我們只需要撐 4 到 5 小時就可以頒發最佳影片，希望是搬給正確的電影。

What do you think?

你們怎麼想？

I think we made a terrible mistake.

我覺得我們犯了很糟糕的錯誤。

I think he can do it.

我覺得他可以勝任。

Double Admiral Crystal.

雙上將克里斯托。

Is there any way you could host?

有什麼方法可以讓你主持嗎？

No, I have a dentist appointment Sunday night.

沒有，我週日晚上約好要看牙醫了。

Sunday⏤

週日——

Listen, I've hosted this thing 9 times, and I say give the kid a shot.

聽著，我已經主持了 9 次，我的意見是，給這孩子一個機會。

Oh, wait, you know, I've hosted twice before.

哦，等等，是這樣的，我以前主持過兩次。

Really?

真的嗎？

- Yeah. - Didn't see it.

- 對。 - 我沒看過。

Oh.

喔。

You know, you don't have to take this job.

你知道的，你不一定得要接受這份工作。

I actually do; I went all in on crypto and I'm about to lose my condominium.

我其實需要，因為我把家當都投入在虛擬貨幣上，快要被迫出售我的公寓了。

So, I mean, unless you got somebody better...

所以我的意思是，除非你們找得的更好的人選⋯⋯

I'm your guy.

不然就只剩我了。