Here's three time Pool itzer Prize nominee,

這是三次獲得Pool itzer獎提名的人。

Perch Perkins.

珀金斯。

Tonight's top stories:

今晚的頭條新聞。

Local fish finds himself struggling

在地魚發現自己在掙扎

to keep his head above water

以保持他的頭在水面上

before remembering he is already underwater.

然後才想起他已經在水下了。

Then the Krusty Krab is under fire for violating

然後，蟹堡王因違反規定而受到責備

health laws, safety laws, and the very laws of physics.

健康法、安全法和物理學法則。

His money's no good here.

他的錢在這裡沒有用。

What are you saying, Mr. Squidward?

你在說什麼，章魚哥先生？

Wait.

等等。

How is there a glass of water if we're already under water?

如果我們已經在水下，怎麼會有一杯水？

Stop breaking the laws of physics.

不要再破壞物理學定律了。

And finally, a beloved local bubble citizen nearly harmed

最後，一位受人愛戴的當地保麗龍公民幾乎受到傷害

after being wrongfully accused of poisoning...

在被錯誤地指控投毒後...

- He poisoned our water supply! - Arson...

- 他在我們的供水系統中投毒!- 縱火罪...

- Burned our crop! - And biological warfare.

- 燒了我們的莊稼!- 還有生物戰。

And delivered a plague onto our houses!

並把瘟疫送到我們的房子裡!

But first, does Goo Lagoon need more bathrooms?

但首先，古拉貢需要更多的浴室嗎？

We have a caller on the line with his thoughts

我們有一位來電者，他有自己的想法

on the subject in a new segment we call

在一個新的部分，我們稱之為

The Potty Report.

廁所報告》。

Harold, can you hear me?

哈羅德，你能聽到我嗎？

There's only one bathroom stall on the entire beach,

整個海灘上只有一個衛生間隔間。

and I've been waiting in this line for over two hours!

而我已經在這條線上等了兩個多小時了!

Come on! What's the holdup?!

來吧！有什麼問題嗎？

Wow, that's powerful stuff.

哇，那是強有力的東西。

But now, we turn to a death defying story

但現在，我們轉向了一個不畏死亡的故事

of one fish who came face to face

的一條魚，面對面地

with the high tide.

隨著漲潮的到來。

[siren blaring]

[警報聲響起]

Local surf bum Scooter (the fish) was buried alive

當地衝浪者Scooter（魚）被活埋了

at his own request earlier today.

今天早些時候，在他自己的要求下，他被送往醫院。

Kids, bury me. [laughing]

孩子們，把我埋了。[笑聲]

While it may have seemed like fun and games at first...

雖然一開始可能看起來很好玩，但...

All done.

全部完成。

[slow motion] All done.

[慢動作]全部完成。

when this anonymous bubble failed to dig him up in time.

當這個匿名的保麗龍未能及時將他挖出來時。

Don't just stand there, dude.

不要只是站在那裡，夥計。

The tide's coming in. [laughing]

潮水來了。[笑聲]

Scooter found himself face to face with the high tide

斯庫特發現自己面對的是高漲的潮水

in an incident that left this poor fish

在一次事件中，這條可憐的魚

completely under water.

完全在水中。

[laughing]

[笑聲]

What's that?

那是什麼？

Folks, our fact checking team has just informed me

夥計們，我們的事實核查小組剛剛通知我

that fish can indeed survive underwater.

魚類確實可以在水下生存。

So, yeah, a fish ended up underwater.

所以，是的，一條魚在水下結束了。

Seriously, I- I don't see why this is even news.

說真的，我--我不明白為什麼這甚至是新聞。

Now over to the much less attractive reporter,

現在交給這位不那麼有吸引力的記者。

Lurch Lurkins for today's weather.

盧奇-盧金斯為今天的天氣。

Lurch, how you doing?

盧奇，你還好嗎？

What's that, Perch?

那是什麼，Perch？

I couldn't hear you over your insecurities.

在你的不安全感面前，我聽不到你的聲音。

[chuckles]

[笑聲]

All right, all you invertebrate invertebrates,

好了，所有你們這些無脊椎動物的無脊椎人。

get ready to hibernate because according to local mammals,

準備好冬眠吧，因為根據當地哺乳動物的說法。

winter has come early.

冬天已經提前到來。

Despite it being Leif Ericson Day,

儘管今天是Leif Ericson日。

which we all know falls on October ninth,

我們都知道這一天是10月9日。

the latest barometric readings from resident scientist

駐地科學家提供的最新氣壓讀數

Sandy Cheeks' tree dome already show weather patterns

Sandy Cheeks的樹穹頂已經顯示出天氣模式

that usually only appear in midwinter.

通常只在隆冬時節出現。

What's the cause of this fishy forecast?

這種腥風血雨的預測是什麼原因？

Nobody knows, but what we do know

沒有人知道，但我們知道的是

is that Sandy's tree dome, is looking

是，桑迪的樹穹頂，正在尋找

more like a snow globe open for a fintastic ski season.

更像是一個開放的雪球，以迎接一個美好的滑雪季節。

Uh? Uh?

呃？呃？

G- Get it? B-because fish and... fin... uh...

G-明白嗎？因為魚和... 鰭... 呃...

[clearing throat, sniffing]

[清嗓子，吸鼻子]

Back to you, Perch.

回到你身邊，珀奇。

Oh, Lurch. Neither attractive nor funny.

哦，盧奇。既沒有吸引力也不有趣。

Maybe leave the jokes to me. I- Oh.

也許把笑話留給我吧。我--哦。

[clearing throat] Um, I- I swear that's not mine.

[清嗓子]嗯，我--我發誓那不是我的。

Next up, some seriously fishy news

接下來是一些嚴重的陰謀新聞

from the Bikini Bottom Health Department.

來自比基尼海灘衛生局。

You might want to start eating at the Chum Bucket

你可能想開始在海之霸吃飯了

because recent reports suggest

因為最近的報告表明

that the Krusty Krab might not be as sanitary

蟹堡王的衛生狀況可能不盡如人意。

as we once thought.

正如我們曾經認為的那樣。

That's right,

這就對了。

everyone's favorite crab trap shaped eatery

每個人都喜歡的螃蟹陷阱形狀的食堂

was caught violating numerous health,

被發現違反了許多衛生規定。

and safety laws this morning.

和安全法，今天上午。

This security footage captured the restaurant's owner himself,

這段監控錄像拍下了餐廳老闆本人。

Eugene Krabs, pre-chewing a customer's food

尤金-克拉布，預先咀嚼顧客的食物

before serving it to her.

在給她上菜之前。

Warning: This footage is not for the faint of heart.

警告。這段錄像不適合膽小的人觀看。

If you're easily grossed out, you might want to look away now.

如果你很容易被噁心到，你可能想現在就把目光移開。

Ugh.

呃。

I forgot that I'm easily grossed out.

我忘了，我很容易被噁心到。

Krabs was also seen giving himself an amateur tattoo

人們還看到蟹老闆給自己做了一個業餘的刺青

in the dining area of the restaurant

在餐廳的用餐區

while somehow fitting himself

而自己卻莫名其妙地適合

into a tiny cash register drawer.

進入一個小小的收銀機抽屜。

Breaking the laws of physics

打破物理學規律

and bringing up many health code concerns.

並提出了許多衛生法規方面的問題。

We have an anonymous caller on the line now with his take

現在有一位匿名來電者在網上發表了他的看法

on this disgusting mess.

在這個令人厭惡的混亂局面中。

While what Mr. Krabs is doing is no doubt disgusting,

雖然蟹老闆的做法無疑是令人厭惡的。

what I think is even more disgusting is

我認為更令人厭惡的是

that the cashier Squidward Q. Tentacles;

那位收銀員章魚哥的觸角。

whom you might remember as the guy voted

你可能記得他是被投票的那個人

most likely to suck eggs in hih school, is apparently serving

最有可能在學校裡吸食雞蛋的人，顯然是在服役。

bottles of pure shampoo instead of a proper drink.

瓶子裡的純洗髮水，而不是適當的飲料。

I mean, what self respecting person

我的意思是，哪個自尊心強的人

would work at such an uncivilized establishment?

會在這樣一個不文明的機構工作？

Look at it.

看看吧。

They don't even have chairs at all the tables.

他們甚至在所有的桌子上都沒有椅子。

Interesting take.

有趣的看法。

Thanks, Squill-- I mean anonymous caller.

謝謝你，Squill--我是說匿名來電者。

These accusations with rumors

這些帶有謠言的指責

that the Krusty Krab is harboring

螃蟹殼裡藏著的是什麼？

and knowingly dealing with wanted criminals means

和明知故犯地與通緝犯打交道意味著

you might want to think twice

你可能要三思而後行

before taking your business there.

在把你的業務帶到那裡之前。

The good news is the Chum Bucket has plenty

好消息是，海淘桶有很多

of dining options.

的餐飲選擇。

And they have a new menu that sources say is

他們有一個新的菜單，有消息說是

quantifiably less disgusting than the old menu.

在數量上比舊菜單的噁心程度要低。

So maybe it's time to take your business there.

是以，也許現在是時候把你的業務帶到那裡去了。

Sir, your lunch is here.

先生，您的午餐來了。

Yeah. No, no, no. That- that smells awful.

是的。不，不，不。這... 這聞起來很糟糕。

Take it away.

把它帶走。

This next story is of the shocking allegations

下面這個故事是關於令人震驚的指控

that were laid at the feet of an innocent,

被放在一個無辜者腳下的。

squeaky clean citizen, Bubble Buddy.

潔淨的公民，Bubble Buddy。

Pop the bubble! Pop the bubble!

吐出泡泡!戳破保麗龍!

What seemed to have started as some sort of sewing circle,

似乎是以某種縫紉圈開始的。

turned quickly into a slippery situation

迅速變成了一個滑坡的局面

that provoked an angry mob.

引起了憤怒的暴民。

Pop the bubble!

打破保麗龍!

[screaming]

[尖叫聲]

While nobody can confirm the reason

雖然沒有人能夠確認其原因

that over 20 beachgoers all happen to be carrying

20多個海灘上的人都碰巧帶著

sewing needles, what is confirmed

縫紉針，什麼是確認

is that they quickly turned them on one beachgoer

是，他們很快就把它們轉向了一個海灘上的人

by the name of Bubble Buddy,

名為 "Bubble Buddy"。

who was apparently ruining their day.

他顯然是在破壞他們的一天。

Give us that bubble!

把那個泡泡給我們!

While a few in the crowd did cite minor grievances,

雖然人群中確實有少數人提出了一些小的不滿。

the bubble apparently caused them...

保麗龍顯然導致他們...

You and that bubble have been nothing but trouble!

你和那個泡泡一直是個麻煩!

It's time to end it!

是時候結束它了!

Perhaps the most shocking allegation can be heard here.

也許在這裡可以聽到最令人震驚的指控。

He poisoned our water supply, burned our crops

他毒害我們的水源，燒燬我們的農作物

and delivered a plague onto our houses!

並將瘟疫傳到我們的家。

He did?

他有嗎？

Those are some serious accusations indeed.

這些確實是一些嚴重的指控。

But is there any truth to them?

但它們是否有任何真實性？

Our fact checkers have confirmed that since we are underwater,

我們的事實核查人員已經證實，既然我們在水下。

it is virtually impossible to burn the crops.

幾乎不可能燒燬農作物。

The water supply, presumably the entire ocean

水的供應，大概是整個海洋

has not been poisoned.

沒有被毒死。

And there is no evidence of a plague being delivered

而且沒有證據表明有瘟疫被送來

to any houses.

到任何房屋。

In fact, there's no evidence

事實上，沒有證據

of any houses at all in Bikini Bottom.

在比基尼海灘的任何房屋都是如此。

Everyone seems to live in these muffler thingies

每個人似乎都住在這些消聲器裡

these days.

這些天來。

So if Mister Buddy didn't actually commit

是以，如果巴迪先生實際上沒有犯下

any of these crimes,

任何這些罪行。

then what in the name of Neptune gives

那麼，以海王星的名義，是什麼給了

this angry mob the right to drive

這群憤怒的暴民的駕駛權

an up floating citizen out of town?

漂泊在外的公民？

After speaking with Bubble Buddy,

在與Bubble Buddy交談後。

he said the whole incident made him feel

他說整個事件讓他感到

While he tried to put on a brave face.

雖然他試圖裝出一副勇敢的樣子。

we here at the Bikini Bottom Inquirer,

我們這裡的《比基尼海灘詢問者》。

could see right through him.

可以看穿他。

I think I speak for all of us here

我想我在這裡代表我們所有的人說話

when I say my heart is broken

當我說我的心碎了

at the loss of this wonderful citizen.

對失去這位優秀的公民表示遺憾。

We're here for you, Bubble Buddy.

我們在這裡支持你，泡泡糖夥伴。

We're here for you.

我們在這裡為你服務。

[whimpering] Don't you cry, Perch.

[嗚咽]你不要哭，珀奇。

You swore you wouldn't cry.

你發誓你不會哭。

[whimpering]

[嗚咽聲]

[crying]

[哭聲]

Well, it looks like somebody needs Lurch Lurkins,

嗯，看起來有人需要盧奇-盧金斯。

the more composed reporter to step in and save the day.

更加沉著的記者介入並挽救了這一局面。

Thanks for joining us. I'm Lurch Lurkins,

謝謝你加入我們。我是盧奇-盧金斯。

and this concludes our evening's Bikini Bottom Inquirer.

我們今晚的《比基尼海灘調查》到此結束。

That's all the news that's fit to float.

這就是所有適合浮動的新聞。

Good night.

晚上好。

[music playing]

[音樂響起]

[music playing]

[音樂響起]

[music playing]

[音樂響起]