Name: 你的伴侶到底在想什麼？ (What Is Your Partner Really Thinking?)
Uploaded: 2022-12-26T18:45:31.000Z
Duration: 5 min 23 s

Of course, we don’t officially have the slightest  belief in mind reading: we scoff at the absurd  

當然，我們並不正式對讀心術有絲毫的相信：我們對荒謬的事情嗤之以鼻

idea that we might telepathically know what number  between one and a million a stranger is thinking  

我們可以通過心靈感應知道一個陌生人在想什麼數字，從一到一百萬之間。

of or that we could place our hands on someone  else’s skull and thereby intuit the precise  

的，或者說我們可以把我們的手放在別人的頭骨上，從而直覺到準確的

details of what they dreamt of last night. But in  relationships, whatever our professed scepticism,  

他們昨晚夢見了什麼的細節。但在人際關係中，無論我們宣稱的懷疑論是什麼。

we very frequently proceed as if mind reading were  not only possible but a standard requirement and  

我們經常這樣做，好像讀心術不僅是可能的，而且是一個標準的要求，並且

possibility in love, something of whose absence we  would have every right to complain with bitterness  

愛的可能性，如果沒有這種可能性，我們完全有權利苦苦地抱怨

and surprise. In a great many ways, we simply  assume that our partner must automatically be able  

和驚喜。在很多方面，我們簡單地認為我們的伴侶必須自動能夠

to know the movements and preoccupations of our  minds. And our expectations shows up in one of the  

以瞭解我們思想的動向和關注的問題。而我們的期望顯示在其中一個

standard ways in which we speak of the perfection  of a lover in the initial days of rapture:  

標準的方式，我們在狂歡的最初幾天裡談論夫妻的完美。

they seem to know what we are  thinking, without us needing to speak…

他們似乎知道我們在想什麼，不需要我們說話......

But our superstitious commitment to  mind-reading soon evolves into something  

但我們對讀心術的迷信承諾很快就演變成了某種東西

darker as relationships proceed, for example when: - we get huffy that our partner didn’t realise  

隨著關係的發展，這種情況會越來越嚴重，例如，當。- 我們因為伴侶沒有意識到而大發雷霆

that our off-colour comment was only a joke - we can’t imagine they could even think we’d  

我們的評論只是一個玩笑--我們無法想象他們會認為我們是在開玩笑。

like the bizarre birthday present they bought us - we’re offended that they like a  

喜歡他們給我們買的奇怪的生日禮物--我們被冒犯了，因為他們喜歡一個

book we’ve already decided is silly - we’re annoyed that they didn’t know we  

我們已經決定的書是愚蠢的--我們很惱火，他們不知道我們

wouldn’t want to go to the mountains this summer - they can’t understood the mood we are in  

今年夏天不想去山裡--他們不能理解我們現在的心情。

when we get back from having lunch with our mother

We get worked up because we can’t conceive  that certain ideas and feelings that are  

我們激動不已，因為我們無法想象，某些想法和感覺是

so vivid in our minds should not immediately be  obvious to someone who professes to care for us.  

在我們的腦海中如此生動的，不應該立即被自稱關心我們的人看出來。  

We quickly fall into believing that the partner’s  incomprehension can only be explained in one way:  

我們很快就會陷入相信，伴侶的不理解只能用一種方式來解釋。

it must come down to wilfulness or nastiness. And  therefore, it seems only fair that we respond with  

它必須歸結為故意或下流的行為。是以，我們的迴應似乎是公平的，即

one of our standard forms of punishment due  to all those who should have known better:  

我們的標準懲罰形式之一，是對所有應該知道的人的懲罰。  

a sulk - that paradoxical pattern of behaviour  in which we refuse, for several hours or even  

生悶氣--那是一種自相矛盾的行為模式，在這種模式中，我們拒絕，幾個小時甚至幾個月都拒絕

a day or two, to reveal what is wrong to our  confused partner because they should just know.

一兩天後，向我們困惑的夥伴揭示什麼是錯的，因為他們應該只是知道。

The origins of our reckless hopes are, in a sense,  extremely touching. When we were little a parent  

從某種意義上說，我們不計後果的希望的起源是極其感人的。當我們還小的時候，一位家長

really did, at key moments, seem to know what we  were thinking without us needing to speak. As if  

真的，在關鍵時刻，似乎不需要我們說話就能知道我們在想什麼。彷彿

by magic, they guessed that we might want some  milk. With a medium’s genius, they determined  

通過魔術，他們猜到我們可能想要一些牛奶。他們憑藉著媒介的天才，確定了

that we needed a bath or a nap or that a blanket  was a bit scratchy for our cheek. And from this,  

我們需要洗澡或午睡，或者毯子對我們的臉頰來說有點搔癢。而從這一點來看。

an equation formed in our minds: whenever I  am properly loved, I do not need to explain.

在我們的頭腦中形成了一個等式：只要我被適當地愛，我就不需要解釋。

But however great our parents were at reading  our minds, they had a huge advantage over our  

但是，無論我們的父母多麼善於讀懂我們的心思，他們都比我們有一個巨大的優勢。

partners: we were - back then - really very  simple. Our requirements were usefully few:  

夥伴們：我們--在那時--真的非常簡單。我們的要求非常少。  

we needed only to be fed, bathed, slept,  taken to the potty and entertained with  

我們只需要被餵食、洗澡、睡覺、帶去上廁所和娛樂。

a picture book or bit of string. But  we had no advanced views on politics,  

一本圖畫書或一點繩子。但我們對政治沒有先進的看法。

we had no complicated opinions on interior  design, our psyches didn’t register feint  

我們對室內設計沒有複雜的意見，我們的心理也不曾有絲毫不適。

tremors of sarcasm or hypocrisy, we couldn’t be  thrown off course by the pronunciation of a word.

在諷刺或虛偽的情況下，我們不可能因為一個詞的發音而偏離方向。

How much more complicated we have grown  since then. We are now adults who can  

從那時起，我們已經變得多麼複雜。我們現在是成年人，可以

feel very strongly that a table must be placed  symmetrically in a room twenty centimetres from  

非常強烈地感覺到，在一個房間裡，桌子必須對稱地擺放在離地面20釐米的地方。

the door to the kitchen; or we like it very  much when or partner rolls up their sleeves  

我們非常喜歡在廚房的門口，或在夥伴捲起袖子的時候。

but we hate them wearing a short-sleeved shirt,  especially the green one; we like being teased  

但我們討厭他們穿短袖襯衫，尤其是綠色的；我們喜歡被嘲笑

(but only sometimes and never about our age); we  are very critical of our mother but can’t allow  

(但只是有時，而且從不談論我們的年齡）；我們對我們的母親非常挑剔，但不允許

anyone to mention her habit of being late; we come  across as confident but think of ourselves as shy;  

任何人都不會提到她遲到的習慣；我們表現得很自信，但認為自己很害羞。

we like art but have an aversion to museums;  we love stone fruits but hate peaches;  

我們喜歡藝術，但對博物館有反感；我們喜歡核果，但討厭桃子。

we talk a lot about politics but can’t stand  reading newspapers. Our partner’s inability  

我們經常談論政治，但無法忍受閱讀報紙。我們的夥伴的無能

to know all this - fast and decisively -  necessarily feels like an intimate insult  

迅速而果斷地瞭解這一切，必然會感到是一種親密的侮辱。

and the complex task of explaining our thoughts  and attitudes like an unreasonable imposition.

和解釋我們的思想和態度的複雜任務，像一個不合理的強加。

But once we accept that there is no such thing as  mindreading, a central part of our relationship  

但是，一旦我們接受了沒有讀心術這回事，我們關係的一個核心部分

becomes the slow, careful process of piecing  together - in one another’s company - what  

成為一個緩慢、仔細的過程，在彼此的陪伴下，將什麼拼湊起來。

matters to us and why, with all the surprise and  moments of genuine revelation this entails. We  

這對我們來說很重要，為什麼呢？我們

accept that there will be an immense amount  we need to teach each other about who we are  

接受我們將有大量的工作要做，我們需要彼此瞭解我們是誰

pretty much every day - while trusting that  this is not an attack on the idea of love.

幾乎每天都是如此--同時相信這並不是對愛的理念的攻擊。