And honestly, this is a burn to myself.

說實話，我其實蠻受傷的。

But I don't blame him, like, the first guy I ever dated when I was 15.

但不怪他，舉我 15 歲時第一個約會的男人來說。

My dad told him, "Make sure you buckle up when you're driving my daughter around."

我爸爸跟他說：「你載我女兒的時候，一定要繫好安全帶。」

Oh, for sure, Daddio.

哦，當然了，老爹。

But, of course.

但結果當然...

- Boo, my dad said to buckle up. - Come on, boo, ain't nothing gonna happen.

- 寶貝，我爸說要繫好安全帶。- 安啦，寶，不會怎樣啦。

Seriously, my boyfriend literally said nothing is gonna happen.

我男朋友真的說「什麼也不會發生。」

And then immediately, we ran into a car.

然後，馬上，我們就追尾了。

And because he did not have his seat belt on, he cracked his head on the windshield and then had the audacity to ask me to lie to his insurance and say that he actually had it on.

由於他沒有系安全帶，他的頭撞在了擋風玻璃上，然後還大言不慚地要求我向他的保險撒謊，說他其實有繫安全帶。

Hell to the no babe. I'm not lying on a legally binding piece of paper for you.

絕對不要，我不會在一張具有法律約束力的文件上為你撒謊的。

Come on, babe.

拜託啦，寶貝。

If they know I wasn't wearing a seat belt, they won't cover my car or medical bills.

如果保險公司知道我沒系繫安全帶，他們就不會負擔我修車或醫療的費用了。

Well, then I guess you should listen to my dad or me or when I told you to.

你早該聽我爸或我說的話的，我早就告訴過你了。

Babe.

寶貝。

- Well, I literally told you to. - Babe. - And that's when we got in the car accident and that's when my dad told you.

- 我早就跟你說了，然後我們就出車禍了。 - 寶貝。 - 而且我爸告訴過你了。

I actually think he might be psychic.

老實說，我覺得我爸會通靈。

Sometimes I have psychic tendencies too.

有時我也有點通靈體質。

- So maybe it runs in the family. - Not bad, babe.

- 大概是家族遺傳吧。- 不錯喔，寶。

And then there was the boyfriend who never engaged.

然後是那個從不參與話題的男友。

Uh huh. Yeah.

嗯哼，對。

Really nice to meet you.

很高興見到你。

I really love your daughter. She's great.

我真的很喜歡你的女兒，她很好。

And the boyfriend who was a narcissist.

還有那個自戀男友。

- Your daughter has great taste, Mr. Akana. - Mmm.

- 你的女兒很有品味，Akana 先生。- 嗯。

- Which by extension, I suppose means you do too. - Mmm. - You both chose a real winner. - Hmm. - A solid 10. - Hmm.

- 我想這代表您也很有品味。 - 恩。 - 你們都選擇了真正的贏家。 - 哼。- 一個滿分男人。 - 哼。

And on and on and on, and you know, new year but somehow same old main.

還有很多例子，時間到了新的一年，但不知為何還是老樣子。

So, this year for 2022 I am trying something different.

所以，今年，2022 年，我要做點不同的嘗試。

Instead of bringing people around and hoping that my father approves of them,

與其把男友帶到我爸面前，希望他認可他們。

I asked my dad to send me some dating tips.

我讓爸爸給我發了一些約會技巧。

After all, he can offer the valuable but very elusive male perspective.

畢竟，他可以提供珍貴但非常難以捉摸的男性視角。

I'm sure he's been waiting to do this his whole life.

我相信他一定期待做這件事一輩子了。

So, here are the five dating tips from my dear old dad.

以下是來自我親愛的老父親的五個約會技巧。

Dad dating tip number one, cyberstalk him on social media first.

老爸約會技巧一，肉搜他。

Found a social security number already.

已經找到他的社會保險號了。

Dad dating tip number two, find out if he has a good steady job through said cyberstalking.

老爸約會技巧二，透過肉搜瞭解他是否有一份穩定的好工作。

Hmm, he's a Baker.

嗯，他是個烘焙師。

Dad dating tip number three.

老爸約會技巧三。

If he was married before, find out why it ended, but not from him.

如果他結過婚，找出離婚的原因，但不是從他那裡問。

She cheated! All clear!

是前妻出軌！警報解除！

Dad dating tip number four, no sex on the first two or three days or one month, whichever is longer.

老爸約會技巧四，在頭兩三天或長一點，一個月內不上床。

If his interest wanes, dump him!

如果他失去興趣，甩了他！

Now, I think this is controversial and I did want to get more clarification on it, but I was not about to keep texting my dad about sexual intercourse,

我認為這點是有爭議的，我也確實想釐清，但我不打算繼續給我爸發關於性交的簡訊，

so we're just gonna take this tip at face value, and I'm not going to elaborate at all.

所以我們就看表面就好，我不打算深究。

Finally, Dad dating tip number five, he should be a gentleman who opens the door for you and lets you choose things to do as a couple.

最後，爸爸約會技巧五，他應該要是個為你開門，讓你選擇情侶之間的事的紳士。

After you, ma'am. Would you like to go get a medium rare steak with A1 sauce or hit the bowling alley.

你先請，女士，你想去吃五分熟牛排配 A1 醬汁還是去打保齡球。

- Why both? - Got it, mama.

- 何不兩個都做？ - 收到。

See what I did there.

看到我怎麼做了吧。

Now, my dad knows I'm bisexual, so I assume all of these are interchangeable with whatever gender.

我爸知道我是雙性戀，所以這些建議性別角色應該都是可以互換的。

And since I'm more masculine in my career but want to be more feminine in my relationships, I like these tips.

我在事業上比較男性化，但在人際關係上想更女性化，所以我很喜歡這些建議。

I mean, God knows what I've been doing my entire life has not been working.

天知道我一直都在做什麼，一點用都沒有。

So why not listen to my dad's advice.

所以為什麼不聽爸爸的建議呢。

What have I got to lose? 2022 baby.

我有什麼可失去的？2022 年！

But let me know if you're also gonna try out my dad's advice with me and if so godspeed and good luck to us all.

但如果你也要和我一起試我爸給的建議，跟我說一聲，祝大家都成功。

Ma'am. Are you an instagram, ma'am?

你是 Instagram 嗎，女士？

What? No.

什麼？不是。

Well, I like it.

我喜歡。

You are a nut.

你真的瘋瘋的。

Do you get what I did?

你有懂嗎？

You're a nut.

你真的瘋瘋的。

I like you.

我按了讚。