and naturally the conversation turned

談話自然而然地轉向

towards our dating lives when she said,

對我們的約會生活，她說。

- Oh, I never text first.

- 哦，我從不先發短信。

- Never?

- 從來沒有？

- Never.

- 從來沒有。

- What if you wanna see them?

- 如果你想看他們呢？

- Then they can see me.

- 然後他們可以看到我。

- What if they don't think you like them?

- 如果他們認為你不喜歡他們怎麼辦？

- Then they don't like me enough.

- 那麼他們就不夠喜歡我。

- What if they're trying to gauge

- 如果他們試圖衡量

how interested you actually are

你到底有多大的興趣

by backing off, and hoping you take initiative?

通過退縮，並希望你主動出擊？

- Then we never talk again.

- 然後我們再也不說話了。

- Now this kind of behavior, shouldn't be surprising

- 現在這種行為，不應該令人驚訝

given the vernacular and messages around dating

鑑於圍繞約會的白話和資訊

that are aimed at women,

針對婦女的。

particularly those women who date men.

特別是那些和男人約會的女人。

You know, we're told that initiating

你知道，我們被告知，啟動

may come off as needy, desperate, clingy

可能會被認為是需要的，絕望的，粘人的

and that any proactive participation on our part

而我們的任何積極主動的參與

will essentially extinguish the thrill of the chase.

將從根本上消除追逐的快感。

- Hey, like did you want to go out?

- 嘿，像你想出去嗎？

- I'd love to.

- 我很願意。

- (screams) What the hell?

- (尖叫聲)這到底是怎麼回事？

- I'm sorry. I responded way too soon.

- 我很抱歉。我回應得太早了。

I should have waited at least an hour.

我應該至少等上一個小時。

- (screams) Why do you keep doing that?

- (尖叫聲) 你為什麼一直這樣做？

- You know,

- 你知道的。

I really just was too insecure and honest in that moment.

我真的只是在那一刻太沒有安全感和誠實了。

I'm no longer mysterious.

我不再是神祕的。

- (screams)

- (尖叫聲)

No! No! My eyes!

不，不，我的眼睛。

- And who could forget that complete culture permeation

- 誰又能忘記，完全的文化滲透

of the 1995 classic self-help book, "The Rules",

1995年經典自助書籍《規則》的作者。

written by the two most qualified professionals

由兩位最有資格的專業人士撰寫

on the topic of love.

關於愛的話題。

An accountant, and a freelance journalist.

會計師，也是一名自由職業者。

Full of genuine wisdom like, don't ask men to dance,

充滿了真正的智慧，比如，不要請男人跳舞。

rarely return his calls and my personal favorite,

很少回他的電話，也是我個人的最愛。

be a creature, unlike any other.

是一種生物，與其他任何生物都不同。

- Hey girl, come here often.

- 嘿，女孩，經常來這裡。

Ca-caw! A suitor has approached!

卡-卡-卡!有求婚者來了!

I rate you a 3.5 on attractiveness.

我給你的吸引力打3.5分。

- That's hot.

- 這很熱。

Wait, out of 5 or 10?

等等，在5個還是10箇中？

- Ca-caw! Wouldn't you like to know?

- Ca-caw!你難道不想知道嗎？

- I love your eyes.

- 我喜歡你的眼睛。

- Ca-caw! You're so obsessed with me.

- 卡-卡-卡！你對我如此痴迷。

- Girl, you're mysterious. Can't even tell if you're human.

- 女孩，你很神祕。甚至無法判斷你是否是人類。

You're hot.

你很熱。

Ca-caw.

Ca-caw。

- Incredibly helpful advice. Right?

- 令人難以置信的有益建議。對嗎？

And I've been single for nearly four years, so like,

而且我已經單身近四年了，所以喜歡。

I dunno, maybe these heteronormative,

我不知道，也許這些異性戀者。

incredibly conservative, gender traditional advice

令人難以置信的保守，性別傳統的建議

things are all right. And I'm wrong.

事情都是對的。而我錯了。

After all my friend did say,

畢竟我的朋友確實說過。

- I do it because it helps weed out

- 我這樣做是因為它有助於剔除

who's really interested or not.

誰真正感興趣或不感興趣。

I'd like to be pursued,

我想被人追求。

and I don't want to get invested in someone

我不想對某人進行投資

who's just gonna ghost.

誰就會變成鬼。

- That makes total sense.

- 這完全有道理。

But I think I'm a more, you know,

但我認為我是一個更，你知道。

naturally assertive person.

天生自信的人。

Waiting around for someone I like

等待著我喜歡的人

to ask me out is not only going to drive me insane,

邀我出去，不僅會使我發瘋。

but I'll get like no work done

但我沒有完成任何工作

because of the anxiety of it all.

因為這一切的焦慮。

I'd rather just ask and then know, you know?

我寧願直接問，然後知道，你知道嗎？

- But what if you're ruining your chances?

- 但如果你破壞了你的機會呢？

- If someone's going to be turned off because I initiated,

- 如果有人會因為我的發起而被拒絕。

then it's not going to work out long-term anyway.

那麼無論如何，它都不會有長期的效果。

That's just a part of who I am.

這只是我身份的一部分。

- I get that.

- 我明白。

But I just feel like at the beginning of a relationship,

但我只是覺得在一段關係的開始。

you have to see who's gonna step up.

你必須看看誰會站出來。

- I don't know.

- 我不知道。

What if were at a point now societally,

如果我們現在處於社會上的一個點。

where they're just too afraid to ask?

他們只是不敢問？

- Then they don't care enough.

- 那麼他們就沒有足夠的關心。

- And that conversation with my friend,

- 還有和我朋友的那次談話。

I'm not going to lie,

我不打算撒謊。

it drove me pretty insane,

這讓我相當瘋狂。

and I couldn't stop thinking about it.

而且我無法停止思考這個問題。

So I decided to find scientific data,

所以我決定尋找科學數據。

and expert evidence to make my case.

和專家證據來說明我的情況。

Most of the research I found came from Jon Birger's book,

我發現的大部分研究來自於喬恩-伯傑的書。

"Make Your Move:

"做出你的行動。

The New Science of Dating and Why Women Are in Charge."

約會的新科學和為什麼女性在掌權"。

Birger argues that the dating landscape has changed.

伯傑認為，約會環境已經改變。

You know, we can't ignore how the #MeToo Movement,

你知道，我們不能忽視#MeToo運動如何。

and the rise of feminism,

和女權主義的崛起。

both wonderful things, have shifted the dating culture.

這兩件美妙的事情，已經改變了約會文化。

Men, to be sort of general here;

男人們，在這裡說的有點籠統。

are more and more afraid of asking women out,

越來越多的人害怕邀請女性出去。

in case they come across as creepy or inappropriate.

以防他們表現得令人毛骨悚然或不適當。

Yet women are still expecting them to take the lead.

然而，婦女仍然期望她們能發揮主導作用。

Society is changing, says Birger,

社會正在發生變化，伯傑說。

so it's time for dating to evolve along with it.

是以，現在是時候讓約會與它一起發展了。

Women are now leaders in the workplace,

婦女現在是工作場所的領導者。

trailblazers in city halls, and state houses and Congress.

市政廳、州政府和國會中的開拓者們。

So why are we still operating by outdated rules when it

那麼，為什麼我們還在按照過時的規則運作呢？

comes to love?

來愛？

We're a generation of bad-ass bold women,

我們這一代人都是壞蛋般的大膽女性。

and yet we're expected to sit back and wait,

而我們卻被期望坐著等待。

instead of go after what we want.

而不是去追求我們想要的東西。

"Make Your Move" is backed by research to show you that it's

"Make Your Move "有研究支持，告訴你它是

better to choose than be chosen.

選擇比被選擇更好。

The first move does not always have to be a big move,

第一招不一定是大招。

and that playing hard to get isn't just outdated,

而且，"欲擒故縱 "並不只是過時了。

but grounded in bad science.

但卻以糟糕的科學為基礎。

Music to my ears.

我的耳朵裡有音樂。

Plus Birger shows that doing the opposite pays off:

另外，伯傑表明，做相反的事情會有回報。

women willing to put themselves out there and initiate

願意把自己放在那裡並主動提出的婦女

relationships have more success than those who wait for

夥伴關係的人比那些等待的人有更多的成功

their someone to find them.

他們的人去找他們。

In fact, a 2005 study in the Journal of Sex Research,

事實上，2005年《性研究雜誌》的一項研究。

72% of men said they preferred women to make the first

72%的男性說他們更喜歡女性做第一件事。

move. And a 2017 survey by the dating app Match, found that

動。而約會應用程序Match在2017年的一項調查發現，

95% of men wanted women to initiate the first kiss,

95%的男性希望女性主動提出初吻。

and just as many wanted women to ask for their numbers.

也有同樣多的人希望女性詢問他們的號碼。

So we're getting more and more evidence all the time that

是以，我們一直在獲得越來越多的證據，表明

women making the first move has a plethora of benefits.

女性採取第一項行動有大量的好處。

OkCupid found that message threads initiated by women

OkCupid發現，由女性發起的資訊線程

were more likely to turn into longer conversations,

更有可能變成更長時間的談話。

and that women who sent the first message

和那個發出第一條資訊的婦女

would likely end up with more attractive partners.

很可能最終會有更有吸引力的夥伴。

According to a 2018 study

根據2018年的一項研究

in Personality and Individual Differences,

在人格與個體差異中。

"Women also have better sexual experiences

"女性也有更好的性體驗

when they make the first move."

當他們邁出第一步的時候。"

Snap.

啪啪啪。

- Excellent opener.

- 優秀的開場白。

- So no matter what your dating style is,

- 是以，無論你的約會風格是什麼。

I hope this video at least tells you that it's not wrong.

我希望這段視頻至少能告訴你，這並沒有錯。

I mean, if you prefer to sit back and be pursued,

我的意思是，如果你喜歡坐著被人追問。

more power to you.

更多的權力給你。

But I hope that decision is full of intention,

但我希望這個決定是充滿意圖的。

and discernment, rather than being motivated by fear.

和辨別力，而不是被恐懼所驅使。

Because being the initiator can be an equally powerful way

因為成為發起人可以是一個同樣強大的方式

to get what you want.

以獲得你想要的東西。

I'm Anna Akana,

我是安娜-阿卡納。

and thank you to the Patreons who supported today's video.

並感謝支持今天視頻的贊助人。

And thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring today's episode.

並感謝Squarespace贊助今天的節目。

Squarespace has an all-in-one platform to build a beautiful

Squarespace有一個多合一的平臺來建立一個美麗的

online presence, and run your business.

在線展示，並運行你的業務。

Complete with marketing tools and analytics,

完整的營銷工具和分析方法。

to have your website,

來擁有你的網站。

or online store be the best that it can be.

或網上商店是最好的，它可以是。

For all of you who love to create audio content,

對於所有喜歡創建音頻內容的人來說。

you can use Audioblocks,

你可以使用Audioblocks。

which allows you to embed audio on your site,

它允許你在你的網站上嵌入音頻。

and tag the audio for iTunes

併為iTunes標記音頻

when your audio block is placed into a blog.

當你的音頻塊被放置到博客中時。

Plus you can have multiple contributors,

另外，你可以有多個貢獻者。

receive selective access to your site's website manager.

接受有選擇地訪問你的網站的網站管理員。

And don't worry,

而且不要擔心。

you own all the content

你擁有所有的內容

that you put on the Daddy Squarespace platform.

你放在爸爸Squarespace平臺上的。

He offers one click data portability.

他提供一鍵式數據移植。

Head to squarespace.com for a free trial.

請到squarespace.com網站進行免費試用。

And whenever you're ready to launch,

而只要你準備好發射。

go to squarespace.com/anna

轉到squarespace.com/anna

to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

以節省您首次購買網站或域名的10%折扣。

Squarespace.

Squarespace。

Yeah.

是的。