You just signed on for a life time of love

簽下後半輩子的愛情、

Companionship, and 12-18 months of logistical hell

伴侶關係還有一年到一年半左右的地獄期。

Step 1: pick a location

第一步：找個好地點

Okay, this is easy. Barn. –Catholic church

好啊，簡單，去牛舍。天主教教堂。

Fuck

可惡！

Step 2: make a guest list

第二步：列出賓客清單

I have 86 cousins and they all have kids

我有86個堂兄弟姊妹而且他們全都有小孩了。

My mom says we have to invite all the couples they met on the cruise last year

我媽說我們一定要邀請去年旅行認識的所有情侶。

That means we get to invite 2 friends

那表示我們要邀請兩位朋友

It’s more than we thought

這比我們想像的還多啊！

Step 3: set a budget

第三步：設定預算

We want something simple and cheap

我們想要簡單便宜的就好

Then fuck that budget cause no matter what you do, it’s gonna be expensive

那幹嘛還要那預算啊！不管你怎麼安排，都一定會花一大筆錢啊！

You’re riding on a Shetland pony and then enjoy a 7 course meal in a crochet garden

你們可以騎昔德蘭小馬，還可以在針織花園中享用七道菜。

Super low key.

真是重要啊！

Chalkboards, the mason jars. We’ll get a food truck

黑板和刺耳聲。我們會有餐車料理。

I’ve got a shed out in the back with some Christmas lights in it

我會放一些裝飾燈在後面的庫房。

Wait, it’s for a fucking wedding

等一下，該死的婚禮才是這種價錢。

Step 4: grow dissolution with commercial wedding industry

第四步：慢慢解散商業化的婚禮相關行業

And resist the urge to elope

還要抵制潛逃

I’ve talked to the photographer. We could upgrade from the lovey- dovey package to the lovey- dovey platinum package

我連絡過攝影師了，我們可以從多情的一般包裹升級到多情的白金級包裹，

Or we could just say fuck it, drive to Vegas and end this

或是我們就說該死，然後自己開車去賭城拍照。

Too late. I already put a down payment on the DJ

為時已晚啦！我已經把頭期款給DJ了，

I’m gonna play the Black Eyed Peas, Whoo!

我要播黑眼豆豆的歌囉，呦呼！

Step 5: send out save the dates

第五步：早點發喜帖以爭取更多準備時間

Not to be confused with invitation, which are different for some reason

對於不同原因的邀請，不要感到困惑。

I don’t know. Sometimes save the dates are magnets

我也不知道，有時候就是想要先把時間保留下來。

Step 6: fight about things you don’t actually care about

第六步：爭執無所謂的小事

The cummerbunds have to be periwinkle

腰帶的花紋必須要是長春花！

Because the bow ties are periwinkle

因為我的領結也是長春花！

That’s gonna clash with the table runners

那和桌巾不配啊！

Step 7: register for gifts you don’t actually care about

第七步：記下不重要的禮物

Do we need a banana unpeeler?

我們需要「香蕉削皮機」嗎？

Step 8: find an officiant that will appease your super religious extended family

第八步：找個司儀牧師來滿足家族和無神論

And your super liberal atheist friends

朋友們虔誠的信仰

I’ll talk about how woman is servant to her husband

我會講解女人該怎麼服侍她的丈夫，

And I’ll also probably mention hell a few times

而且我也多少會提到地獄。

You’ll both drink from the earth chalice

你們要用地球酒杯喝酒，

Then I’ll do a dance in honor of Mother Gaia

然後我會跳祈蓋亞舞。

I will read the Lord’s prayer and also I’m gay

我會讀主的祈禱者心裡在想什麼，還有，我是同性戀。

Oh, thank god. You’re it. You’re it

喔，感謝主。你是啊，原來你是啊！

Step 9: send more fancy litter

第九步：送越多花俏的東西

Make sure to include litter they can litter back to you

要確保有放賓客可以回復的東西

Not that they will

不然他們就不會回覆了。

Hey, I was just wondering if you were coming because you haven’t RSVP yet

嘿，我想知道你會不會來，因為你還沒有回覆我！

And its 80 dollars per plate, Darren

Darren，你知道一個盤子要80塊錢嗎？

The only thing left to do is step 10

最後一件事就是第十步，

Have awkward conversations with friends you couldn’t invite

和你不想邀請的朋友聊些奇怪的對話

Yeah, I haven’t gotten my invitation yet

真的啊，我還沒收到我的邀請函耶！

No. No. No. –Really? Weird. Really? That’s…

不可能！真的嗎？真奇怪耶！你說真的？那真是…

Congratulations, you planned a wedding

恭喜你們，你們計畫了自己的婚禮，

Enjoy it. This is the one day when everyone in your life will come together

好好享受吧！就只有今天你所有認識的人會齊聚一堂，

And find something to be disappointed about

還要找出會令人失望的東西

A buffet? That is so tacky

又是自助餐？怎麼那麼無聊啊！

Cousin Sally’s wedding had a chocolate fountain

我表姊Sally的婚禮有巧克力噴泉，

And the cummerbunds clash with the table runners, ugh!

而且腰帶的花紋和桌巾花紋非常搭配啊！齁！

Oh my god! You’re at a free party and you’re going to complain?

我的天啊！你去一個免費的派對，你還要一直抱怨嗎？

You know, everyone should just elope. Just elope

你知道嗎？這樣每個人都會偷跑走的，偷跑走！

Hey guys, it’s Murph from College Humor

嘿，大家好，我是幽默大學的Murph，

Click here to subscribe, and here to watch more videos

點這裡就可以訂閱影片囉！還有這裡可以看更多影片，

And leave a comment. I’ll get you started

記得要留下回應唷！開始留言吧！

Uh, am I the only one who didn’t find this funny?

嗯，我是唯一一個不覺得這有趣的人嗎？