importance of rupture and repair in a lasting friendship,

斷裂和修復在持久友誼中的重要性。

and how to deal with a friend breakup.

以及如何處理朋友分手的問題。

But today, I wanna address that in-between stage,

但今天，我想談談這個中間階段。

where you're still kind of evaluating your friendship

你還在評估你的友誼的時候

and not exactly sure if what you're witnessing is

並不完全確定你所見證的是否是

a cause for concern.

一個令人擔憂的問題。

So, what are the signs that this friendship

那麼，有什麼跡象表明這種友誼

may ultimately not be good for you?

最終可能對你沒有好處？

What are the red flags that this is a path

哪些是表明這是一條道路的紅旗？

you do not wanna go down?

你不想下去嗎？

Well, welcome, red flag number one: (bell dings)

好吧，歡迎，紅旗一號：（鈴聲）。

they can't celebrate your success.

他們不能慶祝你的成功。

- How have you been?

- 你過得怎麼樣？

- Honestly, really good.

- 說實話，真的很好。

I just did this huge Netflix show, Jupiter's Legacy.

我剛剛做了這個巨大的Netflix節目，朱庇特的遺產。

- Fuck you.

- 去你的。

- What?

- 什麼？

- I said, good for you. Yay!

- 我說，對你有好處。耶!

So, how's your girlfriend?

那麼，你的女朋友怎麼樣了？

- Oh, well, actually, she's my fiance now.

- 哦，好吧，實際上，她現在是我的未婚夫。

She proposed, we're getting married.

她提議，我們要結婚了。

- Fuck you.

- 去你的。

- I'm sorry?

- 你說什麼？

- I said, good for you. Yay!

- 我說，對你有好處。耶!

- I'm pretty sure you said, "Fuck you."

- 我很確定你說 "去你媽的"。

- Oh, that's so weird.

- 哦，這太奇怪了。

Sounds like, you're really living the dream, huh?

聽起來，你真的活在夢中，是嗎？

- Yeah. Yeah, I guess I am.

- 是的。是的，我想我是。

- Cool!

- 酷!

- Look, we all get insecure, okay.

- 聽著，我們都有不安全感，好吧。

We all have tendencies to compare and despair.

我們都有比較和絕望的傾向。

It's an unavoidable part of being human.

這是作為人類不可避免的一部分。

But if more often than not, your friend can't celebrate

但如果更多時候，你的朋友不能慶祝

your success with you, this friendship is not gonna last

你的成功與你，這種友誼是不會持久的

unless your life is miserable.

除非你的生活是悲慘的。

Cause now you're dealing with a person who cannot experience

因為現在你面對的是一個無法體驗的人

anything in your life without filtering and comparing it

在你的生活中，任何事情都不需要進行過濾和比較。

to theirs.

對他們的。

Red flag number two: (bell dings)

第二面紅旗：（鈴聲叮噹）。

They can't hear your feelings or stand vulnerability.

他們無法聽到你的感受，也無法忍受脆弱。

This one's pretty self-explanatory.

這一點是不言自明的。

And look, not all friendships have to be like,

聽著，不是所有的友誼都必須是這樣的。

deep conversations and vulnerable moments.

深入的對話和脆弱的時刻。

We will have some friends where it's, you know,

我們會有一些朋友，那裡是，你知道的。

mostly joking around or talking about superficial things.

大部分時間都在開玩笑或談論膚淺的事情。

But if your friendship never has any moments of

但是，如果你的友誼從來沒有任何時刻的

vulnerability, that's not a friend, that's an acquaintance.

脆弱，那不是朋友，那是熟人。

Friendships enrich our lives, they improve our health,

友誼豐富了我們的生活，它們改善了我們的健康。

reduce our stress, and make us live longer.

減少我們的壓力，並使我們的壽命更長。

I'm not sure that last one is necessarily a perk,

我不確定最後一項是否一定是福利。

but you know what I mean.

但你知道我的意思。

We need friends who can nurture vulnerability

我們需要能夠培養脆弱的朋友

and be there for us in moments of crisis,

並在危機時刻陪伴著我們。

which are gonna happen, especially as we get older.

這是會發生的，特別是隨著我們年齡的增長。

We're gonna deal with some real ass shit.

我們要處理一些真正的狗屎。

Death, divorce, loss, depression.

死亡、離婚、失落、抑鬱。

Knowing who is gonna be there for you when it counts

知道誰會在關鍵時刻支持你

before something terrible happens, that's key.

在可怕的事情發生之前，這是關鍵。

And finally,

最後。

red flag number three: (bell dings)

三號紅旗：（鈴聲響起）。

There is a consistent major imbalance.

始終存在著重大的不平衡。

I was having a great conversation with my friend,

我和我的朋友正在進行一場精彩的對話。

Maggie Levin, specifically about the dynamics of

瑪吉-萊文，特別是關於以下方面的動態

unhealthy friendship and she made this very excellent

不健康的友誼，她做了這個非常出色的

twitter thread that I'm about to shout out.

嘰嘰喳喳的線程，我就要喊出來了。

"There's plenty of info out there about push-pull,

"外面有很多關於推拉的資訊。

anxious-avoidant, pursuer-withdrawer dynamics

焦慮-迴避，追求者-撤回者的動態關係

in romantic relationships.

在戀愛關係中。

Not much is said about it in friendships.

在朋友關係中，沒有多少人說過這一點。

I have personally spent WAY more time in pain, confusion,

我個人在痛苦、困惑中度過的時間更多。

and self-doubt, because of this stuff with friends.

和自我懷疑，因為和朋友的這種東西。

As the saying goes, "I don't know who needs to hear this,"

俗話說，"我不知道誰需要聽這個"。

but if you're in an unreciprocated, unequal, unrequited

但如果你處在一個不平等的、不公平的、不求回報的

friendship, that pain is real, you are not crazy.

友誼，這種痛苦是真實的，你並沒有瘋。

And you have the right to address it, or not, and/or leave.

而且你有權處理它，或不處理，和/或離開。

Likewise if there's an imbalance in the other direction--

同樣，如果在另一個方向上出現了不平衡 --

you are being "chased" or expectations of how much energy

你被人 "追殺"，或期望有多少能量

can be poured into the friendship are out of whack --

可以倒入的友誼是不正常的 --

this is a real thing, and it sucks.

這是一個真實的事情，而且很糟糕。

Any major imbalance of connection feels BAD.

任何重大的連接不平衡都會讓人感覺很不舒服。

I have been in both spaces.

我在這兩個空間都呆過。

I've also experienced friendships in great harmony (mostly, very recently).

我也經歷過非常和諧的友誼（大部分，最近）。

The main thing that I have learned is that

我學到的主要內容是

if being honest with someone about how you really feel

如果對某人誠實地說出你的真實感受

means that the friendship is likely to go away,

意味著這種友誼很可能會消失。

that's Not A Real One.

這不是一個真實的人。

If you have to present yourself as something other than

如果你必須把自己表現得像其他東西，而不是

your authentic self, if you often feel like you're being

你的真實自我，如果你經常覺得自己被

annoying to the other person, if your bids for connection

煩擾對方，如果你的出價是為了連接

get consistently rejected, I grant you permission to exit."

得到一貫的拒絕，我允許你退出。"

If you only ever hear from a friend

如果你只聽過一個朋友的話

when they want something...

當他們想要的東西...

- Hey baby girl, can I borrow some money?

- 嘿，寶貝女兒，我能借點錢嗎？

Hey baby, girl, can you write me a recommendation letter?

嘿，寶貝，女孩，你能給我寫一封推薦信嗎？

Hey baby girl, I saw that you follow Jason on Instagram

嘿，寶貝女兒，我看到你在Instagram上關注傑森了。

and I was wondering if you could put in a good word for me,

我在想，你是否可以為我說句好話。

I'll coordinate my thirst trap.

我將協調我的口渴陷阱。

- Imbalance. If you find yourself being

- 不平衡。如果你發現自己被

the sole reason the friendship continues...

唯一的原因是友誼繼續...

- I'm the one who is always asking us to hang out.

- 我是那個總是叫我們出去玩的人。

- I say, yes, don't I?

- 我說，是的，不是嗎？

- I know, but I would really appreciate it if you

- 我知道，但我真的很感激，如果你

could take some initiative because I don't know

可以採取一些主動，因為我不知道

it just kinda makes me feel weird.

它只是有點讓我感到奇怪。

- I'm busy so if you want to schedule a hang, then

- 我很忙，所以如果你想安排一次連線，那麼

you need to reach out, and if I remember,

你需要伸出援手，如果我記得。

I'll schedule something.

我將安排一些事情。

- Imbalance. And to clarify, look

- 不平衡。為了說明問題，請看

there are going to be times in your friendship

在你們的友誼中，會有一些時候

that imbalance will naturally happen.

這種不平衡會自然發生。

But the big red flag is when it's all the time

但最大的紅旗是當它是所有時間的時候

and you're making excuses for this person

而你卻在為這個人找藉口

or you even bring it up to them and then nothing changes.

或者你甚至向他們提出來，然後沒有任何改變。

You know, I think we talk about romantic relationship

你知道，我認為我們談論的是浪漫關係

dynamics in our culture and society all the time

在我們的文化和社會中一直存在的動態變化

and not as much about friendships and the

而沒有那麼多關於友情和

complicated nature of maintaining them,

維護它們的複雜性質。

and when to end them.

以及何時結束它們。

Personally, I think friend breakups are way worse

就個人而言，我認為朋友之間的分手更糟糕

than romantic breakups.

比浪漫的分手更重要。

But what do you think, are these red flags fair?

但你怎麼看，這些紅旗是否公平？

Are there some I missed?

是否有一些我錯過了？

And have you realized that there's a bunch

而你是否意識到，有一群

of friends who you're probably going to have to break

你可能必須要打破的朋友們的關係。

up with right now?

現在？

I'm Anna Akana and thank you to the Patreons who supported

我是安娜-阿卡納，感謝支持我的贊助人。

today's video and thank you as always to

今天的視頻，並一如既往地感謝

Mr. Daddy Squarespace for sponsoring today's episode.

爸爸Squarespace先生贊助了今天的節目。

If you don't know Daddy Squarespace right now,

如果你現在不知道爸爸Squarespace。

where the hell have you been?

你到底去哪兒了？

Daddy Squarespace is an all-in-one platform to

爸爸Squarespace是一個多合一的平臺，以

build a beautiful online presence and run your business,

建立一個美麗的在線存在，並運行你的業務。

complete with marketing tools and analytics

具備營銷工具和分析能力

so that your website or online store, she can shine.

這樣，你的網站或網上商店，她就可以大放異彩。

For all of you who love to create audio content,

對於所有喜歡創建音頻內容的人來說。

let's face it, you all have a podcast,

讓我們面對現實吧，你們都有一個播客。

you can use audio blocks, which allows you to embed audio

你可以使用音頻塊，它允許你嵌入音頻

on your site and tag the audio for iTunes when

在你的網站上為iTunes標記音頻，當

your audio block is placed in a blog.

你的音頻塊被放置在一個博客中。

Plus you can have multiple contributors receive

另外，你可以讓多個貢獻者收到

selective access to your site's website manager.

有選擇地訪問你的網站的網站管理員。

And don't worry, you own all the content that you put

不要擔心，你擁有你所投放的所有內容。

on Daddy Squarespace's platform.

在爸爸Squarespace的平臺上。

He offers one click data portability.

他提供一鍵式數據移植。

Head to squarespace.com for a free trial.

請到squarespace.com網站進行免費試用。

And whenever you're ready to launch

而每當你準備推出

go to squarespace.com/Anna to save 10%

前往squarespace.com/Anna，可節省10%。

off your first purchase of a website or domain. Squarespace.

首次購買網站或域名可獲優惠。Squarespace。