Sure. Yeah.

當然，是的。

Get ready to say everything we ever said

準備好說我們曾經說過的一切

at the monologue meetings.

在獨白會議上。

Cancel time.

取消時間。

"Behind the Nonsense," take two.

"胡說八道的背後"，第二次。

(funky music)

(時髦的音樂)

Yesterday was daylight savings time

昨天是日光節約時間

when... (audience cheering)

當......(觀眾歡呼)

Yeah.

是的。

Daylight savings time when we lose an hour

夏令時，我們會失去一個小時

for no apparent reason.

沒有明顯的原因。

(audience laughing) Yeah.

(觀眾笑) 是的。

By the way, losing an hour for no apparent reason

順便說一句，無緣無故損失一個小時

is also the motto for this show.

也是這個節目的座右銘。

(audience laughing) We've always...

(觀眾笑) 我們一直...

(audience cheering) That is...

(觀眾歡呼) 那是...

Hey, Conan O'Brien here, Andy Richter

嘿，我是柯南-奧布萊恩，安迪-裡奇特

for another edition of "Behind the Nonsense"

為另一期的 "胡言亂語的背後 "而來

where we look behind the scenes.

我們在這裡看幕後。

Today, we're gonna focus a little bit

今天，我們將關注一點

on the monologue process.

在獨白過程中。

Specifically, the meetings that we would have

具體而言，我們將舉行的會議

just before the show would tape,

就在節目錄制前。

figure out which jokes to do,

想出要做哪些笑話。

and often it was a very chaotic

而且往往是非常混亂的

and hilarious mess, that meeting.

那次會議的情況很混亂，很搞笑。

Joining me, Laurie Kilmartin, hilarious comedy writer,

和我一起的還有勞裡-基爾馬廷，搞笑的喜劇作家。

Brian Kiley, occasionally, no, always hilarious.

布萊恩-凱利，偶爾，不，總是很搞笑。

You know, you're no Kilmartin, but you're good.

你知道，你不是基爾馬廷，但你很不錯。

I don't know what to say,

我不知道該說些什麼。

but we get into this very small room

但我們進入了這個非常小的房間

and this went on for years and years and years.

這種情況持續了多年，多年，多年。

And it's your dressing room.

而且這是你的更衣室。

My dressing room.

我的更衣室。

So it's your space. It's my space.

所以這是你的空間。這是我的空間。

We're getting ready.

我們正在準備。

The audience is just on the other side of the wall

觀眾就在牆的另一邊

sometimes loading in, sometimes the band is playing,

有時在加載，有時樂隊在演奏。

we're getting very close to showtime

我們已經非常接近演出時間了

and time is of the essence

而時間是最重要的

and we're looking through a big stack of jokes

而我們正在翻閱一大堆的笑話

and then absolute inappropriate foolishness would erupt.

然後絕對不合適的愚蠢行為就會爆發出來。

Well, you describe it,

嗯，你描述一下。

Laurie. Yes.

勞裡。是的。

I think, it's so interesting that to get to the place

我認為，這是很有趣的，為了到達這個地方

where you can tell these really clean jokes on television,

在那裡你可以在電視上講這些非常乾淨的笑話。

you have to go to a place

你必須要去一個地方

where you're just saying unrepeatable things

在那裡你只是在說不可重複的事情

in the green room, just to get yourself there.

在綠色房間裡，只是為了讓自己在那裡。

You've just identified what it is.

你剛才已經確定了它是什麼。

Laurie and Brian

勞裡和布萊恩

are both very good, excellent standup comedians.

他們都是非常好的、優秀的單口相聲演員。

You guys understand something about this performing process.

你們對這個表演過程有所瞭解。

I'm pretty stressed out.

我很有壓力。

I have a ten-year-old son and already at age 10,

我有一個10歲的兒子，已經10歲了。

we've had multiple discussions on masturbation etiquette.

我們已經就手淫的禮儀進行了多次討論。

(audience laughing) At 10 years old.

(觀眾笑) 在10歲的時候。

I was like, "Please do not knock on mom's door

我當時說："請不要敲媽媽的門。

when she's masturbating. (audience cheering)

當她自慰的時候。(觀眾歡呼)

There is something about needing to stretch it

有一些關於需要拉伸的東西

all the way out here to then pull it back to here.

一路走到這裡，然後把它拉回這裡。

So the jokes would be, you know,

是以，笑話會是，你知道。

jokes that you can tell on television

可以在電視上講的笑話

about the president or a celebrity

關於總統或名人

or what happened in the news today.

或今天的新聞發生了什麼。

You would push me, I would push you,

你會推我，我也會推你。

we would stretch it way out and be doing entire riffs that-

我們會把它拉得很長，並做整個肋骨，...

Talk about canceled. (Laurie laughing)

談到取消了。(勞裡笑)

The whole point was that you were going to be really clean

整個要點是，你將會非常乾淨

in about five minutes.

在大約5分鐘內。

And that's what was so hilarious.

這就是如此搞笑的地方。

But it's also too, I always look at it as like,

但這也是，我總是把它看成是。

we ran an opium den for tourists

我們為遊客開設了一個鴉片館

and we could only get off on the really hard stuff.

而我們只能在真正的硬物上脫身。

Go ahead and have this weak sauce, but for us,

來吧，吃這個微弱的醬，但對我們來說。

(imitates squirting)

(模仿噴水)

I gotta put poison right in my veins before I feel anything.

我得在我的血管裡直接放毒，然後才會有感覺。

I remember one of the first meetings out here,

我記得這裡的第一次會議之一。

Andy was late and you guys got in a fake yelling argument

安迪遲到了，你們就假惺惺地大吵大鬧了起來

of, "Where were you?"

的，"你在哪裡？"

"I was around the corner."

"我就在拐角處。"

"Around the corner fudge is made."

"在拐角處，軟糖被製造出來。"

And it became this whole thing

然後它就變成了這整個事情

about what was that rhyme and we had to Google.

關於這首韻律是什麼，我們不得不去谷歌。

But 20 minutes of this- We had to Google it.

但20分鐘後，我們不得不在谷歌上搜索這個問題。

And then it's like two minutes to do the jokes

然後就像兩分鐘的時間來做笑料

because we were discussing

因為我們正在討論

"Milk, Milk, Lemonade" And again, you know,

"牛奶，牛奶，檸檬水"，再一次，你知道。

band playing, every second is precious,

樂隊演奏，每一秒都很珍貴。

we're supposed to get out there and do this show,

我們應該走出去，做這個節目。

but we would get started-

但我們會開始...

On "Milk, Milk, Lemonade." Yeah, milk, milk, lemonade,

關於 "牛奶，牛奶，檸檬水"。是的，牛奶，牛奶，檸檬水。

around the corner.

在拐角處。

And Brian, you go back

而布萊恩，你回去

to '93 or early '94? Early '94, yeah.

到93年或94年初？94年初，是的。

Okay, so you're really pretty much a lifer.

好吧，所以你真的很有可能是個終生的人。

You came on the show and you didn't really know

你來參加這個節目，你並不真正瞭解

what to expect.

期待什麼。

And you thought, "Well, Conan's probably this erudite."

你想，"嗯，柯南可能是這樣的博學者"。

Like, all you knew is that, "Oh, he went to a good college."

比如，你所知道的是，"哦，他上了一所好大學"。

Absolutely.

絕對的。

It's like, "Oh, he's this Harvard whatever."

這就像，"哦，他是這個哈佛的什麼人"。

And then it was like, "Oh my God.

然後就像，"哦，我的上帝。

This is total insanity." But then we had a meeting

這完全是精神錯亂。"但後來我們開了個會

where we were talking about jokes

我們正在談論笑話的地方

and I said one thing but then I pretended...

我說了一件事，但後來我假裝...

You had a candle there for some reason,

你那裡有一支蠟燭，不知道為什麼。

and you lit the candle, and then you had a bottle of scotch

你點燃了蠟燭，然後你喝了一瓶蘇格蘭威士忌。

and you pretended to knock the candle over in the scotch

你假裝把蠟燭打翻在蘇格蘭威士忌裡

and then you pretended to catch on fire.

然後你假裝著火了。

And then you're going out the window and somehow,

然後你就會從窗口出去，不知不覺中。

the curtain wrapped around your neck.

簾子纏著你的脖子。

It was like this long- And then I hung myself

就像這樣長--然後我上吊自殺了

as I burned and I acted it all out.

當我燃燒的時候，我把它全部演了出來。

And Brian's sitting there,

而布萊恩就坐在那裡。

this has nothing to do with the show.

這與該節目無關。

And then you got a very different idea of-

然後你就有了一個非常不同的想法------。

It was like my first day and I'm like, "Okay,

這就像我的第一天，我想，"好吧。

this is not what I was expecting.

這不是我所期望的。

This is not gonna be Dick Cavett.

這不會是迪克-卡維特。

(Laurie and Andy laughing)

(勞裡和安迪笑)

And I remember also, one of my first days,

我還記得，我最初的一個日子。

we were trying to decide between this joke or that joke.

我們正試圖在這個笑話或那個笑話之間做出決定。

And you stopped somebody in the hallway said,

而你在走廊上攔住某人說。

"What do you think of this joke on a scale of one to 10,

"你對這個笑話的看法是什麼，從1到10的程度。

10 being the funniest, two not being funny,

10個是最有趣的，兩個是不有趣的。

three being funny again," and then you just went

你又開始搞笑了，"然後你就去了

all the way through it. I made it super complicated.

一路走來。我把它弄得超級複雜。

It was an intern.

那是一個實習生。

The intern was like, "Wait, what's four?"

實習生說，"等等，什麼是四？"

"No! There is no four!

"不！沒有四！"。

There's three and then five!

有三個，然後是五個!

Five is great but four is off limits and three is no good."

五是偉大的，但四是禁區，三是不好的。"

And what I love too, is that at the beginning of that,

而我也喜歡的是，在這一開始。

you really wanted an answer, but then you discovered like,

你真的想要一個答案，但後來你發現像。

"Oh no, there's this other thing that I want much more,"

"哦，不，還有一件事，我更想要。"

which is to fuck with this kid.

這就是和這個孩子幹上了。

I want to really have a good time.

我希望真的能有一個好的時間。

Your laugh is so fantastic and-

你的笑聲是如此的美妙和------。

Fantastic. Yeah.

太棒了。是的。

The Kilmartin cackle, we'd call it.

我們稱之為 "基爾馬廷的笑聲"。

But we would be inappropriate

但我們會不適當地

and then you would like push us much farther sometimes.

然後你有時會想把我們推得更遠。

I remember that very clearly. Yes, for sure.

我記得非常清楚。是的，肯定的。

We were always grateful when, someone was saying earlier,

我們總是很感激，當，剛才有人在說。

Gavin Polone would stop in,

加文-波隆會停下來。

because he also had a great laugh,

因為他也有很好的笑聲。

such as we knew the mono wasn't like our best effort.

如我們知道單聲道不像是我們最好的努力。

And it's like, "Please, God, let Gavin be there today

這就像，"求求你，上帝，讓加文今天在那裡。

and save some of the jokes." Gavin's my manager

並保存一些笑話。"加文是我的經理

and he would come by always wearing a track suit,

他總是穿著運動服過來。

a full track suit, head to toe.

從頭到腳的全套運動服。

Matching, yeah. Matching track suit,

匹配的，是的。匹配的運動服。

but he's got a really good sense of humor and he'd sit there

但他真的很有幽默感，他坐在那裡

and he would laugh really hard

而且他還會笑得很厲害

and the rest of us get so jaded,

而我們其他人則變得如此厭倦。

like there's not a lot of laughter in that room.

就像那個房間裡沒有很多笑聲一樣。

And then Gavin would come in

然後Gavin會進來

and then he would usually try and think

然後，他通常會試著思考

of some money-making scheme.

的一些賺錢的計劃。

He would say, you know, "You can take that joke

他說，你知道，"你可以把這個笑話

and you can try and make it a sitcom

你可以嘗試把它變成一個情景喜劇

and then I could produce it."

然後我就可以製作它。"

And we're like, "Shut up!"

我們就說，"閉嘴！"

After a while working on our show like this,

像這樣為我們的節目工作了一段時間後。

there is a lot of like,

有很多人喜歡。

"Oh yeah, that's really funny," you know?

"哦，是的，這真的很有趣，"你知道嗎？

You don't laugh at things, but you're like,

你不會對事情發笑，但你會喜歡。

"Oh yeah, yeah. That's really funny."

"哦，是的，是的。這真的很有趣。"

Gavin and Sona often save jokes.

加文和索納經常保存笑話。

Well, Sona, my assistant, God love her,

嗯，索納，我的助手，上帝愛她。

she was a good laugher but she really liked jokes

她是一個很好的笑者，但她真的喜歡開玩笑

that had weed in them.

其中有雜草。

Dick jokes.

迪克開玩笑說。

Dick jokes. Yeah, she liked dick jokes.

雞巴笑話。是的，她喜歡雞巴笑話。

And she'd be like, "Ha!"

她就會說，"哈！"

And I'd be like, "No, I'm not gonna..."

我就會說，"不，我不會......"

And you guys would say like, "See,

而你們會說，"看。

it's worth doing it. (all laughing)

這是值得做的。(所有人都笑了)

See, the guy had too much weed and then his dick got big."

你看，這傢伙吸了太多的大麻，然後他的雞巴就大了。"

I'm like, "That's not a joke."

我想，"這不是一個玩笑"。

And she'd be like, "Ha, ha, ha! Weed and dick!"

她就會說，"哈，哈，哈！大麻和雞巴！雜草和雞巴！"

And then of course, my manager would be like,

然後當然，我的經理會說。

"You know, actually what we could do

"你知道，其實我們可以做的是

is you can market something- (Laurie laughing)

是你可以推銷的東西--（勞裡笑）。

We could market something

我們可以推銷一些東西

that makes your penis larger using marijuana."

這使你的陰莖在使用大麻時變得更大。"

Our jokes could never compete with the riffs.

我們的笑話永遠都無法與這些曲子競爭。

That was a problem. In the room,

這是個問題。在房間裡。

the foolishness in the room You'd do blue Kiley

在房間裡的愚蠢行為 你會做藍色的凱利

or something and kill, and then we'd go to the jokes

或什麼的，然後殺人，然後我們會去看笑話

and I was like... I would spend 20 minutes

而我就像...我將花20分鐘

doing an impression of Brian Kiley.

模仿布萊恩-凱利。

We always called my grandfather Poppy

我們總是稱我的祖父為Poppy

'cause of his opium addiction.

因為他吸食鴉片成癮。

(audience laughing)

(觀眾笑)

I can impersonate Brian Kiley

我可以冒充布萊恩-凱利

doing his jokes in his mannerisms and it's very...

在他的舉止中做他的笑話，這非常...

I would do this routine where it's Kiley in a club

我想做的是凱利在俱樂部裡的這套動作。

going incredibly blue, filthy blue,

變得難以置信的藍色，骯髒的藍色。

I can't even say it right here,

我甚至不能在這裡說它。

but just imagine- The dirtiest thing

但試想一下，最骯髒的東西

you've ever heard. The dirtiest thing

你曾經聽說過的。最骯髒的事情

that Red Fox ever said times 10

紅狐狸曾經說過的那句話的10倍

and it's Kiley doing that and killing

而這是凱利在做的，並殺死了

and then riding home in his tiny, little, conservative car

然後坐著他那輛又小又保守的小車回家

and then reading a Truman biography in his bed

然後在床上閱讀杜魯門的傳記

and then getting called to go back to the club.

然後被叫回俱樂部。

"So I'm, uh, I'm with my old lady and I told her

"所以我，呃，我和我的老太太在一起，我告訴她

'You've gotta, you've gotta wash that ass.

'你得，你得把那屁股洗乾淨。

(all laughing) You gotta wash the ass.

(眾人笑)你得洗屁股。

If I'm going to go down there and, uh, you know,

如果我打算去那裡，呃，你知道的。

service you in that area,

在該領域為您提供服務。

you need to clean that fucking ass, you see.'"

你需要清洗那該死的屁股，你看'"。

I dunno why, that stuff would just...

我不知道為什麼，那東西只是...

We would do it, we'd be crying, and then I was like,

我們會這樣做，我們會哭，然後我就想。

"All right, let's go do this TV show."

"好了，我們去做這個電視節目吧。"

There's a new trend where people watch television

有一種新的趨勢，人們看電視時

that they despise and it's called hate watching.

他們看不起的人，這就叫仇恨觀察。

(audience laughing) Hate watching. Yeah.

(觀眾笑) 討厭看。是的。

Speaking of hate watching,

說到討厭看。

hi mom. (audience laughing)

嗨，媽媽。（觀眾笑）。

(funky music)

(時髦的音樂)

All right.

好的。

Well, you get an idea of what we were talking about.

好吧，你就知道我們在說什麼了。

I never want to see either of you again.

我再也不想看到你們中的任何一個人了。

(Laurie and Brian laugh)

(Laurie和Brian笑)