字幕列表 影片播放
-
Madison Square Garden.
麥迪遜廣場花園。
-
I mean, things have just gone so well for you.
我的意思是,事情對你來說太順利了。
-
It's exciting.
這很令人興奮。
-
Yeah.
是的。
-
These tours you're doing are so popular.
你所做的這些旅遊是如此受歡迎。
-
The latest one, the tour is called 50.
最近的一次,巡演叫做50。
-
Yes, sir.
是的,先生。
-
You, you are a 50.
你,你是一個50歲的人。
-
Are you, you feeling different right now? Is it...
你,你現在感覺不同嗎?這是不是...
-
Yeah, no.
是的,沒有。
-
Is 50 a weird time for you?
50歲對你來說是一個奇怪的時期嗎?
-
No. I turned 50 and I just decided
不,我已經50歲了,我只是決定
-
to call the tour that. I'm kind of going the opposite
稱為旅遊。我有點反其道而行之
-
of all the people who do like the Botox and the hair plugs
所有喜歡打肉毒桿菌和插發的人中
-
and try to look 22 for the rest of their life.
並試圖在他們的餘生中看起來22歲。
-
Right.
對。
-
You know, when they really just, you know, they,
你知道,當他們真的只是,你知道,他們。
-
they don't look good.
他們看起來並不好。
-
Yeah.
是的。
-
You know.
你知道的。
-
You're saying why, don't fake it, just embrace it.
你說的是為什麼,不要偽造它,只要擁抱它。
-
They make your eyes water when you look at them,
當你看著它們時,它們會讓你的眼睛流淚。
-
and my wife's always watching,
而我的妻子總是在看。
-
like those Real Housewives and stuff
像那些真正的家庭主婦之類的
-
and they just look exhausted.
而他們只是看起來很疲憊。
-
They're like in their, you know what it
他們就像在他們的,你知道它是什麼。
-
always reminds me of,
總是讓我想起。
-
remember when Brett Favre played on the Vikings?
還記得Brett Favre在維京人隊打球的時候嗎?
-
Yeah.
是的。
-
(Conan laughing)
(柯南笑)
-
And it was just like, just retire, dude.
它就像,只是退休,夥計。
-
You're in the hall of fame.
你已經進入了名人堂。
-
Yeah, yeah.
是的,是的。
-
It's over.
結束了。
-
And those women it's like, yeah, you had your time.
而那些女人,就像,是的,你有你的時間。
-
You were beautiful. And it's over.
你很美。而這一切都結束了。
-
(audience laughs and boos)
(觀眾笑聲和噓聲)
-
People groan. You don't remember when you were a kid,
人們呻吟著。你不記得你還是個孩子的時候了。
-
you went to the club
你去了俱樂部
-
and there was that older person hanging out, that creep.
還有那個在外面閒逛的老人,那個討厭鬼。
-
(audience laughing)
(觀眾笑)
-
Yeah. That's what you're doing.
是的。這就是你在做的事情。
-
That's what you're doing.
這就是你在做的事情。
-
50 is not the new 40, it's 50. I am 50.
50歲不是新的40歲,而是50歲。我是50歲。
-
(Conan laughing)
(柯南笑)
-
All right.
好的。
-
I have to go see doctors.
我必須去看醫生。
-
Yeah.
是的。
-
(audience cheering)
(觀眾歡呼)
-
I have to have blood taken.
我必須要抽血。
-
So I feel, I feel young physically, but mentally,
所以我覺得,我覺得身體上很年輕,但心理上也很年輕。
-
like when I watch TV, it makes me feel old.
像我看電視的時候,它讓我覺得自己老了。
-
What makes you feel old about watching TV?
是什麼讓你在看電視時感覺自己老了?
-
This well, music.
這個嘛,音樂。
-
There's no guitar solos anymore.
現在已經沒有吉他獨奏了。
-
And then for some reason,
然後出於某種原因。
-
with all this technology, millennials,
與所有這些技術,千禧一代。
-
if you take a full water bottle
如果你拿著一個滿滿的水瓶
-
and you flip it in the air and it lands upright,
你在空中翻轉它,它就會直立著落地。
-
they run out of the room like they just saw a witch.
他們跑出房間,就像他們剛剛看到一個女巫。
-
(Conan and audience laughing)
(柯南和觀眾的笑聲)
-
Everybody's like, ah, they just take off.
每個人都喜歡,啊,他們就這樣起飛了。
-
It's like, really?
這就像,真的嗎?
-
You have virtual reality glasses on,
你戴著虛擬現實眼鏡。
-
you're playing all these video games,
你在玩所有這些視頻遊戲。
-
and all somebody has to do.
和所有有人要做的事。
-
I mean, that's like a game like Tom Sawyer
我的意思是,這就像《湯姆-索亞》那樣的遊戲
-
would have played.
會發揮。
-
(Conan and audience laughing)
(柯南和觀眾的笑聲)
-
So it's stuff like that.
所以是這樣的東西。
-
Uh-huh.
嗯,嗯。
-
That I'm just like, I'm not, I'm not ridiculing it.
那我就像,我不是,我不是在嘲笑它。
-
It's just like, wow, I can't relate to this.
這就像,哇,我不能與此相關。
-
You can't relate to it.
你不能與之發生聯繫。
-
Yeah.
是的。
-
You know, your show F is for family.
你知道,你的節目F是指家庭。
-
I relate to it because it's about parenting
我和它有關係,因為它是關於養育子女的。
-
in the seventies and that's, you know,
在七十年代,這就是,你知道。
-
that was when I was parented, like you.
那是我被父母教育的時候,像你一樣。
-
What do you think of parents now?
你現在對父母有什麼看法?
-
How do you compare them to parents in the seventies?
你如何將他們與七十年代的父母相比?
-
Oh. It's just completely, the kids have so much power.
哦。這只是完全,孩子們有這麼多的權力。
-
It's like ridiculous. Like half of these kids,
這簡直是荒唐。像這些孩子中的一半。
-
I'm like, I look and I just have what happened to me.
我喜歡,我看,我只是有發生在我身上的事情。
-
And I'm like looking at a kid and be like,
我就像看著一個孩子,然後就像。
-
this kid's about ready to get punted
這孩子已經準備好被罰了
-
across the grocery store.
在雜貨店對面。
-
(audience laughing)
(觀眾笑)
-
And it just never happens.
而它只是從未發生過。
-
(audience laughing)
(觀眾笑)
-
Right.
對。
-
They just, they just don't get hit.
他們只是,他們只是沒有被擊中。
-
And I think it's hurting this country.
我認為這對這個國家造成了傷害。
-
You're mad, wait a minute,
你生氣了,等一下。
-
(Bill chuckles)
(比爾笑著說)
-
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
等一下,等一下。
-
No, like...
不,像...
-
(audience laughing)
(觀眾笑)
-
You're mad that children are, are not being hit.
你很生氣,因為孩子們,沒有被打。
-
There should be the threat of it.
應該有這樣的威脅。
-
Half of it was just that, look,
有一半是這樣的,看。
-
it was just, your dad was acting like he was gonna do it.
只是,你爸爸表現得好像他要去做這件事。
-
He never did it, but your mother did, and because,
他從未做過,但你母親做過,而且是因為。
-
(audience laughing)
(觀眾笑)
-
because she was a woman. It was like, okay.
因為她是一個女人。這就像,好吧。
-
'Cause he's like, hey, you let a girl beat you up.
因為他說,嘿,你讓一個女孩打了你。
-
You kind of felt emasculated.
你有點覺得自己被閹割了。
-
Yeah.
是的。
-
(audience laughing)
(觀眾笑)
-
We had a rule at like, I actually,
我們有一個規則,在像,我實際上。
-
a lot of the stuff that I look at
我看的很多東西都是
-
from when I was a kid that actually kind of made sense
當我還是個孩子的時候,這實際上是一種有意義的。
-
in a way is now it would now be considered like abuse,
在某種程度上,現在它將被視為像虐待。
-
I guess. Like when I was a kid,
我猜。就像我還是個孩子的時候。
-
if you didn't finish your supper, as we called it...
如果你沒有吃完你的晚餐,我們稱之為...
-
Supper.
晚飯。
-
Yeah. My mother was just like,
是的。我母親就像。
-
well, you're going to finish.
嗯,你要完成。
-
She would just wrap it in cellophane.
她只是用玻璃紙把它包起來。
-
And you just picked up where you left off for breakfast,
而你剛剛接上了你離開的早餐。
-
like, like a blue collar job.
像,像一個藍領工作。
-
Like you take the shovel out of the hole
就像你把鏟子從洞裡拿出來一樣
-
and just start digging it again.
並剛剛開始再次挖掘它。
-
So yeah. I remember one night we had cube steaks,
所以是的。我記得有一天晚上我們吃了立方體牛排。
-
which is like one of the toughest pieces of meat.
這就像最堅硬的肉塊之一。
-
I don't know if you guys,
我不知道你們是否
-
Everything's so like Asian infused, Wagyu beef.
一切都那麼像亞洲注入的和牛。
-
Everybody's eating that crap now.
現在每個人都在吃這種垃圾。
-
But cube steak was like,
但立方體牛排就像。
-
they had literally had to hit it
他們簡直是不得不打
-
with a hammer to make it like edible.
用錘子敲打,使其像可食用。
-
And so we having cube steaks.
是以,我們有了立方體牛排。
-
And I forget, my little brother was still
而我忘了,我的小弟弟還在
-
in a high chair and he couldn't finish his.
在一個高腳椅上,他無法完成他的。
-
So my mother goes,
所以我母親去了。
-
"All right, well you're just going
"好吧,那你就去吧
-
to have eat it for breakfast."
要把它當作早餐來吃。"
-
And that was like eight hours away,
而那就像八個小時的路程。
-
which was like half his life.
這就像他的半生。
-
(Conan and audience laughing)
(柯南和觀眾的笑聲)
-
So he was like, "All right. I'll take that deal."
所以他就說,"好吧。我將接受這筆交易。"
-
So, the next morning, I remember we were having waffles.
所以,第二天早上,我記得我們正在吃華夫餅。
-
My mother always made Sunday breakfast.
我母親總是做週日的早餐。
-
So we had all these waffles, eggs, bacon, this whole layout.
所以我們有所有這些華夫餅、雞蛋、培根,這整個佈局。
-
My brother was looking at half eaten, cube steaks,
我哥哥看著吃了一半的立方體牛排。
-
and a little mound of green bean casserole.
和一小堆綠豆砂鍋。
-
And he goes, so he looked at my mom.
他就去了,所以他看了看我媽媽。
-
He goes, "Mom, can I have a waffle?"
他說:"媽媽,我可以吃個華夫餅嗎?"
-
And she goes, "No, you got to finish your supper."
她說:"不,你得吃完你的晚餐。"
-
And he's like, "Well, after I finished my WAF, a supper,
他就說:"好吧,在我完成了我的WAF之後,一個晚餐。
-
then can I have a waffle?"
那麼我可以吃個華夫餅嗎?"
-
She goes, "No, that is your breakfast."
她說:"不,那是你的早餐。"
-
And he goes, "Oh mom, I hate you."
他說:"哦,媽媽,我恨你。"
-
And my dad without looking up,
而我的父親沒有抬頭。
-
took a full glass of milk and threw it in his face.
拿出一整杯牛奶,扔在他臉上。
-
(Conan and audience laughing)
(柯南和觀眾的笑聲)
-
Swear to God.
向上帝發誓。
-
This is what kills me. We're killing...
這就是讓我感到痛苦的地方。我們正在殺害...
-
You want everyone today
你想讓今天的所有人
-
to have as miserable childhood as you had.
擁有像你一樣悲慘的童年。
-
(audience laughs)
(觀眾笑)
-
No, but it was kind of funny.
沒有,但這有點好笑。
-
I just, you know what was hilarious,
我只是,你知道什麼是搞笑的。
-
was that my mother just popped up
是我的母親突然出現了
-
and just immediately started cleaning up.
並立即開始清理。
-
And my dad just kept eating.
而我爸爸只是一直在吃。
-
(Conan and audience laughing)
(柯南和觀眾的笑聲)
-
Like he didn't, like the roles were defined back then.
就像他沒有,就像那時的角色被定義了。
-
Now, the guy has to throw the milk.
現在,這個人必須扔掉牛奶。
-
He has to clean it up,
他必須把它清理乾淨。
-
while telling his wife she's brave
同時告訴他的妻子她很勇敢
-
for just sitting there,
因為只是坐在那裡。
-
(audience laughs and boos)
(觀眾笑聲和噓聲)
-
like whatever it is,
不管它是什麼,都喜歡。
-
You hear it?
你聽到了嗎?
-
Oh, oh,
噢,噢。
-
(audience laughing)
(觀眾笑)
-
Women are so overrated. Right.
女人是如此被高估。對。
-
We went from...
我們從...
-
Wait, wait, what? Wait, wait, what?
等等,等等,什麼?等待,等待,什麼?
-
What? Wait. Wait. What?
什麼?等等。等等。什麼?
-
We went from not listening to them. To now, it's just,
我們從不聽他們的話。到現在,只是。
-
it's just, you know, it's just, it's ridiculous.
這只是,你知道,這只是,這是很荒謬的。
-
Like that, believe women, it's like all of them?
像這樣,相信女人,就像所有的人?
-
(audience laughing)
(觀眾笑)
-
How bout. How bout 85%? I'll give you an 87%.
怎麼說呢。85%如何?我給你一個87%。
-
(audience laughing)
(觀眾笑)
-
But that last 13% that keys your car,
但是,最後的13%,即鑰匙是你的車。
-
lights your shit on fire.
點燃了你的狗屎。
-
And puts a family pet and up in a pot of stew.
並把一個家庭的寵物和起來放在一鍋燉菜裡。
-
(audience laughing)
(觀眾笑)
-
Who put a pet in a pot of stew?
誰把寵物放在一鍋燉菜裡?
-
(audience laughing)
(觀眾笑)
-
Glenn Close.
格倫-克洛斯。
-
Yeah.
是的。
-
Glen Close Yeah!
格倫-克洛斯 是的!
-
Yeah. Okay. All right. I think.
是的。好的。好的。我想。
-
It was a separately boiled.
這是一個單獨的煮食。
-
You know what I miss?
你知道我想念什麼嗎?
-
I miss tougher parenting and evidence.
我懷念更嚴厲的教養和證據。
-
Those are the things that I missed from my childhood.
這些都是我在童年時錯過的東西。
-
(audience laughing)
(觀眾笑)
-
Evidence.
證據。
-
Yeah.
是的。
-
You mean...
你的意思是...
-
Due process...
正當程序...
-
Right.
對。
-
Somebody says something happened
有人說發生了一些事情
-
and then someone else goes,
然後有人去。
-
Well, I said it happened this way,
好吧,我說它是這樣發生的。
-
like the old Gumshoe shows, then they had to figure it out.
就像以前的《古惑仔》節目一樣,那麼他們就得想辦法了。
-
Right.
對。
-
Yeah. That doesn't exist now on social media.
是的。現在社交媒體上不存在這種情況。
-
Right.
對。
-
It's just like, it's just frontier justice.
這就像,這只是邊疆的正義。
-
Right.
對。
-
You feel how nervous everybody just got in here
你能感覺到每個人剛進來時有多緊張
-
at the fact that I just suggested
在我剛剛建議的事實中
-
that there should be due process.
應該有適當的程序。
-
(audience laughing)
(觀眾笑)
-
This guy is talking crazy, man.
這傢伙在說瘋話,夥計。
-
(audience laughing)
(觀眾笑)
-
He just joined ISIS.
他剛剛加入了ISIS。
-
Yeah. This is, this is what this.
是的。這就是,這就是這個。
-
No, what I'm saying...
不,我想說的是...
-
(audience hollering)
(觀眾叫好聲)
-
And then the woos that they agreed, but they were,
然後,他們同意的沃斯,但他們是。
-
they didn't agree when it counted.
他們在關鍵時刻沒有達成一致。
-
We can add, We'll digitally add woos. Don't worry.
我們可以添加,我們將以數字方式添加沃斯。別擔心。
-
We have the woo machine.
我們有胡機。
-
You are way too angry.
你太生氣了。
-
50 is still relatively young.
50歲仍然是比較年輕的。
-
I'm not angry.
我沒有生氣。
-
You have the anger of, of a 110 year old man.
你有一個110歲的老人的憤怒。
-
(audience laughing)
(觀眾笑)
-
Oh, these telephones (indistinct).
哦,這些電話(模糊不清)。
-
I can't argue.
我無法反駁。
-
You can't argue.
你無法反駁。
-
I can't argue that.
我無法反駁這一點。
-
You know, in the last segment, you're, you know, you're,
你知道,在最後一段,你是,你知道,你是。
-
there's a lot, you get worked up about, you know,
有很多東西,你會感到緊張,你知道。
-
you've always been that way. I've known you a long time.
你一直都是這樣的。我認識你很久了。
-
You get worked up about stuff. You get happy.
你會因為一些事情而感到興奮。你會感到高興。
-
When he was four, he was like,
當他四歲的時候,他就像。
-
things were better when I was three.
在我三歲的時候,情況會好一些。
-
(audience laughs)
(觀眾笑)
-
The world's shit now. Ah, the heydays of my two's.
現在的世界很糟糕。啊,我兩歲時的輝煌時代。
-
(Conan and Bill laughing)
(柯南和比爾笑)
-
Guilty as charged.
有罪的。
-
Yeah. So here's the thing. Here's the thing.
是的。所以事情是這樣的。事情是這樣的。
-
Are you, now that you're playing in Madison Square Garden,
你是嗎,現在你在麥迪遜廣場花園演出。
-
you've got all these fans.
你有這麼多的粉絲。