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  • Madison Square Garden.

    麥迪遜廣場花園。

  • I mean, things have just gone so well for you.

    我的意思是,事情對你來說太順利了。

  • It's exciting.

    這很令人興奮。

  • Yeah.

    是的。

  • These tours you're doing are so popular.

    你所做的這些旅遊是如此受歡迎。

  • The latest one, the tour is called 50.

    最近的一次,巡演叫做50。

  • Yes, sir.

    是的,先生。

  • You, you are a 50.

    你,你是一個50歲的人。

  • Are you, you feeling different right now? Is it...

    你,你現在感覺不同嗎?這是不是...

  • Yeah, no.

    是的,沒有。

  • Is 50 a weird time for you?

    50歲對你來說是一個奇怪的時期嗎?

  • No. I turned 50 and I just decided

    不,我已經50歲了,我只是決定

  • to call the tour that. I'm kind of going the opposite

    稱為旅遊。我有點反其道而行之

  • of all the people who do like the Botox and the hair plugs

    所有喜歡打肉毒桿菌和插發的人中

  • and try to look 22 for the rest of their life.

    並試圖在他們的餘生中看起來22歲。

  • Right.

    對。

  • You know, when they really just, you know, they,

    你知道,當他們真的只是,你知道,他們。

  • they don't look good.

    他們看起來並不好。

  • Yeah.

    是的。

  • You know.

    你知道的。

  • You're saying why, don't fake it, just embrace it.

    你說的是為什麼,不要偽造它,只要擁抱它。

  • They make your eyes water when you look at them,

    當你看著它們時,它們會讓你的眼睛流淚。

  • and my wife's always watching,

    而我的妻子總是在看。

  • like those Real Housewives and stuff

    像那些真正的家庭主婦之類的

  • and they just look exhausted.

    而他們只是看起來很疲憊。

  • They're like in their, you know what it

    他們就像在他們的,你知道它是什麼。

  • always reminds me of,

    總是讓我想起。

  • remember when Brett Favre played on the Vikings?

    還記得Brett Favre在維京人隊打球的時候嗎?

  • Yeah.

    是的。

  • (Conan laughing)

    (柯南笑)

  • And it was just like, just retire, dude.

    它就像,只是退休,夥計。

  • You're in the hall of fame.

    你已經進入了名人堂。

  • Yeah, yeah.

    是的,是的。

  • It's over.

    結束了。

  • And those women it's like, yeah, you had your time.

    而那些女人,就像,是的,你有你的時間。

  • You were beautiful. And it's over.

    你很美。而這一切都結束了。

  • (audience laughs and boos)

    (觀眾笑聲和噓聲)

  • People groan. You don't remember when you were a kid,

    人們呻吟著。你不記得你還是個孩子的時候了。

  • you went to the club

    你去了俱樂部

  • and there was that older person hanging out, that creep.

    還有那個在外面閒逛的老人,那個討厭鬼。

  • (audience laughing)

    (觀眾笑)

  • Yeah. That's what you're doing.

    是的。這就是你在做的事情。

  • That's what you're doing.

    這就是你在做的事情。

  • 50 is not the new 40, it's 50. I am 50.

    50歲不是新的40歲,而是50歲。我是50歲。

  • (Conan laughing)

    (柯南笑)

  • All right.

    好的。

  • I have to go see doctors.

    我必須去看醫生。

  • Yeah.

    是的。

  • (audience cheering)

    (觀眾歡呼)

  • I have to have blood taken.

    我必須要抽血。

  • So I feel, I feel young physically, but mentally,

    所以我覺得,我覺得身體上很年輕,但心理上也很年輕。

  • like when I watch TV, it makes me feel old.

    像我看電視的時候,它讓我覺得自己老了。

  • What makes you feel old about watching TV?

    是什麼讓你在看電視時感覺自己老了?

  • This well, music.

    這個嘛,音樂。

  • There's no guitar solos anymore.

    現在已經沒有吉他獨奏了。

  • And then for some reason,

    然後出於某種原因。

  • with all this technology, millennials,

    與所有這些技術,千禧一代。

  • if you take a full water bottle

    如果你拿著一個滿滿的水瓶

  • and you flip it in the air and it lands upright,

    你在空中翻轉它,它就會直立著落地。

  • they run out of the room like they just saw a witch.

    他們跑出房間,就像他們剛剛看到一個女巫。

  • (Conan and audience laughing)

    (柯南和觀眾的笑聲)

  • Everybody's like, ah, they just take off.

    每個人都喜歡,啊,他們就這樣起飛了。

  • It's like, really?

    這就像,真的嗎?

  • You have virtual reality glasses on,

    你戴著虛擬現實眼鏡。

  • you're playing all these video games,

    你在玩所有這些視頻遊戲。

  • and all somebody has to do.

    和所有有人要做的事。

  • I mean, that's like a game like Tom Sawyer

    我的意思是,這就像《湯姆-索亞》那樣的遊戲

  • would have played.

    會發揮。

  • (Conan and audience laughing)

    (柯南和觀眾的笑聲)

  • So it's stuff like that.

    所以是這樣的東西。

  • Uh-huh.

    嗯,嗯。

  • That I'm just like, I'm not, I'm not ridiculing it.

    那我就像,我不是,我不是在嘲笑它。

  • It's just like, wow, I can't relate to this.

    這就像,哇,我不能與此相關。

  • You can't relate to it.

    你不能與之發生聯繫。

  • Yeah.

    是的。

  • You know, your show F is for family.

    你知道,你的節目F是指家庭。

  • I relate to it because it's about parenting

    我和它有關係,因為它是關於養育子女的。

  • in the seventies and that's, you know,

    在七十年代,這就是,你知道。

  • that was when I was parented, like you.

    那是我被父母教育的時候,像你一樣。

  • What do you think of parents now?

    你現在對父母有什麼看法?

  • How do you compare them to parents in the seventies?

    你如何將他們與七十年代的父母相比?

  • Oh. It's just completely, the kids have so much power.

    哦。這只是完全,孩子們有這麼多的權力。

  • It's like ridiculous. Like half of these kids,

    這簡直是荒唐。像這些孩子中的一半。

  • I'm like, I look and I just have what happened to me.

    我喜歡,我看,我只是有發生在我身上的事情。

  • And I'm like looking at a kid and be like,

    我就像看著一個孩子,然後就像。

  • this kid's about ready to get punted

    這孩子已經準備好被罰了

  • across the grocery store.

    在雜貨店對面。

  • (audience laughing)

    (觀眾笑)

  • And it just never happens.

    而它只是從未發生過。

  • (audience laughing)

    (觀眾笑)

  • Right.

    對。

  • They just, they just don't get hit.

    他們只是,他們只是沒有被擊中。

  • And I think it's hurting this country.

    我認為這對這個國家造成了傷害。

  • You're mad, wait a minute,

    你生氣了,等一下。

  • (Bill chuckles)

    (比爾笑著說)

  • Wait a minute, wait a minute.

    等一下,等一下。

  • No, like...

    不,像...

  • (audience laughing)

    (觀眾笑)

  • You're mad that children are, are not being hit.

    你很生氣,因為孩子們,沒有被打。

  • There should be the threat of it.

    應該有這樣的威脅。

  • Half of it was just that, look,

    有一半是這樣的,看。

  • it was just, your dad was acting like he was gonna do it.

    只是,你爸爸表現得好像他要去做這件事。

  • He never did it, but your mother did, and because,

    他從未做過,但你母親做過,而且是因為。

  • (audience laughing)

    (觀眾笑)

  • because she was a woman. It was like, okay.

    因為她是一個女人。這就像,好吧。

  • 'Cause he's like, hey, you let a girl beat you up.

    因為他說,嘿,你讓一個女孩打了你。

  • You kind of felt emasculated.

    你有點覺得自己被閹割了。

  • Yeah.

    是的。

  • (audience laughing)

    (觀眾笑)

  • We had a rule at like, I actually,

    我們有一個規則,在像,我實際上。

  • a lot of the stuff that I look at

    我看的很多東西都是

  • from when I was a kid that actually kind of made sense

    當我還是個孩子的時候,這實際上是一種有意義的。

  • in a way is now it would now be considered like abuse,

    在某種程度上,現在它將被視為像虐待。

  • I guess. Like when I was a kid,

    我猜。就像我還是個孩子的時候。

  • if you didn't finish your supper, as we called it...

    如果你沒有吃完你的晚餐,我們稱之為...

  • Supper.

    晚飯。

  • Yeah. My mother was just like,

    是的。我母親就像。

  • well, you're going to finish.

    嗯,你要完成。

  • She would just wrap it in cellophane.

    她只是用玻璃紙把它包起來。

  • And you just picked up where you left off for breakfast,

    而你剛剛接上了你離開的早餐。

  • like, like a blue collar job.

    像,像一個藍領工作。

  • Like you take the shovel out of the hole

    就像你把鏟子從洞裡拿出來一樣

  • and just start digging it again.

    並剛剛開始再次挖掘它。

  • So yeah. I remember one night we had cube steaks,

    所以是的。我記得有一天晚上我們吃了立方體牛排。

  • which is like one of the toughest pieces of meat.

    這就像最堅硬的肉塊之一。

  • I don't know if you guys,

    我不知道你們是否

  • Everything's so like Asian infused, Wagyu beef.

    一切都那麼像亞洲注入的和牛。

  • Everybody's eating that crap now.

    現在每個人都在吃這種垃圾。

  • But cube steak was like,

    但立方體牛排就像。

  • they had literally had to hit it

    他們簡直是不得不打

  • with a hammer to make it like edible.

    用錘子敲打,使其像可食用。

  • And so we having cube steaks.

    是以,我們有了立方體牛排。

  • And I forget, my little brother was still

    而我忘了,我的小弟弟還在

  • in a high chair and he couldn't finish his.

    在一個高腳椅上,他無法完成他的。

  • So my mother goes,

    所以我母親去了。

  • "All right, well you're just going

    "好吧,那你就去吧

  • to have eat it for breakfast."

    要把它當作早餐來吃。"

  • And that was like eight hours away,

    而那就像八個小時的路程。

  • which was like half his life.

    這就像他的半生。

  • (Conan and audience laughing)

    (柯南和觀眾的笑聲)

  • So he was like, "All right. I'll take that deal."

    所以他就說,"好吧。我將接受這筆交易。"

  • So, the next morning, I remember we were having waffles.

    所以,第二天早上,我記得我們正在吃華夫餅。

  • My mother always made Sunday breakfast.

    我母親總是做週日的早餐。

  • So we had all these waffles, eggs, bacon, this whole layout.

    所以我們有所有這些華夫餅、雞蛋、培根,這整個佈局。

  • My brother was looking at half eaten, cube steaks,

    我哥哥看著吃了一半的立方體牛排。

  • and a little mound of green bean casserole.

    和一小堆綠豆砂鍋。

  • And he goes, so he looked at my mom.

    他就去了,所以他看了看我媽媽。

  • He goes, "Mom, can I have a waffle?"

    他說:"媽媽,我可以吃個華夫餅嗎?"

  • And she goes, "No, you got to finish your supper."

    她說:"不,你得吃完你的晚餐。"

  • And he's like, "Well, after I finished my WAF, a supper,

    他就說:"好吧,在我完成了我的WAF之後,一個晚餐。

  • then can I have a waffle?"

    那麼我可以吃個華夫餅嗎?"

  • She goes, "No, that is your breakfast."

    她說:"不,那是你的早餐。"

  • And he goes, "Oh mom, I hate you."

    他說:"哦,媽媽,我恨你。"

  • And my dad without looking up,

    而我的父親沒有抬頭。

  • took a full glass of milk and threw it in his face.

    拿出一整杯牛奶,扔在他臉上。

  • (Conan and audience laughing)

    (柯南和觀眾的笑聲)

  • Swear to God.

    向上帝發誓。

  • This is what kills me. We're killing...

    這就是讓我感到痛苦的地方。我們正在殺害...

  • You want everyone today

    你想讓今天的所有人

  • to have as miserable childhood as you had.

    擁有像你一樣悲慘的童年。

  • (audience laughs)

    (觀眾笑)

  • No, but it was kind of funny.

    沒有,但這有點好笑。

  • I just, you know what was hilarious,

    我只是,你知道什麼是搞笑的。

  • was that my mother just popped up

    是我的母親突然出現了

  • and just immediately started cleaning up.

    並立即開始清理。

  • And my dad just kept eating.

    而我爸爸只是一直在吃。

  • (Conan and audience laughing)

    (柯南和觀眾的笑聲)

  • Like he didn't, like the roles were defined back then.

    就像他沒有,就像那時的角色被定義了。

  • Now, the guy has to throw the milk.

    現在,這個人必須扔掉牛奶。

  • He has to clean it up,

    他必須把它清理乾淨。

  • while telling his wife she's brave

    同時告訴他的妻子她很勇敢

  • for just sitting there,

    因為只是坐在那裡。

  • (audience laughs and boos)

    (觀眾笑聲和噓聲)

  • like whatever it is,

    不管它是什麼,都喜歡。

  • You hear it?

    你聽到了嗎?

  • Oh, oh,

    噢,噢。

  • (audience laughing)

    (觀眾笑)

  • Women are so overrated. Right.

    女人是如此被高估。對。

  • We went from...

    我們從...

  • Wait, wait, what? Wait, wait, what?

    等等,等等,什麼?等待,等待,什麼?

  • What? Wait. Wait. What?

    什麼?等等。等等。什麼?

  • We went from not listening to them. To now, it's just,

    我們從不聽他們的話。到現在,只是。

  • it's just, you know, it's just, it's ridiculous.

    這只是,你知道,這只是,這是很荒謬的。

  • Like that, believe women, it's like all of them?

    像這樣,相信女人,就像所有的人?

  • (audience laughing)

    (觀眾笑)

  • How bout. How bout 85%? I'll give you an 87%.

    怎麼說呢。85%如何?我給你一個87%。

  • (audience laughing)

    (觀眾笑)

  • But that last 13% that keys your car,

    但是,最後的13%,即鑰匙是你的車。

  • lights your shit on fire.

    點燃了你的狗屎。

  • And puts a family pet and up in a pot of stew.

    並把一個家庭的寵物和起來放在一鍋燉菜裡。

  • (audience laughing)

    (觀眾笑)

  • Who put a pet in a pot of stew?

    誰把寵物放在一鍋燉菜裡?

  • (audience laughing)

    (觀眾笑)

  • Glenn Close.

    格倫-克洛斯。

  • Yeah.

    是的。

  • Glen Close Yeah!

    格倫-克洛斯 是的!

  • Yeah. Okay. All right. I think.

    是的。好的。好的。我想。

  • It was a separately boiled.

    這是一個單獨的煮食。

  • You know what I miss?

    你知道我想念什麼嗎?

  • I miss tougher parenting and evidence.

    我懷念更嚴厲的教養和證據。

  • Those are the things that I missed from my childhood.

    這些都是我在童年時錯過的東西。

  • (audience laughing)

    (觀眾笑)

  • Evidence.

    證據。

  • Yeah.

    是的。

  • You mean...

    你的意思是...

  • Due process...

    正當程序...

  • Right.

    對。

  • Somebody says something happened

    有人說發生了一些事情

  • and then someone else goes,

    然後有人去。

  • Well, I said it happened this way,

    好吧,我說它是這樣發生的。

  • like the old Gumshoe shows, then they had to figure it out.

    就像以前的《古惑仔》節目一樣,那麼他們就得想辦法了。

  • Right.

    對。

  • Yeah. That doesn't exist now on social media.

    是的。現在社交媒體上不存在這種情況。

  • Right.

    對。

  • It's just like, it's just frontier justice.

    這就像,這只是邊疆的正義。

  • Right.

    對。

  • You feel how nervous everybody just got in here

    你能感覺到每個人剛進來時有多緊張

  • at the fact that I just suggested

    在我剛剛建議的事實中

  • that there should be due process.

    應該有適當的程序。

  • (audience laughing)

    (觀眾笑)

  • This guy is talking crazy, man.

    這傢伙在說瘋話,夥計。

  • (audience laughing)

    (觀眾笑)

  • He just joined ISIS.

    他剛剛加入了ISIS。

  • Yeah. This is, this is what this.

    是的。這就是,這就是這個。

  • No, what I'm saying...

    不,我想說的是...

  • (audience hollering)

    (觀眾叫好聲)

  • And then the woos that they agreed, but they were,

    然後,他們同意的沃斯,但他們是。

  • they didn't agree when it counted.

    他們在關鍵時刻沒有達成一致。

  • We can add, We'll digitally add woos. Don't worry.

    我們可以添加,我們將以數字方式添加沃斯。別擔心。

  • We have the woo machine.

    我們有胡機。

  • You are way too angry.

    你太生氣了。

  • 50 is still relatively young.

    50歲仍然是比較年輕的。

  • I'm not angry.

    我沒有生氣。

  • You have the anger of, of a 110 year old man.

    你有一個110歲的老人的憤怒。

  • (audience laughing)

    (觀眾笑)

  • Oh, these telephones (indistinct).

    哦,這些電話(模糊不清)。

  • I can't argue.

    我無法反駁。

  • You can't argue.

    你無法反駁。

  • I can't argue that.

    我無法反駁這一點。

  • You know, in the last segment, you're, you know, you're,

    你知道,在最後一段,你是,你知道,你是。

  • there's a lot, you get worked up about, you know,

    有很多東西,你會感到緊張,你知道。

  • you've always been that way. I've known you a long time.

    你一直都是這樣的。我認識你很久了。

  • You get worked up about stuff. You get happy.

    你會因為一些事情而感到興奮。你會感到高興。

  • When he was four, he was like,

    當他四歲的時候,他就像。

  • things were better when I was three.

    在我三歲的時候,情況會好一些。

  • (audience laughs)

    (觀眾笑)

  • The world's shit now. Ah, the heydays of my two's.

    現在的世界很糟糕。啊,我兩歲時的輝煌時代。

  • (Conan and Bill laughing)

    (柯南和比爾笑)

  • Guilty as charged.

    有罪的。

  • Yeah. So here's the thing. Here's the thing.

    是的。所以事情是這樣的。事情是這樣的。

  • Are you, now that you're playing in Madison Square Garden,

    你是嗎,現在你在麥迪遜廣場花園演出。

  • you've got all these fans.

    你有這麼多的粉絲。