I mean, things have just gone so well for you.

我的意思是，事情對你來說太順利了。

It's exciting.

這很令人興奮。

Yeah.

是的。

These tours you're doing are so popular.

你所做的這些旅遊是如此受歡迎。

The latest one, the tour is called 50.

最近的一次，巡演叫做50。

Yes, sir.

是的，先生。

You, you are a 50.

你，你是一個50歲的人。

Are you, you feeling different right now? Is it...

你，你現在感覺不同嗎？這是不是...

Yeah, no.

是的，沒有。

Is 50 a weird time for you?

50歲對你來說是一個奇怪的時期嗎？

No. I turned 50 and I just decided

不，我已經50歲了，我只是決定

to call the tour that. I'm kind of going the opposite

稱為旅遊。我有點反其道而行之

of all the people who do like the Botox and the hair plugs

所有喜歡打肉毒桿菌和插發的人中

and try to look 22 for the rest of their life.

並試圖在他們的餘生中看起來22歲。

Right.

對。

You know, when they really just, you know, they,

你知道，當他們真的只是，你知道，他們。

they don't look good.

他們看起來並不好。

Yeah.

是的。

You know.

你知道的。

You're saying why, don't fake it, just embrace it.

你說的是為什麼，不要偽造它，只要擁抱它。

They make your eyes water when you look at them,

當你看著它們時，它們會讓你的眼睛流淚。

and my wife's always watching,

而我的妻子總是在看。

like those Real Housewives and stuff

像那些真正的家庭主婦之類的

and they just look exhausted.

而他們只是看起來很疲憊。

They're like in their, you know what it

他們就像在他們的，你知道它是什麼。

always reminds me of,

總是讓我想起。

remember when Brett Favre played on the Vikings?

還記得Brett Favre在維京人隊打球的時候嗎？

Yeah.

是的。

(Conan laughing)

(柯南笑)

And it was just like, just retire, dude.

它就像，只是退休，夥計。

You're in the hall of fame.

你已經進入了名人堂。

Yeah, yeah.

是的，是的。

It's over.

結束了。

And those women it's like, yeah, you had your time.

而那些女人，就像，是的，你有你的時間。

You were beautiful. And it's over.

你很美。而這一切都結束了。

(audience laughs and boos)

(觀眾笑聲和噓聲)

People groan. You don't remember when you were a kid,

人們呻吟著。你不記得你還是個孩子的時候了。

you went to the club

你去了俱樂部

and there was that older person hanging out, that creep.

還有那個在外面閒逛的老人，那個討厭鬼。

(audience laughing)

(觀眾笑)

Yeah. That's what you're doing.

是的。這就是你在做的事情。

That's what you're doing.

這就是你在做的事情。

50 is not the new 40, it's 50. I am 50.

50歲不是新的40歲，而是50歲。我是50歲。

(Conan laughing)

(柯南笑)

All right.

好的。

I have to go see doctors.

我必須去看醫生。

Yeah.

是的。

(audience cheering)

(觀眾歡呼)

I have to have blood taken.

我必須要抽血。

So I feel, I feel young physically, but mentally,

所以我覺得，我覺得身體上很年輕，但心理上也很年輕。

like when I watch TV, it makes me feel old.

像我看電視的時候，它讓我覺得自己老了。

What makes you feel old about watching TV?

是什麼讓你在看電視時感覺自己老了？

This well, music.

這個嘛，音樂。

There's no guitar solos anymore.

現在已經沒有吉他獨奏了。

And then for some reason,

然後出於某種原因。

with all this technology, millennials,

與所有這些技術，千禧一代。

if you take a full water bottle

如果你拿著一個滿滿的水瓶

and you flip it in the air and it lands upright,

你在空中翻轉它，它就會直立著落地。

they run out of the room like they just saw a witch.

他們跑出房間，就像他們剛剛看到一個女巫。

(Conan and audience laughing)

(柯南和觀眾的笑聲)

Everybody's like, ah, they just take off.

每個人都喜歡，啊，他們就這樣起飛了。

It's like, really?

這就像，真的嗎？

You have virtual reality glasses on,

你戴著虛擬現實眼鏡。

you're playing all these video games,

你在玩所有這些視頻遊戲。

and all somebody has to do.

和所有有人要做的事。

I mean, that's like a game like Tom Sawyer

我的意思是，這就像《湯姆-索亞》那樣的遊戲

would have played.

會發揮。

(Conan and audience laughing)

(柯南和觀眾的笑聲)

So it's stuff like that.

所以是這樣的東西。

Uh-huh.

嗯，嗯。

That I'm just like, I'm not, I'm not ridiculing it.

那我就像，我不是，我不是在嘲笑它。

It's just like, wow, I can't relate to this.

這就像，哇，我不能與此相關。

You can't relate to it.

你不能與之發生聯繫。

Yeah.

是的。

You know, your show F is for family.

你知道，你的節目F是指家庭。

I relate to it because it's about parenting

我和它有關係，因為它是關於養育子女的。

in the seventies and that's, you know,

在七十年代，這就是，你知道。

that was when I was parented, like you.

那是我被父母教育的時候，像你一樣。

What do you think of parents now?

你現在對父母有什麼看法？

How do you compare them to parents in the seventies?

你如何將他們與七十年代的父母相比？

Oh. It's just completely, the kids have so much power.

哦。這只是完全，孩子們有這麼多的權力。

It's like ridiculous. Like half of these kids,

這簡直是荒唐。像這些孩子中的一半。

I'm like, I look and I just have what happened to me.

我喜歡，我看，我只是有發生在我身上的事情。

And I'm like looking at a kid and be like,

我就像看著一個孩子，然後就像。

this kid's about ready to get punted

這孩子已經準備好被罰了

across the grocery store.

在雜貨店對面。

(audience laughing)

(觀眾笑)

And it just never happens.

而它只是從未發生過。

(audience laughing)

(觀眾笑)

Right.

對。

They just, they just don't get hit.

他們只是，他們只是沒有被擊中。

And I think it's hurting this country.

我認為這對這個國家造成了傷害。

You're mad, wait a minute,

你生氣了，等一下。

(Bill chuckles)

(比爾笑著說)

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

等一下，等一下。

No, like...

不，像...

(audience laughing)

(觀眾笑)

You're mad that children are, are not being hit.

你很生氣，因為孩子們，沒有被打。

There should be the threat of it.

應該有這樣的威脅。

Half of it was just that, look,

有一半是這樣的，看。

it was just, your dad was acting like he was gonna do it.

只是，你爸爸表現得好像他要去做這件事。

He never did it, but your mother did, and because,

他從未做過，但你母親做過，而且是因為。

(audience laughing)

(觀眾笑)

because she was a woman. It was like, okay.

因為她是一個女人。這就像，好吧。

'Cause he's like, hey, you let a girl beat you up.

因為他說，嘿，你讓一個女孩打了你。

You kind of felt emasculated.

你有點覺得自己被閹割了。

Yeah.

是的。

(audience laughing)

(觀眾笑)

We had a rule at like, I actually,

我們有一個規則，在像，我實際上。

a lot of the stuff that I look at

我看的很多東西都是

from when I was a kid that actually kind of made sense

當我還是個孩子的時候，這實際上是一種有意義的。

in a way is now it would now be considered like abuse,

在某種程度上，現在它將被視為像虐待。

I guess. Like when I was a kid,

我猜。就像我還是個孩子的時候。

if you didn't finish your supper, as we called it...

如果你沒有吃完你的晚餐，我們稱之為...

Supper.

晚飯。

Yeah. My mother was just like,

是的。我母親就像。

well, you're going to finish.

嗯，你要完成。

She would just wrap it in cellophane.

她只是用玻璃紙把它包起來。

And you just picked up where you left off for breakfast,

而你剛剛接上了你離開的早餐。

like, like a blue collar job.

像，像一個藍領工作。

Like you take the shovel out of the hole

就像你把鏟子從洞裡拿出來一樣

and just start digging it again.

並剛剛開始再次挖掘它。

So yeah. I remember one night we had cube steaks,

所以是的。我記得有一天晚上我們吃了立方體牛排。

which is like one of the toughest pieces of meat.

這就像最堅硬的肉塊之一。

I don't know if you guys,

我不知道你們是否

Everything's so like Asian infused, Wagyu beef.

一切都那麼像亞洲注入的和牛。

Everybody's eating that crap now.

現在每個人都在吃這種垃圾。

But cube steak was like,

但立方體牛排就像。

they had literally had to hit it

他們簡直是不得不打

with a hammer to make it like edible.

用錘子敲打，使其像可食用。

And so we having cube steaks.

是以，我們有了立方體牛排。

And I forget, my little brother was still

而我忘了，我的小弟弟還在

in a high chair and he couldn't finish his.

在一個高腳椅上，他無法完成他的。

So my mother goes,

所以我母親去了。

"All right, well you're just going

"好吧，那你就去吧

to have eat it for breakfast."

要把它當作早餐來吃。"

And that was like eight hours away,

而那就像八個小時的路程。

which was like half his life.

這就像他的半生。

(Conan and audience laughing)

(柯南和觀眾的笑聲)

So he was like, "All right. I'll take that deal."

所以他就說，"好吧。我將接受這筆交易。"

So, the next morning, I remember we were having waffles.

所以，第二天早上，我記得我們正在吃華夫餅。

My mother always made Sunday breakfast.

我母親總是做週日的早餐。

So we had all these waffles, eggs, bacon, this whole layout.

所以我們有所有這些華夫餅、雞蛋、培根，這整個佈局。

My brother was looking at half eaten, cube steaks,

我哥哥看著吃了一半的立方體牛排。

and a little mound of green bean casserole.

和一小堆綠豆砂鍋。

And he goes, so he looked at my mom.

他就去了，所以他看了看我媽媽。

He goes, "Mom, can I have a waffle?"

他說："媽媽，我可以吃個華夫餅嗎？"

And she goes, "No, you got to finish your supper."

她說："不，你得吃完你的晚餐。"

And he's like, "Well, after I finished my WAF, a supper,

他就說："好吧，在我完成了我的WAF之後，一個晚餐。

then can I have a waffle?"

那麼我可以吃個華夫餅嗎？"

She goes, "No, that is your breakfast."

她說："不，那是你的早餐。"

And he goes, "Oh mom, I hate you."

他說："哦，媽媽，我恨你。"

And my dad without looking up,

而我的父親沒有抬頭。

took a full glass of milk and threw it in his face.

拿出一整杯牛奶，扔在他臉上。

(Conan and audience laughing)

(柯南和觀眾的笑聲)

Swear to God.

向上帝發誓。

This is what kills me. We're killing...

這就是讓我感到痛苦的地方。我們正在殺害...

You want everyone today

你想讓今天的所有人

to have as miserable childhood as you had.

擁有像你一樣悲慘的童年。

(audience laughs)

(觀眾笑)

No, but it was kind of funny.

沒有，但這有點好笑。

I just, you know what was hilarious,

我只是，你知道什麼是搞笑的。

was that my mother just popped up

是我的母親突然出現了

and just immediately started cleaning up.

並立即開始清理。

And my dad just kept eating.

而我爸爸只是一直在吃。

(Conan and audience laughing)

(柯南和觀眾的笑聲)

Like he didn't, like the roles were defined back then.

就像他沒有，就像那時的角色被定義了。

Now, the guy has to throw the milk.

現在，這個人必須扔掉牛奶。

He has to clean it up,

他必須把它清理乾淨。

while telling his wife she's brave

同時告訴他的妻子她很勇敢

for just sitting there,

因為只是坐在那裡。

(audience laughs and boos)

(觀眾笑聲和噓聲)

like whatever it is,

不管它是什麼，都喜歡。

You hear it?

你聽到了嗎？

Oh, oh,

噢，噢。

(audience laughing)

(觀眾笑)

Women are so overrated. Right.

女人是如此被高估。對。

We went from...

我們從...

Wait, wait, what? Wait, wait, what?

等等，等等，什麼？等待，等待，什麼？

What? Wait. Wait. What?

什麼？等等。等等。什麼？

We went from not listening to them. To now, it's just,

我們從不聽他們的話。到現在，只是。

it's just, you know, it's just, it's ridiculous.

這只是，你知道，這只是，這是很荒謬的。

Like that, believe women, it's like all of them?

像這樣，相信女人，就像所有的人？

(audience laughing)

(觀眾笑)

How bout. How bout 85%? I'll give you an 87%.

怎麼說呢。85%如何？我給你一個87%。

(audience laughing)

(觀眾笑)

But that last 13% that keys your car,

但是，最後的13%，即鑰匙是你的車。

lights your shit on fire.

點燃了你的狗屎。

And puts a family pet and up in a pot of stew.

並把一個家庭的寵物和起來放在一鍋燉菜裡。

(audience laughing)

(觀眾笑)

Who put a pet in a pot of stew?

誰把寵物放在一鍋燉菜裡？

(audience laughing)

(觀眾笑)

Glenn Close.

格倫-克洛斯。

Yeah.

是的。

Glen Close Yeah!

格倫-克洛斯 是的!

Yeah. Okay. All right. I think.

是的。好的。好的。我想。

It was a separately boiled.

這是一個單獨的煮食。

You know what I miss?

你知道我想念什麼嗎？

I miss tougher parenting and evidence.

我懷念更嚴厲的教養和證據。

Those are the things that I missed from my childhood.

這些都是我在童年時錯過的東西。

(audience laughing)

(觀眾笑)

Evidence.

證據。

Yeah.

是的。

You mean...

你的意思是...

Due process...

正當程序...

Right.

對。

Somebody says something happened

有人說發生了一些事情

and then someone else goes,

然後有人去。

Well, I said it happened this way,

好吧，我說它是這樣發生的。

like the old Gumshoe shows, then they had to figure it out.

就像以前的《古惑仔》節目一樣，那麼他們就得想辦法了。

Right.

對。

Yeah. That doesn't exist now on social media.

是的。現在社交媒體上不存在這種情況。

Right.

對。

It's just like, it's just frontier justice.

這就像，這只是邊疆的正義。

Right.

對。

You feel how nervous everybody just got in here

你能感覺到每個人剛進來時有多緊張

at the fact that I just suggested

在我剛剛建議的事實中

that there should be due process.

應該有適當的程序。

(audience laughing)

(觀眾笑)

This guy is talking crazy, man.

這傢伙在說瘋話，夥計。

(audience laughing)

(觀眾笑)

He just joined ISIS.

他剛剛加入了ISIS。

Yeah. This is, this is what this.

是的。這就是，這就是這個。

No, what I'm saying...

不，我想說的是...

(audience hollering)

(觀眾叫好聲)

And then the woos that they agreed, but they were,

然後，他們同意的沃斯，但他們是。

they didn't agree when it counted.

他們在關鍵時刻沒有達成一致。

We can add, We'll digitally add woos. Don't worry.

我們可以添加，我們將以數字方式添加沃斯。別擔心。

We have the woo machine.

我們有胡機。

You are way too angry.

你太生氣了。

50 is still relatively young.

50歲仍然是比較年輕的。

I'm not angry.

我沒有生氣。

You have the anger of, of a 110 year old man.

你有一個110歲的老人的憤怒。

(audience laughing)

(觀眾笑)

Oh, these telephones (indistinct).

哦，這些電話（模糊不清）。

I can't argue.

我無法反駁。

You can't argue.

你無法反駁。

I can't argue that.

我無法反駁這一點。

You know, in the last segment, you're, you know, you're,

你知道，在最後一段，你是，你知道，你是。

there's a lot, you get worked up about, you know,

有很多東西，你會感到緊張，你知道。

you've always been that way. I've known you a long time.

你一直都是這樣的。我認識你很久了。

You get worked up about stuff. You get happy.

你會因為一些事情而感到興奮。你會感到高興。

When he was four, he was like,

當他四歲的時候，他就像。

things were better when I was three.

在我三歲的時候，情況會好一些。

(audience laughs)

(觀眾笑)

The world's shit now. Ah, the heydays of my two's.

現在的世界很糟糕。啊，我兩歲時的輝煌時代。

(Conan and Bill laughing)

(柯南和比爾笑)

Guilty as charged.

有罪的。

Yeah. So here's the thing. Here's the thing.

是的。所以事情是這樣的。事情是這樣的。

Are you, now that you're playing in Madison Square Garden,

你是嗎，現在你在麥迪遜廣場花園演出。

you've got all these fans.

你有這麼多的粉絲。

You're extremely successful comedian.

你是非常成功的喜劇演員。

Are you able to enjoy your success now?

你現在能夠享受你的成功嗎？

Are you able to just have some fun...

你能不能只找點樂子...。

Yes.

是的。

with the fact that you're a success?

與你是一個成功的事實？

Yes. Yes. I enjoy it, but I still, you know,

是的，是的。我喜歡它，但我仍然，你知道。

the bane of my existence is I let little things bother me.

我存在的禍根是我讓小事困擾我。