there may lie something more surprising, pernicious and poignant. We suffer from a suspicion of

可能有一些更令人驚訝、更有害、更令人痛心的東西存在。我們因懷疑

ourselves that gives us a sense that other people will always have good reasons to dislike

我們自己，讓我們感覺到其他人總是有充分的理由不喜歡我們。

us, to think ill of us, to question our motives and to mock us. We then become scared of the

我們，認為我們不好，質疑我們的動機，嘲笑我們。然後我們變得害怕

world, speak in a small voice, don't dare to show our face at gatherings and are frightened

世界，說話聲音小，不敢在聚會上露面，害怕被人發現。

of social occasions because we fear that we are ideal targets for ridicule and disdain.

因為我們擔心自己是被嘲笑和鄙視的理想目標，所以不參加社交場合。

Our shy manner is the pre-emptive stance we adopt in the face of the blows we feel that

我們的羞怯態度是我們在面對我們感到的打擊時採取的先發制人的姿態，即

other people want to land on us. Our shyness is rooted in a sense of unworthiness.

其他人想落在我們身上。我們的羞怯源於一種不值得的感覺。

As shy people, when we find ourselves in a foreign city in which we know no one, we can

作為害羞的人，當我們發現自己身處一個陌生的城市，而我們又不認識任何人，我們可以

be thrown into panic at the prospect of having to enter a busy restaurant and order a meal

驚慌失措地進入一個繁忙的餐廳並點餐

on our own. Dogged by a feeling that no one especially wants to know us, that we are outside

在我們自己身上。感到沒有人特別想了解我們，我們是在外面。

the charmed circle of the popular and the desirable, we are sure that our leprous condition

我們確信，我們的麻風病狀況在流行和理想的圈子裡是很好的。

will be noticed by others and that we will be the target of sneering and viciousness.

會被別人注意到，我們會成為譏笑和惡毒的目標。

We unknowingly impute to strangers the nasty comments that we are experts at making to

我們不自覺地把我們擅長的對陌生人的討厭的評論歸結到了陌生人身上。

ourselves; our self-image returns to haunt us in the assumed views of others. We imagine

我們的自我形象在別人的假設觀點中回到了我們身邊，困擾著我們。我們想象

that groups of friends will take mean delight in our solitary state and read into it appalling

夥伴們會對我們的孤獨狀態感到高興，並在其中讀出駭人聽聞的內容。

conclusions about our nature. They will see right through our veneer of competence and

關於我們的性質的結論。他們會看穿我們的能力的外衣和

adulthood and detect the deformed and unfinished creature we have felt like since the start.

成年後，發現我們從一開始就覺得自己是一個畸形的、未完成的生物。

They will know how desperate we have been to win friends and how pitiful and isolated

他們會知道我們為了贏得朋友是多麼的絕望，以及我們是多麼的可憐和孤立無援

we are. Even the waiter will fight to restrain their desire to giggle at our expense in the

我們是。即使是服務員也會努力剋制自己的慾望，在我們的費用上傻笑。

kitchen.

廚房。

A comparable fear haunts us at the idea of going into a clothes shop. The sales attendant

當我們想到要進入一家服裝店時，一種類似的恐懼就會困擾著我們。銷售人員

will surely immediately sense how unfit we are to lay claim to the stylishness on offer.

肯定會立即感覺到我們是多麼不適合對所提供的時尚性提出要求。

They may suspect we lack the money; they will be appalled by our physique. We lack the right

他們可能懷疑我們缺錢；他們會對我們的體格感到震驚。我們缺乏權利

to pamper our own bodies.

來呵護我們自己的身體。

It can be as much of a hurdle to attend a party. Here too our fundamental imagined awfulness

參加一個聚會也會有很多障礙。這裡也是我們基本想象的可怕之處

is perpetually at risk of being noticed and exploited by others. As we try to join a group

永遠處於被他人注意和利用的風險之中。當我們試圖加入一個團體時

of people chatting animatedly, we dread that that they will swiftly realise how unfunny

我們害怕他們很快就會意識到，他們是多麼的無趣。

we are, how craven our nature is and how peculiar and damned we are at our core.

我們是怎樣的人，我們的本性是多麼的瘋狂，我們的核心是多麼的奇特和該死。

The novelist Franz Kafka, who hated himself with rare energy, famously imagined himself

小說家弗蘭茨-卡夫卡以罕見的精力憎恨自己，他有一個著名的想象，即自己

into the role of a cockroach. This move of the imagination will feel familiar to anyone

變成了一隻蟑螂的角色。這種想象力的動作對任何人來說都會感到熟悉。

sick with self-disdain. We, the self-hating ones, spontaneously identify with all the

患有自我厭惡症。我們這些自我憎恨的人，自發地認同所有的

stranger, less photogenic animals: rhinoceroses, blobfish, spiders, warthogs, elephant seals…

陌生的、不那麼上鏡的動物：犀牛、球魚、蜘蛛、疣豬、象海豹。

We skulk in corners, we run away from our shadow, we live in fear of being swatted away

我們躲在角落裡，我們逃避我們的影子，我們生活在被拍打的恐懼中

and killed.

並被殺害。

It is no surprise if, against such an internal background, we end up 'shy'. The solution

如果在這樣的內部背景下，我們最終會 "害羞"，這並不奇怪。解決辦法

is not to urge us blithely to be more 'confident'. It is to help us to take stock of our feelings

這並不是要輕率地敦促我們更加 "自信"。它是為了幫助我們評估我們的感受

about ourselves that we have ascribed to an audience, that is, in reality, far more innocent

我們賦予觀眾的關於我們自己的資訊，實際上，這些資訊遠比我們自己的資訊更天真。

and unconcerned than we ever imagine. We need to trace our self-hatred back to its origins,

和不關心，比我們想象的還要多。我們需要追溯到我們的自我憎恨的起源。

repatriate and localise it, and drain it of its power to infect our views of those we

遣返並使其本地化，並使其失去感染我們對那些人的看法的能力。

encounter. Everyone else isn't jeering, or bored or convinced of our revoltingness;

遭遇。其他所有人都沒有嘲笑，也沒有厭煩，更沒有對我們的反感深信不疑。

these are our certainties, not theirs. We don't have to whisper in a circumspect manner

這些是我們的確定性，不是他們的。我們不必以周密的方式竊竊私語

and enter each new conversation, restaurant or shop with a sheepish air of apology. We

並在每次新的談話、餐廳或商店中帶著羞澀的歉意。我們

can cast aside our introverted circumspection once we realise the distortions of our self-perception,

一旦我們意識到自我認知的扭曲，就可以拋開我們內向的謹慎。

and can come to believe in a world that has far better things to do than

並能相信世界上有比這更好的事情可做。

to despise us.

來鄙視我們。