I believe I've isolated the algorithm for making friends.

(audience laughing)

(gentle music playing)

Hello Kripkey? Yeah, Sheldon Cooper here.

It occurred to me that you hadn't returned any of my calls because I hadn't offered any concrete suggestions for pursuing our friendship.

Perhaps the two of us might share a meal together.

(audience laughing)

Yeah, I see.

Well then perhaps you'd have time for a hot beverage.

(audience laughing)

Popular choices include tea, coffee, cocoa.

I see.

No, no, no, wait. Don't hang up yet.

What about a recreational activity?

I bet we share some common interests.

Tell me an interest of yours.

Really? On actual horses?

(audience laughing)

Tell me another interest of yours.

(audience laughing)

Oh no, I'm sorry.

I have no desire to get in the water until I absolutely have to.

(audience laughing)

Tell me another interest of yours.

- Howard. You are in an elite group.

Only 232 people have ever been on the International Space Station.

How does that make you feel?

- Honestly, lucky.

Most astronauts have to train their whole lives.

I was just in the right place at the right time.

- Oh, please. Luck had nothing to do with it.

You people need to know how impressive this man is.

He was up there because he's the only one qualified to install a piece of equipment that he designed.

- Thanks, but if you want to talk impressive, this guy right here discovered a planetary object outside the Kuiper belt.

- He worked on the Mars Rover.

- He helped launch the New Horizons space probe.

- He went to space on a Russian rocket!

(audience laughing)

- Why are you getting annoyed?

- I'm trying to be a better friend, but you constantly say and do irritating things.

- Like when?

- When? How about in the car?

I'm an astronaut and you know it, you just don't like admitting it because you're jealous.

- Well, truth be told, as a child I did dream of going to space.

Those astronauts were my heroes.

And when you got to go, it was hard for me.

- Thank you.

- Because it made me realize they'll just send anyone up there.

(audience laughing)

- I don't like when things change.

So regardless of your feelings, I would like you to continue dating Leonard.

(audience laughing)

And also, while we're on the subject, you recently changed your shampoo, and I'm not comfortable with the new scent.

(audience laughing)

Will you please stop this madness and go back to green apple.

(audience laughing)

- Okay, honey, I have a lot to figure out and until I do, you are not to say a word to Leonard.

Do you understand?

- I do.

You clear on the shampoo issue?

- Get out.

(audience laughing)

- Penny.

- What?

- Please don't hurt my friend.

- That is the last thing I want to do.

- Thank you.

- Coconut. What were you thinking? Are you a hula girl?

- Get out!

(audience laughing)

- [Howard] Raj, stop!

- What are you doing here?

- Look, if you're getting on that plane because you love Anu and you can't stand the thought of spending another day without her, then go.

If not, then stay here with the people who love you.

- Well, what if this is my last chance at marriage and family?

- I promise you it's not.

Believe me, somewhere out there is a woman who loves cooking shows and sweater vests and all the other dumb things you love.

(audience laughing)

- You really think so?

- Yes.

And I don't think she's waiting for you in England.

When you propose to someone in Notting Hill, it should be to someone who knows what that movie is.

- I was under a misapprehension that my accomplishments were mine alone.

Nothing could be further from the truth.

I have been encouraged, sustained, inspired, and tolerated, not only by my wife, but by the greatest group of friends anyone ever had.

Howard, Bernadette, Raj, Penny, Leonard.

I apologize if I haven't been the friend you deserve, but I want you to know: in my way, I love you all.

(gentle guitar strumming)

And I love you.

Thank you.

(audience applauding, gentle music fading)