one may wonder with some urgency why, in cases that range from the regrettable to the truly tragic, the process can go so wrong.

人們可能會急切地想知道為什麼，在從令人遺憾到真正悲劇的案例中，這個過程可能出錯。

Why do some parents, who might in other areas be decent and thoughtful characters fail so badly at being able to love the small people they have brought into the world?

為什麼一些父母，在其他方面可能是正派和體貼的人物，卻在關愛他們帶到世上的小孩子方面表現得如此糟糕？

Among the many possibilities, two stand out in particular.

在眾多的可能性中，有兩個特別突出。

The first stems from one of the most obvious and unavoidable features of early childhood: an infant arrives on earth in an entirely and almost shockingly vulnerable state. 

第一種源自於一個最幼兒期的明顯和不可避免的特點：嬰兒來到地球上時，是處於一個完全且令人震驚的脆弱狀態。

It cannot move its own head, it is utterly reliant on others, it has no understanding of any of its  organs, it is in a penumbra of chaos and mystery.  

它不能移動自己的頭，它完全得依賴他人生存，它對自己的任何器官都不瞭解，它處於混亂和神祕之中。

In such helpless circumstances, it must look up to others and beseech them for their mercy:  

在這種無助的情況下，它必須仰賴他人，懇求他們的憐憫。

it must ask them to bring it  nourishment, to stroke its head, to bathe its limbs, to comfort it after a feed, to make sense of its fury and sadness.

它必須要求他們給它帶來營養、撫摸它的頭、沐浴它的四肢、在餵食後安慰它、使它的憤怒和悲傷有意義。

To most people, all this is just extremely sweet. 

對大多數人來說，這一切只是極其甜蜜的。

But in order to take care of a very small person, an adult is forced to undertake a very particular kind of emotional manoeuvre, one which happens so intuitively and speedily in most of us.

但是為了照顧一個非常小的人，一個成年人被迫進行一種非常特殊的情感操作，一個非常直覺性且迅速的反應。

We tend not even to notice it unfolding. We are required to access our own memories of ourselves at whatever age our young and tender child happens to be, in order that we can then more precisely deliver to it the care and attention it needs.

我們甚至往往不會注意到它發生了。為了使我們能夠更準確地提供給小孩所需要的照顧和關注，我們必須能掌握自己和它同歲時的記憶。

Most adults have no problem connecting with the child version of ourselves.

大多數成年人與孩童版本的自己聯繫起來沒有問題。

But this ability is far from natural or spontaneous: it is a function of health and a consequence of a degree of emotional privilege.

但這種能力是遠非自然或自發的：它是一種健康的功能，也是一定程度上情感特權的結果。

For a more disadvantaged sort of parent however, unbeknownst to themselves, the task of care-via-identification is overwhelmingly challenging.

然而，對於那些處境更為不利的父母來說，他們自己都不知道，通過辨識進行關心的任務具有壓倒性的挑戰性。

Somewhere in themselves, a wall has been built, many metres thick and topped with razor wire, between their child and adult selves.

在自己心中深處某個地方，在他們的成人和兒童時期間已經建起了一堵牆，厚達數米、頂上裝有刀片的鐵絲網。

Something in their childhoods was so difficult,  they do not and cannot return there imaginatively.

在他們的童年中，有一些事情是如此困難，他們不想，也不能回到那裡，即使是想像的也無法。

Perhaps there was a parent who  died, or who touched them in a way they shouldn't or who left them bereft and humiliated.

也許有一位父母去世了，或者以一種不應該的方式觸動了他們，或者是誰讓他們失去了親人，受到了羞辱。

Things in their childhoods were uncomfortable to such an extent that their whole adult identities have been founded on a thorough refusal ever to re-encounter the helplessness and vulnerability of their early years.

他們童年時發生的事情是不舒服的，以致於他們的整體成人身份認同都建立在徹底拒絕重新遭遇童年時的無助和脆弱的基礎上。

They won't be able to be patient with the little person's clumsiness and confusion, they will have no interest in playing with teddies,

他們不會對小孩的笨拙和混亂有耐心，對他們的孩子玩玩具不感興趣，

they will  think it pathetic how tearful their child has become because a four leaf clover got crumpled or a favorite book has a tear in it.

他們會認為他們的孩子因為一朵四葉草被揉皺了，或者一本最喜歡的書被撕破了而流淚是很可悲的。

They may despite themselves, end up saying 'Don't be so silly' or even 'Stop being so childish'.

他們可能會不由自主地說: 「別這麼傻」，甚至「別這麼幼稚」。

There can follow a second characteristic and associated failing in a parent: unresolved envy.

在父母中可能會出現第二個特徵和相關的挫敗：未解決的羨慕。

However peculiar it can sound, a parent may envy its own child for the possibility that it might have a better childhood than they had, and will unconsciously ensure it won't.

無論聽起來多麼奇怪，父母可能會羨慕自己的孩子可能有一個比他們更好的童年，並且會無意識地確保它不會。

Though ostensibly committed to the care of the child, the parent will struggle against an impulse to inflict against it some of the very same obstacles they faced: the same neglect, the same uncaring school, the same lack of help with their development…

儘管表面上致力於照顧孩子，但父母仍會努力克服一種衝動，試圖對孩子施加一些他們所面臨的相同障礙：同樣的忽視、同樣的冷漠學校環境、同樣缺乏對他們發展的幫助等。

The outward details may have changed, but the emotional impact will be the same.

外在的細節可能是已經改變了，但情感上的影響將是一樣的。

A new generation will suffer afresh.

新一代人將重新遭受痛苦。

In order to parent properly, not only do we need to access our memories of our own childhoods,  

為了正確地養育子女，我們不僅需要重新面對我們自己童年的記憶，

we need to be able to come to terms with our deprivations so as not to feel jealous of those who might have a chance not to endure comparable ones in turn.

我們需要能夠接受自己的匱乏，這樣才不會對那些不用和你經歷一樣痛苦的人感到嫉妒。

But a certain kind of traumatized parent remains at some level identified in their minds as a needy, disappointed child who would find it unbearable that another child had more than they did.

但是，受創傷的父母在某種程度上仍被認為是需要幫助的、失望的孩子，他們無法忍受自己的孩子擁有的比自己更多。

They are like a tormented and tormenting sibling in a disadvantaged household who takes out their pain on someone more helpless, scrupulously making sure that the other child is as sad and lacking as they are.

他們就像一個受折磨的弱勢家庭中的兄弟姐妹，把自己的痛苦發洩在別人身上，小心翼翼地確保另一個孩子和他們一樣悲傷和匱乏。

We cannot help having had the childhoods we had.

我們無法改變自己已經歷的童年。

But if we are planning to have a child, we have a supreme responsibility to ensure that we have a sane relationship to our own pasts:  

但如果我們打算生一個孩子，我們有一個最崇高的責任，確保我們和自己的過去有種理智的關係：

able to access them for reserves of tenderness and empathy, and able not to feel envious of those who do not have to partake in their sufferings.

能夠以同理心跟溫柔細心照料，並且不要對孩子不用經歷痛苦這件事感到嫉妒。

We will be properly grown up when we are in a position to give our offspring the childhood we deserved, not the childhood we had.

當我們能夠給我們的後代一個我們應得的童年，而不是我們曾經擁有過的童年時，我們才能完全長大。