Putting jam in rice.

把果醬加進飯裡·····

(Uncle Roger sobs)

真的有夠噁欸

This is disgusting! Who put jam--

到底誰會放果ㄐ···

(beep)

哈囉~各位姪子姪女們 是我羅傑叔叔喇

Hello, niece and nephew.

今天羅傑叔叔要來看這部影片

It's Uncle Roger.

超多姪子姪女叫我來看一下

Today, Uncle Roger gonna react to this video,

這是一部傑米奧利佛烹飪蛋炒飯的影片

requested by so many niece and nephew out there.

傑米奧利佛是大家公認超專業的廚師

It's Jamie Oliver making egg fried rice.

無人不知無人不曉

Jamie Oliver is professional chef,

所以叔叔覺得這支影片應該會很精采喔

very established.

我去吃過超多他家的餐廳

Everybody know him.

在影片開始前請姪子姪女

So, Uncle Roger think this one is gonna be good.

幫我把讚當成一袋米一樣大力給他SANˋ落

I've been to many of his restaurant.

別讓叔叔不開心嘿 讚給他SANˋ落就對了

Before we start video, niece and nephew,

現在讓我們開始吧!

please smack the like button now,

奧:蛋炒飯，絕對是道經典菜色，而我有一ㄍ···

like you slap a bag of rice.

[暫停](搖頭)

Don't make Uncle Roger sad.

影片才播兩秒我就看到個平底鍋 唉~呀~

Smack like button.

你的炒鍋咧

Now let's start the video.

傑米你是沒有炒鍋是不是啊

- Egg fried rice. It's an absolute classic.

蛋炒飯就是要用炒鍋炒啊

And I've got--

因為你需要炒鍋的[炒鍋氣]

- Two second into video, and I already see sauce pan.

很多人會問叔叔喔:

Āi yā!

[炒鍋氣是撒小啦]

Where your wok?

炒鍋氣就是炒鍋之呼吸啦

Jamie, where your wok?

當你用炒鍋炒菜的時候，炒鍋會賦予食物一種風味

Egg fried rice need to use wok,

去搞個炒鍋過來啦，什麼平底鍋氣沒那種東西啦

because you need the wok hay.

傑米你出版了25本食譜卻一個炒鍋都買不起是嗎

Many people asking Uncle Roger, what is wok hay?

羅傑叔叔免費寄一個給你啦!免煩惱啦傑米

It is the breath of wok.

[播放]奧:我超喜歡做這道菜的

When you cook with wok, the wok give the food flavor.

奧:想做小菜就可以做這道，一點都不困難

Get the wok hay.

但是實際上這更趨近於一道美妙的晚餐，所以[暫停]

No such thing as "saucepan hay."

ಠ_ಠ且慢[回放]

Jamie, you have 25 cookbook, but you can't afford one wok?

奧:想做小菜就可以做這道

Uncle Roger send you one wok for free, Jamie.

ಠ_ಠ

No problem.

傑米你說蛋炒飯是小菜···??

- I absolutely love making this recipe.

小時候黍蜀的馬麻只要炒了蛋炒飯，那就是這餐的主食

Yes, you could do this as a side dish, no trouble at all,

我從來沒跟我媽說過:

but actually it's heading towards being a really beautiful

''欸媽這蛋炒飯只是小菜欸，啊主菜咧''

dinner, so--

''啊所以我說那個主菜呢''

- Wait.

敢這樣講我早就被打死了

- Yes, you can do this as a side dish.

[播放]奧:所以我終於把這些蔥切好，平底鍋也預熱的差不多之後，

- Jamie say egg fried rice is side dish?

奧:我要來加入一湯匙的橄欖油，然ㄏㄡ[暫停]

When Uncle Roger growing up,

撒小?一湯匙的撒···撒小?

when my mom make me egg fried rice, that is the main dish.

[回放]奧:我要來加入一湯匙的橄欖油

I never tell my mom,

[暫停]用橄欖油來炒蛋炒飯???

"Oh mom, this egg fried rice is only side dish.

(((ﾟдﾟ)))

Where the main dish? Where the main dish?"

到底誰會用橄欖油炒蛋炒飯??

I would have been beaten to death.

你ㄊㄇ做沙拉是不是啊

- I finely slice this up,

白人才用橄欖油好嗎

and as this pan gets nice and hot,

根本不適合拿來做蛋炒飯這種亞洲菜

I'm gonna go in with one tablespoon of olive oil--

[播放]奧:然後要來把蔥下鍋，讓它們爆香的吱吱作響

- One tablespoon of... of what?

[暫停]不對不對不對，不對!

- I'm gonna go in with one tablespoon of olive oil--

蔥是裝飾用的欸，ㄓㄨㄤ裝ㄕˋ飾

- Olive oil for egg fried rice?

要最後加蔥才對啦 誰在那邊跟你第一個下鍋啦

Who use olive oil for egg fried rice?

唉~~~呀~~~

What, are you making salad?

[播放]奧:讓它們爆香的吱吱作響

Olive oil is like white-people oil.

[暫停]不是啊你別爆香蔥啊

Not suitable for Asian dishes like egg fried rice.

沒有人在爆香蔥的啦

- And I'm gonna go straight in with the onions,

蔥爆香之後就皺掉了，

and we'll get them sizzlin' straight away.

ㄓㄡˋ皺ㄉ一ㄠˋ掉

- No, no, no, no, no.

你要爆香蒜頭啊 第一步先下蒜頭啊

Spring onion is garnish!

[崩潰]

It's garnish!

前三步已經全做錯了

You put spring onion as the last thing in your meal,

我以為你專業的捏，你還開網站還有其他什麼洨的

not the first thing in the frying pan!

羅傑叔叔連網站都沒有就已經知道你他媽全搞砸了

Āi yā!

[播放]奧:然後這有幾包即食米，當然你可以ㄓㄨˇ

- We'll get them sizzlin' straight away.

[暫停](哩喜勒工三碗糕小)

- No, you don't sizzle spring onion!

即食······???????(つд⊂)

Nobody sizzle spring onion!

這位老兄開了不知道幾間餐廳，卻懶得自己煮鍋飯??

If you cook spring onion now, it will wilt.

即食飯???????

It wilt!

想像一下你去日式餐廳點了一碗拉麵

This should be garlic!

然後主廚泡了一碗泡麵端出來給你，

First step should be garlic!

這就是這位老兄現在幹的好事

(Uncle Roger sighs)

[播放]奧:···煮自己的飯，煮白飯12分鐘，但如果要炒飯就得先把飯瀝乾然後冷藏

This first three step all wrong already.

[暫停](欲止又言)痾······

I thought you professional chef!

冷藏的部分是講對了啦

You have website and everything!

但是瀝···拜託不要瀝乾

Uncle Roger don't even have website,

羅傑叔叔之前的影片已經嘴過一個Hersha阿姨在那邊瀝乾米飯了，1千2百萬觀看了

and Uncle Roger know you fucked up.

不，要，瀝，乾，米，飯

- And then I've got some packet pre-cooked rice.

但冷藏這個部分是對的

Yes, you can cook your--

這影片播了45秒，這老兄終於說對了一件事

- Packet?

[播放]奧:所以這對我來說比較省事。你已經能聽到滋滋作響的聲音···

This guy owns so many restaurant,

[暫停]你聽到滋滋響，我只聽到我的祖先在哭啊

and he still can't be bothered to make his own rice!

[播放]奧:所以這平底鍋又快又熱又狂，

Packet rice!

奧:我們就把他丟到一旁，好了然ㄏ···

Imagine if you go to Japanese restaurant

[暫停]喔!羅傑叔叔有不祥的預感喔

and you ask for noodle,

他從這個抽屜拿材料出來

and the chef gives you instant noodle.

而這個抽屜看起來太''白''了

That is what this guy is doing!

因為正宗的亞洲菜材料沒人裝在罐子裡的

- ...own rice, white rice, 12 minutes,

你有注意過嗎

but for stir-fried rice, you have to drain it

正宗的亞洲菜材料都裝在塑膠袋裡或者裝得很隨便

and chill it.

包裝的這麼好看，好看的罐子啊、好看的袋子，

- Uh...

肯定不是正宗的亞洲菜材料喇

You have to chill it, he correct.

[播放]奧:下一個材料，這我在家都常備一個，辣椒果醬

But drain? Don't drain rice.

[暫停]就說吧，肯定不是正宗的亞洲菜材料

Uncle Roger make a whole video,

他拿辣椒果醬是要衝三小 我們就來看看啊

12 million view now,

[播放]奧:料理好幫手，夠辣又甜甜的能幫食物上點光···

of Auntie Hersha draining rice.

不要不要不要不要不要不要RRRRR

Don't drain rice.

把果醬加進飯裡·····

But chill rice? Correct.

真的有夠噁欸

45 seconds in, first thing he got correct.

到底誰會放果ㄐ···

- So for me, that feels like a good cheat.

首先，辣椒果醬到底是撒小??

You can hear it sizzling.

羅傑叔叔聽過辣椒、辣椒油、辣椒粉

- You hear sizzling? I hear my ancestors crying.

但就從沒聽過撒小辣椒果醬

- It's fast, it's hot, it's furious.

這就是招待白人吃辣椒的方式嗎

We're just going to toss it around.

給他們新鮮辣椒他們就在那邊:

Right, the next--

''不不不我不喜歡吃辣椒欸''

- Oh, Uncle Roger don't like the look of this.

給他們辣椒果醬又在那邊:

He taking ingredient from this drawer,

"歐嗚~"( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

and this drawer looks so white,

炒飯用辣椒果醬真的有夠詭異的啦

because Asian ingredient never come in jar!

傑米你聽過是拉差辣椒醬嗎

You ever noticed that?

這才是正港亞洲辣醬啦，用這個

Asian ingredient always come in plastic bag

別再用撒小果醬了

or bad packaging.

你接下來要加啥，花生醬嗎

If your packaging look this nice,

好喔 那乾脆做個花生果醬三明治蛋炒飯好啦

nice jar, nice bag over there,

一個主廚拍個做菜教學影片是能搞砸多少事情啊

that is not Asian ingredient.

唉~~~呀~~~

- ...next ingredient.

[播放]奧:加進兩茶匙然後再開始甩鍋

I have this in my home all the time now.

[暫停]看起來好像甩得很賣力但是根本沒甩啥起來嘛

Chili jam--

姿勢一百落地零分

- What I tell you?

[播放]奧:這會讓每顆米粒的顏色更好看，

It's not Asian ingredient!

奧:金光閃閃瑞氣千條，

What he doing with chili jam?

奧:然後再把它拿去加一點點水

Let's see.

但壘，哩工撒小?[暫停]

- Brilliant for cooking.

[他剛剛是說加水嗎是在說那個加水是嗎就是把水加進去煮到一半的飯裡面的那個加水]

It's got heat, but it's also got the sweetness,

不是啊[嘆氣]

and it's going to kind of glaze--

你煮飯煮到一半你加水是喔齁齁齁齁

- Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

羅傑叔叔說得好: 如果你的飯煮太濕

Putting jam in rice?

你他媽已經搞砸了

(Uncle Roger sobs)

啊如果你的飯煮太乾，你他媽還是一樣搞砸

This is disgusting!

[播放]奧:到了這個階段 只要把飯像這樣推到鍋子邊緣

Who put jam--?

奧:然後我們要直接朝中央打兩個放山雞蛋進去

First of all, what is chili jam?

好喔

Uncle Roger know fresh chili, chili oil, chili flake.

[暫停]好喔，這蛋看起來不錯，還行還行

Never heard of chili jam.

[播放]奧:終於要放最後一個原料了，這對很多ㄖ···

Is this how you trick white people to eating chili?

[暫停]他手又伸過去那個櫃子了，

You give them fresh chili, they go,

所以羅傑叔叔覺得肯定沒啥好事

"No, no, no. I don't actually like chili."

羅傑叔叔就是賭爛那個櫃子

Give them chili jam, and they go,

我在想那個櫃子根本不是給蛋炒飯用的

"Oh!"

可能拍攝期間製作組放錯櫃子了吧

Chili jam is so weird thing to use.

然後傑米在那邊:

Jamie, do you know about sriracha?

"靠腰啊你們擺錯櫃子了啦 啊現在怎麼辦"

This is Asian chili. Just use this!

啊拍攝單位就在那邊"關我屁事"

No need to use jam!

"裡面有啥你就將就唄"

What are you going to put in there next, peanut butter?

[播放]奧:···人來說算是蠻新奇的材料---豆腐

Okay, what are you, going to make PB&J egg fried rice?

豆---?[怕]

How many thing can a chef get wrong in one video?

奧:絹豆腐

Āi yā!

豆腐!?!?!?[暫停]

- Two nice teaspoons go in to our pan,

這豆腐怎麼裝在鋁箔包裡啊

and then just start tossing again.

這豆腐是麥O賣的是嗎

- He toss very po, but he toss all the wrong stuff.

羅傑叔叔去亞洲市場買豆腐的時候 豆腐都裝在塑膠盒裡 用保鮮膜包起來的

All style, no substance.

沒有豆腐長得像O香紅茶的啦

- That'll start to coat every single rice grain,

你是要插根吸管把它喝了嗎

and it will shine in the most beautiful way.

[播放]奧:···你要做的就是把這些豆腐捏碎

And then just give it a little splash of water.

羅傑:[慘遭折磨]不···不要RRR

- Wait, what?

(爆音警告)不要RRRRRRRRR

What?

(放)

No!

我看的腿都從椅子上放下來了

(Uncle Roger sighs)

你就好像海倫阿姨揉碎了我的心一樣把這豆腐捏爆

In the middle of cooking, you put water!

亞洲人在料理豆腐的時候

(Uncle Roger sighs)

豆腐要維持原狀才敢端出去給客人吃

Uncle Roger say if your rice too wet, you fucked up.

這影片敢不敢再給我悲哀一點

But if your rice too dry, you also fucked up.

他浪費了青蔥、

- At this stage,

還把乾掉的飯拿去弄濕、

just push the rice up the side of the pan like that,

他現在還把一塊好好的豆腐像紙一樣揉爛

and then straight into the middle,

(僥倖喔)

we're going to crack in two beautiful free-range eggs.

羅傑叔叔快撐不下去了

(egg cracks)

這影片壓抑感實在太重了

- Okay.

[播放]奧:我想要大塊豆腐，也想要小塊豆腐

Okay. The egg look good, egg look good.

奧:所以···這道炒飯的優點就在於他···

- Then it's time for the last ingredient,

···有點隨便

which again, to a lot of pe--

(氣)[暫停]

- He reaching for that shelf again.

公沙小!?

So, Uncle Roger don't think it's gonna end well.

他剛剛公沙小!?!?

Uncle Roger just don't like that shelf.

[回放]奧:這道炒飯的優點就在於他···有點隨便

I think it's wrong shelf for egg fried rice.

隨便可不是什麼誇獎捏

Maybe during filming, they put the wrong shelf there,

假設有天你煮東西給朋友吃

and Jamie's like, "Oh shit!

你朋友吃完後說:"你的食物怎麼煮的這麼隨便啊蛤"

You brought the wrong shelf. What I do now?"

傑米會覺得"天ㄚ很隨便ㄉ意思是好吃的要開餐廳了ㄇ"

And the filming people are like,

[播放]奧:用一點鹽調味，再把他甩幾次鍋然ㄏ

"We don't care. Just use whatever in the shelf."

[暫停]又用鹽啊不用味精

- ...people is a bit of a new ingredient.

但是黍蜀已經講太多次懶得講了

Tofu.

[播放]奧:讓炒飯混和均勻，我們就能端上桌了

- To--! - Firm, silken tofu.

奧:拿個碗、

- Tofu!

奧:加點油---

Why your tofu in juice box?

[暫停]這傢伙對橄欖油的熱愛 就跟Hersha阿姨愛濾網差不多

Who make your tofu, Capri Sun?

他什麼都要抹一點橄欖油欸

When Uncle Roger buy tofu at Asian market,

你是不是都用橄欖油洗澡啊

always come in plastic bag, plastic-seal wrapping.

別讓傑米幫你馬殺雞

No tofu look like juice box!

他會在你身上抹橄欖油喔

What, are you gonna poke straw and drink your tofu?

[播放]奧:···賞心悅目又像街邊小吃，

- 50 grams.

奧:這真是美妙極了；通常這種食物不太健康

And what you can do is just break this up.

奧:但這是用健康的方法做的

- No! No!

[暫停]如果健康等於噁心，那傑米你還真是對極了

- And as that cooks-- - No!

[播放] 奧:你可以把他當成一頓正餐···

No!

[暫停]這飯看起來真的是有夠濕的

(record scratches)

你看看，都能用這米來照鏡子了

(in slow-motion) No!

花木蘭看到這碗飯都要開始唱歌了

He make Uncle Roger put my leg down from chair!

[播放] 奧:···滑順又好吃，看著又賞心悅目

Breaking tofu like how Auntie Helen pick Uncle Roger!

奧:作這道菜真的很有趣

Asian cooking, when you cook tofu,

[暫停](奄奄一息)

you preserve the whole shape of tofu

[神威!]

and serve to customer.

傑米可是個專業主廚欸

This video, so many sad thing happening.

還有能耐把每個步驟都搞砸

He waste the spring onion,

這傢伙是討厭米還是怎樣

he wet the rice,

他還對米做過什麼事啊

and now he tear apart the tofu like paper.

(查詢中)

(rain pouring)

"傑米·奧利佛的'牙買加烤飯'被指控文化挪用"

I don't know if Uncle Roger can go on.

喔~我想這傢伙純粹是討厭米飯吧

This depression is too much.

或可能是他有受馬鈴薯公司贊助吧

- [Jamie] I want chunks of egg and I want little bits.

米和馬鈴薯可是大敵啊

So, the nice thing about this stir-fried rice

叔叔一點都不喜歡這個傑米奧利佛的食譜

is it's kind of random.

太濕了、又不加蒜頭、又不加味精

- What he say?

還把豆腐捏爆、還不用炒鍋

What he say?

大錯特錯!

- [Jamie] The nice thing about this stir-fried rice

想看到更多的影片就請訂閱羅傑叔叔的頻道

is it's kind of random.

下次見囉，掰掰~~~

- Random is not compliment!

You make food for your friend one day and your friend say,

"Why your food so random?"

And Jamie say, "Oh my God, so random!

Gonna start restaurant!"

- Season with a little salt,

give it a little toss to--

- Salt, again, no MSG.

But Uncle Roger talk about MSG too many video now.

- Mix it all up, and then we're ready to serve.

Get a bowl.

Put a little oil.

- This guy love olive oil like how

Auntie Hersha love colander.

He put olive oil on everything.

Do you shower with olive oil also?

Don't go get massage from Jamie Oliver.

He will put olive oil on your body.

- ...nice dish is and that kind of street food,

which is beautiful.

It's often associated with being unhealthy.

This has been made to be healthy.

- If by healthy you mean disgusting,

then Jamie, you are right.

- ...you can have that as a meal.

I think it's the time to have a little--

- This rice look so wet.

Look at this.

You can see your reflection inside.

Mulan's gonna start singing when she see this rice.

- It's so silky and delicious.

Looks fantastic.

And it's really good fun to make.

(Uncle Roger sighs)

- Jamie is professional chef,

all the step he mess up.

Does this guy hate rice or something?

What else have he done with rice?