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  • When I was in my 20s,

    二十多歲時

  • I saw my very first psychotherapy client.

    我見到我第一位心理治療病患

  • I was a Ph.D. student in clinical psychology at Berkeley.

    我當時是柏克萊大學臨床心理學博士生

  • She was a 26-year-old woman named Alex.

    她是名叫Alex的26歲女子

  • Now Alex walked into her first session

    Alex第一次前來會談時

  • wearing jeans and a big slouchy top,

    穿著牛仔褲和寬大上衣

  • and she dropped onto the couch in my office

    她一屁股坐在我辦公室的沙發上

  • and kicked off her flats

    踢掉她的平底鞋

  • and told me she was there to talk about guy problems.

    告訴我她想談談她和男人的問題

  • Now when I heard this, I was so relieved.

    聽見這句話時,我感到如釋重負

  • My classmate got an arsonist for her first client.

    因為我同學的第一位病人是個縱火犯

  • (Laughter)

    (笑聲)

  • And I got a twentysomething who wanted to talk about boys.

    我的不過是想聊聊男人的年輕女子

  • This I thought I could handle.

    我以為我能搞定這件事

  • But I didn't handle it.

    事實卻不然

  • With the funny stories that Alex would bring to session,

    聽著Alex在會談中所說的有趣故事

  • it was easy for me just to nod my head

    對我來說十分輕鬆,只需點頭

  • while we kicked the can down the road.

    避而不談真正的問題

  • "Thirty's the new 20," Alex would say,

    「三十歲不就是再活一次二十歲嘛」Alex說

  • and as far as I could tell, she was right.

    就我當時的想法,她說的沒錯

  • Work happened later, marriage happened later,

    工作、結婚都是之後的事

  • kids happened later, even death happened later.

    孩子是之後的事,甚至死亡也是之後的事

  • Twentysomethings like Alex and I had nothing but time.

    像 Alex 和我這樣二十歲世代的年輕人,有的是時間

  • But before long, my supervisor pushed me

    但不久後,指導教授催促我

  • to push Alex about her love life.

    督促 Alex 積極面對她的戀愛關係

  • I pushed back.

    我不以為然

  • I said, "Sure, she's dating down,

    我說,「沒錯,她有固定約會對象」

  • she's sleeping with a knucklehead,

    「她和一個蠢蛋上床」

  • but it's not like she's going to marry the guy."

    「但不代表她會和那個傢伙結婚」

  • And then my supervisor said,

    於是指導教授說

  • "Not yet, but she might marry the next one.

    「目前是如此,但或許她會和下一個蠢蛋結婚」

  • Besides, the best time to work on Alex's marriage

    「此外,Alex 經營婚姻的最佳時機」

  • is before she has one."

    「就是在她結婚前」

  • That's what psychologists call an "Aha!" moment.

    這就是心理學家所謂的「啊哈!」時刻

  • That was the moment I realized, 30 is not the new 20.

    那一刻,我領悟到你無法等到三十歲,再重頭過二十歲的生活

  • Yes, people settle down later than they used to,

    沒錯,人們比以往更晚成家立業

  • but that didn't make Alex's 20s a developmental downtime.

    但不代表 Alex 的二十歲是她的發展停滯期

  • That made Alex's 20s a developmental sweet spot,

    而是 Alex 的最佳發展時機

  • and we were sitting there blowing it.

    我們卻坐視這段時光白白流逝

  • That was when I realized that this sort of benign neglect

    此時我才明白善意的忽視

  • was a real problem, and it had real consequences,

    確實是個問題,而且會有嚴重的後果

  • not just for Alex and her love life

    不僅對 Alex 和她的愛情生活來說如此

  • but for the careers and the families and the futures

    對所有二十歲世代年輕人的

  • of twentysomethings everywhere.

    事業、家庭和未來亦然

  • There are 50 million twentysomethings

    目前美國有五千萬名

  • in the United States right now.

    二十歲世代人口

  • We're talking about 15 percent of the population,

    大約佔總人口的15%

  • or 100 percent if you consider

    或者說100%,如果考慮到

  • that no one's getting through adulthood

    任何邁入成年期的人

  • without going through their 20s first.

    都曾經歷過二十多歲這個年紀

  • Raise your hand if you're in your 20s.

    現場二十多歲的請舉手

  • I really want to see some twentysomethings here.

    我非常希望在現場見到二十多歲的聽眾

  • Oh, yay! Y'all's awesome.

    太好了!你們都棒極了

  • If you work with twentysomethings, you love a twentysomething,

    如果你和二十歲世代年輕人共事你或是你的交往對象二十多歲

  • you're losing sleep over twentysomethings, I want to see

    或者是你非常關心二十歲世代我想知道你們在哪-

  • Okay. Awesome, twentysomethings really matter.

    好,棒極了二十歲的這個世代真的很重要

  • So I specialize in twentysomethings because I believe

    因此我專門研究二十歲這個世代

  • that every single one of those 50 million twentysomethings

    因為我認為這五千萬名二十多歲年輕人中的每一位

  • deserves to know what psychologists,

    都該知道心理學家

  • sociologists, neurologists and fertility specialists

    社會學家、神經學家及生育專家

  • already know:

    都知道的事

  • that claiming your 20s is one of the simplest,

    二十歲的這個世代是最單純

  • yet most transformative, things you can do

    也最具可塑性的階段

  • for work, for love, for your happiness,

    對工作、愛情和幸福來說

  • maybe even for the world.

    也許甚至對全世界來說

  • This is not my opinion. These are the facts.

    這並非我個人的觀點,而是事實

  • We know that 80 percent of life's most defining moments

    我們知道,人生中 80% 最具決定性的時刻

  • take place by age 35.

    發生於35歲前

  • That means that eight out of 10 of the decisions

    這意味著10個中有8個

  • and experiences and "Aha!" moments

    塑造你人生的決定、經歷

  • that make your life what it is

    和「啊哈!」時刻

  • will have happened by your mid-30s.

    發生於30歲中旬前

  • People who are over 40, don't panic.

    超過40歲的人別慌

  • This crowd is going to be fine, I think.

    我想在座的各位應該沒問題

  • We know that the first 10 years of a career

    我們知道一份職業的最初十年

  • has an exponential impact

    有舉足輕重的影響

  • on how much money you're going to earn.

    對你未來的收入而言

  • We know that more than half of Americans

    我們知道半數以上的美國人

  • are married or are living with or dating

    30歲前結婚、同居或約會的對象

  • their future partner by 30.

    就是你未來的終生伴侶

  • We know that the brain caps off its second

    我們知道大腦在二十多歲這個年紀會歷經第二次

  • and last growth spurt in your 20s

    及最後一次成長高峰

  • as it rewires itself for adulthood,

    以轉型為成人期

  • which means that whatever it is you want to change about yourself,

    這意味著無論你打算如何改變自己

  • now is the time to change it.

    此刻正是最佳時機

  • We know that personality changes more during your 20s

    我們知道性格在二十多歲這個年紀的變化

  • than at any other time in life,

    勝於人生其他階段

  • and we know that female fertility peaks at age 28,

    我們知道女性生育高峰期是28歲

  • and things get tricky after age 35.

    35歲後則每況愈下

  • So your 20s are the time to educate yourself

    因此二十年華正是瞭解自我

  • about your body and your options.

    身體狀況及選擇的最佳時機

  • So when we think about child development,

    因此當我們談到兒童發展

  • we all know that the first five years are a critical period

    我們都知道最初五年是關鍵期

  • for language and attachment in the brain.

    對大腦的語言和情感依附發展來說

  • It's a time when your ordinary, day-to-day life

    這是日常生活

  • has an inordinate impact on who you will become.

    對未來發展影響甚鉅的階段

  • But what we hear less about is that there's such a thing

    但我們較少聽說的是所謂的「成人發展」

  • as adult development, and our 20s

    二十歲的這個年紀

  • are that critical period of adult development.

    正是成人的發展關鍵期

  • But this isn't what twentysomethings are hearing.

    但很少有二十多歲的年輕人聽說過這件事

  • Newspapers talk about the changing timetable of adulthood.

    報紙談論的總是成人階段的變化

  • Researchers call the 20s an extended adolescence.

    研究人員稱二十歲世代為青春期的延續

  • Journalists coin silly nicknames for twentysomethings

    新聞記者賦予二十歲世代一些愚蠢的綽號

  • like "twixters" and "kidults."

    例如「啃老族」和「大孩子」

  • It's true.

    確實如此

  • As a culture, we have trivialized what is actually

    文化使然,我們輕忽了

  • the defining decade of adulthood.

    成人階段的決定性十年

  • Leonard Bernstein said that to achieve great things,

    倫納德‧伯恩斯坦(著名指揮家)說,欲達成偉大成就

  • you need a plan and not quite enough time.

    需要一個計畫和不甚充裕的時間

  • Isn't that true?

    事實不就是這樣嗎?

  • So what do you think happens

    因此你認為會發生什麼事

  • when you pat a twentysomething on the head and you say,

    當你拍著一位二十歲世代年輕人的頭說

  • "You have 10 extra years to start your life"?

    「你的人生還有十年才開始」

  • Nothing happens.

    什麼也不會發生

  • You have robbed that person of his urgency and ambition,

    你剝奪了那個人的迫切感和雄心

  • and absolutely nothing happens.

    不會發生任何結果

  • And then every day, smart, interesting twentysomethings

    日復一日地這些聰明有趣的二十歲世代

  • like you or like your sons and daughters

    如同你們或你們的子女

  • come into my office and say things like this:

    前來我辦公室說類似以下的話

  • "I know my boyfriend's no good for me,

    「我知道我男友不適合我」

  • but this relationship doesn't count. I'm just killing time."

    「但這段感情不能當真,只是打發時間罷了」

  • Or they say, "Everybody says as long as I get started

    或是,「每個人都說,我只要」

  • on a career by the time I'm 30, I'll be fine."

    「在30歲前展開事業就沒問題」

  • But then it starts to sound like this:

    但之後他們開始這麼說:

  • "My 20s are almost over, and I have nothing to show for myself.

    「我二字頭的人生即將結束但我卻一事無成」

  • I had a better resume the day after I graduated from college."

    「我最好從大學畢業那天就開始投履歷表」

  • And then it starts to sound like this:

    然後他們開始這麼說:

  • "Dating in my 20s was like musical chairs.

    「二十多歲時的約會就像玩大風吹」

  • Everybody was running around and having fun,

    「大家四處遊蕩、樂在其中」

  • but then sometime around 30 it was like the music turned off

    「但30歲左右音樂逐漸停止」

  • and everybody started sitting down.

    「大家開始就座」

  • I didn't want to be the only one left standing up,

    「我不想成為唯一站著的人」

  • so sometimes I think I married my husband

    「因此有時我覺得和丈夫結婚」

  • because he was the closest chair to me at 30."

    「只因為他是30歲時離我最近的椅子」

  • Where are the twentysomethings here?

    我們當中二十幾歲的年輕人們?

  • Do not do that.

    千萬別這麼做

  • Okay, now that sounds a little flip, but make no mistake,

    好,聽起來像是說笑,但別誤會

  • the stakes are very high.

    其中的風險極大

  • When a lot has been pushed to your 30s,

    當許多事延宕到三十歲的時候

  • there is enormous thirtysomething pressure

    將造成三十歲世代極大的壓力

  • to jump-start a career, pick a city, partner up,

    展開事業、選擇居住地、尋找伴侶

  • and have two or three kids in a much shorter period of time.

    在極短時間內生兩三個孩子

  • Many of these things are incompatible,

    這些事大多無法同時兼顧

  • and as research is just starting to show,

    如近期研究結果顯示

  • simply harder and more stressful to do

    在三十世代同時完成這些事

  • all at once in our 30s.

    難度和壓力將變得更大

  • The post-millennial midlife crisis

    千禧年後的中年危機

  • isn't buying a red sports car.

    不在於是否買輛紅色跑車

  • It's realizing you can't have that career you now want.

    而在於意識到無法擁有目前想要的事業

  • It's realizing you can't have that child you now want,

    在於意識到無法生出這時候所想要的孩子

  • or you can't give your child a sibling.

    或無法替孩子生出兄弟姊妹

  • Too many thirtysomethings and fortysomethings

    太多三十歲世代及四十歲世代的人

  • look at themselves, and at me, sitting across the room,

    看看自己然後望著坐在房間另一頭的我

  • and say about their 20s,

    開始談論起他們的二十歲生活

  • "What was I doing? What was I thinking?"

    「我當時在做什麼?在想什麼?」

  • I want to change what twentysomethings

    我希望改變二十歲世代的

  • are doing and thinking.

    做法和想法

  • Here's a story about how that can go.

    以下是關於如何著手的故事

  • It's a story about a woman named Emma.

    這是關於一位名叫Emma的女子的故事

  • At 25, Emma came to my office

    25歲時,Emma來到我辦公室

  • because she was, in her words, having an identity crisis.

    因為她-根據她的說法-她正經歷身份危機

  • She said she thought she might like to work in art

    她說她認為自己或許想從事藝術

  • or entertainment, but she hadn't decided yet,

    或娛樂工作,但尚未下定決心

  • so she'd spent the last few years waiting tables instead.

    因此過去幾年她暫時擔任餐飲服務生

  • Because it was cheaper, she lived with a boyfriend

    為了省錢,她和男友同居

  • who displayed his temper more than his ambition.

    他展現脾氣的能力更勝於雄心

  • And as hard as her 20s were,

    儘管她的二十歲生活充滿艱辛

  • her early life had been even harder.

    她之前的生活更是困難重重

  • She often cried in our sessions,

    她經常於會談中哭泣

  • but then would collect herself by saying,

    但恢復平靜後,她說

  • "You can't pick your family, but you can pick your friends."

    「你無法選擇家庭,但可以選擇朋友」

  • Well one day, Emma comes in

    某天,Emma走進辦公室

  • and she hangs her head in her lap,

    把頭倚在膝蓋上

  • and she sobbed for most of the hour.

    哭了將近一個小時

  • She'd just bought a new address book,

    她剛買了一本新通訊錄

  • and she'd spent the morning filling in her many contacts,

    她花了整個上午填寫連絡人資料

  • but then she'd been left staring at that empty blank

    但接著她茫然地盯著

  • that comes after the words

    以下文字後的空白

  • "In case of emergency, please call ... ."

    「發生緊急情況時,請撥打…」

  • She was nearly hysterical when she looked at me and said,

    她幾乎是歇斯底里地看著我說

  • "Who's going to be there for me if I get in a car wreck?

    「如果出車禍,誰會陪在我身邊?」

  • Who's going to take care of me if I have cancer?"

    「如果得癌症,誰會照顧我?」

  • Now in that moment, it took everything I had

    當時,我費盡心力

  • not to say, "I will."

    才忍住說「我會」的衝動

  • But what Emma needed wasn't some therapist

    但 Emma 需要的並非一位

  • who really, really cared.

    對她關懷備至的治療師

  • Emma needed a better life, and I knew this was her chance.

    Emma 需要更好的生活我知道這是她的機會

  • I had learned too much since I first worked with Alex

    自從治療 Alex 後,我學到很多

  • to just sit there while Emma's defining decade

    我不會坐視 Emma 的決定性十年

  • went parading by.

    白白流逝

  • So over the next weeks and months,

    因此接下來幾週、幾個月中

  • I told Emma

    我告訴 Emma

  • three things that every twentysomething, male or female,

    三件每位二十歲世代年輕人

  • deserves to hear.

    無論男女都該聆聽的忠告

  • First, I told Emma to forget about having an identity crisis

    首先,我要Emma忘了她的身份危機

  • and get some identity capital.

    累積一些身份資本

  • By get identity capital, I mean do something

    至於累積身份資本,我指的是進行某些

  • that adds value to who you are.

    增加自我價值的事

  • Do something that's an investment

    進行某些投資

  • in who you might want to be next.

    以達成理想中的自己

  • I didn't know the future of Emma's career,

    我不知道 Emma 的工作前景

  • and no one knows the future of work, but I do know this:

    沒人知道任何工作的前景但我確實知道這一點:

  • Identity capital begets identity capital.

    身份資本將衍生身份資本

  • So now is the time for that cross-country job,

    因此此時正是接受那份跨國工作

  • that internship, that startup you want to try.

    那份實習職位和你想嘗試的創業的時機

  • I'm not discounting twentysomething exploration here,

    我並非反對二十歲世代進行探索

  • but I am discounting exploration that's not supposed to count,

    但我不贊同無意義的探索

  • which, by the way, is not exploration.

    順帶一提,那並非探索

  • That's procrastination.

    而是浪費時間

  • I told Emma to explore work and make it count.

    我要 Emma 進行有意義的工作探索

  • Second, I told Emma that the urban tribe is overrated.

    其次,我告訴Emma人們高估了城市部落(Urban Tribes)

  • Best friends are great for giving rides to the airport,

    好友是載你去機場的絕佳人選

  • but twentysomethings who huddle together

    但二十世代年輕人常聚集的對象

  • with like-minded peers limit who they know,

    在於志同道合的同齡族群,侷限於相識者

  • what they know, how they think, how they speak,

    彼此知道的事相似的思考模式和說話方式

  • and where they work.

    及工作地點

  • That new piece of capital, that new person to date

    新資本、新約會對象

  • almost always comes from outside the inner circle.

    幾乎總是來自圈外

  • New things come from what are called our weak ties,

    新事物來自我們所謂的弱連結

  • our friends of friends of friends.

    例如朋友的朋友的朋友

  • So yes, half of twentysomethings are un- or under-employed.

    因此-沒錯,半數二十多歲的人並未就業或擁有全職工作

  • But half aren't, and weak ties

    但其中一半並非如此,弱連結正是

  • are how you get yourself into that group.

    使你加入那個族群的方式

  • Half of new jobs are never posted,

    半數新職位不曾公佈

  • so reaching out to your neighbor's boss

    因此接觸鄰居的老闆

  • is how you get that un-posted job.

    正是得到那份未公佈工作的方法

  • It's not cheating. It's the science of how information spreads.

    這並非投機,而是資訊傳播原理

  • Last but not least, Emma believed that

    最後,同樣重要的是,Emma 認為

  • you can't pick your family, but you can pick your friends.

    你無法選擇家庭,但可以選擇朋友

  • Now this was true for her growing up,

    以她的成長經歷來說確實如此

  • but as a twentysomething, soon Emma would pick her family

    但作為一個二十多歲的年輕人 Emma 很快就得選擇自己的家庭

  • when she partnered with someone

    當她和某人結為連理

  • and created a family of her own.

    建立屬於自己的家庭

  • I told Emma the time to start picking your family is now.

    我告訴 Emma 此時正是她選擇家庭的時機

  • Now you may be thinking that 30

    你或許認為30歲是

  • is actually a better time to settle down

    較適當的成家時機

  • than 20, or even 25,

    相較於20歲,甚至25歲

  • and I agree with you.

    我同意這一點

  • But grabbing whoever you're living with or sleeping with

    但套牢某個和你同居或上床的人

  • when everyone on Facebook starts walking down the aisle

    當所有Facebook上的朋友開始步入禮堂時

  • is not progress.

    這並非達成某項進展

  • The best time to work on your marriage

    經營婚姻的最佳時機

  • is before you have one,

    正是結婚前

  • and that means being as intentional with love

    這是指用心看待愛情

  • as you are with work.

    如同看待工作般

  • Picking your family is about consciously choosing

    家庭的選擇是有意識的選擇

  • who and what you want

    選擇你想要的人和生活

  • rather than just making it work or killing time

    而非僅是達成目標或打發時間