welcome, welcome, welcome

歡迎，歡迎，歡迎

"The Tonight Show," everybody.

"今夜秀"，各位。

You're here. I love you!

你來了我愛你！

[ Cheering and applause ]

[歡呼和掌聲]

Ah, feels great.

啊，感覺好極了。

Thank you so much. Let's get to the news.

謝謝你這麼多。讓我們進入新聞。

Well, guys, people are still talking

好了，夥計們，人們還在談論

about President Biden's first press conference

關於拜登總統的首次新聞發佈會

and, by all accounts, he did well

而且，從各方面來看，他做得很好

and there were no major issues.

並且沒有出現大的問題。

And, by "no major issues,"

而且，"沒有重大問題"，

I mean, his dog Major didn't eat anyone's face.

我的意思是，他的狗少校沒有吃任何人的臉。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

One of the big moments from the press conference was

新聞發佈會上的一個重要時刻是

when Biden said he expects to run for reelection in 2024.

時，拜登表示，他預計將在2024年競選連任。

Kamala Harris was like,

卡馬拉-哈里斯就像。

"First he puts me in charge of the border crisis.

"首先他讓我負責邊境危機。

Now, this?

現在，這個？

Hell of a week." [ Laughter ]

地獄的一週。"[笑聲]

Listen, I'm not picking sides, or anything,

聽著，我不是選邊站，或任何東西。

but if it's eight years of falling up airplane stairs

但如果是8年的飛機樓梯摔倒的經歷

and dog attacks, sign me up!

和狗的攻擊，給我報名！

[ Laughter and cheering ] Let's do it!

[笑聲和歡呼聲] 讓我們做吧！

[ Applause ]

[掌聲]

Meanwhile, Fox News is upset

同時，福克斯新聞是不高興

because Biden didn't call on them for a question.

因為拜登沒有叫他們來問話。

-Oh. -They're so hurt,

-哦.-他們很受傷

this morning, they did a show called...

今天早上，他們做了一個節目叫... ...

[ Laughter and applause ]

[笑聲和掌聲]

That's right, Fox is mad that they were left out.

沒錯，福克斯很生氣，他們被排除在外了。

It's kind of like your bully being offended

這就像你的惡霸被冒犯一樣

that he's not invited to your birthday party.

他沒有被邀請參加你的生日聚會。

[ Laughter ] It's like,

[笑] 這就像。

"But I just give you a wedgie this morning."

"但我今天早上只是給你打了個楔子。"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

But Fox News had a lot of very fair questions ready to go.

但福克斯新聞準備了很多非常公平的問題。

Questions like, "Sir,

"先生 "這樣的問題。

how long have you been a lizard person?"

你做蜥蜴人多久了？"

Stuff like that. -Oh.

這樣的事情。-哦

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Well -- -[ Laughs ]

嗯 -- -[笑]

-Illuminati joke, yeah. -Wow. Wow.

-暗示派的笑話，是的。-哇哦哇，哇

-Yeah.

-是的

Well, here's some big tech news.

好吧，這裡有一些重大的科技新聞。

Yesterday, Georgia Republicans built a time machine

昨天，喬治亞州的共和黨人製造了一臺時光機

back to 1875.

回溯到1875年。

Check out their new law.

看看他們的新法。

-The bill signed last night

-昨晚簽署的法案

by Republican Governor Brian Kemp

共和黨州長布萊恩-坎普

is seen by critics

被評論家認為

as a collection of voter suppression tactics.

作為壓制選民策略的集合。

The new law goes so far as to bar volunteers

新法律甚至禁止志願者

from passing out water and snacks

從分發水和點心

to voters standing in lines, lines which are much more likely

選民排隊，而排隊的可能性要大得多。

to be longer in Black neighborhoods.

在黑人社區的時間更長。

[ Booing ]

[噓聲]

-Yeah, the state of Georgia just passed a new law

-是的，喬治亞州剛剛通過了一項新的法律。

that restricts voting, so let's just say the law is so racist,

限制投票，所以我們就說法律是如此的種族主義。

it already has its own warning label on Disney+.

它在Disney+上已經有了自己的警告標籤。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

When you heard about the law, Vladimir Putin was like --

當你聽到這個法律時，弗拉基米爾-普京就像... ...

[ As Putin ] I'm so proud. They learn

我很自豪。他們學習

to rig their own elections.

來操縱自己的選舉。

[ Laughter and applause ]

[笑聲和掌聲]

Teach a man to rig, he will rig for a lifetime.

教一個人鑽機，他會鑽一輩子。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

A lot of people are pointing out how Georgia's governor

很多人都在指出喬治亞州州長如何

signed the bill into law while he was surrounded

簽署了該法案，而他卻被包圍了

by other white guys.

由其他白人。

Take a look at this.

看看這個。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

They're basically set up like bowling pins

基本上都是像保齡球一樣的設置

for Stacey Abrams to knock down.

讓Stacey Abrams擊倒。

[ Cheering and applause ]

[歡呼和掌聲]

[ Drumroll ]

[鼓聲]

[ Cymbals crash ]

[鈸的崩潰]

That looks like if the Proud Boys

這看起來像如果驕傲的男孩

had a 50-year reunion, doesn't it?

有一個50年的團聚，不是嗎？

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Well, guys, the giant cargo ship

好了，夥計們，巨型貨船

is still stuck in the Suez Canal -Oh.

還卡在蘇伊士運河裡--哦。

-Wow. -and, every hour, it's delaying

-哇哦-而且，每隔一小時，就會耽誤一個小時

about $400 million worth of goods.

價值約4億美元的貨物。

You know, the captain's friends are still like,

你知道，隊長的朋友們還像。

"No, honestly, it's not even that bad.

"不，說實話，根本就沒有那麼糟糕。

People aren't really talking about it.

人們並沒有真正談論它。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Just stay off the Internet.

只要遠離互聯網。

Just stay off Twitter.

別在推特上亂跑

In fact, stay off of everything but this phone call, yeah.

事實上，除了這個電話之外，其他的事情都不要管，對。

No one's really talking about it."

沒有人真的在談論它。"

Meanwhile, every 15 minutes, the captain's wife is like,

同時，每隔15分鐘，船長的妻子就像。

"I told you to get off at exit 34."

"我告訴你在34號出口下車。"

[ Laughter and applause ]

[笑聲和掌聲]

You can't fit. You can't fit in the thing.

你不能適應。你不能適應的東西。

[ Laughter and applause ]

[笑聲和掌聲]

First, they tried freeing the ship with a bulldozer.

首先，他們嘗試用推土機解救這艘船。

Can we take a look at that picture again?

我們可以再看一下那張照片嗎？

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Now, they're saying up to 706,000 cubic feet of sand

現在，他們說高達706,000立方英尺的沙子。

will have to be removed to free the ship.

將不得不拆除，以釋放船舶。

But don't worry, this kid's on it,

不過別擔心，這小子正在努力。

so it's going to be perfect.

所以它將是完美的。

[ Laughter and applause ] We got it.

[笑聲和掌聲] 我們得到了它。

Hey, listen to this. A Spirit Airlines flight

嘿，聽這個。一架精神航空公司的飛機

from Cleveland to Los Angeles was diverted

從克利夫蘭到洛杉磯的路被改道。

after a passenger tried

在一名乘客嘗試

to open the emergency exit door mid-flight.

以打開飛行中的緊急出口門。

Don't worry, everyone is fine.

別擔心，大家都很好。

Thankfully, Spirit always makes sure

幸運的是，Spirit總是確保

their doors are Flex Sealed shut.

他們的門是彈性密封關閉的。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Listen, things like this are going to happen

聽著，這樣的事情是會發生的

when the in-flight movie is "Mank."

當機上的電影是 "芒克"。

-Yeah. -Ohh.

-是啊

[ Laughter and applause ]

[笑聲和掌聲]

-"I'll take 'Scoob!,' whatever you got."

-"我要'史酷比'，不管你有什麼。"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Get this -- there was a mystery light show

聽聽這個--有一個神祕的燈光秀。

in the Pacific Northwest last night

昨夜在西北太平洋

and it turned out to be caused by something

而這是由一些東西造成的

pretty unexpected. Check it out.

很意外。看看吧

-At around 9:00, folks from Seattle to Portland

-9點左右，從西雅圖到波特蘭的朋友們...

reported brilliant blazing streaks overhead.

報道說，頭頂上有燦爛的熾熱條紋。

It turns out they were objects

原來他們是對象

of debris from a SpaceX rocket launched a few weeks ago.

的碎片，來自幾周前發射的SpaceX火箭。

-Phew!

-唷！

It's just careening, fiery space debris.

這只是飛來飛去的，熾熱的空間碎片。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

For a second, I was nervous. -Yeah.

有一秒鐘，我很緊張。-是的

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

And, finally, some news from Canada.

最後，還有一些來自加拿大的消息。

A police officer pulled someone over after noticing something

一個警察發現了一個人，把他拉到了路邊。

that didn't look quite right. Watch this.

這看起來不太對。看這個。

-Police in Ontario said an officer

-安大略省的警察說，一名警官

pulled over a motorcyclist whose license plate was homemade

攔下了一輛車牌是自制的摩托車。

and also misspelled.

而且還拼錯了。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

When they took him to jail, the police were like,

當他們把他帶到監獄時，警察就像。

"It's a good thing you like making license plates."

"你喜歡做車牌是件好事。"

-Aw. [ Laughter ]

-啊[笑聲]

-At first, he tried to bribe the police

-起初，他試圖賄賂警察；

by handing them a Post-it note that said "$20" on it.

遞給他們一張寫著 "20元 "的便籤。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Then it got even worse when he handed the officer

然後，當他把軍官交給他的時候，情況就更糟糕了。

his driver's license. Look. There you go.

他的駕照。看吧你看，你去那裡。