My name is Mary Beth, and I am actually living proof

我叫瑪麗-貝絲，其實我就是活生生的證明。

that even self-aware white people are terrible.

即使是有自知之明的白人也很可怕。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

'Cause it's 2021. People are getting woke, right?

因為現在是2021年了人們開始清醒了，對吧？

And I'm from Connecticut, I come from a great family,

而我來自康涅狄格州，我來自一個偉大的家庭。

so I'm, like, constantly checking my privilege.

所以，我一樣，不斷檢查我的特權。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

To make sure it's still there.

為了確保它還在那裡。

'Cause they keep trying to take it, and I'm like, "No."

"因為他們一直想把它， 我想，"沒有。"

I need that, actually."

其實我需要這個。"

My family isn't wealthy. We are comfortable.

我家並不富裕。我們很舒服。

So, how I describe it is, we do belong to a yacht club,

所以，我的描述是，我們確實屬於一個遊艇俱樂部。

but we don't own a yacht.

但我們沒有遊艇

Or another way of thinking about it --

或者換一種思維方式--

I don't have a trust fund to inherit,

我沒有信託基金來繼承。

but I was grandfathered into unlimited data.

但我是祖父到無限數據。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

My parents are super-supportive of my comedy, especially my dad,

我的父母對我的喜劇超級支持，尤其是我的爸爸。

'cause he did standup back in the '70s,

"因為他在70年代就做過單人表演了

and then he took the easy way out and became a surgeon.

然後他走了一條簡單的路，成為一名外科醫生。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

So I guess you could say

所以我想你可以說

we're both in the business of saving lives.

我們都在救人的業務。

[ Cheers and applause ]

[歡呼聲和掌聲]

My mom's just happy I didn't end up in a career

我媽媽很高興我沒有在事業上有所成就。

that would embarrass the family...

那會讓家人很尷尬...

like being a serial killer.

像一個連環殺手。

Or a venture capitalist.

或者是一個風險投資家。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

And they had six kids, my mom and dad.

他們有六個孩子，我的媽媽和爸爸。

Now there's grandkids, and I love my nieces,

現在有孫子了，我愛我的侄女。

but I do have beef with my one nephew.

但我對我的一個侄子有意見。

He's 6 years old.

他已經6歲了

And the other day, he asked my sister-in-law --

有一天，他問我的嫂子 --

He said, "Is Mary Beth my aunt or my cousin?"

他說："瑪麗-貝絲是我的姑姑還是我的表妹？"

And she said, "Mary Beth is your aunt."

她說："瑪麗-貝絲是你的姑姑。"

And he said, "Well, then, why does she always act

他說："那麼，為什麼她總是表現出...

like a child?"

像個孩子？"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Which I thought was pretty rude.

我覺得這很不禮貌

So I ran and told my mom he was bullying me

所以我就跑去跟我媽說他欺負我了

and got him in trouble.

並給他帶來了麻煩。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

[ Applause ]

[掌聲]

I love kids. I really do.

我愛孩子。我真的很喜歡。

I love kids so much, I'm not going to have any.

我太愛孩子了，我不打算生了。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

And whenever I say that, the response is always the same.

而每當我說這句話時，得到的迴應總是一樣的。

People tell me, "You're going to change your mind.

人們告訴我："你要改變主意了。

You're going to change your mind 'cause if you

你會改變你的想法，因為如果你...

never have kids, you'll never know what it's like

不生孩子，你永遠不會知道它是什麼樣子的

to love someone more than you love yourself."

愛一個人勝過愛自己。"

And I was like, "No, that's exactly my point."

我當時想，"不，這正是我的觀點。"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

That would be ideal, actually.

實際上，這將是理想的。

I don't have time for kids anyway.

反正我也沒時間陪孩子。

I have my hands full. I'm dating a 27-year-old.

我有我的手滿。我在和一個27歲的人約會

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

And we met online. He lives in England.

我們是在網上認識的。他住在英國。

So this definitely was not part of my plan.

所以這絕對不是我計劃的一部分。

I always thought if I was going to date a guy,

我一直以為如果我要和一個男人約會。

he'd be really old.

他是真的老了。

Like on death's door. 40 or something.

就像在死亡之門。40歲還是什麼。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

And I just feel like dating an old guy would be really chill

我只是覺得和一個老男人約會會很冷酷。

'cause they're too tired to do anything...

因為他們太累了，什麼都做不了... ...

and the font on their phone is so big,

而他們手機上的字體又是那麼大。

you can read all their texts.

你可以閱讀他們所有的文字。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

[ Applause ]

[掌聲]

I thought of that joke when I was at dinner with my dad.

我和爸爸吃飯的時候就想到了這個笑話。

But he's married.

但他已經結婚了。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

The guy I'm dating is fully British,

我約會的那個人是完全的英國人。

so there's obviously a language barrier.

所以很明顯有語言障礙。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

I've been taking classes, which have been really helpful.

我一直在上課，這對我的幫助很大。

Because up until now, all of my British cultural references

因為直到現在，我所有的英國文化參考資料

were what I learned from the Spice Girls movie.

是我從《辣妹子》電影中學到的。

Turns out England has a rich history

原來英國曆史悠久

of girl groups I never even knew about.

我從不知道的女孩團體。

And things are going well, but I don't know.

事情進展順利，但我不知道。

We're just, like, at different points in our lives.

我們只是，喜歡，在不同的點 在我們的生活。

'Cause he's five hours ahead.

因為他提前了五個小時。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

If you're watching this, baby, go to bed.

如果你在看這個，寶貝，去睡覺。

It's 4 in the morning.

現在是凌晨4點

International travel is suspended right now,

國際旅行現在暫停。

so he's not allowed to come here,

所以他不允許來這裡。

and I know, like, the virus and all that,

我知道，像，病毒和所有的。

but it's annoying, 'cause he's wonderful.

但這很煩人，因為他很好。

And I just know that I've been romantically involved

我只知道我一直在談戀愛

with several people I legally

與我合法的幾個人

shouldn't have been allowed to see.

不應該被允許看到。

The guy who ran marathons comes to mind.

我想到了那個跑馬拉松的人。

Or the guy whose favorite band was The Beatles.

或者那個最喜歡披頭士樂隊的人。

Or how about the guy who texted me two summers ago

或者，如何對人 誰發短信給我兩個夏天前，

at 3 in the morning, "What you up to?"

凌晨三點，"你在做什麼？"

Where were you then, federal government?

你當時在哪裡，聯邦政府？

You didn't want to intervene

你不想插手

when I took a $60 Uber to Brooklyn?

當我坐60美元的Uber去布魯克林的時候？

Slept in a bed with navy-blue sheets and one pillow?

睡在海藍色床單和一個枕頭的床上？

Where -- Where were you?

你... 你去哪了？

But that's all behind me now, and I'm so happy,

但這一切都已經過去了，我很高興。

because after years of hooking up with comedians,

因為經過多年與喜劇演員的勾心鬥角。

I finally found a guy with a real job.

我終於找到了一個有真正工作的人。

He's an actor.

他是個演員

Thank you, guys, so much. I'm Mary Beth.

謝謝你，夥計們，這麼多。我是瑪麗・貝絲。