LATE SHOW," EVERYBODY.

晚間秀"，每個人。

LET'S CHECK IN REAL QUICK WITH A MAN I CAN'T WAIT TO HEAR LIVE

讓我們來看看真正的快速與一個人，我迫不及待地聽到現場。

AGAIN, MR. JON BATISTE.

再一次，JON BATISTE先生。

HELLO, JON.

你好，喬恩。

>> Jon: HELLO, STEPHEN.

>> 喬恩你好，史蒂芬。

WHOO, MY GOODNESS, A WHOLE YEAR.

哇，我的天啊，整整一年了。

>> Stephen: A WHOLE YEAR AGO TOORNT I SAW YOU FOR THE LAST

>> 史蒂芬：一年前，我最後一次見到你。

TIME.

時間。

>> Jon: I KNOW.

>> 喬恩，我知道。我知道。

>> Stephen: I GOT ON MY HOVER CRAFT AND LEFT THE ROOF OF THE

>> 史蒂芬：我騎上我的HOVER CRAFT，離開了屋頂。

THEATER THEATER, AND YOU GOT INTO A PNEUMATIC TUBE AND WERE

劇院劇院，你進入了一個神經管，並被。

SHOT OVER TO BROOKLYN.

鏡頭在布魯克林。

>> Jon: YES.

>> 喬恩。是的。

YOU KNOW, YOU'VE GOT TO PROTECT YOURSELF OUT THERE.

你知道，你必須保護自己在那裡。

IT'S A NEW AGE.

這是一個新的時代。

>> Stephen: YOU DO.

>> 史蒂芬：你是。

WELL, DO YOU HAVE A FIRST SONG YOU WANT TO PLAY WHEN YOU'RE

你有沒有第一首想唱的歌？

BACK IN FRONT OF THE AUDIENCE?

回到觀眾面前？

>> Jon: OH, YEAH, ACTUALLY.

>> 喬恩。哦，是的，實際上。

UH...

呃...

♪♪♪ ( PLAYING IF YOU'RE HAPPY AND

"如果你快樂的話，就去玩吧

YOU KNOW IT ) >> Stephen: JON BATISTE,

你知道的） >> 史蒂芬：JON BATISTE。

EVERYBODY.

每個人。

I HOPE YOU GET TO PLAY IT SOON.

我希望你能儘快玩到它。

THANK YOU, JON.

謝謝你，喬恩。

YOU KNOW, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME CAREFULLY DESIGNING AND SEWING

你知道嗎，我花了很多時間精心設計和縫製。

THE NEWSIEST KIMONOS OUT OF THE MOST BEAUTIFUL, TOPICAL SILK,

最新的和服，從最美麗的主題絲綢中產生。

THEN METICULOUSLY GRINDING AND APPLYING KUMADORI MAKE-UP, ALL

然後細心地研磨和塗抹KUMADORI妝容，所有的人都會有這樣的感覺。

TO STAGE FOR YOU THE ELABORATE KABUKI PERFORMANCE THAT IS MY

為你上演我的歌舞伎表演。

MONOLOGUE.

獨白：

BUT SOMETIMES, I ROUST MY WIFE AND NEIGHBORS AT 3:00 A.M., DOWN

但有時，我在凌晨3點把我的妻子和鄰居們都吵醒了。

A PICKLE JAR OF FLAT WHITE CLAW I SAVE FOR MY "SPECIAL NIGHTS,"

我為我的 "特別的夜晚 "保存了一罐醃製的扁平白蛤。

SHOVE EVERYONE INTO MY LIVING ROOM WITH NOTHING BUT THEIR

把所有人都趕到我的客廳裡，除了他們自己，什麼都沒有。

PAJAMAS AND A BOX OF WIGS I STOLE FROM A FUNERAL HOME, AND

我從殯儀館偷來的睡衣和一盒假髮，還有。

FORCE THEM INTO THE INEBRIATED CHARADES THUNDERDOME OF NEWS

迫使他們進入無知的查爾達斯新聞暴風圈

THAT IS MY SEGMENT: "QUARANTINEWHILE!"

這是我的部門。"QUARANTINEWHILE！"

QUARANTINE-WHILE, THIS WEEKEND, "NEW YORK CITY'S VERY OWN NAKED

夸父--本週末，"紐約市自己的裸體"。

COWBOY WAS ARRESTED FOR PANHANDLING IN FLORIDA."

"牛仔因在佛羅里達州的泛濫行為被逮捕。"

AUTHORITIES APPROACHED HIM WHEN THEY NOTICED PEOPLE WERE PLACING

噹噹局注意到人們正在安置時，就會向他求助。

MONEY INSIDE THE SOUNDHOLE OF HIS GUITAR.

錢在他吉他的音孔內。

A WARNING TO MY VIEWERS.

警告我的觀眾。

IF THIS MAN APPROACHES YOU AND ASKS YOU TO STUFF THINGS IN HIS

如果這個男人走近你，並要求你把東西塞進他的身體裡。

SOUNDHOLE, DO NOT ENGAGE.

聲道，不要參與。

QUARANTINE-WHILE, "DISNEY+ HAS REMOVED ACCESS TO CLASSIC MOVIES

QUARANTINE-WHILE，"DISNEY+已經取消了對經典電影的訪問。

LIKE 'DUMBO' AND 'PETER PAN' FROM MENUS FOR CHILDREN UNDER

像 "DUMBO "和 "PETER PAN "一樣，從菜單中為孩子們準備的。

SEVEN YEARS OLD BECAUSE THEY CONTAIN RACIST STEREOTYPES."

七年前，因為它們包含了種族主義的類型。"

SO...

所以...

CONGRATULATIONS, EIGHT-YEAR-OLDS?

恭喜你，八歲的孩子？

DISNEY KNOWS WHERE TO DRAWN THE LINE.

迪斯尼知道該在哪裡劃線。

BY THE WAY, IF YOU'RE VISITING THE MAGIC KINGDOM, DON'T EVEN

順便說一句，如果你要去魔法王國，千萬別去。

TRY TO ORDER A MOJITO UNTIL YOU'RE 12.

在你12歲之前嘗試訂購一個MOJITO。

QUARANTINE-WHILE, "ONE OF THE WORLD'S LARGEST SWARMS OF GIANT

夸父，"世界上最大的巨型蟲群之一"。

CICADAS IS READY TO RISE BY THE BILLIONS."

蟬是準備崛起的數十億。"

WELL, THAT'S THE MOST TERRIFYING COMBINATION OF WORDS I'VE HEARD

這是我聽過的最恐怖的詞語組合了

IN A WHILE.

在一段時間內。

THE CICADAS ARE SET TO STORM THE EASTERN U.S. AT DENSITIES UP TO

蟬將在美國東部的密度達到暴風驟雨

1.5 MILLION PER ACRE.

每畝150萬。

BUT IF YOU'RE WORRIED ABOUT FLEETS OF GIANT INSECTS COMING

但如果你擔心巨大的蟲群會來的話...

TO EAT YOU, TAKE HEART.

要吃你，就要吃心。

THEY CAME TO HUMP, AND THAT'S IT.

他們來歡呼，就是這樣。

AFTER 17 YEARS UNDERGROUND, EXPERTS SAY "THEY WILL DO IT IN

經過17年的地下工作，專家們說 "他們會在未來的日子裡做到這一點"。

TREES, ON YOUR PATIO, YOUR PORCH, YOUR YARD, YOUR ROOF AND

樹木，在你的露臺，你的門廊，你的院子，你的屋頂，以及。

YOUR CAR."

你的車。"

THE WORST DR. SEUSS BOOK EVER: "HORTON HEARS A WHO-LE BUNCH OF

最糟糕的博士。史上最糟糕的博士書："霍頓聽到了一個WHO-LE BUNCH的

BUGS HAVING SEX."

蟲子做愛。"

"YOU'LL HEAR THEM NEAR.

"你會聽到他們在附近，

YOU'LL HEAR THEM FAR.

你會聽到很遠。

YOU'LL HEAR THEM BONING ON YOUR CAR."

"你會聽到他們在你的車上敲打。"

QUARANTINE-WHILE, IN FINLAND, SCIENTISTS JUST UNVEILED

夸父--在芬蘭，科學家們剛剛揭開了謎底。

SOMETHING CALLED "NETFLIX FOR MONKEYS."

叫做 "猴子的網際網路"。

OR, AS IT'S ALSO KNOWN: "NETFLIX."

或者，它也被稱為："NETFLIX。"

THIS NEW PRIMATE STREAMING SERVICE IS AN EXPERIMENT AT A

這個新的頂級直播服務是一種體驗。

ZOO IN HELSINKI, WHERE RESEARCHERS OUTFITTED THE

研究人員在海爾辛基的動物園裡裝備了這些設備。

WHITE-FACED SAKI MONKEY CAGE WITH A MONITOR WHERE THE ANIMALS

白麵薩基猴籠子裡有一個監視器，動物們在哪裡？

CAN CHOOSE TO STREAM VIDEO FOOTAGE OF THINGS LIKE WORMS,

可以選擇串流視頻鏡頭的東西像蠕蟲。

SEA CREATURES, OTHER ZOO ANIMALS, FOREST SCENES, AND

海洋生物，其他動物園動物，森林景觀，以及。

ABSTRACT ART.

ABSTRACT ART。

BECAUSE IF THERE ARE TWO THINGS I ASSOCIATE WITH MONKEYS, IT'S

因為如果說我對猴子有什麼聯想，那就是：

BANANAS, AND THEIR NUANCED APPRECIATION OF MARK ROTHKO.

BANANAS，以及他們對MARK ROTHKO的NUANCED APECIATION。

QUARANTINE-WHILE, IN "HEY, MAYBE DON'T DO THAT" NEWS,

QUARANTINE -WHILE，在 "嘿，也許不這樣做 "的新聞。

"100-MILLION-YEAR-OLD SEAFLOOR SEDIMENT BACTERIA HAVE BEEN

"1億年前的海床沉積物菌類已被發現

RESUSCITATED."

復甦。"

I'M SORRY, HAS THE CURRENT PANDEMIC LOST YOUR INTEREST?

對不起，目前的PANDEMIC是否失去了你的興趣？

"I GROW BORED OF THIS CORONAVIRUS.

"我厭倦了這個CORONAVIRUS，

UNLEASH THE CONTAGION OF THE ANCIENTS!"

"釋放古人的聯盟！"

IT ALL STARTED WHEN "JAPANESE SCIENTISTS SAILED INTO THE SOUTH

這一切都始於 "日本科學家航海到南方"。

PACIFIC GYRE WITH A GIANT DRILL AND A BIG QUESTION."

PACIFIC GYRE與一個巨大的鑽頭和一個大問題。"

"HOW CAN WE SCARE THE CRAP OUT OF EVERYONE?"

"我們如何才能嚇唬住大家？"

THEY DROPPED THEIR GIANT DRILL 20,000 FEET INTO THE PACIFIC AND

他們把巨大的鑽頭扔到了太平洋上2萬英尺的地方。

TOOK CORE SAMPLES CONTAINING THE 100-MILLION-YEAR-OLD BACTERIAL

採集了含有1億年曆史的生物體的核心樣本。

CELLS, AND "WHEN GIVEN FOOD, MOST OF THEM QUICKLY REVIVED,

細胞，以及 "當給它們食物時，它們中的大多數迅速復甦。

WHICH THE SCIENTISTS DID NOT EXPECT."

科學家們沒有想到的。"

OH, GOOD.

哦，好。

THE LAST THING I WOULD WANT IS FOR THE SCIENTISTS REANIMATING A

我最不願意看到的是 科學家們讓一個人重新活過來

PRIMORDIAL ENTITY TO KNOW WHAT THEY'RE DOING.

首要實體要知道他們在做什麼。

ACCORDING TO THIS RESEARCH, "EVIDENCE MOUNTS THAT BACTERIA

根據這項研究，"證據表明，細菌

CAN BE EFFECTIVELY IMMORTAL."

可以有效地永生。"

OKAY.

好的。

LET'S SEE WHAT WE'VE GOT HERE...

讓我們看看我們得到了什麼... ...

PRIMEVAL, YES.

PRIMEVAL，是的。

INFECTIOUS, YES.

傳染性，是的。

UNEXPECTEDLY REVIVED, YES.

意外的復活，是的。

AND IMMORTAL, GOTCHA.

和不朽的，GOTCHA。

GLOBAL EXTINCTION BINGO!

全球末日賓果!

I WIN A TATTERED CANVAS TO HUDDLE UNDER AGAINST THE BLOOD

我贏了一張斑駁的畫布，可以讓我在血泊中蹣跚前行。

STORMS.

風暴：

OH AND F.Y.I., THE LOCATION THEY CHOSE FOR THIS DRILLING WAS--

哦，對了，他們選擇的鑽井地點是... ...

YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE THIS-- "THE SO-CALLED OCEANIC POLE OF

你一定會喜歡這個--"所謂的海洋極

INACCESSIBILITY, MADE FAMOUS BY H.P. LOVECRAFT AS THE HOME OF

無法進入，被H.P. LOVECRAFT稱為 "家"。

THE BE-TENTACLED CTHULHU."

"THE BE-TENTACLED CTHULHU."

OKAY.

好的。

THAT'S IT.

這就是它。

I'M OUT.

我出來了。

I'VE SEEN "PACIFIC RIM."

我看過 "環太平洋"。

I KNOW WHAT COMES NEXT.

我知道接下來會發生什麼。

YOU'RE GOING TO BUILD A BIG ROBOT TO PUNCH CTHULU IN THE

你要造一個大機器人來打泰瑟魯的主意

FACE.

臉：

JUST DO ME A FAVOR.

幫我個忙吧

IF YOU'RE EXPENDING THOSE RESOURCES, BUILD YOUR ROBOT

如果你要花費這些資源，請建立你的機器人。

BIGGER THAN THE MONSTER YOU'RE PUNCHING, YOU DINGUSES.

比你打的那個怪物還大，你們這群笨蛋。

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH BILLY CRYSTAL.

我們馬上回來與比利-克萊斯塔爾。

♪♪♪ ♪

♪♪♪ ♪