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  • >> Stephen: HEY, THERE YOU ARE!

    >> 史蒂芬:嘿,你在這裡!

  • GLAD TO SEE YOU.

    很高興見到你。

  • WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."

    歡迎來到 "深夜秀"。

  • I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.

    我是你的主播,史蒂芬-科爾伯特。

  • LET ME JUST GET A LITTLE... WHET THE WHISTLE BECAUSE THERE'S A

    讓我稍微... ...哨聲響起,因為有一個...

  • LOT OF WHISTLING TO DO TONIGHT, FOLKS.

    今晚有很多口哨聲要做,夥計們。

  • IT'S A BIG DAY IN WASHINGTON-- BIG DAY ALL ACROSS AMERICA,

    華盛頓的大日子,全美國的大日子。

  • BECAUSE THIS AFTERNOON, THE HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES

    因為今天晚上,眾議院...

  • PASSED BIDEN'S $1.9 TRILLION COVID RELIEF PLAN.

    通過了BIDEN的190億美元的COVID救濟計劃。

  • ( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: WOO!

    ( 掌聲 ) >> 史蒂芬: 嗚!

  • SOMETHING HISTORIC HAPPENED ON CAPITOL HILL, AND IT WASN'T

    美國國會山發生了一些歷史性的事情,而且不是什麼大事。

  • PUNCHING A COP AND POOPING ON THE RUG.

    揍警察,在地毯上拉屎。

  • WOOO!

    嗚嗚!

  • IT'S A PRETTY LOW BAR.

    這是一個相當低的酒吧。

  • WOOO!

    嗚嗚!

  • WITH THIS PASSAGE, THE GOVERNMENT IS ABOUT TO SEND

    通過這條簡訊,政府將發送... ...

  • $1,400 STIMULUS CHECKS TO MILLIONS OF AMERICANS.

    向數百萬美國人發放1400美元的補貼支票。

  • THERE YOU GO, BABY!

    給你,寶貝!

  • YOU'RE RICH!

    你有錢了!

  • BUY YOURSELF SOMETHING NICE LIKE RENT OR MEDICINE.

    給自己買點好東西,比如房租或藥品。

  • THERE YOU GO!

    你來了!

  • SHAKE THEM UP.

    震動他們。

  • I MEAN YOUR MEDICINE, SHAKE UP YOUR MEDICINE.

    我指的是你的藥,撼動你的藥。

  • SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO SHAKE IT UP FIRST.

    有時你得先搖一搖。

  • I KNEW THOSE WOULD COME IN HANDY TONIGHT.

    我就知道這些東西今晚會派上用場。

  • THE STIMULUS PACKAGE WAS PRESIDENT BIDEN'S FIRST MAJOR

    刺激計劃是比登總統的第一項重大舉措。

  • LEGISLATIVE ACHIEVEMENT-- NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH MAJOR

    立法成就 -- -- 不要與重大的立法成就混為一談。

  • BIDEN'S FIRST LEGISLATIVE ACHIEVEMENT: "THE CHOMPIN' ON

    比登的第一項立法成就:"The CHOMPIN' ON

  • THE SECRET SERVICE, SQUIRREL!

    祕密服務,小鳥!

  • SQUIRREL! SQUIRREL! ACT."

    獵鷹!SQUIRREL!行動。"

  • AND IT'S NOT JUST CHECKS, FOLKS.

    這不僅僅是支票,夥計們。

  • THE BILL INCLUDES ALL SORTS OF GOODIES FOR AVERAGE AMERICANS,

    該法案包括為普通美國人提供的所有種類的商品。

  • LIKE CONTINUED $300 WEEKLY UNEMPLOYMENT BENEFITS, A BOOSTED

    如每週300元的失業福利、增加的福利、增加的福利、增加的福利、增加的福利、增加的福利、增加的福利、增加的福利、增加的福利、增加的福利、增加的福利、增加的福利、增加的福利。

  • CHILD TAX CREDIT, AID FOR STATES, LOCAL GOVERNMENTS AND

    兒童稅減免,對國家、地方政府的援助,和

  • SCHOOLS, AND $20 IN GAP CASH FOR EVERY $100 YOU SPEND ON NEW

    學校,您每花100美元購買新的學校,就可以獲得20美元的現金。

  • RELAXED-FIT JOGGERS.

    寬鬆版型慢跑褲。

  • NANCY PELOSI WAS LITERALLY SINGING THE BILL'S PRAISES.

    南希-佩洛西是字面意思是在唱比爾的讚歌。

  • >> ♪ I'M SO EXCITED ♪ I JUST CAN'T HIDE IT

    >> 我太興奮了,我只是不能隱藏它。

  • >> Stephen: ♪ SHE'S ABOUT TO FUND A SCHOOL

    >> 她要資助一所學校了

  • AND I THINK SHE LIKES IT! ♪ WHO HAS TO CLEAN ALL THIS UP, BY

    我想她喜歡它! 誰必須清理這一切,由

  • THE WAY?

    辦法?

  • NOT ME.

    不是我。

  • I'M A JOB CREATOR IS WHAT I AM!

    我是一個工作創造者,我就是這樣的人!

  • THE $1.9 TRILLION PRICE TAG BRINGS THE TOTAL SPENT ON COVID

    1.9億美元的價格標籤使COVID的總支出達到了1.5億美元。

  • RELIEF TO $5.5 TRILLION DOLLARS.

    救濟金高達550億美元。

  • BY COMPARISON, ADJUSTED FOR INFLATION, WORLD WAR II COST THE

    相比之下,按通貨膨脹率調整後,第二次世界大戰造成的損失最大。

  • U.S. GOVERNMENT ROUGHLY $4 TRILLION.

    美國政府粗略地4萬億美元。

  • HOPEFULLY, WE'LL GET SOME GREAT CORONAVIRUS MOVIES LIKE

    希望,我們會得到一些偉大的CORONAVIRUS電影,如

  • "INOCULATING PRIVATE RYAN," OR ONE ABOUT YOUR UNCLE WHO STILL

    "為私人的Ryan接種",或者是關於你的叔叔的一個故事,他仍然

  • WEARS HIS MASK BELOW HIS NOSE, "DUMB KIRK."

    戴著他的面具,在他的鼻子下面,"啞巴KIRK。"

  • THE ADMINISTRATION SAYS A LARGE NUMBER OF AMERICANS COULD

    政府說,大量的美國人可能會

  • RECEIVE THEIR $1,400 STIMULUS PAYMENTS BEFORE THE END OF

    在年底前收到1,400美元的補貼款。

  • MARCH.

    三月:

  • DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS?

    你知道這是什麼意思嗎?

  • THERE'S FINALLY GOING TO BE AN END OF MARCH!

    終於要到三月底了!

  • NOW, THE WHITE HOUSE WANTS PEOPLE TO GET THE MONEY A.S.A.P,

    現在,白宮想讓人們去拿錢。

  • AS PRESS SECRETARY JEN PSAKI EXPLAINED YESTERDAY.

    正如新聞發言人JEN PSAKI昨天所解釋的那樣。

  • >> WE ARE DOING EVERYTHING IN OUR POWER TO EXPEDITE OUR

    >> 我們正在盡一切努力加快我們的工作進度。

  • PAYMENTS AND NOT DELAY THEM, WHICH IS WHY THE PRESIDENT'S

    繳費而不是拖延,這就是為什麼主席的報告中沒有提到。

  • NAME WILL NOT APPEAR ON THE MEMO LINE OF THIS ROUND OF STIMULUS

    姓名不會出現在本輪激勵計劃的備註線上

  • CHECKS.

    檢查:

  • >> Stephen: WHAT?

    >> 史蒂芬:什麼?

  • NAME WON'T APPEAR ON THE MEMO.

    名字不會出現在備忘錄上。

  • SHOCKING!

    震驚!

  • THE PRESIDENT LOVES PUTTING HIS NAME ON THINGS.

    主席喜歡把他的名字寫在東西上。

  • WE ALL REMEMBER BIDEN UNIVERSITY, BIDEN VODKA,

    我們都記得比登大學,比登伏特加。

  • BIDEN AIRLINES, AND LUXURIOUS BIDEN TOWER.

    BIDEN AIRLINES,以及豪華的BIDEN TOWER。

  • BUT MAKE NO MISTAKE: DESPITE NOT HAVING HIS NAME ON THE CHECKS,

    但別搞錯了,儘管支票上沒有他的名字。

  • BIDEN IS GOING TO TAKE CREDIT.

    比登是要採取信貸。

  • HE, DR. JILL, KAMALA HARRIS, AND FIRST SECOND MAN DOUG ARE GOING

    他、吉爾博士、卡馬拉-哈里斯和第一副手杜格吉爾博士,卡馬拉-哈里斯,還有第一副手杜格都要去

  • TO PROMOTE THE PLAN ALL OVER THE COUNTRY, AND WHITE HOUSE

    在全國範圍內宣傳該計劃,並在白宮進行宣傳。

  • OFFICIALS ARE PREPARING A SPRAWLING SALES CAMPAIGN

    官員們正在準備一場促銷活動。

  • DESIGNED TO DRAW ATTENTION TO THE BENEFITS OF THE COVID RELIEF

    旨在提請人們注意COVID救濟的好處。

  • PACKAGE.

    包裝:

  • SO GET READY TO SEE A LOT OF BILLBOARDS THAT SAY, "MONEY: YOU

    所以,準備好看到很多寫著 "錢:你 "的標語。

  • LIKE IT."

    喜歡它。"

  • BIDEN SAYS HE'S DOING THIS P.R.

    BIDEN說他正在做這個P. R. 。

  • PUSH BECAUSE HE LEARNED FROM SOMEONE ELSE'S MISTAKES.

    推,因為他從別人的錯誤中吸取了教訓。

  • >> MANY REMEMBER THAT IN 2009, WE EXPENDED A LOT OF POLITICAL

    >> 很多人還記得,2009年,我們花費了大量的政治力量。

  • CAPITAL-- NANCY AND I AND OTHERS-- IN THE RECOVERY ACT.

    資本--南希和我以及其他人--在恢復法案中。

  • AND THE ECONOMISTS TOLD US WE LITERALLY SAVED AMERICA FROM A

    而經濟學家告訴我們,我們真的把美國從美國救了出來

  • DEPRESSION.

    抑鬱症。

  • BUT WE DIDN'T ADEQUATELY EXPLAIN WHAT WE HAD DONE.

    但我們沒有適當地解釋我們做了什麼。

  • BARACK WAS SO MODEST, HE DIDN'T WANT TO TAKE, AS HE SAID, A

    巴拉克是如此謙虛,他不想採取,正如他所說的,一個。

  • VICTORY LAP.

    勝利圈。

  • I KEPT SAYING, "TELL PEOPLE WHAT WE DID."

    我一直說,"告訴大家我們做了什麼。"

  • AND HE SAID, "I DON'T HAVE TIME.

    他說,"我沒有時間。

  • I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE A VICTORY LAP."

    我不會採取勝利的一圈。"

  • AND WE PAID A PRICE FOR THAT, IRONICALLY, FOR THAT HUMILITY.

    而我們為此付出了代價,諷刺的是,為了那份謙遜。

  • >> Stephen: WELL, JOE, I'M GOING TO HAVE TO TAKE YOUR WORD FOR

    >> 好吧,喬,我不得不接受你的說法。

  • IT.

    IT:

  • I FOR ONE AM TOO HUMBLE TO KEEP TACK OF WHEN I'VE SHOWN

    我太謙虛了,不知道什麼時候才會出現。

  • HUMILITY; THOUGH, A LOT OF PEOPLE SAY I DO HOST THE MOST

    謙虛;雖然,很多人說我是主持人,但我也是主持人。

  • HUMBLE SHOW IN LATE NIGHT.

    深夜裡的幽默表演。

  • >> COLBERT, THE HUMBLE CHOICE!

    >> COLBERT, The HUMBLE CHOICE!

  • >> Stephen: BIDEN MIGHT NOT NEED TO WORK TOO HARD TO SELL HIS

    >> Stephen: BIDEN可能不需要太過努力去銷售他的產品。

  • STIMULUS PLAN.

    STIMULUS計劃:

  • ACCORDING TO POLLS, 75% OF VOTERS SAID THEY SUPPORT THE

    根據民意調查,75%的選民表示支持《公約》。

  • PACKAGE, AND BIDEN'S APPROVAL RATING SINCE HE TOOK OFFICE

    包,以及比登上任以來的認可度。

  • IS A STEADY 57%.

    是穩定的57%。

  • OLD STEADY JOE.

    穩重的老喬。

  • HE MAY NOT BE AS EXCITING AS THE LAST GUY WE WERE WITH BUT,

    他可能沒有上次和我們在一起的那個人那麼激動人心,但是。

  • YOU KNOW, HE'S GOOD WITH KIDS, IN THAT HE CARES WHETHER THEY

    你知道嗎,他對孩子們很好,因為他關心他們的生活。

  • LIVE IN POVERTY.

    生活在貧困中。

  • THIS QUIET, UNFLASHY EFFORT TO JUST GET STUFF DONE HAS SOME IN

    這種安靜的、不疾不徐的努力,只是為了完成任務,有一些在。

  • THE PRESS CALLING THE PRESIDENT "NO DRAMA BIDEN."

    新聞界稱主席 "沒有戲劇性"。

  • NO, PRESS, NO.

    不,按,不。

  • THAT IS OBAMA'S NAME.

    這是奧巴馬的名字。

  • YOU CAN'T GIVE IT TO THE NEW GUY.

    你不能把它給新人。

  • YOU MIGHT AS WELL CALL HIM JOE "THE ROCK" BIDEN, OR "AIR"

    你最好叫他喬 "岩石 "比登,或 "空氣"。

  • BIDEN, OR "JOEY GAGA."

    比登,或 "喬伊加加"。

  • PLUS, IT'S "NO DRAMA OBAMA" BECAUSE IT RHYMES, OKAY?

    另外,它是 "沒有戲劇性的奧巴馬",因為它是押韻的,好嗎?

  • WHAT ABOUT "TRAIN RIDIN'" BIDEN, OR "NOT EXCIDIN'" BIDEN? OR

    什麼是 "坐火車"?BIDEN,或 "不洩"。比登?或

  • "CARES WHETHER YOU LIVE OR DIE-DEN" BIDEN?

    "管你是生是死 "比登?

  • IT'S NOT JUST THE STIMULUS.

    這不僅僅是刺激。

  • BIDEN IS DELIVERING ON OTHER PROMISES AS WELL.

    BIDEN也在履行其他承諾。

  • WE ALL REMEMBER THIS: >> OUR GOAL OF 100 MILLION SHOTS

    我們都記得這一點。>> 我們的目標是一億次射擊。

  • AT THE END OF MY FIRST 100 DAYS AS PRESIDENT.

    在我擔任主席的第一個100天結束時,

  • >> Stephen: IT WAS AN AMBITIOUS BUT ACHIEVABLE GOAL.

    >> 斯蒂芬:這是一個雄心勃勃但卻可以實現的目標。

  • IN THE FIRST 100 DAYS OF THE LAST GUY, I THINK I PERSONALLY

    在最後一個人的前100天裡,我想我個人... ...

  • DID NEARLY 100 MILLION SHOTS.

    做了近1億次射擊。

  • WELL, TODAY MARKS THE 50th DAY OF BIDEN'S PRESIDENCY.

    今天是BIDEN執政的第50天。

  • TO CELEBRATE, I GOT THE PRESIDENT A CARD.

    為了慶祝,我給總統發了張賀卡。

  • IT SAYS, "CONGRATU-"

    它說,"恭喜你,"

  • JOE, YOU GET THE OTHER HALF IN 50 DAYS.

    喬,50天后你可以拿到另一半。

  • EARN IT.

    賺取它。

  • ANYWAY-- I DON'T KNOW WHY THAT WAS SO HOSTILE.

    總之... ... 我不知道為什麼會這麼討厭。

  • ANYWAY, WE'RE HALFWAY THROUGH THE FIRST 100 DAYS, AND WHEN IT

    無論如何,我們已經走過了前100天的一半,而當它...

  • COMES TO THE VACCINE, SO FAR, AMERICANS HAVE GOTTEN-- DRUM

    談到疫苗,到目前為止,美國人已經得到了 - 鼓

  • ROLL, PLEASE-- MORE THAN 75 MILLION DOSES.

    滾,請 - 超過7500萬劑量。

  • WOO!

    嗚!

  • NO, DON'T, DON'T, DON'T, DON'T WASTE IT!

    不,不要,不要,不要,不要浪費它!

  • >> SORRY!

    >> 對不起!

  • >> Stephen: IN FACT, BIDEN IS ON PACE TO HIT HIS GOAL OF 100

    >> 史蒂芬: 事實上,比登正準備實現他的100個目標。

  • MILLION VACCINE DOSES AS SOON AS THE END OF NEXT WEEK.

    一百萬的疫苗劑量,最快下週結束。

  • THAT IS IMPRESSIVE.

    這是令人印象深刻的。

  • WHAT WOULD YOU EVEN CALL THAT?

    你說這是什麼意思?

  • >> IT IS CALLED PROMISES MADE, PROMISES KEPT.

    >> 這就是所謂的 "承諾","守信"。

  • >> Stephen: THANK YOU, IRRELEVANT STRANGER.

    >> 謝謝你,IRRELEVANT STRANGER。

  • AND HERE IS THE THING.

    而這是事情。

  • AS MUCH LEGISLATIVE MEAT AS JOE IS TOSSING ON THE GRIDDLE,

    儘可能多的立法肉,因為喬是扔在鏊子上。

  • REPUBLICANS ARE HAVING A LITTLE TROUBLE STICKING A FORK IN HIM.

    共和黨人在給他插叉子的時候遇到了一點小麻煩。

  • BECAUSE BIDEN ISN'T PROVING TO BE AN EASY TARGET OR ANIMATING

    因為BIDEN沒有被證明是一個簡單的目標或動畫。

  • FIGURE FOR THE G.O.P. BASE.

    圖為G.O.P.基地。

  • TURNS OUT, SPENDING A YEAR CALLING SOMEONE SENILE AND

    結果,花了一年的時間,叫別人神經病,並。

  • SLEEPY DOESN'T MAKE THEM A GOOD BOOGEYMAN.

    貪睡並不能讓他們成為一個好的布吉曼。

  • NO ONE IS AFRAID THAT TOYKO IS GOING TO BE FLATTENED BY

    沒有人害怕東鄉會被人打飛了

  • OLD-ZILLA.

    OLD-ZILLA。

  • ONE G.O.P. SPOKESPERSON PUT IT THIS WAY: "THERE'S JUST NOT THE

    一位G.O.P.發言人如是說:"這只是沒有的。

  • ANTIPATHY TO BIDEN LIKE THERE WAS OBAMA.

    傾向於像有奧巴馬那樣的比登。

  • HE JUST DOESN'T DRIVE CONSERVATIVE OUTRAGE."

    他只是不開車 儲蓄憤怒。"

  • HMMM...

    HMMM...

  • I WONDER WHAT'S DIFFERENT ABOUT OBAMA THAT ENRAGED THEIR BASE?

    我想知道奧巴馬有什麼不一樣的地方,激起了他們的興趣?

  • MAYBE THE ROYAL FAMILY KNOWS.

    也許皇室家族知道。

  • SO WITH NOTHING ELSE TO FIRE UP THE CROWD, THE G.O.P. IS TALKING

    所以,在沒有任何東西可以激起民眾的熱情的情況下,G.O.P.正在說話。

  • NONSTOP ABOUT CULTURAL ISSUES LIKE DR. SEUSS, MEGHAN MARKLE,

    不停地談論文化問題,如博士,蘇斯,梅根馬克勒,SEUSS,MEGHAN MARKLE,

  • AND MR. POTATO HEAD-- ALSO KNOWN AS PIERS MORGAN.

    和先生。洋芋頭 -- 也知道皮爾斯・摩根。

  • THESE CULTURE WAR DISTRACTIONS WERE CALLED OUT YESTERDAY ON THE

    這些文化戰爭的分歧在昨天的 "文革 "中被叫出來了。

  • HOUSE FLOOR BY OHIO REPRESENTATIVE AND SPY FINDING

    HOUSE FLOOR BY OHIO REPRESPORATIVE AND SPY FINDING(俄亥俄州議員和間諜發現)

  • OUT LUNCH IS HERE, TIM RYAN.

    出午餐在這裡,TIM RYAN。

  • DURING A DEBATE ABOUT STRENGTHENING PROTECTIONS FOR

    辯論期間,就加強對婦女的保護進行了討論。

  • UNIONS, RYAN SAID THIS: >> HEAVEN FORBID WE PASS

    工會,Ryan說過這樣的話:>> 上天禁止我們通過:

  • SOMETHING THAT'S GOING TO HELP THE DAMN WORKERS IN THE UNITED

    有什麼東西可以幫助那些該死的美國工人?

  • STATES OF AMERICA.

    美利堅合眾國:

  • WE TALK ABOUT PENSIONS.

    我們談的是終身俸。

  • YOU COMPLAIN.

    你抱怨。

  • WE TALK ABOUT THE MINIMUM WAGE INCREASE, YOU COMPLAIN.

    我們談論最低工資增長,你卻抱怨。