GLAD TO SEE YOU.

很高興見到你。

WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."

歡迎來到 "深夜秀"。

I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.

我是你的主播，史蒂芬-科爾伯特。

LET ME JUST GET A LITTLE... WHET THE WHISTLE BECAUSE THERE'S A

讓我稍微... ...哨聲響起，因為有一個...

LOT OF WHISTLING TO DO TONIGHT, FOLKS.

今晚有很多口哨聲要做，夥計們。

IT'S A BIG DAY IN WASHINGTON-- BIG DAY ALL ACROSS AMERICA,

華盛頓的大日子，全美國的大日子。

BECAUSE THIS AFTERNOON, THE HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES

因為今天晚上，眾議院...

PASSED BIDEN'S $1.9 TRILLION COVID RELIEF PLAN.

通過了BIDEN的190億美元的COVID救濟計劃。

( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: WOO!

( 掌聲 ) >> 史蒂芬: 嗚!

SOMETHING HISTORIC HAPPENED ON CAPITOL HILL, AND IT WASN'T

美國國會山發生了一些歷史性的事情，而且不是什麼大事。

PUNCHING A COP AND POOPING ON THE RUG.

揍警察，在地毯上拉屎。

WOOO!

嗚嗚！

IT'S A PRETTY LOW BAR.

這是一個相當低的酒吧。

WOOO!

嗚嗚！

WITH THIS PASSAGE, THE GOVERNMENT IS ABOUT TO SEND

通過這條簡訊，政府將發送... ...

$1,400 STIMULUS CHECKS TO MILLIONS OF AMERICANS.

向數百萬美國人發放1400美元的補貼支票。

THERE YOU GO, BABY!

給你，寶貝！

YOU'RE RICH!

你有錢了！

BUY YOURSELF SOMETHING NICE LIKE RENT OR MEDICINE.

給自己買點好東西，比如房租或藥品。

THERE YOU GO!

你來了！

SHAKE THEM UP.

震動他們。

I MEAN YOUR MEDICINE, SHAKE UP YOUR MEDICINE.

我指的是你的藥，撼動你的藥。

SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO SHAKE IT UP FIRST.

有時你得先搖一搖。

I KNEW THOSE WOULD COME IN HANDY TONIGHT.

我就知道這些東西今晚會派上用場。

THE STIMULUS PACKAGE WAS PRESIDENT BIDEN'S FIRST MAJOR

刺激計劃是比登總統的第一項重大舉措。

LEGISLATIVE ACHIEVEMENT-- NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH MAJOR

立法成就 -- -- 不要與重大的立法成就混為一談。

BIDEN'S FIRST LEGISLATIVE ACHIEVEMENT: "THE CHOMPIN' ON

比登的第一項立法成就："The CHOMPIN' ON

THE SECRET SERVICE, SQUIRREL!

祕密服務，小鳥！

SQUIRREL! SQUIRREL! ACT."

獵鷹！SQUIRREL！行動。"

AND IT'S NOT JUST CHECKS, FOLKS.

這不僅僅是支票，夥計們。

THE BILL INCLUDES ALL SORTS OF GOODIES FOR AVERAGE AMERICANS,

該法案包括為普通美國人提供的所有種類的商品。

LIKE CONTINUED $300 WEEKLY UNEMPLOYMENT BENEFITS, A BOOSTED

如每週300元的失業福利、增加的福利、增加的福利、增加的福利、增加的福利、增加的福利、增加的福利、增加的福利、增加的福利、增加的福利、增加的福利、增加的福利、增加的福利。

CHILD TAX CREDIT, AID FOR STATES, LOCAL GOVERNMENTS AND

兒童稅減免，對國家、地方政府的援助，和

SCHOOLS, AND $20 IN GAP CASH FOR EVERY $100 YOU SPEND ON NEW

學校，您每花100美元購買新的學校，就可以獲得20美元的現金。

RELAXED-FIT JOGGERS.

寬鬆版型慢跑褲。

NANCY PELOSI WAS LITERALLY SINGING THE BILL'S PRAISES.

南希-佩洛西是字面意思是在唱比爾的讚歌。

>> ♪ I'M SO EXCITED ♪ I JUST CAN'T HIDE IT ♪

>> 我太興奮了，我只是不能隱藏它。

>> Stephen: ♪ SHE'S ABOUT TO FUND A SCHOOL

>> 她要資助一所學校了

♪ AND I THINK SHE LIKES IT! ♪ WHO HAS TO CLEAN ALL THIS UP, BY

我想她喜歡它！ 誰必須清理這一切，由

THE WAY?

辦法？

NOT ME.

不是我。

I'M A JOB CREATOR IS WHAT I AM!

我是一個工作創造者，我就是這樣的人!

THE $1.9 TRILLION PRICE TAG BRINGS THE TOTAL SPENT ON COVID

1.9億美元的價格標籤使COVID的總支出達到了1.5億美元。

RELIEF TO $5.5 TRILLION DOLLARS.

救濟金高達550億美元。

BY COMPARISON, ADJUSTED FOR INFLATION, WORLD WAR II COST THE

相比之下，按通貨膨脹率調整後，第二次世界大戰造成的損失最大。

U.S. GOVERNMENT ROUGHLY $4 TRILLION.

美國政府粗略地4萬億美元。

HOPEFULLY, WE'LL GET SOME GREAT CORONAVIRUS MOVIES LIKE

希望，我們會得到一些偉大的CORONAVIRUS電影，如

"INOCULATING PRIVATE RYAN," OR ONE ABOUT YOUR UNCLE WHO STILL

"為私人的Ryan接種"，或者是關於你的叔叔的一個故事，他仍然

WEARS HIS MASK BELOW HIS NOSE, "DUMB KIRK."

戴著他的面具，在他的鼻子下面，"啞巴KIRK。"

THE ADMINISTRATION SAYS A LARGE NUMBER OF AMERICANS COULD

政府說，大量的美國人可能會

RECEIVE THEIR $1,400 STIMULUS PAYMENTS BEFORE THE END OF

在年底前收到1,400美元的補貼款。

MARCH.

三月：

DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS?

你知道這是什麼意思嗎？

THERE'S FINALLY GOING TO BE AN END OF MARCH!

終於要到三月底了!

NOW, THE WHITE HOUSE WANTS PEOPLE TO GET THE MONEY A.S.A.P,

現在，白宮想讓人們去拿錢。

AS PRESS SECRETARY JEN PSAKI EXPLAINED YESTERDAY.

正如新聞發言人JEN PSAKI昨天所解釋的那樣。

>> WE ARE DOING EVERYTHING IN OUR POWER TO EXPEDITE OUR

>> 我們正在盡一切努力加快我們的工作進度。

PAYMENTS AND NOT DELAY THEM, WHICH IS WHY THE PRESIDENT'S

繳費而不是拖延，這就是為什麼主席的報告中沒有提到。

NAME WILL NOT APPEAR ON THE MEMO LINE OF THIS ROUND OF STIMULUS

姓名不會出現在本輪激勵計劃的備註線上

CHECKS.

檢查：

>> Stephen: WHAT?

>> 史蒂芬：什麼？

NAME WON'T APPEAR ON THE MEMO.

名字不會出現在備忘錄上。

SHOCKING!

震驚！

THE PRESIDENT LOVES PUTTING HIS NAME ON THINGS.

主席喜歡把他的名字寫在東西上。

WE ALL REMEMBER BIDEN UNIVERSITY, BIDEN VODKA,

我們都記得比登大學，比登伏特加。

BIDEN AIRLINES, AND LUXURIOUS BIDEN TOWER.

BIDEN AIRLINES，以及豪華的BIDEN TOWER。

BUT MAKE NO MISTAKE: DESPITE NOT HAVING HIS NAME ON THE CHECKS,

但別搞錯了，儘管支票上沒有他的名字。

BIDEN IS GOING TO TAKE CREDIT.

比登是要採取信貸。

HE, DR. JILL, KAMALA HARRIS, AND FIRST SECOND MAN DOUG ARE GOING

他、吉爾博士、卡馬拉-哈里斯和第一副手杜格吉爾博士，卡馬拉-哈里斯，還有第一副手杜格都要去

TO PROMOTE THE PLAN ALL OVER THE COUNTRY, AND WHITE HOUSE

在全國範圍內宣傳該計劃，並在白宮進行宣傳。

OFFICIALS ARE PREPARING A SPRAWLING SALES CAMPAIGN

官員們正在準備一場促銷活動。

DESIGNED TO DRAW ATTENTION TO THE BENEFITS OF THE COVID RELIEF

旨在提請人們注意COVID救濟的好處。

PACKAGE.

包裝：

SO GET READY TO SEE A LOT OF BILLBOARDS THAT SAY, "MONEY: YOU

所以，準備好看到很多寫著 "錢：你 "的標語。

LIKE IT."

喜歡它。"

BIDEN SAYS HE'S DOING THIS P.R.

BIDEN說他正在做這個P. R. 。

PUSH BECAUSE HE LEARNED FROM SOMEONE ELSE'S MISTAKES.

推，因為他從別人的錯誤中吸取了教訓。

>> MANY REMEMBER THAT IN 2009, WE EXPENDED A LOT OF POLITICAL

>> 很多人還記得，2009年，我們花費了大量的政治力量。

CAPITAL-- NANCY AND I AND OTHERS-- IN THE RECOVERY ACT.

資本--南希和我以及其他人--在恢復法案中。

AND THE ECONOMISTS TOLD US WE LITERALLY SAVED AMERICA FROM A

而經濟學家告訴我們，我們真的把美國從美國救了出來

DEPRESSION.

抑鬱症。

BUT WE DIDN'T ADEQUATELY EXPLAIN WHAT WE HAD DONE.

但我們沒有適當地解釋我們做了什麼。

BARACK WAS SO MODEST, HE DIDN'T WANT TO TAKE, AS HE SAID, A

巴拉克是如此謙虛，他不想採取，正如他所說的，一個。

VICTORY LAP.

勝利圈。

I KEPT SAYING, "TELL PEOPLE WHAT WE DID."

我一直說，"告訴大家我們做了什麼。"

AND HE SAID, "I DON'T HAVE TIME.

他說，"我沒有時間。

I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE A VICTORY LAP."

我不會採取勝利的一圈。"

AND WE PAID A PRICE FOR THAT, IRONICALLY, FOR THAT HUMILITY.

而我們為此付出了代價，諷刺的是，為了那份謙遜。

>> Stephen: WELL, JOE, I'M GOING TO HAVE TO TAKE YOUR WORD FOR

>> 好吧，喬，我不得不接受你的說法。

IT.

IT：

I FOR ONE AM TOO HUMBLE TO KEEP TACK OF WHEN I'VE SHOWN

我太謙虛了，不知道什麼時候才會出現。

HUMILITY; THOUGH, A LOT OF PEOPLE SAY I DO HOST THE MOST

謙虛；雖然，很多人說我是主持人，但我也是主持人。

HUMBLE SHOW IN LATE NIGHT.

深夜裡的幽默表演。

>> COLBERT, THE HUMBLE CHOICE!

>> COLBERT, The HUMBLE CHOICE!

>> Stephen: BIDEN MIGHT NOT NEED TO WORK TOO HARD TO SELL HIS

>> Stephen: BIDEN可能不需要太過努力去銷售他的產品。

STIMULUS PLAN.

STIMULUS計劃：

ACCORDING TO POLLS, 75% OF VOTERS SAID THEY SUPPORT THE

根據民意調查，75%的選民表示支持《公約》。

PACKAGE, AND BIDEN'S APPROVAL RATING SINCE HE TOOK OFFICE

包，以及比登上任以來的認可度。

IS A STEADY 57%.

是穩定的57%。

OLD STEADY JOE.

穩重的老喬。

HE MAY NOT BE AS EXCITING AS THE LAST GUY WE WERE WITH BUT,

他可能沒有上次和我們在一起的那個人那麼激動人心，但是。

YOU KNOW, HE'S GOOD WITH KIDS, IN THAT HE CARES WHETHER THEY

你知道嗎，他對孩子們很好，因為他關心他們的生活。

LIVE IN POVERTY.

生活在貧困中。

THIS QUIET, UNFLASHY EFFORT TO JUST GET STUFF DONE HAS SOME IN

這種安靜的、不疾不徐的努力，只是為了完成任務，有一些在。

THE PRESS CALLING THE PRESIDENT "NO DRAMA BIDEN."

新聞界稱主席 "沒有戲劇性"。

NO, PRESS, NO.

不，按，不。

THAT IS OBAMA'S NAME.

這是奧巴馬的名字。

YOU CAN'T GIVE IT TO THE NEW GUY.

你不能把它給新人。

YOU MIGHT AS WELL CALL HIM JOE "THE ROCK" BIDEN, OR "AIR"

你最好叫他喬 "岩石 "比登，或 "空氣"。

BIDEN, OR "JOEY GAGA."

比登，或 "喬伊加加"。

PLUS, IT'S "NO DRAMA OBAMA" BECAUSE IT RHYMES, OKAY?

另外，它是 "沒有戲劇性的奧巴馬"，因為它是押韻的，好嗎？

WHAT ABOUT "TRAIN RIDIN'" BIDEN, OR "NOT EXCIDIN'" BIDEN? OR

什麼是 "坐火車"？BIDEN，或 "不洩"。比登？或

"CARES WHETHER YOU LIVE OR DIE-DEN" BIDEN?

"管你是生是死 "比登？

IT'S NOT JUST THE STIMULUS.

這不僅僅是刺激。

BIDEN IS DELIVERING ON OTHER PROMISES AS WELL.

BIDEN也在履行其他承諾。

WE ALL REMEMBER THIS: >> OUR GOAL OF 100 MILLION SHOTS

我們都記得這一點。>> 我們的目標是一億次射擊。

AT THE END OF MY FIRST 100 DAYS AS PRESIDENT.

在我擔任主席的第一個100天結束時，

>> Stephen: IT WAS AN AMBITIOUS BUT ACHIEVABLE GOAL.

>> 斯蒂芬：這是一個雄心勃勃但卻可以實現的目標。

IN THE FIRST 100 DAYS OF THE LAST GUY, I THINK I PERSONALLY

在最後一個人的前100天裡，我想我個人... ...

DID NEARLY 100 MILLION SHOTS.

做了近1億次射擊。

WELL, TODAY MARKS THE 50th DAY OF BIDEN'S PRESIDENCY.

今天是BIDEN執政的第50天。

TO CELEBRATE, I GOT THE PRESIDENT A CARD.

為了慶祝，我給總統發了張賀卡。

IT SAYS, "CONGRATU-"

它說，"恭喜你，"

JOE, YOU GET THE OTHER HALF IN 50 DAYS.

喬，50天后你可以拿到另一半。

EARN IT.

賺取它。

ANYWAY-- I DON'T KNOW WHY THAT WAS SO HOSTILE.

總之... ... 我不知道為什麼會這麼討厭。

ANYWAY, WE'RE HALFWAY THROUGH THE FIRST 100 DAYS, AND WHEN IT

無論如何，我們已經走過了前100天的一半，而當它...

COMES TO THE VACCINE, SO FAR, AMERICANS HAVE GOTTEN-- DRUM

談到疫苗，到目前為止，美國人已經得到了 - 鼓

ROLL, PLEASE-- MORE THAN 75 MILLION DOSES.

滾，請 - 超過7500萬劑量。

WOO!

嗚！

NO, DON'T, DON'T, DON'T, DON'T WASTE IT!

不，不要，不要，不要，不要浪費它！

>> SORRY!

>> 對不起！

>> Stephen: IN FACT, BIDEN IS ON PACE TO HIT HIS GOAL OF 100

>> 史蒂芬: 事實上，比登正準備實現他的100個目標。

MILLION VACCINE DOSES AS SOON AS THE END OF NEXT WEEK.

一百萬的疫苗劑量，最快下週結束。

THAT IS IMPRESSIVE.

這是令人印象深刻的。

WHAT WOULD YOU EVEN CALL THAT?

你說這是什麼意思？

>> IT IS CALLED PROMISES MADE, PROMISES KEPT.

>> 這就是所謂的 "承諾"，"守信"。

>> Stephen: THANK YOU, IRRELEVANT STRANGER.

>> 謝謝你，IRRELEVANT STRANGER。

AND HERE IS THE THING.

而這是事情。

AS MUCH LEGISLATIVE MEAT AS JOE IS TOSSING ON THE GRIDDLE,

儘可能多的立法肉，因為喬是扔在鏊子上。

REPUBLICANS ARE HAVING A LITTLE TROUBLE STICKING A FORK IN HIM.

共和黨人在給他插叉子的時候遇到了一點小麻煩。

BECAUSE BIDEN ISN'T PROVING TO BE AN EASY TARGET OR ANIMATING

因為BIDEN沒有被證明是一個簡單的目標或動畫。

FIGURE FOR THE G.O.P. BASE.

圖為G.O.P.基地。

TURNS OUT, SPENDING A YEAR CALLING SOMEONE SENILE AND

結果，花了一年的時間，叫別人神經病，並。

SLEEPY DOESN'T MAKE THEM A GOOD BOOGEYMAN.

貪睡並不能讓他們成為一個好的布吉曼。

NO ONE IS AFRAID THAT TOYKO IS GOING TO BE FLATTENED BY

沒有人害怕東鄉會被人打飛了

OLD-ZILLA.

OLD-ZILLA。

ONE G.O.P. SPOKESPERSON PUT IT THIS WAY: "THERE'S JUST NOT THE

一位G.O.P.發言人如是說："這只是沒有的。

ANTIPATHY TO BIDEN LIKE THERE WAS OBAMA.

傾向於像有奧巴馬那樣的比登。

HE JUST DOESN'T DRIVE CONSERVATIVE OUTRAGE."

他只是不開車 儲蓄憤怒。"

HMMM...

HMMM...

I WONDER WHAT'S DIFFERENT ABOUT OBAMA THAT ENRAGED THEIR BASE?

我想知道奧巴馬有什麼不一樣的地方，激起了他們的興趣？

MAYBE THE ROYAL FAMILY KNOWS.

也許皇室家族知道。

SO WITH NOTHING ELSE TO FIRE UP THE CROWD, THE G.O.P. IS TALKING

所以，在沒有任何東西可以激起民眾的熱情的情況下，G.O.P.正在說話。

NONSTOP ABOUT CULTURAL ISSUES LIKE DR. SEUSS, MEGHAN MARKLE,

不停地談論文化問題，如博士，蘇斯，梅根馬克勒，SEUSS，MEGHAN MARKLE，

AND MR. POTATO HEAD-- ALSO KNOWN AS PIERS MORGAN.

和先生。洋芋頭 -- 也知道皮爾斯・摩根。

THESE CULTURE WAR DISTRACTIONS WERE CALLED OUT YESTERDAY ON THE

這些文化戰爭的分歧在昨天的 "文革 "中被叫出來了。

HOUSE FLOOR BY OHIO REPRESENTATIVE AND SPY FINDING

HOUSE FLOOR BY OHIO REPRESPORATIVE AND SPY FINDING（俄亥俄州議員和間諜發現）

OUT LUNCH IS HERE, TIM RYAN.

出午餐在這裡，TIM RYAN。

DURING A DEBATE ABOUT STRENGTHENING PROTECTIONS FOR

辯論期間，就加強對婦女的保護進行了討論。

UNIONS, RYAN SAID THIS: >> HEAVEN FORBID WE PASS

工會，Ryan說過這樣的話：>> 上天禁止我們通過：

SOMETHING THAT'S GOING TO HELP THE DAMN WORKERS IN THE UNITED

有什麼東西可以幫助那些該死的美國工人？

STATES OF AMERICA.

美利堅合眾國：

WE TALK ABOUT PENSIONS.

我們談的是終身俸。

YOU COMPLAIN.

你抱怨。

WE TALK ABOUT THE MINIMUM WAGE INCREASE, YOU COMPLAIN.

我們談論最低工資增長，你卻抱怨。