usually when I take care

平時

of some business, you know,

一些業務，你知道的。

I get some things done,

我做了一些事情。

but the day just got

但是，今天就這樣

completely away from me.

完全離我而去。

I spent all day buying used

我整天都在買二手貨

"No Fear" T-shirts.

"無畏 "T恤。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

-Used? -And like

-用過？-還有像

I completely forgot to write out my weekly thank-you notes.

我完全忘記了寫出每週的感謝信。

Now, I know it's during the show,

現在，我知道這是在演出期間。

but, if you guys don't mind, I thought I'd take this time

但是，如果你們不介意的話，我想我應該利用這個時間。

to write out some thank-you notes right now.

寫出一些感謝信，現在。

This will only take -- James, could I get

這將只需要 - 詹姆斯，我可以得到

some thank-you note writing music, please?

一些感謝信寫音樂，請？

[ Cheering, whistling, and applause ]

[歡呼聲，口哨聲，和掌聲]。

[ Playing tender tune ]

[播放溫柔的曲子]

Just perfect.

只是完美。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Thank you, "Coming 2 America,"

謝謝你，"美國來了"。

for telling the story of two royal figures

鴛鴦譜

who leave their home country for the U.S.,

誰離開本國到美國。

or, as Oprah put it.

或者，正如奧普拉所說，

"Time for another exclusive

"是時候再來一次專訪了

interview!"

採訪！"

-[ Imitates vuvuzela blasting ] [ Applause ]

-[模仿vuvuzela爆破] [掌聲]

[ Applause ]

[掌聲]

♪♪

♪♪

-Thank you, Vision, from "Wandavision,"

-謝謝你，Vision，來自 "Wandavision"，

for looking like someone who bullied

欺負人的樣子

the Blue Man Group in high school.

高中時的藍人集團。

[ Laughter and applause ]

[笑聲和掌聲]

♪♪

♪♪

Thank you, Jeff Daniels at the Golden Globes,

謝謝你，傑夫-丹尼爾斯在金球獎上。

for looking like a dad in his basement

因為他看起來像一個父親在他的地下室

painting the lampposts in his model train set.

在他的火車模型裡畫燈柱。

-Aw.

-啊

[ Laughter and applause ]

[笑聲和掌聲]

-I like that background.

-我喜歡這個背景

That's a classic Zoom background -- doors.

這是一個經典的Zoom背景--門。

-Yep, yep.

-是的，是的。

♪♪

♪♪

Thank you, Chili's to-go margarita,

謝謝你，奇利的即食瑪格麗特。

that comes in a gallon-sized pouch,

裝在一個加侖大小的袋子裡。

for looking like a "Real Housewives" version

貌似 "真實主婦 "版的。

of Capri Sun.

的卡普里太陽。

[ Laughter, cheering, and applause ]

[笑聲，歡呼聲，和掌聲]

[ Applause ]

[掌聲]

♪♪

♪♪

Thank you, spring weather,

謝謝你，春天氣息。

or, as we say in New York,

或者，像我們紐約人說的那樣，

"Look, the cigarette butts are blooming."

"你看，菸頭都開花了。"

[ Laughter and applause ]

[笑聲和掌聲]

[ Raspy voice ] Throw it into a snowbank.

把它扔進雪堆裡。

Fyoo!

Fyoo!

I mean, what are you going to do, keep your butts?

我的意思是，你要做什麼，保持你的屁股？

-I mean, no, you should pick them up like, you know,

-我的意思是，不，你應該把它們撿起來，你知道的。

you pick up poop, now, right?

你現在是在撿大便吧？

-Mm-hmm. -Yeah, you clean up

-嗯哼-是的，你清理一下

behind the dog. Clean up behind your cigs.

後面的狗。清理你的菸頭後面。

-Feels like it's a fire hazard, kind of.

-感覺像是有火災隱患，有點兒。

-I mean, nah. You put them out.

-我的意思是，不。你把它們放出來

You have to stand around. You wait for them to go out.

你必須站在周圍。你要等他們出去。

And then, you know, you pick it up.

然後，你知道，你把它撿起來。

You make sure it's out, so, when you pick it up,

你要確保它是出來的，所以，當你拿起它。

if it's still hot, it's "Ah!" You drop it,

如果它還是熱的，那就是 "啊！"你把它丟掉。

[ Laughter ] stomp it out,

[笑]踩出來。

you pick it up again.

你再把它撿起來。

Walk around, you got a butt bag and, you know.

走來走去，你有一個屁股包，你知道的。

[ Laughter ] So you can bag it.

[笑]所以，你可以袋。

-Alright, a butt bag.

-好吧，一個屁股袋。

What they should is they should have, next to a garbage can,

他們應該的是，他們應該在垃圾桶旁邊。

like a butt can.

就像一個菸蒂罐。

-Ah! I think people would put still-lit butts in there,

-我想人們會把還沒熄滅的菸頭放在那裡,

just for fun, you know? -In the garbage can?

只是為了好玩，你知道嗎？-在垃圾桶裡？

-I mean, in New York City, yeah. I think yeah.

-我的意思是，在紐約市，是的。我想是的

So, you need a butt sack.

所以，你需要一個屁股袋。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

-That's what's up.

-這就是問題所在。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

♪♪

♪♪

Thank you, Instagram vaccine selfies,

謝謝你，Instagram疫苗自拍。

for letting me know exactly which of my friends

讓我知道我的朋友們

are okay with lying about having asthma.

撒謊說自己有哮喘病也沒關係。

[ Laughter and applause ]

[笑聲和掌聲]

All of a sudden.

突然間。

[ Applause ]

[掌聲]

All of a sudden.

突然間。

♪♪

♪♪

Thank you, Seth Rogen announcing

謝謝你，塞斯-羅根宣佈

you have a new marijuana company,

你有一個新的大麻公司。

although, I'm pretty sure you already had a weed company

雖然，我敢肯定，你已經有一個雜草公司。

and just now remembered about it.

而現在才想起這件事。

[ Laughter and applause ]

[笑聲和掌聲]

Right? He did, right? -Yeah.

對不對？他做了，對嗎？-是的

♪♪

♪♪

-Thank you, sneezes,

-謝謝你，噴嚏。

for coming in two forms -- soft and cute,

因為有兩種形式 -- 柔軟和可愛。

or Category 5 hurricane.

或5級颶風。

[ Laughter and applause ]

[笑聲和掌聲]

My grandpa would sneeze and like a vein would pop in his nose.

我的爺爺打噴嚏時，鼻子裡會像有條靜脈在跳動。

[ Laughter ] -Ew.

[笑聲] -EW。

-Blood all over the place.

-到處都是血

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

[ Southern accent ] Pawpawpaw, you okay?

[南方口音] Pawpawpaw，你還好嗎？

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

[ Raspy voice ] Ah, just allergies, that's all, kid.

啊，只是過敏，這一切，孩子。

Go back to sleep.

回去睡覺吧

-I called my grandfather Peepaw.

-我叫我爺爺皮皮蝦。

-Did you really. -Yeah. I call my grandma Meemaw.

-你真的要這樣做嗎？-是的，我叫我奶奶Meemaw.

-Aw. -Yeah. They were Muppets?

-啊-是啊，他們是布偶？他們是布偶？

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

-♪ Do do do do do ♪

# Do do do do do do #

[ Playing "Mahna Mahna" ] ♪ Do do do do do ♪

[播放 "馬赫納馬赫納"] 做做做做做做做

-Everyone's got weird names for everyone.

-每個人都有奇怪的名字。

-Yeah. -Yeah.

-是啊 是啊

Grandma was Grandma.

奶奶就是奶奶。

My mom, I remember was like,

我媽媽，我記得是這樣的。

when we had Winnie, she was like,

當我們有溫妮，她就像，

[ As Gloria ] I don't want to be called Grandma.

我不想被叫作奶奶。

It's too old.

它太老了。

I'm not old enough to be a Grandma.

我還沒到當奶奶的年紀。

So I want to be --

所以我想成為...

I go, "Well, we're going to call you Grandma.

我去，"好吧，我們要叫你奶奶。

It doesn't matter." She goes --

這不重要。"她走了...

[ As Gloria ] No, I want to be called GG.

[作為Gloria] 不，我想被稱為GG。

[ Laughter ] -Aw! -I go,

[笑聲] 啊！-我去。

"No one's going to call you GG." She goes --

"沒有人會叫你GG。"她說...

[ As Gloria ] It stands for Gorgeous Gloria.

[作為Gloria]它代表華麗的Gloria。

-Aww! -I like that. I like that.

-啊！-我喜歡這樣我喜歡這樣

Alright, alright, Grandma.

好吧，好吧，奶奶。

[ Laughter and applause ]

[笑聲和掌聲]

You don't get to choose.

你沒有選擇的權利。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

-Yeah. You know, I -- -What's that?

-是啊，你知道，我...你知道，我--那是什麼？

I wanted to be called Papa by my kids

我想讓孩子們叫我爸爸

and my wife's father came along and he just like took the name.

我妻子的父親來了， 他只是喜歡把這個名字。

They call him Papa.

他們叫他爸爸

I'm like, "That's your grandpop.

我說："那是你的爺爺。

Call him Grandpop, Grandpapa."

叫他外公，外公。"

-Yeah. -I'm Papa. Papa is like the father.

-是的 我是爸爸。爸爸就像父親一樣.

But he sort of Brodie'd me for that name.

但他因為這個名字而給我取了個Brodie的名字。

-Yeah. "He's your peepaw."

-是的。"他是你的小貓咪。"

[ Laughter ] -Yeah, he's Peepaw. I'm just Pa.

是的，他是Peepaw。我只是爸爸。

-Yeah. -Yeah.

-是啊 是啊

-You're Peepaw and I'm Pawpaw.

-你是Peepaw，我是Pawpaw。

-I don't get to enjoy that. -Aw. -Jesus!

-我沒機會享受這個.-啊-天啊！

[ Laughter ] -Yeah. You know?

[笑] 是啊。是啊。 你知道嗎？

-That's tough, man. -So what I do,

-這很難，夥計-那我該怎麼辦？

I hit him with a curve ball. -Yeah?

我給他打了一個曲線球-是嗎？

-I told my kids to call me Nana.

-我告訴我的孩子們叫我娜娜。

[ Laughter and applause ]

[笑聲和掌聲]

-I got to those gummies you --

-我得到了那些口香糖你 --

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Because that's --

因為那是...

Then, it'll all start making sense.

然後，這一切就會開始變得有意義。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

♪ What's happening? ♪

* What's happening? *

-♪ What's happening? ♪

-發生了什麼事？

[ Laughter ] -Oh, my God.

哦，我的上帝。

[ Laughter and applause ]

[笑聲和掌聲]

Oh, my.

哦，我的。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

♪♪

♪♪

Thank you, windmills,

謝謝你，風車。

for looking like a lighthouse hooked up with the ceiling fan.

因為看起來像一座燈塔掛在吊扇上。

[ Applause ] There you go, everybody,

[掌聲]你去那裡，大家。

those are my thank-you notes.

這些都是我的感謝信。

We'll be right back with Amanda Seyfried.

我們馬上回來與阿曼達塞弗裡德。

♪ What's ♪

什麼是

♪♪

♪♪

-Ha ha! [ Cheering and applause ]

-哈哈！[歡呼聲和掌聲]

Just to let you know, [ Echoing ] you know,

只是想讓你知道，[回聲]你知道。

right about now, you're rocking

現在，你正在搖滾

with the [ Indistinct ]

與[模糊不清]

you know? [ Echoing ] You know?

你知道嗎？[回聲] 你知道嗎？

"Tonight Show."

"今夜秀"。