>> James: GOOD EVENING LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WELCOME TO THE

>> 詹姆斯。女士們，先生們，晚上好，歡迎來到這裡。

LATE, LATE SHOW.

遲到了，遲到的節目。

ABSOLUTELY EXHAUSTED AFTER THAT.

之後絕對是洩氣的。

HOW ARE YOU?

你怎麼樣？

GOOD DAY?

GOOD DAY？

HOW WAS EVERYTHING?

一切都好嗎？

THERE'S LIGHT AROUND THE CORNER.

拐角處有光。

THROUGH THE END OF THE TUNNEL.

穿過隧道的盡頭。

ABOUT WE'RE SO HAPPY YOU'RE HERE.

關於我們很高興你能來這裡。

TONIGHT WE'LL BE CHATTING WITH THE VERY FUNNY BEN

今晚，我們將與非常有趣的本哈拉。

SCHWARTZ AND LATER WE'VE GOT A PERFORMANCE FROM THE FOO

施瓦茨和後來我們得到了一個表演的FOO。

FIGHTERS.

戰士：

YOU FIGHT A LOT OF FOO?

你打了很多福？

>> I'M A FIGHTING FOO.

>> 我是一個打架的FOO。

I PITY THE PERSON WHO DOESN'T FIGHT FOR THE FOO.

我可憐那些不為FOO而戰的人。

>> James: THAT'S GREAT.

>> 詹姆斯。 這是偉大的。

PRESIDENT BIDEN JUST ANNOUNCED THAT THERE WILL BE ENOUGH

比登總統剛剛宣佈，將有足夠的...

VACCINE SUPPLY FOR EVERY ADULT IN THE COUNTRY, TWO MONTHS

全國每個成年人兩個月的疫苗供應量。

EARLIER THAN PREVIOUSLY ANNOUNCED.

比先前宣佈的時間早。

TAKE A LOOK...

看一看...

>> ENOUGH VACCINE SUPPLY FOR EVERY DIFFICULT IN AMERICA BY

>> 為美國每一個困難的人提供足夠的疫苗供應。

THE END OF MAY!

五月底！

>> James: COME ON!

>> 詹姆斯。 來吧！

YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS?

你知道這是什麼意思嗎？

I'M GOING TO HAVE MY HOT GIRL SUMMER AFTER

我要去有我的辣妹後的夏天。

ALL, BABY!

所有，寶貝！

SUMMER IS BACK ON!

夏天又開始了!

ME AND PETE ARE GOING TO BE AT THE BEACH, GRILLING UP

我和PETE要去海灘，烤肉。

HOT DOGS, SHOT-GUNNING BEERS SITTING AROUND THE BONFIRE AND

熱狗，射擊啤酒，圍著火堆坐著，還有......。

SINGING SONGS FROM "LITTLE SHOP OF HRRORS."

"小店的HRRORS "的歌聲。

YES, PETE WILL BE LIKE FEED ME, I'LL CHUCK A CHICKEN WING IN HIS

是的，佩特會喜歡餵我，我就給他塞個雞翅。

MOUTH, FEED ME.

嘴，餵我。

THERE HAS TO BE MORE.

一定還有更多。

WHAT SHOULD WE DO WHEN WE'RE ALL VACCINATED?

如果我們都打了疫苗，我們該怎麼辦？

HERE IS WHAT I'LL SAY.

這是我要說的。

IT IS ONLY A PARTY FOR US.

這只是我們的一個聚會。

THE REST OF THE STAFF IS ON ZOOM, CANNOT COME.

其餘的員工都在忙，不能來。

>> ONLY FAIR.

>> 只有公平。

ONLY FAIR.

只有公平。

>> James: NONE OF THEM CAN COME.

>> 詹姆斯。 他們都不能來。

NONE OF THEM.

一個都沒有。

DON'T YOU THINK?

你不覺得嗎？

>> I WAS LOOKING AROUND, THERE'S GOING TO BE 20 OF US AT THIS

>> 我環顧四周，將有20個我們在這個。

PARTY.

PARTY：

>> James: BUT THIS IS THE BEST 20!

>> 詹姆斯。 但這是最好的20個！

THE BEST 20, THIS IS IT, RIGHT?

最好的20，這是它，對不對？

WE ONLY LOOKING AT THE MARTY'S ABSOLUTELY BUZZING, COVID CREW.

我們只是在看晚會的絕對喧囂，COVID CREW。

A YEAR FROM NOW WE'LL BE TALKING ABOUT THIS BUT WE WERE IN THE

一年後，我們會談論這個問題，但我們是在。

FRONT LINE OF THE TRENCHES.

前線的TRENCHES。

BUT YOU DON'T KNOW MAN, YOU WERE IN NEBRASKA!

但你不知道男人，你在內布拉斯加！

YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE.

你不知道它是什麼樣子的。

A REALLY ITCHY NOSE.

鼻子真的很癢。

I'M TRYING TO ITCH IT, BUT ACTUALLY WHAT YOU REALLY HAVE TO

我想癢癢，但實際上你必須要做什麼？

DO YOU GET A FULL NOSE ATTACK?

你會受到全鼻攻擊嗎？

>> THAT WAS YOUR DISCRETE ITCH?

>> 那是你的私心之癢？

USE YOUR WHOLE ARM.

使用你的整個手臂。

>> James: I WAS TRYING TO DO IT AT MOMENTS I THOUGHT THEY

>> 詹姆斯。 我試圖在我認為他們的時刻做到這一點。

MIGHT HAVE CUTS.

可能有切口。

QUICK KIT YOU'RE BACK.

快捷包你回來了。

SO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

你知道我的意思嗎？

LIKE DON'T YOU THINK IAN?

你覺得伊安不喜歡嗎？

THINKING IN THE EDIT.

思考在編輯。

WHAT I REALLY NEED TO DO IS GO --

我真正需要做的是去 --

>> YEAH.

>> 是的。

AH!

啊！

>> James: BUT I AM EXCITED ABOUT THIS VACCINE.

>> 詹姆斯。 但我很興奮這個疫苗。

THIS REALLY IS GREAT NEWS.

這真的是大新聞。

WE CAN END ALL OF THIS TWO MONTHS EARLIER THAN WE THOUGHT,

我們可以提前兩個月結束這一切，比我們想象的要早。

OR TWO MONTHS EARLIER THAN THAT FRS FLATTEN THE CURVE.

或提前兩個月，FRS拉平曲線。

TWO WEEKS TO FLATTEN THE CURVE!

兩週時間讓曲線變平坦!

BUT IF YOU DON'T WANT TO WAIT UNTIL MAY, YOU CAN HEAD TO NORTH

但如果你不想等到5月，你可以去北邊。

CAROLINA, WHERE LATER THIS MONTH, THEY WILL

加利福尼亞州，本月晚些時候，他們將在那裡。

WILL BEGIN OFFERING THE VACCINE TO SMOKERS, DEFINED AS ANYONE

將開始向吸菸者提供疫苗，定義為任何人。

WHO HAS, "SMOKED AT LEAST 100 CIGARETTES IN YOUR LIFE."

"一生中至少抽過100支雪茄的人"

HOW ARE THEY GOING TO PROVE THAT YOU'RE A SMOKER?

他們怎麼證明你是個煙鬼？

DO THEY WATCH YOU PUT ON A DENIM JACKET AND SUNGLASSES AND

他們會不會看你穿上牛仔外套，戴上太陽鏡，然後... ...

MAKE YOU SAY "WHATEVER, MAN," THEN THEY'RE LIKE "YUP, HE'S

讓你說 "隨便吧，夥計"，然後他們就會說 "是的，他是"。

COOL.

酷。

GIVE HIM THE SHOT."

給他一槍。"

YOU JUST KNOW, SOMEWHERE IN NORTH CAROLINA, THERE'S A GUY

你要知道，在北卡羅來納州的某個地方，有一個人...

WHO'S BEEN SMOKING LIKE 40 CIGARETTES A DAY BUT

誰一直在吸大約40支雪茄一天，但。

LIKE "I TOLD YOU!

喜歡 "我告訴過你！"。

(COUGH COUGH COUGH) YOU WANTED ME TO QUIT...

你想讓我退出... ...

(COUGH COUGH) BUT WHO'S HEALTHY N...

(咯咯咯)但誰是健康的N...

(COUGH) N... (COUGH) NOW!

（COUGH）N...（COUGH）現在！

(COUGH COUGH) BUT HONESTLY, HAVE I SMOKED

但老實說，我抽過煙嗎?

ONE-HUNDRED CIGARETTES IN MY LIFE?

一百支雪茄在我的生活中？

YOU GOT TO ASK THIS GUY.

你一定要問這個傢伙。

HERE IS BIG PANDEMIC NEWS OUT OF TEXAS.

這裡是大的PANDEMIC新聞出德州。

GOVERNOR GREG ABBOTT HAS DECLARED AN END TO ALL COVID

州長GREG ABBOTT宣佈停止所有的歧視行為

RESTRICTIONS IN THE STATE.

本州的限制：

BUSINESSES ARE NOW COMPLETELY OPEN, AND EVEN THE MASK MANDATE

企業現在已經完全開放，甚至連面具的規定也開放了。

HAS BEEN LIFTED.

已經被解除了。

TO WHICH MOST TEXANS REPLIED, "WHAT MASK MANDATE?"

大多數德州人回答說："什麼面具授權？"

TEXAS IS DOING THIS OVER THE OBJECTION OF HEALTH OFFICIALS.

德州是在衛生官員的反對下這樣做的。

I GUESS THIS IS WHY THEY SAY, "DON'T MESS WITH TEXAS."

我想這就是為什麼他們說 "別惹德州"。

BECAUSE THEY ARE (/ BLEEP/ ) CRAZY.

因為他們都是瘋子。

BY THE WAY, MISSISSIPPI ANNOUNCED SIMILAR PLANS A SHORT

順便說一下，密西西比州宣佈了類似的計劃，一個短的時間。

WHILE LATER...

雖然後來...

BUT C'MON.

但是，來吧。

IT'S MISSISSIPPI.

這是密西西比州。

NOBODY CARES.

沒有人關心。

(LAUGHTER) >> James: MY NOSE -- IT'S

詹姆斯： 我的鼻子 - 這是

REALLY ITCHY.

真的很癢。

>> I HAVE A POINT IF YOU WANT TO FIX IT.

>> 我有一個觀點，如果你想解決它。

A CERTAIN UNEDITED POINT.

某一未經編輯的點。

>> James: THIS IS ONE LINE?

>> 詹姆斯。 這是一條線？

>> SORRY, TOOK US THIS LONG TO TELL YOU.

>> 對不起，我們花了這麼長時間來告訴你。

NOW YOU CAN RELAX.

現在你可以放鬆了。

>> James: OH NOW I CAN JUST RELAX AND SEE WHERE THINGS GO.

>> 詹姆斯。 哦，現在我可以放鬆，看看事情的發展。

NOW I DON'T HAVE TO STICK SO RIGIDLY TO THE SCRIPT!

現在我不用那麼嚴格地按照劇本來了!

THIS AFTERNOON, PRESIDENT BIDEN SPOKE FORCEFULLY ABOUT ALL THIS,

今天晚上，比登主席很強硬地說出了這一切。

SLAMMING TEXAS AND MISSISSIPPI FOR, "NEANDERTHAL THINKING."

抨擊德州和密西西比州的 "NEANDERTHAL思維"。

THAT'S RIGHT PEOPLE, WE'VE OFFICIALLY HIT "NEANDERTHAL

這是正確的人，我們已經正式打 "NEANDERTHAL"。

LEVELS" ON THE MALARKEY SCALE.

馬拉基等級表上的 "等級"。

WHEN HE HEARD BIDEN'S COMMENT TED CRUZ WAS LIKE ...

當他聽到比登的評論時，特德-克魯茲就像... ...

>> THAT'S NOT FUNNY!

>> 這不好玩！

THAT'S NOT FUNNY!

這不好玩！

>> THANKFULLY.

>> 謝謝你。

>> THAT'S NOT FUNNY!

>> 這不好玩！

>> James: AND DID ANYBODY SEE THIS?

>> 詹姆斯。 有人看到這個嗎？

JAPANESE BILLIONAIRE YUSAKU MAZAZWA IS SEEKING EIGHT

日本億萬富翁馬澤雄正在尋找8個。

VOLUNTEERS FOR THE FIRST SPACEX FLIGHT AROUND THE MOON IN 2023.

2023年首次繞月飛行的志願者。

APPLICATIONS ARE NOW OPEN FOR THE TRIP, WHICH WILL BE

這次旅行現在已經開始申請，將於2012年9月1日開始。

COMPLETELY PAID FOR BY THE BILLIONAIRE.

完全由億萬富翁支付。

SO, THAT GUY IS DEFINITELY HUNTING THESE PEOPLE ON THE

所以，那個傢伙肯定是在獵殺這些人的。

MOON, RIGHT?

月亮，對吧？

(LAUGHTER) >> James: THE MISSION WOULD

詹姆斯。 任務將

FLY AROUND THE MOON BUT NOT LAND ON IT.

繞著月亮飛，但不落在它。

FTC THE MOON IS KIND OF LIKE THE

FTC月球是有點像的。

EIFFEL TOWER-- YOU GET THERE TAKE SOME PHOTOS IN FRONT

艾菲爾塔--你到了那裡就在前面拍幾張照片。

BUT IT'S NOT WORTH ACTUALLY GOING INSIDE.

但它不值得實際去裡面。

THIS BILLIONAIRE WILL PAY PEOPLE TO BE HIS COMPANIONS.

這個億萬富翁會付錢給別人做他的夥伴。

I FOUND THAT A BIT SAD.

我覺得有點難過。

DON'T YOU?

你不覺得嗎？

IAN?

IAN？

REGGIE?

雷吉？

BAND?

樂隊？

CREW?

CREW?

ISN'T IT SAD THAT THIS GUY HAS TO PAY PEOPLE TO BE AROUND HIM

這傢伙要花錢僱人圍著他轉，這不是很悲哀嗎？

LAUGH AT HIS JOKES, PAY ATTENTION TO HIM?

嘲笑他的笑話，注意他？

ONCE A DAY?

一天一次？

VERY SAD.

非常悲傷。

(LAUGHTER) >> James: AND THIS IS SOMEWHAT

（笑） >> 詹姆斯。而這是一些

ALARMING.

警報：

ACCORDING TO A NEW STUDY, ROUGHLY ONE THIRD OF AMERICANS

根據一項新的研究，大約有三分之一的美國人都是這樣。

THINK THAT THE POLITICAL DIVIDE IS SO DEEP IN THIS COUNTRY THAT

認為政治分歧在這個國家是如此之深，以至於

THEY WOULD SUPPORT SPLITTING UP THE UNITED STATES INTO

他們會支持將美國分割成不同的國家。

LIKE-MINDED "REGIONS."

志同道合的 "區域"。

AMERICA'S GETTING DIVORCED?

美國要離婚了？

WHICH MEANS IN A COUPLE OF MONTHS, AMERICA IS GOING TO FLY

這意味著在幾個月內，美國要飛了。

TO JAMAICA TO GET HER GROOVE BACK.

到牙買加去找回她的節奏。

I THINK IT WOULD BE A LOT MORE FUN IF THE REGIONS WERE RANDOMLY

我想，如果各地區都是隨機的，那會更有趣。

ASSEMBLED BY PICKING NAMES OUT OF A HAT.

從帽子裡挑出名字組裝而成。

"OKAY, RHODE ISLAND, NEW MEXICO.

"好的，羅德島，新墨西哥州。

AND ALASKA.

和阿拉斯加。

YOU'RE A TEAM, FIGURE IT OUT.

你們是一個團隊，想辦法解決。

FLORIDA IS ALREADY WORKING ON THEIR NATION'S FLAG, WHICH WILL

佛羅里達州已經在製作國旗，這將是

BE A PAIR OF JEAN SHORTS WITH AN ALLIGATOR PAINTED ON IT.

是一雙牛仔短褲，上面畫著一個結盟者。

AND HERE IS A STORY WE WANTS TO TELL YOU ABOUT.

這就是我們想告訴你的一個故事。

EVERYONE HERE FAMILIAR WITH "MICRODOSING?"

這裡的每個人都熟悉 "微劑量 "嗎？

YOU KNOW, TAKING A VERY SMALL AMOUNT OF L.S.D. ON A DAILY

你知道，每天服用少量的L. S. D.

BASIS?

BASIS？

WELL, ACCORDING TO A NEW STUDY THE BENEFITS OF MICRODOSING ARE

好吧，根據一項新的研究，微劑量的好處是。

PURELY PLACEBO.

PURELY PLACEBO。

PLACEBO, OF COURSE, IS THE NAME OF THE PURPLE ZEBRA WHO SUDDENLY

PLACEBO，當然，是紫色斑馬的名字，他忽然就...

MORPHS INTO A BATHMAT.

莫爾普斯進入一個浴盆。

THIS IS TRUE!

這是真的！

THERE MAY BE NO BENEFITS TO MICRODOSING.

微量攝取可能沒有好處。

YOU MEAN TO TELL ME THAT BY TAKING TINY LITTLE BITS OF

你的意思是告訴我，通過服用一小部分的

L.S.D. EVERYDAY ISN'T MEDICALLY SOUND?

L.S.D. EVERYDAY不是醫學上的健全嗎？

WHETHER THEY TOOK ACTUAL L.S.D.

他們是否採取實際的L.S.D.。

OR PLACEBOS, ALL PARTICIPANTS IN THE STUDY SHOWED A SIGNIFICANT

或PLACEBOS，所有參與者在研究中都表現出明顯的。

INCREASE IN... TELLING ANYONE WHO WOULD LISTEN HOW THEY

增加...告訴任何願意聽的人，他們是如何... ...

STARTED MICRODOSING AND "IT LIKE, TOTALLY CHANGED THEIR

開始用微粉，"它好像完全改變了他們的生活。

LIFE."

生活。"

BAND, I FEEL LIKE THIS NEWS HAS HIT YOU HARD...

樂隊，我覺得這個新聞對你打擊很大... ...

WHO'S MICRO-DOSED IN THE BAND?

誰是樂隊裡的微劑量？

>> I HAVE.

>> 我有。

MUSHROOMS NOT LSD.

蘑菇不是LSD。

>> James: MUSHROOMS YOU CAN BARELY FEEL THAT RIGHT?

>> James: 蘑菇你可以勉強感覺到，對不對？

>> CHANGED HIS LIFE.

>> 改變了他的生活。

>> James: BE HONEST, HOW MANY DRUGS ARE IN YOUR SYSTEM RIGHT

>> 詹姆斯。 老實說，有多少藥物是在你的系統中的權利。

NOW?

現在？

>> JUST ONE.

>> 只有一個。

>> James: LOVE?

>> 詹姆斯。 愛？

>> THE GREATEST DRUG OF ALL.

>> 最偉大的藥物的所有。

>> James: AND THERE WAS NO WAY WE WOULDN'T SHOW YOU THIS.

>> 詹姆斯。 我們不可能不給你看這個。

A PHOTO OF A RARE SEA WORM.

一張罕見的海蟲的照片。

WE SHOULD DO, A RARE SEA WORM THAT CAN GROW UP TO EIGHT INCHES

我們要做的是，一種能長到八英寸的稀有海蟲。

LONG, HAS GONE VIRAL ON SOCIAL MEDIA.

長，已經在社交媒體上廣為流傳。

HAVE A LOOK AT IT HIRE.

有一個看看它的僱用。

YOU CAN SEE WHY IT BLEW UP ON SOCIAL MEDIA CAN'T YOU, BECAUSE

你可以看到為什麼它在社交媒體上大放異彩，不是嗎，因為。

IT LOOKS LIKE AN AIR POD.

它看起來像一個氣墊。

THAT HAS TO BE ABSOLUTELY TERRIFYING FROM THE GUY WHO

這必須是絕對可怕的傢伙誰的。

DISCOVERED IT.

發現了它。

HE MUST HAVE BEEN LIKE -- PEOPLE IN LINE ARE CALLING IT THE SEA

他一定是喜歡... ... 人們在行的人都把它稱為海洋。

PENIS.

PENIS：

YOU KNOW WHAT, I'M NOT.

你知道嗎，我不是。

I CALL IT THE (BLEEP)

我叫它"（嗶嗶）