WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."

歡迎來到 "深夜秀"。

I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.

我是你的主播，史蒂芬-科爾伯特。

MMM...

MMM...

OOOH...

哦...

WELL, IT'S GOOD TO SEE YOU AGAIN.

很高興再次見到你。

HOW LONG HAVE I BEEN GONE?

我走了多久了？

>> A WEEK.

>>一個星期。

>> Stephen: A WEEK.

>> 史蒂芬：一個星期。

I MISSED YOU.

我很想你

I HOPE YOU MISSED ME.

我希望你能想念我。

SO MUCH HAS CHANGED IN THAT NOTHING IS CHANGING.

這麼多的變化在，沒有什麼是改變的。

BECAUSE THE BIG STORY TODAY IS I'M STILL HERE

因為今天的大事件是我還在這裡。

YOU'RE STILL THERE, AND WE'VE BEEN THAT WAY FOR ALMOST A YEAR.

你還在那裡，我們已經在那裡呆了一年多了。

WE'RE APPROACHING THE PANDEMIC'S FIRST ANNIVERSARY.

我們即將迎來PANDEMIC的一週年紀念日。

TRADITIONALLY, THE GIFT IS PAPER, ON A ROLL, NEXT TO A

傳統上，禮物是紙，一卷一卷的，旁邊有一張紙。

TOILET.

TOILET：

BUT EVEN AS THE DEATH TOLL CROSSES HALF A MILLION, THERE IS

但是，即使死亡人數超過50萬，也還有

GOOD NEWS: PRESIDENT BIDEN EXPECTS TO SURPASS HIS GOAL

好消息：比登總統預計將超額完成他的目標。比登總統預計將超額完成他的目標。

OF 100 MILLION SHOTS IN 100 DAYS, AND LAST WEEK, THE DAILY

100天1億次射擊，而上週，《每日》雜誌就有了這樣的報道。

INOCULATION AVERAGE CLIMBED TO 1.7 MILLION SHOTS PER DAY.

平均接種量攀升至每天170萬次。

SO, THE MAIN QUESTION ON EVERYONE'S MIND IS: WHEN WILL

所以，每個人心中的主要問題是：什麼時候...

THINGS BE NORMAL?

事情是正常的？

ONE PROFESSOR AT JOHNS HOPKINS SAYS, "WE'LL HAVE HERD IMMUNITY

約翰霍普金斯大學的一位教授說："我們將擁有牛群免疫力。

BY APRIL."

四月前。"

APRIL?

APRIL?

THAT'S GREAT!

那是偉大的！

BUT IT DOES MEAN I ACTUALLY HAVE TO GET STARTED ON MY BEACH BOD'.

但這意味著我實際上必須開始在我的海灘身體"。

RIGHT NOW I'M ROCKIN' MORE OF A WASHED-UP-ON-THE-BEACH BOD'.

現在我更多的是在海灘上洗漱的身體。

MAYBE FISHED OUT OF THE RIVER, DRAGGED OUT OF THE LAKE.

也許是被從河裡撈出來，從湖裡拖出來。

OF COURSE, AS EXCITING AS THIS PREDICTION IS, KEEP IN MIND, IT

當然，由於這個預測是令人興奮的，請記住，它是

FIRST APPEARED IN "THE NEW ENGLAND JOURNAL OF TELLING YOU

首發於《新英格蘭新聞雜誌》。

WHAT YOU WANT TO HEAR."

你想聽什麼。"

THIS MONTH'S COVER STORY: "MOST PEOPLE YOUR AGE CAN'T PULL OFF A

本月封面故事："大多數和你同齡的人都不能脫掉衣服。

LEATHER JACKET, BUT YOU LOOK GREAT!"

皮夾克，但你看起來很棒！"

SO, IT'S HAPPENING!

所以，它的發生！

WE'RE GOING BACK TO NORMAL IN APRIL!

我們四月要恢復正常了!

OR AS PRESIDENT BIDEN PUT IT SLIGHTLY DIFFERENTLY:

或如比登主席所言，略有不同。

>> BY NEXT CHRISTMAS.

>> 下個聖誕節前。

>> STEPHEN: ALL RIGHT, FINE.

>> 好的，很好。

NEXT CHRISTMAS.

下一個聖誕節。

WHATEVER.

什麼的。

AT LEAST AT THIS YEAR'S FAMILY MEALS, WE WON'T BE SAYING,

至少在今年的家宴上，我們不會說，

"UNCLE PHIL, YOU'RE ON MUTE!" WE'LL BE SAYING, "I WISH WE

"菲爾叔叔，你是靜音的！"我們會說，"我希望我們...

COULD PUT UNCLE PHIL ON MUTE."

可以把菲利普叔叔關靜音。"

ANYWAY, IT'S THE PERFECT CHRISTMAS GIFT... FOR THE GRINCH

無論如何，這是完美的聖誕禮物... ...對於GRINCH

TO STEAL.

竊取。

BECAUSE DR. FAUCI SAYS IT'S POSSIBLE WE'LL STILL BE WEARING

因為Dr. FAUCI說FAUCI醫生說，我們有可能會繼續戴著它

MASKS IN 2022.

2022年的面具。

GREAT!

太好了！

WE'LL BE BACK TO NORMAL BY APRIL-- CHRISTMAS A YEAR AND A

HALF FROM NOW.

從現在起半價。

ONE OF THOSE!

其中之一！

ANY ONE OF THOSE!

其中任何一個！

LET ME PUT IT THIS WAY -- IF THIS WERE CLIMBING MOUNT

讓我這樣說吧 -- 如果這是攀登的山峰。

EVEREST, WE'D EITHER BE ABOUT TO SUMMIT, SET UP BASE CAMP, OR

埃弗里斯特，我們要麼是要去度假，要麼是要去建立基地，要麼是要去建立營地。

THINKING ABOUT BUYING A CLIF BAR AT CVS.

想著在CVS買個CLIF BAR。

BUT WHATEVER THAT -- YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

但不管怎樣，你知道我在說什麼嗎？

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M FEELING, RIGHT?

你知道我在想什麼，對吧？

WELL, THEN -- WHERE ARE WE IN WE'RE, LIKE, IN PURGATORY HERE!

好吧，那麼... ...我們在哪裡... ...我們在這裡，就像，在PURGATORY！

WHENEVER NORMAL HAPPENS, THIS COUNTRY IS MORE THAN READY. IN

只要正常情況發生，這個國家就會做好準備。在

FACT, A NEW SURVEY FOUND THAT 38% OF AMERICANS WOULD GIVE UP

事實上，一項最新調查發現，38%的美國人願意放棄。

SEX FOR A YEAR TO GO ON A TRIP IMMEDIATELY.

SEX一年去旅行即時。

WHICH MEANS AN ASTOUNDING 38% OF AMERICANS HAVE HAD SEX THIS

這意味著驚人的38％的美國人已經發生了性關係，這。

YEAR.

年。

EVIDENTLY, SOME PEOPLE ARE TURNED ON BY A HOT BOWL OF

很明顯，有些人被一碗熱騰騰的...

COUCH LASAGNA.

COUCH LASAGNA.

MMM!

MMM！

YOU'RE LOOKING LOGY.

你看LOGY。

THERE WAS A LITTLE NEWS TIDBIT YOU MIGHT'VE MISSED LAST WEEK

上週有一條你可能會錯過的小新聞

WHEN THE SENATE ACQUITTED THE FORMER PRESIDENT IN HIS SECOND

當參議院在前任主席的第二任期內收買他時

IMPEACHMENT TRIAL FOR INSURRECTION.

因保險而進行的缺席審判；

WE WERE ON BREAK WHEN IT HAPPENED, BUT I PROMISE WE'LL

我們在休息的時候，它發生了，但我保證我們將

HAVE FULL COVERAGE OF HIS THIRD IMPEACHMENT.

對他的第三次執政進行全面報道。

BUT OL' DOLT 45'S NOT OUT OF THE WOODS YET.

但是，OL'DOLT 45'S還沒有走出木頭。

BECAUSE TODAY, THE SUPREME COURT DENIED HIS FINAL BID TO BLOCK

因為今天，最高法院駁回了他的最後一次阻撓請求。

THE RELEASE OF HIS TAX RETURNS.

釋放他的稅收回報。

WOO!

嗚！

♪♪♪ THAT'S IT!

就是這樣！

THANK YOU!

謝謝你！

THAT WAS HARDLY EVEN DANGEROUS!

那根本就不危險!

( LAUGHTER ) OH!

（笑）哦！

BREAK OUT THE CHAMPAGNE GLASSES!

拿出香榭麗舍玻璃杯來!

AND MY READING GLASSES!

還有我的閱讀眼鏡！

THERE'S GONNA BE SOME FINE PRINT!

一定會有一些精美的印刷品！

I'LL GIVE YOU THE 4-1-1 ON THE 1099'S IN OUR NEW, HOPEFULLY

我會給你4-1-1在我們新的，希望的1099 S

VERY RECURRING SEGMENT: >> LOCK HIM UP!

非常循環的部分。>> 把他鎖起來！

LOCK HIM UP!

把他鎖起來！

LOCK HIM UP!

把他鎖起來！

LOCK HIM UP!

把他鎖起來！

>> Stephen: THE NICE THING ABOUT BEING GONE, BECAUSE YOU

>> 斯蒂芬：離開的好處，因為你

DON'T MISS A STEP -- I STILL GOT IT, BABY!

不要錯過一個步驟 - 我仍然得到它，寶貝！

FOR YEARS, THE FORMER PRESIDENT -- I THOUGHT IT WAS GOING TO BE

多年來，前總統 -- 我以為會是... ...

ONE OF THOSE POPPER THINGS THAT REALLY ENDANGERS EVERYONE AROUND

其中的一個流行的東西，真正危及周圍的人

YOU.

你。

THIS IS WHY REHEARSAL IS HANDY.

這就是為什麼排練是很容易的。

FOR YEARS, THE FORMER PRESIDENT HAS BEEN DESPERATE TO PREVENT

多年來，前總統一直急於防止......。

PROSECUTORS FROM GETTING THEIR HANDS ON ANY DOCUMENTS THAT

檢察官不得接觸到任何文件，這些文件包括

MIGHT GET HIM IN LEGAL TROUBLE.

可能會讓他陷入法律糾紛。

SO... ANY DOCUMENTS.

所以... 任何文件。

BUT TODAY, THE HIGH COURT RULED THAT HE HAD TO HAND OVER HIS

但今天，高等法院裁定他必須交出他的。

FINANCIAL HISTORY TO THE MANHATTAN D.A., WHO'S BEEN

曼哈頓地檢署的財務歷史，誰是？

CONDUCTING A CRIMINAL INVESTIGATION THAT COULD LEAD TO

進行刑事調查，可能會導致：

CONSPIRACY FRAUD CHARGES, WHICH ARE B FELONIES.

陰謀詐騙罪，屬於B級重罪。

GOOD.

好的。

'CAUSE HE "B" A FELON.

因為他是個罪犯。

GIVEN THE POTENTIAL CHARGES, THE FORMER PRESIDENT COULD BE SENT

如果有可能的指控，前總統可能會被判刑。

TO JAIL IF CONVICTED.

如果被定罪，將被關進監獄。

I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE IT ALL PLAY OUT IN THE NEW NETFLIX SERIES

我迫不及待地想在新的NETFLIX系列中看到這一切。

"ORANGE IS THE NEW ORANGE."

"橙色是新的橙色。"

NOBODY KNOWS WHAT THE EXACT CHARGES RELATED TO THE FAMILY

沒有人知道與該家庭有關的具體指控是什麼。

BUSINESS ARE YET, BUT THEY COULD IMPLICATE COMPANY EXECUTIVES DON

業務是有的，但他們可以暗示公司的執行人員不。

JR. AND ERIC.

JR.和ERIC。

(AS ERIC) "DAD!

爸爸！

THE JUDGE SAYS WE GET TO HAVE A SLEEPOVER!

法官說，我們要有一個睡衣！

FOR 10 YEARS!

10年了！

I CALL TOP BUNK!

我叫上鋪！

I'M GONNA MAKE TOILET HOOCH!" IT'S OKAY IF YOU HAVE TO SHIV

"我要去做菜單了！"沒關係，如果你必須SHIV。

ME.

我。

( LAUGHTER ) IN RESPONSE, THE FORMER

前任行政長官在回應時表示

PRESIDENT CALLED IT A "FISHING EXPEDITION."

主席稱其為 "捕魚探險"。

(AS ERIC) "DAD, WE'RE GOING FISHING, TOO!

（作為埃裡克）"爸爸，我們要去釣魚，太！

JUST LIKE IN THE ANDY GRIFFITH SHOW!"

就像在安迪-格里菲斯節目中一樣！"

(WHISTLES BADLY) I THINK I'M DOING MYSELF

我想我是在自討苦吃。

PERIODONTAL DAMAGE WHEN I DO THAT

當我這樣做的時候，牙周損傷。

WHEN ASKED WHETHER THIS WAS A SO-CALLED FISHING EXPEDITION,

當被問及這是否是一次所謂的捕魚探險時，

THE MANHATTAN D.A. RESPONDED: >> YOU'RE GONNA NEED A BIGGER

曼哈頓地方檢察官迴應：>> 你需要一個更大的...

BOAT.

船：

>> STEPHEN: THINGS CONTINUE TO BE ROUGH DOWN IN TEXAS.

>> 德州的情況仍然很糟糕。

LAST WEEK, THE LONE STAR STATE WAS HIT BY A FREAK WINTER STORM

上週，孤星州遭受了一場可怕的冬季風暴襲擊

THAT KNOCKED OUT POWER.

這敲掉了電源。

MILLIONS OF TEXANS ARE STILL WITHOUT RUNNING WATER, AND THERE

數百萬德克薩斯人仍然沒有自來水，而且還有

ARE FOOD SHORTAGES ACROSS THE STATE.

是食品短缺全州。

IF YOU'RE LOOKING TO HELP, AND I KNOW YOU ARE, WE HAVE SOME

如果你想尋求幫助，我知道你是，我們有一些。

SUGGESTED CHARITIES YOU CAN DONATE TO.

建議您可以捐助的慈善機構。

JUST HEAD OVER TO COLBERTLATESHOW.COM

請前往COLBERTLATESHOW.COM。

/TEXAS.

/TEXAS：

AND PLEASE GIVE GENEROUSLY.

請慷慨解囊。

NOW, THIS MIGHT SHOCK YOU, BUT THERE ARE STATES BESIDES TEXAS

現在，這可能會讓你感到震驚，但是除了德州之外，還有一些州。

THAT HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE PHENOMENON OF WINTER.

必須處理冬季的幽靈。

IT'S TRUE.

這是真的。

YOU CAN LOOK IT UP.

你可以找找看。

SO, WHY DID THEY LOSE POWER AND WATER AND HEAT?

那麼，為什麼他們失去了電力、水和熱能？

IN TEXAS, ALL OF THOSE THINGS ARE DEPENDENT UPON THEIR

在德州，所有這些事情都取決於他們的。

ELECTRICAL GRID, AND IN AN EFFORT TO AVOID FEDERAL

電網，並努力避免聯邦的影響。

REGULATION, TEXAS IS THE ONLY STATE IN THE CONTINENTAL UNITED

監管，德克薩斯州是美國大陸唯一的州。

STATES TO OPERATE ITS OWN GRID.

國家營運自己的電網。

WELL, TEXANS LIKE TO HAVE THEIR OWN STUFF: GRIDS, TOASTS, AND

好吧，德州人喜歡有自己的東西，網格，吐司，和

CHAINSAW MASSACRES.

鏈鋸鋸開。

IN ADDITION, TEXAS IS A FAN OF EXTREME CAPITALISM, SO THEY

此外，德州是極端資本主義的愛好者，所以他們。

HANDED THEIR GRID OVER TO THE INVISIBLE HAND OF THE MARKET.

把他們的網格交給了市場這隻無形的手。

MEANING THAT ANYTIME THERE'S A LACK OF SUPPLY AND A HUGE

意思是說，每當出現供應不足和巨大的

DEMAND, PRICES SKYROCKET.

需求，價格暴漲。

OUT OF CONTROL.

失控。

SO, LAST WEEK, IN THE MIDDLE OF THIS ARCTIC BLAST, ELECTRICITY

所以，上週，在這場北極爆炸中，電力系統

IN TEXAS APPROACHED $9,000 PER MEGAWATT/HOUR.

在德州，每兆瓦/小時接近9,000美元。

WHICH IS AN INCREASE OF 180 TIMES THE AVERAGE RATE BEFORE

這比之前的平均速度增加了180倍。

THE STORM.

風暴。

ONE MAN WAS STUCK WITH A $16,752 ELECTRIC BILL.

有一個人被16752美元的電費纏住了。

TO WHICH AMERICA'S FATHERS REPLIED, "THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS

美國的父親們回答說："這就是發生的事情。

WHEN YOU PUSH THE THERMOSTAT ABOVE 66!

當你把溫度調節器推到66以上的時候!

I'M PUTTING SOME TAPE ON IT!

我正在給它錄影！

I'M TAPING IT DOWN!

我要把它錄下來！

WE'RE NOT HEATING THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD!

我們沒有給整個社區供暖！

SO, CLEARLY, THE SYSTEM IS VERY BAD FOR THE PEOPLE, BUT VERY

所以，很明顯，這個系統對人民非常不利，但也非常重要。

GOOD FOR THE ENERGY COMPANIES, SOME OF WHICH EARNED MORE PROFIT

對能源公司有利，其中一些公司獲得了更多的利潤。

ON MONDAY AND TUESDAY ALONE THAN THEY WOULD HAVE GAINED

單單在週一和週二，就比他們本應獲得的收益多出一倍

THROUGH AN ENTIRE YEAR OF NORMAL OPERATION.

通過一整年的正常運行。

AS ONE ENERGY COMPANY SPOKESMAN EXPLAINED, "GOLD!

正如一家能源公司的發言人所解釋的那樣，"黃金！"。

GOLD!

金！

I'M RICH, I TELL YOU.

我很有錢，我告訴你。

GOLD!" SO, IT'S NO WONDER TEXAS POWER

金子！"所以，這並不奇怪，德州電力公司。

COMPANIES DID NOT PREPARE FOR THIS DISASTER, EVEN THOUGH

公司沒有為這場災難做好準備，即使是

BACK IN 2011, FEDERAL REGULATORS WARNED TEXAS THAT ITS POWER

早在2011年，聯邦監管機構就警告德克薩斯州，我的權力。

PLANTS COULDN'T BE COUNTED ON TO RELIABLY CHURN OUT ELECTRICITY

電廠無法可靠地提供電力。

IN BITTERLY COLD CONDITIONS.

在嚴寒的條件下。

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY, "THOSE WHO FAIL TO LEARN FROM

但你知道他們說什麼嗎，"那些不學無術的人...

HISTORY WERE PROBABLY EDUCATED IN TEXAS."

歷史上的人可能是在德克薩斯接受教育的。"

THAT WARNING CAME FROM THE FEDERAL ENERGY REGULATORY

該警告來自聯邦能源監管局。

COMMISSION OR "FERC."

委員會或 "FERC"。

NO ONE LISTENED, AND NOW, "ERMEGERD.

沒有人聽，現在，"ERMEGERD。

TEXAS IS FERC'D."

德州是FERC'D。"

THE GUY IN CHARGE OF THE LONE STAR STATE BACK THEN WAS FORMER

當年負責龍星州的人是前總統。

TEXAS GOVERNOR AND MAN WONDERING WHAT HAPPENS TO THE SUN AT

德州州長和男子想知道太陽在哪裡？

NIGHT, RICK PERRY.

晚安，RICK PERRY

LAST WEEK, PERRY DEFENDED HIS STATE'S LUDICROUS ENERGY SETUP,

上週，佩裡為他的州的奢侈能源設置辯護。

SAYING, "TEXANS WOULD BE WITHOUT ELECTRICITY FOR LONGER THAN

說，"德州人將會在更長的時間內沒有電力。

THREE DAYS TO KEEP THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT OUT OF THEIR

三天時間，讓聯邦政府不要插手他們的事情。

BUSINESS."

業務。"

THAT STATEMENT WAS SO DUMB, RICK PERRY IMMEDIATELY TRIED TO MAKE

該聲明是如此愚蠢，裡克-佩裡立即試圖讓

HIMSELF SEEM SMARTER BY WEARING A SECOND PAIR OF GLASSES.

戴上第二副眼鏡讓自己看起來更聰明。

OF COURSE, THERE'S ONE GUY IN TEXAS GIVING RICK PERRY A RUN

當然，在德州有一個人在給裡克-派瑞打下手。

FOR HIS DUMMY: SENATOR AND MAN WHOSE FACE WAS SEIZED BY AN

為他的愚蠢：參議員和臉部被查封的男人。

ANGRY MOB, THEN TARRED AND PUBED, TED CRUZ.

憤怒的暴徒，然後撕毀並公佈，TED CRUZ。

AT THE HEIGHT OF THE CRISIS LAST WEEK, FOLKS ON SOCIAL MEDIA

在上週危機最嚴重的時候，社交媒體上的人們。

SPOTTED TED CRUZ BOARDING A FLIGHT TO CANCUN.

發現泰德-克魯茲登上了飛往坎昆的班機。

'CAUSE YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY, "WHEN THE GOING GETS TOUGH, TED

"因為你知道他們說什麼，"當困難的時候，TED。

CRUZ GETS GONE."

克魯茲走了。"

THE SENATOR GOT A LOT OF CRITICISM, SO HE IMMEDIATELY

參議員受到了很多責備，所以他馬上就...

SWALLOWED HIS PRIDE, PULLED HIMSELF UP BY HIS OWN

打消了他的自尊心，靠自己的力量把自己拉了起來

BOOTSTRAPS, AND THREW HIS DAUGHTERS UNDER A BUS:

靴帶，並把他的女兒扔到巴士下面。

"WITH SCHOOL CANCELED FOR THE WEEK, OUR GIRLS ASKED TO TAKE A

"由於本週學校取消了，我們的女孩們要求請假。

TRIP WITH FRIENDS.

與朋友一起旅行。

WANTING TO BE A GOOD DAD, I FLEW DOWN WITH THEM LAST NIGHT AND AM

我想做個好爸爸，昨晚和他們一起飛了下來，現在...

FLYING BACK THIS AFTERNOON."

今天晚上飛回來。"

SEE?

看到了嗎？

HE WAS JUST BEING A GOOD DAD.

他只是在做一個好爸爸。

UNLIKE ALL THOSE TERRIBLE FATHERS WHO WERE HUDDLING WITH

不像所有那些可怕的父親誰是哈多德與。

THEIR KIDS FOR WARMTH.

他們的孩子的溫暖。

REMINDS ME OF F.D.R.'S FAMOUS SPEECH:

讓我想起了F. D. R. 的著名演講。

>> DECEMBER 7, 1941, A DAY THAT WAS MY DAUGHTER ANNA'S FAULT!

>> 1941年12月7日，是我女兒安娜的錯的一天！

COME ON, HONEY, WHY DIDN'T YOU WARN ME THE JAPANESE WERE

來吧，親愛的，你為什麼不警告我日本人是。

COMING?!

來了？

YOU'RE GROUNDED!

你被禁足了！

>> STEPHEN: TURNS OUT, IT WASN'T ONLY COWARDLY, IT WAS A LIE.

>> 事實證明，這不僅是懦弱，更是謊言。

BECAUSE ACCORDING TO A LEAK FROM UNITED AIRLINES, CRUZ WAS

因為根據聯合航空公司的消息，克魯茲是：

INITIALLY BOOKED TO RETURN HOME SATURDAY AND HE BOOKED HIS

最初預訂週六回家，他預訂了他的。

RETURN TICKET AT 6:00 A.M.

早上6:00退票。

THURSDAY.

週四：

OH, THAT'S EMBARRASSING.

哦，這是令人尷尬的。

PLUS, HE WAS IN COACH, SO THEY CHARGED HIM $25 TO CHECK HIS

而且，他是在教練，所以他們收取他25美元檢查他的。

DOUCHE-BAG.

DOUCHE-BAG。

AS PART OF THE FALLOUT, UNITED IS INVESTIGATING THE FLIGHT INFO

作為後果的一部分，聯合體正在調查飛行資訊。

LEAK.

洩漏。

THAT'S GOING TO BE TRICKY.

這將是棘手的。

"OKAY, WHO WOULD HAVE LEAKED THIS?

"好吧，誰會洩露這個？

WHO HATES TED CRUZ?

誰恨TED CRUZ？

OKAY, IS THERE ANY WAY TO NARROW THAT DOWN?"

好吧，有沒有什麼辦法把它縮小？"

AFTER TED FLEW BACK TO TEXAS, HE DECIDED TO FESS UP TO THE

特德回到德克薩斯後，他決定承認自己的身份。

REPORTERS: >> I STARTED HAVING SECOND

REPORTERS:>>我開始有第二次世界大戰了

THOUGHTS ALMOST THE MOMENT I SAT DOWN ON THE PLANE.

我坐在飛機上的那一刻起，就在想。

LEAVING WHEN SO MANY TEXANS WERE HURTING DIDN'T FEEL RIGHT, SO I

離開時，這麼多的德州人受到傷害不覺得是對的，所以我。

CHANGED MY RETURN FLIGHT AND FLEW BACK ON THE FIRST AVAILABLE

改變了我的回程班機，並飛回了第一個可用的。

FLIGHT I COULD TAKE.

我可以採取的飛行。

>> STEPHEN: TOO LATE, YOU ALREADY DID THE BAD THING, AND

>> 太晚了，你已經做了壞事，而且... ...

WE KNOW YOU LIED ABOUT IT!

我們知道你撒謊了！

IT'S LIKE AN OLD TIMEY VILLAIN GOING, "YOU KNOW, TYING THAT

這就像一箇舊時代的惡棍走，"你知道，打的是

DAMSEL TO THE TRAIN TRACKS JUST DIDN'T FEEL RIGHT.

DAMSEL到火車軌道只是沒有感覺到權利。

SO I TOOK THE FIRST TRAIN BACK AFTER THE ACCIDENT SO I COULD BE

所以我在事故發生後坐了第一班火車回來，所以我可以... ...

HERE FOR THE GRIEVING FAMILY.

在這裡為GRIEVING家庭。

WHICH BOX HAS THE HEAD?" IN TYPICAL TED CRUZ FASHION,

"哪個盒子是頭？"在典型的TED CRUZ時尚，

EVERY DETAIL THAT COMES OUT OF THIS STORY IS MORE TED CRUZ-IER

這個故事中出現的每一個細節，都是TED CRUZ-IER的作品

THAN THE LAST ONE.

比上一個。

FOR EXAMPLE, SENATOR TED CRUZ FAILED TO MENTION HIS COLLEGE

例如，參議員TED CRUZ沒有提到他的大學。

ROOMMATE ALSO WAS ALONG FOR THE VISIT.