Welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome to "The Tonight Show"!

歡迎，歡迎，歡迎，歡迎來到 "今夜秀"!

[ Cheers and applause ]

[歡呼聲和掌聲]

Thank you for being here.

謝謝你來這裡。

Well, guys, I hope everyone had a good weekend.

好了，夥計們，希望大家週末過得愉快。

I needed a break, so yesterday I flew to Cancun and back.

我需要休息一下，所以昨天我飛到坎昆再飛回來。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Yeah, everyone is still talking about this.

是啊，大家還在討論這個問題。

Following the backlash over his trip to Cancun,

繼他的坎昆之行引起反響後。

Senator Ted Cruz spent the weekend trying his best

參議員特德-克魯茲在週末竭盡全力

to help the people of Texas.

來幫助德州的人民。

-Senator Ted Cruz doing damage control

特德-克魯茲參議員在進行損害控制

after his controversial trip to Cancun last week.

在他上週的坎昆之行引起爭議後。

-Cruz sharing these images over the weekend,

-克魯茲在週末分享了這些圖片。

loading water into Texans' cars,

把水裝進德州人的車裡。

many online critical of the post.

許多網上責備的帖子。

-Yeah, people were upset when they realized

-是的，當人們意識到這一點時，他們很不高興

Cruz was loading water into his car.

克魯茲正在往車裡裝水。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

"I'm gonna use this to refill my waterbed."

"我要用這個給我的水床加水。"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Yeah, it seemed like an okay gesture until everyone

是啊，這似乎是一個不錯的姿態，直到每個人都...

noticed the label on the bottles said Ritz Carlton Cancun.

注意到瓶子上的標籤說麗思卡爾頓坎昆。

[ Laughter ] A little souvenir.

[笑]一個小紀念品。

Actually, Cruz wanted to do more,

其實，克魯茲還想做更多。

but he had a parasailing lesson at 3:00, so he --

但他3點要上滑翔傘課 所以他...

People were also upset that Cruz tweeted those pictures himself.

人們也對克魯茲自己在推特上發佈這些照片感到不滿。

Even white people who only posted black squares

連白人都只貼黑方塊

on Instagram were like, "You gotta do more than that."

在Instagram上都喜歡， "你得做更多的。"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Ted Cruz is like the friend who offers to help you move,

特德-克魯茲就像那個主動幫你搬家的朋友。

but every time you see him,

但每次你看到他，

he's just carrying the same box of pillows.

他只是拿著同一盒枕頭。

It's like, "I have to take this call. Can you get the table?

這就像，"我必須要接這個電話。你可以得到的表？

Hello. Yeah. Yeah, just get the heavy things."

你好啊是啊，是啊，就拿重的東西。是啊，只是得到重的東西。"

Yep, the photo-op didn't work out too well.

是的，拍照的效果並不好。

Most people just drove away

大多數人都是開著車走的

when he tried showing them his vacation photos.

當他想給他們看他的度假照片時，

He's like, "You ever think you can get

他說，"你有沒有想過你可以得到。

behind the bar at a Senior Frog's?"

在高級蛙的吧檯後面？"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

But Cruz tried to be helpful in other ways.

但克魯茲試圖在其他方面提供幫助。

Later, he showed Texans how to make frozen margs

後來，他向德克薩斯人展示瞭如何製作冰凍的瑪格。

with the snow in their living rooms.

與他們客廳裡的雪。

[ Audience oohs ]

[觀眾嚯嚯]

Seriously, you know Cruz is having a rough 2021

說真的，你知道克魯茲在2021年的日子很不好過

when fueling a riot at the Capitol is

當助長國會大廈的騷亂時... ...

nowhere near his biggest problem.

遠遠不是他最大的問題。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Things are so bad for Cruz, he spent today thinking about

事情對克魯茲來說太糟糕了，他今天花了很多時間來思考。

the good ol' days when people just thought

良辰吉日

he was the Zodiac Killer.

他是十二生肖殺手。

[ Laughter and applause ]

[笑聲和掌聲]

Also, we're in a pandemic.

還有，我們現在正處於流行病中。

Shaking hands, handing out water, serving food.

握手、遞水、送飯。

Right now, a Carnival cruise is safer than a Ted Cruz.

現在，嘉年華遊輪比泰德克魯茲更安全。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Yeah, Cruz is trying to redeem himself

是啊，Cruz正在努力挽回自己的損失。

after his Mexico trip, but I don't think it's working.

在他的墨西哥之行後，但我不認為它的工作。

Check out what fellow Texans sent to his house yesterday.

看看昨天德州的同胞們給他家送來了什麼。

This is real.

這是真實的。

♪♪

♪♪

Yeah. [ Laughter ]

是啊。[笑聲]

[ Applause ]

[掌聲]

That's real.

那是真的

In honor of Cruz, they played that mariachi classic,

為了紀念克魯茲，他們演奏了那首經典的瑪利亞奇舞曲。

"El Baggo de Douche."

"El Baggo de Douche"。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Meanwhile, Cruz was like, "Play as loud as you want.

同時，克魯茲還說："你想怎麼玩就怎麼玩。

I'm in Tijuana."

我在提華納。"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Some entertainment news -- I saw that Disney+ has added

一些娛樂新聞 -- 我看到Disney+已經增加了以下內容

a warning to a show that you might not expect.

一個你可能想不到的節目的警告。

Watch this.

看這個。

-The return of the iconic "Muppet Show,"

-標誌性的 "布偶秀 "的迴歸。

now coming with a serious new warning --

現在有一個嚴重的新警告 -- --

a content disclaimer at the beginning of 18 episodes,

18集開頭的內容免責聲明。

warning viewers of the program's "negative depictions

警告觀眾該節目的 "負面描述"。

and/or mistreatment of people or cultures."

和/或虐待人民或文化的行為"。

-Yeah, and just to be safe,

-是的，為了安全起見。

Gonzo's nose will also be blurred.

岡仁波齊的鼻子也會變得模糊不清。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

I think they made the right move.

我認為他們的做法是正確的。

In one episode, Fozzie does a stand-up routine

在一集裡，福滋表演了一個脫口秀節目

that begins with, "hickory, dickory, dock."

以 "山核桃，山核桃，碼頭 "開頭的。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Here's some big music news.

這裡有一些重大的音樂新聞。

After 28 years together, Daft Punk is splitting up.

在一起28年後，Daft Punk要解散了。

I'm gonna be honest, they picked a pretty weird time

我說實話，他們選的時間很奇怪

to stop wearing their masks.

停止戴口罩。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

One of the guy's friends was like, "Don't worry.

這傢伙的一個朋友說："別擔心。

You'll find another mute, helmet-wearing synth-pop artist

你會發現另一個啞巴，戴著頭盔的合成器流行音樂人。

who pretends he's a robot that you can start a band with."

誰假裝他是一個機器人，你可以開始一個樂隊。"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Hey, get this.

嘿，得到這個。

I saw that a 18-karat-gold PlayStation 5 is on sale

我看到了18K金的PlayStation 5正在銷售中

for half a million dollars.

50萬美金。

Here's a photo. Look at this.

這裡有一張照片。看看這個。

Wow. Yeah.

哇哦是啊。

Apparently, one of these shows up in the new movie

很明顯，其中一個出現在新電影裡了

"Scarface: The Tween Years."

"刀疤臉：Tween years."

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Well, guys, while most of the country waits to get vaccinated,

好了，夥計們，當全國大部分人都在等待接種疫苗的時候。

two women in Florida were caught trying to cut the line

佛羅里達州的兩名婦女被抓到，試圖切斷線路。

in a pretty strange way.

以一種很奇怪的方式。

Watch this.

看這個。

-The Florida Department of Health says

-佛羅里達州衛生局說

two women dressed up as "grannies"

婆婆媽媽

to try and get a second coronavirus vaccine this week.

以嘗試在本週接種第二支冠狀病毒疫苗。

The sheriff's office says the women were 44 and 34 years old,

警長辦公室說，這兩名女子分別為44歲和34歲。

apparently wearing bonnets, gloves, and glasses

戴帽子、戴手套、戴眼鏡

when they went to the Orange County Convention Center.

當他們去橙縣會議中心的時候。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

-The nurse was like, "Names?"

-護士說："名字？"

And they were like, "Uh, Grace and Frankie?"

他們很喜歡，"呃，格雷斯和弗蘭基？"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Officials got suspicious when the women didn't call six times

女子六次都沒有打電話，官員就起了疑心

to confirm the appointment.

以確認任命。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

-Yeah.

-是的

-Yeah, the women gave themselves away

-是啊，那些女人把自己送出去了

when they seemed unfamiliar with CBS's prime-time lineup.

當他們似乎對CBS的黃金時段陣容不熟悉時。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

In Florida, the only way to prove that you're a senior

在佛羅里達州，唯一能證明你是高三學生的方法就是

is if you have a lower back tattoo of Andy Williams.

是如果你有一個安迪-威廉姆斯的下背部紋身。

Wait, that's not true. Are you sure?

等等，這不是真的。你確定嗎？

And finally, this is strange.

最後，這很奇怪。

I saw that federal agents in Ohio just made

我看到俄亥俄州的聯邦探員剛做了... ...

a pretty, pretty surprising discovery. Check this out.

一個漂亮的，令人驚訝的發現。看看這個。

-Customs agents in Cincinnati found something stronger

-辛辛那提的海關人員發現了更強大的東西。

than sugar on a shipment of Corn Flakes.

玉米片上的糖比。

The cereal was topped with 44 pounds of cocaine

麥片上有44磅的可卡因

worth nearly $3 million.

價值近300萬元。

-It's serious.

-這是嚴重的。

The suspects are expected to receive a sentence of 20 years

嫌疑人有望獲刑20年

to cinnamon life in prison.

到肉桂生活在監獄裡。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

I think the whole incident explains why

我想整個事件說明了為什麼

the Corn Flakes mascot went from a rooster to this.

玉米片的吉祥物從一隻公雞變成了這個。

[ Rooster crowing ]

[公雞叫聲]

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]