Unfortunately, Heather Locklear couldn't be here tonight.

不幸的是，希瑟-洛克利爾今晚不能來了。

- I was married to Bruce Willis

- 我嫁給了布魯斯-威利斯

for the first three "Die Hard" movies.

為前三部《死侍》電影。

Which makes sense, because the last two sucked.

這就說得通了，因為前兩部很爛。

- She may not be the perfect wife.

- 她可能不是一個完美的妻子。

But trust me, she's literally the worst (beep) ex-wife

但相信我，她是最糟糕的（嗶嗶）前妻

on the planet.

在地球上。

- He actually proposed to me.

- 他居然向我求婚。

He gave me a huge rock, and then he smoked it.

他給了我一塊大石頭，然後他把它抽了出來。

(upbeat music) (audience cheering)

(歡快的音樂) (觀眾的歡呼聲)

- Ladies and gentlemen, Demi Moore.

- 女士們，先生們，黛米・摩爾。

(upbeat music) (audience cheering)

(歡快的音樂) (觀眾的歡呼聲)

- Surprise!

- 驚喜！

Thank you.

謝謝你了

Are you surprised?

你很驚訝嗎？

Are you surprised, Bruce Willis?

你很驚訝嗎，布魯斯-威利斯？

- Yes. - Yes, I knew he would be.

- 是的 是的，我知道他會的

I mean, even though I went over everything yesterday.

我的意思是，即使我昨天把所有的東西都看了一遍。

I knew he'd forget.

我知道他會忘記的。

So, for those of you who don't know me,

所以，對於那些不認識我的人來說，

I'm Demi Moore.

我是黛米-摩爾

(audience cheering)

（觀眾歡呼）

I was married to Bruce Willis

我嫁給了布魯斯-威利斯

for the first three "Die Hard" movies.

為前三部《死侍》電影。

Which makes sense, because the last two sucked.

這就說得通了，因為前兩部很爛。

After all these years, I have to say, you know what?

這麼多年了，我不得不說，你知道嗎？

You look good.

你看起來不錯。

I mean, you still look the same from the eyebrows up.

我是說，你從眉毛上看還是一樣。

But, we had some great times together.

但是，我們一起度過了一些美好的時光。

I mean, we shared a lot.

我的意思是，我們分享了很多。

I had three beautiful, amazing children.

我有三個漂亮的、了不起的孩子。

(audience cheering)

（觀眾歡呼）

Four, if you count Bruce.

如果算上布魯斯的話，有四個。

And then, there's the dogs in Ashton,

然後，還有阿什頓的狗。

so that's like six, but you know.

所以這就像六個，但你知道，

I mean, and of course, you know,

我的意思是，當然，你知道。

like, we did argue over the kids' names.

像，我們沒有爭論過孩子們的名字。

And in the end, Bruce won.

而最終，布魯斯贏了。

That's how they got stuck with Willis.

他們就是這樣被威利斯卡住的。

But I have to say,

但我不得不說。

our daughters are incredibly well-adjusted,

我們的女兒都非常適應。

considering two of them are half Bruce Willis.

考慮到其中有兩個人是半個布魯斯-威利斯。

But let me just say, he is a great father.

但我只想說，他是一個偉大的父親。

I mean, seriously.

我的意思是，認真。

I mean, every Christmas, right after he would have the girls

我的意思是，每年聖誕節，右後 他將有女孩

go make him his special coffee with medicine,

去給他做他的特製咖啡加藥。

I mean, he would come down the chimney

我是說，他會從煙囪裡出來

in the wife-beater t-shirt, waving that gun,

穿著打老婆的T恤，揮舞著那把槍。

saying, "Yippee-ki-yay, mother (beep)!"

說，"Yippee-ki-yay，媽媽（嗶）！"

And then, I mean, that's what he's always called them.

然後，我的意思是，這就是他一直以來的稱呼。

And they just love his tag lines, I mean.

他們只是喜歡他的標語，我的意思是。

But, what might not know, Bruce is super,

但是，可能不知道的是，布魯斯是超級的。

I mean, really generous.

我的意思是，真的很慷慨。

I mean, when out daughter, Rumor, was a baby,

我是說，當我們的女兒Rumor還是個嬰兒的時候。

and it was his turn to change the diaper

現在輪到他換尿布了

in the middle of the night, he'd lean over and whisper.

在半夜裡，他會俯身低語。

And he'd say, "I'll give you $1,000 right now

他會說，"我現在就給你1000塊錢

if you change that diaper."

如果你改變了尿布。"

Of course, I wouldn't do it because, well,

當然，我不會這麼做，因為，好吧。

the lawyer said, "Don't worry, we'll take care of it.

律師說："放心吧，我們會處理好的。

We'll get it in the end."

我們最終會得到它。"

And Scout, Scout asked me not to say anything,

還有Scout，Scout讓我什麼都不要說。

but just last week,

但就在上週。

he offered her $1,000 to change his diaper.

他給了她1000塊錢讓她給他換尿布。

I mean, you know, some things never change.

我的意思是，你知道，有些事情永遠不會改變。

They don't.

他們沒有。

I mean, we were married, let's see, almost 12 years.

我的意思是，我們結婚了，讓我們看看，幾乎12年。

And that's like 84 in Bruce Willis years.

而這就像84年的布魯斯-威利斯年。

I mean, it's funny the things we do for a part.

我的意思是，這很有趣的事情，我們做的一個部分。

Like, I know that I have dyed, and cut, and styled my hair,

就像，我知道我已經染了，剪了，還做了造型。

I can't tell you how many, a million ways.

我不能告訴你有多少，一百萬種方法。

But, not Bruce.

但是，不是布魯斯。

I mean, that's his real hair.

我的意思是，這是他的真發。

And ladies, let me tell you, the carpets match the drapes.

女士們，讓我告訴你們，地毯和窗簾是相配的。

(audience cheering)

（觀眾歡呼）

I mean, I'm not saying he's bald down there.

我的意思是，我不是說他的禿頭那裡。

I'm just saying, whichever place you look,

我只是說，無論你看哪個地方。

it looks like a dick.

它看起來像一個傢伙。

You know, after our divorce,

你知道，在我們離婚之後。

he said that he considered the end

他說，他認為結束

of our marriage his biggest failure.

我們的婚姻是他最大的失敗。

But Bruce, don't be so hard on yourself.

但是布魯斯，不要對自己那麼苛刻。

You have had much bigger failures.

你有更大的失敗。

I mean, Planet Hollywood, "Hudson Hawks",

我是說，好萊塢星球，"哈德遜鷹"。

"Striking Distance", come on,

"打擊距離"，來吧。

campaigning for Michael Dukakis?

為邁克爾-杜卡基斯競選？

I mean, turning down Clooney's role in "Ocean's Eleven"

我是說，拒絕克魯尼在《十一羅漢》中的角色。

to focus on playing the harmonica?

專注於吹口琴？

I mean, I could go on, but they said it's a two-hour show.

我的意思是，我可以繼續， 但他們說這是一個兩小時的節目。

So, but you know what,

所以，但你知道嗎？

I look back over all the years that we've had together.

我回想著我們一起度過的這些年。

We've certainly had our ups and downs.

我們當然也有起伏。

But I have to say, those were some of the best times

但我不得不說，那是最美好的時光。

of my life.

我的生活。

I just look at our marriage like the "Sixth Sense".

我只是把我們的婚姻看成是 "第六感"。

You were dead the whole time.

你一直都死了

All kidding aside, truly all kidding aside,

拋開一切玩笑，真正的拋開一切玩笑。

I'm really honored to be here.

我真的很榮幸能來到這裡。

You are someone I truly care about.

你是我真正關心的人。

You will always have a special place in my heart.

你在我心中永遠有一個特殊的位置。

I'm so grateful that you're in my life

我很感激你出現在我的生命中。

and our children's lives.

和我們孩子的生活。

And no matter what, you will always be family.

而無論如何，你們永遠是一家人。

You've been a great friend, a great father,

你是一個偉大的朋友，一個偉大的父親。

and easily one of my top-three husbands.

也很容易成為我的前三任丈夫之一。

(audience cheering)

（觀眾歡呼）

Thank you, good night.

謝謝你，晚安。

- Here he is, Tommy Lee.

- 他在這裡，湯米-李。

(upbeat music) (audience cheering)

(歡快的音樂) (觀眾的歡呼聲)

- Can I get a big "hell yeah" for Pamela?

- 能不能給帕梅拉來一個大大的 "hell yeah"？

(audience cheering)

（觀眾歡呼）

Hi, baby.

嗨，寶貝。

Now, for the real reason I came here tonight,

現在，我今晚來這裡的真正原因。

to honor my beautiful, talented, compassionate,

以紀念我的美麗、才華、同情心。

blond ex-wife.

金髮前妻。

Unfortunately, Heather Locklear couldn't be here tonight.

不幸的是，希瑟-洛克利爾今晚不能來了。

So, let's make fun of Pamela instead, okay?

所以，讓我們取笑帕梅拉，好嗎？

Okay, this is actually a special time

好吧，這其實是一個特殊的時間

for Pam to be here because she just turned 38

因為Pam剛滿38歲，所以她才會在這裡。

and her tits just turned 14.

而她的奶子剛滿14歲。

Pam, I'll always remember the very first time that we met.

帕姆，我永遠記得我們第一次見面的情景。

It was at a club in Los Angeles

那是在洛杉磯的一傢俱樂部

and you spotted me from across the room.

而你卻在對面發現了我。

You walked up to me and you said those magical five words,

你走到我面前，說了那神奇的五個字。

"I will (beep) any drummer."

"我願意（嗶）任何鼓手。"

Pam and I shared one of history's greatest romances.

潘和我分享了歷史上最偉大的浪漫之一。

It's like that book,

就像那本書一樣。

who am I kidding?

開什麼玩笑

I've never read a book.

我從來沒有讀過一本書。

I can barely read my (beep) tattoos.

我幾乎看不懂我的（嗶）紋身。

Okay, well you can't imagine what it's like coming home

好吧，你無法想象回家是什麼樣子的

to Pam every night.

每天晚上都要給帕姆。

I mean, unless you own an inflatable doll that nags

我的意思是，除非你有一個充氣娃娃，嘮嘮叨叨的

and pays for your piercings.

並支付你的穿孔。

I'm kidding, baby.

我開玩笑的，寶貝。

I'm so kidding.

我是在開玩笑

Pam is the sweetest person alive.

潘是最可愛的人活著。

I mean, look how much she loves animals.

我是說，你看她多喜歡動物。

The closest thing I've ever seen her come

最接近的事情，我見過她來。

to animal cruelty was the time she shaved her pussy.

到虐待動物的時候，是她刮陰毛的時候。

She's always doing cool stuff to spice up our love life,

她總是做一些很酷的事情來調劑我們的愛情生活。

like the trapeze she installed in our bedroom.

就像她在我們的臥室裡安裝的空中飛人。

To this day, I cannot go to a circus

到現在，我都不能去看馬戲了

without getting a boner.

而沒有得到一個骨感。

Honestly, I can't go anywhere without getting a boner.

說實話，我去哪裡都會勃起。

Like I said, Pam, we've had our ups and downs,

就像我說的，帕姆，我們有我們的起伏。

mostly in bed, but I'll make you a deal tonight, okay?

主要是在床上，但我會讓你 今晚的交易，好嗎？

I'll forgive you for Kid Rock

我會原諒你的基德-洛克

if you forgive me for the stripper in Detroit,

如果你原諒我在底特律的脫衣舞娘，

the twins in Grand Rapids,

雙胞胎在大急流城。

the blond from the House of Blues,

藍調之家的金髮女郎。

the brunette from the House of Blues,

藍調之家的黑髮女郎。

and the redhead I'm meeting later tonight.

還有我今晚要見的那個紅頭髮的人。

And of course, Bea Arthur.

當然，還有碧亞瑟。

(audience cheering)

（觀眾歡呼）

Okay Pam, before I leave, I just wanted to say,

好吧，帕姆，在我離開之前，我只想說：

you've always been there for me

你一直陪著我

and your spirit and kindness is an inspiration to me.

你的精神和善良是對我的鼓舞。

Like I said 500,000 times and on that damn sex tape,

就像我說的50萬次，還有那個該死的性愛錄像帶。

I (beep) love you, baby.

我（嗶）愛你，寶貝。

(audience cheering)

（觀眾歡呼）

- Ladies and gentlemen, Brigitte Nielson.

- 女士們，先生們，布麗吉特-尼爾森。

Make some noise for her.

為她製造一些噪音。

(upbeat music) (audience cheering)

(歡快的音樂) (觀眾的歡呼聲)

- Hi, everybody.

- 嗨，大家好。

How are you?

你好嗎？

I'm here to set the record straight

我是來澄清事實的

between I, myself, and Flav.

我，我和弗拉維之間，

I mean, like, people ask me all the time,

我的意思是，像，人們問我所有的時間。

did you actually find Flav attractive?

你真的覺得Flav很有魅力嗎？

I wouldn't know, I've only seen the top of his head.

我不知道，我只看到他的頭頂。

But you know, thank you.

但你知道，謝謝你。

When we were dating, you know,

當我們約會的時候，你知道的。

I started calling him Foofie Foofie.

我開始叫他 "傻子傻子"。

He was calling me Vita.

他叫我維塔

And my parents stopped calling me completely.

而我的父母也完全不再給我打電話。

Yeah, not a good scene, not a good scene.

是啊，不是一個好場景，不是一個好場景。

Well actually I should say, Flav has done something

好吧，其實我應該說，弗拉維做了一件事。

for me that Sylvester Stallone never did.

對我來說，西爾維斯特-史泰龍從來沒有做過。

He stole my car, yeah, yeah.

他偷了我的車，是的，是的。

You may have heard that thing that black guys got these,

你可能聽說過，黑人有這些東西。

like, big penises.

像，大陰莖。

Uh-huh, don't believe that hype.

嗯哼，不要相信那些炒作。

All right, okay.

好吧，好吧。

Because I'll tell you something.

因為我要告訴你一些事情。

You better listen up here, okay?

你最好聽好了，好嗎？

Because Flav's penis, all right, is tiny.

因為弗拉維的陰莖，所有的權利，是微小的。

It's black.

是黑色的

It's cute.

它的可愛。

It's like Katt Williams, but even funnier, you know?

就像凱特-威廉姆斯，但更有趣，你知道嗎？

Something like that, yeah.

類似的東西，是的。

Do you know how disturbing it is

你知道這有多令人不安嗎？

to have a man yell yeah boy during sex?

有一個男人喊耶男孩在性愛過程中？

Oh, I kept telling him, Foofie Foofie,

哦，我一直跟他說，菲菲菲。

you're not in jail anymore.

你不是在監獄裡了。

Right, honey?

對吧，親愛的？

Flavor, he's a romantic guy, too.

味道，他也是個浪漫的人。

So, he actually proposed to me,

所以，他真的向我求婚了。

and he gave me a huge rock.

他給了我一塊大石頭。

And then he smoked it.

然後他就抽了。

Yeah, not good, not good.

是啊，不好，不好。

And of course you all know, I broke Foofie's heart

你們當然也知道，我傷了阿福的心。

when I rejected him.

當我拒絕他的時候

But, he just doesn't know what a lucky man he is

可是，他就是不知道自己是個多麼幸運的人。

because this is not only about love, I gave him fame.

因為這不僅僅是愛情，我給了他名氣。

And I got him a show, yeah.

我給他找了一個節目，是的。

But, I'm a nice, big momma.

但是，我是個好大媽。

I got all his little prostitutes a show, too, yeah.

我也讓他的小妓女們表演了一下，是的。

You're welcome, ladies, you're welcome.

不客氣，女士們，不客氣。

Thank you.

謝謝你了

Anyway, so Flav, Foofie Foofie, William Drake, Mr. F,

無論如何，所以弗拉夫，Foofie Foofie，威廉-德雷克，F先生。

you are my soulmate.

你是我的靈魂伴侶。

You remember

你還記得嗎？

when we said that we were always gonna be soulmates?

當我們說，我們總是 會成為靈魂伴侶？

I hope it's gonna be like that forever.

我希望它能永遠這樣。

I don't care what you guys (beep) think, okay?

我不管你們怎麼想，好嗎？

I love you and I love you, too.

我愛你，我也愛你。

Thank you so very much.

非常感謝你。

- Ladies and gentlemen, Tom Arnold.

- 女士們，先生們，湯姆-阿諾德。

(audience cheering)

（觀眾歡呼）

- Oh shit,

- 哦，該死的。

she's right beside me, isn't she?

她就在我身邊，不是嗎？

Oh shit.

哦，該死的。

You know, hi.

你知道，嗨。

We have not been in the same room for over 18 years.

我們已經18年多沒有同房了。

And, you know, yeah. - Yay!

而且，你知道，是的。- Yay!

- I'm not here to tear Roseanne a new one

- 我不是來這裡撕毀羅珊娜的一個新的。

because quite frankly, I've seen the old one

因為老實說，我已經看到了舊的一個。

and it is spectacular.

而且很壯觀。

Could use a little paint, maybe a couple plants

可以用一點油漆，也許是幾株植物

in the corners, a wicker loveseat.

在角落裡，一個柳條沙發。

But trust me, that baby is move-in ready.

但相信我，那孩子已經可以入住了。

Trust me.

相信我吧

Why am I here?

我為什麼會在這裡？

Well, I'm here to honor Roseanne

好吧，我是來向Roseanne致敬的。

and I'm here because I (beep) earned it, man, the hard way.

我在這裡是因為我(嗶)贏得了它，男人，艱難的方式。

Have any of you guys ever wrestled her?

你們有誰和她摔過跤？

Huh?

咦？

I have.

我有。

Has she sent any of you guys over to Paramount

她有沒有派你們去派拉蒙公司？

to beat up Arsenio Hall for making fat jokes?

打阿森尼奧-霍爾的脂肪笑話？

I did, right?

我有，對吧？

How many of you have been arrested at LAX

你們有多少人在洛杉磯機場被逮捕過？

for defending her singing?

為她的歌聲辯護？

This guy right here.

這傢伙就在這裡。

Have you ever had her pull a knife on you

你有沒有讓她拿刀捅過你？

for spitting on her diet cookies?

因為吐在她的減肥餅乾上？

Yes, yes.

是的，是的。

That's right. - Nah, nah.

是的，沒錯。- 不，不。

- Have you ever been sucker punched in the face

- 你有沒有被人打過臉？

by her purse in front of Bob Hope

在鮑勃-霍普面前，她的錢包