Unfortunately, Heather Locklear couldn't be here tonight.

不幸的是，希瑟-洛克利爾今晚不能來了。

- I was married to Bruce Willis

- 我嫁給了布魯斯-威利斯

for the first three "Die Hard" movies.

為前三部《死侍》電影。

Which makes sense, because the last two sucked.

這就說得通了，因為前兩部很爛。

- She may not be the perfect wife.

- 她可能不是一個完美的妻子。

But trust me, she's literally the worst (beep) ex-wife

但相信我，她是最糟糕的（嗶嗶）前妻

on the planet.

在地球上。

- He actually proposed to me.

- 他居然向我求婚。

He gave me a huge rock, and then he smoked it.

他給了我一塊大石頭，然後他把它抽了出來。

(upbeat music) (audience cheering)

(歡快的音樂) (觀眾的歡呼聲)

- Ladies and gentlemen, Demi Moore.

- 女士們，先生們，黛米・摩爾。

(upbeat music) (audience cheering)

(歡快的音樂) (觀眾的歡呼聲)

- Surprise!

- 驚喜！

Thank you.

謝謝你了

Are you surprised?

你很驚訝嗎？

Are you surprised, Bruce Willis?

你很驚訝嗎，布魯斯-威利斯？

- Yes. - Yes, I knew he would be.

- 是的 是的，我知道他會的

I mean, even though I went over everything yesterday.

我的意思是，即使我昨天把所有的東西都看了一遍。

I knew he'd forget.

我知道他會忘記的。

So, for those of you who don't know me,

所以，對於那些不認識我的人來說，

I'm Demi Moore.

我是黛米-摩爾

(audience cheering)

（觀眾歡呼）

I was married to Bruce Willis

我嫁給了布魯斯-威利斯

for the first three "Die Hard" movies.

為前三部《死侍》電影。

Which makes sense, because the last two sucked.

這就說得通了，因為前兩部很爛。

After all these years, I have to say, you know what?

這麼多年了，我不得不說，你知道嗎？

You look good.

你看起來不錯。

I mean, you still look the same from the eyebrows up.

我是說，你從眉毛上看還是一樣。

But, we had some great times together.

但是，我們一起度過了一些美好的時光。

I mean, we shared a lot.

我的意思是，我們分享了很多。

I had three beautiful, amazing children.

我有三個漂亮的、了不起的孩子。

(audience cheering)

（觀眾歡呼）

Four, if you count Bruce.

如果算上布魯斯的話，有四個。

And then, there's the dogs in Ashton,

然後，還有阿什頓的狗。

so that's like six, but you know.

所以這就像六個，但你知道，

I mean, and of course, you know,

我的意思是，當然，你知道。

like, we did argue over the kids' names.

像，我們沒有爭論過孩子們的名字。

And in the end, Bruce won.

而最終，布魯斯贏了。

That's how they got stuck with Willis.

他們就是這樣被威利斯卡住的。

But I have to say,

但我不得不說。

our daughters are incredibly well-adjusted,

我們的女兒都非常適應。

considering two of them are half Bruce Willis.

考慮到其中有兩個人是半個布魯斯-威利斯。

But let me just say, he is a great father.

但我只想說，他是一個偉大的父親。

I mean, seriously.

我的意思是，認真。

I mean, every Christmas, right after he would have the girls

我的意思是，每年聖誕節，右後 他將有女孩

go make him his special coffee with medicine,

去給他做他的特製咖啡加藥。

I mean, he would come down the chimney

我是說，他會從煙囪裡出來

in the wife-beater t-shirt, waving that gun,

穿著打老婆的T恤，揮舞著那把槍。

saying, "Yippee-ki-yay, mother (beep)!"

說，"Yippee-ki-yay，媽媽（嗶）！"

And then, I mean, that's what he's always called them.

然後，我的意思是，這就是他一直以來的稱呼。

And they just love his tag lines, I mean.

他們只是喜歡他的標語，我的意思是。

But, what might not know, Bruce is super,

但是，可能不知道的是，布魯斯是超級的。

I mean, really generous.

我的意思是，真的很慷慨。

I mean, when out daughter, Rumor, was a baby,

我是說，當我們的女兒Rumor還是個嬰兒的時候。

and it was his turn to change the diaper

現在輪到他換尿布了

in the middle of the night, he'd lean over and whisper.

在半夜裡，他會俯身低語。

And he'd say, "I'll give you $1,000 right now

他會說，"我現在就給你1000塊錢

if you change that diaper."

如果你改變了尿布。"

Of course, I wouldn't do it because, well,

當然，我不會這麼做，因為，好吧。

the lawyer said, "Don't worry, we'll take care of it.

律師說："放心吧，我們會處理好的。

We'll get it in the end."

我們最終會得到它。"

And Scout, Scout asked me not to say anything,

還有Scout，Scout讓我什麼都不要說。

but just last week,

但就在上週。

he offered her $1,000 to change his diaper.

他給了她1000塊錢讓她給他換尿布。

I mean, you know, some things never change.

我的意思是，你知道，有些事情永遠不會改變。

They don't.

他們沒有。

I mean, we were married, let's see, almost 12 years.

我的意思是，我們結婚了，讓我們看看，幾乎12年。

And that's like 84 in Bruce Willis years.

而這就像84年的布魯斯-威利斯年。

I mean, it's funny the things we do for a part.

我的意思是，這很有趣的事情，我們做的一個部分。

Like, I know that I have dyed, and cut, and styled my hair,

就像，我知道我已經染了，剪了，還做了造型。

I can't tell you how many, a million ways.

我不能告訴你有多少，一百萬種方法。

But, not Bruce.

但是，不是布魯斯。

I mean, that's his real hair.

我的意思是，這是他的真發。

And ladies, let me tell you, the carpets match the drapes.

女士們，讓我告訴你們，地毯和窗簾是相配的。

(audience cheering)

（觀眾歡呼）

I mean, I'm not saying he's bald down there.

我的意思是，我不是說他的禿頭那裡。

I'm just saying, whichever place you look,

我只是說，無論你看哪個地方。

it looks like a dick.

它看起來像一個傢伙。

You know, after our divorce,

你知道，在我們離婚之後。

he said that he considered the end

他說，他認為結束

of our marriage his biggest failure.

我們的婚姻是他最大的失敗。

But Bruce, don't be so hard on yourself.

但是布魯斯，不要對自己那麼苛刻。

You have had much bigger failures.

你有更大的失敗。

I mean, Planet Hollywood, "Hudson Hawks",

我是說，好萊塢星球，"哈德遜鷹"。

"Striking Distance", come on,

"打擊距離"，來吧。

campaigning for Michael Dukakis?

為邁克爾-杜卡基斯競選？

I mean, turning down Clooney's role in "Ocean's Eleven"

我是說，拒絕克魯尼在《十一羅漢》中的角色。

to focus on playing the harmonica?

專注於吹口琴？

I mean, I could go on, but they said it's a two-hour show.

我的意思是，我可以繼續， 但他們說這是一個兩小時的節目。

So, but you know what,

所以，但你知道嗎？

I look back over all the years that we've had together.

我回想著我們一起度過的這些年。

We've certainly had our ups and downs.

我們當然也有起伏。

But I have to say, those were some of the best times

但我不得不說，那是最美好的時光。

of my life.

我的生活。

I just look at our marriage like the "Sixth Sense".

我只是把我們的婚姻看成是 "第六感"。

You were dead the whole time.

你一直都死了

All kidding aside, truly all kidding aside,

拋開一切玩笑，真正的拋開一切玩笑。

I'm really honored to be here.

我真的很榮幸能來到這裡。

You are someone I truly care about.

你是我真正關心的人。

You will always have a special place in my heart.

你在我心中永遠有一個特殊的位置。

I'm so grateful that you're in my life

我很感激你出現在我的生命中。

and our children's lives.

和我們孩子的生活。

And no matter what, you will always be family.

而無論如何，你們永遠是一家人。

You've been a great friend, a great father,

你是一個偉大的朋友，一個偉大的父親。

and easily one of my top-three husbands.

也很容易成為我的前三任丈夫之一。

(audience cheering)

（觀眾歡呼）

Thank you, good night.

謝謝你，晚安。

- Here he is, Tommy Lee.

- 他在這裡，湯米-李。

(upbeat music) (audience cheering)

(歡快的音樂) (觀眾的歡呼聲)

- Can I get a big "hell yeah" for Pamela?

- 能不能給帕梅拉來一個大大的 "hell yeah"？

(audience cheering)

（觀眾歡呼）

Hi, baby.

嗨，寶貝。

Now, for the real reason I came here tonight,

現在，我今晚來這裡的真正原因。

to honor my beautiful, talented, compassionate,

以紀念我的美麗、才華、同情心。

blond ex-wife.

金髮前妻。

Unfortunately, Heather Locklear couldn't be here tonight.

不幸的是，希瑟-洛克利爾今晚不能來了。

So, let's make fun of Pamela instead, okay?

所以，讓我們取笑帕梅拉，好嗎？

Okay, this is actually a special time

好吧，這其實是一個特殊的時間

for Pam to be here because she just turned 38

因為Pam剛滿38歲，所以她才會在這裡。

and her tits just turned 14.

而她的奶子剛滿14歲。

Pam, I'll always remember the very first time that we met.

帕姆，我永遠記得我們第一次見面的情景。

It was at a club in Los Angeles

那是在洛杉磯的一傢俱樂部

and you spotted me from across the room.

而你卻在對面發現了我。

You walked up to me and you said those magical five words,

你走到我面前，說了那神奇的五個字。

"I will (beep) any drummer."

"我願意（嗶）任何鼓手。"

Pam and I shared one of history's greatest romances.

潘和我分享了歷史上最偉大的浪漫之一。

It's like that book,

就像那本書一樣。

who am I kidding?

開什麼玩笑

I've never read a book.

我從來沒有讀過一本書。

I can barely read my (beep) tattoos.

我幾乎看不懂我的（嗶）紋身。

Okay, well you can't imagine what it's like coming home

好吧，你無法想象回家是什麼樣子的

to Pam every night.

每天晚上都要給帕姆。

I mean, unless you own an inflatable doll that nags

我的意思是，除非你有一個充氣娃娃，嘮嘮叨叨的

and pays for your piercings.

並支付你的穿孔。

I'm kidding, baby.

我開玩笑的，寶貝。

I'm so kidding.

我是在開玩笑

Pam is the sweetest person alive.

潘是最可愛的人活著。

I mean, look how much she loves animals.

我是說，你看她多喜歡動物。

The closest thing I've ever seen her come

最接近的事情，我見過她來。

to animal cruelty was the time she shaved her pussy.

到虐待動物的時候，是她刮陰毛的時候。

She's always doing cool stuff to spice up our love life,

她總是做一些很酷的事情來調劑我們的愛情生活。

like the trapeze she installed in our bedroom.

就像她在我們的臥室裡安裝的空中飛人。

To this day, I cannot go to a circus

到現在，我都不能去看馬戲了

without getting a boner.

而沒有得到一個骨感。

Honestly, I can't go anywhere without getting a boner.

說實話，我去哪裡都會勃起。

Like I said, Pam, we've had our ups and downs,

就像我說的，帕姆，我們有我們的起伏。

mostly in bed, but I'll make you a deal tonight, okay?

主要是在床上，但我會讓你 今晚的交易，好嗎？

I'll forgive you for Kid Rock

我會原諒你的基德-洛克

if you forgive me for the stripper in Detroit,

如果你原諒我在底特律的脫衣舞娘，

the twins in Grand Rapids,

雙胞胎在大急流城。

the blond from the House of Blues,

藍調之家的金髮女郎。

the brunette from the House of Blues,

藍調之家的黑髮女郎。

and the redhead I'm meeting later tonight.

還有我今晚要見的那個紅頭髮的人。

And of course, Bea Arthur.

當然，還有碧亞瑟。

(audience cheering)

（觀眾歡呼）

Okay Pam, before I leave, I just wanted to say,

好吧，帕姆，在我離開之前，我只想說：

you've always been there for me

你一直陪著我

and your spirit and kindness is an inspiration to me.

你的精神和善良是對我的鼓舞。

Like I said 500,000 times and on that damn sex tape,

就像我說的50萬次，還有那個該死的性愛錄像帶。

I (beep) love you, baby.

我（嗶）愛你，寶貝。

(audience cheering)

（觀眾歡呼）

- Ladies and gentlemen, Brigitte Nielson.

- 女士們，先生們，布麗吉特-尼爾森。

Make some noise for her.

為她製造一些噪音。

(upbeat music) (audience cheering)

(歡快的音樂) (觀眾的歡呼聲)

- Hi, everybody.

- 嗨，大家好。

How are you?

你好嗎？

I'm here to set the record straight

我是來澄清事實的