Placeholder Image

字幕列表 影片播放

由 AI 自動生成
  • - My beautiful, talented, compassionate, blond ex-wife.

    - 我美麗、有才華、有同情心的金髮前妻。

  • Unfortunately, Heather Locklear couldn't be here tonight.

    不幸的是,希瑟-洛克利爾今晚不能來了。

  • - I was married to Bruce Willis

    - 我嫁給了布魯斯-威利斯

  • for the first three "Die Hard" movies.

    為前三部《死侍》電影。

  • Which makes sense, because the last two sucked.

    這就說得通了,因為前兩部很爛。

  • - She may not be the perfect wife.

    - 她可能不是一個完美的妻子。

  • But trust me, she's literally the worst (beep) ex-wife

    但相信我,她是最糟糕的(嗶嗶)前妻

  • on the planet.

    在地球上。

  • - He actually proposed to me.

    - 他居然向我求婚。

  • He gave me a huge rock, and then he smoked it.

    他給了我一塊大石頭,然後他把它抽了出來。

  • (upbeat music) (audience cheering)

    (歡快的音樂) (觀眾的歡呼聲)

  • - Ladies and gentlemen, Demi Moore.

    - 女士們,先生們,黛米・摩爾。

  • (upbeat music) (audience cheering)

    (歡快的音樂) (觀眾的歡呼聲)

  • - Surprise!

    - 驚喜!

  • Thank you.

    謝謝你了

  • Are you surprised?

    你很驚訝嗎?

  • Are you surprised, Bruce Willis?

    你很驚訝嗎,布魯斯-威利斯?

  • - Yes. - Yes, I knew he would be.

    - 是的 是的,我知道他會的

  • I mean, even though I went over everything yesterday.

    我的意思是,即使我昨天把所有的東西都看了一遍。

  • I knew he'd forget.

    我知道他會忘記的。

  • So, for those of you who don't know me,

    所以,對於那些不認識我的人來說,

  • I'm Demi Moore.

    我是黛米-摩爾

  • (audience cheering)

    (觀眾歡呼)

  • I was married to Bruce Willis

    我嫁給了布魯斯-威利斯

  • for the first three "Die Hard" movies.

    為前三部《死侍》電影。

  • Which makes sense, because the last two sucked.

    這就說得通了,因為前兩部很爛。

  • After all these years, I have to say, you know what?

    這麼多年了,我不得不說,你知道嗎?

  • You look good.

    你看起來不錯。

  • I mean, you still look the same from the eyebrows up.

    我是說,你從眉毛上看還是一樣。

  • But, we had some great times together.

    但是,我們一起度過了一些美好的時光。

  • I mean, we shared a lot.

    我的意思是,我們分享了很多。

  • I had three beautiful, amazing children.

    我有三個漂亮的、了不起的孩子。

  • (audience cheering)

    (觀眾歡呼)

  • Four, if you count Bruce.

    如果算上布魯斯的話,有四個。

  • And then, there's the dogs in Ashton,

    然後,還有阿什頓的狗。

  • so that's like six, but you know.

    所以這就像六個,但你知道,

  • I mean, and of course, you know,

    我的意思是,當然,你知道。

  • like, we did argue over the kids' names.

    像,我們沒有爭論過孩子們的名字。

  • And in the end, Bruce won.

    而最終,布魯斯贏了。

  • That's how they got stuck with Willis.

    他們就是這樣被威利斯卡住的。

  • But I have to say,

    但我不得不說。

  • our daughters are incredibly well-adjusted,

    我們的女兒都非常適應。

  • considering two of them are half Bruce Willis.

    考慮到其中有兩個人是半個布魯斯-威利斯。

  • But let me just say, he is a great father.

    但我只想說,他是一個偉大的父親。

  • I mean, seriously.

    我的意思是,認真。

  • I mean, every Christmas, right after he would have the girls

    我的意思是,每年聖誕節,右後 他將有女孩

  • go make him his special coffee with medicine,

    去給他做他的特製咖啡加藥。

  • I mean, he would come down the chimney

    我是說,他會從煙囪裡出來

  • in the wife-beater t-shirt, waving that gun,

    穿著打老婆的T恤,揮舞著那把槍。

  • saying, "Yippee-ki-yay, mother (beep)!"

    說,"Yippee-ki-yay,媽媽(嗶)!"

  • And then, I mean, that's what he's always called them.

    然後,我的意思是,這就是他一直以來的稱呼。

  • And they just love his tag lines, I mean.

    他們只是喜歡他的標語,我的意思是。

  • But, what might not know, Bruce is super,

    但是,可能不知道的是,布魯斯是超級的。

  • I mean, really generous.

    我的意思是,真的很慷慨。

  • I mean, when out daughter, Rumor, was a baby,

    我是說,當我們的女兒Rumor還是個嬰兒的時候。

  • and it was his turn to change the diaper

    現在輪到他換尿布了

  • in the middle of the night, he'd lean over and whisper.

    在半夜裡,他會俯身低語。

  • And he'd say, "I'll give you $1,000 right now

    他會說,"我現在就給你1000塊錢

  • if you change that diaper."

    如果你改變了尿布。"

  • Of course, I wouldn't do it because, well,

    當然,我不會這麼做,因為,好吧。

  • the lawyer said, "Don't worry, we'll take care of it.

    律師說:"放心吧,我們會處理好的。

  • We'll get it in the end."

    我們最終會得到它。"

  • And Scout, Scout asked me not to say anything,

    還有Scout,Scout讓我什麼都不要說。

  • but just last week,

    但就在上週。

  • he offered her $1,000 to change his diaper.

    他給了她1000塊錢讓她給他換尿布。

  • I mean, you know, some things never change.

    我的意思是,你知道,有些事情永遠不會改變。

  • They don't.

    他們沒有。

  • I mean, we were married, let's see, almost 12 years.

    我的意思是,我們結婚了,讓我們看看,幾乎12年。

  • And that's like 84 in Bruce Willis years.

    而這就像84年的布魯斯-威利斯年。

  • I mean, it's funny the things we do for a part.

    我的意思是,這很有趣的事情,我們做的一個部分。

  • Like, I know that I have dyed, and cut, and styled my hair,

    就像,我知道我已經染了,剪了,還做了造型。

  • I can't tell you how many, a million ways.

    我不能告訴你有多少,一百萬種方法。

  • But, not Bruce.

    但是,不是布魯斯。

  • I mean, that's his real hair.

    我的意思是,這是他的真發。

  • And ladies, let me tell you, the carpets match the drapes.

    女士們,讓我告訴你們,地毯和窗簾是相配的。

  • (audience cheering)

    (觀眾歡呼)

  • I mean, I'm not saying he's bald down there.

    我的意思是,我不是說他的禿頭那裡。

  • I'm just saying, whichever place you look,

    我只是說,無論你看哪個地方。

  • it looks like a dick.

    它看起來像一個傢伙。

  • You know, after our divorce,

    你知道,在我們離婚之後。

  • he said that he considered the end

    他說,他認為結束

  • of our marriage his biggest failure.

    我們的婚姻是他最大的失敗。

  • But Bruce, don't be so hard on yourself.

    但是布魯斯,不要對自己那麼苛刻。

  • You have had much bigger failures.

    你有更大的失敗。

  • I mean, Planet Hollywood, "Hudson Hawks",

    我是說,好萊塢星球,"哈德遜鷹"。

  • "Striking Distance", come on,

    "打擊距離",來吧。

  • campaigning for Michael Dukakis?

    為邁克爾-杜卡基斯競選?

  • I mean, turning down Clooney's role in "Ocean's Eleven"

    我是說,拒絕克魯尼在《十一羅漢》中的角色。

  • to focus on playing the harmonica?

    專注於吹口琴?

  • I mean, I could go on, but they said it's a two-hour show.

    我的意思是,我可以繼續, 但他們說這是一個兩小時的節目。

  • So, but you know what,

    所以,但你知道嗎?

  • I look back over all the years that we've had together.

    我回想著我們一起度過的這些年。

  • We've certainly had our ups and downs.

    我們當然也有起伏。

  • But I have to say, those were some of the best times

    但我不得不說,那是最美好的時光。

  • of my life.

    我的生活。

  • I just look at our marriage like the "Sixth Sense".

    我只是把我們的婚姻看成是 "第六感"。

  • You were dead the whole time.

    你一直都死了

  • All kidding aside, truly all kidding aside,

    拋開一切玩笑,真正的拋開一切玩笑。

  • I'm really honored to be here.

    我真的很榮幸能來到這裡。

  • You are someone I truly care about.

    你是我真正關心的人。

  • You will always have a special place in my heart.

    你在我心中永遠有一個特殊的位置。

  • I'm so grateful that you're in my life

    我很感激你出現在我的生命中。

  • and our children's lives.

    和我們孩子的生活。

  • And no matter what, you will always be family.

    而無論如何,你們永遠是一家人。

  • You've been a great friend, a great father,

    你是一個偉大的朋友,一個偉大的父親。

  • and easily one of my top-three husbands.

    也很容易成為我的前三任丈夫之一。

  • (audience cheering)

    (觀眾歡呼)

  • Thank you, good night.

    謝謝你,晚安。

  • - Here he is, Tommy Lee.

    - 他在這裡,湯米-李。

  • (upbeat music) (audience cheering)

    (歡快的音樂) (觀眾的歡呼聲)

  • - Can I get a big "hell yeah" for Pamela?

    - 能不能給帕梅拉來一個大大的 "hell yeah"?

  • (audience cheering)

    (觀眾歡呼)

  • Hi, baby.

    嗨,寶貝。

  • Now, for the real reason I came here tonight,

    現在,我今晚來這裡的真正原因。

  • to honor my beautiful, talented, compassionate,

    以紀念我的美麗、才華、同情心。

  • blond ex-wife.

    金髮前妻。

  • Unfortunately, Heather Locklear couldn't be here tonight.

    不幸的是,希瑟-洛克利爾今晚不能來了。

  • So, let's make fun of Pamela instead, okay?

    所以,讓我們取笑帕梅拉,好嗎?

  • Okay, this is actually a special time

    好吧,這其實是一個特殊的時間

  • for Pam to be here because she just turned 38

    因為Pam剛滿38歲,所以她才會在這裡。

  • and her tits just turned 14.

    而她的奶子剛滿14歲。

  • Pam, I'll always remember the very first time that we met.

    帕姆,我永遠記得我們第一次見面的情景。

  • It was at a club in Los Angeles

    那是在洛杉磯的一傢俱樂部

  • and you spotted me from across the room.

    而你卻在對面發現了我。

  • You walked up to me and you said those magical five words,

    你走到我面前,說了那神奇的五個字。

  • "I will (beep) any drummer."

    "我願意(嗶)任何鼓手。"

  • Pam and I shared one of history's greatest romances.

    潘和我分享了歷史上最偉大的浪漫之一。

  • It's like that book,

    就像那本書一樣。

  • who am I kidding?

    開什麼玩笑

  • I've never read a book.

    我從來沒有讀過一本書。

  • I can barely read my (beep) tattoos.

    我幾乎看不懂我的(嗶)紋身。

  • Okay, well you can't imagine what it's like coming home

    好吧,你無法想象回家是什麼樣子的

  • to Pam every night.

    每天晚上都要給帕姆。

  • I mean, unless you own an inflatable doll that nags

    我的意思是,除非你有一個充氣娃娃,嘮嘮叨叨的

  • and pays for your piercings.

    並支付你的穿孔。

  • I'm kidding, baby.

    我開玩笑的,寶貝。

  • I'm so kidding.

    我是在開玩笑

  • Pam is the sweetest person alive.

    潘是最可愛的人活著。

  • I mean, look how much she loves animals.

    我是說,你看她多喜歡動物。

  • The closest thing I've ever seen her come

    最接近的事情,我見過她來。

  • to animal cruelty was the time she shaved her pussy.

    到虐待動物的時候,是她刮陰毛的時候。

  • She's always doing cool stuff to spice up our love life,

    她總是做一些很酷的事情來調劑我們的愛情生活。

  • like the trapeze she installed in our bedroom.

    就像她在我們的臥室裡安裝的空中飛人。

  • To this day, I cannot go to a circus

    到現在,我都不能去看馬戲了

  • without getting a boner.

    而沒有得到一個骨感。

  • Honestly, I can't go anywhere without getting a boner.

    說實話,我去哪裡都會勃起。

  • Like I said, Pam, we've had our ups and downs,

    就像我說的,帕姆,我們有我們的起伏。

  • mostly in bed, but I'll make you a deal tonight, okay?

    主要是在床上,但我會讓你 今晚的交易,好嗎?

  • I'll forgive you for Kid Rock

    我會原諒你的基德-洛克

  • if you forgive me for the stripper in Detroit,

    如果你原諒我在底特律的脫衣舞娘,

  • the twins in Grand Rapids,

    雙胞胎在大急流城。

  • the blond from the House of Blues,

    藍調之家的金髮女郎。

  • the brunette from the House of Blues,

    藍調之家的黑髮女郎。

  • and the redhead I'm meeting later tonight.

    還有我今晚要見的那個紅頭髮的人。

  • And of course, Bea Arthur.

    當然,還有碧亞瑟。

  • (audience cheering)

    (觀眾歡呼)

  • Okay Pam, before I leave, I just wanted to say,

    好吧,帕姆,在我離開之前,我只想說:

  • you've always been there for me

    你一直陪著我

  • and your spirit and kindness is an inspiration to me.

    你的精神和善良是對我的鼓舞。

  • Like I said 500,000 times and on that damn sex tape,

    就像我說的50萬次,還有那個該死的性愛錄像帶。

  • I (beep) love you, baby.

    我(嗶)愛你,寶貝。

  • (audience cheering)

    (觀眾歡呼)

  • - Ladies and gentlemen, Brigitte Nielson.

    - 女士們,先生們,布麗吉特-尼爾森。

  • Make some noise for her.

    為她製造一些噪音。

  • (upbeat music) (audience cheering)

    (歡快的音樂) (觀眾的歡呼聲)

  • - Hi, everybody.

    - 嗨,大家好。

  • How are you?

    你好嗎?

  • I'm here to set the record straight

    我是來澄清事實的