WELCOME BACK TO "A LATE SHOW."

歡迎回到 "深夜秀"。

LET'S SAY HELLO TO JON BATISTE.

讓我們向JON BATISTE問好。

JON, WHO HAVE YOU GOT FOR THE SUPER BOWL?

喬恩，你有誰參加了超級碗？

>> Jon: WELL, YOU KNOW, I GOT BASKETBALL FOR THE SUPER BOWL.

>> 喬恩。好了，你知道，我得到了超級碗的籃球。

>> Stephen: THAT WOULD BE A BIG SURPRISE.

>> 史蒂芬：這將是一個巨大的驚喜。

>> Jon: YOU SEE -- BECAUSE IF THEY THROW THE BASKETBALL, IT

>> 喬恩：因為如果他們把球投出去，它就會被打掉

WOULD BOUNCE FURTHER AFTER IT LANDS, YOU KNOW.

它會反彈更多後，它的土地，你知道的。

>> Stephen: RIGHT.

>> Stephen:右邊。

I'LL TAKE YOUR WORD FOR THAT.

我相信你的話。

I'M NOT A HUGE FOLLOWER OF EITHER SPORT.

我不是這兩種運動的忠實擁護者。

SO -- ( LAUGHTER )

所以 - （笑）

SO -- I'M ALL FOR IT.

所以... ... 我支持它。

LET'S MIX IT UP A LITTLE BIT.

讓我們把它混合起來一點點。

I SAY WE GIVE BASEBALL PLAYERS HOCKEY STICKS.

我說，我們給棒球運動員曲棍球棒。

>> Jon: OH, WOW!

>> 喬恩。Oh, WOW!

WOW!

哇！

>> Stephen: YEAH.

>> 史蒂芬：YEAH。

>> Jon: I COULD SEE THAT.

>> 喬恩。我看出來了。

>> Stephen: LET 'EM TAKE THE STICKS WITH THEM AROUND THE

>> 讓他們帶著棍子到處走。

BASES AND JUST CHOP AT EACH OTHER.

基地，只是砍在對方。

THOSE WOULD BE WHAT KIND OF RATINGS?

這些都是什麼樣的評價？

THEY WOULD BE SUPER BOWL RATINGS.

他們會是超級碗的評級。

JON BATISTE, GIVE ME A LITTLE FOOTBALL MUSIC, MAN!

JON BATISTE，給我一點足球音樂，夥計！

♪♪♪ JON BATISTE.

JON BATISTE。

THANKS.

謝謝。

>> Jon: YEAH!

>> 喬恩。YEAH！

>> Stephen: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

>> 女士們，先生們。

I SPEND A LOT OF TIME WRITING THE MOST COMPLEX TOPICAL CODE,

我花了很多時間寫最複雜的主題代碼。

CREATING AN INTRICATE DETAILED STORY REALITY,

創造一個複雜的詳細的故事現實。

SUSPENDING AN ENTIRE POPULATION OF HUMANS IN NUTRIENT BATHS, AND

暫停整個人類在營養浴場的活動，以及

HARVESTING THEIR ENERGY TO POWER THE IMMERSIVE, FULL-SENSORY

收穫他們的能量，為即時、全感系統提供能量。

COMEDY MATRIX THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.

喜劇矩陣，這是我的獨白。

BUT SOMETIMES, SOMETIMES, FOLKS, I LIKE TO SCAVENGE AN OLD

但有時，有時，夥計們，我喜歡搜刮一箇舊的。

COMMODORE 64 FROM BEHIND THE LIBRARY, STEAL THE CAR BATTERY

從圖書館後面的COMMODORE 64，偷汽車電池。

OUT OF THE ABANDONED IMPALA ON SOMEONE'S FRONT LAWN, THEN USE

出了廢棄的英帕拉在別人的前院草坪上，然後使用。

SOME RUSTY JUMPERS CABLES TO HOOK IT ALL UP TO SOME 3D

一些生鏽的JUMPERS電纜，把它全部連接到一些3D

GLASSES I SNATCHED OUT OF THE MOVIE THEATER TRASH CAN, THEN

我從電影院垃圾桶裡偷出來的眼鏡，然後...

SLAP THEM ON YOUR FACE TO PLUNGE YOU INTO THE JANKY D.I.Y. A.R.

把它們貼在你的臉上，讓你進入JANKY D.I.Y. A.R.。

NEURAL NIGHTMARE SIMULATION OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT:

神經性的噩夢模擬的新聞，這是我的部門。

"QUARANTINE-WHILE!" QUARANTINE-WHILE, SCIENTISTS IN

"QUARANTINE-WHILE！"QUARANTINE -WHILE, SCIENTISTS IN.

KOREA HAVE ENGINEERED BRAIN IMPLANTS THE SIZE OF A SALT

韓國已經設計出鹽粒大小的大腦植入物。

GRAIN WHICH COULD LET PEOPLE CHOOSE THEIR MOOD.

可以讓人們選擇情緒的穀物。

THAT'S GOOD, BECAUSE THE FIRST MOOD YOU'RE GOING TO WANT TO

這很好，因為你要的第一種心情是...

CHOOSE IS "I DO NOT MIND HAVING THIS SALT GRAIN IN MY SKULL."

選擇是 "我不介意在我的皮膚上有這種鹽粒。"

THE SCIENTISTS TESTED THE IMPLANT OUT ON RATS BY INJECTING

科學家們在老鼠身上測試了植入物，將其注射到老鼠身上。

THEM WITH COCAINE AND THEN SENDING SIGNALS TO THE BRAIN TO

他們用可卡因，然後發送信號到大腦，以達到

SUPPRESS THE EFFECTS.

壓制效果。

SO... IT WAS AN EXPERIMENT TO SEE IF THEY COULD WASTE COCAINE.

所以... ...這是一個實驗，看看他們是否能浪費可卡因。

ANOTHER FEATURE OF THE IMPLANT IS THAT IT CONNECTS TO A

植入物的另一個特點是，它可以連接到任何一個地方。

SMARTPHONE APP.

智能手機APP。

OH, GOOD.

哦，好。

I WAS WORRIED THEY WOULDN'T FIND A WAY TO BEAM THOSE SPAM CALLS

我還擔心他們找不到方法來處理這些垃圾電話呢

ABOUT MY VEHICLE'S WARRANTY DIRECTLY INTO MY HEAD.

關於我的車輛的保修直接進入我的腦海。

QUARANTINE-WHILE, AFTER ENGLISH GOAT FARMER DOT MCCARTHY HAD TO

STOP HAVING PAYING VISITORS AT HER FARM DUE TO THE PANDEMIC,

停止有付費訪客 在她的農場由於PANDEMIC。

SHE FOUND ANOTHER WAY TO MAKE MONEY.

她找到了另一個賺錢的方法。

SO, "SHE MADE 50,000 POUNDS AFTER DIVERSIFYING INTO GOAT

所以，"她在分化成山羊後，賺了5萬英鎊。

ZOOM CALLS."

ZOOM CALLS。"

I DO ENJOY THE USE OF THE FANCY BUSINESS TERM "DIVERSIFYING"

我很喜歡使用 "DIVERSIFYING "這個花哨的商業術語。

HERE.

這裡。

"YEAH, WE'RE REALIGNING OUR BENCHMARK CORE COMPETENCIES IN

"是的，我們重新調整了我們的基準核心競爭力，在以下方面

AGRICULTURE COMMODIFICATION TO BETTER SYNERGIZE OUR HOLDINGS

農業商品化以更好地協調我們的控股公司

AND LEVERAGE OUR BANDWIDTH FOR SCALABILITY."

並利用我們的帶寬實現可擴展性。"

"SO... YOU'RE PUTTING YOUR GOATS ON ZOOM?"

"所以... ... 你要把你的山羊放在ZOOM上？"

"YES, WE ARE PUTTING OUR GOATS ON ZOOM."

"是的，我們正在把我們的山羊在ZOOM。"

HERE'S HOW IT WORKS-- SPOILER, IT IS EXACTLY HOW YOU THINK IT

WORKS, WHICH IS WONDERFUL: "IT'S FIVE POUNDS TO HIRE A

作品，這是很奇妙的："僱一個人是五英鎊。

GOAT, WHO THEN JOINS A SCHEDULED MEETING, TO BRIGHTEN VIDEO CALLS

高達，然後參加預定的會議，亮出視頻通話。

BY BRIEFLY HAVING THEM BUTT IN AS A SURPRISE."

通過簡單的讓他們插隊，作為一個驚喜。"

WOULD BE ADORABLE, DEPENDING ON HOW THEY BUTTED.

將是可愛的，取決於如何他們的屁股。

>> REBECCA, DO YOU HAVE THE Q3 NUMBERS?

>> 瑞貝卡，你有第三季度的數字嗎？

ALSO, SHOULD YOU BE TAUNTING THAT GOAT?

還有，你要不要把那隻山羊拖走？

>> IT'S TRYING TO HEAD-BUTT ME, BRO.

>> 它試圖用頭撞我，兄弟。

( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: ViacomCBS AND

（笑） >> 斯蒂芬：ViacomCBS和。

ITS AFFILIATE COMPANIES WANT ME TO ASSURE OUR VIEWERS

其關聯公司希望我向我們的觀眾保證

THAT NO GOATS WERE HURT WHEN THAT WOMAN

當那個女人的時候，沒有山羊受到傷害。

QUARANTINE-WHILE, YOU MAY BE ASKING, HOW DO WOMBATS POOP

QUARANTINE--你可能會問，蝙蝠怎麼拉屎？

CUBES?

CUBES？

WELL, SCIENTISTS HAVE GOTTEN TO THE BOTTOM OF THE MYSTERY.

科學家們已經找到了謎團的底部。

SO, IF THAT'S BEEN KEEPING YOU UP AT NIGHT, REST ASSURED,

所以，如果這讓你夜不能寐，放心吧。

YOU'VE STILL GOT A REAL PROBLEM.

你仍然有一個真正的問題。

APPARENTLY, WOMBATS' INTESTINES CONTRACT IRREGULARLY, CREATING

顯然，母熊的腸子不定期地收縮，創造了一個新的機會。

UNEVEN PRESSURE THAT SHAPES THE SIDES OF THEIR POOP, WHICH

無比的壓力，塑造了他們的大便的側面，這一點。

SCIENTISTS DISCOVERED BY CREATING THIS THREE-DIMENSIONAL

科學家們通過創造這個三維空間發現的。

MODEL, WHICH I CERTAINLY HOPE THEY CALL A "POOPIX CUBE."

模型，我很希望他們稱之為 "POOPIX CUBE"

NOW, IF YOU'RE SAYING TO YOURSELF, "HEY, SCIENTISTS

現在，如果你在對自己說："嘿，科學家們

COOL ABOUT THE WOMBAT POOP.

蟲子大便的事很有趣。

HOW'S THAT CURE FOR CANCER COMING?"

癌症的治療方法怎麼樣了？"

YOU MIGHT BE PLEASED TO KNOW THAT THIS IS RELATED.

你可能會很高興知道，這是相關的。

ONE RESEARCHER SAID THAT AN EDGE OR UNUSUAL SHAPE IN THE FECES

一位研究者說，糞便中的邊緣或不尋常的形狀。

COULD BE AN EARLY INDICATOR ABOUT THE HEALTH OF THE COLON.

可能是結腸健康的早期指標。

OR, POSSIBLY, EVIDENCE THAT YOU ACCIDENTALLY SWALLOWED YOUR

或者，有可能，有證據表明，你不小心吞了你的

DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS DICE.

DUNGEONS和DRAGONS DICE。

KIDS, THEY LOOK LIKE LITTLE CANDIES, BUT THEY'RE NOT.

孩子們，他們看起來像小糖果，但他們不是。

QUARANTINE-WHILE, LEGISLATORS IN THE NUTMEG STATE HAVE INTRODUCED

A BILL TO MAKE PIZZA THE OFFICIAL STATE FOOD OF

將比薩餅定為國家官方食品的法案

CONNECTICUT.

康涅狄格州：

IT WOULD REPLACE THE CURRENT STATE FOOD, WHICH IS ANYTHING ON

它將取代目前的國家食品，這是任何東西上。

THE COUNTRY CLUB MENU THAT YOU CAN EAT THROUGH CLENCHED TEETH.

鄉村俱樂部的菜單，你可以通過咬牙吃。

JUST PUT IT IN A BLENDER, JAMISON.

把它放進攪拌機裡，JAMISON。

COME OFF IT, CONNECTICUT.

別這樣, CONNECTICUT.

THIS IS DESPERATE.

這是絕望的。

YOU HAVE ZERO CUISINE OF YOUR OWN, SO YOU-- WHO SIT RIGHT NEXT

你沒有自己的酒，所以你... ... 誰坐在旁邊？

TO NEW YORK AND NEW JERSEY-- ARE TRYING TO STEAL PIZZA AS YOUR

紐約和新澤西州 -- 正在試圖竊取比薩餅作為你的。

OFFICIAL FOOD?

官方食品？

WHY, BECAUSE YOU HAVE ONE TOWN THAT MAKES GOOD PIZZA?

為什麼，因為你們有一個城市能做好吃的披薩？

STAY IN YOUR LANE.

留在你的車道上。

THAT'S LIKE CANADA DECLARING BASEBALL ITS NATIONAL PASTIME

這就像加拿大宣佈棒球是其國家的時間。

BECAUSE THEY HAVE ONE BASEBALL TEAM.

因為他們有一支棒球隊。

STICK TO HOCKEY, YOU MOOSE-FONDLING POUTINE JUNKIES.

堅持打冰球，你這隻麋鹿的布丁垃圾。

I'M SORRY.

我很抱歉。

YOU DON'T DESERVE THAT.

你不值得這樣做。

I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU GOT PULLED INTO THIS STORY.

我不知道你是怎麼被拉進這個故事的。

I SUPPOSED CONNECTICUT IS NEW YORK'S CANADA.

我以為康涅狄格州是紐約的加拿大。

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH TIFFANY HADDISH.

我們會和TIFFANY HADDISH一起回來.

I HOPE SHE'S READY.

我希望她準備好了。

♪♪♪

♪♪♪