100%, and here's how.

百分之百，這就是方法。

Child psychologists say that

兒童心理學家說

as long as your kids feel safe

只要你的孩子感到安全

and loved you will not ruin them.

和愛你的人不會毀了他們。

But are you really gonna trust child psychologists?

但你真的會相信兒童心理學家嗎？

Their boss is a baby.

他們的老闆是個嬰兒。

Let's say you never play mind games.

比方說你從不玩智力遊戲。

The only thing you play your child is music.

你給孩子玩的只有音樂。

You read that playing your baby music

你讀到播放你的嬰兒音樂

while in the womb is the best way to increase brand health

在子宮內的時候，是提高品牌健康度的最佳途徑。

so you strap a pair of headphones to your swelling stomach

所以你把一副耳機綁在你腫脹的肚子上。

and play your baby songs about spreading love and joy.

並播放關於傳播愛和快樂的寶寶歌曲。

Your favorite is the beach boys song

你最喜歡的是沙灘男孩的歌

"Never Learned Not to Love,"

"從未學會不愛"

which you put on repeat.

你把重複的。

But what you don't realize is

但你不知道的是

this seemingly harmless surf bop

這看似無傷大雅的衝浪曲

was written for the Beach Boys by Charles Manson.

是查爾斯-曼森為海灘男孩樂隊寫的。

100% confirmed.

100%確認。

The Beach Boys added the bridge,

海灘男孩樂隊加了橋。

and Manson ended up killing all those people.

和曼森結束了殺害所有這些人。

So while you think

所以當你認為

you're teaching your baby bump compassion,

你在教你的寶寶 凸起的同情心。

you're actually indoctrinating him into the Manson clan.

你實際上是在給他灌輸曼森家族的知識。

His first words won't be mama,

他的第一句話不會是媽媽。

they'll be Helter Skelter

他們將是赫特斯凱爾特

because you ruined your child with music.

因為你用音樂毀了你的孩子。

Let's say you don't play music for your child in the womb.

比方說，你在子宮裡不給孩子放音樂。

What you play him is affirmations.

你給他玩的是肯定的東西。

Every day you tell him he can be whatever he wants.

每天你都告訴他，他可以成為任何他想要的人。

When he tells you he wants to be a doctor,

當他告訴你他想當醫生時

you say in my eyes you're already a doctor,

你說在我眼裡你已經是個醫生了。

which is why he skips medical school.

這就是為什麼他逃學的原因。

Turns out all you need to diagnose a patient is confidence.

原來診斷病人需要的是信心。

And he decides he's a surgeon

他決定要做個外科醫生

'cause he can take the liver out

因為他可以把肝臟取出來

without making the body buzz.

而不至於讓身體嗡嗡作響。

But unlike the game of Operation,

但與遊戲中的操作不同。

a real doctor isn't supposed to

一個真正的醫生不應該

leave his tools inside the body,

把他的工具留在身體裡。

yet your boy keeps stitching people up

但你的兒子卻一直在給人縫針

with the scalpel still inside.

手術刀還在裡面。

Pretty common practice among bad doctors.

在壞醫生中很常見的做法。

Nearly 800 surgical tools have been left

近800件手術工具被留下

in patients since 2005.

自2005年以來，患者中。

100% confirmed.

100%確認。

Your son's patients might live,

你兒子的病人可能會活著。

but they'll never get through a metal detector.

但他們永遠不會通過金屬探測器。

And that's all thanks to you,

而這一切都要感謝你。

because you ruined your child.

因為你毀了你的孩子。

Let's say you understand the importance

比方說，你明白的重要性

of teaching your child responsibility,

的教育孩子的責任感。

that's why you get him a puppy.

這就是為什麼你讓他一隻小狗。

And you don't go to a breeder, you get them a rescue.

而且你不要去找飼養員，你要給他們找一個救援。

A dog that no one wanted to adopt

一隻沒有人願意收養的狗

because of its weird tongue.

因為它奇怪的舌頭。

You encourage your son to be proud of the dog.

你鼓勵你的兒子以狗為榮。

So he posts some photos online,

所以他在網上發了一些照片。

and quickly realizes animals with birth defects

並迅速意識到動物的出生缺陷

is catnip for the internet.

是網絡上的陰謀。

Soon, your son's pup has a billion followers.

很快，你兒子的小狗就有了十億粉絲。

This foster dog has turned into a cash cow.

這隻養狗已經變成了搖錢樹。

Even when the dog dies,

即使狗死了。

your son refuses to give up the ghost.

你的兒子不肯放棄鬼。

He puts a pair of sunglasses on the dog,

他給狗戴上一副太陽鏡。

straps a pair of strings to the paws,

在爪子上綁上一對繩索。

all thanks to you, because you ruined your child

都是你的功勞，因為你毀了你的孩子。

by teaching him responsibility.

通過教育他的責任心。

Let's say you don't even have a child that you know of,

比方說，你連一個你知道的孩子都沒有。

because you've never given birth,

因為你從來沒有生過孩子。

but you have given your eggs away to a fertility clinic

但你已經把你的卵子送給了一家生育診所

when you needed some fast cash to buy one

當你需要一些快速的現金購買一個

of those big diamond clock necklaces

那些大鑽石鍾項鍊

for your authentic Flavor Flav costume.

為你的正宗風味風味服。

You got your bling,

你得到了你的閃光。

and some woman got your eggs and she sucks.

一些女人得到了你的雞蛋，她吮吸。

She raises your baby on nothing

她把你的孩子撫養得一無所有

but Mentos and David Mamet plays.

但曼託斯和大衛-馬梅特的戲。

So he becomes obsessed with earning, and he's good.

所以他迷上了掙錢，他就好了。

So good that he becomes the CEO

好到讓他成為CEO

of a successful pharmaceutical company.

一個成功的製藥公司的。

In order to increase profit,

為了增加利潤。

he raises the price of medication from 13 to $750 a tablet.

他把藥價從13元一粒提高到750元一粒。

He uses his millions to get his greedy paws

他用他的幾百萬來獲取他的貪婪的爪子。

on the one copy of Wu Tang's seventh album.

在一張吳唐第七張專輯的副本上。

This little boy has turned into the pharma bro

這個小男孩已經變成了製藥兄弟

who you decide to dress up as for Halloween,

你決定在萬聖節裝扮成誰。

because it would be hilarious to go dressed

因為它將是搞笑的去打扮

as the worst person in America.

作為美國最壞的人。

Your costume is a hit.

你的服裝是一個打擊。

Everyone says the resemblance is uncanny,

大家都說像極了。

but you don't realize you've not only

但你不知道你不僅已經

dressed up as the nation's hated man,

打扮成全國人民討厭的人。

you've also dressed up as your son.

你也扮成了你兒子的樣子。

So, yes, you will ruin your child.

所以，是的，你會毀了你的孩子。

It's just a matter of when and how.

只是時間和方式的問題。

I'm expert, Dr. Natasha Van Blot,

我是專家，娜塔莎-範-布洛特博士。

and your worst fear has been confirmed.

你最擔心的事情已經被證實了。

That's a wrap.

那是一個包。

Want a drink?

想喝點什麼？

- Oh hell yeah girl,

- 哦，地獄是女孩。

I'm dying for a little mm, mm, mm.

我很想來點毫米，毫米，毫米。

- Ooh, it looks like it's a vintage bottle from 1998.

- 哦，它看起來像一個1998年的老酒瓶。

See how you like it?

看你喜歡嗎？

- Get it in there.

- 把它放在那裡。

Get it into every open part of my interface.

讓它進入我界面的每一個打開的部分。

Ooh.

哦。

Can you hit me again with just a couple more?

你能再打我幾下嗎？

I'm good.

我很好

It's fine.

沒事的

I'm good, I'm not driving.

我很好，我不開車。

In the computer world you get used to

在電腦世界裡，你會習慣於

dust off very early on.

很早就塵封了。

There's no dust off age

歲月無痕

like there is a drinking age for humans, I've heard.

就像人類有飲酒年齡一樣，我聽說。

We just start getting it in early

我們只是早早地開始得到它

and often, if we're lucky.

如果我們運氣好的話，經常。

So I can handle it.

所以我可以處理。

I'm like pretty good at holding my dust off, I think.

我想，我很擅長保持我的塵埃，我想。

I've been told, or I've told myself.

有人告訴我，或者說我告訴自己。