在Tosh.0工作是怎樣的？ (What It’s Like to Work at Tosh.0)

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- We're never gonna use that on the show.

- 我們永遠不會在節目中使用它。
That's not for us.

那不適合我們。
No!

不！
Idiot.

傻子
No. Come on, up your game.

不，來吧，提高你的遊戲。
No, nobody cares about produce.

不，沒有人關心農產品。
You know what? Send me that link.

你知道嗎？把那個鏈接發給我
(upbeat music)

(歡快的音樂)
- This is a candle and this is flash cotton. Here we go.

- 這是蠟燭，這是閃光棉。在這裡，我們去。
(fire hissing)

（火的嘶嘶聲）
(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）
- Did that limey kid say flash cotton?

- 那個石灰小子說的是閃光棉嗎？
You mean to tell me there's an extremely flammable substance

你是說有一種極易燃燒的物質？
that I have not gotten to play with yet? (laughs)

我還沒有玩過的東西？（笑）
Unacceptable.

不可接受。
(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）
Guys, flash cotton's here.

夥計們，閃光棉在這裡。
- [Employee] What is it?

- [員工]這是什麼？
- (laughs) What is it? You're gonna feel what it is.

- (笑)那是什麼？你會感覺到它是什麼。
(fire hissing)

（火的嘶嘶聲）
- Think you sat in some.

- 我想你坐在一些。
- Ah!

- 啊！
(fire hissing)

（火的嘶嘶聲）
You know what will make this dry faster?

你知道什麼能讓這個幹得更快嗎？
(employee screaming)

（僱員尖叫）
All right, you guys keep working.

好吧，你們繼續工作。
I'm gonna get rid of this helicopter

我要把這架直升機弄走
so our enemies can't steal our stealth technology.

這樣我們的敵人就無法竊取我們的隱身技術。
(fire crackling)

（噼裡啪啦）
(explosion rumbling)

（爆炸隆隆聲）
- Thanks for the joint Daniel.

- 謝謝你的聯合，丹尼爾。
(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）
- It's scary, isn't it?

- 很可怕，不是嗎？
Somebody go grab my lucky wooden dick.

有人去抓住我的幸運木頭雞巴。
(explosion rumbling)

（爆炸隆隆聲）
The problem with baked potatoes

烤洋芋的問題
is nobody has 11 minutes to microwave them.

是沒有人有11分鐘的時間去微波他們。
(explosion rumbles)

（爆炸隆隆聲）
(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）
It's ready!

準備好了！
(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）
Guys, it's our constitutional right

夥計們，這是我們的憲法權利
to be able to burn the flag,

才能燒旗。
and thanks to flash cotton, we can do it much quicker,

多虧了閃光棉，我們可以更快地做到這一點。
so it's way less disrespectful.

所以它的方式不那麼不尊重。
(fire crackling)

（噼裡啪啦）
All right, somebody bring me the AIDS Quilt.

好吧，誰來給我拿一下艾滋病被子。
Okay, it's time for the wave.

好了，現在是浪潮的時候了。
(fire crackling)

（噼裡啪啦）
(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）
(employee yelping)

（員工叫喊）
(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）
What's the worst that could happen?

最壞的情況是什麼？
(fire crackling)

（噼裡啪啦）
(Daniel screaming)

（丹尼爾尖叫）
A lot of hair is burnt.

很多頭髮都被燒焦了。
No more pubes.

沒有陰毛了。
The stench of burnt pubes in our writer's room

在我們作家的房間裡有一股燒焦的陰毛的味道
was slightly more intense than usual that day.

當天比往常略顯緊張。
(energetic music)

(活力音樂)
- [Participant] Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

- [參與者]哇，哇，哇，哇！
(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）
(everyone cheering)

（大家歡呼）
- [Participant] Whoa, whoa, whoa!

- [參與者]哇，哇，哇！
- [Audience] Ah!

- [聽眾]啊！
- He did the trick. Now give him the mackerel.

- 他成功了現在把鯖魚給他
What kind of weird fat guy instincts made his arms do that?

是什麼怪異的胖子本能讓他的手臂這樣做？
(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）
Leave his body there as a warning

把他的屍體留在那裡，以示警告
to the other walrus people.

到其他海象人。
Those were Tough Mudder races where

那些是艱難的泥濘比賽，其中
CrossFitters take a day off from their cult

CrossFitters從他們的崇拜中休息一天。
to play in the mud.

在泥裡玩。
I'd love my staff to get some exercise,

我希望我的員工能得到一些鍛鍊。
but mud is dirty and I don't want them

但泥巴是骯髒的，我不想讓他們。
tracking it into our office.

追蹤它到我們的辦公室。
Besides, if you want to motivate the lard asses

另外，如果你想刺激那些豬油屁股的話
that work for me, you gotta go pure butter.

這對我來說，你得去純黃油。
(dramatic music)

咍
It is I, the imperial butter king!

是我，御用黃油大王!
Welcome!

歡迎光臨！
(participants cheering)

(與會者歡呼)
Silence!

安靜！
Let the 2015 Tough Butter

讓2015年Tough Butter
begin!

開始
I do not have enough butter.

我沒有足夠的黃油。
Beat the course record, I dare you.

打破課程記錄，我敢。
(spray can hissing)

（噴霧罐嘶嘶聲）
Hurry, there's no margarine for error.

快點，沒有錯誤的人造黃油。
Don't spread yourself too thin.

不要把自己攤得太薄。
(bell rings)

（鐘聲響起）
Feel the churn.

感受到了顫動。
This is butter chaos.

這是黃油的混亂。
There are easier ways to get a pat on the back. Butter.

還有更簡單的方法來獲得拍馬屁。黃油
Know where your bread is buttered.

知道你的麵包在哪裡塗了黃油。
It's a salt and buttery.

這是一種鹽和奶油。
Time! I will see you all next year at a nutter butter.

時間到了!明年的堅果黃油會上見。
That whole bit was based on a pun. Nailed it!

這整個是基於一個雙關語。釘住了！
(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）
(energetic music)

(活力音樂)
I went all out and forced my staff

我全力以赴，強迫我的員工
to pound bananas and Sprite while riding

一邊騎車一邊搗鼓香蕉和雪碧。
the most unsafe carnival scrambler ride

最不安全的嘉年華爭霸賽遊樂設施
that I could rent for under five grand,

我可以租不到五千塊錢。
not including cleanup, in this week's "Web Regurgitation."

不包括清理，在本週的 "網絡反芻 "中。
(upbeat music)

(歡快的音樂)
Step right up, step right up.

向右走，向右走。
Let's toss your bile in "Tosh.0" style on the Hurl-A-Whirl,

讓我們用 "Tosh.0 "的方式把你的膽汁扔到怒吼-旋風上。
the only ride where concessions are mandatory.

唯一的遊樂設施，其中優惠是強制性的。
Let's get your ticket here.

讓我們在這裡得到你的票。
Ooh, we got a pregnant lady. Enjoy the ride, youngster.

哦，我們得到了一個孕婦。享受旅程吧，年輕人。
Did everybody visit the bananas and Sprite stand?

大家有沒有參觀香蕉和雪碧的攤位？
(passengers cheering)

（乘客歡呼）
Alrighty, kids. You wait your turn.

好了，孩子們。你等待輪到你。
How far along are ya?

進展到什麼程度了？
(laughs) I don't care. Let's get you in there.

（笑）我不在乎。讓我們在那裡得到你。
Let's get you in there. Let's get you in there.

讓我們在那裡得到你。讓我們讓你在那裡。
Let's get you in there. That should be good.

讓你在那裡。這應該是不錯的。
Oh, this is gonna be delightful.

哦，這將是令人愉快的。
All right. The ride doesn't stop till everyone pops.

好的旅程不會停止，直到每個人都流行。
The first one to blow-

第一個爆炸的...
All right, you get it.

好吧，你明白了。
Eat your bananas. We're gonna all throw up.

吃你的香蕉吧我們都要吐了。
♪ Oh we're gonna have a banana ♪

哦，我們要去有一個香蕉
(jaunty music)

（歡快的音樂）
And now it's time to obey your thirst.

而現在是時候服從你的渴求了。
(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）
(jaunty music)

（歡快的音樂）
This is only level one.

這只是第一級。
Let's kick it up to the adult setting.

讓我們把它踢到成人環境中去。
(ride whirring)

(騎著呼嚕聲)
Free refills!

免費續杯!
(jaunty music)

（歡快的音樂）
(passenger retching)

（乘客嘔吐）
We got a puker everyone! We got a puker.

我們得到了一個嘔吐者，大家！我們有一個嘔吐者。
(ride whirring)

（騎著呼嚕嚕）
Oh, I'm not happy about this!

哦，我不高興了!
(ride whirring)

（騎著呼嚕嚕）
(passengers retching)

（乘客嘔吐）
(Daniel retching)

(Daniel retching)
(passengers retching)

（乘客嘔吐）
All right, there's nobody waiting.

好了，沒有人在等了。
What do you say? One more time!

你說什麼？再來一次！
(passengers cheer)

（乘客歡呼）
(passengers retching)

（乘客嘔吐）
Okay, there we go, my friend.

好了，我們走吧，我的朋友。
Good job. Good job.

做得好做得好，做得好
Let me get your safety.

讓我來保證你的安全。
There you go.

這就對了
(passenger retching)

（乘客嘔吐）
Okay, well, I thought you were taking a header. (laughs)

好吧，好吧，我還以為你是拿頭。（笑）
That's fine.

這很好。
(applauding)

(掌聲)
(jaunty music)

（歡快的音樂）
That was so fun.

這真是太有趣了。
But, remember, you should absolutely not film yourself

但是，你要記住，你絕對不能拍自己
doing the Sprite banana challenge

做雪碧香蕉挑戰
at amusement parks this summer.

今年夏天在遊樂園。
That would be totally irresponsible.

那是完全不負責任的。
(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）
(energetic music)

(活力音樂)
(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）
They can't all be Air Bud.

他們不可能都是Air Bud。
Hey dip (beep), maybe if you'd quit feeding your dog tacos,

嘿，dip(嗶)，如果你不餵你的狗吃玉米餅的話，也許就會。
he'd have better eyesight.

他有更好的視力。
My insensitive staff found this video hysterical.

我不敏感的員工覺得這個視頻很搞笑。
It's animal cruelty, as far as I'm concerned.

在我看來，這是虐待動物的行為。
So I challenged them to see if they could do any better.

於是我向他們發起挑戰，看看他們能不能做得更好。
(energetic music)

(活力音樂)
(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）
(magazine thwapping)

(雜誌交換)
(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）
(audience applauding)

(觀眾鼓掌)
(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）
(employee gagging)

(員工插科打諢)
(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）
(lips smooching)

（嘴脣親吻）
(audience laughs)

（觀眾笑）
(energetic music)

(活力音樂)
Whenever someone pitches a joke that I don't like,

每當有人提出一個我不喜歡的笑話時，
they have to get up on the table,

他們必須站到桌子上。
and dance their heart out for one minute.

並跳出他們的心臟一分鐘。
And there's one writer who gets particularly

而有一個作家特別
upset whenever he has to do this.

每當他要這樣做的時候，就會心煩意亂。
And for good reason, he appears to have scoliosis,

理由很充分，他似乎有脊柱側彎。
or rickets, possibly both.

或佝僂病，可能兩者都有。
Who wrote, "My God, right in the head?"

誰寫的 "我的天，正中下懷"？
- That was me.

- 那是我。
- All right. That's not even a joke.

- 好吧，這不是開玩笑。這甚至不是一個笑話。
Get on the table. Three, two, one.

上桌三、二、一
(feet tapping)

（腳踏）
(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）
Your girlfriend is a lucky woman.

你的女朋友是一個幸運的女人。
- Yeah.

- 是啊。
(everyone laughing)

（大家笑）
- I am sure you all agree that was painful.

- 我相信你們都同意那是痛苦的。
I felt so bad for him and his family

我為他和他的家人感到難過
that I hired a new writer named Chris

我僱了一個新的作家叫克里斯
just to help him get his groove back.

只是為了幫助他找回自己的節奏。
No, (laughs) I'm sorry. You know the rules.

不，（笑）對不起。你知道規則。
(beep) you, that was funny.

(嗶)你，這很有趣。
(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）
(energetic music)

(活力音樂)
Now you try.

現在你試試。
(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）
(employees applauding)

(員工鼓掌)
(energetic music)

(活力音樂)
That sweet old lady with a camel toe is Joanna

那個長著駱駝腳趾的可愛老太太就是喬安娜了
and she is the genius behind the world's only

她是世界上唯一的天才，她是世界上唯一的
horse inspired workout, Prancercise LLC.

馬的靈感鍛鍊，Prancercise LLC。
(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）
(dramatic music)

咍
Well, howdy Prancercising princess.

好了，你好Prancercising公主。
- Howdy Daniel. Nice to meet you.

- 你好，丹尼爾很高興見到你
- Nice to meet you. I appreciate you coming.

- 很高興見到你。我很感激你的到來。
My season starts in three days

我的賽季還有三天就開始了
and I need to get in tip top shape.

我需要得到在尖端的形狀。
- Well Prancercise is the answer.

- 那麼Prancercise就是答案。
I'm telling you Daniel. There's nothing like it.

我告訴你，丹尼爾沒有什麼比得上它。
- I only got three days.

- 我只有三天時間
So I think I'm gonna need larger weights.

所以我想我需要更大的重量。
Is Prancercising based on your love for horses?

Prancercising是基於你對馬的熱愛嗎？
- What's not to love?

- 有什麼不喜歡的？
Strength, endurance, and vegetarians.

力量、耐力、素養。
- What's the best music to Prancercise to?

- 最適合做Prancercise的音樂是什麼？
- I love Motown.

- 我喜歡摩城
(upbeat music)

(歡快的音樂)
Do the Prancercise walk first.

先做魄力行走。
From side to side. Let's go.

從一邊到另一邊。我們走吧
- I'm ready to pick up the pace.

- 我已經準備好加快步伐了。
- All right. The next mode is the trot.

- 好了，下一個模式是小跑。下一個模式是小跑。
(man grunting)

（男人叫聲）
- Don't sneak up on someone Prancercising.

- 不要偷襲別人的Prancercising。
- The trot is similar to the walk.

- 小跑與散步相似。
- Everyone should be Prancercising.

- 每個人都應該是Prancercising。
Guys, if you don't Prancercise, you're Prancerfired.

夥計們，如果你不做Prancercise，你就會被Prancerfired。
(feet tapping)

（腳踏）
(employee groans)

（員工呻吟）
Thank you! My body feels incredible Prancercise lady.

謝謝你！我的身體感覺不可思議 Prancercise女士。
- Remember Daniel, keep on prancing.

- 記住丹尼爾，繼續奔跑吧。
(wings flapping)

（翅膀扇動）
Keep prancing. Keep on prancing.

繼續跳動。繼續跳動。
Keep on prancing.

繼續奔跑。
(energetic music)

(活力音樂)
(ball thudding)

（球砰砰）
- [Soccer Player] Do it again! One more!

- 再來一次！再來一次！
- [Soccer Player] Bucket!

- [足球運動員]水桶！
(everyone cheering)

（大家歡呼）
- Is it over? I refuse to watch soccer.

- 結束了嗎？我拒絕看足球。
(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）
I have a similar pre-show routine with gum.

我有一個類似的表演前的程序與口香糖。
We've never made it all the way around,

我們從來沒有做到這一點的方式。
but we're getting close.

但我們正在接近。
All right, which side do we want me to start on?

好吧，我們要我從哪邊開始？
(Daniel spitting)

(Daniel spitting)
Ah, not supposed to chew it.

啊，不應該咀嚼它。
(Daniel spitting)

(Daniel spitting)
Are you purposely sabotaging this?

你是在故意搞破壞嗎？
(Daniel spitting)

(Daniel spitting)
- Oh, it's so wet.

- 哦，它是如此潮溼。
(Daniel spitting)

(Daniel spitting)
(Daniel groaning)

(丹尼爾在呻吟)
Oh, (beep).

哦，（嗶）。
- You gotta spit it back!

- 你得把它吐回去！
- It went in my mouth. I didn't think it would.

- 它進了我的嘴。我沒想到會這樣。
First time I'm good at anything.

第一次，我擅長什麼。
- Just to be clear, the whole point of that bit,

- 先說明一下，這一點的全部意義。
was to spit wads of gum on him.

是把口香糖吐在他身上。
(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）
(energetic music)

(活力音樂)
Most of the people who work for me

大多數為我工作的人
are either overweight or have terrible diets.

要麼是超重，要麼是糟糕的飲食。
I decided the best way to fix their eating habits

我決定用最好的方法來改善他們的飲食習慣。
would be to secretly replace their snacks

就是偷偷地換掉他們的零食
with various poisons until those freeloading animals

用各種毒藥，直到那些自由自在的動物為止
were too afraid to eat anything at all.

根本不敢吃任何東西。
(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）
The first thing I did was I set up a hidden camera

我做的第一件事是我設置了一個隱藏的攝像頭。
in our kitchen, put out some fancy dog treats, okay?

在我們的廚房裡，放出一些花哨的狗糧，好嗎？
My staff will eat anything

我的員工什麼都能吃
if you set it out on a nice plate.

如果你把它放在一個漂亮的盤子裡。
(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）
Everyone's eyeballing it.

大家都在盯著它。
She wants to make sure it's gluten-free.

她想確保它是無麩質的。
(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）
That guy's favorite cookie in the world is a Fig Newton.

這傢伙最喜歡的餅乾在世界上是一個無花果牛頓。
You'd think someone like that

你會覺得這樣的人
would be impressed by dog food.

會被狗糧所打動。
(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）
But, nope, he immediately spits it out.

但是，不對，他馬上就吐出來了。
That's one of our editors.

那是我們的一個編輯。
He's just chewing it. He's processing it.

他只是在咀嚼它。他正在處理它。
This guy went down on Brie Olsen.

這傢伙對布麗-奧爾森下手了。
You'd think he could handle this.

你會認為他能處理好的
(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）
Nope. That's coming out.

不，那是要出來的。這是要出來的。
Then there's Ricky. All right.

然後是瑞奇。好吧，我知道了
I hate to do this to you, Ricky.

我討厭這樣對你，瑞奇。
He's taking a bite of it and he's like, oh, that's not bad.

他咬了一口，他說，哦，還不錯。
Try another bite. Let me get one more of those.

再吃一口吧讓我再吃一口
(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）
I like that he shakes his head here before he has a third.

我喜歡他在這裡搖頭，在他有第三個。
That's his third dog treat!

這是他的第三份狗糧！
His coat is going to look amazing.

他的大衣一定會很好看
(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）
(energetic music)

(活力音樂)
When I discovered this website called Momentary Ink,

當我發現了這個叫矩墨的網站。
that makes extremely realistic, custom, temporary tattoos,

這使得極其逼真的，定製的，臨時紋身。
I decided to toughen up the dorks on my staff

我決定讓我的員工中的呆子們變得更強硬一些
with some sick neck tats.

與一些生病的脖子紋身。
(energetic music)

(活力音樂)
All right, Eddie,

好吧，埃迪。
since you like the most boring ass basketball team,

因為你喜歡最無聊的屁股籃球隊。
I got you the most boring ass tattoo.

我給你紋了一個最無聊的屁股紋身。
Pretty bad ass. Swish.

很壞的屁股。唰。
Tim Duncan bank shot.

蒂姆-鄧肯銀行投籃。
(energetic music)

(活力音樂)
It's hard to embarrass a man who already

這很難讓一個男人難堪，他已經...
has a cassette tape permanently tattooed

身上紋了一盒錄音帶。
to their arm and goes to Coachella every single year,

到他們的手臂，每年都會去科切拉音樂節。
but I think this did the trick.

但我認為這是做的伎倆。
What we went with is a neck tat of the lyrics

我們用的是歌詞的頸部刺青。
of Smash Mouth's hit from the movie "Shrek," "All Star."

的Smash Mouth的命中從電影 "史萊克"，"全明星"。
♪ Hey now, you're an all star ♪

嘿，現在，你是一個全明星
♪ Get your game on, go hey ♪

讓你的遊戲，去嘿
You two rednecks went to the University of Alabama

你們兩個鄉巴佬去了阿拉巴馬大學。
so I'm sure you're gonna appreciate these Auburn tattoos.

所以我相信你會喜歡這些奧本的紋身。
Get a good shot of those for your stupid message boards

為你的愚蠢的留言板拍張好照片吧
ya cousin fucking hillbillies.

你的表弟他媽的鄉巴佬。
War Eagle!

戰鷹！
- War Eagle! - War Eagle!

- 戰鷹！- 戰鷹！
(employee screeching)

（僱員尖叫）
- You still feeling the burn, Charlie?

- 你還感覺到燒傷了嗎，查理？
Good luck explaining that to your liberal Hollywood friends.

祝你向你的自由派好萊塢朋友解釋。
All right, now it's my turn.

好了，現在輪到我了。
Remember, I love the dolphins, surfing,

記住，我喜歡海豚，衝浪。
and chocolate chip cookies.

和巧克力餅乾。
Please be respectful.

請尊重。
A dick choker, dick and pubes, and tribal dick on my head?

屌絲帽，屌絲和陰毛，還有我頭上的部落屌絲？
I love it. I love it!

我愛它，我愛它！我愛它！
"Tosh.0" till we fucking die.

"Tosh.0"，直到我們他媽的死。
Nothing that a lotta gasoline and steel wool

沒有什麼是大量的汽油和鋼毛的。
couldn't scrub off.

擦不掉的。
(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）
(energetic music)

(活力音樂)
(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）
I prefer traditional porn, but in a pinch,

我更喜歡傳統的色情片，但在緊要關頭。
sorority recruitment videos will do.

聯誼會招聘視頻就可以了。
Sororities all across the country are making these

全國各地的聯誼會都在做這些事情。
because like any business they have to

因為就像其他行業一樣，他們必須
trick new customers into wasting money.

騙取新客戶的錢財，讓他們白白浪費。
And what is higher education without blowing glitter?

而不吹毛求疵的高等教育是什麼？
Laughing in slow motion?

慢動作的笑聲？
And jumping in slow motion.

而且是慢動作的跳躍。
But what happens when sorority life ends?

但聯誼會生活結束後會怎樣呢？
I want those barely legal smoking hot chicks

我要那些合法的煙辣妹子
to know they'll always have a home here at "Tosh.0."

知道他們在 "Tosh. 0 "永遠有一個家。
So while you're waiting to get snatched up

所以當你等著被人搶走的時候。
by a wealthy husband,

由一個富有的丈夫。
why not move to L.A. and work for me?

為什麼不搬到洛杉磯為我工作？
(energetic music)

(活力音樂)
(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）
(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）
♪ Whoa, I feel so free ♪

# Whoa, I feel so free #
♪ Whoa, let's do this again and again ♪

哇，讓我們做這個一次又一次的
♪ Whoa, it'll never be over ♪

# Whoa, it'll never be over #
♪ Whoa, let's make sure it will never end ♪

# Whoa, let's make sure it will never end #
♪ Feel so free ♪

感覺如此自由
♪ Whoa, we're living life to no end ♪

# Whoa, we're living life to no end #
♪ No end, no end, no end, ♪

沒有結束，沒有結束，沒有結束，?
♪ No end ♪

? 沒有結束?
♪ Uh, uh, no, nah, nah, say it never ends ♪

呃，呃，不，不，不，不，說它永遠不會結束
♪ Uh, no, say it never ends ♪

呃，不，說它永遠不會結束
♪ Whoa, I feel so free ♪

# Whoa, I feel so free #
♪ Whoa, let's make sure it will never end ♪

# Whoa, let's make sure it will never end #
♪ Whoa, feel so free ♪

# Whoa, feel so free #
♪ Whoa, promise we can do this again ♪

哇，保證我們可以再次做到這一點，
♪ And never say it's over ♪

永遠不要說它的結束
♪ Whoa, we're living life to no end ♪

# Whoa, we're living life to no end #
(energetic music)

(活力音樂)
(gentle music)

（溫柔的音樂）
(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）
(dog yelping)

（狗叫聲）
(tape ripping)

（錄音帶翻錄）
Allie, I'm out of tape! I need more tape!

艾莉，我沒帶子了！我需要更多的錄音帶！
(man thudding)

（男人砰砰）
HR said I couldn't use staples.

HR說我不能用訂書機。
(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）
(energetic music)

(活力音樂)
Fidget spinners. I think we can all agree.

擺弄旋轉器。我想我們都同意。
There's absolutely nothing annoying about them

他們絕對沒有什麼煩人的地方。
and they will definitely stand the test of time.

而且它們一定會經得起時間的考驗。
I don't know why schools and workplaces are banning them.

我不知道為什麼學校和工作場所要禁止它們。
They are scientifically proven to increase productivity.

科學證明，它們能提高生產力。
In fact, I've started teaching

事實上，我已經開始教
a fidget spin class at my office.

在我的辦公室上了一節旋轉課
Find your fucking fidget.

找到你他媽的坐立不安。
One, two, one, two, spin.

一，二，一，二，旋轉。
Tilt it left. Tilt it right.

向左傾斜。向右傾斜。
I know you feel like you're gonna die,

我知道你覺得自己快死了。
but don't you also feel like you're gonna live?

但你不也覺得自己會活下去嗎？
Double time. Double spin.

雙倍的時間。雙重旋轉。
(energetic music)

(活力音樂)
Reverse spin.

反向旋轉。
Sign up for my class.

報名參加我的班級。
It fills up early because I play great music

因為我演奏的音樂很好，所以很早就滿座了
and boy, do we sweat?

而男孩，我們出汗？
(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）
(energetic music)

(活力音樂)
There's finally a website I can wrap my stupid head around.

終於有一個網站，我可以把我那愚蠢的腦袋繞進去。
It's called somethingstore.com and here's how it works.

它叫somethingstore.com，下面是它的工作原理。
You send them $10 and they send you something.

你給他們10塊錢，他們就給你寄東西。
(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）
So, naturally, I sent 'em 200 bucks.

所以，自然，我給他們寄了200塊錢。
According to my calculations, that's around 2 million,

根據我的計算，大約是200萬。
I don't know, I'm not good at math.

我不知道，我數學不好。
I have no idea what's in any of these.

我不知道這些東西里面有什麼。
(boxes thudding)

（箱子砰砰地響）
(plastic ripping)

(塑膠撕裂)
Look at this! I got a multi-tool.

看看這個！我有一個多功能工具。
What do you got over there?

你那裡有什麼？
- I got a hookah.

- 我有一個妓女。
- Look at that hat!

- 看那帽子！
- [Employee] Oh, that's amazing!

- 哦，太不可思議了！
- That's perfect for you.

- 這對你來說是完美的。
- Oh, look at this.

- 哦，看這個。
(everyone laughs)

（大家笑）
- It's another (beep) wallet?

- 這又是一個（嗶）錢包？
(everyone clapping)

（大家鼓掌）
- (laughs) That guy's got two wallets.

- (笑)這傢伙有兩個錢包。
- I got a Kindle, you guys.

- 我有一個Kindle，你們。
- [Employee] No you didn't.

- [員工]不，你沒有。
- Yeah, I did.

- 是的，我有。
- What the (beep)?

- 什麼（嗶嗶聲）？
- It's the best one. I got the best one!

- 這是最好的一個。我得到了最好的一個！
- This is bull (beep).

- 這是牛（嗶）。
- (Daniel) This guy definitely stole (beep).

- (丹尼爾)這傢伙肯定偷了(嗶)。
(everyone laughing)

（大家笑）
That guy will either be a billionaire

這傢伙要麼是個億萬富翁
or in jail by tomorrow morning.

或者在明天早上之前進監獄。
(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）
Finally, my Jewish viewers will get to know

最後，我的猶太觀眾將認識到：
what Christmas really feels like.

聖誕節的真正感覺。
Excitement. Then disappointment, followed by jealousy.

興奮。然後是失望，接著是嫉妒。
(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）
(energetic music)

(活力音樂)