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  • - We're never gonna use that on the show.

    - 我們永遠不會在節目中使用它。

  • That's not for us.

    那不適合我們。

  • No!

    不!

  • Idiot.

    傻子

  • No. Come on, up your game.

    不,來吧,提高你的遊戲。

  • No, nobody cares about produce.

    不,沒有人關心農產品。

  • You know what? Send me that link.

    你知道嗎?把那個鏈接發給我

  • (upbeat music)

    (歡快的音樂)

  • - This is a candle and this is flash cotton. Here we go.

    - 這是蠟燭,這是閃光棉。在這裡,我們去。

  • (fire hissing)

    (火的嘶嘶聲)

  • (audience laughing)

    (觀眾笑)

  • - Did that limey kid say flash cotton?

    - 那個石灰小子說的是閃光棉嗎?

  • You mean to tell me there's an extremely flammable substance

    你是說有一種極易燃燒的物質?

  • that I have not gotten to play with yet? (laughs)

    我還沒有玩過的東西?(笑)

  • Unacceptable.

    不可接受。

  • (audience laughing)

    (觀眾笑)

  • Guys, flash cotton's here.

    夥計們,閃光棉在這裡。

  • - [Employee] What is it?

    - [員工]這是什麼?

  • - (laughs) What is it? You're gonna feel what it is.

    - (笑)那是什麼?你會感覺到它是什麼。

  • (fire hissing)

    (火的嘶嘶聲)

  • - Think you sat in some.

    - 我想你坐在一些。

  • - Ah!

    - 啊!

  • (fire hissing)

    (火的嘶嘶聲)

  • You know what will make this dry faster?

    你知道什麼能讓這個幹得更快嗎?

  • (employee screaming)

    (僱員尖叫)

  • All right, you guys keep working.

    好吧,你們繼續工作。

  • I'm gonna get rid of this helicopter

    我要把這架直升機弄走

  • so our enemies can't steal our stealth technology.

    這樣我們的敵人就無法竊取我們的隱身技術。

  • (fire crackling)

    (噼裡啪啦)

  • (explosion rumbling)

    (爆炸隆隆聲)

  • - Thanks for the joint Daniel.

    - 謝謝你的聯合,丹尼爾。

  • (audience laughing)

    (觀眾笑)

  • - It's scary, isn't it?

    - 很可怕,不是嗎?

  • Somebody go grab my lucky wooden dick.

    有人去抓住我的幸運木頭雞巴。

  • (explosion rumbling)

    (爆炸隆隆聲)

  • The problem with baked potatoes

    烤洋芋的問題

  • is nobody has 11 minutes to microwave them.

    是沒有人有11分鐘的時間去微波他們。

  • (explosion rumbles)

    (爆炸隆隆聲)

  • (audience laughing)

    (觀眾笑)

  • It's ready!

    準備好了!

  • (audience laughing)

    (觀眾笑)

  • Guys, it's our constitutional right

    夥計們,這是我們的憲法權利

  • to be able to burn the flag,

    才能燒旗。

  • and thanks to flash cotton, we can do it much quicker,

    多虧了閃光棉,我們可以更快地做到這一點。

  • so it's way less disrespectful.

    所以它的方式不那麼不尊重。

  • (fire crackling)

    (噼裡啪啦)

  • All right, somebody bring me the AIDS Quilt.

    好吧,誰來給我拿一下艾滋病被子。

  • Okay, it's time for the wave.

    好了,現在是浪潮的時候了。

  • (fire crackling)

    (噼裡啪啦)

  • (audience laughing)

    (觀眾笑)

  • (employee yelping)

    (員工叫喊)

  • (audience laughing)

    (觀眾笑)

  • What's the worst that could happen?

    最壞的情況是什麼?

  • (fire crackling)

    (噼裡啪啦)

  • (Daniel screaming)

    (丹尼爾尖叫)

  • A lot of hair is burnt.

    很多頭髮都被燒焦了。

  • No more pubes.

    沒有陰毛了。

  • The stench of burnt pubes in our writer's room

    在我們作家的房間裡有一股燒焦的陰毛的味道

  • was slightly more intense than usual that day.

    當天比往常略顯緊張。

  • (energetic music)

    (活力音樂)

  • - [Participant] Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

    - [參與者]哇,哇,哇,哇!

  • (audience laughing)

    (觀眾笑)

  • (everyone cheering)

    (大家歡呼)

  • - [Participant] Whoa, whoa, whoa!

    - [參與者]哇,哇,哇!

  • - [Audience] Ah!

    - [聽眾]啊!

  • - He did the trick. Now give him the mackerel.

    - 他成功了現在把鯖魚給他

  • What kind of weird fat guy instincts made his arms do that?

    是什麼怪異的胖子本能讓他的手臂這樣做?

  • (audience laughing)

    (觀眾笑)

  • Leave his body there as a warning

    把他的屍體留在那裡,以示警告

  • to the other walrus people.

    到其他海象人。

  • Those were Tough Mudder races where

    那些是艱難的泥濘比賽,其中

  • CrossFitters take a day off from their cult

    CrossFitters從他們的崇拜中休息一天。

  • to play in the mud.

    在泥裡玩。

  • I'd love my staff to get some exercise,

    我希望我的員工能得到一些鍛鍊。

  • but mud is dirty and I don't want them

    但泥巴是骯髒的,我不想讓他們。

  • tracking it into our office.

    追蹤它到我們的辦公室。

  • Besides, if you want to motivate the lard asses

    另外,如果你想刺激那些豬油屁股的話

  • that work for me, you gotta go pure butter.

    這對我來說,你得去純黃油。

  • (dramatic music)

  • It is I, the imperial butter king!

    是我,御用黃油大王!

  • Welcome!

    歡迎光臨!

  • (participants cheering)

    (與會者歡呼)

  • Silence!

    安靜!

  • Let the 2015 Tough Butter

    讓2015年Tough Butter

  • begin!

    開始

  • I do not have enough butter.

    我沒有足夠的黃油。

  • Beat the course record, I dare you.

    打破課程記錄,我敢。

  • (spray can hissing)

    (噴霧罐嘶嘶聲)

  • Hurry, there's no margarine for error.

    快點,沒有錯誤的人造黃油。

  • Don't spread yourself too thin.

    不要把自己攤得太薄。

  • (bell rings)

    (鐘聲響起)

  • Feel the churn.

    感受到了顫動。

  • This is butter chaos.

    這是黃油的混亂。

  • There are easier ways to get a pat on the back. Butter.

    還有更簡單的方法來獲得拍馬屁。黃油

  • Know where your bread is buttered.

    知道你的麵包在哪裡塗了黃油。

  • It's a salt and buttery.

    這是一種鹽和奶油。

  • Time! I will see you all next year at a nutter butter.

    時間到了!明年的堅果黃油會上見。

  • That whole bit was based on a pun. Nailed it!

    這整個是基於一個雙關語。釘住了!

  • (audience laughing)

    (觀眾笑)

  • (energetic music)

    (活力音樂)

  • I went all out and forced my staff

    我全力以赴,強迫我的員工

  • to pound bananas and Sprite while riding

    一邊騎車一邊搗鼓香蕉和雪碧。

  • the most unsafe carnival scrambler ride

    最不安全的嘉年華爭霸賽遊樂設施

  • that I could rent for under five grand,

    我可以租不到五千塊錢。

  • not including cleanup, in this week's "Web Regurgitation."

    不包括清理,在本週的 "網絡反芻 "中。

  • (upbeat music)

    (歡快的音樂)

  • Step right up, step right up.

    向右走,向右走。

  • Let's toss your bile in "Tosh.0" style on the Hurl-A-Whirl,

    讓我們用 "Tosh.0 "的方式把你的膽汁扔到怒吼-旋風上。

  • the only ride where concessions are mandatory.

    唯一的遊樂設施,其中優惠是強制性的。

  • Let's get your ticket here.

    讓我們在這裡得到你的票。

  • Ooh, we got a pregnant lady. Enjoy the ride, youngster.

    哦,我們得到了一個孕婦。享受旅程吧,年輕人。

  • Did everybody visit the bananas and Sprite stand?

    大家有沒有參觀香蕉和雪碧的攤位?

  • (passengers cheering)

    (乘客歡呼)

  • Alrighty, kids. You wait your turn.

    好了,孩子們。你等待輪到你。

  • How far along are ya?

    進展到什麼程度了?

  • (laughs) I don't care. Let's get you in there.

    (笑)我不在乎。讓我們在那裡得到你。

  • Let's get you in there. Let's get you in there.

    讓我們在那裡得到你。讓我們讓你在那裡。

  • Let's get you in there. That should be good.

    讓你在那裡。這應該是不錯的。

  • Oh, this is gonna be delightful.

    哦,這將是令人愉快的。

  • All right. The ride doesn't stop till everyone pops.

    好的旅程不會停止,直到每個人都流行。

  • The first one to blow-

    第一個爆炸的...

  • All right, you get it.

    好吧,你明白了。

  • Eat your bananas. We're gonna all throw up.

    吃你的香蕉吧我們都要吐了。

  • Oh we're gonna have a banana

    哦,我們要去有一個香蕉

  • (jaunty music)

    (歡快的音樂)

  • And now it's time to obey your thirst.

    而現在是時候服從你的渴求了。

  • (audience laughing)

    (觀眾笑)

  • (jaunty music)

    (歡快的音樂)

  • This is only level one.

    這只是第一級。

  • Let's kick it up to the adult setting.

    讓我們把它踢到成人環境中去。

  • (ride whirring)

    (騎著呼嚕聲)

  • Free refills!

    免費續杯!

  • (jaunty music)

    (歡快的音樂)

  • (passenger retching)

    (乘客嘔吐)

  • We got a puker everyone! We got a puker.

    我們得到了一個嘔吐者,大家!我們有一個嘔吐者。

  • (ride whirring)

    (騎著呼嚕嚕)

  • Oh, I'm not happy about this!

    哦,我不高興了!

  • (ride whirring)

    (騎著呼嚕嚕)

  • (passengers retching)

    (乘客嘔吐)

  • (Daniel retching)

    (Daniel retching)

  • (passengers retching)

    (乘客嘔吐)

  • All right, there's nobody waiting.

    好了,沒有人在等了。

  • What do you say? One more time!

    你說什麼?再來一次!

  • (passengers cheer)

    (乘客歡呼)

  • (passengers retching)

    (乘客嘔吐)

  • Okay, there we go, my friend.

    好了,我們走吧,我的朋友。

  • Good job. Good job.

    做得好做得好,做得好

  • Let me get your safety.

    讓我來保證你的安全。

  • There you go.

    這就對了

  • (passenger retching)

    (乘客嘔吐)

  • Okay, well, I thought you were taking a header. (laughs)

    好吧,好吧,我還以為你是拿頭。(笑)

  • That's fine.

    這很好。

  • (applauding)

    (掌聲)

  • (jaunty music)

    (歡快的音樂)

  • That was so fun.

    這真是太有趣了。

  • But, remember, you should absolutely not film yourself

    但是,你要記住,你絕對不能拍自己

  • doing the Sprite banana challenge

    做雪碧香蕉挑戰

  • at amusement parks this summer.

    今年夏天在遊樂園。

  • That would be totally irresponsible.

    那是完全不負責任的。

  • (audience laughing)

    (觀眾笑)

  • (energetic music)

    (活力音樂)

  • (audience laughing)

    (觀眾笑)

  • They can't all be Air Bud.

    他們不可能都是Air Bud。

  • Hey dip (beep), maybe if you'd quit feeding your dog tacos,

    嘿,dip(嗶),如果你不餵你的狗吃玉米餅的話,也許就會。

  • he'd have better eyesight.

    他有更好的視力。

  • My insensitive staff found this video hysterical.

    我不敏感的員工覺得這個視頻很搞笑。

  • It's animal cruelty, as far as I'm concerned.

    在我看來,這是虐待動物的行為。

  • So I challenged them to see if they could do any better.

    於是我向他們發起挑戰,看看他們能不能做得更好。

  • (energetic music)

    (活力音樂)

  • (audience laughing)

    (觀眾笑)

  • (magazine thwapping)

    (雜誌交換)

  • (audience laughing)

    (觀眾笑)

  • (audience applauding)

    (觀眾鼓掌)

  • (audience laughing)

    (觀眾笑)

  • (employee gagging)

    (員工插科打諢)

  • (audience laughing)

    (觀眾笑)

  • (lips smooching)

    (嘴脣親吻)

  • (audience laughs)

    (觀眾笑)

  • (energetic music)

    (活力音樂)

  • Whenever someone pitches a joke that I don't like,

    每當有人提出一個我不喜歡的笑話時,

  • they have to get up on the table,

    他們必須站到桌子上。

  • and dance their heart out for one minute.

    並跳出他們的心臟一分鐘。

  • And there's one writer who gets particularly

    而有一個作家特別

  • upset whenever he has to do this.

    每當他要這樣做的時候,就會心煩意亂。

  • And for good reason, he appears to have scoliosis,

    理由很充分,他似乎有脊柱側彎。

  • or rickets, possibly both.

    或佝僂病,可能兩者都有。

  • Who wrote, "My God, right in the head?"

    誰寫的 "我的天,正中下懷"?

  • - That was me.

    - 那是我。

  • - All right. That's not even a joke.

    - 好吧,這不是開玩笑。這甚至不是一個笑話。

  • Get on the table. Three, two, one.

    上桌三、二、一

  • (feet tapping)

    (腳踏)

  • (audience laughing)

    (觀眾笑)

  • Your girlfriend is a lucky woman.

    你的女朋友是一個幸運的女人。

  • - Yeah.

    - 是啊。

  • (everyone laughing)

    (大家笑)

  • - I am sure you all agree that was painful.

    - 我相信你們都同意那是痛苦的。

  • I felt so bad for him and his family

    我為他和他的家人感到難過

  • that I hired a new writer named Chris

    我僱了一個新的作家叫克里斯

  • just to help him get his groove back.

    只是為了幫助他找回自己的節奏。

  • No, (laughs) I'm sorry. You know the rules.

    不,(笑)對不起。你知道規則。

  • (beep) you, that was funny.

    (嗶)你,這很有趣。

  • (audience laughing)

    (觀眾笑)

  • (energetic music)

    (活力音樂)

  • Now you try.

    現在你試試。

  • (audience laughing)

    (觀眾笑)

  • (employees applauding)

    (員工鼓掌)

  • (energetic music)

    (活力音樂)

  • That sweet old lady with a camel toe is Joanna

    那個長著駱駝腳趾的可愛老太太就是喬安娜了

  • and she is the genius behind the world's only

    她是世界上唯一的天才,她是世界上唯一的

  • horse inspired workout, Prancercise LLC.

    馬的靈感鍛鍊,Prancercise LLC。

  • (audience laughing)

    (觀眾笑)

  • (dramatic music)

  • Well, howdy Prancercising princess.

    好了,你好Prancercising公主。

  • - Howdy Daniel. Nice to meet you.

    - 你好,丹尼爾很高興見到你

  • - Nice to meet you. I appreciate you coming.

    - 很高興見到你。我很感激你的到來。

  • My season starts in three days

    我的賽季還有三天就開始了

  • and I need to get in tip top shape.

    我需要得到在尖端的形狀。

  • - Well Prancercise is the answer.

    - 那麼Prancercise就是答案。

  • I'm telling you Daniel. There's nothing like it.

    我告訴你,丹尼爾沒有什麼比得上它。

  • - I only got three days.

    - 我只有三天時間

  • So I think I'm gonna need larger weights.

    所以我想我需要更大的重量。

  • Is Prancercising based on your love for horses?

    Prancercising是基於你對馬的熱愛嗎?

  • - What's not to love?

    - 有什麼不喜歡的?

  • Strength, endurance, and vegetarians.

    力量、耐力、素養。

  • - What's the best music to Prancercise to?

    - 最適合做Prancercise的音樂是什麼?

  • - I love Motown.

    - 我喜歡摩城

  • (upbeat music)

    (歡快的音樂)

  • Do the Prancercise walk first.

    先做魄力行走。

  • From side to side. Let's go.

    從一邊到另一邊。我們走吧

  • - I'm ready to pick up the pace.

    - 我已經準備好加快步伐了。

  • - All right. The next mode is the trot.

    - 好了,下一個模式是小跑。下一個模式是小跑。

  • (man grunting)

    (男人叫聲)

  • - Don't sneak up on someone Prancercising.

    - 不要偷襲別人的Prancercising。

  • - The trot is similar to the walk.

    - 小跑與散步相似。

  • - Everyone should be Prancercising.

    - 每個人都應該是Prancercising。

  • Guys, if you don't Prancercise, you're Prancerfired.

    夥計們,如果你不做Prancercise,你就會被Prancerfired。

  • (feet tapping)

    (腳踏)

  • (employee groans)

    (員工呻吟)

  • Thank you! My body feels incredible Prancercise lady.

    謝謝你!我的身體感覺不可思議 Prancercise女士。

  • - Remember Daniel, keep on prancing.

    - 記住丹尼爾,繼續奔跑吧。

  • (wings flapping)

    (翅膀扇動)

  • Keep prancing. Keep on prancing.

    繼續跳動。繼續跳動。

  • Keep on prancing.

    繼續奔跑。

  • (energetic music)

    (活力音樂)

  • (ball thudding)

    (球砰砰)

  • - [Soccer Player] Do it again! One more!

    - 再來一次!再來一次!

  • - [Soccer Player] Bucket!

    - [足球運動員]水桶!

  • (everyone cheering)

    (大家歡呼)

  • - Is it over? I refuse to watch soccer.

    - 結束了嗎?我拒絕看足球。

  • (audience laughing)

    (觀眾笑)

  • I have a similar pre-show routine with gum.

    我有一個類似的表演前的程序與口香糖。

  • We've never made it all the way around,

    我們從來沒有做到這一點的方式。

  • but we're getting close.

    但我們正在接近。

  • All right, which side do we want me to start on?

    好吧,我們要我從哪邊開始?

  • (Daniel spitting)

    (Daniel spitting)

  • Ah, not supposed to chew it.

    啊,不應該咀嚼它。

  • (Daniel spitting)

    (Daniel spitting)

  • Are you purposely sabotaging this?

    你是在故意搞破壞嗎?

  • (Daniel spitting)

    (Daniel spitting)

  • - Oh, it's so wet.

    - 哦,它是如此潮溼。

  • (Daniel spitting)

    (Daniel spitting)

  • (Daniel groaning)

    (丹尼爾在呻吟)

  • Oh, (beep).

    哦,(嗶)。

  • - You gotta spit it back!

    - 你得把它吐回去!

  • - It went in my mouth. I didn't think it would.

    - 它進了我的嘴。我沒想到會這樣。

  • First time I'm good at anything.

    第一次,我擅長什麼。

  • - Just to be clear, the whole point of that bit,

    - 先說明一下,這一點的全部意義。

  • was to spit wads of gum on him.

    是把口香糖吐在他身上。

  • (audience laughing)

    (觀眾笑)

  • (energetic music)

    (活力音樂)

  • Most of the people who work for me

    大多數為我工作的人

  • are either overweight or have terrible diets.

    要麼是超重,要麼是糟糕的飲食。

  • I decided the best way to fix their eating habits

    我決定用最好的方法來改善他們的飲食習慣。

  • would be to secretly replace their snacks

    就是偷偷地換掉他們的零食

  • with various poisons until those freeloading animals

    用各種毒藥,直到那些自由自在的動物為止

  • were too afraid to eat anything at all.

    根本不敢吃任何東西。

  • (audience laughing)

    (觀眾笑)

  • The first thing I did was I set up a hidden camera

    我做的第一件事是我設置了一個隱藏的攝像頭。

  • in our kitchen, put out some fancy dog treats, okay?

    在我們的廚房裡,放出一些花哨的狗糧,好嗎?

  • My staff will eat anything

    我的員工什麼都能吃

  • if you set it out on a nice plate.

    如果你把它放在一個漂亮的盤子裡。

  • (audience laughing)

    (觀眾笑)

  • Everyone's eyeballing it.

    大家都在盯著它。

  • She wants to make sure it's gluten-free.

    她想確保它是無麩質的。

  • (audience laughing)

    (觀眾笑)

  • That guy's favorite cookie in the world is a Fig Newton.

    這傢伙最喜歡的餅乾在世界上是一個無花果牛頓。

  • You'd think someone like that

    你會覺得這樣的人

  • would be impressed by dog food.

    會被狗糧所打動。

  • (audience laughing)

    (觀眾笑)

  • But, nope, he immediately spits it out.

    但是,不對,他馬上就吐出來了。

  • That's one of our editors.

    那是我們的一個編輯。

  • He's just chewing it. He's processing it.

    他只是在咀嚼它。他正在處理它。

  • This guy went down on Brie Olsen.

    這傢伙對布麗-奧爾森下手了。

  • You'd think he could handle this.

    你會認為他能處理好的

  • (audience laughing)

    (觀眾笑)

  • Nope. That's coming out.

    不,那是要出來的。這是要出來的。

  • Then there's Ricky. All right.

    然後是瑞奇。好吧,我知道了

  • I hate to do this to you, Ricky.

    我討厭這樣對你,瑞奇。

  • He's taking a bite of it and he's like, oh, that's not bad.

    他咬了一口,他說,哦,還不錯。

  • Try another bite. Let me get one more of those.

    再吃一口吧讓我再吃一口

  • (audience laughing)

    (觀眾笑)

  • I like that he shakes his head here before he has a third.

    我喜歡他在這裡搖頭,在他有第三個。

  • That's his third dog treat!

    這是他的第三份狗糧!

  • His coat is going to look amazing.

    他的大衣一定會很好看

  • (audience laughing)

    (觀眾笑)

  • (energetic music)

    (活力音樂)

  • When I discovered this website called Momentary Ink,

    當我發現了這個叫矩墨的網站。

  • that makes extremely realistic, custom, temporary tattoos,

    這使得極其逼真的,定製的,臨時紋身。

  • I decided to toughen up the dorks on my staff

    我決定讓我的員工中的呆子們變得更強硬一些

  • with some sick neck tats.

    與一些生病的脖子紋身。

  • (energetic music)

    (活力音樂)

  • All right, Eddie,

    好吧,埃迪。

  • since you like the most boring ass basketball team,

    因為你喜歡最無聊的屁股籃球隊。

  • I got you the most boring ass tattoo.

    我給你紋了一個最無聊的屁股紋身。

  • Pretty bad ass. Swish.

    很壞的屁股。唰。

  • Tim Duncan bank shot.

    蒂姆-鄧肯銀行投籃。

  • (energetic music)

    (活力音樂)

  • It's hard to embarrass a man who already

    這很難讓一個男人難堪,他已經...

  • has a cassette tape permanently tattooed

    身上紋了一盒錄音帶。

  • to their arm and goes to Coachella every single year,

    到他們的手臂,每年都會去科切拉音樂節。

  • but I think this did the trick.

    但我認為這是做的伎倆。

  • What we went with is a neck tat of the lyrics

    我們用的是歌詞的頸部刺青。

  • of Smash Mouth's hit from the movie "Shrek," "All Star."

    的Smash Mouth的命中 從電影 "史萊克","全明星"。

  • Hey now, you're an all star

    嘿,現在,你是一個全明星

  • Get your game on, go hey

    讓你的遊戲,去嘿

  • You two rednecks went to the University of Alabama

    你們兩個鄉巴佬去了阿拉巴馬大學。

  • so I'm sure you're gonna appreciate these Auburn tattoos.

    所以我相信你會喜歡這些奧本的紋身。

  • Get a good shot of those for your stupid message boards

    為你的愚蠢的留言板拍張好照片吧

  • ya cousin fucking hillbillies.

    你的表弟他媽的鄉巴佬。

  • War Eagle!

    戰鷹!

  • - War Eagle! - War Eagle!

    - 戰鷹!- 戰鷹!

  • (employee screeching)

    (僱員尖叫)

  • - You still feeling the burn, Charlie?

    - 你還感覺到燒傷了嗎,查理?

  • Good luck explaining that to your liberal Hollywood friends.

    祝你向你的自由派好萊塢朋友解釋。

  • All right, now it's my turn.

    好了,現在輪到我了。

  • Remember, I love the dolphins, surfing,

    記住,我喜歡海豚,衝浪。

  • and chocolate chip cookies.

    和巧克力餅乾。

  • Please be respectful.

    請尊重。

  • A dick choker, dick and pubes, and tribal dick on my head?

    屌絲帽,屌絲和陰毛,還有我頭上的部落屌絲?

  • I love it. I love it!

    我愛它,我愛它!我愛它!

  • "Tosh.0" till we fucking die.

    "Tosh.0",直到我們他媽的死。

  • Nothing that a lotta gasoline and steel wool

    沒有什麼是大量的汽油和鋼毛的。

  • couldn't scrub off.

    擦不掉的。

  • (audience laughing)

    (觀眾笑)

  • (energetic music)

    (活力音樂)

  • (audience laughing)

    (觀眾笑)

  • I prefer traditional porn, but in a pinch,

    我更喜歡傳統的色情片,但在緊要關頭。

  • sorority recruitment videos will do.

    聯誼會招聘視頻就可以了。

  • Sororities all across the country are making these

    全國各地的聯誼會都在做這些事情。

  • because like any business they have to

    因為就像其他行業一樣,他們必須

  • trick new customers into wasting money.

    騙取新客戶的錢財,讓他們白白浪費。

  • And what is higher education without blowing glitter?

    而不吹毛求疵的高等教育是什麼?

  • Laughing in slow motion?

    慢動作的笑聲?

  • And jumping in slow motion.

    而且是慢動作的跳躍。

  • But what happens when sorority life ends?

    但聯誼會生活結束後會怎樣呢?

  • I want those barely legal smoking hot chicks

    我要那些合法的煙辣妹子

  • to know they'll always have a home here at "Tosh.0."

    知道他們在 "Tosh. 0 "永遠有一個家。

  • So while you're waiting to get snatched up

    所以當你等著被人搶走的時候。

  • by a wealthy husband,

    由一個富有的丈夫。

  • why not move to L.A. and work for me?

    為什麼不搬到洛杉磯為我工作?

  • (energetic music)

    (活力音樂)

  • (audience laughing)

    (觀眾笑)

  • (audience laughing)

    (觀眾笑)

  • Whoa, I feel so free

    # Whoa, I feel so free #

  • Whoa, let's do this again and again

    哇,讓我們做這個一次又一次的

  • Whoa, it'll never be over

    # Whoa, it'll never be over #

  • Whoa, let's make sure it will never end

    # Whoa, let's make sure it will never end #

  • Feel so free

    感覺如此自由

  • Whoa, we're living life to no end

    # Whoa, we're living life to no end #

  • No end, no end, no end, ♪

    沒有結束,沒有結束,沒有結束,?

  • No end

    ? 沒有結束?

  • Uh, uh, no, nah, nah, say it never ends

    呃,呃,不,不,不,不,說它永遠不會結束

  • Uh, no, say it never ends

    呃,不,說它永遠不會結束

  • Whoa, I feel so free

    # Whoa, I feel so free #

  • Whoa, let's make sure it will never end

    # Whoa, let's make sure it will never end #

  • Whoa, feel so free

    # Whoa, feel so free #

  • Whoa, promise we can do this again

    哇,保證我們可以再次做到這一點,

  • And never say it's over

    永遠不要說它的結束

  • Whoa, we're living life to no end

    # Whoa, we're living life to no end #

  • (energetic music)

    (活力音樂)

  • (gentle music)

    (溫柔的音樂)

  • (audience laughing)

    (觀眾笑)

  • (dog yelping)

    (狗叫聲)

  • (tape ripping)

    (錄音帶翻錄)

  • Allie, I'm out of tape! I need more tape!

    艾莉,我沒帶子了!我需要更多的錄音帶!

  • (man thudding)

    (男人砰砰)

  • HR said I couldn't use staples.

    HR說我不能用訂書機。

  • (audience laughing)

    (觀眾笑)

  • (energetic music)

    (活力音樂)

  • Fidget spinners. I think we can all agree.

    擺弄旋轉器。我想我們都同意。

  • There's absolutely nothing annoying about them

    他們絕對沒有什麼煩人的地方。

  • and they will definitely stand the test of time.

    而且它們一定會經得起時間的考驗。

  • I don't know why schools and workplaces are banning them.

    我不知道為什麼學校和工作場所要禁止它們。

  • They are scientifically proven to increase productivity.

    科學證明,它們能提高生產力。

  • In fact, I've started teaching

    事實上,我已經開始教

  • a fidget spin class at my office.

    在我的辦公室上了一節旋轉課

  • Find your fucking fidget.

    找到你他媽的坐立不安。

  • One, two, one, two, spin.

    一,二,一,二,旋轉。

  • Tilt it left. Tilt it right.

    向左傾斜。向右傾斜。

  • I know you feel like you're gonna die,

    我知道你覺得自己快死了。

  • but don't you also feel like you're gonna live?

    但你不也覺得自己會活下去嗎?

  • Double time. Double spin.

    雙倍的時間。雙重旋轉。

  • (energetic music)

    (活力音樂)

  • Reverse spin.

    反向旋轉。

  • Sign up for my class.

    報名參加我的班級。

  • It fills up early because I play great music

    因為我演奏的音樂很好,所以很早就滿座了

  • and boy, do we sweat?

    而男孩,我們出汗?

  • (audience laughing)

    (觀眾笑)

  • (energetic music)

    (活力音樂)

  • There's finally a website I can wrap my stupid head around.

    終於有一個網站,我可以把我那愚蠢的腦袋繞進去。

  • It's called somethingstore.com and here's how it works.

    它叫somethingstore.com,下面是它的工作原理。

  • You send them $10 and they send you something.

    你給他們10塊錢,他們就給你寄東西。

  • (audience laughing)

    (觀眾笑)

  • So, naturally, I sent 'em 200 bucks.

    所以,自然,我給他們寄了200塊錢。

  • According to my calculations, that's around 2 million,

    根據我的計算,大約是200萬。

  • I don't know, I'm not good at math.

    我不知道,我數學不好。

  • I have no idea what's in any of these.

    我不知道這些東西里面有什麼。

  • (boxes thudding)

    (箱子砰砰地響)

  • (plastic ripping)

    (塑膠撕裂)

  • Look at this! I got a multi-tool.

    看看這個!我有一個多功能工具。

  • What do you got over there?

    你那裡有什麼?

  • - I got a hookah.

    - 我有一個妓女。

  • - Look at that hat!

    - 看那帽子!

  • - [Employee] Oh, that's amazing!

    - 哦,太不可思議了!

  • - That's perfect for you.

    - 這對你來說是完美的。

  • - Oh, look at this.

    - 哦,看這個。

  • (everyone laughs)

    (大家笑)

  • - It's another (beep) wallet?

    - 這又是一個(嗶)錢包?

  • (everyone clapping)

    (大家鼓掌)

  • - (laughs) That guy's got two wallets.

    - (笑)這傢伙有兩個錢包。

  • - I got a Kindle, you guys.

    - 我有一個Kindle,你們。

  • - [Employee] No you didn't.

    - [員工]不,你沒有。

  • - Yeah, I did.

    - 是的,我有。

  • - What the (beep)?

    - 什麼(嗶嗶聲)?

  • - It's the best one. I got the best one!

    - 這是最好的一個。我得到了最好的一個!

  • - This is bull (beep).

    - 這是牛(嗶)。

  • - (Daniel) This guy definitely stole (beep).

    - (丹尼爾)這傢伙肯定偷了(嗶)。

  • (everyone laughing)

    (大家笑)

  • That guy will either be a billionaire

    這傢伙要麼是個億萬富翁

  • or in jail by tomorrow morning.

    或者在明天早上之前進監獄。

  • (audience laughing)

    (觀眾笑)

  • Finally, my Jewish viewers will get to know

    最後,我的猶太觀眾將認識到:

  • what Christmas really feels like.

    聖誕節的真正感覺。

  • Excitement. Then disappointment, followed by jealousy.

    興奮。然後是失望,接著是嫉妒。

  • (audience laughing)

    (觀眾笑)

  • (energetic music)

    (活力音樂)

- We're never gonna use that on the show.

- 我們永遠不會在節目中使用它。

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