And then I've also had his balls removed.

然後我還把他的蛋蛋給摘了。

- Reggie. - Oh, shame, shame.

- 雷吉- 哦，恥辱，恥辱。

Give me back my balls. You can't have them.

把我的球還給我你不能擁有它們。

I took them away. But I have a full vagina.

我把它們拿走了。但我有一個完整的陰道。

(monumental music)

譜

Hell, today we're going to talk about the invention

該死的，今天我們要談的是發明。

of Coca-Cola, America's favorite soft drink.

美國人最喜歡的軟飲料--可口可樂的。

So like in the 1800's, John Pemberton was trying

所以就像19世紀，John Pemberton試圖

to make patent medicines.

來製造專利藥。

Basically they were fake medicines

基本上都是假藥

and most of them were just like herbal hoozy-what's,

而他們中的大多數人就像草藥呼--什麼。

who even cares.

誰也不在乎。

He was just trying to make anything that would sell.

他只是想做任何能賣的東西。

He was like I want to make a fake medicine

他說我要做一個假藥

that made women think that they'll never be nervous

讓女人以為自己永遠不會緊張了

or have farts

或放屁

and make men think that they can be smarter.

並讓男人認為自己可以更聰明。

So he decided to use a new ingredient, coca.

於是他決定使用一種新的原料--古柯。

Coca is from a plant.

古柯是來自植物。

Th South Americans would chew it and be like,

南美人會咀嚼它，並像。

"We have so much energy and we aren't even hungry!

"我們精力充沛，都不餓!

We hiked the whole Andes."

我們徒步走遍了整個安第斯山脈。"

But really they were just on cocaine.

但其實他們只是在吸食可卡因。

John Pemberton was like,

John Pemberton就像。

"Oh, I should put this into my new potion that I'm making."

"哦，我應該把這個放進我新做的藥水裡。"

And basically he copied someone else's recipe

他基本上是抄襲了別人的配方

called like vine mariani.

叫做像藤蔓瑪麗亞尼。

He was like, "Well I have wine,

他說："好吧，我有酒。

I put coca in there, a little of this kola in."

我在裡面放了古柯，放了一點這個考拉。"

The kola nut released a little bit of caffeine.

可拉果釋放了一點咖啡因。

And he, he basically was like,

而他，他基本上是喜歡。

"What I give you is a wine with cocaine and caffeine."

"我給你的是一種含有可卡因和咖啡因的酒。"

Then people in Atlanta were like,

然後亞特蘭大的人們就像。

"No, nobody can have, sell alcohol because of temperance."

"不，任何人都不能因為節制而有，賣酒。"

He was like, "Okay, well fine,

他就說："好吧，好吧。

I'll just make a temperance beverage."

我就做個節制飲料。"

He went back into his laboratory

他回到了他的實驗室

and he decided to just put the coca and the cola together.

他決定只是把古柯和可樂放在一起。

But they were super bitter without the wine,

但是沒有酒的時候，他們超級苦。

so he added a ton of sugar

所以他加了很多糖

and then he made it into like a drink.

然後他把它做成了像飲料一樣的東西。

You know, he thought, oh, well people will love this.

你知道，他想，哦，人們會喜歡這個。

It wasn't like he was like, I made a soda,

這不是像他一樣，我做了一個蘇打水。

cause nobody even had that yet.

因為沒有人甚至有，還。

He had a friend named Frank Robinson

他有個朋友叫弗蘭克-羅賓遜

who was like, "Okay, well I'll help you to sell

誰是這樣的，"好吧，我會幫你銷售

your medicine-soda-drink-thingy.

你的醫藥蘇打水飲料thingy。

First of all, you should change the 'k' in the kola

首先，你應該把 "kola "中的 "k "改掉。

to a 'c', and, and, just call it what it is, Coca-Cola,

到一個'c'，而且，就叫它什麼，可口可樂。

and the two c's will look really nice next to each other.

而兩個C的旁邊會顯得非常漂亮。

And who wouldn't love that?"

誰會不喜歡呢？"

So they would just advertise Coca-Cola as a medicine

所以他們就會宣傳可口可樂是一種藥品

for your brain.

為你的大腦。

They would say, "It's invigorating, and stimulating,

他們會說："這很有活力，很刺激。

and healthy for your nervous system

和健康的神經系統

using the exotic extract of the coca and kola nut

使用古柯和考拉果的異國情調的提取物。

to make you super alive and ready to face your day."

讓你超級有活力，準備好面對你的一天。"

The first year, he only sold 25 gallons.

第一年，他只賣了25加侖。

- [Derek] 25,000 or 25 gallons?

- 25,000還是25加侖？

- [Jenny] 25 gallons- - [Derek] Okay.

- [珍妮]25加侖--[德里克]好的。

- In the year.

- 在這一年裡。

He gave it to pharmacies.

他把它給了藥店。

They had like soda fountains and fun things.

他們有像蘇打噴泉和有趣的東西。

And people did like it a lot.

而大家也確實很喜歡。

"Oh, this is a great drink."

"哦，這酒真好喝。"

They thought that it made them, like, invigorated

他們認為，它使他們一樣，振奮人心

and aware.

並意識到。

People are basically little cocaine soda.

人基本上都是小可卡因蘇打。

"Me, me, me, me, me, me, me. I need more."

"我，我，我，我，我，我，我，我。我需要更多。"

I wish I was alive then to drink the coke, coke, Coca-Cola.

真希望那時我還活著，能喝到可樂，可樂，可口可樂。

(soft music)

（輕音樂）

God, I missed so much from not being in the olden times.

天啊，不在舊時代，我好懷念。

(soft music)

（輕音樂）

The next year he sold 200 gallons a month.

第二年，他每月賣出200加侖。

"That's so much more!"

"那可就多了！"

"Twelve months."

"十二個月。"

(dog barking)

（狗叫聲）

Reggie, stop it!

雷吉，別這樣！

Twelve- (dog barking)

十二-（狗叫）

Reggie, God dammit! Hold on.

雷吉，該死的！等一下

Okay, I got him.

好吧，我得到了他。

"Twelve months out of the year

"一年中有12個月

we sold 2,000 gallons a month."

我們一個月賣了2000加侖。"

"No! Yes?"

"不是！是嗎？"

God dammit.

該死的。

He's on his death bed dying of stomach cancer.

他在病床上死於胃癌。

And he's like, "Out of all of the patent medicines

他說，"在所有的專利藥中

that I've tried to make,

的，我已經試過了。

I've finally made a successful patent medicine."

我終於把專利藥做成功了。"

But what he never knew was that he actually made

但他永遠不知道的是，他居然做出了。

the most successful drink that humans will ever drink, ever.

最成功的飲料，人類將永遠喝，永遠。

"God, he was so successful and he doesn't know.

"天啊，他這麼成功，卻不知道。

And he'll never know, ever!"

而他永遠不會知道，永遠不會！"

They still use coca leaves in modern-day Coca-Cola,

他們在現代的可口可樂中仍然使用古柯葉。

so do the math on that one.

所以，做數學上的那一個。

Even if they don't have cocaine in them,

即使他們沒有可卡因在其中。

they still use the leaves and they took the cocaine out

他們仍然使用葉子 他們把可卡因拿出來了

and putting it somewhere else.

並把它放在別的地方。

(sound echoing)

（聲音迴盪）

- So how would you describe a s*** show?

- 那麼，你會如何形容一場***秀呢？

- I s*** my pants in the rug section of Ikea.

- 我在宜家的地毯區尿了一褲子。

So I had to like go through the other parts of Ikea

所以，我不得不像去 通過宜家的其他部分。

with s*** in my pants, but I also was like concerned

在我的褲子裡的***，但我也像關心

about buying things for my home, so I still did.

關於給家裡買東西，所以我還是買了。

I went to the bathroom, total pro,

我去了趟衛生間，總的來說親。

like cleaned my butt.

像清理我的屁股。

And the second I got back in line,

而我一回到隊伍裡。

like with other people, I was like,

像與其他人一樣，我很喜歡，

"I s*** my pants!"

"I s***我的褲子！"

I had the flu and I sneezed.

我感冒了，我打了個噴嚏。

S*** show.

S***秀。

Hi.

嗨，我的天

Oh boy, I love to be happy. Why else am I here?

哦，孩子，我喜歡快樂。不然我為什麼會在這裡？

I'm Jenny Slate and today we are going to talk

我是珍妮-斯萊特，今天我們要談的是：

about the Cherry Sisters,

關於櫻桃姐妹。

the worst act on Vaudeville, ever, ever,

最糟糕的行為 在雜耍，永遠，永遠。

the very worst.

最差的。

Our story begins in the 1890s.

我們的故事開始於19世紀90年代。

The Cherry sisters were living on a farm in Iowa

櫻桃姐妹住在愛荷華州的一個農場裡。

that had been left to them.

遺留給他們的。

Their names were Ella, Elizabeth,

他們的名字叫艾拉、伊麗莎白。

Effie, Addie, and Jessie.

艾菲，艾迪，還有傑西。

They had a brother, Nathan.

他們有一個兄弟，內森。

And he just peaced out, he was like,

而他只是peaced出來，他就像。

"Actually, definitely not.

"其實，絕對不是。

I'm not like even doing this."

我都不喜歡做這個。"

And all the sisters were like, "Boo! What the hell?"

所有的姐妹們都說："噓！搞什麼鬼？"

Or heck, actually, cause they were very prim.

或者說，其實，因為他們很驍勇。

They were like, "Our farm's gonna fail.

他們就像，"我們的農場會失敗。

We truly don't get how to do this

我們真的不知道該怎麼做。

and we don't have enough money to operate the farm.

而我們沒有足夠的錢來經營農場。

Let's just try to get money from that, by, for that,

我們就想從那上面弄錢，由，為那。

am I right?"

我說的對嗎？"

And they were all like, "Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

他們都喜歡，"是啊，是啊，是啊，是啊，是啊，是啊。

Right? Let's put on a show."

對不對？我們來表演一下吧。"

So they like rented out a theater.

所以他們就像租了一個劇院。

These sisters were just like,

這對姐妹就像。

"We're putting on a play.

"我們在演一齣戲。

The play is going to consist of a lot of segments

這部劇要由很多段子組成。

that are boring and also will make you feel nervous

枯燥無味的，也會讓你感到緊張。

about what you're doing in your life."

關於你生活中的事情。"

So it would be like there was a young lady

所以這就像有一個年輕的女士一樣

just like free in the world, how dangerous.

就像世界上的自由，多麼危險。

And then a Don Juan comes out and he's like,

然後一個唐璜出來了，他就像。

"I want you for sex!" You know?

"我想和你做愛！"你知道嗎？

And then a gypsy woman would come out and she'd be like,

然後一個吉普賽女人會出來，她會像。

"Don't do it! Don't cause he's gonna take your morality!"

"不要這樣做！不要因為他要奪走你的道德！"

And like, that was like the whole thing.

而像，這就像整個事情。

And it was like baffling to everyone, they were like,

而這就像讓大家莫名其妙，他們就像。

"I can't believe these ladies showed up,

"想不到這些女士竟然出現了。

and like even are here, and like did this."

和喜歡甚至是在這裡，和喜歡做這個。"

After they were done they were so shocked,

完事後，他們非常震驚。

because they were like,

因為他們就像。

"This is an ass-load of money."

"這可是一大筆錢啊。"

They made $250.

他們賺了250美元。

So the Cherry sisters, they were like,

所以櫻桃姐妹，她們就像。

"We should take this on the road,"

"我們應該帶著這個上路"。

even though it was really, really, really bad.

即使它是真的，真的，真的很糟糕。

So they went on the road all across Iowa.

於是，他們在路上走遍了整個愛荷華州。

They did a show in Cedar Rapids.

他們在錫達拉皮茲做了一場演出。

One of their songs was called Corn Juice.

他們的一首歌叫《玉米汁》。

♪ Corn juice let me tell you about it ♪

玉米汁讓我告訴你吧

It's just like,

這就像。

"What are you talking about?

"你在說什麼？

You definitely can't make juice out of corn.

你絕對不能用玉米做果汁。

Like, I've had it." - [Derek] Yeah.

就像，我已經有了它。"- [德里克]是啊。

- "There's no juice in there."

- "裡面沒有果汁。"

"Five, six, seven, eight."

"五、六、七、八。"

♪ If you're lost and you're corn I will find juice ♪

如果你迷路了，你是玉米，我會找到果汁

♪ Corn after juice ♪

玉米後汁

Beautiful.

美極了

Everyone's like, "You suck!"

每個人都說："你真爛！"

So the next day, the newspaper was like,

所以第二天，報社就像。

"This is a bad show.

"這是個糟糕的節目。

These ladies truly don't know what's up.

這些女人真的不知道是怎麼回事。

You probably shouldn't see this show unless you want

你可能不應該看這個節目，除非你想看。

to see it because it's so very bad

因為它是如此的糟糕。

that it's like kind of confusing all of us."

這就像一種困惑我們所有的人。"

And they marched right down to the Cedar Rapid Gazette,

他們向《錫達拉皮德公報》進軍。

and they were like, "How dare you say this?"

他們很喜歡，"你怎麼敢說這個？"

And the Cedar Rapid Gazette was like,

而《錫達拉皮德報》就像。

"You're like, incredulous?

"你是說，難以置信？

You can't, like, understand why we said this?"

你就不能，明白我們為什麼這麼說嗎？"

And they're like,

他們就像。

"You know what? We're gonna sue you for libel."

"你知道嗎？ 我們要告你誹謗。我們要告你誹謗。"

And the newspapers was like,

而報紙就像。

"That's actually hilarious.

"這其實很搞笑。

But if you want to sue us, you're gonna have to sue us

但如果你想告我們，你就得告我們。

during your show."

在你的節目中。"

And so they did.

他們就這樣做了。

They got a real judge to sit there being like,

他們得到了一個真正的法官坐在那裡是這樣的，

"Oh, like, order, order.

"哦，喜歡，命令，命令。

I'll be the judge of how bad they are!

我來判斷他們有多壞!

Plus newspaper, are you telling the truth?"

加報紙，你說的是真的嗎？"

And at the end the editor of the newspaper was found guilty

最後報社的編輯被認定為有罪

and sentenced to marry one of the five sisters.

並被判處與五姐妹中的一個結婚。

- [Derek] F*** off.

- [德里克] 滾開。

- Yeah.

- 是啊。

It's so sad.

太悲哀了

So after this, they toured all the time.

所以在這之後，他們一直在巡演。

It was kind of the first, like,

這是種第一，喜歡。

it's so bad it's good situation.

它是如此糟糕，這是良好的局面。

Groups of people were like,

一群人都像。

"The Cherry Sisters are coming to town.

"櫻桃姐妹 "要來鎮上了。

Let's get together all the people that we know and like,

讓我們把所有認識和喜歡的人聚在一起。

buy a s*** load of vegetables, and find a lot of cans

買了一大堆蔬菜，發現有很多罐頭。

so that we can throw them at them."

好讓我們把它們扔給他們。"

And this was a sketch that they did,

而這是他們畫的一幅草圖。

they sat in a bathtub and they were like,

他們坐在浴缸裡，他們就像，

"Don't get horny. Be careful cause this is like arms.

"不要飢渴。小心點，因為這就像武器。

But you have to be careful cause if you show your forearms

但你要小心，因為如果你露出前臂的話

to someone their penis could go inside of you."

對某人來說，他們的陰莖可以進入你的體內。"

- And you'd die if they did.

- 如果他們這樣做，你會死的。

- And then you'll die of being cool.

- 然後你就會因為酷而死。

People would be like, "You suck!"

人們會說，"你真爛！"

So after the sisters had really been on the scene

所以在姐妹們真正出場後

for a while just stinking it up consistently,

有一段時間只是一直在搞臭它。

this man named Oscar Hammerstein, he had a theater,

這個人叫奧斯卡-漢默斯坦， 他有一個劇院。

and he was like, "Well, I've tried all the best s*** there,

他說："好吧，我已經試過所有最好的東西了。

maybe I'll try the worst."

也許我會嘗試最壞的情況。"

So he got in touch with the Cherry sisters,

於是他聯繫上了櫻桃姐妹。

and he's like, "Listen, we'll bring you to New York.

他的樣子，"聽著，我們會帶你到紐約。

You can do whatever you want. We'll pay you $100 a week."

你可以做任何你想做的事。我們每週會給你100美元。"

Four of them were like, "Yep, yep, okay, yes."

四個人都說："是的，是的，好的，是的。"

And then like the fifth one was like, "No."

然後像第五個一樣，"不"。

She stayed there like, whatever, brushing the pigs,

她呆在那裡像，什麼，刷豬。

or whatever you do on a farm.

或者你在農場做的任何事情。

And they went to New York and everyone was like,

他們去了紐約，每個人都很喜歡。

"You're the worst! You're horrible! What a weird thing!"

"你是最壞的!你太可怕了!真是怪事！"

And they sold out, ten weeks, sold out show.

而且他們賣光了，十個星期，賣光了演出。

And they made a lot of money.

而且他們賺了很多錢。

And then, you know, they went home

然後，你知道，他們回家了

and then they died in obscurity.

然後他們在默默無聞中死去。

But that's what we think, that not what they thought.

但那是我們的想法，不是他們的想法。

And honestly, what they thought is kind of all that matters.

說實話，他們的想法也算是最重要的了。

Don't you think? (bell ringing)

你不覺得嗎？（鐘聲響起）

- Aw, that was nice!

- 哦，這是很好的！

- Thanks, Derek. - That was really nice.

- 謝謝，德里克。- 這真的很好。

- Well, I'm am American woman and I love corn juice.

- 好吧，我是一個美國女人，我喜歡玉米汁。

(sound echoing)

（聲音迴盪）

Let's talk about outer space.