WELCOME BACK TO "A LATE SHOW."

歡迎回到 "深夜秀"。

YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS.

你知道現在是什麼時間。

IT'S TIME TO SAY HELLO TO MR. JON BATISTE.

是時候向JON BATISTE先生問好了。JON BATISTE。

JON, WHEN WE WERE IN THE COMMERCIAL BREAK HERE BEFORE WE

瓊，當我們在商業休息這裡之前，我們。

CAME TO YOU, DID I SEE THIS CORRECTLY, DO YOU HAVE A

來找你的，我沒看錯吧，你有嗎？

BASKETBALL RIGHT THERE BETWEEN YOUR FEET?

籃球就在你腳下？

>> Jon: YEAH, YEAH.

>> 喬恩。YEAH，YEAH。

>> Stephen: JUST OUT OF SHOT.

>> 只是出手。

>> Jon: YUP, YUP.

>> 喬恩。YUP，YUP。

>> Stephen: YOU JUST-- YOU JUST KEEPING SHARP?

>> 你只是... 你只是保持鋒利？

WHAT'S THE-- THE BALL IS THERE WITH THE PIANO?

什麼是... ... 球和鋼琴一起在那裡？

THAT SEEMS DANGEROUS.

這看起來很危險。

>> Jon: YEAH, YOU KNOW, I STILL HAVE HOOP DREAMS.

>> 喬恩。是的，你知道，我仍然有箍的夢想。

I THINK I CAN MAKE IT.

我想我可以做到這一點。

I THINK I GOT IT.

我想我得到了它。

I'M GOING TO GO AND I'M GOING TO HAVE A SECOND PART TO MY CAREER.

我要走了，我要有一個第二部分 我的職業生涯。

I'M GOING TO BE IN THE N.B.A.

我要去N. B. A.

>> Stephen: YOU-- >> Jon: I'M GOING FOR IT.

>> 你-->> 喬恩。我要去做。

>> Stephen: YOU WILL BE TO BASKETBALL WHAT MICHAEL JORDAN

>> 史蒂芬：你會成為籃球的什麼邁克爾-喬丹。

WAS TO BASEBALL.

是對棒球。

I BELIEVE IN YOU.

我相信你。

( LAUGHTER ) >> Jon: WELL, YOU KNOW, HE

（笑） >> 喬恩：好了，你知道，他

WORKED REALLY HARD.

工作非常辛苦。

>> Stephen: HE DID.

>> 史蒂芬：他做到了。

>> Jon: HE WORKED REALLY HARD.

>> 喬恩。他真的很努力。

>> Stephen: HE DID, HE DID.

>> 史蒂芬：他做到了，他做到了。

JON, WHAT'S ON-- WHAT'S ON-- WHAT'S ON THE MIND OF YOUR

喬恩，你的... 你的... 你的.... 你的...

FINGERS RIGHT NOW.

手指現在。

>> Jon: LET'S SEE.

>> 喬恩。讓我們看看。

♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: THANK YOU, JON.

謝謝你，喬恩。

( LAUGHS ).

（笑）：

>> Jon: HAVE A GOOD ONE.

>> 喬恩。有一個好的。

>> Stephen: YOU, TOO.

>> 你，也是。

FOLKS, YOU KNOW, EVERY NIGHT I COME OUT HERE, TOAST SOME

夥計們，你們知道嗎，每天晚上我都會在這裡烤一些...

TOPICAL, ORGANIC ARBORIO RICE IN MY SATIRICAL SAUCEPAN, MELT IN

主題，有機ARBORIO米飯在我的星空鍋裡，融化在裡面。

SOME FINE BORDIER BUTTER, PARMESAN CHEESE, AND FRESH,

一些上好的波帝亞黃油，巴馬乾酪，和新鮮的。

HAND-PICKED PARSLEY OF INSIGHT, AND LOVINGLY WHIP IT UP INTO THE

精挑細選的PARSLEY洞察力，並愛不釋手地把它抹進了《中國製造》。

VELVETY, JAMES BEARD AWARD-WORTHY RISOTTO THAT IS MY

VELVETY, JAMES BEARD-WARDS-WORDY RISOTTO THAT IS MY...

MONOLOGUE.

獨白：

BUT NOW AND THEN, I JUST SCRAPE THE LEFTOVER RICE OUT OF A

但時不時地，我只是把剩飯從一個盒子裡切出來。

CARDBOARD CHINESE TAKE-OUT CONTAINER, STUFF IT IN A STALE

紙牌中式外賣盒，裝在一個陳舊的盒子裡。

TORTILLA WITH SOME CLICKBAIT BEANS, AND ROLL IT UP INTO THE

玉米餅與一些CLICKBAIT豆，並把它滾到的。

SEMI-RELEVANT HANGOVER BURRITO OF NEWS WE CALL:

SEMI-RELEVANT HANGOVER BURRITO OF NEWS WE CALL。

>> "QUARANTINEWHILE!" >> Stephen: QUARANTINE-WHILE,

>> "QUARANTINEWHILE！">> Stephen:QUARANTINE -WHILE,

DUE TO GREATLY REDUCED FLIGHTS AND SUSPENDING ALCOHOL SERVICE

由於班機大幅減少和暫停酒類服務。

DURING COVID, "AMERICAN AIRLINES HAS SO MUCH EXTRA WINE THAT IT

在科維德期間，"美國飛機上有這麼多額外的葡萄酒，以至於它

IS STARTING A DELIVERY SERVICE."

是開始送貨服務。"

"SO MUCH EXTRA WINE," HUH?

"這麼多額外的酒"，是吧？

AND YET, FOR SOME REASON, I CAN'T GET A SEVENTH GLASS ON MY

然而，出於某種原因，我不能得到一個第七個玻璃在我的。

REDEYE TO SAN DIEGO, EVEN THOUGH I STILL HAVE AT LEAST FIVE MORE

REDEYE到聖地亞哥，儘管我還有五個以上的時間。

VERSES OF "AMERICAN PIE" LEFT TO SING.

"美國派 "的詩句還沒唱完。

IF YOU'VE GOT A HANKERING FOR SOME PLANE WINE, YOU CAN GRAB A

如果你對飛機酒有興趣，你可以去買一瓶。

MONTHLY SUBSCRIPTION PLAN THAT COSTS $99 PER MONTH.

每月訂閱計劃，費用為每月99美元。

AND I'M SURE THAT IS SOME TOP-NOTCH VINO.

我敢肯定，這是一些一流的VINO。

"MMM, MMMM, I'M GETTING NOTES OF ARMREST FOOT, NEGLECTED BABY

"MMM，MMM，我得到的筆記 ARMREST腳，NEGLECTED寶貝，

WITH A SOUPCON OF POORLY PRESSURIZED CABIN."

有了蘇普康的低壓艙。"

MY EARS ARE POPPING.

我的耳朵都快爆了。

MY EARS ARE POPPING.■ç QUARANTINE-WHILE, A TORONTO

我的耳朵都快爆了.■ç QUARANTINE-WHILE, A TORONTO.

WOMAN WON A $60 MILLION LOTTERY AFTER SHE GOT THE WINNING

女子中了6000萬美元的彩票後，她中獎了。

NUMBERS FROM HER HUSBAND'S DREAM.

她丈夫夢想中的數字。

THOSE WINNING NUMBERS?

那些獲勝的數字？

4, 11, 13, 52, AND "I'M IN A BUMPER CAR WITH MY GYM TEACHER,

4，11，13，52，以及 "我和我的體育老師在一輛增壓車裡。

ONLY IT'S NOT MY GYM TEACHER.

只是它不是我的體育老師。

BUT, LIKE, IT IS MY GYM TEACHER?

但是，喜歡，這是我的體育老師？

AND THEN A RACCOON WAS CHASING ME, AND THEN I WOKE UP."

然後一隻浣熊在追我，然後我就醒了。"

QUARANTINE-WHILE, "CHINESE SCIENTISTS MAY HAVE THE KEY TO

夸父--雖然，"中國科學家可能有鑰匙，以獲得

DELAYING AGEING."

延緩衰老。"

IS IT MINT CHIP ICE CREAM?

是薄荷薯片冰淇淋嗎？

PLEASE SAY IT'S MINT CHIP ICE CREAM, BECAUSE I'VE PUT A LOT OF

請說這是薄荷薯片冰淇淋，因為我投入了大量的時間和精力

RESEARCH INTO MINT CHIP ICE■ç CREAM, LATELY.

研究MINT CHIP ICE■ç CREAM，最近。

APPARENTLY, THEY DID IT THROUGH GENE MANIPULATION.

顯然，他們是通過基因控制來實現的。

THE SCIENTISTS "INACTIVATED THE KAT-7 GENE IN THE LIVERS OF

科學家們 "激活了KAT-7基因的生命。

MICE," AND THAT "EXTENDED THEIR LIFESPAN FOR ABOUT 25%."

"老鼠"，"延長了他們的壽命約25％。"

"THE MICE SHOW OVERALL IMPROVED APPEARANCE AND GRIP STRENGTH."

"老鼠的外觀和抓地力都得到了全面提升"

GRIP STRENGTH?!

GRIP STRENGTH?

THAT'S WHAT WE NEED: IMMORTAL MICE WHO CAN STRANGLE US!

這就是我們需要的。能掐死我們的不死老鼠！

QUARANTINE-WHILE, COCAINE-STUFFED SHIPMENTS OF

填充了可卡因的定量貨物

BANANAS ENDED UP AT CANADIAN GROCERY STORES DUE TO A DRUG

加拿大雜貨店因藥品而出現了巴拿斯。

TRAFFICKING MIX-UP.

販運混雜。

HA-HA!

哈哈！

IT'S FUNNY, BECAUSE SOMEONE IS DEFINITELY GOING TO GET

這很有趣，因為有人肯定會得到。

MURDERED.

謀殺。

"YOU SEE, BOSS, KIND OF A FUNNY STORY.

"你看，BOSS，挺好玩的故事。

WHAT HAPPENED WAS-- AND YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THIS-- YOUR COCAINE

發生了什麼... ... 你會喜歡這個...

IS NOW IN THE FRUIT AISLE AT THE KROGER.

現在是在水果貨架在KROGER。

AND I KNOW YOU'RE OUT, LIKE, 30 MIL, BUT YOU GOTTA ADMIT,

我知道你出了30英里，但你得承認，這是你的錢。

IT'S PRETTY FUNNY-- CAN I MAKE YA A SMOOTHIE-- AAAND I'M

這是非常有趣的... ... 我可以給你做一個冰沙... ...

BEING LOWERED INTO A SHARK TANK."

"被降到鯊魚池裡"

OKAY.

好的。

QUARANTINE-WHILE, TIKTOK'S LATEST VIRAL TREND IS APPARENTLY

QUARANTINE-WHILE，TIKTOK最新的病毒趨勢顯然是。

WOMEN SECRETLY FILMING THEIR PARTNERS REACTING TO SOMETHING

女性祕密拍攝伴侶對某事的反應。

CALLED "BUTT-CRACK" LEGGINGS.

被稱為 "臀部裂縫 "的長襪。

>> ALL RIGHT, GUYS, I GOT THE FAMOUS AMAZON LEGGINGS THAT ARE

>> 好了，夥計們，我得到了著名的亞馬遜緊身褲，是。

GOING AROUND ON TIKTOK, AND I'M GOING TO GET MY HUSBAND'S

在TIKTOK上走來走去，我將得到我丈夫的。

REACTION.

反應：

THEY ARE AS AMAZING AS EVERYBODY SAYS TO MAKE YOUR BUTT LOOK

他們是一個神奇的，因為每個人都說，讓你的臀部看起來。

REALLY NICE.

真的很好。

WHAT?

什麼？

>> WHAT DO YOU MEAN, "WHAT?" ACTING LIKE YOU DON'T KNOW.

>> 你是什麼意思，"什麼？"裝作你不知道的樣子。

>> OH, MY GOD.

>> 哦，我的上帝。

>> LOOK AT THEM.

>> 看看他們。

DANG!

DANG！

WHEN DID YOU GET THOSE PANTS?

你什麼時候得到這些褲子的？

WHAT IN THE HELL IS THAT?

這到底是什麼？

( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: CAN WE PLEASE JUST

（笑） >> 斯蒂芬：我們可以請。

GO BACK TO TIKTOK SEA SHANTIES?

回到TIKTOK SEA SHANTIES？

I MISS-- I MISS THE SEA SHANTIES.

我懷念... 我懷念海螞蟻。

I HAVE THE ASS FOR THAT.

我有那個屁股。

QUARANTINE-WHILE, "COKE WITH COFFEE IS FINALLY HERE,"

QUARANTINE--雖然，"可樂加咖啡終於來了"

PERFECT FOR EVERYONE SAYING, "I WISH MY REFRESHING COLA MADE

最適合那些說 "我希望我的冷凍可樂是自己做的 "的人。

ME MORE JITTERY.

給我更多JITTERY。

YES, SURE, I'VE GOT THE HEART RATE OF A HUMMINGBIRD AND THE

是的，當然，我已經得到了心率 嗡嗡鳥和。

BLOOD PRESSURE OF A PNEUMATIC JACK, BUT I DON'T QUITE FEEL

血液壓力的神經外科插孔，但我不完全感覺到

LIKE I COULD FLIP A MINIVAN."

就像我可以翻轉一輛麵包車。"

COKE WITH COFFEE HAS BEEN "AVAILABLE FOR YEARS

可樂加咖啡已經 "存在了好幾年"。

INTERNATIONALLY," BUT NOT HERE BECAUSE THEY WERE "MAKING SURE

在國際上，"但不是在這裡，因為他們是 "確保"。

THAT THEY HAVE THE RIGHT PACKAGING."

他們有正確的包裝。"

YOU ARE WAY OVER-THINKING THIS, COKE DUDE.

你是太過思考這個問題，可卡因的紈絝子弟。

WE ALLOW OUR CHILDREN TO WALK INTO A 7-ELEVEN, SALLY UP TO ONE

我們允許我們的孩子走進7-ELEVEN，小到一歲。

OF THESE THINGS UNSUPERVISED, AND PULL THEMSELVES 44 OUNCES OF

這些東西的無人監管，並拉自己44盎司的。

SOMETHING CALLED A "QUAKE ENERGY BERRY BLAST SLURPEE," AND YOU

有些東西被稱為 "地震能量漿果爆漿"，而你。

THINK YOU NEED "THE RIGHT PACKAGING" TO SELL

您認為您需要 "正確的包裝 "來銷售嗎？

EXTRA-CAFFEINATED SODA IN AMERICA?

美國的特級咖啡因汽水？

JUST FILL A GARBAGE BAG, AND WE WILL PAY ADMISSION TO PLUNGE OUR

只要裝滿一個垃圾袋，我們就會支付費用，把我們的東西扔進垃圾桶。

STRAWS INTO IT LIKE CROWS PLUNGING THEIR BEAKS INTO A COW

就像烏鴉把自己的乳房插進了牛群裡一樣。

CARCASS.

CARCASS：

NOW GET TO WORK ON HUFFABLE NICOTINE POUND CAKE.

現在就去做易碎的尼古丁磅蛋糕吧。

WE'VE GOT THINGS TO DO.

我們有事情要做。

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH COLIN FIRTH AND STANLEY TUCCI.

我們馬上回來，科林・弗思和斯坦利・杜奇。

I DON'T KNOW WHY I SOUND MAD.

我不知道為什麼我聽起來很瘋狂。

I'M VERY EXCITED THAT THEY'RE HERE.

他們來了，我很興奮。

♪ ♪ ♪

♪ ♪ ♪