Christopher Columbus has never been here.

克里斯托弗-哥倫布從來沒有來過這裡。

I'm the first non-native to come across this land.

我是第一個來到這片土地的非本地人。

And not just that..."

不僅如此......"

(hums)

（哼）

(dramatic orchestral music)

(戲劇性的管絃樂)

- Hello.

- 你好啊

My name's Brendan Walsh.

我叫布倫丹-沃爾什。

And today we're going to be talking about the Santa Bandits.

今天我們要討論的是聖誕老人大盜。

Our story starts in 1927

我們的故事始於1927年

in the days leading up to Christmas.

在聖誕節前的日子裡。

Marshall Ratliff got out of jail and he's like,

馬歇爾-拉特利夫出獄了，他就像。

"I'm out of jail, time to rob another bank.

"我出獄了，該去搶別的銀行了。

But I need help, so I'm gonna get this guy, Ed Helms."

但我需要幫助，所以我要找這個人，艾德・赫爾姆斯。"

- [Derek] Oh, from "The Hangover."

- 哦，"宿醉 "裡的。

- This guy, Henry Helms!

- 這傢伙，亨利-赫爾姆斯！

"I'm gonna get Henry Helms and Robert Hill."

"我要去找亨利-赫爾姆斯和羅伯特-希爾"

And they rope in Helms's brother-in-law, Lewis Davis,

他們還把赫爾姆斯的姐夫劉易斯-戴維斯拉來了。

and Ratliff says, "Help us rob this bank at Cisco.

拉特利夫說："幫我們搶劫思科的這家銀行。

And Ratliff's afraid he's gonna get recognized.

而拉特利夫害怕自己會被人認出來。

He goes, "I want to disguise myself.

他說："我想偽裝自己。

Hey, it's Christmas!"

嘿，今天是聖誕節！"

So they steal this Buick and they arrive in Cisco

所以他們偷了這輛別克車，然後到了思科。

on the morning of December 23rd.

12月23日上午，。

Ratliff gets out of the car, he's dressed as Santa,

拉特利夫下了車，他打扮成了聖誕老人。

and gets mobbed by kids.

並被孩子們圍攻。

- You see Santa, kids are gonna come towards you.

- 你看，聖誕老人，孩子們會向你走來。

- Kids want to see you!

- 孩子們想看你！

You're like the Justin Beaver of the times.

你就像這個時代的賈斯汀-比弗。

- Yeah.

- 是啊。

- And he's a bank robber, but he's like,

- 他是個銀行搶劫犯，但他就像。

"Okay, I gotta go.

"好了，我得走了。

Santa's gotta make a deposit, kids."

聖誕老人要交押金，孩子們。"

So after that, he goes into the bank.

所以之後，他就進了銀行。

He doesn't even say anything

他什麼都不說

and the tellers are like, "Santa's here!"

和出納員都喜歡， "聖誕老人在這裡！"

And then Hill, Helms, Davis, all bust in

然後，希爾，赫爾姆斯，戴維斯，全部破門而入。

with their guns a-blazing.

帶著他們的槍支

They go, "Hey, all right, everybody shut up!

他們說，"嘿，好了，大家都閉嘴！

We're robbing this place."

我們要打劫這個地方。"

Santa-Ratliff gets $12,400 in cash

Santa-Ratliff獲得12400美元的現金。

and $150,000 in bonds.

和15萬美元的債券。

Santa's like, "Yes!"

聖誕老人的樣子，"是的！"

But this lady, Mrs. Blassengame,

但這位女士，布拉森格梅夫人。

goes into the bank and (beep) loses her shit.

進入銀行和（嗶）失去了她的狗屎。

She's like (screams),

她就像（尖叫聲）。

so she runs out screaming her head off.

所以她跑出去尖叫她的頭。

(imitates screaming)

（模仿尖叫）

- I love that Duncan Trussell is this woman.

- 我喜歡鄧肯-特魯塞爾就是這個女人。

- Hey!

- 嘿！

Terence McKenna predicted

Terence McKenna預測

this bank was gonna be robbed, man!

這家銀行會被搶劫，男人！

(both laughing)

（兩個笑）

So then the whole town, they hear her running up and down,

所以後來整個鎮上的人，都聽到她跑上跑下的聲音。

just (imitates screaming),

只是（模仿尖叫）。

and at this time, the Texas Bank Association was like,

而此時，德州銀行協會就像。

"Well, we're offering $5,000 for anybody

"好吧，我們提供5000元，誰都可以得到

who shoots a bank robber doing a bank robbery."

射殺正在搶劫銀行的劫匪的人。"

And the whole town is like, "We could use $5,000!

整個鎮上的人都說："我們可以用5000美元！

That's a lot of money back now!"

這下子可賺回來不少錢了！"

So everybody grabbed their guns

所以大家都拿起了槍

'cause an angry mom's about to-

"因為一個憤怒的媽媽的關於 -

Angry mom's about to form.

憤怒的媽媽要形成了。

So they go into the bank while the robbery's going.

所以他們在搶劫的時候進入銀行。

And then, just, everybody just starts shooting.

然後，只是，每個人都開始拍攝。

(imitating gunfire)

（模仿槍聲）

Customers are getting shot, a guy gets shot in the leg,

顧客被槍擊，一個人腿部中槍。

so the Santa Bandits, they're like,

所以聖誕老人大盜，他們就像。

"Why everybody shooting us?"

"為什麼每個人都向我們開槍？"

"Get into the alley!

"進巷子裡去!

'Cause that's where the Buick is."

'因為那是別克的地方。"

But everybody keeps shooting!

但每個人都在不停地射擊！

A Bandit gets shot,

一個強盜被槍殺了。

the bank president gets shot,

銀行行長被槍殺。

everybody's going nuts.

每個人都要瘋了。

All right, So the Santa Bandits,

好吧，所以聖誕老人大盜。

they grab these two young girls as human shields

他們把這兩個年輕女孩抓來當人肉盾牌。

to get into their Buick and get the (beep) out of there.

進到他們的別克車裡，然後把(嗶)的一聲離開那裡。

So Santa's driving the car, and he looks at the gas gauge

所以，聖誕老人開著車，看著油量表

and he goes, "What the-

他說，"什麼...

We're (beep) almost out of gas!"

我們（嗶）快沒油了！"

- [Derek] What a bunch of idiots.

- 一群白痴！

- And they're like, "We drove a hundred miles

- 他們會說，"我們開了一百英里的車

from Wichita falls and we didn't get gas in 1927!"

從威奇塔瀑布來的，我們在1927年就沒有汽油了！"

They see this Oldsmobile and they're like,

他們看到這輛奧茲莫比爾，他們就像。

"Give us your Oldsmobile," and he leaves.

"把你的老爺車給我們。"他離開了。

Helms gets shot.

赫爾姆斯被槍殺。

They're like, "Come on, put all the money in here

他們會說，"來吧，把所有的錢放在這裡

and get Davis in there."

並讓戴維斯在那裡。"

And they get in the Oldsmobile and then they realize,

而他們上了老爺車，才發現。

"(beep), the keys!"

"（嗶），鑰匙！"

So they're like, "Well, we can't (beep)

所以他們會說，"好吧，我們不能（嗶嗶聲）"。

do anything with this."

用這個做什麼。"

So then they get back into the Buick

所以他們又回到了別克

and they leave Davis there, poor sap.

他們把戴維斯丟在那裡，可憐的傢伙。

He's (beep).

他是（嗶）。

And they're like, "Well, that sucks."

他們會說："好吧，那很爛。"

And then they're like, "Oh shit!

然後他們就會說，"哦，該死！"。

We left the money in that car, too, in the Oldsmobile!"

我們把錢也留在了那輛車上，放在了老爺車裡！"

And they're like- (burps)

他們就像 - （打嗝）

What's it mean when you're swallowing too much?

吞嚥過多是什麼意思？

- Good question. (laughs)

- 好問題。（笑）

- [Brendan] So they're trying to cross the Brazos river,

- 所以，他們試圖跨越布拉索斯河。

but they get ambushed and they shoot Ratliff six times.

但他們得到埋伏，他們拍攝拉特利夫六次。

So Helms and Hill just give themselves up

所以赫爾姆斯和希爾就自首了

and Ratliff survives.

而拉特利夫還活著。

So the townsfolk are out there, they're like,

所以鄉親們在外面，他們就像。

"We've had it with this guy,"

"我們已經受夠了這個傢伙"。

and they put a noose around his neck.

他們在他的脖子上套了個繩索。

They're like, "We're gonna publicly lynch you

他們就像，"我們要公開私刑你

'cause we've had it with your shit."

"因為我們已經受夠了你的狗屎。"

And he's just like, "Hey, I got an idea.

他就像，"嘿，我有一個想法。

Forgive me!"

原諒我吧！"

And then they're like, "All right, nah, nah, nah."

然後他們就會說，"好吧，不，不，不，不。"

And then they (beep) hang him!

然後他們就會（嗶嗶聲）把他吊死!

And he's croaked.

而他卻呱呱墜地。

These guys (beep) up,

這些傢伙（嘟嘟）起來。

because back then, it was

因為那時候

so easy to get away with crimes.

很容易逃脫犯罪。

They were stupid!

他們真傻！

(laughs)

（笑）

- Hi, I'm Jessica Meraz,

- 嗨，我是傑西卡-梅拉茲。

and today, we're gonna be talking about Juan Ponce de Leon.

今天，我們要討論的是胡安-龐塞-德-萊昂。

Or as white people call him, Ponce de Leon,

或者像白人叫他龐塞-德-萊昂。

Juan Ponce de Leon is a Spanish explorer.

胡安-龐塞-德-萊昂是西班牙探險家。

King Ferdinand is like, "You know what, Ponce?

費迪南德國王就說："你知道嗎，龐塞？

I dig you.

我挖你。

You've done a really great job,

你做得很好

and in honor of your service to Spain,

並對你為西班牙所做的貢獻表示敬意。

I'm gonna send you over to Puerto Rico

我要把你送到波多黎各去

to be the governor."

來當省長。"

So Ponce de Leon's like, "Okay, cool."

所以龐塞-德-萊昂的樣子，"好吧，很酷。"

He goes to Puerto Rico and he sees the people,

他去了波多黎各，他看到了人們。

he's like, "Love you, you guys are cool,"

他的樣子，"愛你，你們是很酷，"

sees the the land, is like, "Oh my God, it's bountiful

看到土地，就像 "哦，我的上帝，它是豐盛的。

and it's awesome!"

而且很厲害！"

So... (laughs)

所以... （笑）

- [Derek] It's kicking in.

- 踢到了。

(laughs)

（笑）

- Okay.

- 好吧，我知道了

So back in Spain, (sings dramatic music)

所以回到西班牙，（唱戲劇性的音樂）。

Diego Columbus is there.

迭戈-哥倫布在那裡。

He's Christopher Columbus's eldest son,

他是克里斯托弗-哥倫布的長子。

and he is like rich kid dickface.

他就像有錢的孩子dickface。

And he's like, "You know what, King Ferdinand?

他說："你知道嗎，費迪南王？

You owe me (beep).

你欠我的（嗶）。

You told my dad he's supposed to have control

你跟我爸說過，他應該有控制權的。

over all the West Indies and everything that he explored."

在整個西印度群島和他探索的一切。"

And the King is like, "(beep) you, my man, Ponce,

國王就說："（嗶）你，我的人，龐塞。

who is, like, a good dude is taking care of Puerto Rico.

誰是一樣，一個好紈絝子弟 正在照顧波多黎各。

I don't care who your dad is,

我不在乎你爸爸是誰。

but, like, shut the (beep) up."

但是，喜歡，關閉（嗶）了。"

So he goes and he finds the King's cousin.

所以他去了，他找到了國王的表哥。

Her name was Maria Alvarez de Toledo.

她的名字叫瑪麗亞-阿爾瓦雷斯-德-托萊多。

- Can you give it to me again?

- 你能再給我一次嗎？

- Maria Alvarez de Toledo.

- Maria Alvarez de Toledo.

- [Derek] That's super fast.

- 超快的速度。

- [Jessica] Maria Alvarez de Toledo.

- [Jessica] Maria Alvarez de Toledo.

- [Derek] Wait, one at a time.

- 等等，一次一個。

- [Jessica] Maria.

- [傑西卡]瑪麗亞。

- [Derek] Maria.

- 瑪麗亞

- [Jessica] Alvarez.

- [傑西卡]阿爾瓦雷斯。

- [Derek] Alvarez.

- [德里克]阿爾瓦雷斯。

- [Jessica] De. - [Derek] De.

- [傑西卡]德- [德里克]德。

- [Jessica] Toledo. - [Derek] Toledo.

- [傑西卡]托萊多- [德里克]托萊多。

- [Jessica] Okay.

- [傑西卡]好吧。

So he seduces this chick,

所以他勾引這個小妞。

and marries her, and basically blackmails the King.

並與她結婚，基本上敲詐國王。

And he's like, "You know what, King Ferdinand?

他說："你知道嗎，費迪南王？

Make me the Viceroy of the entire West Indies,

讓我成為整個西印度群島的總督。

which includes Puerto Rico, and the governor of Hispaniola,

和伊斯帕尼奧拉省省長，其中包括波多黎各。

which is the Island just west of Puerto Rico."

也就是波多黎各以西的島嶼。"

And King Ferdinand has no choice, his hands are tied.

而國王費迪南德沒有選擇，他的手被綁住了。

So in 1509, Diego Columbus goes over to Hispaniola,

所以在1509年，迭戈-哥倫布去了伊斯帕尼奧拉。

plunders all the resources, is a huge dick,

掠奪所有資源，是一個巨大的傢伙。

brings over a slew of white chicks from Spain,

從西班牙帶來了大量的白色小雞。

is like, "Oh, for my Spanish conquistador

是這樣的，"哦，為我的西班牙征服者，

fellow army men, like, (groans) you know.

同行的軍人，喜歡，（呻吟）你知道的。

Take your pick, you can (whistles)

挑吧，你可以（吹口哨）

with whatever chick you want to."

與任何小雞你想。"

And his buddies, Juan Ceron and Miguel Diaz, are over

而他的兄弟，胡安-塞隆和米格爾-迪亞茲，也都過來了。

and he's like, (speaks Spanish)

他的樣子，（講西班牙語）。

- What did he just say?

- 他剛才說什麼？

- Let's have some drinks, let's have a good time,

- 讓我們喝幾杯，讓我們有一個美好的時光。

let's party, man.

讓我們的黨，男人。

- Very cool.

- 非常酷。

- So then they go and it's like, "Yeah, party island!"

- 所以，他們去了，就像，"是啊，派對島！"

And he turns Hispaniola into, like, a frat boy party.

他把伊斯帕尼奧拉變成了兄弟會的聚會

(electronic music)

(電子音樂)

(air horn blaring)

（空氣喇叭高音）

(laughs)

（笑）

(sighs)

（嘆氣）

So he's like, "You know what?

所以他說，"你知道嗎？

You guys, go over there, take over Puerto Rico,

你們這些傢伙，去那裡，接管波多黎各。

it's supposed to be mine anyway.

反正它應該是我的。

(beep) Ponce de Leon."

(嗶)龐塞-德-萊昂。"

So he's doing whatever he wants over in Hispaniola

所以，他在伊斯帕尼奧拉為所欲為。

while just one island over, in Puerto Rico,

而就在波多黎各的一個島上。

Ponce de Leon is, like, skipping around with the people.

龐塞-德-萊昂就像，和人們一起跳來跳去。

He's like, "Hey, what's up?"

他說，"嘿，怎麼了？"

And they're like, "Hey, Poncey!"

他們就像，"嘿，龐塞！"

Ceron And Diaz go over to Puerto Rico

塞隆和迪亞茲去了波多黎各。

and kick Ponce de Leon out of power

並將龐塞-德-萊昂踢下臺

and are like, "We're in charge now."

並喜歡，"我們現在負責。"

They're barbaric, they're enslaving the people,

他們是野蠻的，他們在奴役人民。

being super douches.

是超級沖洗。

So Ponce de Leon is like,

所以龐塞-德-萊昂就像。

"I can't witness my people just being, like,

"我不能目睹我的人就這樣，就這樣。

totally treated (beep) like this."

完全被這樣對待（嗶）"。

So he gathers up some of his Spanish men

所以他召集了一些西班牙人。

and he's like, "You know what?

他的樣子，"你知道嗎？

Let's (beep) chain these (beep)

讓我們（嗶）連鎖這些（嗶）。

and send them back to Spain."

並把他們送回西班牙。"

And King Ferdinand is like, "The (beep) are you doing?

斐迪南國王就說："你在做的（嗶）？

I get it, these guys are assholes, but

我明白了，這些傢伙是混蛋，但...

you don't have the power to do that!"

你沒有權力這麼做！"

So Juan Ceron and Miguel Diaz

所以胡安-塞隆和米格爾-迪亞斯

go back to Puerto Rico, and Ponce de Leon's like,

回到波多黎各，和龐塞德萊昂的喜歡，

"King Ferdinand, fine.

"費迪南王，好。

If I can't have Puerto Rico,

如果我不能擁有波多黎各，

there's this other island to the north, west a little bit.

北邊還有一個島，西邊有點。

that is just as full gold

金玉滿堂

and the land is just as bountiful."

和土地一樣豐饒。"

And he says, "Okay, go do your thing."

他說，"好吧，去做你的事情。"

So Ponce de Leon's like, "All right, sweet."

所以龐塞-德-萊昂說："好吧，親愛的。"

So it takes them a couple of months

所以他們需要幾個月的時間

and he gets together a ship

他湊齊了一艘船

and a group of Spaniards.

和一群西班牙人。

In 1513, he sets sail in the wide open waters

1513年，他在寬闊的海面上揚帆起航。

of the Atlantic ocean for this mystery island.

大西洋上的這個神祕島嶼。

A month later, he sees land.

一個月後，他看到了土地。

As he sees it, he realizes, "You know what?

當他看到這裡時，他意識到："你知道嗎？

Christopher Columbus has never been here.

克里斯托弗-哥倫布從來沒有來過這裡。

I'm the first non-native to come across this land.

我是第一個來到這片土地的非本地人。

And not just that..."

不僅如此......"

(hums)

（哼）

(laughs)

（笑）

I lost it.

我失去了它。

So he shows up and he's like, "Oh my God,

所以他出現了，他的樣子，"哦，我的上帝。

I'm the first non-indigenous person

我是第一個非土著人

to show up on this land,"

來出現在這片土地上，"

sets down the Spanish flag, unrolls it, and is like,

放下西班牙國旗，展開它，就像。

"I hereby proclaim this land as being Spanish

"我在此宣佈這塊土地為西班牙的

and I call it La Florida."

我叫它 "佛羅里達州"。

And there he's left to make this land his own

在那裡他要把這片土地變成自己的土地

'til the end of time.

直到時間的盡頭。

(both sigh)

嚱

- (beep) history.

- (嗶)歷史。

- Hello.

- 你好啊

Today, we're gonna talk about the caning of Charles Sumner.

今天，我們要談的是查爾斯・薩姆納的杖刑。

In the middle of the 1800s, Kansas is up

在19世紀中期，堪薩斯州是起來了