which is offensive, unfair, untrue.

這是攻擊性的、不公平的、不真實的。

I was not a nerd.

我不是一個書呆子。

Nerds had other nerds to play "Dungeons and Dragons" with,

書呆子們有其他書呆子一起玩 "龍與地下城"。

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

people to hang out with.

人掛出。

I was a spazzy weirdo.

我是個神經質的怪人。

We're our own thing.

我們是自己的東西。

(upbeat instrumental music) (audience cheering)

(歡快的器樂) (觀眾的歡呼聲)

I moved here recently.

我是最近才搬來的

I moved from San Francisco.

我從舊金山搬來的。

(audience cheering) Yeah.

（觀眾歡呼）是啊。

A lot of times when I tell people I'm from San Francisco,

很多時候，當我告訴別人我來自舊金山，

the response is the same.

響應是一樣的。

It's always, "Oh, San Francisco.

它總是，"哦，舊金山。

"That's a nice city, but, uh, pretty gay, right."

"這是一個不錯的城市，但是，呃，很同志，對吧。"

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

And I understand why people think that.

我也明白為什麼人們會這麼想。

I don't understand why they say it out loud.

我不明白他們為什麼要大聲說出來。

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

Here's the thing though.

但事情是這樣的。

I've looked up the statistics

我查了一下數據

and San Francisco is only 25% gay.

而舊金山只有25%的同志。

So that's one out of every four people.

所以每四個人中就有一個。

So that's like saying, "Oh, you like the Beatles?

所以這就像說："哦，你喜歡披頭士嗎？

"Yeah, they're pretty good but why are they all Ringo?"

"是啊，他們是挺好的，但為什麼都是林檎？"

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

(audience clapping)

（觀眾鼓掌）

And it just feels like everyone of them's

而且感覺他們每個人的...

just Ringo. Ringo, Ringo.

只是林戈。林戈，林戈。

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

And they're so in your face about it.

而且他們是如此在你的臉上。

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

I'm not a lesbian.

我不是一個女同性戀者。

I know I have to say that in order for people to know it.

我知道我必須這樣說，才能讓大家知道。

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

But I consider myself an ally, you know,

但我認為自己是盟友，你知道的。

and I've noticed that there are a lot of ways

我注意到，有很多方法

in which gay men and gay women are treated

男男同性戀和女女同性戀在其中受到的待遇

very differently by society.

社會對其有很大的不同。

Like a lot of times when people do impressions of gay men,

就像很多時候人們對男同志的印象。

there's a very specific voice that they use.

有一個非常具體的聲音，他們使用。

It's almost like an accent or a cadence,

這幾乎就像一個口音或節奏。

a gaydence, if you would.

如果你願意的話，一個gaydence。

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

But there's no such voice for lesbians, right?

但女同志就沒有這樣的聲音了吧？

There's no lesbian accent.

沒有女同志的口音。

And I think that's weird and I think it's unfair.

我認為這很奇怪，我認為這不公平。

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

I think there needs to be one.

我認為需要有一個。

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

And I've been thinking about it.

而我一直在思考這個問題。

I think, hear me out, I think it should be

我覺得，聽我說完，我覺得應該是... ...

a really bad fake French accent.

一個非常糟糕的假法國口音。

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

Because how great would that be if one day

因為如果有一天

your teenage daughter sat you down and was just like,

你的十幾歲的女兒 坐你下來，只是喜歡，

"Mom, Dad, I have something to tell you."

"媽媽，爸爸，我有件事要告訴你們。"

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

I'll tell you a little bit about me.

我給你講講我的情況吧。

I was not a very cool kid growing up.

我從小就不是一個很酷的孩子。

I'm not a cool adult.

我不是一個冷靜的成年人。

It just doesn't matter anymore.

只是已經不重要了。

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

A lot of people assume I was a nerd growing up,

很多人都以為我從小就是個書呆子。

which is offensive, unfair, untrue.

這是攻擊性的、不公平的、不真實的。

I was not a nerd.

我不是一個書呆子。

Nerds had other nerds to play "Dungeons and Dragons" with,

書呆子們有其他書呆子一起玩 "龍與地下城"。

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

people to hang out with.

人掛出。

I was a spazzy weirdo.

我是個神經質的怪人。

We're our own thing.

我們是自己的東西。

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

Kind of the bad boys of the general loser community.

算是一般屌絲界的壞小子。

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

All of the alienation, none of the brains.

所有的異類，都沒有腦子。

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

I couldn't find anyone that was into

我找不到任何一個人，是進入

the stuff I was into as a kid.

我小時候喜歡的東西。

I'll give you an example.

我給你舉個例子。

When I was 11, my dad made me scrambled eggs for breakfast

在我11歲的時候，爸爸給我做了早餐炒雞蛋

one morning and I said, "This is amazing.

有一天早上，我說："這太神奇了。

"What's in this?"

"這裡面是什麼？"

And he said, "Oregano."

他說，"牛至"。

So naturally I took a small tub of oregano

所以我自然而然地拿了一小盆牛至。

and I taped a string to it and I wore it as a necklace

我把它綁在繩子上，然後把它當做項鍊來戴。

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

every day to school for three months.

每天都去學校，為期三個月。

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

And because I'm from San Francisco,

因為我是舊金山人

my parents just let me do that.

我的父母只是讓我這樣做。

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

They were just like, "Go on out into the world,

他們就像，"到外面的世界去吧"。

"be free, follow your heart.

"自由，跟隨你的心。

"Who are we to stop you?"

"我們有什麼資格阻止你？"

(audience laughing) (audience clapping)

（觀眾笑） （觀眾鼓掌）。

Who are you to stop me?

你有什麼資格阻止我？

You're actually the only people who can.

其實只有你能。

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

It's kind of part of your job, right?

這是你工作的一部分，對吧？

Just to give me a once-over before I leave the house

只是為了在我出門前給我一次機會。

make sure there's no trash dangling from my body.

確保沒有垃圾從我的身體上垂下來。

You're dropping the ball.

你把球弄丟了

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

I was like, "This is cool, tight?

我當時就想："這很酷，緊嗎？

"I'm the oregano girl now.

"我是牛至姑娘了。

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

"You all better pick a spice because oregano is spoken for."

"你們最好選一種香料，因為牛至已經說好了。"

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

I think what I'm trying to say is it took me

我想我想說的是，它花了我。

a really long time to lose my virginity.

一個非常長的時間失去我的處女。

That's the point of that story, I think.

我想，這就是那個故事的重點。

I feel like I wanna be single forever.

我覺得我想永遠單身。

I just really like to say that I wanna be single forever

我只想說我想永遠單身下去

in front of my married friends because they hate that.

在我的已婚朋友面前，因為他們討厭這樣。

Oh my God, they hate that so much.

哦，我的上帝，他們討厭這麼多。

There's always one of them

總有一個人

who will condescend to me about it.

誰會對我委屈求全。

He'll be like, "Come on, single forever.

他會說："來吧，永遠單身。

"You don't know that.

"你是不知道的。

"You can't know that.

"你不可能知道的。

"You can't know that you're gonna want something forever."

"你不可能知道你會永遠想要什麼"

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

I'm like, "Oh my God, that is an amazing point."

我想，"哦，我的上帝，這是一個驚人的點。"

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

No, you're right.

不，你是對的。

That would be stupid of me to say that I know

如果我說我知道，那就太傻了。

I'm gonna want something forever in my 20s.

我20多歲的時候會想要一些永遠的東西。

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

God, the only thing that I could think of

天啊，我唯一能想到的就是：

that might be stupider would be spending $50,000

更愚蠢的是花了五萬塊錢。

to say it in front of everyone I know.

在我認識的每個人面前說。

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

If you're married and that offends you, I'm sorry.

如果你結婚了，這冒犯了你，我很抱歉。

Here's what I recommend.

這是我推薦的。

Go home, hug your spouse, know that I will not be doing that

回家吧，抱抱你的配偶，知道我不會這樣做的。

because Netflix does not have arms.

因為Netflix沒有武器。

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

Although if they know their clientele,

雖然如果他們瞭解自己的客戶。

they are working on it, right.

他們正在努力，對。

I kinda think Donald Trump is like the "Air Bud"

我覺得唐納德-特朗普就像 "Air Bud"。

of American politics.

美國政治的。

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

But I also think "Air Bud" was the villain of that movie.

但我也認為 "空巴 "是那部電影的反派。

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

Right, because imagine for a moment

對，因為想象一下

that you are one of the kids

你是孩子們的一員

on the other basketball team, right.

在另一支籃球隊，對。

You're one of the kids who has to play basketball

你是其中一個要打籃球的孩子。

against a golden retriever in front of your parents.

在你父母面前對著一隻金毛犬。

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

You're just a kid who loves basketball, right.

你只是個愛打籃球的孩子，對吧。

You've been practicing basketball.

你一直在練習籃球。

You know the rules of basketball.

你知道籃球的規則。

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

You showed up to the gym that day

你那天去了健身房

expecting to play another child at basketball.

期待在籃球比賽中再給孩子打球。

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

That was Hillary Clinton, right.

那是希拉里-克林頓吧。

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

(audience cheering)

（觀眾歡呼）

She was just like, "Put me in, coach,"

她只是想，"讓我加入，教練"

for the last 20 years.

在過去的20年裡，。

And we finally did and as soon as we did,

我們終於做了，而且一做就做了。

this fucking fluffy dog who has no business on the court

這隻該死的毛茸茸的狗誰沒有在球場上的業務。

comes running out distracting everybody.

跑出來分散大家的注意力。

He doesn't know the rules.

他不懂規矩

He can't know the rules.

他不可能知道規則。

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

He is a dog.

他是一條狗。

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

He's traveling like crazy.

他在瘋狂地旅行

Where's the ref?

裁判呢？

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

And everyone's just fine with it

大家都很滿意

because there's nothing in the rule book

因為規則中沒有規定

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

that says a pumpkin-headed racist can't be president.

說一個南瓜頭的種族主義者不能當總統。

Let's write more rules maybe.

讓我們寫更多的規則也許。

How about that?

怎麼樣？

That seems like a pretty obvious fix.

這似乎是一個很明顯的修復方法。

(audience clapping)

（觀眾鼓掌）

Also, I should say I have not seen "Air Bud."

另外，我應該說我還沒有看過 "空中花蕾"。

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

(audience cheering) (upbeat instrumental music)

(觀眾的歡呼聲) (歡快的器樂)