I once got plastic surgery, and I totally regret it.

我曾經做了整形手術，我完全後悔了。

And this is back story.

而這是後面的故事。

This all started in my freshman year when I was in college, growing up in Shanghai thing.

這一切都始於我上大一的時候，在上海長大的事情。

My teenage years there.

我的少年時代在那裡。

I always thought I was not good looking enough, and I still remember when I was just a couple of years old.

我一直覺得自己不夠好看，我還記得自己才幾歲的時候。

My own grandma actually called me ugly.

我自己的奶奶居然說我醜。

She said, I'm the ugliest cousin out of all three female cousins, the beauty standards in China just like pretty harsh.

她說，我是三個女表妹中最醜的一個，中國的審美標準就像挺苛刻的。

Like you have to be a size double zero.

就像你必須是雙零號一樣。

You have thio where excess s and clothes, and you have thio basically looked like a Barbie doll or you'll be considered ugly.

你有潮的地方多餘的s和衣服，你有潮基本上看起來像一個芭比娃娃，否則你會被認為是醜陋的。

When I got to college, I got in a relationship and it was all wrangles and butterflies.

到了大學，我談了一場戀愛，都是纏綿悱惻。

I felt like I was finally being loved unconditionally being loved for who I am until I realized that I had difficulty having sex with my boyfriend.

我覺得自己終於被無條件的愛著被愛著，直到我意識到我和男友難以發生性關係。

We tried a couple of times, and I started thinking that is it because I'm not pretty enough?

我們試了幾次，我開始想，是不是因為我不夠漂亮？

Is that why he couldn't get up when he sees me?

這就是他看到我就起不來的原因嗎？

And every single time I try.

而且每次我都會嘗試。

It's not even about the sex anymore.

這甚至不是關於性的問題了。

It's more about Can I make him want me again?

更多的是我能不能讓他再要我？

Can I make him feel attracted to me again?

我可以讓他再次對我產生吸引力嗎？

And the summer with my freshman year, I decided Thio, go get plastic surgery.

而在大一的那個夏天，我決定Thio，去做整形手術。

I had always had some insecurities around my nose and I always felt like my side Pro apologies look good enough.

我的鼻子周圍一直都有一些不安全感，我總覺得自己的側面臨道歉的樣子不夠好看。

And so I added this.

於是我加了這個。

We shot person.

我們拍的人。

We've had this kind of like messenger here.

我們這裡有這種像信使。

And so initially I was just looking at the pictures, scrolling to find beauty, inspiration.

所以最初我只是看著圖片，滾動著尋找美，尋找靈感。

And then I saw this we chop person is representing Ah hospital.

然後我看到這個我們砍人的人是代表啊醫院。

I saw the before and after pictures and the changes were just so drastic.

我看了前後的照片，變化實在是太大了。

And so that made me feel like, Wow, this is almost like a kind of get rich quick but get pretty quick procedure.

所以，這讓我覺得，哇，這幾乎是一種快速致富，但獲得相當快的程序。

And so, yeah, I just remember following that account for a while and finally deciding to bite the bullet when it's summertime and I go back to Shanghai.

於是，是的，我只記得我關注了那個賬號一段時間，最後決定在夏天回上海的時候咬咬牙。

So my family did not know.

所以我家人不知道。

And of course, I sneaked out that day.

當然，那天我也是偷偷跑出來的。

I just told my parents Hey, I'm just seeing a friend.

我只是告訴我的父母，嘿，我只是看到一個朋友。

It was definitely one of the scariest things I've ever done in my life.

這絕對是我這輩子做過的最可怕的事情之一。

And looking back, I'm just so glad that I didn't die because honestly, I don't think that hospital is even legit.

回想起來，我只是很慶幸自己沒有死，因為說實話，我覺得那家醫院根本不合法。

I just remember going there and they didn't even test my blood.

我只記得去那裡，他們甚至沒有測試我的血液。

They didn't do anything.

他們什麼也沒做。

And the same day I checked in, that was the day I have my procedures.

而我入住的當天，就是我辦手續的日子。

The procedure that I got done is bridal plastic surgery.

我做的手術是新娘整形手術。

They take an implant.

他們採取植入。

It doesn't hurt that much during the procedure because you're numbed.

在手術過程中不會那麼疼，因為你已經麻木了。

But afterwards you do feel quite a lot of pain over here.

但事後你在這邊確實感覺到了不少的痛苦。

The toughest thing is Thio breathe because I have to breathe my mouth and it makes my mouth really, really dry.

最難的是Thio呼吸，因為我必須用嘴呼吸，這讓我的嘴非常非常乾燥。

And I'm not a mouth breather, so I'm not used to it.

而我又不是嘴上說說，所以不習慣。

I don't know why I was, like, so naive.

我不知道為什麼我，喜歡，如此天真。

I thought I could just go home and hide in my room and no one would see me during the recovery period, which is like 10 to 15 days, which is like, not short.

我以為我可以直接回家躲在房間裡，在恢復期，也就是10到15天的樣子，也就是不短的時間，沒有人會看到我。

Like, why would I think that my family wouldn't know?

就像，我為什麼會認為我的家人不會知道？

I just remember wearing a mask and a cap, and it just go back home Normally, of course, my dad, I think he first noticed.

我只記得戴著口罩和帽子，它只是回家正常，當然，我的爸爸，我想他首先注意到。

And he was like, What's up with your face?

他說，你的臉怎麼了？

Like, why do you have bruises?

比如說，你為什麼會有瘀傷？

E mean, I couldn't explain it, and I can't say I got enough because that would be even worse.

E的意思是，我無法解釋它，我不能說我得到了足夠的，因為那將是更糟糕的。

And so I just told my dad Yeah, I got my nose done.

所以我就跟我爸說 是的，我做了鼻子。

And he was so angry, I've never seen him so angry.

而且他很生氣，我從來沒見過他這麼生氣。

And I think part of it is because he thinks that by me, getting work done.

我想部分原因是他認為，由我來完成工作。

I don't look like him anymore.

我不再像他了

Hey, thought that I was not grateful of what he has given me, which is, like, I guess, my face.

哎，還以為我不感激他給我的東西，也就是，我想，我的臉。

At that time, I just felt like all sorts of emotions coming towards me all at the same time.

那時候，我只覺得各種情緒同時向我襲來。

The plastic sugar itself also came with its complications.

塑膠糖本身也有其複雜性。

The implant that I got in my nose started kind of poking out a little bit, so you can kind of see the shape of the implant.

我鼻子裡的植入物開始有點突出來，所以你可以看到植入物的形狀。

And under the sun, my nose was red and transparent, and that again triggered another Siris of insecurities.

而在陽光下，我的鼻子紅得透明，這又引發了另一個西里斯的不安全感。

I felt like Oh, my gosh, people are gonna know I got plastic surgery.

我覺得像哦，我的天哪，人們會知道我做了整形手術。

They're gonna know that, you know, even even if they concern me as pretty, that be fake and I'd be an imposter.

他們會知道，你知道， 即使他們關注我，因為漂亮， 那是假的，我會是一個冒牌貨。

I also felt strange having a strength substance in my body, and I have no idea how my body is going to react to it, like years from now.

我也覺得身體裡有一種力量物質很奇怪，我也不知道我的身體會有什麼反應，比如幾年後。

And that fear really kept me up at night reading articles after articles about how to deal with your nose implant that has signs of poking out.

而這種恐懼真的讓我晚上看了一篇又一篇的文章，關於如何處理自己的鼻子植入物有被戳出來的跡象。

And in the end I decided to take it out, and now my nose doesn't have any implant anymore.

而最後我決定把它取出來，現在我的鼻子已經沒有任何植入物了。

But it's still not the same as before, because there are scarring tissues, so my nose still feels like harder than before.

但還是和以前不一樣，因為有疤痕組織，所以我的鼻子還是感覺比以前硬。

But at least there's no implant inside.

但至少裡面沒有植入物。

At least I can not worry about stuff hooking up my notes and it really took me so many years.

至少我可以不用擔心東西勾兌我的筆記，真的花了我這麼多年的時間。

I would say, at least five years after that initial incidents with my boyfriend at the time that made you realize that it's probably not my face, it's probably not my nose.

我想說的是，至少在最初和當時的男朋友發生的那件事之後，五年後，讓你意識到，可能不是我的臉，可能不是我的鼻子。

It's something else, like, it's not about me, It z not about the way I look, and it took me a long time to finally accept that the way I am, the way I'm born, it's alright.

這是另一回事，就像，它不是關於我，它不是關於我的樣子，我花了很長時間才最終接受我的方式，我出生的方式，它是好的。

Since I also make personal finance YouTube videos, sometimes I would look at my face and the Oh my gosh, what is this double chin doing?

由於我也在YouTube上製作個人理財視頻，有時我會看著自己的臉，天哪，這雙下巴在幹什麼？

Even though it's like a personal finance channel?

即使它像一個個人理財頻道？

Who cares about my double chin?

誰在乎我的雙下巴？

That's still something that I'm working on.

這還是我在努力的事情。

But overall, I don't feel as insecure about my face anymore.

但總體來說，我對自己的臉不再那麼沒有安全感了。

Try not Thio.

儘量不要Thio.

Give yourself too hard of a time because you're already going through a lot.

給自己的時間太難，因為你已經經歷了很多。

Don't forget to practice self love because you deserve it.

不要忘記練習自愛，因為你值得擁有。

Mhm, Yeah!

嗯，是啊！

Mhm, yeah.

嗯，是的。