And I had botched period sex

而我的經期性生活也不順利

with an economics teacher in Vermont.

與佛蒙特州的一位經濟學老師。

I had to go to Burlington, Vermont for a few nights

我得去佛蒙特州的伯靈頓住幾晚。

to perform standup comedy.

來表演站立式喜劇。

I got my period, in the sky,

我的月經來了，在天上。

which was frustrating timing as Vermont has no huts.

這是令人沮喪的時機，因為佛蒙特州沒有小屋。

I really love Vermont.

我真的很喜歡佛蒙特州。

It always sort of feels like

它總是有點像

a Hallmark Christmas movie about a CBD entrepreneur.

一部關於CBD企業家的Hallmark聖誕電影。

It was quaint, everything was blanketed in snow.

它很古樸，一切都被白雪籠罩。

The air was frigid, smelled of pine,

空氣很冷，有松樹的味道。

and tasted of Bernie's sweaty legacy,

並品嚐了伯尼的汗青遺產。

a potent aphrodisiac.

強效的春藥。

So I decided to rev up (engine revving)

於是我決定提高轉速（發動機轉速）。

ye old Tinder engine.

你的老火柴引擎。

And see what was popping on that platform.

且看那平臺上的爆款是什麼。

I met up with a guy named, well, we'll call him Morgan

我遇到了一個叫，嗯，我們叫他摩根的人。

after the Morgan horse, which is Vermont's state horse.

以佛蒙特州的州馬--摩根馬為原型。

According to netstate.com.

據網邦網報道。

Morgan was wearing plaid in his photograph.

摩根在照片中穿著格子。

Tinder has taught me that red plaid

火柴人告訴我，紅格子

transcends geographic and political spectrums.

超越地理和政治範圍。

He was bald, but had a beanie,

他是光頭，但有一頂小帽。

which is my favorite kind of bald.

這是我最喜歡的一種光頭。

I'm drawn to the look

我被它的外觀所吸引

with a sort of feathered, olive beanie.

帶著一種羽毛狀的橄欖小帽。

We met up at an arcade bar.

我們在一家街機酒吧見面。

We had beers, we laughed.

我們喝著啤酒，笑著。

He was funny, smart and nice.

他很幽默，很聰明，人也很好。

I imagine he still is.

我想他現在還在。

I don't know, I was sort of wanting to connect

我不知道，我是那種想連接到

with the environs, and I wound up at his place.

與環境，我在他的地方結束了。

He leaned in for a kiss.

他俯身吻了一下。

We were fingering each other's clavicles.

我們在互相撫摸對方的鎖骨。

Let me just preface all this by saying

首先我要說的是

that I don't really like period sex.

我真的不喜歡經期性愛。

I've had it before, most guys, I find,

我以前也有過這樣的經歷，大多數人，我發現。

don't mind either way.

都無所謂

And then some politely do

然後有些人禮貌地做

and seem sort of relieved when I'm like,

並似乎有點鬆了一口氣，當我喜歡，

"Oh, can we wait a week?

"哦，我們可以等一個星期嗎？

My uterus is expelling a wasted youth."

我的子宮正在驅逐浪費的青春。"

I said, "Oh, by the way, it's that time of month."

我說："哦，對了，現在是每月的那個時候。"

He shrugged and suggested a towel,

他聳聳肩，建議用毛巾。

which I actually took him up on,

我居然把他的。

despite my usual preferences.

儘管我平時喜歡。

After all, the green mountain state calls for adventure.

畢竟，青山州叫人冒險。

We boned.

我們的骨。

It was squealchier than usual, sure, but it was sex.

固然比平時吱吱喳喳的，但這是性。

It was nice, it was fun.

這很好，很有趣。

It was like slip and slide at Carrie's prom.

就像在嘉莉的舞會上滑倒一樣。

When we finished, I sort of attempted to cutesily,

當我們完成後，我有點試圖切磋一下。

shimmy off of the towel.

從毛巾上跳下來。

And then he said, "Oh shit."

然後他說，"哦，媽的。"

And I said, "What?"

我說，"什麼？"

Which is the correct answer,

哪個是正確答案。

according to the "Oxford Dictionary."

根據 "牛津詞典"。

And he said, "The condom's gone.

他說："套子沒了。

I think it's inside of you."

我想它就在你體內。"

We scanned the area and sure enough, it was gone.

我們掃視了一下這個區域，果然，它不見了。

And likely inside of me.

而且很可能在我體內。

I am not on birth control.

我沒有采取避孕措施。

So this was cause for concern.

所以這一點是值得關注的。

By the way, this precise thing had happened

順便說一句，這件事也曾發生過

to me about 10 years before in a cabin on Thompson Island,

10年前在湯普森島的一個小木屋裡對我說的。

off of Boston, and it later sort of expelled itself.

波士頓的，後來它有點驅逐自己。

So I was like, "Oh, okay, I'm gonna go figure it out."

所以我當時想，"哦，好吧，我要去弄清楚。"

And he was like, "Are you sure?"

他說，"你確定嗎？"

And I was like, "Yeah."

我當時想，"是啊。"

And then I pranced off to his bathroom

然後我就跑到他的浴室裡去了

and I sat down on the toilet

我坐在馬桶上

and tried to sort of dig around inside of my innards.

並試圖在我的內臟裡挖出一些東西。

And I couldn't find it.

而我卻找不到它。

I went back to his room, like a convincing Lady Macbeth.

我回到了他的房間，像一個令人信服的麥克白夫人。

And I said, matter of factly,

而我說，實事求是。

"I'll just figure it out."

"我就想辦法。"

And he was like, "No, we're gonna find it."

他說："不，我們會找到它的。"

So then a near stranger, Morgan,

所以後來一個近乎陌生的人，摩根。

had me bend over his bed, like in this sort of medical,

讓我在他的床上彎下腰，就像在這種醫療。

slash science fiction, slash Dexter-like procedure.

斜線科幻小說，斜線德克斯特般的程序。

But without a glove, because it was intimate emotionally.

但沒有戴手套，因為這是親密的情感。

He kind of plunged inside of my body

他那種插入我的身體裡的感覺

to ultimately extract the condom.

以最終提取保險套。

He said, "Oh, I've got it."

他說："哦，我知道了。"

The wilted sack of his very seed

枯萎的麻袋，他的種子。

fell from my canals and wetly hit the hardwood floor.

從我的甬道上掉下來，溼漉漉地砸在硬木地板上。

And I can only describe what happened there

而我只能描述那裡發生的事情

as sort of a frothy raspberry deluge.

作為一種保麗龍的覆盆子洪水。

(waterfall crashing)

(瀑布撞擊)

My reactions to that are threefold.

我的反應有三點。

First, how amazing that our two fluids that form life,

首先，我們的兩種液體形成生命，多麼神奇。

sort of married inside of me and my body,

某種程度上說，我和我的身體裡面結婚了。

and I don't even know his last name.

我甚至不知道他姓什麼。

Two, if I was 20 or even 25, maybe I'd feel mortified.

二、如果我20歲甚至25歲，也許我會感到羞愧。

But in my early thirties, emotionally calloused,

但在我三十出頭的時候，感情上就有了繭子。

I just sort of felt amused.

我只是有點覺得好笑。

And then three, okay, why do I have to now experience

然後三，好吧，為什麼我現在要經歷。

the side effects of Plan B and not him,

B計劃的副作用，而不是他。

I guess patriarchy exists, even in Vermont.

我想父權制是存在的，即使在佛蒙特州。

We cleaned up our merge of fluids on the floor,

我們把地上的液體清理乾淨了。

I fell asleep on his towel.

我在他的毛巾上睡著了。

I woke up, birds were chirping in,

我醒來的時候，鳥兒都在鳴叫。

light was streaming in through his window.

光線從他的窗外射入。

He gave me money for Plan B, which I later talk took

他給了我B計劃的錢，我後來談了一下，他給了我錢。

with jasmine tea, in case Gaia was watching.

用茉莉花茶，以防蓋亞在看。

So I left Vermont, and sure enough,

所以我離開了佛蒙特州，果然。

one moon later I felt compelled to text him

一個月後，我覺得不得不發短信給他。

and say, "What's up, hope you're doing well.

並說："怎麼了，希望你過得好。

Also it worked, I'm not the mother of your child."

也成功了，我不是你孩子的母親。"

And he was like, "Oh, I forgot about that."

他說："哦，我忘了。"

In reflection, the main lesson for me

反思中，我的主要體會是

is that I just don't really like period sex.

是，我只是不喜歡經期性愛。

And in closing, I will offer you a passage

最後，我將為大家提供一段話。

from the Vermont State Anthem.

來自佛蒙特州州歌。

"These green hills and silver waters are my home.

"這青山銀水是我的家。

They belong to me.

他們屬於我。

And to all her sons and daughters be from my uterus free."

她所有的兒女都從我的子宮裡獲得自由。"

(bird wings flapping)

（鳥翼扇動）