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  • - Hi, I'm Brittany Carney.

    - 嗨,我是布列塔尼-卡尼。

  • And I had botched period sex

    而我的經期性生活也不順利

  • with an economics teacher in Vermont.

    與佛蒙特州的一位經濟學老師。

  • I had to go to Burlington, Vermont for a few nights

    我得去佛蒙特州的伯靈頓住幾晚。

  • to perform standup comedy.

    來表演站立式喜劇。

  • I got my period, in the sky,

    我的月經來了,在天上。

  • which was frustrating timing as Vermont has no huts.

    這是令人沮喪的時機,因為佛蒙特州沒有小屋。

  • I really love Vermont.

    我真的很喜歡佛蒙特州。

  • It always sort of feels like

    它總是有點像

  • a Hallmark Christmas movie about a CBD entrepreneur.

    一部關於CBD企業家的Hallmark聖誕電影。

  • It was quaint, everything was blanketed in snow.

    它很古樸,一切都被白雪籠罩。

  • The air was frigid, smelled of pine,

    空氣很冷,有松樹的味道。

  • and tasted of Bernie's sweaty legacy,

    並品嚐了伯尼的汗青遺產。

  • a potent aphrodisiac.

    強效的春藥。

  • So I decided to rev up (engine revving)

    於是我決定提高轉速(發動機轉速)。

  • ye old Tinder engine.

    你的老火柴引擎。

  • And see what was popping on that platform.

    且看那平臺上的爆款是什麼。

  • I met up with a guy named, well, we'll call him Morgan

    我遇到了一個叫,嗯,我們叫他摩根的人。

  • after the Morgan horse, which is Vermont's state horse.

    以佛蒙特州的州馬--摩根馬為原型。

  • According to netstate.com.

    據網邦網報道。

  • Morgan was wearing plaid in his photograph.

    摩根在照片中穿著格子。

  • Tinder has taught me that red plaid

    火柴人告訴我,紅格子

  • transcends geographic and political spectrums.

    超越地理和政治範圍。

  • He was bald, but had a beanie,

    他是光頭,但有一頂小帽。

  • which is my favorite kind of bald.

    這是我最喜歡的一種光頭。

  • I'm drawn to the look

    我被它的外觀所吸引

  • with a sort of feathered, olive beanie.

    帶著一種羽毛狀的橄欖小帽。

  • We met up at an arcade bar.

    我們在一家街機酒吧見面。

  • We had beers, we laughed.

    我們喝著啤酒,笑著。

  • He was funny, smart and nice.

    他很幽默,很聰明,人也很好。

  • I imagine he still is.

    我想他現在還在。

  • I don't know, I was sort of wanting to connect

    我不知道,我是那種想連接到

  • with the environs, and I wound up at his place.

    與環境,我在他的地方結束了。

  • He leaned in for a kiss.

    他俯身吻了一下。

  • We were fingering each other's clavicles.

    我們在互相撫摸對方的鎖骨。

  • Let me just preface all this by saying

    首先我要說的是

  • that I don't really like period sex.

    我真的不喜歡經期性愛。

  • I've had it before, most guys, I find,

    我以前也有過這樣的經歷,大多數人,我發現。

  • don't mind either way.

    都無所謂

  • And then some politely do

    然後有些人禮貌地做

  • and seem sort of relieved when I'm like,

    並似乎有點鬆了一口氣,當我喜歡,

  • "Oh, can we wait a week?

    "哦,我們可以等一個星期嗎?

  • My uterus is expelling a wasted youth."

    我的子宮正在驅逐浪費的青春。"

  • I said, "Oh, by the way, it's that time of month."

    我說:"哦,對了,現在是每月的那個時候。"

  • He shrugged and suggested a towel,

    他聳聳肩,建議用毛巾。

  • which I actually took him up on,

    我居然把他的。

  • despite my usual preferences.

    儘管我平時喜歡。

  • After all, the green mountain state calls for adventure.

    畢竟,青山州叫人冒險。

  • We boned.

    我們的骨。

  • It was squealchier than usual, sure, but it was sex.

    固然比平時吱吱喳喳的,但這是性。

  • It was nice, it was fun.

    這很好,很有趣。

  • It was like slip and slide at Carrie's prom.

    就像在嘉莉的舞會上滑倒一樣。

  • When we finished, I sort of attempted to cutesily,

    當我們完成後,我有點試圖切磋一下。

  • shimmy off of the towel.

    從毛巾上跳下來。

  • And then he said, "Oh shit."

    然後他說,"哦,媽的。"

  • And I said, "What?"

    我說,"什麼?"

  • Which is the correct answer,

    哪個是正確答案。

  • according to the "Oxford Dictionary."

    根據 "牛津詞典"。

  • And he said, "The condom's gone.

    他說:"套子沒了。

  • I think it's inside of you."

    我想它就在你體內。"

  • We scanned the area and sure enough, it was gone.

    我們掃視了一下這個區域,果然,它不見了。

  • And likely inside of me.

    而且很可能在我體內。

  • I am not on birth control.

    我沒有采取避孕措施。

  • So this was cause for concern.

    所以這一點是值得關注的。

  • By the way, this precise thing had happened

    順便說一句,這件事也曾發生過

  • to me about 10 years before in a cabin on Thompson Island,

    10年前在湯普森島的一個小木屋裡對我說的。

  • off of Boston, and it later sort of expelled itself.

    波士頓的,後來它有點驅逐自己。

  • So I was like, "Oh, okay, I'm gonna go figure it out."

    所以我當時想,"哦,好吧,我要去弄清楚。"

  • And he was like, "Are you sure?"

    他說,"你確定嗎?"

  • And I was like, "Yeah."

    我當時想,"是啊。"

  • And then I pranced off to his bathroom

    然後我就跑到他的浴室裡去了

  • and I sat down on the toilet

    我坐在馬桶上

  • and tried to sort of dig around inside of my innards.

    並試圖在我的內臟裡挖出一些東西。

  • And I couldn't find it.

    而我卻找不到它。

  • I went back to his room, like a convincing Lady Macbeth.

    我回到了他的房間,像一個令人信服的麥克白夫人。

  • And I said, matter of factly,

    而我說,實事求是。

  • "I'll just figure it out."

    "我就想辦法。"

  • And he was like, "No, we're gonna find it."

    他說:"不,我們會找到它的。"

  • So then a near stranger, Morgan,

    所以後來一個近乎陌生的人,摩根。

  • had me bend over his bed, like in this sort of medical,

    讓我在他的床上彎下腰,就像在這種醫療。

  • slash science fiction, slash Dexter-like procedure.

    斜線科幻小說,斜線德克斯特般的程序。

  • But without a glove, because it was intimate emotionally.

    但沒有戴手套,因為這是親密的情感。

  • He kind of plunged inside of my body

    他那種插入我的身體裡的感覺

  • to ultimately extract the condom.

    以最終提取保險套。

  • He said, "Oh, I've got it."

    他說:"哦,我知道了。"

  • The wilted sack of his very seed

    枯萎的麻袋,他的種子。

  • fell from my canals and wetly hit the hardwood floor.

    從我的甬道上掉下來,溼漉漉地砸在硬木地板上。

  • And I can only describe what happened there

    而我只能描述那裡發生的事情

  • as sort of a frothy raspberry deluge.

    作為一種保麗龍的覆盆子洪水。

  • (waterfall crashing)

    (瀑布撞擊)

  • My reactions to that are threefold.

    我的反應有三點。

  • First, how amazing that our two fluids that form life,

    首先,我們的兩種液體形成生命,多麼神奇。

  • sort of married inside of me and my body,

    某種程度上說,我和我的身體裡面結婚了。

  • and I don't even know his last name.

    我甚至不知道他姓什麼。

  • Two, if I was 20 or even 25, maybe I'd feel mortified.

    二、如果我20歲甚至25歲,也許我會感到羞愧。

  • But in my early thirties, emotionally calloused,

    但在我三十出頭的時候,感情上就有了繭子。

  • I just sort of felt amused.

    我只是有點覺得好笑。

  • And then three, okay, why do I have to now experience

    然後三,好吧,為什麼我現在要經歷。

  • the side effects of Plan B and not him,

    B計劃的副作用,而不是他。

  • I guess patriarchy exists, even in Vermont.

    我想父權制是存在的,即使在佛蒙特州。

  • We cleaned up our merge of fluids on the floor,

    我們把地上的液體清理乾淨了。

  • I fell asleep on his towel.

    我在他的毛巾上睡著了。

  • I woke up, birds were chirping in,

    我醒來的時候,鳥兒都在鳴叫。

  • light was streaming in through his window.

    光線從他的窗外射入。

  • He gave me money for Plan B, which I later talk took

    他給了我B計劃的錢,我後來談了一下,他給了我錢。

  • with jasmine tea, in case Gaia was watching.

    用茉莉花茶,以防蓋亞在看。

  • So I left Vermont, and sure enough,

    所以我離開了佛蒙特州,果然。

  • one moon later I felt compelled to text him

    一個月後,我覺得不得不發短信給他。

  • and say, "What's up, hope you're doing well.

    並說:"怎麼了,希望你過得好。

  • Also it worked, I'm not the mother of your child."

    也成功了,我不是你孩子的母親。"

  • And he was like, "Oh, I forgot about that."

    他說:"哦,我忘了。"

  • In reflection, the main lesson for me

    反思中,我的主要體會是

  • is that I just don't really like period sex.

    是,我只是不喜歡經期性愛。

  • And in closing, I will offer you a passage

    最後,我將為大家提供一段話。

  • from the Vermont State Anthem.

    來自佛蒙特州州歌。

  • "These green hills and silver waters are my home.

    "這青山銀水是我的家。

  • They belong to me.

    他們屬於我。

  • And to all her sons and daughters be from my uterus free."

    她所有的兒女都從我的子宮裡獲得自由。"

  • (bird wings flapping)

    (鳥翼扇動)

- Hi, I'm Brittany Carney.

- 嗨,我是布列塔尼-卡尼。

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