welcome to "The Tonight Show."

歡迎來到 "今夜秀"。

[ Cheering and applause ] Yeah, you're here.

[歡呼和掌聲] 是啊，你在這裡。

[ Whistling ] Thank you very much.

[口哨]非常感謝你。

Well, guys, as much as we'd like to move on,

好了，夥計們，雖然我們很想繼續前進。

former President Trump is still in the news.

前總統特朗普還在新聞中。

We thought we drove him to a farm upstate,

我們以為我們開車送他去了北部的一個農場。

but he somehow found his way back home to the headlines.

但他卻以某種方式找到了回家的路，上了頭條。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Yeah, last night, House impeachment managers

是啊，昨晚，眾議院的彈劾經理...

delivered the impeachment article against Trump

遞交彈劾特朗普的文章

to the Senate.

向參議院提交。

If you missed it, here they are walking it over.

如果你錯過了，他們在這裡走過來了。

[ Camera shutters clicking continuously ]

[相機快門連續點擊]

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Okay, alright, okay, yeah, okay.

好吧，好吧，好吧，是的，好吧。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

After 45 minutes, they were like,

45分鐘後，他們就像。

"Wait, does anyone know where we're going?"

"等等，有人知道我們要去哪裡嗎？"

It's like, "No. I'm following you.

這就像，"不，我跟著你。

I thought you --" [ Laughter and applause ]

我以為你 --"[笑聲和掌聲]

Yeah, it turns out half of them were delivering the articles.

是啊，原來有一半的人是送稿的。

The other half were just getting in their steps.

另一半才剛剛邁開步子。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

I say forget impeachment.

我說，忘記彈劾吧。

Just having Trump make that walk

只是讓特朗普做了那個走

would be punishment enough.

會是足夠的懲罰。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

It looked like a wedding, when the deejay says,

看起來像一場婚禮，當司儀說。

"Table 6, you can go to the salad bar."

"6號桌，你可以去沙拉吧。"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Yeah, the walk was pretty long and drawn out.

是啊，走的時間挺長的，也挺拖沓的。

It kind of reminded me of something, though.

不過，這倒是讓我想起了一件事。

[ George Baker Selection's "Little Green Bag" plays ]

[George Baker Selection的 "小綠包 "劇目]

♪♪

♪♪

♪ Yeah ♪

# Yeah #

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

♪♪

♪♪

-♪ Lookin' for some happiness ♪

-"尋找幸福

♪ But there is only loneliness ♪

但只有孤獨

♪ To find ♪

要找到

[ Cheering and applause ]

[歡呼和掌聲]

[ Whistling ]

[口哨聲]

-I knew it.

-我就知道

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Well, speaking of the former president,

嗯，說到前總統，

sources in touch with Trump have said he's...

與特朗普有聯繫的消息人士說，他... ...

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Well, he was already out of his mind,

好吧，他已經瘋了。

so I guess, now, he's just bored.

所以我猜，現在，他只是無聊。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Apparently, playing 36 holes of golf every day

很顯然，每天打36個洞的高爾夫。

isn't as exciting when you're not ignoring a global pandemic.

當你不忽視全球大流行病的時候，就不會那麼興奮了。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

But today, Trump's aides were trying to cheer him up.

但今天，特朗普的助手們卻想讓他振作起來。

They were like, "Good news, sir.

他們說："好消息，先生。

Your trial starts in two weeks."

你的審判在兩週後開始。"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Meanwhile, President Biden's very busy

同時，拜登總統也很忙

and, today, he spoke with Vladimir Putin

而今天，他與弗拉基米爾-普京進行了交談。

for the first time since taking office.

上任以來首次。

As soon as the call began, Trump was like --

電話一開始，特朗普就像--。

[ As Trump ] I feel a disturbance in the force.

我感覺到了一股不安的力量。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

But this is good -- Biden actually pressed Putin

但這是好事... 拜登居然向普京施壓。

on last year's massive Russian cyber attack.

在去年俄羅斯大規模網絡攻擊。

Putin denied it, but it got weird when he was like --

普京否認了這一點，但它得到了奇怪的 當他像 -

[ As Putin ] By the way, nice purple tie.

對了，紫色的領帶很好看。

He's like, "Wait. We're not on Zoom.

他說，"等等，我們不是在Zoom上。我們不是在變焦。

How did you know that was...?"

你怎麼知道那是......？"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

I think you can tell Putin was used to talking to Trump

我想你可以看出普京已經習慣了和特朗普說話。

because, out of habit, he ended the call with --

因為，出於習慣，他在電話結束時說... ...

[ As Putin ] Love you, too.

我也愛你。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

[ Applause ]

[掌聲]

Some tech news -- I saw that Apple has issued

一些科技新聞--我看到蘋果公司已經發布了。

a new warning to customers. Listen to this.

對客戶的新警告。聽聽這個。

-An important health warning for all iPhone users.

-對所有iPhone用戶的重要健康警示。

Apple warns customers that the smartphones could interfere

蘋果公司警告顧客，智能手機可能會干擾

with medical devices, most notably, pacemakers.

與醫療設備，最主要的是心臟起搏器。

This is bad news for all the grandmothers

這對所有的奶奶們來說都是個壞消息。

who like to connect their iPhone to a chest mount

喜歡將iPhone連接到胸前支架上的人

when they do base jumping. You know what I'm saying?

當他們做基地跳躍。你知道我在說什麼嗎？

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

It'll be weird when a guy is like, "I love this phone.

當一個男人說 "我喜歡這款手機 "的時候，會很奇怪。

Hey, Siri, turn off my pacemaker."

嘿，Siri，關閉我的起搏器。"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

And get this -- I saw that Tyson Foods is releasing

而得到這個 - 我看到泰森食品正在釋放

heart-shaped chicken nuggets for Valentine's Day.

情人節的心形雞塊。

Or, as I always say, if you want to keep it classy,

或者，就像我常說的，如果你想保持優雅。

go with the standard scratch-off ticket and beef jerky.

用標準的刮刮樂票和牛肉乾去。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Seriously, that makes an edible arrangement

說真的，那是一種可食用的安排

look like a diamond necklace.

看起來像一條鑽石項鍊。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Yeah, you can sprinkle the nuggets on your bed

是啊，你可以把金塊撒在你的床上。

and then uncover her eyes and watch her as she says,

然後揭開她的眼睛，看著她說。

"I'm going to stay at my sister's."

"我要去我姐姐家住。"

[ Laughter and applause ]

[笑聲和掌聲]

But they're on your side of the bed, honey!

但他們在你的床邊，親愛的！

[ Applause ]

[掌聲]

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

I could hold you up by your legs

我可以扶著你的腿

and you could just eat them off like a --

你可以只吃他們關閉像一個 -

[ Laughter ] like a nugget stand,

[笑]像一個金塊站。

like a keg stand, but like a --

像一個啤酒桶的立場，但像一個 -

Like an anteater.

像食蟻獸。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Look, I won't judge, but if your Valentine's Day plan involves

聽著，我不會評判，但如果你的情人節計劃包括

the words dipping sauces,

蘸醬這兩個字。

you might want to rethink things.

你可能要重新考慮一下

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Speaking of food, Panera has created

說到食物，Panera創造了

a new Red Bull glove for customers.

為客戶提供了新的紅牛手套。

[ Laughter ] -[ Clapping ]

[笑聲] -[拍手]

-Yes! -For customers who drink

-是的！

iced coffee in the winter.

冬天的冰咖啡。

Look at that thing again. Look at that.

再看那個東西。看那個。

[ Laughter ] Look at that.

[笑]看那個。

Actually, I think the gloves are going to be a huge hit.

其實，我覺得手套會大受歡迎。

Check out who I saw wearing them today.

看看我今天看到誰穿的。

There you go.

這就對了

[ Laughter and applause ]

[笑聲和掌聲]

He had a double loaf.

他有一個雙面包。

Have you guys seen the slow Zoom interviews

你們有沒有看到Zoom的慢速採訪

that Vanity Fair does?

名利場做的？

They ask celebrities personal questions

他們會問名人一些私人問題

and a camera very slowly gets closer to their face.

和攝影機非常緩慢地靠近他們的臉。

They've done it with RuPaul, Tyra Banks.

他們和RuPaul、Tyra Banks都做過了。

They just did one with Billie Eilish.

他們剛剛和Billie Eilish做了一個。

And I actually did one, too, but,

而我其實也做了一個，但是。

they had me do a fast Zoom, instead.

他們讓我做一個快速變焦，而不是。

Here, take a look.

來，看一看。

-Fast Zoom interview with Jimmy Fallon.

-採訪Jimmy Fallon的Fast Zoom。

Take 1. [ Clack ]

拿1號。 [咔嗒]

-What's your favorite brand of toothpaste?

-你最喜歡的牙膏品牌是什麼？

-Um, gosh.

-嗯，天哪。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Crest? [ Beep, clack ]

嵴？[嗶嗶聲，嗒嗒聲]

-What's your favorite late night snack?

-你最喜歡的夜宵是什麼？

-Probably, uh --

-也許，呃...

it's probably frozen pizza, probably frozen pizza.

它可能是冷凍比薩餅， 可能是冷凍比薩餅。

[ Laughter ] -What's your favorite ice cream flavor?

你最喜歡什麼口味的冰激凌？

-I like mint chocolate chip.

-我喜歡薄荷巧克力片

-What kind of sandwiches do you like?

-你喜歡什麼樣的三明治？

-Hey, get -- This is how the interview goes?

-採訪就是這樣進行的？

[ Laughter ] [ Beep, clack ]

[笑聲] [嗶嗶聲，咔咔聲]

Hey, is my publicist here?

嘿，我的公關人員在嗎？

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Is this -- No, no, I don't want to do --

這是... 不，不，我不想做... ...

[ Laughter ] [ Bleep ]

[笑聲] [嗶嗶聲]

[ Speaks indistinctly ]

[說話含糊不清]

-How many slices will you eat,

-你要吃多少片。

if you're left to your own devices?

如果讓你自生自滅？

[ Laughter ] -I'd eat like two slices of pizza.

我吃了像兩片比薩餅。

-Great interview. Thank you so much.

-偉大的採訪。很好的採訪。 - 非常感謝你。

[ Laughter, whistling, and applause ]

[笑聲、口哨聲和掌聲]

-And, finally, a 12-year-old in Canada set a new world record

-最後，加拿大一個12歲的孩子創造了新的世界紀錄。

when he stacked 693 Jenga blocks

當他堆起693塊積木時

on top of a single vertical Jenga block.

在單個垂直的Jenga塊上面。

Here's a photo. Look at this.

這裡有一張照片。看看這個。

-Oh! -What?!

-什麼？

-That doesn't look like Jenga.

-這看起來不像積木。

That looks like a wooden shawarma spit.

這看起來像一個木製的沙瓦瑪痰。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Yeah. The Jenga stack was cool,

是啊。疊疊樂很酷。

until his little brother walked by and just went --

直到他的弟弟走過，只是去 -

[ Blows sharply ] [ Laughter and applause ]

[吹急了] [笑聲和掌聲]

[ Whistling ] Thank you so much for watching.

[口哨] 謝謝你這麼多的觀看。

We have a big show tonight.

我們今晚有一場大戲。

She's a guest star

她是一個客串的明星

on Season 4 of "Search Party" on HBO Max.

在HBO Max的《搜索黨》第四季中。

Susan Sarandon is here!

蘇珊-薩蘭登來了！

[ Cheering, whistling, and applause ]

[歡呼聲，口哨聲，和掌聲]。

Plus, we're going to talk about his charity,

另外，我們要談談他的慈善事業。

the JJ Watt Foundation.

JJ Watt基金會。

From the Houston Texans, JJ Watt is here!

休斯頓德州人隊的JJ-瓦特來了!

[ Cheering, whistling, and applause ]

[歡呼聲，口哨聲，和掌聲]。

And tonight is the night we have a performance

今晚是我們的表演之夜

from Thad Cockrell, everybody.

薩德-科克雷爾的，各位

[ Cheering, whistling, and applause ]

[歡呼聲，口哨聲，和掌聲]。

And we're very excited about this.

而我們對此非常興奮。

This is -- Oh, look at this.

這是... ... 哦，看看這個。

Pink vinyl. [ Audience murmuring ]

粉紅色的乙烯基。[觀眾淙淙]

"Ooh la la, Sasson."

"哦啦啦，薩森。"

This is the song that I heard

我聽到的就是這首歌

in a hardware store

在五金店

in quarantine, my first trip out in quarantine.

在隔離區，我第一次出動隔離區。

I went to the hardware store and I heard the song

我去了五金店，我聽到了這首歌。

and it sounded like

而且聽起來像

a George Harrison type of vibe or something to it.

一種喬治-哈里森式的氛圍或東西給它。

And I just Shazam'd it and I go, "What is this?"

我只是Shazam'd它，我去，"這是什麼？"

Swingin'.

搖擺"。

If we're going to go down, we're going to go down swinging.

如果我們要倒下，我們就會大搖大擺地倒下。

It is so good.

它是如此的好。

♪ 'Cause if we go ♪

"因為如果我們去

Let me just play a little because you're going to --

讓我玩一下，因為你要... ...

Already, just crank up your TVs already.

已經，已經調高電視的音量了。

Say about one 130, get in there, 120?

說一個130，進去，120？

♪♪

♪♪

Oh, no, no. Earlier.

哦，不，不。早些時候。

-♪ End that way ♪ -Here we go.

-我們走吧！

-♪ Just stay ♪ -Here we go. 1, 2, 3.

-我們走吧。1, 2, 3.

-♪ If I'm gonna go down ♪

-如果我要下去了

♪ I wanna go down swingin' ♪

我想下去搖擺'

♪ I wanna go down hard ♪

我想去硬下來

-I mean, dude, he hit the notes and everything. I was like --

-我的意思是，夥計，他打的音符和一切。我就像 --

♪ Wah da dee ♪

Wah da dee

And I was just doing that in the hardware store.

而我只是在五金店做的。

[ Laughter ] ♪ I wanna go down ♪

[笑聲] 我想下去

I should've been in the hammer section.

我應該是在錘子區。

-Yeah. -You know?

-是的 你知道嗎？

[ Laughter ] But I wasn't.

[笑]但我不是。

I was in the --

我是在...

I was in the screwdriver/ light switch section.

我當時在螺絲刀/電燈開關區。

[ Laughter ] -Yeah.

[笑] 是啊。

-I don't really know my way around.

-我真的不知道我的方式。

-I was wondering what you were

-我想知道你在做什麼

doing in the hardware store.

在五金店做。

[ Laughter ] -What do you mean,

[笑] 你是什麼意思？

what I was doing in the hardware store?

我在五金店做什麼？

I'm doing what any -You just needed --

我在做任何... 你只是需要...

-You needed someplace -man of the house does.

-to drive your truck to, just --

-把你的卡車開到，只是...

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

-Well, my driver took the truck there and...

-我的司機把卡車開到那裡，然後... ...

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

...I said, "Pierre, you're going a little fast,

...我說，"皮埃爾，你開得有點快了。

[ Laughter ] don't you think?"

[笑]你不覺得嗎？"

-French driver. -I said, "Slow down."

-法國司機-我說："慢一點"

I have a French driver, yeah.

我有一個法國司機，是的。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

I was like, "Slow down.

我當時想，"慢點說。

You're making me a little sick.

你讓我有點噁心。

My caviar's about to come out."

我的魚子醬就要出來了。"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

No, yeah, I took the truck.

不，是的，我把卡車。

You know, I do like, you know, like --

你知道，我喜歡，你知道，喜歡 -

you know, like you slide into the window

你知道，就像你滑入窗口

to get in the truck.

上了卡車。

-Yeah. -Yeah. I go in through the roof,

-是的，我從屋頂進去了

the sunroof. [ Laughter ]

天窗。[笑聲]

-Really? -Yeah.

-真的嗎？真的？ - 是的

I leave the sunroof open and I hop into it

我把天窗打開，然後跳進裡面去

like Super Mario.

像超級馬里奧。

[ Laughter ] -On a 4x4?

[笑] 在4x4上？

-It's a 4x4, yeah. -Wow.

-這是一個四輪驅動，是的。-哇哦

-I mean -- -That's impressive.

-我是說...

I don't know. 4x4? Sure.

我不知道，四輪驅動？4x4?當然可以。

[ Laughter ] Four wheels.

[笑]四輪。

4x4 -- like yeah. -It's a hell of a jump.

四輪驅動...-這是一個地獄的跳躍。

You have an incredible vertical, if you do that.

你有一個令人難以置信的垂直，如果你這樣做。

-It's a cube. It's 4 foot by 4 feet truck.

-這是一個立方體。這是一個立方體。 這是4英尺乘4英尺的卡車。

-Oh.

-哦

-Oh, no. I jump from the second floor.

-哦，不，我從二樓跳下來我從二樓跳下來

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

I jump out the bedroom window and land in my truck.

我從臥室的窗戶跳出去，落在我的卡車上。

And then, it's already gotten onto a song

然後，它已經上了一首歌。

and I cruised out, went to the hardware store

和我巡遊出去，去五金店。

to get a light switch, like this, like a lamp switch.

要弄一個燈的開關，像這樣，像燈的開關。

-Hm.

-嗯

[ Laughter ] -Yeah.

[笑] 是啊。