EVERYBODY.

每個人。

LET'S SAY HELLO TO OUR HAPPY FRIEND, MR. JON BATISTE.

讓我們向我們的快樂的朋友，先生問好。JON BATISTE.

JON, YOU LOOK VERY, VERY HAPPY RIGHT NOW.

喬恩，你現在看起來非常，非常高興。

WHAT'S GOING ON?

發生了什麼事？

( SCATTING ) ♪ T IN THIS WORLD WITH A LOT OF

在這個世界上，有很多的

PROBLEMMED ♪ OH, MY GOODNESS, I'VE GOT A SONG

哦，我的天啊，我有一首歌曲。

IN HIGH HEART RIGHT NOW.

在高心現在。

I'VE GOT A SONG IN MY HEART.

我心裡有首歌。

>> Stephen: I WAS REALLY MOVED.

>> Stephen:我真的被感動了。

I WAS REALLY MOVED TO SEE THE BIDENS LAND AT ANDREWS.

我看到安德魯斯的比登斯地，真的很感動。

LIKE, IT'S REAL, IT'S GOING TO HAPPEN, MAN YOU.

喜歡，這是真實的，它會發生，男人你。

>> Jon: YOU KNOW IT'S HAPPENING BECAUSE WE PUT IN THE

>> 喬恩：你知道發生了什麼事，因為我們放進去了。

WORK TO MAKE IT HAPPEN.

努力讓它發生。

>> Stephen: THAT'S RIGHT.

>> Stephen:這是正確的。

>> Jon: AND IF WE KEEP PUTTING IN THE WORK, IT WILL CONTINUE TO

>> 喬恩如果我們繼續投入工作，它就會繼續下去

GET BETTER.

變得更好。

AD THAT'S WHAT I'M BELIEVING.

這就是我所相信的。

I'M STANDING ON THAT.

我站在那。

>> Stephen: YOU KNOW WHAT I APPRECIATE?

>> Stephen:你知道我欣賞什麼嗎？

THE MEMORIAL CEREMONY THAT HE AND FUTURE FIRST LADY HELD TODAY

他和未來第一夫人今天舉行的追悼會。

AT THE REFLECTING POOL AT THE LINCOLN MEMORIAL TODAY FOR THOSE

今天在林肯紀念館的反射池，為這些人舉行的

WHO WERE LOST TO COVID.

誰失去了COVID。

IT'S A SIMPLE, BEAUTIFUL GESTURE THAT IS THE FIRST STAGE OF THE

這是一個簡單而美麗的GESTURE，是一個簡單而美麗的GESTURE的第一階段。

NATION HEALING.

民族復興：

>> Jon: EXACTLY.

>> 喬恩。正是如此。

TO SHOW ACKNOWLEDGMENT AND WRENCHANCE TOWARDS EVERYTHING

表明對一切事物的認識和決心。

THAT'S HAPPENED AND NOT JUST SKIP OVER IT.

這是發生了，而不是隻是跳過它。

I THINK WE HAVE A LOT OF HEALING TO DO, BUT THAT'S THE MOST

我想我們還有很多事情要做，但這是最重要的。

IMPORTANT STEP AFTER WHAT WE HAD IN 2021.

我們在2021年的事情之後的重要一步。

>> Stephen: JON CAN YOU GIVE US A LITTLE MORE OF THAT HAPPY

>> 喬恩：你能給我們多一點快樂的感覺嗎？

FEEL AS WE GO ON ♪ IN THIS WORLD

感覺我們繼續在這個世界上。

WITH A LOT OF PROBLEMS ♪ ALL WE NEED IS A LITTLE LOVING

有很多問題 我們需要的只是一點點的愛

THANK YOU, THANK YOU, FOR YOUR LOVE, MR. COLBERT

謝謝你，謝謝你，為了你的愛，科爾伯特先生。

OH, YEAH ♪ >> Stephen: JON BATISTE,

哦，是的>>斯蒂芬。JON BATISTE,

EVERYBODY.

每個人。

THANK YOU, JON.

謝謝你，喬恩。

( LAUGHING ) FOLKS, YOU KNOW, I SPEND MOST OF

夥計們，你知道，我花了大部分的時間

MY TIME WITH A SNIFTER OF FINE ARMAGNAC AT MY ELBOW, LAYING OUT

我的時間，用一把細長的阿馬尼亞克刀在我的肘部，鋪開了。

THE NEWSIEST, MOST COMPELLING PLOTS, CONSTRUCTING THE MOST

最新潮、最吸引人的劇情，構築最強的劇情。

TOPICAL CHARACTERS, AND COMPOSING THE TIMELIEST LYRICAL

主題人物，並創作出最時髦的抒情詩。

METAPHORS TO BRING YOU THE PULITZER-WORTHY MAGNUM OPUS OF A

為您帶來《普利策獎》的主題曲《隱喻》。

NOVEL THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.

小說，這是我的獨白。

BUT SOMETIMES, SOMETIMES I LIKE TO POUND A RACK OF BOOTLEG FOUR

但有時，有時我喜歡敲打一排長腿四號，

LOKO, DEFACE A BUNCH OF CUTOUTS FROM FASHIONS MAGS WITH A

LOKO，為時尚雜誌上的一大堆時裝剪裁打掩護。

SHARPIE AND SLAP 'EM TOGETHER WITH GLUE STICKS, THEN HIJACK MY

用利器把它們用膠水棒粘起來，然後把我的衣服扣起來。

BROTHER-IN-LAW'S OFFICE PRINTER AND RUN DOWN THE TONER, CRANKING

姐夫的辦公室打印機，然後順著調色板，嘎吱嘎吱地響。

OUT THE DERANGED, UNDERGROUND 'ZINE OF NEWS THAT IS MY

出了變態的，地下的新聞雜誌，這是我的。

SEGMENT: >> QUARANTINE-WHILE.

段：>>量子化---------------------------。

>> Stephen: QUARANTINE-WHILE, IF YOU'RE STILL NOT SURE WHAT TO DO

>> Stephen:夸特林--如果你還不知道該怎麼做的話

WITH YOUR LOVED ONE ON VALENTINES, THERE'S SOME GREAT

與你的夫妻在情人節，有一些偉大的。

NEWS: "WHITE CASTLE IS TRANSFORMING

新聞："白宮正在轉型

RESTAURANTS INTO DRIVE-INS FOR THE NIGHT," COMPLETE WITH

餐館變成夜間的汽車旅館"，包括以下內容

"CARHOP SERVICE."

"CARHOP服務。"

THE WAY YOU CELEBRATE VALENTINES SENDS A MESSAGE.

你慶祝情人節的方式傳遞了一個資訊。

AND WHITE CASTLE IS THE PERFECT WAY TO SAY, "OUR LOVE IS

而白色城堡是說 "我們的愛是 "的最佳方式。

GRATIFYING IN THE SHORT TERM, BUT I WILL LOSE INTEREST AS SOON

在短期內是值得欣慰的，但我將盡快失去興趣。

AS I AM NO LONGER HIGH."

"因為我已經不高了。"

IT'S A BIG NIGHT FOR THEM, AND ACCORDING TO A SPOKESPERSON,

對他們來說，這是一個重要的夜晚， 據一位發言人說，

"WHITE CASTLE WILL BECOME LOVE CASTLE," BECAUSE THE ONLY THING

"白色城堡會變成愛情城堡" 因為只有一個東西

THAT GETS YOU IN THE MOOD FASTER THAN A MEAL AT WHITE CASTLE IS

比在白宮吃一頓飯更能讓你心情舒暢的是

TO BE TRAPPED IN A CAR WITH SOMEONE WHO JUST HAD A MEAL AT

被困在一輛車裡，和一個剛吃過飯的人在一起

WHITE CASTLE.

白色城堡：

QUARANTINE-WHILE, "OSCAR MEYER IS SEEKING NEW DRIVERS FOR ITS

QUARANTINE-WHILE，"OSCAR MEYER正在尋找新的驅動力，為我的產品提供新的動力。

FAMOUS WEINERMOBILE."

著名的WEINERMOBILE。"

THEY ARE LOOKING FOR RECENT COLLEGE GRADUATES TO TAKE ON THE

他們正在尋找應屆大學畢業生，以採取的

ONE-YEAR PAID JOB CRISSCROSSING THE COUNTRY IN THE ICONIC

一年的帶薪工作，在全國各地的標誌性建築中縱橫馳騁。

27-FOOT-LONG HOT-DOG-SHAPED VEHICLE.

27英尺長的熱狗型車。

BECAUSE NOTHING SAYS "THANK YOU, MOM AND DAD, FOR WORKING YOUR

因為沒有什麼比 "感謝你，爸爸媽媽，為你的工作 "更重要的了。

ENTIRE LIVES SO THAT I COULD GET A B.F.A. IN MUSICAL THEATRE,"

整個生活，所以我可以得到一個B.F.A.在音樂戲劇，"

QUITE LIKE SPENDING A YEAR DRIVING A BEEF STICK LIMOUSINE.■

相當於花了一年的時間，開了一年的牛棒LEMOUSINE.■。

THE GIG PROMISES ALL SORTS OF ADVENTURE.

GIG保證各種冒險。

IN FACT, ONE OF LAST YEAR'S DRIVERS "EVEN PROPOSED TO HIS

事實上，去年的一個司機 "甚至向他的妻子提出了建議。

GIRLFRIEND WHILE ON THE ROAD."

女朋友在路上的時候。"

BUT IF PROPOSING IN THE WIENERMOBILE DOESN'T FEEL

但是，如果在WIENERMOBILE中提出的感覺不

ROMANTIC ENOUGH, YOU CAN ALWAYS TAKE HER TO THE DRIVE-THRU AT

足夠浪漫，你可以隨時帶她去汽車修理廠。

WHITE CASTLE.

白色城堡：

( LAUGHTER ) QUARANTINE-WHILE, UNLESS YOU

（笑） 量子化，除非你

LIVE UNDER A ROCK, YOU ARE ALREADY ALARMINGLY AWARE OF

住在岩石下，你已經警惕地意識到了

GWYNETH PATLROW'S GOOP CANDLE■ç THAT PROMISES TO SMELL LIKE HER

GWYNETH PATLROW's GO OP CANDLE■ç，保證聞起來像她的味道。

VAGINA.

陰道：

BUT I'M THE WEIRDO IF I ENTER SOMEONE'S HOME AND ASK, "IS IS

但我是怪人，如果我進入別人的家，並問，"是是是"。

ME, OR DOES IT SMELL LIKE GWYNETH PALTROW'S VAGINA IN

我，或者它聞起來像 GWYNETH PALTROW的陰道在

HERE?" ( LAUGHTER )

這裡？" (笑聲)

AND I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M SAYING THIS.

我不能相信我在說這個。

BUT YOU MIGHT NOT WANT TO BUY THE CANDLE THAT SMELLS LIKE

但你可能不想買那支聞起來像蠟燭的蠟燭。

GWYNETH PALTROW'S VAGINA BECAUSE "ONE OF HER VAGINA

GWYNETH PALTROW的陰道，因為 "她的一個陰道"。

CANDLES REPORTEDLY EXPLODED IN A U.K. WOMAN'S HOME."

據報道，蠟燭在一個英國女人的家裡爆炸了。"

A SHOCKING STORY THAT THREATENS THE ENTIRE VAGINA-SCENTED CANDLE

一個令人震驚的故事，威脅到了整個陰道香薰蠟燭。

INDUSTRY.

工業：

ACCORDING TO THE HOMEOWNER, "THE CANDLE EXPLODED AND EMITTED HUGE

據房主說，"蠟燭爆炸併發出巨大的聲音。

FLAMES, WITH BITS FLYING EVERYWHERE."

火焰，與比特飛到處。"

WHICH IS WHY SAFETY-MINDED CONSUMERS PREFER TO STICK WITH

這也是為什麼有安全意識的消費者更願意堅持使用 "安全 "的產品的原因。

YANKEE CANDLE'S AUTUMN LABIA.

YANKEE CANDLE'S AUTUMN LABIA.

( LAUGHTER ) QUARANTINE-WHILE, "NESTLE HAS

(笑) 夸父，"NESTLE有"。

RECALLED 762,000 POUNDS OF HOT POCKETS BECAUSE THEY MAY HAVE

召回762,000磅熱水袋，因為它們可能有。

GLASS AND PLASTIC INSIDE."

玻璃和塑膠的內部。"

OKAY, BUT THEY STILL HAVE CHEESE, RIGHT?

好吧，但他們仍然有奶酪，對不對？

THE COMPANY IS WARNING CUSTOMERS THAT THE HOT POCKETS CONTAINING

本公司警告客戶，熱袋中含有

GLASS AND PLASTIC ARE DANGEROUS, THOUGH STILL NOT AS DANGEROUS

玻璃和塑膠是危險的，但仍然沒有那麼危險。

AS EATING THEM STRAIGHT OUT OF THE MICROWAVE.

就像吃它們直接從微波爐裡出來一樣。

STILL, PRETTY SHOCKING, AND SOME SERIOUS COMPETITION FOR ORE

仍然，非常令人震驚，並且對礦石有一些嚴重的競爭。

IDA'S GLASS AND PLASTIC-INOS.

IDA's GLASS AND PLASTIC-INOS.

QUARANTINE-WHILE, THIS IS THE KIND OF NEWS I'M HOPING TO SPEND

QUARANTINE--雖然，這是我希望度過的那種新聞。

MORE TIME THINKING ABOUT IN 2021.

更多的時間思考在2021年。

BECAUSE IN WAYLAND, MASSACHUSETTS, "LIBRARIANS ARE

因為在馬薩諸塞州的韋蘭德，"圖書館員是：

MYSTIFIED BY POTATOES GATHERING ON THE LIBRARY'S FRONT LAWN."

被圖書館前草坪上聚集的洋芋嚇到了。"

I THINK THE WORD YOU'RE LOOKING FOR IS "ACCUMULATING," OR

我想你要找的詞是 "積累"，或者是...

"GATHERING" IMPLIES THEY'RE RESPONDING TO SOME SORT OF

"聚集 "意味著他們正在響應某種形式的。

PRIMAL POTATO CALL TO ASSEMBLE FOR THE GREAT POTATO UPRISING.

PRIMAL POTATO CALL TO ASSEMBLE FOR THE GREAT POTATO UPRISING.

"ARISE, FELLOW TUBERS!

"起來，親愛的管子們!

NEVER AGAIN WILL THEY SPRINKLE US WITH CHIVES!"

他們再也不會給我們撒上韭菜了！"

"THE CREAM MAY BE SOUR BUT OUR REVENGE WILL BE SWEET!"

"奶油是我們的，但我們的復仇會很甜蜜！"

THE LIBRARIANS HAVE BEEN SHAKEN BY WHAT THEY REFER TO AS "RANDOM

圖書館館員們被他們所說的 "隨意 "震撼了。

POTATOES."

洋芋。"

YES, RANDOM.

是的，隨機的。

THESE POTATOES ARE NEITHER EXPECTED NOR ORDERLY!

這些洋芋既不是預期的，也不是有序的!

THESE ARE TATERS OF CHAOS!

這些都是混亂的毒蛇！

ACCORDING TO REPORTS, LIBRARY "DIRECTOR SANDY RAYMOND FOUND

據報道，圖書館 "館長SANDY RAYMOND發現了"。

THE FIRST TUBER MONDAY DURING A WALK AROUND THE LIBRARY GROUNDS.

繞著圖書館的地盤走了一圈後，第一個管子星期一。

SHE DISCOVERED THE SECOND WHILE GETTING HER STEPS IN TUESDAY."

"她在週二上臺階時發現了第二件事"

THAT'S HOW VICIOUS THIS CRIME IS!

這就是這種犯罪的凶殘程度!

SHE'S TRYING GET HER STEPS IN, AND SOME SICKO IS TAUNTING HER

她試圖得到她的步驟，和一些SICKO是TAUNTING她。

WITH CARBS!

與碳水化合物！

AND YOU KNOW WE'RE ONLY HEARING ABOUT THIS BECAUSE OF THE SECOND

你知道我們只聽說過這個，因為第二個

POTATO.

POTATO.

IF IT WAS ONE POTATO, THE MAINSTREAM MEDIA WOULD

如果它是一個洋芋，主流媒體將：

COMPLETELY IGNORE IT.

完全不理會它。

BUT TWO POTATOES, THAT'S A CLEAR PATTERN OF POTERRORISM.

但兩個洋芋，這是一個明確的模式 惡作劇。

TO AID LAW ENFORCEMENT, THE PRESS HAS RELEASED THIS PHOTO OF

為協助執法，新聞界發佈了這張照片。

THE LIBRARY AND THE POTATO-VIOLATED LAWN WITH THE

圖書館和被洋芋侵犯的草坪，與《公約》的關係

HELPFUL CAPTION, "ARROWS INDICATE WHERE POTATOES ARE."

有用的標題，"箭頭訓示哪裡有洋芋。"

THAT'S RIGHT, "ARE"!

沒錯，"是"！

LEAVE THEM THERE.

把它們留在那裡。

DON'T TOUCH THE CRIME SCENE!

不要碰犯罪現場！

TAPE IT OFF.

把它錄下來。

FORENSICS ARE ON THE WAY OVER WITH SOUR CREAM AND BACON BITS!

鑑證科是在路上結束與OUR CREAM和麵包片！

THE LIBRARIANS ALSO STATED, "NONE OF US CAN IMAGINE HOW

圖書館館長還說："我們誰也無法想象如何

THEY GOT THERE."

他們到了那裡。"

IT'S UNIMAGINABLE!

難以想象！

OH, YOU MIGHT BE SAYING, "UH, DROPPED BY WALKING OR

哦，你可能會說，"呃，走路摔倒或

THROWN FROM A CAR ARE, LIKE, THE ONLY TWO OPTIONS, RIGHT?"

從汽車上扔下來的，好像只有兩個選擇，對吧？"

WELL, SNAP OUT OF IT!

好了，打起精神來！

IT CANNOT BE EXPLAINED.

它無法解釋。

DID YOU EVEN CONSIDER THAT IT COULD BE THE SASQUATCH?

你有沒有考慮過這可能是SASQUATCH？

YOU NEVER SEE A PHOTO OF BIGFOOT WITH A POTATO.

你永遠不會看到大腳和洋芋的照片。

NO, WHY?

不，為什麼？

BECAUSE HE DROPPED HIS SPUDS AT THE LIBRARY!

因為他在圖書館丟了菸頭！

AND, AGAIN, KEEP IN MIND, THIS STORY IS NOT OVER.

還有，再一次，請記住，這個故事還沒有結束。

THERE'S MORE POTATO STORY COMING.

還有更多的洋芋故事即將到來。

>> IN THE PATROL OF FULL DISCLOSURE I THINK I

>>在全面披露的巡邏中，我想我... ...

BECAUSE IF YOU THINK THIS IS JUST SOME FUNNY, ISOLATED LITTLE

因為如果你認為這只是一些有趣的，孤立的小。

POTATO INCIDENT, YOU'RE SHOULD REVEAL

洋芋事件，你應該揭開面紗

SHOULD REVEAL THAT "POTATO OCCURRENCES" WAS THE NAME OF MY

應該揭露 "洋芋事件 "是我的名字。

COLLEGE POETRY SLAM COLLECTIVE.

學院詩歌大滿貫收藏。

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH STAR OF "OUR FRIEND," JASON SEGEL.

我們馬上回來，"我們的朋友 "的明星，賈森・塞格爾。