I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.

我是你的主播，史蒂芬-科爾伯特。

HAPPY MARTIN LUTHER KING DAY, WHEN WE CELEBRATE A GREAT LEADER

馬丁-路德-金日快樂，我們將在這一天慶祝一位偉大的領袖。

WHO LED A MARCH ON WASHINGTON THAT DIDN'T END WITH ME HAVING

誰上司的華盛頓遊行，沒有結束我有

TO LEARN ABOUT SOMEONE NAMED "Q-SHAMAN."

瞭解一個叫 "Q -SHAMAN "的人。

ON WEDNESDAY, JOE BIDEN WILL BE INAUGURATED AS THE 46TH

本週二，喬-比登將就任第46任總統。

PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES!

美國總統！

COME ON, BABY!

來吧，寶貝！

BUT AFTER THE SACKING OF THE U.S. CAPITOL, AUTHORITIES HAVE

但在美國首都被洗劫之後，各機構已經在美國首都被洗劫。

CALLED IN 25,000 NATIONAL GUARD TROOPS.

召集了25000名國民警衛隊。

SO, OFFICIALLY, THIS IS NOT A PEACEFUL TRANSITION OF POWER,

所以，官方的說法是，這不是一個和平的權力交接。

AND THEY'VE HAD TO UPDATE THE SIGN HANGING IN AMERICA'S BREAK

他們不得不更新了掛在美國休息區的標語。

ROOM TO THIS.

房間到這。

THE TROOPS HAVE SHUT DOWN FOUR MAJOR BRIDGES LEADING INTO

軍隊已經關閉了四條主要的橋樑，通往...

DOWNTOWN D.C., SET UP A FORTIFIED PERIMETER THAT

在華盛頓特區的市中心，設置一個堅固的周邊環境，以便

ENCOMPASSES THE CAPITOL, WHITE HOUSE AND PORTIONS OF DOWNTOWN,

包括首都，白宮和部分市中心。

AND CLOSED THE NATIONAL MALL.

並關閉了國家商場。

CLOSED THE NATIONAL MALL!?

國立商場關門了！？

NOW WHERE ARE WE SUPPOSED TO GET OUR NATIONAL WETZEL'S PRETZELS?

現在，我們應該在哪裡得到我們的全國性的韋澤爾甜餅？

DEFENSE OFFICIALS ARE SO WORRIED ABOUT AN INSIDE ATTACK ON OUR

防衛官員非常擔心我們的內線攻擊。

INCOMING LEADERS THAT THEY'VE ASKED THE F.B.I. TO VET ALL OF

即將上任的領導人說，他們已經要求聯邦調查局審查所有的人。

THE 25,000 NATIONAL GUARD TROOPS COMING INTO WASHINGTON.

25,000名國民警衛隊進入華盛頓。

OKAY, THAT'S A GOOD IDEA, BUT I HAVE A BETTER IDEA: MAYBE

好吧，這是個好主意，但我有個更好的主意：也許吧。

INVESTIGATE THEM BEFORE YOU GIVE THEM AUTOMATIC WEAPONS AND

在你給他們自動武器之前，先調查他們，然後再給他們。

HAVE THEM SLEEP OUTSIDE OF NANCY PELOSI'S OFFICE.

讓他們在南希-佩洛西的辦公室外睡覺。

IT'S JUST A THOUGHT.

這只是一個想法。

INCREASED SECURITY MEASURES ARE ALREADY PAYING OFF.

加強安全措施已見成效。

THIS WEEKED, LAW ENFORCEMENT ARRESTED A 22-YEAR-OLD VIRGINIA

本週，執法部門逮捕了一名22歲的弗吉尼亞州人。

MAN CARRYING A FIREARM AND A WOMAN CLAIMING TO BE A LAW

攜帶火器的男子與自稱是法律工作者的婦女之間的關係。

ENFORCEMENT OFFICER AND PART OF THE PRESIDENTIAL CABINET.

執法官員和總統內閣成員。

GET YOUR STORY STRAIGHT, LADY!

把你的故事說清楚，女士！

YOU CAN'T BE BOTH.

你不能兩者兼得。

"YOU CAN'T DETAIN ME!

"你不能拘留我!

OH, YOU'RE GOING TO BE IN BIG TROUBLE WHEN THEY FIND OUT YOU

哦，你會在大麻煩，當他們發現你的

ARRESTED POLICE CHIEF SECRETARY OF THE INTERIOR PRESIDENT JAMES

被拘捕的警員 內務部祕書長

T. KIRK OF THE STAR SHIP 'ENTERPRISE.'

"企業號 "星艦的T. KIRK。

NOW, LET ME IN!" THE WOMAN'S RUSE WAS NOT VERY

現在，讓我進去！"那女人的詭計並不高明。

THOUGHT-THROUGH.

思考過的。

WHEN ASKED TO PROVIDE CREDENTIALS, SHE TOOK OUT A

當被要求提供證明材料時，她拿出了一張。

MILITARY POLICE CHALLENGE COIN.

軍警挑戰幣。

ANYONE CAN HAVE ONE OF THOSE.

任何人都可以擁有其中的一個。

THEY JUST GIVE THEM OUT.

他們只是把它們送出去。

IT'S NOT A VALID FORM OF I.D.

這不是一個有效的ID形式。

THAT WOULD BE LIKE SHOWING UP AT A HOSPITAL AND SAYING, "I'M A

這就像出現在醫院，並說，"我是一個。

DOCTOR AND TO PROVE IT, HERE'S MY PRESCRIPTION FOR LIBRIUM, IT

醫生，為了證明這一點，這是我對LIBRIUM的表述，它是：

HAS MY NAME ON IT AND EVERYTHING.

有我的名字在它和一切。

NOW, BEND OVER AND TRY TO RELAX."

現在，彎下腰，試著放鬆一下。"

AND WE'RE LEARNING JUST HOW DANGEROUS THE RIOT WAS THANKS TO

而我們正在瞭解究竟有多危險的暴動是由於。

SOME NEW VIDEO POSTED THIS WEEKEND BY "THE NEW YORKER."

一些新的視頻發佈本週末 由 "紐約客"。

THEY ALSO ANNOUNCED THEIR NEW CAPTION CONTEST: THE Q-ANON

他們還宣佈了他們的新標題比賽：Q-ANON。

SHAMAN WITH HIS DOG PSYCHIATRIST.

巫師與他的狗心理醫生。

THE WINNER?

贏家？

"YOU'RE GOING TO JAIL."

"你要進監獄了"

IN "THE NEW YORKER'S" VIDEO, THE BLOODLUST OF THE RIOTERS IS

在 "紐約人 "的視頻中，暴亂者的血性是：

PALPABLE.

PALPABLE。

>> TREASON!

>> TREASON!

TREASON!

叛徒！

TREASON!

叛徒！

TREASON!

叛徒！

TREASON!

叛徒！

>> STEPHEN: THAT'S NICE OF THEM TO BE CLEAR ABOUT WHAT THEY'RE

>> 他們很好，明確了他們的目的。

THERE TO DO.

在那裡做。

IT'S LIKE ME WALKING INTO A BARNES AND NOBLE SHOUTING, "TIME

就像我走進Barnes and NOBLE大喊："時間"。

TO PRETEND TO LOOK AT A FEW THINGS, THEN ASK TO USE THE

假裝看了幾件事情，然後要求使用。

BATHROOM, BABY!" IN THE FOOTAGE, WE SEE THE MAGA

在鏡頭中，我們看到了馬加爵。

MOB ON THE SENATE FLOOR RIFLING THROUGH DOCUMENTS:

參議院議員席上的暴徒在翻閱文件。

>> THERE'S GOTTA BE SOMETHING IN HERE WE CAN ( BLEEP ) USE

>> 這裡面一定有我們可以使用的東西。

AGAINST THESE SCRUM BAGS.

反對這些SCRUM BAGS。

>> STEPHEN: YEAH, THERE IS SOMETHING WE CAN USE AGAINST

>> 是的，這就是我們可以用來對付的東西。

THESE SCUMBAGS.

這些人渣。

IT'S THIS VIDEO, YOU SCUMBAGS.

就是這個視頻，你這個人渣。

AND THESE FELLOWS AREN'T EXACTLY THE SHARPEST HORNS ON THE

而這些人並不是最鋒利的角，他們也不是最鋒利的角。

HEADDRESS.

地址：

HERE'S WHAT HAPPENED WHEN THEY FOUND TED CRUZ'S BINDER.

這是他們發現TED CRUZ的行李箱時發生的事情。

>> THIS, HERE LOOK, HERE LOOK.

>> 這，這裡看，這裡看。

>> TED CRUZ'S OBJECTION TO THE ARIZONA--

>> 特德-克魯茲對亞利桑那州的反對意見-----。

>> HIS OBJECTION.

>> 他的意見：

HE WAS GONNA SELL US OUT ALL ALONG.

他要把我們全部賣掉。

>> REALLY?

>> 真的嗎？

WHAT?

什麼？

>> LOOK.

>> 看。

OBJECTION TO COUNTING THE ELECTORAL VOTES OF THE STATE OF

反對計算美國的選舉票數。

ARIZONA.

亞利桑那州：

>> CAN I GET A PHOTO OF THAT?

>> 我能拍張照片嗎？

>> WAIT, NO, THAT'S A GOOD THING--

>> 等等，不，那是好事... ...

>> ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

>> 所有的權利，所有的權利。

>> STEPHEN: THESE ARE THE DUMBEST PEOPLE TO ATTEMPT AN

>> 這些人是最愚蠢的人，他們試圖試圖

INSURRECTION SINCE FAILED LINCOLN ASSASSIN, JOHN WILKES

失敗的林肯刺客約翰-威爾克斯的保險業。

DOOF.

DOOF。

I DON'T WANT TO SAY THESE GUYS ARE STUPID, BUT THEY CARRIED A

我不想說這些傢伙是愚蠢的，但他們攜帶了一個。

FLAG THAT READ, "SAY HELLO TO MY CAT."

旗幟上寫著 "向我的貓問好"

YOU KNOW WHAT ALSO DOESN'T LOOK GOOD?

你知道什麼也不好看嗎？

YOUR HEADGEAR.

YOUR HEADGEAR.

IT'S PROOF THEY NEVER PLANNED ON BEING PEACEFUL, OR THAT THEIR

這證明他們從來沒有計劃和平，或者說他們的

FONTANELLES NEVER CLOSED.

芳塔內爾從未關閉過。

GENERALLY, YOU DON'T WEAR A HELMET UNLESS YOU'RE PREPARED

一般來說，除非你有準備，否則不要戴上安全帽。

FOR VIOLENCE.

為暴力。

IT'S NEVER A GOOD SIGN IF YOU GO ON A BLIND DATE AND GET A TEXT

如果你在盲目的約會中得到一個簡訊，這絕不是一個好兆頭。

THAT READS, "JUST GOT HERE, I'M SITTING AT THE BAR.

那讀，"剛到這裡，我坐在酒吧。

I'M THE GUY WEARING A HELMET."

我是那個戴著頭盔的傢伙。"

SOURCES SAY THAT TOMORROW, ON HIS LAST FULL DAY IN OFFICE, THE

有消息稱，明天，在他上任的最後一個全天中，他的

PRESIDENT IS PREPARED TO ISSUE AROUND 100 PARDONS AND

主席準備頒發100多份赦免令，並將其作為一項重要的措施。

COMMUTATIONS.

換算：

WHY SO MANY?

為什麼這麼多？

WELL, THERE'S REPORTEDLY A LUCRATIVE MARKET FOR PARDONS.

據報道，有一個有利的市場 赦免。

FINALLY, POTUS IS RUNNING A BUSINESS THAT MAKES MONEY.

終於，總統在經營一家賺錢的公司。

HE'S CALLING IT, "THE OLIVE PARDON."

他叫它 "橄欖赦免"。

WHEN YOU'RE HERE, YOU'RE A CRIME FAMILY.

當你在這裡的時候，你是一個犯罪的家庭。

ON PARDON PEDDLER IS FORMER FEDERAL PROSECUTOR AND REJECTED

赦免涉案者是前聯邦檢察官，被駁回。

WILSON BROTHER, BRETT TOLMAN.

WILSON BROTHER，BRETT TOLMAN。

TOLMAN HAS COLLECTED TENS OF THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS TO SEEK

托爾曼已經收集了數千美元的資金，以尋求。

CLEMENCY FOR A VARIETY OF CLIENTS, INCLUDING THE SON OF A

為不同的客戶，包括為一個人的兒子提供賠償。

FORMER ARKANSAS SENATOR, THE FOUNDER OF THE ONLINE DRUG

前阿肯色州參議員，在線藥物創始人。

MARKETPLACE SILK ROAD, AND A MANHATTAN SOCIALITE WHO PLEADED

MARKETPLACE SILK ROAD，和一個曼哈頓社會名流的懇求

GUILTY IN A FRAUD SCHEME.

犯了詐騙罪。

I BELIEVE WE HAVE A COPY OF THAT REQUEST.

我想我們有那份請求的副本。

"DEAR DADDY, PARDON PLEEEEEZ!

"親愛的爸爸，請原諒我的哭泣!

XO IVANKS."

XO IVANKS。"

BUT ONE GUY IS REALLY LOOKING FOR THE BIG BUCKS, AND NO

但有一個人真的在尋找大塊頭，而不是

SURPRISE, IT'S PRESIDENTIAL LAWYER AND MAN OOZING WHAT HE

驚奇的是，這是總統的律師和男人OOZING什麼，他。

INSISTS IS JUST CHARM, RUDY GIULIANI.

INSISTS就是魅力，RUDY GIULIANI。

ACCORDING TO AN EX-C.I.A. AGENT WHO IS SEEKING A PARDON FOR

據一位前中情局特工說，他正在為以下罪行尋求赦免：

DISCLOSING CLASSIFIED INFORMATION, HE MET WITH RUDY

披露分類資訊，他會見了魯迪。

AND HIS ASSOCIATES LAST YEAR.

和他的同事們去年。

WHEN RUDY WENT TO THE RESTROOM, ONE OF HIS HENCHMEN SAID THE

當魯迪去洗手間的時候，他的一個手下說：

MAYOR COULD HELP, BUT "IT'S GOING TO COST $2 MILLION.

市長可以幫忙，但 "這要花200萬美金。

HE'S GOING TO WANT TWO MILLION BUCKS."

他將會要兩百萬美元。"

THAT'S A LOT OF MONEY.

那是一大筆錢。

BUT, AS A LAWYER, RUDY'S WORTH EVERY PENNY.

但是，作為一個律師，魯迪值得每一分錢。

IT'S THE DOLLARS I'M NOT SO SURE ABOUT.

我不太確定的是美元。

GIULIANI DENIES HE OR HIS ASSOCIATES EVER ASKED FOR $2

GIULIANI否認他或他的同事曾經要求過2美元。

MILLION.

百萬。

IN FACT, GIULIANI CLAIMS HE DOES NOT REMEMBER THE MEETING.

事實上，GIULIANI聲稱他不記得這次會議。

POSSIBLY BECAUSE THEIR MEETING INVOLVED SUBSTANTIAL ALCOHOL.

可能是因為他們的會議涉及到酒精。

WE'VE ALL BEEN THERE.

我們都去過那裡。

IT'S THE END OF THE NIGHT.

這是夜晚的結束。

YOU'VE GOT THE PARDON GOGGLES ON, NEXT THING YOU KNOW, YOU

你戴上了赦免眼鏡，接下來你就知道了

DON'T REMEMBER WHOSE CONVICTION YOU FORGIVE.

不要記得你原諒了誰的罪過。

I GUESS WHAT I'M SAYING IS, RUDY, PLEASE GRIFT RESPONSIBLY.

我想我說的是，魯迪，請負責任地打掃。

OF COURSE, THE LAST FEW DAYS OF ANY PRESIDENCY IS ALL ABOUT

當然，任何一個總統任期的最後幾天都是關於：

CEMENTING YOUR LEGACY AND THANKING THOSE MEMBERS OF YOUR

繼承您的遺志並感謝您的成員。

ADMINISTRATION WHO WORKED HARDEST TO ENSURE YOUR PLACE IN

行政部門誰最努力地確保你的席位？

HISTORY.

歷史：

SO, ON FRIDAY, HE MET WITH C.E.O. OF MYPILLOW, MIKE

所以，在週五，他見到了MYPILLOW的CEO，MIKE。

LINDELL, SHOWN HERE WITH HIS DIRECTOR OF OPERATIONS.

林德爾，和他的業務主管在這裡。

BUT IT WASN'T ALL PILLOW-TALK.

但它並不是所有的枕頭說話。

A SHARP-EYED CAMERAMAN CAUGHT A SNAPSHOT OF LINDELL'S NOTES,

一個眼尖的攝影師拍到了林德爾筆記的快照。

WHICH INCLUDED TOPICS LIKE "MARTIAL LAW" AND "INSURRECTION

其中包括 "婚姻法 "和 "保險 "等主題。

ACT."

ACT。"

HMM, SEEMS A LITTLE FASCIST-ADJACENT.

HMM，似乎有點法西斯主義的助理。

HE MIGHT HAVE TO REBRAND AS THE MEIN PILLOW GUY.

他可能要重新命名為 "米恩-波爾"。

THERE'S MORE PROOF THAT LINDELL IS INTO THE MAGA CONSPIRACY

有更多的證據表明林德爾是在馬加爵陰謀中的

WORLD.

世界。

AS OF THIS WEEKEND, THE MYPILLOW WEBSITE WAS OFFERING DISCOUNTS

截至本週末，MYPILLOW網站正在提供折扣。

WITH THE PROMO CODE "QANON."

用促銷代碼 "QANON"。

IT GETS YOU 45 BUCKS OFF A KING-SIZED EXTRA-FIRM, WHICH

它可以讓你獲得45美元的折扣，一個特大號的超大型火爐，其中

MAKES PERFECT BODY ARMOR FOR THE NEXT INSURRECTION.

為下一次保險做完美的防彈衣。

BUT AS BLEAK AS THE NEWS IS, THERE IS SOME HOPE ON THE

但是，儘管新聞很糟糕，但還是有希望的。

HORIZON.

HORIZON：

HBO MAX JUST ANNOUNCED A REVIVAL OF "SEX AND THE CITY."

HBO MAX剛剛宣佈了 "性與城市 "的復興。

THANK GOD!

謝天謝地！

WE'LL FINALLY FIND OUT IF CARRIE FINDS LOVE WITH-- I WANT TO SAY

我們最終會發現，如果CARRIE找到愛的... ... 我想說。

THE CITY?

城市？

OKAY, FULL DISCLOSURE: I DIDN'T CATCH EVERY EPISODE.

好吧，全面披露。我沒有看到每一個劇集。

ACCORDING TO HBO, THE REVIVAL WILL FOLLOW THE S.A.T.C. GALS AS

根據HBO的報道，《復興》將跟隨《S.A.T.C.GALS》的腳步。

THEY NAVIGATE THE COMPLICATED REALITY OF LIFE AND FRIENDSHIP

他們駕馭著複雜的現實生活和友誼。

IN THEIR 50S, IN A TEN-EPISODE LIMITED SERIES TITLED "AND JUST

在他們50多歲的時候，在一個十集有限的系列標題為 "和公正"。

LIKE THAT."

像這樣。"

WHICH, BASED ON MY EXPERIENCE OF BEING IN MY 50S, I ASSUME IS

根據我50多歲時的經驗，我猜測是

SHORT FOR "AND JUST LIKE THAT, I CAN'T EAT CHEESE ANYMORE."

簡稱 "就這樣，我不能再吃奶酪了"

BUT THE BIG BOMBSHELL ABOUT THE REVIVAL IS THAT KIM CATTRALL

但是，關於復興的最大的爆炸性新聞是金-卡特魯爾

WILL NOT RETURN TO PLAY SAMANTHA JONES.

不會再去演SAMANTHA JONES了。

WHAT?!

什麼？

BUT SHE'S SUCH A SAMANTHA!

但她真是個SAMANTHA！

LOOK AT ME, BEING SUCH A CHARLOTTE.

看看我，是這樣一個夏洛特。

THIS IS DISTRESSING.

這是令人沮喪的。

WHAT IS "SEX AND THE CITY" WITHOUT ITS MOST SEX-POSITIVE

什麼是 "性與城市"，如果沒有最積極的性，什麼是 "性"？

CHARACTER?

CHARACTER?

SAMANTHA IS THE CHAOTIC GOOD THAT CARRIE, MIRANDA, AND

SAMANTHA是CHAOTIC GOOD，CARRIE，MIRANDA，和。

CHARLOTTE NEED TO PUSH THEIR OWN UPTIGHT BOUNDARIES.

夏洛特需要推動自己的上界。

THE SHOW NEEDS HER!

節目需要她！

WE NEED HER!

我們需要她！

AND HBO MAX KNOWS IT, SO THEY'VE FOUND A NEW SAMANTHA.

HBO MAX知道，所以他們找到了一個新的SAMANTHA。

JIM?

吉姆？

>> IN NEW YORK CITY, EACH DAY IS A NEW ADVENTURE.

>> 在紐約市，每一天都是新的冒險。

BUT ONE THING THAT NEVER CHANGES... IS FRIENDSHIP.

但有一件事是永遠不會改變的... 那就是友誼。

THE GIRLS ARE BACK IN TOWN.

女孩們又回到了城裡。

CARRIE.

CARRIE：

>> I'M DYING TO EAT ANYTHING THAT DOESN'T COME IN A TAKEOUT

>> 我很想吃任何沒有外賣的東西。

BOX.

BOX.

BOTTOM'S UP.

底部的上升。

>> MIRANDA.

>> MIRANDA.

>> LET ME JUST CHECK MY WORK SCHEDULE.

>> 讓我看看我的工作時間表。

YEAH, ALL CLEAR.

是的，一切都清楚了。

>> CHARLOTTE.

>> CHARLOTTE.

>> I CAN'T LOSE THE NANNY.

>> 我不能失去保姆。

>> AND, OF COURSE, SAMANTHA.

>> 當然還有SAMANTHA。

>> I'M HOT, I'M HORNY, AND I'M DOING KEGELS UNDER THE TABLE!

>> 我熱，我熱，我熱，我在桌子下做凱格爾！

I'M SAMANTHA!

我是SAMANTHA！

>> THE GANG IS BACK... PRETTY MUCH.

>> "幫派 "回來了...漂亮的多。

>> LET'S TALK NIPPLES.

>> 讓我們來談談NIPPLES。

>> I'VE TRICKED MY BODY INTO THINKING IT'S THINNER.

>> 我欺騙了我的身體，讓我以為自己變瘦了。

SPANX.

SPANX：

>> REALLY.

>> 真的。

HADN'T HEARD.

沒聽說過。

>> SO, I SAID: DING DONG!

>> 所以，我說。叮咚！

IT'S SEX O'CLOCK.

現在是 "性愛時間"。

AND I'M HALF PAST NAKED.

我已經裸體了一半了。

TAKE OFF YOUR PANTS.

脫掉你的褲子。

I'M SAMANTHA!

我是SAMANTHA！

>> THE ROMANCE, THE EXCITEMENT, THE HEARTACHE, AND... THIS:

>> 浪漫，興奮，心痛，還有... ... 這個。

>> SOMETIMES I WISH I HAD MORE HOLES!

>> 有時我希望我有更多的洞！

>> "AND JUST LIKE THAT" COMING SOON TO HBO MAX.

>> "就這樣 "即將在HBO MAX上播出。

>> GIVE ME THE SEX!

>> 給我性！

I'M SAMANTHA!

我是SAMANTHA！

>> STEPHEN: WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.

>> 今晚我們將為您帶來一場精彩的演出。

MY GUEST IS SENATOR CORY BOOKER.

我的客人是科裡-布克議員。

BUT WHEN WE RETURN, A FAREWELL MESSAGE FROM MELANIA

但是，當我們回來時，從羅馬尼亞發來的告別信。

TRUMP.

特朗普：

STICK AROUND!

堅持下去！

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