Welcome, welcome, welcome to "The Tonight Show."

歡迎，歡迎，歡迎來到 "今夜秀"。

[ Cheers and applause ]

[歡呼聲和掌聲]

Well, guys, it's been a pretty epic 24 hours.

好了，夥計們，這是一個相當史詩般的24小時。

Joe Biden was certified as our next president.

喬-拜登被認證為我們的下一任總統。

Several --

若干 -- --

[ Cheers and applause ]

[歡呼聲和掌聲]

Several staffers have resigned from the White House.

幾名工作人員已經從白宮辭職。

Trump's social media accounts were banned.

特朗普的社交媒體賬號被禁。

And yet, compared to yesterday, it's a slow news day.

然而，與昨天相比，今天是個新聞的淡季。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

I'm still trying to process everything.

我還在努力處理一切。

Did anyone else have a tough time calming down last night?

昨晚還有人難以平靜下來嗎？

It wasn't easy falling asleep.

好不容易睡著了。

I tried listening to my mediation app,

我試著聽我的調解程序。

but the guy leading the session was just chanting,

但帶隊的人只是在唸叨。

"25th Amendment, 25th Amendment."

"第25條修正案，第25條修正案。"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Honestly, don't you just wish

老實說，你不只是希望。

we could go back to the good old days,

我們可以回到過去的美好時光。

where all we had to worry about was a global pandemic

在那裡，我們不得不擔心的是全球大流行病

and murder hornets?

謀殺大黃蜂？

2021 feels like the end of a "Scooby-Doo" episode

2021年感覺就像 "史酷比 "的結尾。

where we pull off its mask to reveal

在那裡我們揭開它的面具，露出

it's been 2020 all along.

一直到2020年

It's like...

這就像...

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

God, I miss 2020.

天啊，我好懷念2020年。

Things are so crazy.

事情是如此瘋狂。

Today, Mexico was like, "If you need a wall around your Capitol,

今天，墨西哥就說："如果你需要在你的國會大廈周圍建一堵牆。

we'll pay for it."

我們會付錢的。"

Meanwhile, some of the rioters claimed

同時，一些騷亂者聲稱

they didn't realize that they were trespassing.

他們沒有意識到，他們是擅闖。

Sadly, not many people were charged

可惜，被起訴的人不多

because the police said it was "all white."

因為警察說是 "全白"。

[ Audience groans ]

[觀眾呻吟]

I think if there's anything to be learned from yesterday,

我想如果從昨天開始有什麼可以借鏡的。

it's that Merrick Garland can't have one fun day.

是梅里克-加蘭不能有一個快樂的日子。

I mean, first, his Supreme Court nomination gets blocked,

我的意思是，首先，他的最高法院提名被阻止。

then he gets a new job, and a riot happens.

然後，他得到了一個新的工作， 和騷亂髮生。

Seriously, what did this guy do in a previous life,

說真的，這傢伙前世做了什麼。

kick over strollers?

踢翻嬰兒車？

Anyway, late last night, Congress reconvened

總之，昨晚深夜，國會重新召開了會議

and completed the certification of the Electoral College votes.

並完成了選舉團選票的認證。

[ Applause ]

[掌聲]

Yeah.

是啊。

And all jokes aside,

拋開所有的玩笑。

I thought it was so cool that Congress came back

我覺得國會回來真是太酷了。

and didn't let those losers win.

並沒有讓那些失敗者贏。

I thought it was a pretty powerful message to send.

我覺得這是一個相當有力的資訊傳遞。

But because of all the chaos,

但因為種種亂象。

Pence officially affirmed Biden's victory

彭斯正式肯定拜登的勝利

at 3:45 in the morning.

在凌晨3點45分。

Yep. After the win was certified,

是的 Yep.贏了認證後。

Biden was like, "Gee, thanks.

拜登當時說："哎呀，謝謝。

Can't wait to take over this paradise."

迫不及待地想佔領這個樂園。"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

That's right, Congress worked through the night

是的，國會通宵達旦地工作著

and confirmed Biden's victory around 4:00 a.m.

並在凌晨4點左右確認了拜登的勝利。

Yeah, we recognized the election

是的，我們承認選舉

of the world's most powerful person

天下第一人

when cable channels were showing infomercials.

當有線電視頻道在播放資訊廣告時。

Pence was like, "I hereby declare Joe Biden as the winner.

彭斯當時就說："我在此宣佈喬-拜登為贏家。

And now, stay tuned for an infomercial

而現在，請繼續關注一個資訊短片

for Marie Osmond's BodyGym."

為Marie Osmond的BodyGym。"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

♪♪

♪♪

"You don't even feel like you're sweating."

"你都不覺得自己在出汗。"

Today, for the first time,

今天，第一次。

President Trump finally acknowledged

特朗普總統終於承認

that there will be an orderly transition of power

權力將有秩序地交接。

on January 20th.

1月20日，。

When Trump says there will be an orderly transition,

當特朗普說將會有一個有序的過渡。

he means an orderly is gonna have to drag him out the front door.

他的意思是，一個勤務兵要去 必須把他拖出前門。

[ Laughter, applause ]

[笑聲，掌聲]

"Get him out of here!"

"帶他離開這裡！"

The reason one of Trump's aides tweeted that message for him

特朗普的一個助手之所以在推特上幫他發了這條消息。

is because the President was banned

是因為總統被禁止了

from all of his social media accounts,

從他所有的社交媒體賬戶。

including Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, and even Snapchat.

包括Twitter、Facebook、Instagram，甚至Snapchat。

In other news, guess who doesn't want to ban TikTok anymore?

另外一個消息，猜猜誰不想禁TikTok了？

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Love TikTok.

愛上TikTok。

Without Twitter, it was pretty embarrassing for Trump.

如果沒有推特，特朗普就很尷尬了。

He was walking around the West Wing

他在西翼走來走去

with a piece of paper and a heart stamp,

用一張紙和一個心形印章。

yelling, "Like this! Like this! Like this!

大喊："像這樣！像這樣！像這樣！

Like this! Like this!"

像這樣！像這樣！"

Since yesterday's riot,

自從昨天的騷亂之後。

resignations have poured in at the White House,

白宮的辭職事件層出不窮。

and sources expect they'll keep coming.

而消息人士預計，他們會繼續來。

Although, resigning with two weeks left

雖然還剩兩個星期就辭職了

feels less like some moral stand

感覺不像是什麼道德立場

and more like leaving early to beat traffic.

而更多的是早早離開去打交通。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

My question is, how do you put in your two weeks' notice

我的問題是，你如何把你的兩個星期的通知。

when your job ends in less than two weeks?

當你的工作不到兩週就結束的時候？

I read that, according to his closest allies,

我讀到，據他最親密的盟友說。

Trump is, quote, "mentally unreachable,"

特朗普，引用一句話，是 "精神上不可企及的"。

while another source believes

而另一消息來源則認為

the President is "out of his mind."

總統 "瘋了"。

If any more news from 2016 breaks throughout the night,

如果2016年全年再有什麼消息爆出。

we'll be sure to keep you updated.

我們一定會及時向您彙報。

How do you look at four years of Trump and just now are like,

你怎麼看四年的特朗普和剛才都像。

"I'm starting to think this guy is nuts"?

"我開始覺得這傢伙是個瘋子"？

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

"You guys catching a vibe?"

"你們抓到什麼風聲了嗎？"

Today, both Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi

如今，查克-舒默和南希-佩洛西

called for Pence to pursue the 25th Amendment

呼籲彭斯追求第25修正案

and remove Trump from office.

並解除特朗普的職務。

If that happened, we'd have three presidents in 13 days.

如果那樣的話，我們就會在13天內有三個總統了。

I love the idea of changing presidents like movie Batmans.

我喜歡像電影裡的蝙蝠俠一樣更換總統的想法。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Let's get to some lighter news.

讓我們來看看一些輕鬆的新聞。

I saw that Discovery has confirmed

我看到Discovery已經確認

the "Puppy Bowl" will go on as scheduled this year.

今年的 "小狗碗 "將如期舉行。

[ Cheers and applause ]

[歡呼聲和掌聲]

"Phew," said absolutely no one.

"呼 "絕對沒有人說。

The "Puppy" --

"小狗"----

The "Puppy Bowl" is the one event

"小狗碗 "是一個活動。

that brings every American together to think, "Why?"

讓每一個美國人一起思考，"為什麼？"

And finally, in New Jersey,

最後，在紐澤西。

police responded to a McDonald's parking lot,

警察對麥當勞的停車場進行了調查。

where chickens were chasing customers

雞鳴狗盜的地方

and wreaking havoc.

並造成嚴重的破壞。

I think this explains why today Trump released a message

我想這就解釋了為什麼今天特朗普發佈了一條消息。

saying, "I love you chickens, but it's time to go home."

說，"我愛你的雞， 但它的時間回家。"