My next guest is currently appearing at the Comedy cellar right here in New York City through June 22nd.

我的下一個客人目前正在紐約的喜劇酒窖出現，直到6月22日。

Please welcome the very funny Tom.

請歡迎非常有趣的湯姆。

Papa.

爸爸

Hello.

你好啊

Thanks for coming to the big show.

謝謝你來參加大展。

Thanks.

謝謝你

My name is Tom.

我叫湯姆

I'm a married guy.

我是一個已婚的人。

Sorry, fellas.

對不起，夥計們。

Okay.

好吧，我知道了

It's good being married.

結婚的感覺真好

I like it.

我喜歡它。

Enjoy it.

好好享受吧

You know you don't wanna date forever.

你知道你不想永遠約會。

You keep dating, you break up, it hurts.

你繼續約會，你分手，它傷害。

It's painful when you split.

分手的時候很痛苦。

Not because of the emotions you could get over that.

不是因為你能克服的情緒。

It's all the secrets they take with them when they go.

都是他們走的時候帶走的祕密。

Very unsettling after a break up, knowing there's someone out there who knows that you like to be spanked with a naked G I.

分手後非常不安，知道外面有人知道你喜歡被裸體G I打屁股。

Joe, it's good.

喬，這是很好的。

You could get fat.

你會變胖的。

Let yourself go on.

讓自己去吧。

You're married.

你已經結婚了

It's good.

很好啊

Plus, it's in the rules.

而且，這是在規則中。

Like I love you.

就像我愛你一樣

You love me.

你愛我

We can't have sex with other people.

我們不能和別人發生性關係。

Let's eat a chocolate cake.

我們吃巧克力蛋糕吧

You want ice cream on that?

你想在上面加冰激凌嗎？

Yeah.

是啊。

You're not going anywhere.

你哪兒也別想去

What's the point of losing weight when you're married?

婚後減肥有什麼用？

The only reason to try and lose weight is to be more attractive to somebody else.

試圖減肥的唯一原因是為了對別人更有吸引力。

That's why I don't understand guys working out in jail.

這就是為什麼我不理解男人在監獄裡鍛鍊的原因。

Okay, you can control.

好吧，你可以控制。

I'd be the baddest chick in the big house.

我會是大房子裡最壞的妞。

My wife has a belly on a right now because she's pregnant and her breasts have quadrupled in size.

我老婆因為懷孕了，現在肚子上有了一個，乳房也大了四倍。

They're huge.

他們是巨大的。

They're efs efs.

他們是埃夫埃夫。

You've seen DS, right?

你看過DS吧？

E f.

E f.

She put in one of her old bras look like a shoestring going across the bottom.

她把她的一箇舊胸罩看起來像一個鞋帶穿過底部。

Simon Fun.

Simon Fun.

It's Carrie.

是嘉莉

She takes over top to come into bed.

她接過上衣來到床上。

I'm like you three.

我和你們三個一樣。

Leave me alone.

讓我一個人靜一靜。

Still wants to fool around, which is totally bizarre.

還想糊弄人，這完全是怪事。

It's like being chased around the apartment by a horny snowman.

就像被一個好色的雪人在公寓裡追著跑。

Getting ready, though.

準備好了，雖然。

We bought a car, which is a big deal living here in New York.

我們買了一輛車，住在紐約這裡是件大事。

It's like getting a house.

就像買了一套房子一樣。

We got a good garage, though, for just 2 50 a month right over in Pennsylvania.

我們有一個很好的車庫，雖然，只需250元一個月，就在賓夕法尼亞州。

Couldn't ride the bus anymore.

不能再坐公車了。

That's what it came down to.

這就是問題的關鍵所在。

Hate the bus.

討厭公車。

It wouldn't be so bad if it didn't stop and pick up all those other people but horrible people on the bus.

如果不停車，不接那些其他的人，但公車上的人很可怕，那就不會那麼糟糕。

Everyone has a limp or a lazy eye or a tale.

每個人都有一瘸一拐或懶惰的眼睛或故事。

It's like the garbage truck for human trash.

就像人類垃圾的垃圾車一樣。

All right, e get the same feeling on the bus that I get when I shopped at Kmart.

好吧，我在公車上的感覺和我在Kmart購物時一樣。

You know what I mean?

你知道我的意思嗎？

That I'm better than everyone else there.

我比其他人都要好。

You know what I mean?

你知道我的意思嗎？

You're in those crummy stores like, Well, I'm here because it's a bargain.

你在那些破爛的商店，就像，嗯，我在這裡，因為它是一個便宜貨。

But these freaks, they have to shop here.

但這些怪胎，他們必須在這裡購物。

I'm buying a hammer.

我要買一把錘子。

This guy's trying on a three piece suit.

這傢伙在試穿三件套的衣服。

Okay?

好嗎？

We always think we're better than the other guy.

我們總是認為自己比別人強。

Don't we always say we're not?

我們不是總說自己不是嗎？

We're no better than anybody else.

我們不比別人好。

When I'm on that bus looking across the aisle at a guy in a Santa hat and goggles on, he's looking back at me.

當我在公車上看著過道對面一個戴著聖誕老人帽子和護目鏡的人時，他正回頭看著我。

We're both thinking the same thing.

我們都在想同樣的事情。

Jackass.

笨蛋

Look, that guy in his goggles, he's looking back.

看，那個戴護目鏡的傢伙，他在往後看。

Poor fella.

可憐的傢伙。

He doesn't have any goggles.

他沒有任何護目鏡。

Wife and I just got back from a little romantic.

我和老婆剛從一個小浪漫回來。

Get away.

走吧

We went to Ah, bed and breakfast.

我們去了啊，住宿和早餐。

You ever try that bed and breakfast?

你試過那家民宿嗎？

That's a creepy morning, isn't it?

這是一個令人毛骨悚然的早晨，不是嗎？

Coming down sharing coffee with all the strangers who were eavesdropping on you the night before?

下來和所有前一晚偷聽你的陌生人分享咖啡？

Oh, good morning, cowboy.

哦，早上好，牛仔。

You got to do it, though.

但你一定要這麼做

When you're in a relationship, you know.

當你在戀愛中，你知道。

You gotta work at it.

你必須努力。

You don't wanna be part of a bad couple.

你不會想成為一對壞夫妻的一部分。

You ever hang out with a miserable couple?

你有沒有和一對悲慘的夫妻一起玩過？

I know you have Because they hate each other.

我知道你有，因為他們恨對方。

They won't break up.

他們不會分手的。

So they bring you along as a diversion.

所以他們帶著你一起轉移注意力。

Everything they say sounds like a fight.

他們說的每句話聽起來都像是在吵架。

Everything.

一切的一切。

You want some more wine?

要不要再來點酒？

What?

什麼？

Because you're there.

因為你在那裡。

They do that face.

他們做那個表情。

I was thinking, you know, you know, you could stay with someone forever If you can sleep with them, not have sex with him, sleep with them Because we're all disgusting when we sleep.

我在想，你知道，你知道，你可以永遠和一個人呆在一起，如果你能和他們睡覺，而不是和他做愛，和他們睡覺，因為我們睡覺的時候都很噁心。

Everyone in here, different degrees.

這裡的每個人，程度不同。

But you're disgusting.

但你很噁心。

You ever see your old pillow without its pillowcase?

你見過你的舊枕頭沒有枕套嗎？

Come on.

來吧。

Looks like a 12 year old oil rag apparently assumes we close.

看起來像12年的老油條顯然假設我們關閉。

Our eyes were leaking syrup.

我們的眼睛都快漏漿了。

My wife sleeps with her mouth wide open, Goes to sleep like an angel, ends up like a walrus.

我老婆睡覺時張著嘴，睡得像個天使，最後卻像個海象。

I don't know whether I should kiss her toss fish at ER shows that half I overthink just to scare the crap out of me.

我不知道該不該在急診室親吻她折騰魚的節目，一半我想多了，只是為了嚇唬我。

But I love her.

但我愛她。

I'll do anything for us.

我願意為我們做任何事情。

Your big new thing.

你的大新事物。

Now she wants us to role play.

現在她想讓我們玩角色扮演。

You ever try that?

你試過嗎？

The role play stupid like moody want me to be.

角色扮演愚蠢的像心情要我。

She's like anybody but you whether 24 hours a day, I'm just supposed to show up.

她和任何人一樣，但你是否一天24小時，我只是應該出現。

Hey, I'm the plumber.

嘿，我是水管工。

I wanna be the plumber.

我想當水管工

I wanna be Batman wants me to talk during sex to.

我想成為蝙蝠俠想讓我在做愛的時候說話。

That's where I draw the line.

這就是我的底線。

What do I have to say?

我有什麼話要說？

Done.

完成了

Thank you all very much.

非常感謝大家。

Enjoy the rest of you with Tom.

和湯姆一起享受剩下的時光吧。

Tom, everybody.

湯姆，大家好