Thank you very much, everybody.

非常感謝大家。

[ Cheers and applause ]

[歡呼聲和掌聲]

Well, guys, it was another big day in Washington,

好了，夥計們，今天是華盛頓的又一個重要日子。

as House Democrats formally introduced

在眾議院民主黨人正式提出

the resolution to impeach President Trump.

彈劾特朗普總統的決議。

And if you're watching, no, this is not a repeat.

如果你在看，不，這不是一個重複。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Yep, Trump is being impeached again.

沒錯，特朗普又被彈劾了。

Right now, everyone in America is having déjà coup.

現在，美國的每個人都有似曾相識的政變。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

This morning, Trump was charged

今天上午，特朗普被控

with "incitement of insurrection."

以 "煽動叛亂"。

You know you messed up

你知道你搞砸了

when you're charged with the title of a '90s Star Trek movie.

當你被冠以90年代《星際迷航》的片名時。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Seriously, it's never good

說真的，這不是什麼好事

when your crowds rise to the level of Klingon.

當你的人群上升到克林貢人的水準。

It's looking like one more impeachment for Trump.

看來特朗普又要被彈劾了。

Trump gets impeached the way most people get vaccinated --

特朗普被彈劾，就像大多數人接種疫苗一樣--。

in two doses.

分兩次服用。

Some people say impeaching Trump will divide the country.

有人說彈劾特朗普會分裂國家。

Really? How much more divided can the country get?

真的嗎？國家還能分裂到什麼程度？

We're currently in a state

我們目前正處於

of Monopoly game after Thanksgiving.

的大富翁遊戲，感恩節後。

That's where we are.

這就是我們現在的情況。

Meanwhile, some of Trump's most loyal defenders are saying

與此同時，一些特朗普最忠實的辯護人說

we shouldn't kick him while he's down.

我們不應該踢他，而他的下降。

Even "The Karate Kid" is going,

連 "空手道小子 "也要去。

"Eh, this one time feels okay, I think.

"恩，這一次感覺還不錯，我想。

Sweep the leg, sweep the leg."

掃腿，掃腿。"

Well, if you think Trump's upset about getting impeached,

如果你認為特朗普對被彈劾很不爽的話。

imagine how he felt the other day when Twitter announced

想象一下，前幾天當推特上宣佈

that they're permanently suspending his account.

他們永久地暫停了他的賬戶。

A lifetime ban.

終身禁入。

[ Cheers and applause ]

[歡呼聲和掌聲]

A lifetime ban.

終身禁入。

Trump's basically the Pete Rose of social media.

特朗普基本上是社交媒體中的皮特-羅斯。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Right now, Trump's phone is stuffed into a pile of rice

現在，特朗普的手機被塞進了一堆大米里。

after being drenched with tears.

在被淚水浸溼後。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

The good news is

好消息是

now Twitter can go back to what it used to be for --

現在，Twitter可以回到它曾經是什麼 --

judging celebrities at award shows.

在頒獎典禮上評判名人。

In addition to Twitter, Trump has been banned or restricted

除推特外，特朗普還被禁止或限制了。

from Apple, Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat,

從蘋果、Facebook、Instagram、Snapchat。

Google, Amazon, Pinterest, TikTok...

谷歌、亞馬遜、Pinterest、TikTok... ...

[ Inhales deeply ]

[深吸氣]

...YouTube, Reddit, Twitch, Stripe, Discord, and Shopify.

...YouTube、Reddit、Twitch、Stripe、Discord和Shopify。

-Aw. [ Laughter ]

-啊[笑聲]

-Trump started this year

-特朗普今年開始

thinking he should be on Mount Rushmore.

認為他應該在拉什莫爾山。

Now can't even get on Instagram.

現在連Instagram都上不了。

Seriously, in one weekend,

說真的，在一個週末。

Trump's phone became a $2,000 flashlight.

特朗普的手機成了2000元的手電筒。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

[ Applause ]

[掌聲]

Yep, now Trump can't tweet, snap, post, or stream.

是的，現在特朗普不能發推特，不能拍，不能發，也不能流。

It's gotten so bad,

它變得如此糟糕。

he can't even sell embroidered pillows on Etsy.

他甚至不能在Etsy上賣繡花枕頭。

-Aw. -Hmm.

-啊-嗯 是的

-Of course now we're going to have to settle

-當然，現在我們要解決的問題是

with him holding 50 press conferences a day

在他每天舉行50場新聞發佈會的情況下

and yelling 280 characters at a time.

並一次大喊280個字。

Ah, it's 2:00 a.m. Time for another press conference.

啊，現在是凌晨兩點，又要開新聞發佈會了。

Things have gotten so bad for Trump that PGA announced

事情的發展對特朗普來說太糟糕了，PGA宣佈

that they will no longer hold the 2022 PGA Championship

他們將不再舉辦2022年PGA錦標賽。

at Trump National Golf Club in Bedminster, New Jersey.

在新澤西州貝德明斯特的特朗普國家高爾夫俱樂部。

[ Applause ]

[掌聲]

No more Twitter, no more PGA.

沒有推特，沒有PGA。

If Diet Coke comes out against Trump,

如果健怡可樂出來反對特朗普。

he's going to lose his mind.

他將失去他的頭腦。

Again.

再來一次

Let's change gears here. Oh, this was fun.

我們換個等級吧哦，這很有趣。

Yesterday, Nickelodeon aired its first-ever

昨天，Nickelodeon播出了其有史以來的第一個

kid-friendly broadcast of an NFL playoff game.

兒童友好的NFL季後賽轉播。

Check out what it looked like.

看看它是什麼樣子的。

-Now plunging forward. End zone and touchdown.

-現在急速前進終點區和達陣。

-Hey, there's the slime!

-嘿，那是粘液！

[ Imitating air horn ]

[仿氣喇叭]

-And now Wil Lutz will come on for the extra point.

-現在Wil Lutz將上場獲得加分。

And he kicks it right through Spongebob.

而且他一腳踢穿了海綿寶寶。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

-Yeah. That actually looked normal to me.

-是的是啊。 這實際上看起來正常的我。

Then again, I watch every game

不過，我每場比賽都看

after dropping an insane amount of acid.

滴下大量的酸液後。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

"Uh, that was right through Spongebob there.

"呃，那是正通過海綿寶寶那裡。

Congratulations."

恭喜你。"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

It was great. The slime cannons?

很好粘液炮？

-Yeah. -It was awesome.

-是的 很棒

A lot of people enjoyed seeing the game like this.

很多人喜歡看到這樣的遊戲。

I mean, it was way better than the time

我的意思是，這是比時間更好的方式。

they had the Rugrats host a UFC fight.

他們讓Rugrats主持了一場UFC比賽。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

That just didn't work. That just didn't work.

這只是沒有工作。這只是沒有工作。

Some entertainment news -- HBO announced

一些娛樂新聞--HBO宣佈

that they are rebooting "Sex and the City."

他們正在重啟 "性與城市"。

Yeah.

是啊。

[ Applause ]

[掌聲]

Even crazier, there's also going to be a version

更瘋狂的是，還將有一個版本的

that airs on Nickelodeon.

在Nickelodeon上播出的。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Yep, everyone is back,

是的，大家都回來了。

except Kim Cattrall won't reprise her role as Samantha.

除了Kim Cattrall不會重演Samantha這個角色。

It's like "The Avengers" rebooting, but Thor is like,

就像《復仇者聯盟》重啟，但《雷神》就像。

"You won't be seeing this hammer."

"你不會看到這個錘子的。"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

[ Cymbals tapping ]

[鈸敲擊]

Yep, 17 years after the final episode,

是的，在最後一集的17年後。

"Sex and the City" coming back.

"慾望都市 "要回來了。

They already released an episode,

他們已經發布了一集。

and the first 20 minutes

和前20分鐘

is Mr. Big waiting for his pill to kick in.

大先生在等著他的藥丸發作。

[ Laughter, groaning ]

[笑聲，呻吟]

And finally I saw that Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson

最後我看到了德維恩-約翰遜

is launching a healthy energy drink called ZOA.

正在推出一款名為ZOA的健康能量飲料。

You can tell the drink is good.

你可以看出這酒很好喝。

Nancy Pelosi just chugged one, crushed the can on her forehead,

南希-佩洛西剛喝了一口，把罐子壓在額頭上。

and said, "Let's impeach this Jimbroni."

並說，"讓我們彈劾這個Jimbroni。"

Hi, everyone! Thank you very much.

大家好！非常感謝。非常感謝大家。

it is Monday. We're excited to be back,

今天是星期一。我們很高興能回來。

and we got a fantastic week of shows ahead.

我們得到了一個夢幻般的一週 前面的節目。

Nicole Kidman will be here!

妮可-基德曼會來的！

[ Cheers and applause ]

[歡呼聲和掌聲]

Amazing. Did you see "The Undoing"?

驚人的。你看了 "撤消 "嗎？

-Yeah, I did. -She crushed it, man.

-是的，我有-她把它粉碎了，夥計

Anthony Mackie will be here. Oh, I love Anthony Mackie.

安東尼-麥基會來的哦，我愛安東尼-麥基。

Plus, Anne Hathaway, Angela Bassett, Lilly Singh.

另外，安妮-海瑟薇、安吉拉-巴塞特、莉莉-辛格。

Oh, stay up late tonight.

哦，今晚熬夜。

Lilly Singh is premiering tonight after Seth.

莉莉-辛格今晚繼賽斯之後首發。

So it goes me, Seth, then Lilly.

所以我，塞斯，然後是莉莉。

But it premieres tonight.

但它今晚首映。

We love you, Lilly Singh.

我們愛你, Lilly Singh.

Check out Lilly tonight.

今晚去看看莉莉。

But first, we have a great show for you tonight.

但首先，我們今晚為您準備了一場精彩的演出。

She stars in the movie "On the Rocks" on Apple TV Plus.

她在Apple TV Plus上主演了電影《在岩石上》。

Rashida Jones is here.

拉希達-瓊斯來了

[ Cheers and applause ]

[歡呼聲和掌聲]

Plus, from the film "The King of Staten Island"

再加上，從電影 "史坦頓島之王"。

and "The Mandalorian," Bill Burr is here.

和 "曼陀羅人"，比爾-伯爾在這裡。

God. [ Cheers and applause ]

神。[歡呼聲和掌聲]

That dude is next-level funny.

這傢伙是下一個層次的搞笑。

-Yeah, man. -He's on a different world, man.

-是的，夥計-他是在另一個世界，夥計。

He's just -- Gosh, I just love that guy so much.

他只是... ... 天哪，我只是愛那個傢伙這麼多。

And we got great music from Old Dominion!

而我們得到了來自Old Dominion的偉大音樂！