YOU KNOW, I DON'T LIKE IT, YOU DON'T LIKE IT.

你知道，我不喜歡它，你不喜歡它。

NONE-OF-US ARE HAPPY WITH THIS, BUT THINK ABOUT IT, YOU HAVE THE

我們都不喜歡這樣，但想想看，你有這個機會

UPPER HAND HERE.

上手這裡。

YOU CAN GO AND WATCH "THE CROWN" AGAIN.

你可以再去看一次 "皇冠 "了。

I HAVE TO BE HERE.

我必須在這裡。

IF IT HELPS, JUST THINK OF TONIGHT'S SHOW AS AN HOUR-LONG

如果能幫上忙，就把今晚的演出當成一個小時的節目吧。

CAMEO GIFTED TO YOU BY YOUR SISTER-IN-LAW WHO DOESN'T KNOW

你不知道的嫂子送給你的CAMEO。

YOU VERY WELL.

你很好。

LOOK AT IT THAT WAY.

這樣看。

REGGIE, THE BAND, AND IAN ARE HOW WILL WE GUYS, ARE WE GOOD.

雷吉，樂隊，和IAN是如何將我們的傢伙，我們是好的。

>> Reggie: AND AGAIN WE HAVE MATCHING SHIRTS.

>> 再一次我們有了相配的襯衫。

>> James: YOU DO, YOU AND IAN.

>> 詹姆斯。你做的，你和伊安。

>> Reggie: THE KIND OF GRAY GOING ON RIGHT THERE.

>> 這裡發生的那種灰暗的事情。

>> James: YOU WANT TO TELL THE SECRET.

>> James:你想說的祕密。

YOU SEE I'M WEARING THIS THREE PIECE SUIT.

你看我穿的這套三件套。

>> James: IT'S ACTUALLY A TWO PIECE SUIT.

>> 詹姆斯。它實際上是一套兩件套的衣服。

>> SHOW US THE GOODS, COME ON.

>> 給我們展示好東西，來吧。

YOU CAN'T TEASE US LIKE THAT.

你不能這樣戲弄我們。

>> James: LOOK AT THAT.

>> 詹姆斯。看看這個。

NOT JUST ANY SWEAT PANTS.

不是普通的運動褲。

"LATE, LATE SHOW" SWEAT PANTS.

"遲來的，遲來的秀 "運動褲。

SO I STILL FEEL LIKE IT'S OKAY.

所以，我還是覺得它是好的。

LOOK AT TIM, ON THE TREADMILL.

看看TIM，在TRADMILL。

JUST GOING FOR IT.

只是去為它。

>> Reggie: HE IS A TREADER, HE DOESN'T FEAR TO TREAD.

>> 雷吉：他是一個旅行者，他不害怕旅行。

>> YEAH, THE TREADMILL.

>> 是啊，麵包機。

I'M HERE, HAVING A GOOD TIME.

我在這裡，有一個很好的時間。

>> James: HANG ON, DID YOU BUY ONE-- IS THIS ONE OF THESE

>> 詹姆斯。等一下，你買了一個 - 這是其中的一個。

T-SHIRTS THAT I SEE AN AD FOR ON THE INTERNET.

我在網上看到廣告的T -SHIRTS。

>> IT IS A TOTAL INSTAGRAM PURCHASE.

>> 它是一個總的INSTAGRAM購買。

>> Reggie: I REMEMBER THOSE, T-SHORT.

>> 我記得，T-short。

>> James: BE CAREFUL, TIM, TIM, BE CAREFUL.

>> 詹姆斯。要小心，TIM，TIM，要小心。

>> I HAVE NEVER TRIED THAT BEFORE.

>> 我從來沒有嘗試過，以前。

>> James: I HAVE ALWAYS LOOKED AT THOSE T-SHIRTS.

>> 詹姆斯。我一直都在看那些T恤。

HANG ON, IS THIS THE IDEA THAT THERE IS A TUNNEL THROUGH YOUR

等一下，這就是有一個隧道穿過你的想法嗎？

BODY?

身體？

>> YEAH, THERE SAY HOLE, I FEEL EMPTY INSIDE.

>> 是的，那裡有一個洞，我覺得裡面很空虛。

>> James: ALL RIGHT, LET'S MOVE TO THE HEADLINES YESTERDAY

>> 詹姆斯。好吧，讓我們進入今天的頭條新聞。

WAS A TOUGH DAY FOR MANY OF US BUT ONCE THE CHAOS SETS DOWN.

對我們很多人來說是艱難的一天，但一旦混亂平息下來。

IMMEDIATELY WENT BACK TO WORK, AND WORKED LATE INTO THE NIGHT,

立即回去工作，工作到深夜。

OFFICIALLY CERTIFYING JOE BIDEN'S VICTORY AT 3:30 IN THE

3點30分，喬-比登的勝利正式證明

MORNING.

早晨。

MAKING THIS THE ONLY GOOD DECISION TO EVER HAPPEN

讓這個唯一的好決定發生了

AT 3:30 IN THE MORNING.

凌晨3點半。

A SMALL GROUP OF REPUBLICANS PUSHED BACK ON CERTIFICATION,

一小撮共和黨人推倒了認證。

BUT THE REST OF CONGRESS WAS LIKE, "IT'S 3:30, JUST PACK IT

但國會的其他成員卻說："現在是3點半，把它包起來吧。

IN, YOU PRICKS."

在，你的價格。"

3:30 A..M!

凌晨三點半！

THEY DEBATED THE ELECTORAL VOTES, CERTIFIED THE ELECTION,

他們對選舉投票進行了辯論，證明了選舉。

AND THEN JUST FOR FUN THREW ON "JURASSIC PARK" AND ORDERED A

然後只是為了好玩，扔了 "侏羅紀公園"，並訂購了一個

COUPLE PIZZAS.

雙層比薩餅。

AND NANCY PELOSI HAD ALL THE ICE CREAM.

而南希-佩洛西吃了所有的冰淇淋。

THEY ALL TUCKED INTO THAT.

他們都塞進了那個。

>> NICE SOON AFTER THE CERTIFICATION,

>> 順利拿到證書後。

PRESIDENT TRUMP RELEASED A STATEMENT, SAYING THAT THERE

特朗普總統發表聲明，稱有。

WOULD BE AN "ORDERLY TRANSITION OF POWER" ON JANUARY 20.

將於1月20日進行 "有序的權力交接"。

UNFORTUNATELY, THE STATEMENT WAS WRAPPED AROUND A BRICK AND

不幸的是，該聲明被一磚一瓦包裹著。

TOSSED THROUGH A CAPITOL BUILDING WINDOW.

通過首都大廈的窗戶扔出去。

TRUMP ALSO USED THE STATEMENT TO MENTION THAT HE DISAGREED WITH

特朗普還利用聲明指出，他不同意。

THE OUTCOME OF THE ELECTION.

選舉結果：

WELL, THANK GOD!

好了，感謝上帝！

OTHERWISE THERE WOULD HAVE BEEN NO WAY TO KNOW!

否則就無法知道了!

TRUMP JUST CAN'T HELP HIMSELF, CAN HE, IAN?

特朗普只是不能幫助自己，是嗎，伊安？

EVEN WHEN HE'S SAYING THE "RIGHT THING," HE STILL HAS TO SLIP A

即使他說的是 "正確的事"，他還是要滑一個。

LITTLE GRIPE IN THERE.

在那裡的小磨擦。

>> IT'S ALMOST LIKE HE'S AN ABSOLUTE SCHMUK OR SOMETHING, I

>> 好像他是個徹頭徹尾的笨蛋或什麼的，我

AM BEGINNING TO THINK OF THAT.

我開始思考這個問題了。

>> James: YOU KNOW WHAT I LOVE, ALL THESE PEOPLE ARE GOING

>> 詹姆斯。你知道我喜歡什麼，所有這些人都去。

THESE PAST 24 HOURS HAS REALLY MADE ME DISLIKE TRUMP.

過去的24小時讓我討厭特朗普。

(LAUGHTER) AND AFTER THAT UGLY DAY

(笑)然後在那醜陋的一天之後

YESTERDAY, PRESIDENT TRUMP'S MENTAL STATE HAS NOW COME INTO

昨天，特朗普總統的精神狀態現在已經進入了

QUESTION, WITH ONE SENIOR ADVISER SAYING TRUMP HAS "LOST

問題，一位高級顧問說特朗普 "失去了"。

IT."

IT。"

I'VE GOT TO SAY, IT'S VERY BRAVE OF REPUBLICANS TO START SPEAKING

我不得不說，共和黨人開始說話是非常勇敢的。

OUT AGAINST TRUMP ONLY 99.9% OF THE WAY THROUGH HIS TERM IN

在特朗普任期內，僅有99.9%的時間反對他。

OFFICE.

辦公室：

NOT TO QUIBBLE, BUT FOR SOMEONE TO "LOSE IT," FIRST THEY MUST

不要爭辯，但要想讓人 "失去它"，首先就必須

"POSSESS IT."

"擁有它。"

MUS NT THEY.

MUS NT THEY。

YOU CAN'T LOSE SOMETHING YOU DIDN'T PO SESMS I LOVE HOW WE

你不能失去一些東西，你沒有PO SESMS，我愛我們如何。

ARE TALKING ABOUT THE PRESIDENT'S STATE OF MIND THE

我們正在談論主席的心態。

SAME WAY WE ARE TALKING ABOUT LOSING CAR KEYS.

就像我們說的丟了車鑰匙一樣。

"I KNOW THE PRESIDENT'S HUMANITY IS AROUND HERE SOMEWHERE.

"我知道主席的人性就在這附近的某個地方。

IT WAS THERE-- I PUT IT THERE."

它在那裡 -- 我把它放在那裡。"

I HAVE LOST IT, GONE.

我已經失去了它，走了。

MEANWHILE, FACEBOOK AND TWITTER SUSPENDED THE PRESIDENT'S

與此同時，FACEBOOK和TWITTER暫停了總統的。

ACCOUNTS.

賬目：

TWITTER LOCKED HIS ACCOUNT FOR 12 HOURS, AND FACEBOOK ANNOUNCED

TWITTER鎖定了他的賬戶12小時，而FACEBOOK宣佈

TODAY THAT IT WOULD BLOCK TRUMP UNTIL AT LEAST THE END OF HIS

今天，它將阻止特朗普直到他的任期結束。

TERM.

期限：

SO, YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS.

所以，你知道這意味著什麼。

LOOKS LIKE TRUMP IS FINALLY ABOUT TO START POPPIN' ON

看起來特朗普終於要開始大肆宣傳了。

TIKTOK, BABY!

TIKTOK，寶貝！

STOP THE STEAL.

停止偷竊。

>> THAT IS TIKTOK, THAT IS WHAT IT IS?

>> 那是TIKTOK，那是什麼？

>> THAT IS ONE OF THE THINGS, IT LIKE PULL THE FRAME.

>> 這就是其中一件事，它就像拉框架。

>> SOMETHING LIKE MAR SELL MARCEAUX.

>> SOMETHING LIKE MAR SELL MARCEAUX.

>> >> James: IT.

>> >> 詹姆斯。IT：

>> IT TIME TO MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN, STOP THE STEAL.

>> 是時候讓美國再次偉大了，停止偷竊。

>> TOP, STOP.

>>頂部，停止。

>> EXACTLY, STOP.

>> 確切地說，停止。

>> STOP THE STEAL.

>> 停止偷竊。

>> James: YEAH, THAT'S T IAN'S GOT T STOP THE STEAL.

>> 詹姆斯。是的，那是Tian's got to stop the steal.

(LAUGHTER) >> DID YOU HAVE TO DANCE IN

(笑)>>你必須要跳舞嗎？

THERE,.

那裡，。

>> THAT'S GOOD, YOU'RE TOO GOOD ALREADY.

>> 很好，你已經太優秀了。

>> TOO GOOD, JAMES, TOO GOOD.

>> 太好了，詹姆斯，太好了。

>> TO DO THE TRUMP, YOU HAVE TO POINT TO SOMEBODY IN THE CROWD

>> 要想演特朗普，你必須指著人群中的某個人。

WHO YOU JUST MADE UP LIKE AH, I SEE YOU, AND THEN YOU GO BACK,

你剛剛編了誰，像啊，我看到你，然後你回去。

OH, YOU.

哦，你。

>> THAT'S IT.

>> 就是這樣。

>> DO IT.

>> 做到這一點。

>> YOU ROCKED IT, YES.

>> 你搖滾了，是的。

THAT'S IT.

這就是它。

THAT'S IT.

這就是它。

>> James: TRUMP'S LOCKED OUT OF FACEBOOK?

>> James:特朗普被鎖在FACEBOOK之外？

THAT'S ROUGH.

這是粗糙的。

LOCKED OUT OF FACEBOOK HOW'S HE GOING TO KNOW WHEN IT'S

被鎖在了FACEBOOK外面，他怎麼知道什麼時候是

ONE OF HIS FRIEND'S BIRTHDAYS?

他朋友的生日之一？

WOULD ANY OF YOU GUYS CARE IF YOU WERE PERMANENTLY LOCKED OUT

如果你被永久鎖在外面，你們誰會在乎？

OF FACEBOOK?

的FACEBOOK？

>> HELL NO.

>> HELL NO。

>> James: ANY ONE.

>> 詹姆斯。任何一個。

>> I HAVEN'T LOOKED AT FACEBOOK IN THREE YEARS.

>> 我已經三年沒看FACEBOOK了。

>> I HAVEN'T LOOKED AT FACEBOOK IN NINE YEARS.

>> 我已經九年沒有看過FACEBOOK了。

>> James: CAN I TELL YOU SOMETHING I'M VERY PROUD OF,

>> 詹姆斯。我可以告訴你一件我很自豪的事嗎？

VERY, VERY PROUD OF THIS, I NEVER JOINED.

非常，非常自豪的是，我從來沒有加入。

>> YEAH.

>> 是的。

NEVER JOINED.

從來沒有加入過。

NEVER DID IT.

從來沒有做過。

>> James: NEVER DID IT.

>> 詹姆斯。從來沒有做過。

AND I DO FIND ALL OF-- DO YOU REMEMBER LAST WEEK ON TWITTER,

我發現所有的 - 你還記得上週在微博上，

HASHTAG DELETE FACEBOOK WAS TRENDING? AND I LOOKED AT IT ON

HASHTAG DELETE FACEBOOK WAS TRENDING? 我看了一下，在

TWITTER AND ALL THESE PEOPLE DELETE FACEBOOK.

TWITTER和所有這些人刪除Facebook。

I LOOKED AT A FEW OF THE PEOPLE TALKING ABOUT IT, AND THEY ALL

我看了一些談論它的人，他們都是

HAD THEIR INSTAGRAM IN THEIR BIO.

有他們的INSTAGRAM在他們的BIO。

THEY BOUGHT IT, YOU CAN'T-- IT IS ALL-- THE SAME POT OF MONEY.

他們買了它，你不能... 這都是... 同一筆錢。

IT'S ALL THE SAME, YEAH, NEVER JOINED.

它都是一樣的，是的，從來沒有加入。

NEVER JOINED FACEBOOK.

從來沒有加入過Facebook。

I SAW ALL OF THIS COMING.

我看到這一切的到來。

NOW LOOK, AND SURE, THIS IS A LITTLE

現在看，當然，這是一個小。

OFF-TOPIC, BUT HAVE YOU GUYS NOTICED THAT MARK ZUCKERBERG

離題，但你們有沒有注意到馬克-朱克伯格

LOOKS LIKE IF MITCH McCONNELL HAD A BABY

看起來像如果米奇-麥康納爾有一個孩子。

WITH A GHOST?

與鬼魂？

HAVE YOU NOTICED THAT?

你注意到了嗎？

>> Reggie: INTERESTING MEANWHILE, ANGRY REPUBLICAN

>> 雷吉：有趣的時刻，憤怒的共和黨人。

LEADERS, AS WELL AS NANCY PELOSI AND CHUCK SCHUMER, ARE NOW

領導人，以及南希-佩洛西和巴克-舒默，現在都是。

CALLING ON THE VICE PRESIDENT TO INVOKE THE 25th AMENDMENT TO

呼籲副主席援引《公約》第25條修正案。

REMOVE TRUMP FROM OFFICE, BECAUSE HE'S UNABLE TO EXECUTE

罷免特朗普，因為他無力執行。

HIS PRESIDENTIAL DUTIES.

他的主席職責：

WELL, YEAH, OF COURSE TRUMP IS UNABLE TO EXECUTE HIS

嗯，是的，當然特朗普無法執行他的。

PRESIDENTIAL DUTIES-- THEY TOOK AWAY HIS TWITTER!

總統的職責------他們把他的微博刪掉了!

EXPERTS SAY THE 25th AMENDMENT APPLIES HERE BECAUSE TRUMP

專家說，第25條修正案適用於這裡，因為特朗普。

IS DISINTERESTED IN DOING THE JOB AND NOT IN THE RIGHT FRAME

對工作不感興趣，也不在正確的框架內；

OF MIND TO CARRY OUT ANY OF THE NECESSARY TASKS.

銘記執行任何必要的任務。

WHICH, I'M NOT GOING TO LIE, ALSO DESCRIBES ME DURING THESE

其中，我不會說謊，也描述了我在這些期間

GARAGE SHOWS.

車庫秀。

BUT THIS IS HUGE.

但這是巨大的。

IF I UNDERSTAND THE LAW CORRECTLY, AND I THINK I DO,

如果我正確地理解了法律，而我認為我理解了。

MIKE PENCE WOULD THEN ASSUME THE OVAL OFFICE, AND THAT FLY ON

米克-彭斯就會接任VAL辦公室，然後就會飛上天了

HIS HEAD WOULD TAKE OVER AS VICE PRESIDENT.

他的頭會接任副主席。

YOU KNOW WHAT I WOULD DO IF I WAS PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED

你知道如果我是美國總統我會怎麼做嗎？

STATES FOR TWO WEEKS, GET A PS5.

國家兩個星期，得到一個PS5。

>> THAT IS WHAT IT WOULD TAKE.

>> 這就是它所需要的。

>> Reggie: FORGET THE VACCINE, RIGHT.

>> 忘了打針吧，好嗎。

>> James: NO, THE VACCINE IS ROLLED OUT.

>> 詹姆斯：不，疫苗是滾出來的。

I WOULD JUST GO GUYSK I'M ONLY HERE FOR TWO WEEKS.

我只是去GUYSK我只在這裡兩個星期。

I WANT TO MAKE THE MOST OF THIS, HANGING OUT, ORDERING ROOM

我想利用這個機會，在外面閒逛，訂房間。

SERVICE.

服務。

I JUST NEED A PS5.

我只是需要一個PS5。

>> Reggie: GOOD LUCK.

>> 祝你好運。

>> YOU WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO KEEP IT, THAT IS THE THING.

>> 你無法保留它，這就是問題所在。

>> James: OH, OH, YOU THINK?

>> 詹姆斯。哦，哦，你覺得呢？

>> Reggie: THEY WOULDN'T GIVE IT TO YOU, IT WOULD BE

>> 他們不會給你的，那會是...

GOVERNMENT CUSTODY.

政府託管。

>> James: THEN I DON'T WANT THE JOB, THEN I'M NOT

>> James:那我就不想要這份工作，那我就不想要了

INTERESTED.

有興趣的。

AND YESTERDAY'S EVENTS SEEMED TO BE THE FINAL STRAW FOR MANY

而今天的事件似乎是許多人的最後一搏。

TRUMP ASSOCIATES, THERE HAVE BEEN MULTIPLE RESIGNATIONS

特朗普協會，已經有多人辭職了

YESTERDAY AND TODAY INCLUDING ONE CABINET MEMBER, TRUMP

前天和今天，包括一名內閣成員，特朗普。

NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISOR AND EVEN THE FIRST LADY'S CHEF OF

國家安全顧問，甚至是美國第一夫人的廚師。

STAFF AGAIN, A LITTLE LATE, BUT OKAY.

工作人員又來了，有點晚了，不過還好。

PEOPLE WERE COMPARING THIS BIG WAVE OF RESIGNATIONS TO RATS

人們把這一大波辭職潮比作老鼠。

FLEEING THE "TITANIC," BUT I REALLY DON'T THINK THAT'S FAIR.

逃離 "泰坦尼克號"，但我覺得這不公平。

AT ONE POINT, THE "TITANIC" ACTUALLY HAD SOME DIRECTION.

有一次，"泰坦尼克號 "還真有一些方向。

IT WAS GOING SOMEWHERE.

它是去某個地方。

IT MAKES SENSE, THOUGH.

這是有道理的，但。

YOU WANT TO GET OUT INTO THE JOB MARKET BEFORE THE TRUMP

你想在特朗普上臺前進入就業市場嗎？

ADMINISTRATION GETS BLOCKED ON LINKEDIN, AS WELL.

管理在LINKEDIN上也會被屏蔽。

IN OTHER NEWS, A CITY IN SOUTH PARNS IF DENMARK ARE OUTRAGED

在其他新聞中，一個城市在南部PARNS，如果DENMARK是憤怒的。

AFTER A NEW CLAYMATION CHARACTER, THERE WAS OUTRAGE

在一個新的遊戲角色之後，出現了憤怒的情緒

BECAUSE THE MAIN CHARACTER HAS A RATHER LONG PENIS.

因為主角的陰莖比較長。

HOW LONG?

多久？

TAKE A LOOK FOR YOURSELF.

看看你自己。

LOOK AT THAT FIRST I WANT TO SAY YES, I GAVE THEM THE RIGHTS TO

看看這個，首先我想說是的，我把權利給了他們。

MY LIFE STORY BUT I DIDN'T THINK IT WOULD BE AIMED AT YOUNG

我的人生故事，但我不認為它是針對年輕人的。

CHILDREN, SECOND I THINK AIMED AT YOUNG CHILDREN WOULDN'T BE

兒童，第二我認為針對年輕兒童的不會是。

THE BEST WAY TO FRAME THIS.

最好的方式來框架這個。

I THINK IT WOULD BE CONVENIENCE ON THAT BUT ON THE OTHER HAND,

我覺得這樣做會很方便，但在另一隻手上。

YOU HAVE A-- FOR LIFE.

你有一個 - -終身。

>> I THINK IT IS GOOD, AFTER EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENED IN

>> 我認為這是很好的，在發生了這麼多事情之後，我認為這是很好的。

WASHINGTON YESTERDAY, MAYBE DENMARK CAN TEACH US A THING OR

華盛頓昨天，也許丹麥可以教我們一個東西或

TWO ABOUT HOW TO DEAL WITH A GIANT DICK.

兩個關於如何處理與一個巨大的傢伙。

WHAT?

什麼？

(APPLAUSE)

(掌聲)