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  • -Thank you very much, everybody!

    -謝謝大家!

  • Hello! Wow.

    你好!譁!

  • That feels great.

    這感覺很好。

  • Welcome, welcome, welcome to "The Tonight Show."

    歡迎,歡迎,歡迎來到 "今夜秀"。

  • [ Cheering and applause ]

    [歡呼和掌聲]

  • I'd like to start by wishing everyone a very happy new year.

    在此,我首先祝大家新年快樂。

  • [ Cheering and applause ]

    [歡呼和掌聲]

  • Yep. Thankfully, it is a new year,

    是的。幸好,這是一個新的一年。

  • and, boy, aren't things better now?

    而且,孩子,是不是事情現在更好?

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • Well, guys, everybody is talking about this.

    好了,夥計們,每個人都在談論這個。

  • Over the weekend, President Trump

    上週末,美國總統特朗普

  • called Georgia Secretary of State,

    稱為佐治亞州國務卿。

  • Brad Raffensperger, about the election

    布拉德-拉芬斯伯格,關於選舉。

  • and might have gotten himself into some major legal trouble.

    並可能讓自己陷入一些重大的法律麻煩。

  • "Let's hear what crime it was this time!"

    "讓我們聽聽這次是什麼罪!"

  • Yeah. [ Laughter ]

    是啊。[笑聲]

  • That's right. Trump asked him to somehow

    沒錯,特朗普讓他以某種方式特朗普要求他以某種方式

  • find enough votes to flip Georgia

    爭取到足夠的票數來推翻喬治亞州

  • so that he would win the state by one vote.

    這樣他就能以一票之差贏得該州。

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • One vote. Trump was like,

    一票。特朗普就像。

  • "'Cause if we're gonna do this, we can't make it obvious."

    "因為如果我們要做這個,我們不能讓它明顯。"

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • Apparently, every January, Trump's New Year's resolution

    顯然,每年1月,特朗普的新年決心

  • is to find a new way to get impeached.

    是找到一種新的方式來獲得彈劾。

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • Trump's call lasted for an hour, by the way.

    順便說一句,特朗普的通話持續了一個小時。

  • An hour. It was like one of his calls

    一個小時。就像他的一個電話

  • to "Fox & Friends," except he actually cared

    到 "福克斯和朋友",除了他實際上關心

  • what the other person had to say on this one.

    另一個人對這個問題有什麼看法。

  • [ Laughter ] What a waste.

    [笑]什麼是浪費。

  • Trump could've spent that hour

    特朗普可以花一個小時的時間

  • not helping roll out the vaccine.

    不幫助推出疫苗。

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • As if the story isn't crazy enough,

    好像這個故事還不夠瘋狂似的。

  • Trump had tried calling him 18 times since the election.

    自大選以來,特朗普曾18次嘗試給他打電話。

  • Yeah. I think we're one call away

    是的,我想我們只需要一個電話就可以了。

  • from Trump saying, "I'm on your front porch.

    從特朗普說:"我在你的前廊。

  • I can see you're home. Pick up.

    我可以看到你在家。接電話

  • I can see you're screening the call, you're making eggs.

    我看到你在篩選電話,你在做雞蛋。

  • Hello. I'm right here."

    你好,我就在這裡。我就在這裡。"

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • 18 times!

    18次!

  • Apparently, Raffensperger was thinking about

    很顯然,拉芬斯伯格在考慮的是

  • putting the phone on vibrate and turning it into a massager.

    把手機調成震動,變成按摩器。

  • [ Cellphone vibrating ]

    [手機振動]

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • [ Cellphone vibrating ]

    [手機振動]

  • That cost us $100,000 for that sound.

    為了這個聲音,我們花了十萬塊錢。

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • You know you've -- [ Cellphone vibrating ]

    你知道你已經 - [手機震動]

  • No, thank you. $150,000.

    不,謝謝你。$150,000.

  • You know you've lost power when someone gets a call

    當有人接到電話時,你就知道你已經失去了電力。

  • from the president and presses ignore 18 times.

    從總統和按忽略18次。

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • When Trump calls, people actually move to the room

    當特朗普打電話時,人們實際上是搬到房間裡去了。

  • in the house where the connection is spotty.

    在連接不穩定的房子裡。

  • It's like, "Honey, I'll be in the crawl space.

    就像,"親愛的,我在爬行空間。

  • Trump's trying to call me." [ Laughter ]

    特朗普想給我打電話。"[笑聲]

  • Hey, are you that talk-show -- that game-show host?

    嘿,你是那個脫口秀... 那個遊戲節目主持人嗎?

  • "That's right." [ Laughter ]

    "這是正確的。"[笑聲]

  • Carl Bernstein said Trump's call was far worse than Watergate.

    卡爾-伯恩斯坦說,特朗普的電話比水門事件嚴重得多。

  • Doesn't mean much to Trump. He thinks Watergate is about

    對特朗普來說,並不意味著什麼。他認為水門事件是關於

  • toilets not flushing hard enough.

    廁所沖水力度不夠。

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • "Sometimes you have to flush it two, three times."

    "有時候你得衝兩三次。"

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • Trump tried everything to persuade the Secretary of State,

    特朗普想盡辦法勸說國務卿。

  • but he wouldn't budge.

    但他不肯讓步。

  • Later, Trump told Raffensperger,

    後來,特朗普告訴拉芬斯伯格。

  • "Come on. You were such a nice guy on 'Cheers.'

    "別這樣,你在'乾杯'裡是個好人。你在'乾杯'上是個好人。

  • What happened to you? [ Laughter ]

    你怎麼了?[笑聲]

  • "Yeah, that's what you call voter fraud there, Sammy."

    "是啊,這就是你所謂的選民欺詐,薩米。"

  • [ Laughter ] Thank you very much.

    [笑]非常感謝你。

  • Thank you very much. -Nice, nice.

    謝謝你,非常感謝-很好,很好

  • -I break it out every now and then. Thank you.

    -我時不時就會把它拿出來我時不時就會把它拿出來。

  • Another combination -- pull it out, put it back in.

    另一個組合--拔出來,再放回去。

  • "Yeah, that's what you call voter fraud there, Sammy."

    "是啊,這就是你所謂的選民欺詐,薩米。"

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • Yep, Trump's call just kept going.

    是的,特朗普的電話一直在打。

  • Listen to what else he had to say.

    聽聽他還有什麼話要說。

  • -Interesting, right? [ Applause ]

    -有趣的,對不對?[掌聲]

  • "Pw-e-e-ease?"

    "Pw-e-e-ease?"

  • And a lot of people are talking about this.

    而且很多人都在討論這個問題。

  • On Wednesday, Congress is set to certify Joe Biden's victory,

    週三,國會將對喬-拜登的勝利進行認證。

  • but 12 Republican Senators

    但12名共和黨參議員

  • have pledged to challenge the results.

    已承諾對結果提出質疑。

  • Can we see the 12 Republican senators?

    我們能看到12名共和黨參議員嗎?

  • It looks like the chart of different haircuts

    看起來像不同髮型的圖表

  • you get at a Supercuts in Idaho.

    你可以在愛達荷州的超市買到。

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • They are the head shots if you were casting a movie

    如果你在電影裡選角的話,它們就是頭像了。

  • about an evil lawyer who swindles an orphanage.

    關於一個邪惡的律師詐騙孤兒院的故事。

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • That's the cast of "Oceans 12"

    這就是 "海洋12 "的演員陣容。

  • if they were robbing an L.L.Bean.

    如果他們是搶劫L. L. Bean。

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • Meanwhile, all eyes will be on Georgia tomorrow

    同時,明天所有的目光將集中在喬治亞州

  • for the state's two runoff races,

    為該州的兩場第二輪選舉。

  • which will determine the Senate majority.

    這將決定參議院的多數。

  • Another Election Night?

    又是一個選舉之夜?

  • All right! [ Laughter ]

    好吧![笑聲]

  • Yep, the election is tomorrow, which means we should have

    是的,明天就是選舉了,這意味著我們應該有。

  • the results by approximately Cinco de Mayo.

    到5月5日左右的結果。

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • That's right, it's a big night. In fact, Brian Williams

    沒錯,這是一個重要的夜晚。事實上,布萊恩-威廉姆斯

  • is already doing his voice exercises.

    已經在做他的聲音練習了。

  • "It is too close to call. It is too close to call.

    "這太接近了,無法決定。太接近了

  • It is too close to call." [ Laughter ]

    這是太接近了,以調用。"[笑聲]

  • "Are you the game-show host?" "You betcha, yeah!"

    "你是遊戲節目主持人嗎?""你猜對了,是啊!"

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • Yep. Everyone's focused on Georgia's

    是啊大家都在關注喬治亞州的

  • Senate election, and now several members of Congress

    參議院選舉,現在有幾位國會議員。

  • are speaking out about the runoffs.

    都在說第二輪選舉的事情。

  • For example, Republican Congressman Bob Good

    例如,共和黨議員鮑勃-古德

  • said if the Republicans win both races,

    說,如果共和黨贏得兩場選舉。

  • then I will feel very, well, my last name."

    那我就會覺得很,好,我的姓。"

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • Then Democratic Congresswoman Susan Wild said,

    時任民主黨女議員蘇珊-懷爾德說。

  • "If the Republicans win both races,

    "如果共和黨贏得兩場選舉。

  • that'd be absolutely, well, my last name."

    這將是絕對的,嗯,我的姓。"

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • Then Republican Andy Barr said, "If the Democrats pull this off

    然後,共和黨人安迪-巴爾說:"如果民主黨人把這件事辦成了。

  • I'm gonna spend every night at the, well, my last name."

    我每天晚上都會在,嗯,我的姓。"

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • Then, Congresswoman Virginia Foxx said,

    然後,女議員弗吉尼亞-福克斯說。

  • "I might be a Republican, but I can't deny

    "我可能是個共和黨人,但我不能否認

  • that Jon Ossoff is a total, well, my last name."

    那喬恩-奧索夫是一個總的,嗯,我的姓。"

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • Then Republican Congressman French Hill said,

    時任共和黨國會議員法國希爾說。

  • "If the Democrats beat us, I'm gonna pack my bags

    "如果民主黨打敗了我們,我就會收拾行李

  • and move to, well, my full name."

    並搬到,嗯,我的全名。"

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • And finally, Missouri Senator Roy Blunt said,

    最後,密蘇里州參議員羅伊-布朗特說。

  • "Whoever wins, I'mma order some Papa John's

    "不管誰贏了,我都會點一些約翰老爹的東西

  • and roll a big giant spliff."

    並捲起一根巨大的菸頭。"

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

    [笑聲和掌聲]

  • Some sports news. Guys, the NFL regular season

    一些體育新聞。夥計們,NFL常規賽

  • is over, and for the first time

    結束了,第一次

  • since 2002 the Cleveland Browns are going to the playoffs.

    自2002年以來,克利夫蘭布朗隊就要進入季後賽了。

  • [ Cheering and applause ]

    [歡呼和掌聲]

  • Even Georgia Secretary of State was like, "That can't be right.

    連佐治亞州的國務卿都說:"這不可能是對的。

  • Count the wins again." [ Laughter ]

    再次計算勝利。"[笑聲]

  • When they heard that they made the playoffs,

    當他們聽說自己進入了季後賽。

  • the Browns were like, "There's more games after the season?"

    布朗隊就像,"賽季結束後還有更多的比賽?"

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • "Do they do that every year?" [ Laughter ]

    "他們每年都這樣做嗎?"[笑聲]

  • "Wow."

    "哇"

  • Yeah, the Browns are going to the playoffs.

    是啊,布朗隊要進季後賽了。

  • Fans are like, "Thanks. The one year

    粉絲們都說:"謝謝。一年的

  • we can't be there in person. You gotta be kidding me."

    我們不能親自到場。你一定是在開玩笑。"

  • Right now, the people of Cleveland are thinking,

    現在,克利夫蘭的人民正在思考。

  • "Even when we win, we lose." [ Laughter ]

    "即使我們贏了,我們也會輸。"[笑聲]

  • Some business news. I saw that Pizza Hut

    一些商業新聞。我看到必勝客

  • is celebrating 25 years of its famous stuffed crust

    慶祝其著名的餡餅皮25年。

  • by giving away a stuffed crust pizza

    贈送一個餡餅皮的比薩餅

  • without the actual pizza. Take a look at this.

    沒有實際的比薩餅。看看這個。

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • It's great if you want a pizza that more closely resembles

    如果你想吃一個更接近於

  • an unrolled condom. [ Laughter ]

    一個未滾動的保險套。[笑聲]

  • -Ha! [ Cymbals crash ]

    -哈![鈸的崩潰]

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

    [笑聲和掌聲]

  • -Seriously, what could be more exciting

    -說真的,還有什麼比這更刺激的呢?

  • than sinking your teeth into a soggy cheese tire?

    比把牙齒塞進溼漉漉的奶酪輪胎裡還要難受?

  • [ Laughter ] Here's how they do it.

    [笑] 他們是這樣做的。

  • First, they make the pizza, then the delivery guy

    先是做披薩,然後是送外賣的人。

  • eats it from the inside out before handing it to you.

    在遞給你之前,先把它從裡面吃出來。

  • Takes practice, but you can do it.

    需要練習,但你可以做到。