Hello! Wow.

你好！譁！

That feels great.

這感覺很好。

Welcome, welcome, welcome to "The Tonight Show."

歡迎，歡迎，歡迎來到 "今夜秀"。

[ Cheering and applause ]

[歡呼和掌聲]

I'd like to start by wishing everyone a very happy new year.

在此，我首先祝大家新年快樂。

[ Cheering and applause ]

[歡呼和掌聲]

Yep. Thankfully, it is a new year,

是的。幸好，這是一個新的一年。

and, boy, aren't things better now?

而且，孩子，是不是事情現在更好？

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Well, guys, everybody is talking about this.

好了，夥計們，每個人都在談論這個。

Over the weekend, President Trump

上週末，美國總統特朗普

called Georgia Secretary of State,

稱為佐治亞州國務卿。

Brad Raffensperger, about the election

布拉德-拉芬斯伯格，關於選舉。

and might have gotten himself into some major legal trouble.

並可能讓自己陷入一些重大的法律麻煩。

"Let's hear what crime it was this time!"

"讓我們聽聽這次是什麼罪！"

Yeah. [ Laughter ]

是啊。[笑聲]

That's right. Trump asked him to somehow

沒錯，特朗普讓他以某種方式特朗普要求他以某種方式

find enough votes to flip Georgia

爭取到足夠的票數來推翻喬治亞州

so that he would win the state by one vote.

這樣他就能以一票之差贏得該州。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

One vote. Trump was like,

一票。特朗普就像。

"'Cause if we're gonna do this, we can't make it obvious."

"因為如果我們要做這個，我們不能讓它明顯。"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Apparently, every January, Trump's New Year's resolution

顯然，每年1月，特朗普的新年決心

is to find a new way to get impeached.

是找到一種新的方式來獲得彈劾。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Trump's call lasted for an hour, by the way.

順便說一句，特朗普的通話持續了一個小時。

An hour. It was like one of his calls

一個小時。就像他的一個電話

to "Fox & Friends," except he actually cared

到 "福克斯和朋友"，除了他實際上關心

what the other person had to say on this one.

另一個人對這個問題有什麼看法。

[ Laughter ] What a waste.

[笑]什麼是浪費。

Trump could've spent that hour

特朗普可以花一個小時的時間

not helping roll out the vaccine.

不幫助推出疫苗。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

As if the story isn't crazy enough,

好像這個故事還不夠瘋狂似的。

Trump had tried calling him 18 times since the election.

自大選以來，特朗普曾18次嘗試給他打電話。

Yeah. I think we're one call away

是的，我想我們只需要一個電話就可以了。

from Trump saying, "I'm on your front porch.

從特朗普說："我在你的前廊。

I can see you're home. Pick up.

我可以看到你在家。接電話

I can see you're screening the call, you're making eggs.

我看到你在篩選電話，你在做雞蛋。

Hello. I'm right here."

你好，我就在這裡。我就在這裡。"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

18 times!

18次！

Apparently, Raffensperger was thinking about

很顯然，拉芬斯伯格在考慮的是

putting the phone on vibrate and turning it into a massager.

把手機調成震動，變成按摩器。

[ Cellphone vibrating ]

[手機振動]

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

[ Cellphone vibrating ]

[手機振動]

That cost us $100,000 for that sound.

為了這個聲音，我們花了十萬塊錢。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

You know you've -- [ Cellphone vibrating ]

你知道你已經 - [手機震動]

No, thank you. $150,000.

不，謝謝你。$150,000.

You know you've lost power when someone gets a call

當有人接到電話時，你就知道你已經失去了電力。

from the president and presses ignore 18 times.

從總統和按忽略18次。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

When Trump calls, people actually move to the room

當特朗普打電話時，人們實際上是搬到房間裡去了。

in the house where the connection is spotty.

在連接不穩定的房子裡。

It's like, "Honey, I'll be in the crawl space.

就像，"親愛的，我在爬行空間。

Trump's trying to call me." [ Laughter ]

特朗普想給我打電話。"[笑聲]

Hey, are you that talk-show -- that game-show host?

嘿，你是那個脫口秀... 那個遊戲節目主持人嗎？

"That's right." [ Laughter ]

"這是正確的。"[笑聲]

Carl Bernstein said Trump's call was far worse than Watergate.

卡爾-伯恩斯坦說，特朗普的電話比水門事件嚴重得多。

Doesn't mean much to Trump. He thinks Watergate is about

對特朗普來說，並不意味著什麼。他認為水門事件是關於

toilets not flushing hard enough.

廁所沖水力度不夠。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

"Sometimes you have to flush it two, three times."

"有時候你得衝兩三次。"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Trump tried everything to persuade the Secretary of State,

特朗普想盡辦法勸說國務卿。

but he wouldn't budge.

但他不肯讓步。

Later, Trump told Raffensperger,

後來，特朗普告訴拉芬斯伯格。

"Come on. You were such a nice guy on 'Cheers.'

"別這樣，你在'乾杯'裡是個好人。你在'乾杯'上是個好人。

What happened to you? [ Laughter ]

你怎麼了？[笑聲]

"Yeah, that's what you call voter fraud there, Sammy."

"是啊，這就是你所謂的選民欺詐，薩米。"

[ Laughter ] Thank you very much.

[笑]非常感謝你。

Thank you very much. -Nice, nice.

謝謝你，非常感謝-很好，很好

-I break it out every now and then. Thank you.

-我時不時就會把它拿出來我時不時就會把它拿出來。

Another combination -- pull it out, put it back in.

另一個組合--拔出來，再放回去。

"Yeah, that's what you call voter fraud there, Sammy."

"是啊，這就是你所謂的選民欺詐，薩米。"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Yep, Trump's call just kept going.

是的，特朗普的電話一直在打。

Listen to what else he had to say.

聽聽他還有什麼話要說。

-Interesting, right? [ Applause ]

-有趣的，對不對？[掌聲]

"Pw-e-e-ease?"

"Pw-e-e-ease？"

And a lot of people are talking about this.

而且很多人都在討論這個問題。

On Wednesday, Congress is set to certify Joe Biden's victory,

週三，國會將對喬-拜登的勝利進行認證。

but 12 Republican Senators

但12名共和黨參議員

have pledged to challenge the results.

已承諾對結果提出質疑。

Can we see the 12 Republican senators?

我們能看到12名共和黨參議員嗎？

It looks like the chart of different haircuts

看起來像不同髮型的圖表

you get at a Supercuts in Idaho.

你可以在愛達荷州的超市買到。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

They are the head shots if you were casting a movie

如果你在電影裡選角的話，它們就是頭像了。

about an evil lawyer who swindles an orphanage.

關於一個邪惡的律師詐騙孤兒院的故事。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

That's the cast of "Oceans 12"

這就是 "海洋12 "的演員陣容。

if they were robbing an L.L.Bean.

如果他們是搶劫L. L. Bean。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Meanwhile, all eyes will be on Georgia tomorrow

同時，明天所有的目光將集中在喬治亞州

for the state's two runoff races,

為該州的兩場第二輪選舉。

which will determine the Senate majority.

這將決定參議院的多數。

Another Election Night?

又是一個選舉之夜？

All right! [ Laughter ]

好吧！[笑聲]

Yep, the election is tomorrow, which means we should have

是的，明天就是選舉了，這意味著我們應該有。

the results by approximately Cinco de Mayo.

到5月5日左右的結果。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

That's right, it's a big night. In fact, Brian Williams

沒錯，這是一個重要的夜晚。事實上，布萊恩-威廉姆斯

is already doing his voice exercises.

已經在做他的聲音練習了。

"It is too close to call. It is too close to call.

"這太接近了，無法決定。太接近了

It is too close to call." [ Laughter ]

這是太接近了，以調用。"[笑聲]

"Are you the game-show host?" "You betcha, yeah!"

"你是遊戲節目主持人嗎？""你猜對了，是啊！"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Yep. Everyone's focused on Georgia's

是啊大家都在關注喬治亞州的

Senate election, and now several members of Congress

參議院選舉，現在有幾位國會議員。

are speaking out about the runoffs.

都在說第二輪選舉的事情。

For example, Republican Congressman Bob Good

例如，共和黨議員鮑勃-古德

said if the Republicans win both races,

說，如果共和黨贏得兩場選舉。

then I will feel very, well, my last name."

那我就會覺得很，好，我的姓。"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Then Democratic Congresswoman Susan Wild said,

時任民主黨女議員蘇珊-懷爾德說。

"If the Republicans win both races,

"如果共和黨贏得兩場選舉。

that'd be absolutely, well, my last name."

這將是絕對的，嗯，我的姓。"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Then Republican Andy Barr said, "If the Democrats pull this off

然後，共和黨人安迪-巴爾說："如果民主黨人把這件事辦成了。

I'm gonna spend every night at the, well, my last name."

我每天晚上都會在，嗯，我的姓。"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Then, Congresswoman Virginia Foxx said,

然後，女議員弗吉尼亞-福克斯說。

"I might be a Republican, but I can't deny

"我可能是個共和黨人，但我不能否認

that Jon Ossoff is a total, well, my last name."

那喬恩-奧索夫是一個總的，嗯，我的姓。"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Then Republican Congressman French Hill said,

時任共和黨國會議員法國希爾說。

"If the Democrats beat us, I'm gonna pack my bags

"如果民主黨打敗了我們，我就會收拾行李

and move to, well, my full name."

並搬到，嗯，我的全名。"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

And finally, Missouri Senator Roy Blunt said,

最後，密蘇里州參議員羅伊-布朗特說。

"Whoever wins, I'mma order some Papa John's

"不管誰贏了，我都會點一些約翰老爹的東西

and roll a big giant spliff."

並捲起一根巨大的菸頭。"

[ Laughter and applause ]

[笑聲和掌聲]

Some sports news. Guys, the NFL regular season

一些體育新聞。夥計們，NFL常規賽

is over, and for the first time

結束了，第一次

since 2002 the Cleveland Browns are going to the playoffs.

自2002年以來，克利夫蘭布朗隊就要進入季後賽了。

[ Cheering and applause ]

[歡呼和掌聲]

Even Georgia Secretary of State was like, "That can't be right.

連佐治亞州的國務卿都說："這不可能是對的。

Count the wins again." [ Laughter ]

再次計算勝利。"[笑聲]

When they heard that they made the playoffs,

當他們聽說自己進入了季後賽。

the Browns were like, "There's more games after the season?"

布朗隊就像，"賽季結束後還有更多的比賽？"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

"Do they do that every year?" [ Laughter ]

"他們每年都這樣做嗎？"[笑聲]

"Wow."

"哇"

Yeah, the Browns are going to the playoffs.

是啊，布朗隊要進季後賽了。

Fans are like, "Thanks. The one year

粉絲們都說："謝謝。一年的

we can't be there in person. You gotta be kidding me."

我們不能親自到場。你一定是在開玩笑。"

Right now, the people of Cleveland are thinking,

現在，克利夫蘭的人民正在思考。

"Even when we win, we lose." [ Laughter ]

"即使我們贏了，我們也會輸。"[笑聲]

Some business news. I saw that Pizza Hut

一些商業新聞。我看到必勝客

is celebrating 25 years of its famous stuffed crust

慶祝其著名的餡餅皮25年。

by giving away a stuffed crust pizza

贈送一個餡餅皮的比薩餅

without the actual pizza. Take a look at this.

沒有實際的比薩餅。看看這個。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

It's great if you want a pizza that more closely resembles

如果你想吃一個更接近於

an unrolled condom. [ Laughter ]

一個未滾動的保險套。[笑聲]

-Ha! [ Cymbals crash ]

-哈！[鈸的崩潰]

[ Laughter and applause ]

[笑聲和掌聲]

-Seriously, what could be more exciting

-說真的，還有什麼比這更刺激的呢？

than sinking your teeth into a soggy cheese tire?

比把牙齒塞進溼漉漉的奶酪輪胎裡還要難受？

[ Laughter ] Here's how they do it.

[笑] 他們是這樣做的。

First, they make the pizza, then the delivery guy

先是做披薩，然後是送外賣的人。

eats it from the inside out before handing it to you.

在遞給你之前，先把它從裡面吃出來。

Takes practice, but you can do it.

需要練習，但你可以做到。

Some entertainment news.

一些娛樂新聞。

I saw that a Rubik's cube movie is now in the works.

我看到魔術方塊電影正在籌備中。

I don't know about you, I'm not streaming that movie.

我不知道你，我不流的電影。

A Rubik's cube is meant to be enjoyed on the big screen.

魔術方塊是要在大屏幕上享受的。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

I'm sure it'll be great, though. It's basically "Spider-Man"

不過我相信一定會很棒的。基本上就是 "蜘蛛俠 "了

if Peter Parker never got bit by a spider.

如果彼得・帕克沒有被蜘蛛咬過的話。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

And, finally, this is strange. I saw that a seemingly

最後，這就奇怪了。我看到，一個看似

normal house for sale in Vermont has an entire jail inside.

在佛蒙特州出售的普通房子裡面有整個監獄。

Man, as a parent, you could really put a kid in a time-out.

男人，作為父母，你真的可以把一個孩子放在一個超時空裡。

I mean, wow. [ Laughter ]

我的意思是，哇。[笑聲]

The listing agent was like, "It comes with hardwood floors,

房源中介就說："它帶有硬木地板。

a large backyard, and Carl,

一個大後院，而卡爾。

who's serving 10 to 15 for armed robbery.

因持槍搶劫被判10到15年的人。

[ Laughter ] "I'm hungry."

[笑] "我餓了。"

The previous owner decided to sell because the overhead

前任老闆決定出售，因為開銷太大。

was a little high, and he was tired

有點高，他累了

of getting shivved every morning.

每天早上都會被打得頭破血流