(audience clapping)

（觀眾鼓掌）

Oh my god.

哦，我的上帝。

Conan, this is a

柯南，這是一個

Tonkean Celebes monkey,

通科塞萊貝斯猴。

a type of macaque.

獼猴的一種。

He just recognized me and freaked out.

他只是認出了我，嚇壞了。

I know.

我知道，我知道

These things evolved from humans actually.

這些東西其實是由人類進化而來的。

Oh look at this little guy.

哦，看看這個小傢伙。

Quite an improvement.

頗有進步。

Look at that cute little bottle you got there.

看你那可愛的小瓶子。

This is a bottle, you can try to feed him.

這是個奶瓶，你可以試著喂他。

Yeah, that's great.

是的，這是很好的。

I hoped that you didn't have to work very hard at it.

我希望你不用很辛苦的去做。

Aw, looks it's like he got that on an airline, isn't it?

哦，看起來他好像是在航空公司得到的，是嗎？

Oh, that is so sweet.

哦，那是如此甜蜜。

And so it's what kind of monkey?

所以它是什麼猴子？

It's called a Tonkean Celebes monkey.

它叫通克塞萊貝斯猴。

They come from Indonesia.

他們來自印度尼西亞。

And this is a six-month-old baby.

而這是一個六個月大的嬰兒。

They normally don't wear diapers but,

他們平時不穿尿布，但。

the diaper's for your suit.

尿布的你的西裝。

They're not born in diapers are they?

他們不是在尿布裡出生的吧？

No.

不知道

Fascinating.

迷人的。

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

It's so cute.

它是如此可愛。

And how old is this little baby?

那這個小寶寶多大了？

Hey where are you going there buddy?

嘿，你要去哪裡，夥計？

He's six months old,

他才六個月大

and when he's fully grown,

而當他完全長大後。

he'll be possibly 24 to 30 inches.

他可能是24到30英寸。

And these animals live in troops.

而這些動物生活在部隊裡。

(audience and Clyde laughing)

（觀眾和克萊德笑）

So nice, aww.

這麼好，啊。

(audience sighing)

(觀眾嘆息)

The males troop together,

雄性部隊一起。

and the females stay together.

和女性呆在一起。

When the males recognize that the females are in heat,

當雄性認識到雌性正在發情時。

they'll stay around them for about 10 days

他們會在他們身邊停留10天左右。

before they.

之前，他們。

Does he know now that I'm in heat?

他現在知道我發情了嗎？

Doesn't he sense

他不知道嗎？

that I'm ready to get it on with any monkey?

我已經準備好和任何一隻猴子做愛了嗎？

Hey, hey, okay, he does, he does.

嘿，嘿，好吧，他是，他是。

He didn't like that at all.

他一點也不喜歡這樣。

He was just gumming you.

他只是在糊弄你

He was like, I'm not into that.

他說，我不喜歡這樣。

All right, well thank you.

好吧，謝謝你。

Does he have a name?

他有名字嗎？

Yes he does, it's Sam.

是的，他是山姆。

Sam, okay?

山姆，好嗎？

All right, very nice.

好吧，非常好。

Well very nice to meet you Sam.

很高興認識你，薩姆

Okay Sam.

好吧，山姆。

Sam's a little sweetie.

薩姆是個小甜心

Now Sams' trying to escape from you.

現在薩姆想從你這裡逃出去了

Let's see, we'll put him over here.

讓我們看看，我們會把他放在這裡。

Never met that guy.

從來沒有見過那個人。

Does he even work for you?

他是否為你工作？

(audiences laughing)

（觀眾笑）

Random people are coming out of the audience

隨機的人從觀眾席上走出來

to take the animals away.

把動物帶走。

Here's another baby.

這是另一個嬰兒。

And this is a baby wallaby,

而這是一隻小袋鼠。

called a Bennett's wallaby.

被稱為班尼特的沙袋鼠。

And they come from Australia, Tazmania.

而他們來自澳洲，塔茲曼尼亞。

Would this drink out of the same bottle?

這個會不會用同一個瓶子喝？

He might, yes.

他可能會，是的。

Should they share interspecies germs?

它們應該共享種間病菌嗎？

Or this that okay?

還是說這個可以？

We have some fruits back here.

我們有一些水果回到這裡。

He just smelled monkey on it,

他只是在上面聞到了猴子的味道。

and was like, no thank you.

並想，沒有謝謝你。

We'll see what we can do here.

我們看看我們能在這裡做什麼。

What's this? Right here?

這是什麼？就在這裡？

He might take the berry, I don't know.

他可能會拿走漿果，我不知道。

Okay, wow, I've never seen.

好吧，哇，我從來沒有見過。

These are actually grazers,

這些其實都是食肉動物。

but in captivity, they'll certainly take fruits.

但在被囚禁的情況下，他們一定會取得成果。

That's the finicky-est eater I've ever seen.

這是我見過的最挑剔的食客。

(Conan animating his voice)

（柯南動畫他的聲音）

No I don't think so, not for me.

不，我不這麼認為，不適合我。

No, no, no. Thank you very much, I appreciate it,

不，不，不。非常感謝你，我很感激。

but I don't think so, no.

但我不這麼認為，沒有。

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

Just sniffing it and not really doing anything.

只聞其聲，不見其人。

How does this animal survive in the wild?

這種動物在野外如何生存？

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

Actually, they are incredible survivors

其實，他們是不可思議的倖存者

because they live in very dry areas.

因為它們生活在非常乾燥的地區。

And they graze,

他們吃草。

and oftentimes don't have standing water available to drink.

而且經常沒有可供飲用的常水。

Aw, smelled the product in my hair.

啊，聞到了我頭髮上的產品味道。

(Conan laughing)

（柯南笑）

(audience laughing and clapping)

（觀眾笑著鼓掌）

Right, if I ever get the chance, I'll kill you.

好吧，如果我有機會，我就殺了你。

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

Well we should move along.

好吧，我們應該繼續前進。

Oh now, now once I'm not touching it,

哦，現在，現在一旦我不碰它。

he wants the berry.

他想要的漿果。

Okay, come with me sweetie right there, all right.

好了，跟我來吧，親愛的，在那裡，所有的權利。

Oh hi, how are you?

哦，嗨，你好嗎？

Nice to see you.

很高興見到你

Oh my god, here we go.

哦，我的上帝，在這裡我們去。

Now we're talking.

現在，我們正在談論。

Here's an amazing animal that comes from the rainforest

這是一種來自熱帶雨林的神奇動物。

of Central and South America.

中美洲和南美洲。

I have to be honest.

我必須說實話。

This looks like something from outer space.

這看起來像外太空的東西。

I'm not kidding, look at those claws.

我不是在開玩笑，看看這些爪子。

What is this animal?

這是什麼動物？

This is a Two-toed sloth.

這是一隻二趾樹懶。

It should actually be called

其實應該叫

a Two-toed toenailed sloth actually.

a 兩趾趾甲懶人其實。

But, this animal hangs upside down in a Cecropia tree.

但是，這隻動物倒掛在一棵仙人掌樹上。

So these things are found in the wild?

所以這些東西是在野外發現的？

These little mini jungle gyms?

這些迷你叢林小健身房？

I brought this back from my last Amazon trip.

我上次亞馬遜之行帶回來的。

These grow naturally in the wild.

這些都是在野外自然生長的。

Will he eat this strawberry?

他會吃這個草莓嗎？

Yes, I think he might take a grape

是的，我想他可能會吃葡萄。

if he doesn't take the strawberry.

如果他不拿草莓。

He loves grapes.

他喜歡葡萄。

Try a grape.

試試葡萄。

I can't believe these animals are all like supermodels.

我不敢相信這些動物都像超模一樣。

You want a grape there sloth?

你想吃葡萄嗎？

There we go.

我們走吧

(audience sighs)

（觀眾嘆息）

Look at those eyes.

看看這雙眼睛。

Those are the eyes of a killer.

這是一個殺手的眼睛。

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

And this is an animal

而這是一種動物

that just likes to kind of hang out and chill.

這只是喜歡那種掛出和寒意。

They eat very little.

他們吃得很少。

They have slow metabolisms.

他們的新陳代謝緩慢。

Once a week, they come down out of the tree.

每週一次，他們從樹上下來。

I've got an uncle like that.

我有一個這樣的叔叔。

(Conan laughing)

（柯南笑）

(audience laughing and clapping)

（觀眾笑著鼓掌）

So this guy doesn't do that much.

所以這傢伙並沒有做那麼多。

Just sort of hangs there and eats grapes all day.

只是有點掛在那裡，整天吃葡萄。

As I started to say,

正如我開始說的那樣。

he'll come down once a week.

他每週會下來一次。

Oh, I guess you think I talk too much, huh?

哦，我猜你覺得我話太多了，是吧？

No. (Clyde laughing)

不，（克萊德笑）

I'm sorry Clyde.

我很抱歉，克萊德。

He'll defecate at the base of the tree.

他會在樹的底部排洩。

Oh great, I'm glad you interrupted what I was saying.

哦，太好了，我很高興你打斷了我說的話。

Conan, I gotta get this in.

柯南，我得把這個放進去

What is it Clyde?

怎麼了，克萊德？

They defecate.

他們排洩。

It's important stuff.

這是很重要的東西。

It's not important stuff.

這不是重要的東西。

It is because he fertilizes the tree that he lives off of.

因為他給他賴以生存的樹施肥。

And he takes a chance on getting preyed upon

而他卻冒著被獵殺的危險。

by a jaguar or something while he's doing this.

在他做這個的時候，被美洲虎或什麼東西咬了。

So this animal risks death to feed the trees in its area.

所以這種動物冒著死亡的危險來餵養它所在區域的樹木。

That's exactly right.

那是完全正確的。

That's a dumb animal.

那是一種愚蠢的動物。

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

All right, we should head over this way.

好吧，我們應該往這邊走。

Yeah, let's take a look at something else over here.

是啊，讓我們看看別的東西在這裡。

I wanna see what this is all about right here.

我想看看這到底是怎麼回事。

This is where Clyde likes to bathe every evening.

這裡是克萊德每天晚上喜歡洗澡的地方。

What is this?

這是什麼？

Oh my god, is this a shark?

哦，我的上帝，這是一個鯊魚？

This is a shark.

這是一條鯊魚。

This is a nurse shark,

這是一個護士鯊。

and they live in the coastal waters.

他們生活在沿海水域。

(water splashing)

（水花）

Is it okay?

可以嗎？

Look at this thing.

看看這個東西。

And are those its teeth?

那是它的牙齒嗎？

Or is that a mustache of some kind?

還是說那是某種鬍子？

They do have teeth.

他們確實有牙齒。

They have thousands of serrated teeth,

它們有成千上萬的鋸齒。

which they use to crush shellfish.

他們用它來壓碎貝類。

And he could do a good job of your hand.

而且他能把你的手藝做得很好。

Why didn't you tell me that before the segment?

你為什麼不在段子之前告訴我？

Why shove the shark into my suit jacket

為什麼把鯊魚塞進我的西裝外套裡？

and then tell me that it's a killer?

然後告訴我，這是一個殺手？

They're not normally aggressive,

他們通常不具有攻擊性。

but they certainly can be.

但他們當然可以。

Is it okay out of the water?

出水可以嗎？

For a brief period of time.

在短暫的時間內。

Actually, they can stay out of water

其實，他們可以不沾水的

much longer than one would think.

比人們想象的要長得多。

And what he's doing here,

而他在這裡做什麼。

he's using muscles behind his gills.

他在用腮後的肌肉。

And if he were in the water,

如果他在水裡。

he would pump the water through his mouth

他會用嘴抽水

and out past the gills

腮邊

so that he can stay at the bottom

這樣他就可以留在底層

and continue to extract oxygen from the water

並繼續從水中提取氧氣

without moving like most sharks.

不像大多數鯊魚那樣一動不動。

That was a long story.

說來話長。

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

Hey, whoa hey, take it easy.

嘿，哇，嘿，別激動。

What are you doing?

你在做什麼？

Why make him pay for your bad anectote?

為什麼要讓他為你的壞消息付出代價？

(Clyde laughing)

（克萊德笑）

(audience clapping)

（觀眾鼓掌）

All right, we got time for one more.

好了，我們還有時間再來一次。

One more. Where is the last one?

還有一個最後一個在哪裡？

Where's the python?

蟒蛇呢？

(audience groaning)

（觀眾呻吟）

Oh my god.

哦，我的上帝。

You take the head Conan.

柯南，你拿著腦袋

Take the head? Oh thanks, great.

把頭拿去？哦，謝謝，太好了。

That's the part that chop chop.

這就是砍砍砍的部分。

I'll tell you why.

我告訴你為什麼

How long is this python first of all?

首先這個python有多長？

This snake is about 17-1/2 feet, weighs 180 pounds.

這條蛇大約17 -1/2英尺，重180磅。

And if you notice his eyes are opaque?

如果你注意到他的眼睛是不透明的？

Yeah.

是啊。

He's getting ready to shed his skin.

他已經準備好脫皮了。

Okay, he's moving in a weird way.

好吧，他的動作很奇怪。

They're a little more nasty

他們是比較討厭的

when they're ready to shed.

當他們準備好脫落的時候。

He's he getting mad right now?

他現在是在生氣嗎？

Why is he contracting like this?

他為什麼要這樣收縮？

What's happening?

發生什麼事了？

He's pulling his head back,

他在把頭往後拉。

and he's looking at me in this weird way.

他看著我，以這種奇怪的方式。

Can he bite?

他能咬人嗎？

Can this animal bite?

這種動物能咬人嗎？

He can, he has about 100 needle-sharp teeth,

他可以，他有大約100顆針鋒相對的牙齒。

which kind of curve back.

哪種曲線回。

You're an ass.

你是個混蛋。

What are you talking about?

你在說什麼？

(audience clapping)

（觀眾鼓掌）

Are you choking my snake?

你是在掐我的蛇嗎？

No, I'm not choking your snake.

不，我不會掐死你的蛇。

He's coming up this way, he's coming up this way.

他往這邊來了，他往這邊來了。

Get behind pretty ladies.

躲在美女後面。

Oh, he's coming back.

哦，他回來了。

All right.

好吧，我知道了

Is there any way that I can summon the shark

有什麼辦法可以讓我召喚出鯊魚？

to my defense like Aquaman?

像水行俠一樣為我辯護？

You can try it.

你可以試試。

Shark um-tie, attack snake.

鯊魚嗯呔，攻擊蛇。

Baby monkeys.

小猴子。

Look at this sloth could care less

你看這個懶鬼，根本就不在乎

about what's happening on this TV show.

關於這個電視節目發生的事情。

However, the python would be very happy to

然而，蟒蛇會非常高興的。

try to eat the sloth.

試著吃樹懶。

We're gonna take a break because we're gonna have to go.

我們要休息一下，因為我們要去。

But thank you for bringing these animals here.

但謝謝你把這些動物帶到這裡來。

Clyde Peeling everyone.

克萊德-皮爾大家。

Simon Cowell coming up.

西蒙-考威爾來了。