Welcome to a late show.

歡迎來到晚間節目。

I'm your host, Stephen Colbert, Folks.

我是你們的主持人，斯蒂芬・科爾伯特，夥計們。

It has been nine long months since the lock down began, but there appears to be hope on the horizon to the east, across the pond.

自封鎖開始以來，已經過了漫長的9個月，但在池塘對岸的東邊，地平線上似乎出現了希望。

I'll tell you all about it in my could be ending someday.

我會在我可能的結局中告訴你所有的事情。

Segment.

段。

Catch a third wave.

抓住第三波。

Endless bummer.

無盡的無賴。

Hello, it's me, but it's lemony Fresh way.

你好，是我，但這是檸檬味的新鮮方式。

Let him say his lines.

讓他說他的臺詞。

We get him the hell out of here faster.

我們要讓他快點離開這裡。

This morning, in a scientific triumph, Britain became the first Western country to inoculate people against the coronavirus.

今天上午，在科學上取得了勝利，英國成為第一個為人們接種冠狀病毒的西方國家。

Of course, it being Britain, they give you a shot in the other arm, which they call a lorry on its administered with a spoonful of sugar.

當然，在英國，他們會給你的另一隻手臂打一針，他們稱之為 "卡車"，用一勺糖來管理。

The British vaccine or Brit, seen as no.

英國疫苗或英國人，被視為不。

One is calling it, is being offered on the basis of age groups, starting with the oldest people.

一個是叫它，是按年齡段提供，從最年長的人開始。

Well, of course, Britain's most important citizens are all old, the Queen dumbbell door.

嗯，當然，英國最重要的公民都是老人，女王啞鈴門。

Even that one doctor who has been on TV for over 50 years Who is that?

就連那個上了50多年電視的醫生都是誰？

Ho ho now, Conspirator.

嗬嗬，現在，陰謀家。

Sad.

悲哀啊

Uh, it is lemony conspiracy theorists who might I remind you are stupid.

呃，這是檸檬色的陰謀論者 誰我提醒你是愚蠢的。

Believe that the vaccine is a cover for a plan to implant trackable microchips and that Microsoft co founder Bill Gates is behind it.

相信疫苗是一個植入可追蹤微芯片的計劃的掩護，微軟聯合創始人比爾-蓋茨是幕後主使。

So congratulations to Bill Gates on your new Army of elderly Brits.

所以，恭喜比爾-蓋茨，你的英國老人新軍。

If you suspect your grandma has been shipped by Microsoft, there's one way to know for sure when she goes to sleep.

如果你懷疑你的奶奶已經被微軟運走了，有一個辦法可以確定她什麼時候睡覺。

Does this happen?

有這種情況嗎？

Here's the thing about this stupid, stupid conspiracy theory.

這就是這個愚蠢的，愚蠢的陰謀論。

Why would Bill Gates want to put a tracking chip in me?

比爾-蓋茨為什麼要在我身上放一個追蹤芯片？

It's not necessary.

沒必要

I already carry a tracking device everywhere we go and it's this.

我已經隨身攜帶了一個追蹤裝置，就是這個。

Even if they inject a tracking chip in my arm, I'm more likely to chop it off, then go anywhere without my phone, especially if it's the bathroom and it's gonna be a long E.

即使他們在我的手臂上注射了一個追蹤芯片，我也更有可能把它砍掉，然後去任何地方都不需要手機，尤其是如果是上廁所，而且會是一個漫長的E。

The first person can you say Long and CBS?

第一人你能說龍哥和CBS嗎？

The first person to get the vaccine in the U.

美國第一個接種疫苗的人。

K.

K.

Was 90 year old Margaret Keenan.

是90歲的瑪格麗特-基南。

Here she is getting shot.

她在這裡被槍殺。

Okay, Yeah, E se.

好吧，是的，E se。

Well done, I say, judging from the light smattering of applause, either that woman just got a lifesaving inoculation or hit a pretty good drive at Pebble Beach.

做得好，我說，從這輕飄飄的掌聲來看，那個女人不是剛打了一針救命針，就是在卵石灘打了一個漂亮的球。

The second person to get the vaccine in Britain was a man named and this Israel William Shakespeare, William Shakespeare that they can't be a mistake, that they had to have done that for PR because that's the most English name a person could possibly have Next.

英國第二個接種疫苗的人是一個叫和這個以色列威廉-莎士比亞的人，威廉-莎士比亞他們不可能是錯誤的，他們必須這樣做是為了公關，因為這是一個人可能擁有的最英國的名字 下一頁。

Thio, Lady Margaret, Cadbury Egg Thatcher, Buckingham, Paddington Shire on Avon.

蒂奧，瑪格麗特夫人，吉百利雞蛋撒切爾，白金漢，帕丁頓郡在雅芳。

But now that Britain has the vaccine, Americans are asking the American questions like Give it to me.

但現在英國有了疫苗，美國人就會問美國人的問題，比如給我。

Well, it might be a while before we can get given it.

好吧，這可能是一段時間後，我們可以得到它。

Because the new vaccine in the U.

因為美國的新疫苗。

K.

K.

Is from Pfizer, it's safe and 95% effective so naturally.

是輝瑞公司的，它的安全性和95%的有效性，所以自然。

Earlier this year, the White House passed on the chance to secure Mawr of the Pfizer vaccine.

今年早些時候，白宮傳遞了確保輝瑞疫苗的毛爾的機會。

Its leadership like that that will ensure the president will continue to lose the election.

它這樣的領導力將確保總統將繼續輸掉選舉。

Here's what happened While the vaccine was being developed, the administration made a deal with Pfizer to buy 100 million doses.

以下是發生的事情 當疫苗正在開發時，政府與輝瑞公司達成協議，購買1億劑疫苗。

Then Pfizer offered the administration the chance toe lock in supplies beyond that 100 million.

然後輝瑞公司給政府提供了機會，以鎖定超過1億的供應量。

But the administration never made the deal.

但政府從來沒有做過交易。

It's all laid out in the new book, The art of Why didn't You Make the Damn deal?

這一切都在新書《你為什麼不做那該死的交易的藝術》中得到了闡述。

The story is embarrassing for the White House today, the president scheduled a vaccine summit, but the two leading companies, Madonna and Pfizer, didn't attend.

這件事讓白宮今天很尷尬，總統安排了一個疫苗峰會，但麥當勞和輝瑞這兩家龍頭企業沒有參加。

But I'm sure we heard from the my vaccine guy at the some of the president bragged that his warp speed program sped up the vaccine in insane ways before Operation Warp speed.

但我相信我們聽到了我的疫苗傢伙在一些總統吹噓他的曲速計劃加快了疫苗的瘋狂方式之前的曲速行動。

The typical time frame for development.

典型的發展時限。

That approval, as you know, could be infinity.

你知道，這種認同，可能是無限的。

Yes, infinity, just like your case for election fraud is the square root of a negative number.

是的，無窮大，就像你的選舉舞弊案是負數的平方根一樣。

Imaginary slam Anoma tree.

想象中的大馬樹。

Then the president moved on to the main purpose of the event, signing an executive order proclaiming that other nations will not get the U.

然後，總統進入了活動的主要目的，簽署了一項行政命令，宣佈其他國家不會得到美國。

S supplies of its vaccine until Americans have been inoculated.

S供應其疫苗，直到美國人已經接種。

But the executive order by itself appears to have no real teeth, and it's signed by a man with no real hair or brain.

但行政命令本身似乎沒有真正的牙齒，它的簽署者是一個沒有真正的頭髮和大腦的人。

The president insisted that soon we will see a change in the infection rates.

總統堅持認為，很快我們將看到感染率的變化。

When America is faced with a challenge, we come through and we always come through to overcome every hardship and surmount every obstacle.

當美國面臨挑戰時，我們會挺身而出，我們總能克服一切困難，克服一切障礙。

And I think you'll be seeing that over the next few months.

我想在接下來的幾個月裡，你會看到這一點。

Uh, the numbers should skyrocket downward.

呃，數字應該會往下飆升。

Yes, that classic symbol of success, a rocket in the sky plummeting toward the ground.

是的，那是成功的經典象徵，天上的火箭向地面墜落。

It's like they say, Shoot for the moon.

就像他們說的，射向月亮。

If you miss, you will die alone in a frozen metal tube.

如果你失手了，你就會孤獨地死在冰凍的金屬管裡。

President took a few questions, and one reporter wondered why the White House was playing by different rules than the rest of the country.

總統接受了幾個問題，一個記者想知道為什麼白宮的遊戲規則與其他國家不同。

Officials here in this room have encouraged Americans not to travel this holiday season.

在座的官員都鼓勵美國人不要在這個假期出行。

Not good.

不太好

A large gathering across the street.

對面的大聚會。

You've been holding holiday parties with hundreds of people, many not wearing masks.

你舉辦的節日派對有幾百人，很多人都沒有戴面具。

Why are you modeling a different behavior to the American people than what you're trying to tell?

為什麼你給美國人民示範的行為和你想告訴的不一樣？

Well, their Christmas parties.

嗯，他們的聖誕派對。

What kind of parties it is doesn't matter unless you put so much rum and your eggnog that it's antiseptic and forget hospitals and nursing homes.

什麼樣的聚會是不重要的，除非你把這麼多的朗姆酒和你的蛋酒，它是防腐，忘記醫院和養老院。

The place that needs the vaccine first is the White House, because yet another member off the president's legal team just tested positive for co vid attorney and woman, demanding the Chipotle guy to pick the cilantro out of the rice Jenna Ellis.

首先需要疫苗的地方是白宮，因為總統的法律團隊的另一個成員剛剛測試出陽性的co vid律師和女人，要求Chipotle的傢伙把香菜從米飯中挑出來Jenna Ellis。

Now there's no way to know exactly where Ellis was exposed to a noxious cloud of pathogens, but it was definitely this.

現在無法知道埃利斯到底是在哪裡接觸到有害的病原體雲，但肯定是這個。

The answer that I gave you is they didn't bother to interview a single witness.

我給你的答案是他們不屑於採訪一個證人。

Okay, that's two reasons to wear a mask around roadie.

好吧，這是兩個戴口罩的理由，在路痴身邊。

Of course, it wouldn't be a hot White House co vid diagnosis if it didn't endanger others, because on Friday Ellis attended a Senior Staff Christmas party and was not seen wearing a mask.

當然，如果不危及他人，也不會成為白宮熱門的co vid診斷，因為上週五埃利斯參加了一個高級職員的聖誕派對，並沒有看到他戴著面具。

Well, at least she brought something for the secret Santa, although this is the White House, so that's a re gift.

好吧，至少她給祕密聖誕老人帶了點東西，雖然這裡是白宮，所以這是個重新的禮物。

Just because all the lawyers are sick doesn't mean the campaign has stopped losing.

雖然所有的律師都病了，但並不意味著競選活動不再失敗。

I'll tell you the blow by blow of how much they blow in tonight's deck.

我就告訴你，今晚的卡組中，他們吹了多少風。

The halls with failing lawsuit.

廳堂與失敗的訴訟。

Last I won, I won the road from the White House.

最後我贏了，我贏了白宮的路。

Despite losing 51 post election lawsuits, the president was still holding out hope for the Supreme Court.

儘管大選後輸掉了51場官司，但總統仍對最高法院抱有希望。

At his vaccine summit today, he said this.

在今天的疫苗峰會上，他這樣說。

Now let's see whether or not somebody has the courage, whether it's a legislator or legislatures, or whether it's a justice of the Supreme Court or a number of justices of the Supreme Court.

現在我們來看看是否有人有勇氣，不管是立法者還是立法機構，也不管是最高法院的法官還是最高法院的一些法官。

Let's see if they have the courage to do what everybody in this country knows is right.

讓我們看看他們是否有勇氣去做這個國家每個人都知道是正確的事情。

You mean drag you out of the White House by your ankles?

你是說用腳踝把你拖出白宮？

Where do we sign up?

我們在哪裡報名？

But just like each of his wives, the president has been repeatedly disappointed because just a few hours ago the Supreme Court rejected a case from Pennsylvania Republicans delivering a near fatal blow to the GOP s long shot bid to invalidate President elect Joe Biden's victory.

但就像他的每一個妻子一樣，總統一再失望，因為就在幾個小時前，最高法院駁回了賓夕法尼亞州共和黨人的案件，對共和黨人長期以來試圖使當選總統喬-拜登的勝利無效的努力造成了幾乎致命的打擊。

Wow, even Trump's hand pick, Supreme Court justices didn't want to hear this nonsense.

哇，連特朗普欽點的最高法院大法官都不想聽這些廢話。

Brett Kavanaugh.

Brett Kavanaugh

Do you have any coping mechanisms that might help the Republicans deal with this near fatal blow?

你有什麼應對機制可以幫助共和黨人應對這個幾乎致命的打擊嗎？

I like beer.

我喜歡啤酒

Okay, good.

好的，很好。

It's hard to explain the crazy argument they tried in this case, but here goes.

很難解釋他們在本案中嘗試的瘋狂論點，但這裡是。

Earlier this year, Pennsylvania's Republican controlled Legislature changed the laws there to allow universal mail in ballots.

今年早些時候，賓夕法尼亞州共和黨控制的立法機構修改了那裡的法律，允許普遍郵寄選票。

But now that they saw that Joe Biden won, Republicans were saying that the Republican legislature never had the power to do that.

但現在他們看到喬-拜登贏了，共和黨人就說，共和黨的立法機構從來沒有權力這麼做。

The solution they were asking for the court should invalidate all votes cast by mail in the general election, more than 2.5 million in total.

他們要求法院的解決方案應該使大選中所有通過郵寄方式投出的選票無效，共250多萬張。

So toss out all the votes after you know what the results are.

所以在知道結果後，把所有的票都扔掉。

That's like going to Vegas not betting until you see your cards, then burning down the casino now.

這就像去拉斯維加斯不看牌不下注，然後現在就燒掉賭場一樣。

There wasn't much to the court ruling.

法院的判決並沒有多少內容。

Just a short statement.

只是一個簡短的聲明。

The read The application for injunctive relief presented to Justice Alito and by him referred to the court is denied.

改為 "駁回向阿利托法官提出並由他提交給法院的禁令救濟申請"。

Whoa!

哇！

Justice Samuel Alito, Mr Citizens.

塞繆爾-阿利托法官，公民先生。

United himself rejected the case.

美聯航自己也拒絕了這個案子。

All my guess, it makes sense if you start taking constitutional rights away from citizens.

所有我的猜測，如果你開始剝奪公民的憲法權利，這是有道理的。

What's next?

下一步是什麼？

Taking constitutional rights away from corporations?

剝奪企業的憲法權利？

Giovanni needs that gun license.

喬瓦尼需要那張槍支執照

Another state where the president lost his fight against democracy is Arizona, which certified Joe Biden's victory over a week ago.

總統在與民主鬥爭中失敗的另一個州是亞利桑那州，該州在一週前證明了喬-拜登的勝利。

But last night, the Arizona Republican Party retweeted a pro trump account that said, I am willing to give my life for this fight, adding, In their retweet, he is.

但昨晚，亞利桑那州共和黨轉發了一個支持特朗普的賬號，說：我願意為這場戰鬥付出生命，並補充說：在他們的轉發中，他是。

Are you Arizonans?

你們是阿里桑人嗎？

The GOP is asking you to give your life to stop a fraud and a stealing oven election, despite the fact that their own lawyers in Arizona court said, we're not alleging fraud, we're not alleging anyone is stealing the election, so don't do it.

GOP要求你付出生命來阻止一場欺詐和偷爐選舉，儘管他們自己的律師在亞利桑那州的法庭上說，我們沒有指控欺詐，我們沒有指控任何人正在竊取選舉，所以不要這樣做。

They're only two good reasons to die in Arizona Grand Canyon selfie and choking on a turquoise belt buckle.

他們在亞利桑那州大峽谷自拍和被綠松石皮帶扣噎住，只有兩個好的死因。

I don't know how I got in your mouth, but I understand elsewhere.

我不知道我是怎麼進入你的嘴裡的，但我在其他地方明白。

Desperate attempts to steal the election or happening deep in the heart of Texas, Led by Texas Attorney General and Tin Tin going to divorce court Ken Paxton Paxton filed a Supreme Court lawsuit against states Biden won, and his argument is as simple as it is stupid.

絕望的企圖竊取選舉或發生在德克薩斯州的心臟深處，由德克薩斯州總檢察長和錫錫去離婚法庭肯-帕克斯頓帶領的帕克斯頓對拜登贏得的州提起了最高法院的訴訟，他的論點和愚蠢一樣簡單。

Texas argued that electors from Georgia, Michigan, Pennsylvania and Wisconsin should not be allowed to cast their votes because they changed their voting procedures during the coronavirus pandemic to allow for increased mail in ballots.

德克薩斯州認為，喬治亞州、密歇根州、賓夕法尼亞州和威斯康星州的選民不應該被允許投票，因為他們在冠狀病毒大流行期間改變了投票程序，允許增加郵寄選票。

In other words, these states votes shouldn't count because these states let people vote.

換句話說，這些州的選票不應該算數，因為這些州讓人投票。

Everyone should have to vote the way they do in Texas.

每個人都應該像在德州那樣投票。

If you could stay on the bull for eight seconds, you get to fire a rifle a tin can, displaying your candidate of choice Winner gets a Confederate sheet cake.

如果你能在公牛上停留8秒，你就能用步槍發射一個鐵罐，顯示你的候選人選擇 贏家得到一個邦聯薄餅。

It's a flag.

這是一面旗幟。

It's a flag.

這是一面旗幟。

On a more disturbing note, you laugh harder when I up than when I get it right.

更令人不安的是，我起來的時候你笑得比我做對的時候還難看。

That's not that is not instill confidence on a disturbing note.

這不是，不是灌輸信心的不安。

Yesterday we learned that the president has called the speaker of the Pennsylvania House of Representatives twice during the past week, and that's for help reversing his loss in the state.

昨天我們瞭解到，在過去的一週裡，總統已經兩次給賓夕法尼亞州眾議院議長打電話，那就是希望能幫助他扭轉在該州的失利。

Come on, man.

來吧，夥計。

At a certain point you have to understand that it is over.

到了一定的時候，你要明白，它已經結束了。

There's a reason you don't see has stones that say, I'd like a second opinion.

有一個原因，你沒有看到有石頭說，我想聽聽別人的意見。

It's horrifying.

太可怕了

But at this point, no one should be surprised because the call makes Pennsylvania the third state where the president has directly attempted to overturn the result.

但在這一點上，沒有人應該感到驚訝，因為這個電話使賓夕法尼亞州成為總統直接試圖推翻結果的第三個州。

Say what you will, but at least the president called It's so much more personal than destroying democracy by text You up.

隨你怎麼說，但至少總統給你發了個簡訊，這比破壞民主要私人得多。

Four Fascism.

四個法西斯主義。

We've got a great show for you tonight, my guest.

今晚我們為您準備了一場精彩的節目，我的嘉賓。

So the host of the slate political gabfest John Dickerson, Emily Bazelon and David plots.

所以，板塊政治閒談的主持人約翰-迪克森、艾米麗-巴澤隆和大衛策劃。