Thank you, thank you. Welcome to "The Tonight Show"!

謝謝你，謝謝你。歡迎來到 "今夜秀"！

[ Cheers and applause ]

[歡呼聲和掌聲]

Everyone's indoors watching the show tonight, cozy.

今晚大家都在室內看節目，很溫馨。

I love it. Welcome, everybody.

我喜歡這樣歡迎，大家好。

We're having a sleepover tonight.

我們今晚要過夜

We're having a sleepover. It's gonna be fun.

我們有一個過夜。會很有趣的

[ Cheers and applause ]

[歡呼聲和掌聲]

Let's get to the news and jokes.

讓我們來看看新聞和笑話。

Well, guys, as if things aren't crazy enough,

好了，夥計們，如果事情還不夠瘋狂的話。

right now, millions of people on the East Coast

此時此刻，東海岸的數百萬人

are bracing for some pretty intense weather.

正在為一些相當激烈的天氣做準備。

-A blockbuster nor'easter.

-一部大製作的《復活節》。

-A beast of a December snowstorm.

-12月的暴風雪中的野獸。

-Nightmarish, major, and epic.

-夢幻般的，重大的，史詩般的。

-Tens of millions bracing for a powerful winter storm

-數以千萬計的人在為強大的冬季風暴做準備。

that could bring up to two feet of snow.

這可能會帶來高達兩英尺的雪。

-Yep. When the experts said stay home and hunker down,

-是的當專家們說要呆在家裡躲起來的時候，

Americans were like, "We're already home

美國人就像，"我們已經回家了

and we're already hunkered."

而我們已經蟄伏起來了。"

Yeah, yeah. Instead of a snow day tomorrow,

是啊，是啊。而不是明天的雪天。

a lot of kids will have school remotely.

很多孩子會有學校遠程。

That's where your 6-year-old just said,

這就是你6歲的孩子剛才說的地方。

"2020 can go straight to H-E-double hockey sticks."

"2020年可以直接用H-E-雙曲棍球棒。"

Hey. [ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

I got to be honest. I'm not really looking forward

我得說實話我不是真的期待

to starting my day tomorrow by using an ice scraper

到明天開始我的一天，用一個冰刮子

on my face shield. [ Laughter ]

在我的臉盾。[笑聲]

Well, here in New York City, Mayor Bill de Blasio

好吧，在紐約市，市長比爾-德-布拉西奧。

said that while street dining must close for the storm,

表示，雖然街頭餐飲必須因風暴而關閉。

sidewalk dining can remain open.

人行道餐飲可以繼續開放。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

That sounds like fun during a blizzard,

這聽起來像是在暴風雪中的樂趣。

especially when your waiter has to curl your entree

特別是當你的服務員要把你的主菜捲起來的時候。

over to you with a broom.

拿著掃帚走到你身邊。

"Who ordered the steak? Here we go. Okay, go, go, go, go."

"誰點的牛排？我們來了。好了，走，走，走，走。"

Yeah, sidewalk dining will remain open

是啊，人行道的餐廳會繼續開放

because what's more fun than eating a plate

因為有什麼比吃盤子更有趣的事呢

of frozen pasta while a plow

冷凍麵條，而犁

blasts you with a foot of gray sludge?

用一腳灰泥轟擊你？

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Yep, thanks to the blizzard,

是的，多虧了暴風雪。

millions of people could end up losing power

百萬人斷電

or, as one man put it, [as Trump] join the club.

或如一個人所說，[如特朗普]加入俱樂部。

[ Laughter and applause ]

[笑聲和掌聲]

♪♪

♪♪

A lot of Republicans say the power's still on, actually.

很多共和黨人都說，其實權力還在。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

[ Normal voice ] Sir, no one can hear you.

[正常聲音] 先生，沒有人可以聽到你。

The televisions are off. There's no electricity.

電視機是關閉的。沒有電。

[ as Trump ] Yes, it is. There's electricity.

[作為特朗普] 是的，它是。有電。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

[ Normal voice ] By the way, you know we're entering

對了，你知道我們要進入的是

the post-Trump world when our monologues start with

後特朗普的世界，當我們的獨白開始於

"Hey, guys, some big news about the weather."

"嘿，夥計們，關於天氣的一些大新聞。"

[ Cheers and applause ]

[歡呼聲和掌聲]

Feels kind of good!

感覺還不錯!

Well, everyone's talking about this.

嗯，每個人都在談論這個。

Tom Cruise was caught on tape yelling at his crew,

湯姆-克魯斯被拍到對他的工作人員大喊大叫。

but he was basically just telling them

但他基本上只是告訴他們

to socially distance and be safe from COVID.

要與COVID保持社會距離和安全。

Here, listen to this.

來，聽聽這個。

Yeah, wow, if Tom Cruise worked in the White House,

是啊，哇，如果湯姆・克魯斯在白宮工作。

we could have had the vaccine back in April.

我們本可以在4月份就注射疫苗的。

[ Laughter and applause ]

[笑聲和掌聲]

For the last nine months, that's pretty much

在過去的9個月裡，這幾乎是。

how Dr. Fauci has felt on the inside.

福齊醫生內心的感受。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

What's amazing is when Tom delivered that rant,

令人驚奇的是，當湯姆發表那番狂言時。

he was hanging off a 163-story building.

他從一棟163層的大樓上吊下來。

Isn't that amazing? [ Laughter ]

是不是很神奇？[笑聲]

But actually, this isn't the first time a celebrity

但實際上，這已經不是第一次有名人了。

has been caught ranting about something

被抓到了

that has turned out to be pretty helpful advice.

這已經證明是相當有用的建議。

Check out some of these other examples.

看看其他一些例子。

Helpful, helpful, helpful advice.

有用的，有用的，有用的建議。

We're submitting that for the Emmys show.

我們要把這個提交給艾美獎的節目。

[ Cheers and applause ]

[歡呼聲和掌聲]

Well, guys, it's been a tough week for President Trump

好了，夥計們，這是一個艱難的一週 特朗普總統。

and it keeps getting worse. Now, his next-door neighbors

而且情況越來越糟。現在，他的隔壁鄰居

at Mar-a-Lago are saying they don't want him

在Mar-a-Lago的人都說他們不想要他了

to live there after he leaves the White House.

在他離開白宮後住在那裡。

Neighbors are like, "This is a classy area.

鄰居們都說："這是個有品位的地區。

We can't be associated with a one-term president."

我們不能和一個一任總統聯繫在一起。"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

New York doesn't want him. Mar-a-Lago doesn't want him.

紐約不想要他Mar -a -Lago不想要他。

Man, one minute you're waking up in the White House,

夥計，前一分鐘你還在白宮醒著呢。

next, you're waking up next to Lou Dobbs,

接下來，你會在盧・多布斯身邊醒來。

whispering, "I made us coffee."

低聲說："我給我們煮了咖啡。"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

I'm not surprised nobody wants Trump living next door.

我並不奇怪沒有人希望特朗普住在隔壁。

Most neighbors ask to borrow some sugar.

大多數鄰居都會問借一些糖。

Trump's like, "Can I borrow $400 million?"

特朗普說："我可以借4億美元嗎？"

It would be ironic, though, if Trump does move there

不過，如果特朗普真的搬去那裡，那就太諷刺了。

and then his neighbors build a giant wall next to him.

然後他的鄰居在他旁邊建了一堵巨牆。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Just saying.

只是說說而已。

We'll pay for it. [ Laughter ]

我們將支付它。[笑聲]

Changing gears here, I saw that IKEA is now selling tiny homes

在這裡換個角度，我看到宜家現在在賣小房子

starting around $47,000.

起價約47000元。

Yeah, it sounds interesting, but I'm not sure if I want

是啊，這聽起來很有趣，但我不知道如果我想。

to live in a house I assembled with an Allen wrench.

住在我用內六角扳手組裝的房子裡。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

You know that uneasy feeling

你知道那種不安的感覺

when you're done building a dresser

建完梳妝檯

and there's like three extra pieces?

有像三個額外的作品？

Now picture that with a house.

現在用房子來想象。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Listen to this. In a new study,

聽聽這個。在一項新的研究中。

45% of people working remotely admitted

45%的遠程工作的人承認

they drink during the work day,

他們在工作期間喝酒。

as opposed to the other 55%

而不是其他55%的人

who still do it but didn't admit it.

誰還在做，但不承認。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Meanwhile, there's also another survey

同時，還有另一項調查

that found that college kids are actually drinking

發現，大學生實際上是喝

less during the pandemic.

大流行期間，少。

Turns out it's not that fun to do a keg stand

原來做桶架並不是那麼好玩的事情

when the people holding your legs are your mom and dad.

當抱著你的腿的人 是你的媽媽和爸爸。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

And finally, a documentary filmmaker

最後，一個紀錄片導演

made a little mistake while he was flying over Brazil.

他在巴西上空飛行時犯了一個小錯誤。

Watch this.

看這個。

-A documentary filmmaker got a little careless

-一個紀錄片製作人有點粗心大意了

while snapping pictures from a small plane over Brazil.

在巴西上空的一架小飛機上拍照時。

His iPhone 6S slipped out of his hand

他的iPhone 6S從他手裡滑落了下來

and plunged 1,000 feet to the ground,

並墜落到1000英尺的地面。

and it recorded the entire 15-second fall.

並記錄了整個15秒的摔倒過程。

-Thanks to GPS, he found that phone the next day,

-多虧了GPS，他第二天就找到了那部手機。

still charged with only a crack in the protective screen.

仍然只帶著保護屏的裂痕充電。

-Get out of here! -What?

-快離開這裡！-什麼？

-That's crazy.

-太瘋狂了

I mean, who the hell still has an iPhone 6?

我的意思是，誰還在使用iPhone 6？

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

That's right. His iPhone only had one crack

沒錯，他的iPhone只有一條裂縫 That's right.他的iPhone只有一個裂縫

after falling 1,000 feet.

墜落1000英尺後。

Meanwhile, I dropped mine in the parking lot.

同時，我把我的東西丟在了停車場。

Looks like a monster truck drove over it.

看起來像一輛怪獸卡車從它身上開過。

What a show we have for you tonight.

今晚我們為你準備了什麼節目？

Joining us in studio, she stars in the new animated Pixar film,

和我們一起來到演播室，她是皮克斯新卡通片的主演。

"Soul" -- Tina Fey is here!

"靈魂"--Tina Fey來了!

[ Cheers and applause ] Tina Fey!

[歡呼聲和掌聲] 蒂娜-菲！

Plus, she directed, produced and co-wrote

此外，她還執導、製作和聯合編寫了

the upcoming film "Wonder Woman 1984."

即將上映的電影 "神奇女俠1984"。

Patty Jenkins is here!

帕蒂-詹金斯來了！

[ Cheers and applause ]

[歡呼聲和掌聲]

And we got great music, my friend upstate,

我們得到了偉大的音樂，我的朋友在北部。

my friend "Q-Ball," Shawn Quinlan upstate,

我的朋友 "Q球"，肖恩昆蘭上州。

was telling me all the music he was into.

告訴我所有他喜歡的音樂。

He's like, "Have you heard this kid, Marcus King?"

他說，"你聽說過這個孩子嗎，馬庫斯-金？"

Do you know Marcus King?

你認識馬庫斯-金嗎？

-I'm still tripping off of Q-Ball.

-我還在被Q球絆倒。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Is that his real name? -That's his real name.

那是他的真名嗎？-那是他的真名

-Does he know you call him Q-Ball?

-他知道你叫他Q球嗎？

[ Laughter ] -Yeah, I call him

是的，我叫他。

a bunch of, like, fun, friend nicknames.

一堆，喜歡，有趣的，朋友的暱稱。

-What's he call you?

-他叫你什麼？

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

-Jim. [ Laughter ]

-吉姆。吉姆： [笑]

It's not Jimmy.

這不是吉米。

-"Hey, Jimothy, what's up, man? It's Q-Ball."

"嘿，Jimothy，怎麼了，夥計？ - 是Q球。這是Q球。"

-No, Jimothy is -- Some people call me Jimothy.

-不，Jimothy是 -- 有人叫我Jimothy.

But no, he -- we're straight up -- Jim he calls me.

但不，他... 我們是直接... 吉姆，他叫我。

Yeah, which is kind of a fun nickname.

是啊，這是一種有趣的暱稱。

-Straight up Jim.

-直說吧，吉姆

-You know, Quinlan is his last name.

-你知道，昆蘭是他的姓。

-Oh, okay. -So he's Q-Ball.

-哦，好吧-所以他是Q球

-Yeah, Q-Ball.

-是的，Q球。

-Shawn. Shawn Quinlan.

-肖恩肖恩-昆蘭

Quinlan, Q-Ball.

昆蘭，Q球。

I call him Shawn. I call him Q.

我叫他肖恩。我叫他Q。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

-He doesn't know you call him Q-Ball.

-他不知道你叫他Q球。

-Yeah. -He answers the phone.

-是的 他接了個電話

He's like, "Hello?" You're like, "Hey, Q-Ball, what's up?

他說，"喂？"你會說，"嘿，Q球，怎麼了？

It's J-Jim." He's like, "What?"

這是J -吉姆。"他的樣子，"什麼？"

-I don't say it's J-J-Jim. I say it's Jim.

-我沒說是J -J -Jim.我說是Jim.

I know who it is if I'm calling.

我知道是誰，如果我打電話。

-Okay. Cool. -Yeah.

-好吧好的-是啊

You kind of hesitated a little bit when you said my name.

當你說出我的名字時，你有點猶豫了。

-Yeah. Yeah. -Yeah.

-是的，是的是的 是的

No, I know my name. -Alright, alright, Jim-Ball.

不，我知道我的名字-好吧，好吧，吉姆 -球。

-Jim-Ball is not a thing that no one --

-吉姆球不是一個東西，沒有人 -

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

-It'll catch on. -It won't catch on.

-會流行起來的.-不會的

I don't want it to catch on.

我不想讓它流行起來。

I want Jimmy. James is my name.

我想要吉米詹姆斯是我的名字。

I used to go by Jim all the time.

我以前一直用吉姆的名字。

Then I like Jimmy Fallon,

那我喜歡吉米-法倫

then my rap name was Colgate for a while.

然後我的說唱名是高露潔一段時間。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

-I think I can guess why.

-我想我能猜到原因

-The toothpaste.

-牙膏

-I mean, extra fresh, I don't know.

-我的意思是，特別新鮮，我不知道。

-Oh, man, I wish I thought of that.

-哦，夥計，我希望我想到了這一點。

[ Laughter ] -Wow.

[笑] 哇。

-Oh, damn! -Wow!

-哦，該死！-哇！

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

-Wait, are you going back in time?

-等等，你要回到過去嗎？

-Yeah. I never thought that. That's actually good.

-是啊，我從沒想過這其實是很好的。

My rhymes weren't that good. -Extra fresh.

我的韻律沒那麼好。-特別新鮮

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

-Anyway, I'm talking to Q-Ball.

-總之，我在跟Q球說話。

I go, "What's up? What are you listening to?"

我說："怎麼了？你在聽什麼？"

He goes, "Check out Marcus King."

他說："看看馬庫斯-金。"

This dude shreds. He's got a great voice.

這傢伙撕碎。他有一個偉大的聲音。

I love it. Get ready. You're going to love this guy.

我喜歡這樣準備好了你會愛上這傢伙的

Marcus King is on the show tonight.

馬庫斯-金今晚在節目中。

[ Cheers and applause ]

[歡呼聲和掌聲]

So, I watched "Soul" over the weekend, the Pixar movie,

所以，週末我看了《靈魂》，皮克斯的電影。

Tina Fey, Jamie Foxx -- they're both fantastic in it.

蒂娜-菲，傑米-福克斯--他們在裡面都很精彩。

The movie's great, man. Oh, man.

這部電影的偉大，男人。哦，夥計。

Guess whose first voice or second voice you hear

猜猜看你聽到的是誰的第一聲還是第二聲

in the whole thing. -My boy Q-Ball.

在整個事情。-我的孩子Q -Ball.

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

-Q-Ball! Questlove! Yeah! Q-Ball! That's right, Questlove!

-Q球！追求愛！Q -Ball!Q -Ball!沒錯，Questlove!

-Q-Ball! Q-Ball!

-Q球！Q球！

-[ Laughing ] You call him Q-Ball?

-你叫他Q球？

-Yeah, man. [ Laughter ]

-是啊，男人。是啊，夥計。 [笑]

-Questlove is in "Soul."

-奎斯特愛在 "靈魂 "中。

Here he is as Curly. Look at this.

他在這裡是捲毛。看看這個

-And I'm bald-headed.

-而我是個禿頭。

-You're like a cue ball. -Yeah.

-你就像個球杆一樣.-是啊

-Yeah, you're bald as a cue ball.

-是的，你是個禿頭，像個球杆一樣。

Curly -- Quest, you are fantastic in this.

捲毛 - 探索，你是夢幻般的。

-Thank you. -I heard your voice.

-謝謝你.-我聽到你的聲音了.

I knew we talked about this months ago,

我知道我們幾個月前就討論過這個問題

and you said you're in this, but you're really good in this.

你說你在這裡面，但你在這裡面真的很厲害。

-Thank you. When they called me to --

-謝謝你當他們叫我...

When they pitched it to me,

當他們投給我的時候。

I thought they just wanted recommendations for music

我以為他們只是想推薦音樂

because it was like an 11-minute pitch.

因為它就像一個11分鐘的球場。

I'm like, "Who gives an 11-minute pitch for music?"

我想，"誰會給一個11分鐘的音樂推介？"

-Yeah, I'll figure it out.

-是的，我會想辦法的。

-I was like, well, yeah, I can recommend some people.

-我當時想，嗯，是的，我可以推薦一些人。

And they're like, "No, you're in it."

他們說，"不，你在裡面。"

-Wow! -I just fell out, like...

-哇！-我只是掉了出來，就像... ...

-It's wild. I mean, the movie is a trip, man.

-太瘋狂了我的意思是，這部電影是一個旅行，男人。

It's really amazing.

真的很神奇。

You forget you're watching -- I mean,

你忘了你在看... 我是說..,

the animation is just amazing.

動畫是驚人的。

But it's great. It's moving.

但它是偉大的。它的移動。

But, dude, you're perfect. -It's really for adults, though.

但是，夥計，你是完美的。-這真的是給成年人的，雖然。

It's for adults.

這是給成年人的。

-I watched it with my girls. They dug it. They liked it.

-我和我女兒一起看的我和我女兒一起看的他們喜歡它。

-But you felt that a little bit more, didn't you?

-但你感覺到了更多的東西，不是嗎？

-Phew, man, I was weeping. I felt it.

-唷，夥計，我在哭。我感覺到了

-Exactly. [ Laughs ] -"Don't even look at me."

-正是如此。[笑] "別看我。"

I had my kids sitting on my lap so they couldn't see me.

我讓我的孩子坐在我的腿上，所以他們看不到我。

-Right. -Gosh, dude.

-好吧-天哪，老兄

Wait till you see what you do with your life, you know?