[ Cheers and applause ] Come on.

[歡呼聲和掌聲] 來吧。

Look how festive it looks.

你看，多喜慶的樣子。

Guys, let's get to the news and jokes.

夥計們，讓我們來看看新聞和笑話吧。

Well, guys, this is exciting and historic day,

好了，夥計們，這是令人興奮的歷史性的一天。

because the United Kingdom started giving out

因為聯合王國開始發放

the first doses of Pfizer's COVID vaccine.

輝瑞公司的COVID疫苗的第一劑。

Watch this.

看這個。

-At 6:31 this morning, Margaret Keenan,

今天早上6點31分，瑪格麗特-基南。

who turns 91 next week,

他下週就91歲了

became the first person ever given a tested

成為有史以來第一個獲得測試的人

and vetted COVID vaccine outside of trials.

並對COVID疫苗進行試驗外的審核。

-That's right, 90-year-old Margaret Keenan

-沒錯，九十歲的瑪格麗特-基南。

is the first patient in the world

是世界上第一個病人

to receive the Pfizer vaccine.

接受輝瑞疫苗。

[ Cheers and applause ]

[歡呼聲和掌聲]

Or as the Queen put it, "Sure, sure, she was."

或者像女王說的那樣，"當然，當然，她是。"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

"Yes, we definitely gave it to Margaret Keenan first."

"是的，我們肯定先給了瑪格麗特-基南。"

The U.K. vaccine underwent rigorous testing.

英國的疫苗經過了嚴格的測試。

Apparently Gordon Ramsay would try every version

顯然，戈登-拉姆塞會嘗試每一個版本

and then berate the scientist.

然後痛罵科學家。

"You donkey, it's not a vaccine! It's raw!"

"你這驢，這不是疫苗!是生的!"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

"It's meant to be kept in the freezer, donkey!"

"這是要放在冰箱裡的，驢子！"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Yeah, the vaccine is starting in the U.K.

是的，疫苗開始在英國。

and then coming here.

然後來到這裡。

But your one annoying friend will be like,

但你的一個煩人的朋友會像。

"I actually liked the original British version better."

"其實我更喜歡英國的原版。"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

"Just nuanced and way more subtle."

"只是細微，方式更微妙。"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

That's right, it's a big day over in the U.K.

沒錯，今天是英國的大日子。

People are calling it "V-Day" for Vaccination Day.

人們把它稱為 "V日"，即疫苗接種日。

Yeah, V-Day, not to be confused with tonight's

是啊，V日，不要和今晚的...

"Bachelorette" episode "VD Day."

"單身女郎 "劇情 "VD日"。

That's a different -- [ Laughter ]

這是一個不同的 - [笑]

Different thing.

不同的事情。

Meanwhile, this is going viral. It turns out --

同時，這也是病毒式的傳播。事實證明...

this is real -- the second person to get the vaccine

這是真實的 - 第二個人得到的疫苗。

was an 81-year-old man named William Shakespeare.

是一位81歲的老人，名叫威廉-莎士比亞。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Yeah, William Shakespeare got a vaccine on V-Day.

是啊，威廉-莎士比亞在V日打了疫苗。

Which explains why he said,

這就解釋了為什麼他說：

"To V or not to V, that is the injection."

"要V還是不要V，這就是注。"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

"'Tis nobler to take Moderna."

"拿下摩德納更高貴"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

I'm glad Shakespeare got the vaccine because in 81 years

我很高興莎士比亞打了疫苗，因為在81年以後

he hasn't been able to get a dinner reservation.

他還沒有能夠得到一個晚餐預訂。

"Yes, the name's William Shakespeare.

"是的，我叫威廉-莎士比亞。

Hello?" [ Laughter ]

喂？"[笑聲]

"They hung up." -[ Laughs ]

"他們掛了。"-[笑]

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

-That one got you, man? -Yeah.

-那一個讓你心動了，夥計？-是的

-That's funny. [ Laughter ]

-這很有趣。[笑聲]

Imagine living in the U.K. and being named

想象一下，生活在英國，被命名為

after their greatest writer, William Shakespeare.

以他們最偉大的作家威廉-莎士比亞的名字命名。

That's like living in the U.S. and being named after

這就像生活在美國，卻被命名為

whoever writes the Geico commercials.

不管是誰寫的Geico廣告，

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

They're geniuses.

他們是天才。

I don't know what's in the vaccine,

我不知道疫苗裡有什麼。

but it must be pretty amazing, 'cause after Shakespeare got it,

但它必須是相當驚人的， 因為在莎士比亞得到它，

he challenged Logan Paul to a boxing match.

他向羅根-保羅提出了拳擊比賽的挑戰。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Well, as the U.K. starts vaccinating,

那麼，隨著英國開始接種疫苗。

some news just broke out about our own supply.

一些新聞剛剛爆發了關於我們自己的供應。

It turns out this summer the Trump administration turned down

原來今年夏天，特朗普政府拒絕了

Pfizer when they asked if we wanted to buy more doses.

輝瑞公司問我們要不要買更多的劑量。

Trump knows he messed up.

特朗普知道自己搞砸了。

When asked about it, he was like,

當被問及此事時，他就像。

"I'm only answering questions about Mario Lopez

"我只回答關於馬里奧-洛佩茲的問題

playing Colonel Sanders."

扮演桑德斯上校。"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Speaking of the White House,

說到白宮。

I read that Trump wants to hand out mass pardons

我讀到特朗普要大肆赦免的消息。

to "every person who ever talked to him,

到 "每一個和他談過話的人。

even people who don't need pardons."

甚至是不需要赦免的人。"

Yep, Trump's handing out mass pardons.

是的，特朗普在進行大規模赦免。

The only other time you hear that phrase

你唯一聽到這句話的時候

is after Rudy Giuliani eats Taco Bell.

是在魯迪-朱利安尼吃了塔可鍾之後。

"Pardon -- Pardon me." [ Laughter ]

"對不起 - 對不起。"[笑聲]

"Oop, pardon.

"哎呀，對不起。

Pardon me, sorry.

對不起，對不起。

Oh, that's a half pardon, sorry."

哦，那是半原諒，對不起。"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Oh, and of course, President Trump

哦，當然，特朗普總統

is still refusing to accept the results of the election,

仍然拒絕接受選舉結果。

but he's not the only one.

但他不是唯一的一個。

A new "Washington Post" survey says

"華盛頓郵報 "的一項新調查稱

89% of all Republicans serving in Congress

在國會任職的所有共和黨人的89%

won't accept Biden's victory.

不會接受拜登的勝利。

Here's what a few Republicans said

以下是幾位共和黨人說的話

when asked about the election.

當被問及選舉。

First up, Congressman Greg Pence said,

首先，國會議員格雷格-彭斯說。

"If Biden wins, I'll quit, and focus on my Etsy product,

"如果拜登贏了，我就不幹了，專心做我的Etsy產品。

Lipstick for Men."

脣膏的男人。"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Up next, Senator Tom Cotton said,

接下來，參議員湯姆-科頓說。

"Trump will be president by the time that gumball

"特朗普將成為總統的時候，口香糖

I swallowed last year finally works its way down my throat."

我去年吞下的東西，終於在喉嚨裡發揮作用了。"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Next up, Congressman Dusty Johnson

下一位是Dusty Johnson議員

was like, "Don't bother me.

是這樣的，"不要打擾我。

I'm busy losing a chess match

我正忙著輸棋呢

to that girl from 'Queen's Gambit.'"

到《女王的賭博》中的那個女孩。"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Up next, Congressman Fred Upton said,

接下來，國會議員弗雷德-厄普頓說。

"I trust the results, but not the congressmen

"我相信結果，但不相信國會議員

who told me 'everyone' was doing this pose."

誰告訴我'大家'都在做這個姿勢。"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Then, Senator Mike Braun was like,

然後，參議員Mike Braun就像。

"This election was rigged or I wasn't once an extra

"這次選舉是被操縱的，否則我不是曾經多了一個

in a 'Sopranos' restaurant scene."

在'黑道家族'的餐廳場景中。"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

And finally, Senator John Boozman said,

最後，參議員約翰-布茲曼說。

"If you have proof the election was rigged, I'm all ears."

"如果你有證據證明選舉被操縱，我洗耳恭聽。"

[ Groaning, laughter, applause ]

[呻吟，笑聲，掌聲]

Very interesting stuff.

非常有趣的東西。

Here's a big tech story.

這裡有一個科技大事件。

Today, Apple unveiled a pair of noise-canceling headphones

今天，蘋果推出了一副降噪耳機。

called the AirPods Max.

稱為AirPods Max。

And get this -- they cost $549.

還有這個... 它們的價格是549美元

Check them out. Yep.

檢查出來。是的。

Noise-canceling headphones for $549.

降噪耳機549元。

When they heard, people quarantining with kids

聽說有人帶著孩子去隔離了

were like, "I'll give you $800."

是這樣，"我給你800美元。"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Here are the headphones in their case.

下面是耳機的包裝盒。

Yeah, great. It looks like a stormtrooper's purse.

是啊，太好了。它看起來像一個風暴兵的錢包。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Hey, listen to this.

嘿，聽這個。

I saw that Pizza Hut is

我看到必勝客是

selling something new for the holidays.

賣東西新的節日。

Check this out.

看看這個。

It's the new triple-decker box from Pizza Hut.

這是必勝客新推出的三層盒子。

Look at this thing.

看看這個東西。

In America, that's actually our food pyramid.

在美國，這其實是我們的食物金字塔。

[ Laughter ] That's right.

[笑]這是正確的。

In the U.K., they have a COVID vaccine.

在英國，他們有一種COVID疫苗。

In America, we came up with the triple-decker pizza box.

在美國，我們想出了三層披薩盒。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

It's a great idea.

這是個好主意。

My biggest complaint about ordering pizza

我對訂披薩最大的抱怨是

was always not having enough cardboard

總是沒有足夠的紙板

to awkwardly fold and smoosh down in my garbage can.

笨拙地摺疊起來，塞進我的垃圾桶裡。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

I'm turning into Andy Rooney now.

我現在變成了安迪-魯尼。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

"That's the part I need more of when I get a pizza.

"這是我吃披薩時需要多吃的部分。

Having to fold the cardboard and put it in my garbage can."

不得不把紙板摺好，放進我的垃圾桶裡。"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

I can almost picture idiot guys across the country going,

我幾乎可以想象出全國各地的白痴傢伙都會。

"Honey, you could use this as a jewelry box."

"親愛的，你可以把這個當作首飾盒。"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

"Just saying."

"只是說說而已。"

I saw that after 70 years,

70年後我看到。

IKEA is ending its popular catalog.

宜家將結束其流行目錄。

[ Crowd awws ]

[人群aws]

I know. At its peak,

我知道在它的高峰期。

IKEA printed up to 200 million copies in one year,

宜家一年的印刷量高達2億份。

making it one of the most popular books in the world.

使其成為世界上最受歡迎的書籍之一。

So we put together this little tribute

所以，我們把這個小貢品

to our favorite products in the catalog over the years.

到我們多年來最喜歡的產品目錄中的產品。

Enjoy.

好好享受吧

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[ Dial-up modem ringing ]

[撥號調制解調器鈴聲]

♪♪

♪♪

[ Applause ]

[掌聲]

Here's a wild story.

這是一個瘋狂的故事。

Two cousins here in New York City ages 7 and 12,

兩個表弟在紐約市，分別是7歲和12歲。

took one of their parents' Range Rovers for a joy ride

開著父母的路虎攬勝去兜風。

and ended up at a rest stop near Delaware.

最後在特拉華附近的一個休息站結束。

The 12-year-old was like, "Don't blame me.

12歲的孩子就說："別怪我。

He was the one driving."

他才是開車的人。"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

It got worse when the kids passed the officer

當孩子們通過軍官的考驗時，情況就更糟糕了

a Chuck E. Cheese token and said,

一塊查克奶酪的牌子，說。

"What do you say we make this thing go away?"

"你說我們讓這東西消失怎麼樣？"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

And finally, I heard about a man in Italy

最後，我聽說了意大利的一個男人。

who walked 280 miles after a fight with his wife,

他和妻子吵架後走了280英里。

then got fined for violating lockdown rules.

然後因為違反禁閉規定被罰款。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

I'm no marriage counselor,

我不是婚姻顧問

but it's probably not a great sign

但可能不是什麼好兆頭

when someone storms out and walks to Switzerland.

當有人暴走，走到瑞士。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

That's last time he gets his wife

這是他最後一次得到他的妻子

a triple-decker pizza box for their anniversary.

為他們的週年紀念日準備了一個三層的披薩盒。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Guys, we have exactly nine shows left

夥計們，我們還有九場演出

before we go on Christmas break, which means it's time

在我們去聖誕假期之前，這意味著它的時間。

for that beloved "Tonight Show" tradition.

為那深受喜愛的 "今夜秀 "傳統。

It's time for "12 Days of Christmas Sweaters."

現在是 "12天聖誕毛衣 "的時間。

♪ -12 days of Christmas sweaters, 9 days left ♪

12天的聖誕毛衣，9天左

-That's right.

-沒錯

Every show between now and Christmas,

從現在到聖誕節的每一場演出。

we'll be giving one lucky audience member

我們將給一位幸運的觀眾

a stunning Christmas sweater

驚豔的聖誕毛衣

from the "Countdown to Christmas Cabinet."

從 "聖誕內閣倒計時"。

So, since there are nine shows left,

所以，既然還有九場演出。

let's open door number nine.

讓我們打開九號門。

[ Drumroll ] It's right there.

[鼓聲] 就在那裡。

Very exciting. Yes.

很刺激是啊

Whenever you're ready. Yes.

只要你準備好了好了

Yes! Someone said -- Whoa!

是的! 有人說...有人說...

That's a lot of -- [ Cheers and applause ]

這是一個很大的 - [歡呼聲和掌聲]

That's a lot of stuff.

這是一個很大的東西。

Oh, good -- good gosh almighty.

哦，好... ... 好天哪，萬能的。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

That's a lot of sweater that was in there.

那裡面的毛衣可真不少。

Oh, my goodness gracious.

哦，我的天哪！

Is there something on the back?

後面有什麼東西嗎？

Oh, my gosh!

哦，我的天哪！

Well, there's a little man hidden on there.

嗯，有一個小男人藏在那裡。

There's a little man.

有一個小男人。

A stowaway on the back of that.

後面的一個偷渡客。

Alright, who is excited to take home this sweater?

好了，誰想把這件毛衣帶回家？

[ Cheers and applause ] There we go.

[歡呼聲和掌聲] 我們走了。

Alright, if I call your number, come on down.

好吧，如果我打你的電話，下來吧。

Quest, can I get a drumroll, please?

任務，我可以得到一個鼓聲，好嗎？

[ Drumroll ]

[鼓聲]

1-2-3!

一，二，三！

♪♪

♪♪

Ah, here he comes.

啊，他來了。

Welcome. Oh, my goodness.

歡迎你的到來哦，我的天啊

Thank you so much for being here.

非常感謝你能來這裡。

What is your name and where are you from?

你叫什麼名字，來自哪裡？

-My name is Tom Russell from New Rochelle, New York.

我叫湯姆-拉塞爾，來自紐約的新羅謝爾。

-Hey, New Rochelle. [ Cheers and applause ]

-嘿，新羅謝爾。[歡呼聲和掌聲]

I know New Rochelle very well.

我對新羅謝爾非常瞭解。

-There's a lot going on here.

-這裡有很多事情發生。

-Well, you know, they say during the holiday season,

-嗯，你知道，他們說在假日期間。

"make lemonade," you know what I'm saying?

"做檸檬水"，你知道我在說什麼嗎？

-Mm-hmm. [ Laughter ]

-嗯，嗯。[笑聲]

-Would you do us the honor of trying it on?

-你能讓我們有幸試穿嗎？

-Yeah, which one's the front? [ Laughs ]

-是啊，哪一個是前面？[笑]

-That's up to you, buddy.

-這取決於你，夥計。

It's -- -Alright.

這是 - 好吧。

-It's really that much fun.

-真的有那麼多樂趣。

You don't know what the front or the back is, really.

你不知道前面和後面是什麼，真的。

You know that it has sleeves.

你知道它有袖子。

That's -- The only thing we can guarantee with our sweaters,

這是... ...我們唯一能保證的事情，我們的毛衣。

that there are sometimes sleeves.

以至於有時有袖子。

[ Laughter ] That's a -- oh, I feel like --

[笑] 這是一個 - 哦，我覺得像 -

oh, I feel like this is the right way to go.

哦，我覺得這是正確的方式去。

[ Laughs ] Oh, my God!

[笑] 哦，我的上帝！

Wow! Oh, my God. [ Cheers and applause ]

哇！哦，我的上帝。 - [歡呼聲和掌聲][歡呼聲和掌聲]

Wow, I don't even know what to think.

哇，我都不知道該怎麼想。

I'm looking at it and I still don't know what's happening.

我看著看著，還是不知道怎麼回事。

-I can't see my shoes. -It's unbelievable.

-我看不到我的鞋子.-太不可思議了.

This is unbelievable. It is a holiday miracle.

這是不可思議的。這是一個節日的奇蹟。

Give it up for our winner right here.

在這裡為我們的贏家歡呼吧。

A round of applause. [ Applause ]

一輪掌聲。[掌聲]

Stick around.

呆在這裡。

We'll be right back with more "Tonight Show," everybody.

我們馬上回來，更多的 "今夜秀"，大家。

Come on back.

回來吧

♪♪

♪♪