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  • Many tensions within relationships can usefully be looked at through the prism of a concept

    許多人際關係中的緊張關係可以通過一個概念的稜鏡來審視。

  • much used within psychotherapy: the idea of 'rupture' and 'repair.' For psychotherapists,

    在心理治療中被大量使用:"破裂 "和 "修復 "的概念。對於心理治療師來說。

  • every relationship is at risk of moments of frustration or as the term has it, of 'rupture',

    每段關係都有可能出現挫折的時刻,或者說是 "破裂 "的時刻。

  • when we suffer a loss of trust in another person as someone in whom we can safely deposit

    當我們失去對另一個人的信任,認為他是我們可以放心託付的人。

  • our love, and whom we believe can be kind and understanding of our needs.

    我們的愛,我們相信他能善解人意,理解我們的需求。

  • The ruptures are often quite small, and to outside observers perhaps imperceptible: one

    裂縫往往很小,外界觀察者或許無法察覺:一是,在一個人的身體裡,有一個人的身體裡,有一個人的身體裡,有一個人的身體裡。

  • person fails to respond warmly to another's greeting; someone tries to explain an idea

    打招呼不打招呼,講道理不講道理。

  • to their partner who shrugs and says off-handedly that they have no idea what they're on about;

    對他們的伴侶聳聳肩,不經意地說他們不知道自己在說什麼。

  • in front of friends, a lover shares an anecdote which casts the partner in a less than flattering

    當著朋友的面,夫妻分享了一件讓對方不太滿意的趣事。

  • light. Or the rupture can be more serious: someone calls someone a stupid fool and breaks

    光。或者破裂的情況可能更嚴重:有人罵某人是傻子,並打破了

  • a door. A birthday is forgotten. An affair begins.

    一扇門。一個生日被遺忘。一段戀情開始了。

  • The point about ruptures is that they say nothingin themselvesabout a relationship's

    關於破裂的重點是,它們本身並不能說明什麼,關於一段關係的。

  • prospects of survival. There might be constant rather grave ruptures and no break up. Or

    生存的前景。可能會不斷出現相當嚴重的斷裂,也不會分手。或者

  • there might be one or two tense moments over a minor disagreementand things head towards

    可能會因為一兩個小小的分歧而出現緊張的時刻--事情就會走向

  • collapse. What determines the difference is something

    崩潰。決定差異的是一些

  • that psychotherapists are especially keen to teach us about: the capacity for what they

    心理治療師特別熱衷於教我們的是:他們的能力。

  • term 'repair'. Repair refers to the work needed for two people to regain each others'

    術語'修復'。修補指的是兩個人重新獲得對方所需的工作。

  • trust, and restore themselves in the others' mind as someone who is essentially decent

    信任,恢復自己在別人心目中本質上是正直的人。

  • and sympathetic and can be a 'good enough' interpreter of their needs. As psychotherapy

    和同情,可以成為他們需求的 "足夠好 "的詮釋者。作為心理治療

  • points out, repair isn't just one capacity among others, it is arguably the central determinant

    指出,修復不僅僅是其中的一種能力,它可以說是決定性的核心因素。

  • of one's mastery of emotional maturity; it is what identifies us as true adults.

    一個人掌握情感成熟度的標誌,它是我們成為真正成年人的標誌。

  • Good repair relies on at least four separate skills:

    好的維修至少要靠四個獨立的技能。

  • 1. The Ability to Apologise A sorry may not be as easy as it sounds, for it isn't just

    1.道歉的能力 一句對不起可能並不像聽起來那麼簡單,因為它不僅僅是

  • a few warm words one has to say, the true cost is to one's self-love. If one is already

    自己要說的幾句暖心話,真正的代價是自己的自愛。如果一個人已經

  • on the verge of finding oneself somewhat intolerable, then the call to concede yet another point

    忍無可忍的時候,又叫人讓步

  • to own up to being still more foolish, emotionally unbalanced, controlling, hot-tempered

    - 自認自己還是比較愚蠢,情緒不平衡,控制慾強,脾氣暴躁。

  • or vaincan feel like a demand too far. We may opt to dig in and avoid a sorry not

    或虛無縹緲--可能會覺得自己的要求太過分。我們可能會選擇挖空心思,避免一個遺憾的不

  • because we are overly pleased with ourselves but precisely because our unworthiness feels

    因為我們過於得意,但恰恰是因為我們的不值得感覺。

  • so painfully obvious to us alreadyand lends us no faith to imagine that any apologies

    對我們來說已經是如此痛苦的明顯--而且讓我們沒有信心去想象任何道歉

  • we did make could arouse the kind of forebearance and kindness we craveand yet so badly

    我們所做的能引起我們所渴望的那種寬容和仁慈--但又是如此的渴望。

  • feel we don't deserve. 2. The Ability to Forgive There can be equal

    覺得我們不配。2.寬恕的能力 可以有同等的能力。

  • difficulty around being able to accept an apology. To do so requires us to extend imaginative

    圍繞能夠接受道歉的困難。要做到這一點,就需要我們拓展想象力。

  • sympathy for why good people (which includes us) can end up doing some pretty bad things

    惻隱之心

  • not because they are 'evil' but because they are in their varied ways tired or sad,

    - 不是因為他們是'邪惡'的,而是因為他們以不同的方式疲憊或悲傷。

  • worried or weak. A forgiving outlook lends us energy to look around for the most generous

    擔心或軟弱。寬容的心態讓我們有精力去尋找周圍最寬厚的

  • reasons why fundamentally decent people can at points behave less than optimally. When

    為什麼基本正派的人在某些時候會表現得不盡如人意。當

  • this kind of forgiveness feels impossible, therapists speak of a manoeuvre of the mind

    這種寬恕感覺是不可能的,治療師說的是一種心靈的演習。

  • known as 'splitting', a tendency to declare some people to be entirely good and others,

    稱為'分裂',是一種傾向,宣佈一些人完全是好的,而另一些人。

  • just as simply, entirely awful. In dividing humanity like this, we protect ourselves from

    就像簡單的,完全可怕的。在這樣分裂人類的過程中,我們保護了自己,使自己免於

  • what can feel like the impossible dangers of disappointment or grown-up ambivalence.

    可能感覺像是失望或長大後的矛盾心理所帶來的不可能的危險。

  • Either someone is pure and perfect and we can love them without reserve orquite

    要麼一個人是純潔的,完美的,我們可以毫無保留地愛他,要麼--很明顯

  • suddenlythey must be appalling and we can never ever forgive them. We cling to rupture

    突然--他們一定是駭人聽聞的,我們永遠無法原諒他們。我們執著於破裂

  • because it confirms a story which, though deeply sad at one level, also feels very safe:

    因為它證實了一個故事,雖然在某一層面上非常悲傷,但也讓人感覺非常安全。

  • that big emotional commitments are invariably too risky, that others can't be trusted,

    大的情感承諾總是風險太大,別人不能信任。

  • that hope is an illusionand that we are basically all alone.

    希望是一種幻覺,我們基本上是孤獨的。

  • 3. The Ability to Teach Behind a rupture, there often lies a failed attempt by one person

    3.教書育人的能力 在一次破裂的背後,往往隱藏著一個人失敗的嘗試。

  • to teach something to another. There was something that they were trying to get across when they

    教給別人一些東西。他們想表達的是什麼?

  • lost their temper or got into a sulk: something about how to behave around a parent or what

    發脾氣或生悶氣:一些關於如何在父母身邊表現的事情,或什麼。

  • to do about sex, how to approach childcare or how to handle money. And yet the effort

    如何處理性問題,如何處理育兒問題,如何處理金錢問題。然而,努力

  • went wrong and they forgot all about the art of good teaching, an art which relies, to

    出了問題,他們完全忘記了良好的教學藝術,這門藝術依賴於,以

  • a surprising extent, on a degree pessimism about the ability of another person to understand

    竟然在一定程度上對他人的理解能力持悲觀態度。

  • what we want from them. Good teachers aren't after miraculous outcomes. They know how resistant

    我們想從他們身上得到什麼。優秀的教師並不是追求奇蹟般的結果。他們知道

  • the human mind can be to new ideas. They swallow a very large dose of pessimism about successful

    人類的思想可以對新的想法。他們吞下了大量的關於成功的悲觀主義。

  • interpersonal communication in order to stay calm and in a good mood around the inevitable

    人際溝通,才能在不可避免的周圍保持冷靜和良好的心情。

  • frustrations of relationships. They don't shout because they didn't from the outset

    關係的挫折。他們不喊,是因為他們從一開始就沒有喊過

  • allow themselves to believe in total symmetries of mind. When they're trying to get something

    讓自己相信心靈的完全對稱。當他們想得到一些

  • across, they don't push a point too hard. They give their listener time and know about

    溝通,他們不會把一個點推得太狠。他們給聽眾時間,並瞭解

  • defensivenessand as a fallback, accept that they may have to respect two different

    防衛性--作為備份措施,接受他們可能必須尊重兩種不同的情況。

  • realities. They can in the end bear to accept that they will always be a bit misunderstood

    的現實。他們最終可以忍受接受自己總會被人誤解的事實。

  • even by someone who loves them very much. 4. The Ability to Learn It can feel so much

    甚至被一個很愛他們的人。4.學習的能力 可以感覺到很多。

  • easier to get offended with someone than to dare to imagine they might have something

    敢怒不敢言

  • important to tell us. We may prefer to get hung up about how they informed us of an idea

    重要的事情告訴我們。我們可能更願意糾結於他們是如何告訴我們一個想法的。

  • rather than address the substance of what they are trying to convey. It isn't easy

    而不是解決他們所要表達的實質問題。這並不容易

  • to have to imagine that we are still beginners in a range of areas. The good repairer is

    以不得不想象,我們在一系列領域還是初學者。好的修理工是

  • ultimately a good learner: they have a lively and non-humiliating sense of how much they

    歸根結底是一個好學的人:他們有一個生動而不失幽默的意識,他們有多

  • still have left to take on board. It isn't a surprise or a cause for alarm that someone

    仍有餘力去接受。這並不奇怪,也不值得驚慌,因為有人...

  • might level a criticism at them. It's merely a sign that a kindly soul is invested enough

    可能會對他們提出批評。這只是一個標誌,一個善良的靈魂已經投入了足夠多的精力。

  • in their development to notice areas of immaturityand, in the safety of a relationship,

    在他們的發展中注意到不成熟的地方--而且,在關係的安全中。

  • to offer them something almost no one otherwise ever bothers with: feedback.

    為他們提供幾乎沒有人關心的東西:反饋。

  • In the Japanese tradition of kintsugi, broken pots and vases are artfully mended using a

    在日本傳統的 "Kintsugi "中,破損的壺和花瓶是用一種藝術的方法來修補的。

  • gold inflected lacker and displayed as precious works of art, as a way to emphasise the dignity

    灌金乏術,作為珍貴的藝術品來展示,以此來彰顯尊嚴

  • and basic human importance of the art of repair.

    和基本的人類重要的維修藝術。

  • We should do something of the same with our love stories. It is a fine thing to have a

    我們應該對自己的愛情故事做一些同樣的事情。有一個

  • relationship without moments of rupture no doubt, but it is a finer and more noble achievement

    毋庸置疑,這種關係沒有破裂的時刻,但它是一個更精細和更高尚的成就。

  • still to know how to patch things up repeatedly with those precious strands of emotional gold:

    還是要懂得用那些珍貴的感情金線反覆修補。

  • self-acceptance, patience, humility, courage and a lot of tenderness.

    自我接受、耐心、謙遜、勇氣和很多的溫柔。

Many tensions within relationships can usefully be looked at through the prism of a concept

許多人際關係中的緊張關係可以通過一個概念的稜鏡來審視。

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B1 中級 中文 能力 關係 修補 治療師 藝術 心理治療

成功關係的祕密。 斷裂與修復 (The Secret of Successful Relationships: Rupture and Repair)

  • 109 7
    林宜悉 發佈於 2020 年 12 月 10 日
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