[ Cheers and applause ]

[歡呼聲和掌聲]

Here we are.

我們到了

Let's get to the news and jokes, everybody.

讓我們進入新聞和笑話，大家。

Well guys, I saw that former presidents

嗯，夥計們，我看到前總統

Barack Obama, George W. Bush, and Bill Clinton

奧巴馬、喬治-布什和比爾-克林頓

want to encourage Americans to get the COVID vaccine

希望鼓勵美國人接種COVID疫苗。

by getting theirs on camera.

通過讓他們的鏡頭。

President Trump wanted to be included, but Obama said,

特朗普總統希望被納入，但奧巴馬說。

"Uh, sorry, pal, but it's two-termers only."

"呃，對不起，夥計，但它是兩屆的只有。"

[ Laughter ] -Ooh!

[笑聲] -哦！

Ooh! Ooh!

哦！

[ Applause ]

[掌聲]

-Meanwhile, 96-year-Old Jimmy Carter is like,

-與此同時，96歲的吉米-卡特就像，

"Uh, hello? Anybody want to give me a vaccine?

"呃，喂？有人要給我打疫苗嗎？

[ Laughter ] You guys go ahead.

[笑]你們去吧。

I'll wait in line at CVS."

我在CVS排隊等候。"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

It would be great if they got the vaccine together.

如果他們一起打疫苗就好了。

After Bush and Clinton, Obama's going to roll up his sleeve

繼布什、克林頓之後，奧巴馬要擼起袖子加油幹了。

like, "Welcome to the gun show.

像，"歡迎來到槍展。

Ah, right, boys?"

啊，對了，孩子們？"

I love this idea. It's just like when Hoover,

我喜歡這個主意。就像當初胡佛。

F.D.R., and Truman all got prostate exams over the radio.

F.D.R.和杜魯門都通過廣播做了前列腺檢查。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Here's some news about the fight against COVID.

這裡有一些關於對抗COVID的消息。

Dr. Fauci said that he's not leaving his job,

Fauci博士說，他不會離開工作崗位。

and today he had his first official meeting

而今天他第一次正式會面

with Biden's team over Zoom.

與拜登的團隊在Zoom。

Fauci said it was nice to kick off a meeting

福齊說，很高興能開一個會議。

without the president booing him.

沒有總統噓他。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Meanwhile, the president still won't concede the election.

同時，總統仍然不承認選舉。

And yesterday in Michigan -- did you see this?

昨天在密歇根州... 你看到這個了嗎？

Rudy Giuliani called a star witness...

魯迪-朱利安尼傳喚了一位明星證人... ...

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

...in front of the committee to discuss voter fraud.

...在委員會面前討論選民欺詐問題。

Let's see how that went, and let's meet this...

讓我們看看結果如何，讓我們來見見這個... ...

-If the -- -Guess how many, wait.

-如果... - 猜猜有多少，等等。

What about, what about, what about the turnout rate?

那，那，那投票率呢？

120%?

120%?

-We're not seeing the poll book off by 30,000 votes.

-我們沒有看到投票簿上的3萬張選票。

That's not the case. -What did you guys do,

不是這樣的-你們做了什麼？

take it and do something crazy to it?

把它和做一些瘋狂的事情吧？

I know what I saw, and I signed something

我知道我看到了什麼，我簽了一些東西。

saying that if I'm wrong, I can go to prison.

說，如果我錯了，我可以去坐牢。

Did you?

你有嗎？

[ Laughter ] -Whew!

[笑]哇！

-Yo! -Oh, my --

-喲！-哦，我們...

-Yo!

-喲！

-Once again, that was their star witness.

-再一次，那是他們的明星證人。

Where does Rudy keep finding these people?

魯迪從哪裡找到這些人的？

Linkedin-sane?

Linkedin-sane？

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

It was clear she forgot where she was when she was like,

很顯然，她忘記了自己在哪裡的時候，她是喜歡的。

[Slurring] "Waiter, another tequila sunrise.

[口齒不清]"服務員，又是一個龍舌蘭酒的日出。

Um... [ Laughter ]

嗯... [笑]

Because I'm drinking. Did you have one?

因為我在喝酒你喝了嗎？

Because I'm the one who had a drink.

因為是我喝了酒。

Did you? [ Laughter ]

你有嗎？[笑聲]

Because I'm the one who had one drink."

因為是我喝了一杯。"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

-Yeah. -I mean, Rudy was so nervous,

-是的 我是說，魯迪很緊張。

he started squirting black ink like an octopus.

他開始像八爪魚一樣噴出黑色墨水。

It just -- [ Laughter ]

它只是 - [笑]

It's not a good sign when Rudy Giuliani has to lean over

當魯迪-朱利安尼不得不靠過來時，這不是一個好兆頭。

and go, "You're making a fool of yourself."

然後去說："你在自取其辱。"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

I don't know that woman, but I can guarantee you

我不認識那個女人，但我可以向你保證：

her Uber rating is below two stars.

她的Uber評分低於兩顆星。

You know what I'm saying? Do you agree?

你知道我在說什麼嗎？你同意嗎？

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Rudy also talked at the event

魯迪也在活動中談到

and a lot of people are saying that they heard something

和很多人都說，他們聽到的東西，

while he was speaking.

在他說話的時候。

Now, I swear -- [ Laughter ]

現在，我發誓 - [笑]

We did not do anything to this clip, okay?

我們沒有對這個片段做任何事情，好嗎？

[ Laughter ] Just watch the clip

[笑]只是看剪輯

and listen closely, see if you hear anything.

仔細聽，看你是否聽到什麼。

-I will ask that he be disciplined for that.

-我將要求他為此受到懲戒。

[ Fart ] First of all, the answer

首先，答案是：

I gave you is they didn't bother to interview

我給你說的是他們不屑於採訪

a single witness. [ Fart ]

一個證人。[放屁]

Just like you.

就像你一樣

-Yo.

-喲

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

-Can we go one week without something

-我們能不能一個星期不做什麼

leaking out of Rudy Giuliani?

從魯迪-朱利安尼那裡洩露出來的？

[ Laughter and applause ]

[笑聲和掌聲]

Yep, we've had liquids and now gas.

是的，我們已經有了液體，現在又有了天然氣。

God help us when a solid comes out of him.

當一個固體從他身上出來時，上帝幫助我們。

I mean... [ Laughter ]

我的意思是...[笑聲]

He's like every gross guy on the subway rolled into one human.

他就像地鐵裡的每一個噁心的傢伙捲成一個人。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

It's actually not what you think.

其實不是你想的那樣。

The chair was just wet from mucus and hair dye.

椅子只是被粘液和染髮劑弄溼了。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

[ Snorts and smacks lips ]

[吸氣和咂嘴]

-Yeah.

-是的

-Some more political news.

-還有一些政治新聞。

I mean, I don't even know why we do more monologue.

我的意思是，我甚至不知道 為什麼我們做更多的獨白。

That's all you really -- -That's it.

這就是你真正的... ...就是這樣。

-That's it right there, yeah.

-就是這樣，是的

Some more political news this week.

本週還有一些政治新聞。

Attorney General William Barr went against Trump and said

司法部長威廉-巴爾與特朗普對著幹，他說

there was no widespread voter fraud,

沒有廣泛的選民欺詐。

and now Trump is not so happy with him.

而現在特朗普對他不太滿意。

Watch this.

看這個。

-Uh...

-呃...

Ask me that in a number of weeks from now.

過幾個星期再問我吧。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

-Which means by Sunday Trump will be like,

-這意味著到了週日，特朗普就會像。

"I think it's time to free 'Willy.'"

"我覺得是時候釋放'威利'了。"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Barr is so fired,

巴爾被解僱了。

the only thing left for Trump to decide

唯一留給特朗普決定的事情

is from which toilet to tweet it from.

是從哪個廁所發的微博。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

It's going to be awkward when Trump says, "You're fired,"

當特朗普說 "你被解僱了 "的時候，會很尷尬的。

and Barr is like, "Dude, so are you!"

和巴爾是這樣的，"哥們，你也是！"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Well, this is interesting. I saw that

嗯，這很有趣。我看到了

President-elect Biden's leading candidate

當選總統拜登的主要候選人

for CIA director, David S. Cohen,

為中情局局長大衛-科恩。

once appeared as an extra in an episode of "Game of Thrones."

曾經在 "權力的遊戲 "一集中作為臨時演員出現。

Take a look at this.

看看這個。

Yeah, that's him. -What?

對，就是他-什麼？

-Yeah, he might be in charge of the CIA.

-是的，他可能是中情局的負責人。

Well, it turns out he's not the only government official

事實證明，他不是唯一的政府官員

who's appeared in a big fantasy production

誰出演了一部大製作的奇幻片？

without people realizing it.

在人們不知不覺中。

For example, Stephen Miller played Voldemort.

比如，斯蒂芬-米勒扮演的伏地魔。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

And might not know this, but Jeff Sessions

可能不知道，但傑夫-塞申斯...

played the goblin banker in "Harry Potter."

在 "哈利波特 "中扮演妖精銀行家。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

And finally, Melania Trump was the stunt double

最後，梅拉尼婭-特朗普是特技替身。

for David bowie in "Labyrinth."

大衛-鮑伊的 "迷宮"。

I did not realize. These are things I did not know.

我沒有意識到。這些都是我不知道的事情。

[ Applause ]

[掌聲]

Oh listen to this, Haagen-Dazs just announced

哦，聽著，哈根達斯剛剛宣佈了

that America's favorite ice cream flavor of 2020 is...

美國人最喜歡的2020年冰淇淋口味是... ...

[ Drum roll ]

[鼓聲]

Vanilla.

香草。

[ Fog horn ]

[霧號]

[ Applause ]

[掌聲]

Yep, the flavor of the year is vanilla,

沒錯，今年的味道是香草味。

and also Merriam-Webster's Word of the Year is "the."

也是梅里亞姆-韋伯斯特的年度詞彙是 "的"。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Finally, here in New York they had to close

最後，在紐約這裡，他們不得不關閉

the Verrazzano Bridge this week due to high winds.

本週由於大風，維拉扎諾大橋。

This video is pretty crazy. Check this out.

這個視頻很瘋狂。看看這個。

[ Creaking ]

[吱吱作響]

-Wow. Yeah.

-哇。哇。 - 是啊。

The woman from Michigan was like,

那個來自密歇根的女人就像。

[Slurring] "Is that what bridges do?

[口齒不清]"這就是橋樑的作用嗎？

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Is that what bridges always do?

橋樑總是這樣的嗎？

Is that what bridges do?

這就是橋樑的作用嗎？

They go up and down? Is that what they do?

他們上上下下？他們是這樣做的嗎？

Because that one's doing it."

因為那個人在做。"

Driving over it, your GPS is like,

開車過去，你的GPS就像。

"I hope you have your affairs in order."

"我希望你把你的事情處理好。"

Oh, my goodness. Can you believe it's already happening?

哦，我的天啊你能相信它已經發生了嗎？

This is very exciting. Guys, we have exactly

這是非常令人興奮的。夥計們，我們正好有

12 shows left before we go on Christmas break.

在聖誕假期前還剩12場。

[ Applause ] Yeah, already.

[掌聲] 是啊，已經。

Which mean it's time for that beloved

這意味著是時候為心愛的...

"Tonight Show" tradition.

"今夜秀 "傳統。

It's time for "12 Days of Christmas Sweaters."

現在是 "12天聖誕毛衣 "的時間。

♪♪ [ Applause ]

[掌聲]

-♪ 12 days of Christmas sweaters ♪

-12天的聖誕毛衣

♪ 12 days left ♪

12天離開

-That's right, every show between now and Christmas,

-沒錯，從現在到聖誕節期間的每場演出都要看

we'll be giving one lucky audience member

我們將給一位幸運的觀眾

an out-of-this-world Christmas sweater

驚世駭俗的聖誕衫

from the Countdown to Christmas Cabinet.

從聖誕倒計時內閣。

There are only like five people in our audience,

我們的觀眾只有五個人。

so this is really... [ Cheers and applause ]

所以這是真的...[歡呼聲和掌聲]

A very loud five people. This is great.

一個非常響亮的五個人。這是偉大的。

The odds are great that you'll be going home

你回家的機會很大

with something special.

有一些特別的東西。

Now, since there are 12 shows left, let's open door number 12.

現在，既然還有12個節目，那就打開12號門吧。

[ Drum roll ]

[鼓聲]

Ooh. Oh, yes.

哦，是的。哦，是的。

Oh, it's so beautiful --

哦，它是如此美麗 -

Look at this. Yeah, let's see it.

看看這個。是啊，讓我們來看看。

Oh!

哦！

Oh, wow. That's a lot of --

哦，哇。 這是一個很大的...這是一個很大的 -

a lot of balls around there.

很多球在那裡。

That's unbelievable. That is a fancy, fancy --

這真是難以置信。這是一個花哨的，花哨的 -

Ooh, the back! Look at the back.

哦，後面！看後面

[ Applause ] This is a one of a kind.

[掌聲] 這是一種。

This is a one of a kind.

這是一個獨一無二的。

Now let's see who's going home with tonight's sweater.

現在讓我們來看看誰會帶著今晚的毛衣回家。

Everyone look at your seat number,

大家看一下自己的座位號。

and if I call your number, come on down.

如果我打你的電話，下來吧。

Who wants this sweater, huh? Come on.

誰想要這件毛衣，嗯？來吧。

Quest, can I get a drum roll, please?

探索，我可以得到一個鼓聲，好嗎？

[ Drum roll ] [ Applause ]

[鼓聲] [掌聲]

Ah, da-da-da-da!

啊，噠噠噠！

305!

305!

[ Cheers and applause ] Come on down.

[歡呼聲和掌聲] 下來吧。

Oh, welcome. Thank you so much.

哦，歡迎。謝謝你這麼多。

Please, right over there.

請到那邊去

Oh, my goodness. Hi, how are you?

哦，我的天啊。嗨，你怎麼樣？

What is your name? -Jennifer.

你叫什麼名字？-詹妮弗

-Jennifer, where are you from? -Brooklyn.

-詹妮弗，你是哪裡人？-布魯克林

-Brooklyn! Come on! [ Cheers and applause ]

-布魯克林！布魯克林！[歡呼聲和掌聲]

Jennifer, it's a little chilly out there right now.

珍妮弗，現在外面有點冷。

Do you have anything like this? -No, nothing like this.

你有這樣的東西嗎？-沒有，沒有這樣的。

-No. Would you like to try it on?

-不，你想試試嗎？

-Yes, yes. -Please try it. Go for it.

-是的，是的-請試一試試試吧

-Got some music? -I can't help you.

-有音樂嗎？-我幫不了你

Yeah, go for it. Yep. Yeah, here you go.

是啊，去吧。是的，去吧。是啊，在這裡你去。

You can -- [ Applause ]

你可以 - [掌聲]

This is gonna be -- Trust me, it's gonna go --

這會是... 相信我，它會去... ...

Oh, I can already tell, this is going to be a winner.

哦，我已經看出，這將是一個贏家。

Winner. Look at this.

贏家。看看這個。

Oh, I am loving this. [ Cheers and applause ]

哦，我很喜歡這個。[歡呼聲和掌聲]

Are you kidding me?

你在開玩笑嗎？

You are a supermodel. Look at this.

你是一個超級名模。你看這個

Are you kidding me?

你在開玩笑嗎？

You are -- thank you so much for playing

你是... ... 謝謝你這麼多的發揮

and coming to our audience tonight.

並在今晚來到我們的聽眾面前。

I'm so thankful you're here.

我很感謝你在這裡。

And congratulations once again to our winner.

並再次祝賀我們的冠軍。

[ Cheers and applause ] -Thank you.

[歡呼聲和掌聲] 謝謝你。

-Stick around. We'll be right back

-請稍等我們馬上回來

with more "Tonight Show," everybody.

與更多的 "今夜秀"，大家。

Come on.

來吧。

♪♪

♪♪